Dec. 29, 2023

A happy alternative to New Year's Resolutions.

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In this episode, Cass discusses the drawbacks of traditional New Year's resolutions and offers alternative approaches to setting goals for the new year.Takeaways:

Traditional New Year's resolutions often lead to feelings of failure and self-criticism.
Instead of resolutions, focus on setting meaningful goals that align with your values.
Consider setting intentions for how you want to show up in the new year.
Choose a word for the year that represents your desired qualities or themes.

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Transcript

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This is Crappita Happy and I am your host, Cas Doune.

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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher

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and of course author of the Crappita Happy books. In

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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent

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people who are experts in their field and who have

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something of value to share that will help you feel

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less crappy and more happy. Welcome to another solo episode

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of the Crappita Happy Podcast, and it is our last

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episode for twenty twenty three. I hope you have had

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a lovely relaxing time. This episode's coming to you a

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little late because I have been having a lovely relaxing

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time during this Christmas New Year kind of void period

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where there is noah to be and nothing to do,

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and it seems like the whole world is on holidays.

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And if you have not been on holidays, and if

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you have been working, I want to thank you for

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keeping the world ticking, keeping things happening. We rely on

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you and we appreciate you so much. But I'm not

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one of those people. So I've been on my couch

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watching a lot of Netflix. But it's that time where

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we're starting to kind of emerge from our hibernation, and

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if you're anything like me, it's about now that you

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start thinking about plans for next year. This is where

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those dreaded New Year's resolutions start kicking around in the

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back of your mind. You start thinking about all of

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the positive changes you want to make for the new year.

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And I promised you that I would be back to

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talk to you about this and to give you some

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suggestions for better, healthier, more positive ways that you might

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be able to set yourself up going into the new

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year that do not involve these hardcore, pass or failed

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type resolutions that we often set, which ultimately we never keep.

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We know this, and therefore they kind of end up

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making us feel like a failure. So let's talk about why.

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For a start, I'm not a fan of resolutions. I'll

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see if this resonates with you, and you know, rather

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than just take that away from you and leave you

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with nothing, I will share with you some ideas that

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I think that are, like I said, better options. So

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the thing about news resolutions is that they tend to

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be not always but if you think about it, they

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tend to be these kind of very black or white

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pass or fail type decisions that you make. I'm going

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to quit smoking, I'm going to go to the gym

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three times a week, or I'm going to not drink

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alcohol on the week days or at all, I'm going

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to take a dry January or something. Maybe it's I'm

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going to cut out sugar, or I'm going to not

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eat take away food anymore. I'm going to lose weight,

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get fit, spend more time with my family, get off screens.

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It's just this, Well, for a start, there are often

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lots of them. There's this long list of things that

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we think that we need to do and achieve. But

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the way that we phrase them, in the way that

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we frame them, they're this, I'm going to do this

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or I'm going to not do that, which means by definition,

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you can only either achieve that or not. And they

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are less about goals. I'm not saying that they're not

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about goals. You probably do have a goal, but the

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way we phrase them and frame them in our own

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mind is that they're more like actions. But start doing this,

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I'm going to stop doing that. And therefore, when your

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humanness comes into play and you have a slip up

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or you don't do what you said you were going

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to do, or you do do something that you said

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you were going to give up doing. Then we fall

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into that all or nothing kind of thinking, which is

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very very natural, not helpful, but it's kind of a natural.

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This perfectionist kind of or nothing mindset comes in and

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we've let ourselves down, and we go into a whole

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lot of negative self talk and feelings of failure and

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what's the point. And I can never achieve anything, and

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I never do what I said I was going to do,

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and I said I was going to do this last

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year and I didn't and now I'm failing again. It

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just is not good for you. It's not good for

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you mentally. You're obviously not making any positive progress on

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any of your goals when this is the way we

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set ourselves up, and this is the way we treat

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ourselves when we inevitably fail in achieving that. I guess

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the other issue that I have with resolutions is that

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they do tend to be very focused on all of

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the things that we think are wrong with us. We

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are our own worst critics. We all feel like we

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need to be doing better in some aspect of our lives.

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We're all down on ourselves because we're eating too much,

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drinking too much, we're putting on too much weight, we're

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spending too much money, we're spending too much time on screens,

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YadA YadA, yadah, blah blah, we're not organized enough, where

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houses are mess You know, it's just this laundry list

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of perceived flaws and failings that we're very focused on

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when we set new Year's resolutions. It's not very inspiring

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when you think about it. It's just a list of

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the things we think are wrong with us, and that,

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more to the point, we think we need to fix

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in order to actually accept ourselves or approve of ourselves.

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And if you have been around me for long enough,

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if you've listened to this podcast or don't listen, to

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follow me on social media, or been involved in any

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work that I have done over the past several years,

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you'll know that the science is very clear that this

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is not the way to forward progress. This is not

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a path to positive improvement, self improvement. Self criticism will

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only lead to a lack of progress towards goal achievement.

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What we want to be focusing on instead is self acceptance,

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self kindness, self compassion self awareness for sure, but you know,

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we need to be bringing in a lot lot more

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of this self kindness and a lot more acceptance and

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recognition of our innate humanness and the fact that we

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are all flawed human beings. There is no such thing

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as perfection, and just let ourselves off the hook a

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little bit. One of my favorite Boodher sayings is, beware

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the subtle aggression of self improvement. The aggression of self improvement,

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the attack on yourself every time you focus on achieving

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a goal that you think is going to lead to

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you accepting yourself and finally approving of yourself. So I

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want you to really have that in mind when you're

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thinking about these goals or these changes that you are

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considering making in the new year. How much of this

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is based on I feel like there is something wrong

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with me, and I need to fix or change or

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better or improve myself in order to be a worthy

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person and worthy of my own approval. And you probably

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think that that's going to make you more worthy of

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other people's approval as well, And I'm here to tell

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you that it is appbsolutely not the case. So let's

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start from a place of self kindness, self acceptance. I

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am all for you being the best version of yourself.

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I want you to be evolving towards your highest potential,

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being the most inspired, actualized, purpose driven, fulfilled content version

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of yourself that you can be. But I'm here to

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tell you that that typically does not start with piling

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on a load of self criticism and self judgment. So

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let's just start with that, and I guess you know,

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you know, if we go back to that point, there's

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just a lot of them. We've got a lot of

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things we wanted, we think that we need to do differently,

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and it's really hard to make sweeping, broad, multiple changes

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in our life all at once. The path to progress

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is typically much more incremental, it's much more microwth than that.

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It's tiny changes formulating new habits that build on each

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other over time. Whereas we often will approach this new year,

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new slate, clean slate, fresh start, and we just pile

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on all of the things that we want to change

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all at once, and that's really difficult. You know, that's

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just not typically how change works. So coming back to

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something that's a little bit more manageable and getting down

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to the micro and just starting with like little habits

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that you might begin to change slowly progressively, knowing that

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you will slip up along the way, But that doesn't

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mean that you can't pick up and keep moving forward.

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It's not this, you know, we're just losing this kind

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of all or nothing thinking when it comes to goal progress.

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So that's kind of the inner nutshell summary of why

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I I am not a fan of New Year's resolutions

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in the way that we would typically make them. So

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what do I think is a better way? Well, first

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of all, instead of thinking about these actions, these I'm

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going to do this or not do this if those

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kinds of pass or fail actions that we set for ourselves,

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let's think about goals. Goals are fine, Goals are great.

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I would love for you to be working towards meaningful goals.

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It's shown to boost your satisfaction, fulfillment with life, your

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sense of mastery. You know, having goals that are aligned

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with your values is great. I would really encourage you

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to be thinking about goals. But the thing about goals

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is that they're an outcome. A goal is something that

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you achieve at some point in the future. And whether

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you go to the gym three times this week or not.

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Whether you drink or don't drink, or have too much

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sugar or not, or eat too much dessert today or

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not makes no difference to your ability to achieve that goal.

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At some point in the future, you can go off

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track on the way towards achieving goals. So starting to

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think about maybe it is in twelve months time, what

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would I like to have achieved. So if you're thinking

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that one of your resolutions is I need to save money,

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I'm going to stop buying takeaway I'm stop buying takeaway coffee.

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I'm going to save this much money every single week.

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If this is the way you're thinking, then instead maybe

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just reframe that into a goal this time in twelve months,

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what would I like to have saved? Where would I

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like to be in terms of debt reduction. If you're

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thinking I'm going to cut out sugar and junk food,

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I'm going to go to the gym, I'm going to

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exercise five days a week, and you've got this sort

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of list going on again, just turn that around and

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ask yourself for what purpose to what end? If I've

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got a list of things that I think I need

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to do, a list of actions, just make the distinction

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between an action and an outcome. So if I'm telling

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myself that I'm going to give up drinking, I'm not

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going to drink on the week days, I'm going to

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give up smoking. Whatever it is that this bad habit

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that I'm going to change to what end, for what

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ultimate purpose? But because at the end of the year,

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this is where I would like to be, this is

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where I see myself, and therefore I'm going to start

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to make these incremental changes with a view to achieve that.

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So you see the difference. It's subtle, but it's very

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very important difference because there is a big difference between

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a goal, a strategy, and an action. And often when

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people say they've set themselves a goal, no they haven't.

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What they've set is a list of actions. Now we

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could get you know, I've talked about this before, you

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could get pedantic about it, and people took about the

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difference between a process goal and an outcome kind of

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a goal, and that is the difference basically between an

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action and an outcome. I would just like you just

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start thinking about it in those terms. Is this an

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action that I'm saying that I'm going to do, or

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can I and if it is, or can I reframe

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that into an outcome? I'm going to do this thing? Why?

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Because for what purpose? To what end? What ultimate outcome

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am I aiming to achieve? Frame it in those terms.

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Set yourself a goal, put a time frame on it,

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and then whether you do that action or not, whether

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you sleep up, have a step back, you know, pick

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yourself up, have to start again one hundred thousand times,

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it doesn't matter because you can continue moving in direction

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of the goal. So there is that first and foremost,

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stop talking or thinking in terms of actions. The second

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thing I like to talk about is as an alternative,

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is this idea of intention rather than setting a goal

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even or something that's very specific and concrete. What about

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thinking about intentions? Intentions is like, how do I want

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to show up? What attitude do I want to bring?

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Let's let me give you an example to try to

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explain this. Let's so that my intention for twenty twenty

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four might be to simplify things. Maybe I feel like

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I'm over complicating things. I'm doing too many different things.

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I'm running around like a mad thing. I'm torn between

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a whole lot of different projects, whatever it might be,

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and I want to simplify. So out of that can

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come like a lot of different kind of choices and

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actions and decisions that I might make in terms of

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how I live my life. It might then flow on

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to how I prepare my week. Whether I just choose

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to stick with three or four mens and I'm going

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to cook every single week on rotation instead of trying

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to overcomplicate things and recipe planning and meal planning and

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grocery shopping and all different ingredients, maybe I'm just going

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to simplify that, say, Okay, these are the four or

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five dinners that I know that the whole family eats,

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and that's what we're going to eat this week. And

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then everybody knows what to expect. I know what to

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shop for every week. Every now and again, we can

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go out and we can get a takeaway, or can

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we do something throw something different into the mix. But

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I've simplified. Maybe my intention is going to be to

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cultivate deeper friendships, maybe if that's something that's lacking. I

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know certainly for me, I'm in a whole new city,

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new country, you know, I want to cultivate some more

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meaningful connections with people. So out of that intention, then

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each week or each month, that will inform the decisions

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that I make about how I choose to spend my time,

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about whether what I say yes to, about what I

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choose to do on the weekends. You know, like it's

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just start from the intention and then from there let

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that guard your decisions and your actions. Have the actions

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come from something that you've already decided is important to you.

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It's like a theme that kind of guides all of

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the decisions that you make throughout the year, and then

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that will flourish into a whole lot of different actions

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and outcomes which you never necessarily set in the first place,

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you know, so you let them kind of come out

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organically from this place of intention. My intention might be

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to be more present with people, So therefore I get

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off my phone. I make a decision to FaceTime people

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instead of just texting. I might decide to turn off

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the TV until eight o'clock at night instead of just

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having it on from six or whatever it is. So

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you see, we start with an intention. We decide how

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we want to show up. An intention comes from a

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place of your values. Normally, it's deciding what is important

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to you and how you want to be as opposed

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to what you want to do again, getting away from

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those actions, you're thinking about how you want to be

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and then letting that guide you. So have some fun

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with that. Have to think about your intentions maybe instead

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of even getting fixated on goals, especially if you're the

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sort of person who you know for whom goals can

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be are very they come from that place of self

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judgment and self criticism and needing to be better. I

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would really encourage you to get away from that kind

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of thinking instead, start thinking about values and how you

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want to be, the personal qualities you want to cultivate,

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the things that really matter to you, and then let

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the decisions and the actions and the outcomes flow kind

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of from that place. Let that be a little guiding light.

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And then another fun thing that often you know I've

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talked about a lot in the past, and what many

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people do is they choose a word for the year.

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And I think this word for the year is a

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really great idea. I've had varying degrees of success in

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remembering my word and actually holding myself to that word

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for the year. I think if you're going to do it,

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you need to like really put it somewhere visible. And

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find ways to be constantly reminded of what your word is.

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But the word for the year really is a spin

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off kind of of the intention idea. You know, it

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is thinking about if you have got things that you

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think you want, if you've got one of those sort

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of laundry lists like actions, I'm going to be more

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organized and be more of this and be less that

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and do more of this. Then think instead of a

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word that kind of encompasses what that's all about, what

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the core value is there, But the foundation is that

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is leading you to want to make those changes or decisions.

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So let's just say I'm really committed to living more sustainably,

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you know, be less wasteful, really thinking about the impact

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that I have on the environment in the terms of

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the choices that I make and how I shop and

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what I do and how I live. And so maybe

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I choose the word sustainability or sustainable or something like that.

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I'm just thinking off the top of my head here.

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But then maybe that word sustain or sustainable, maybe that

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then flows on into other areas of your life. And

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maybe when you're thinking about the exercise plan, you know,

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I really want to get fit this year, then you're

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allowing this word sustainable to also guide that, well, how

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do I do something? How do I implement something that's

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going to be sustainable for me? So instead of setting

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myself these big goals that I'm inevitably not going to achieve,

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how can I make it sustainable? There's maybe lots of

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other areas that you could think about how I bring

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this this theme of sustainability, keeping things sustainable might flow

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over into lots of other areas. One year, I you

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had the word unsubscribe. I don't know remember exactly why

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I thought of that word. Maybe it was just that

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my inbox was overflowing, but it was actually more about

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the fact that I wanted to just unsubscribe from pages

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on social media, from people that I followed, and even

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from ideologies and beliefs. I've gone through periods of my

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life where I've been vegan and very committed to that.

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I've given gone through periods where I've given up drinking

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for you know, a couple of years, and there's been

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lots of vegetarian I've gone through periods where I've been

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quite committed to a particular ideology. I guess, and that's fine.

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I'm no you know that's totally fine. But my word

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for the U was unsubscribed because I was just ready

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to just let go of, you know, subscribing to these

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you know, these ways of living and these ways of

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thinking and these rules. I guess it was starting to

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feel like I was boxed in and being forced to

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live by a set of prescribed rules. So unsubscribe. And

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it just applied to just so many different areas of

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my life. And I also did unsubscribe from a lot

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of junk mail, but it was more than that. And

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so that's what I mean. So I really often when

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we talk about this, you know, choose a word for

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the year, people get oh word, like within five minutes,

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here's my word. And I really encourage you to spend

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a little bit more time thinking about it than that

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it's going to stick and you're going it's going to

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be more meaningful if you've really given some thought to

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that deeper question of intentions and values as opposed to

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it coming from because often instinctively it will come from

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that same sort of place of that resolutionary type place

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like you know, that's I'm going to be more organized,

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and so my word's going to be organized or focused

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or disciplined or something like that. You know, and I

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just stop that. Stop stop stop, stop stop that. Let

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go of that. Get deeper than that, go deeper than that,

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get to the core of values, intentions, how you want

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to be, attitudes or court, personal qualities or characteristics you

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want to cultivate within yourself, how you want to show

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up for people, for your work, for your family, in

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your life, what really matters to you, and kind of

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think about the intention behind that and allow the word

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to kind of come from that place. I hope that

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is helpful when you think about the word for the year.

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But you know what, at the end of the day,

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if you're really you're a hardcore goals person and you

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just want to set yourself a challenge and you're the

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sort of person who's really motivated by that and you're

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going to rise to the challenge, then you go for it.

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I mean, you do you whatever works for you. But

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having said that, I would say, do make the distinction

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between a goal and an action. Go to the gym

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three times a week is not a goal. That is

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a decision to do an action. So what is the

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goal to what end? For what purpose? What is the

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outcome that you are ultimately working towards. If you want

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to go to the gym three times a week, save

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two hundred dollars a week, that's an action to what end.

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What's the ultimate goal? Ultimately? How much money do you

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want to save for what purpose? Maybe it's for something bigger.

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Maybe it's for a holiday, or a house deposit, or

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a new car, or a kitchen renovation. I don't know

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what it is, but think about the bigger pitch of

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the outcome you're working towards, so that if there's a

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week when you can't save the two hundred dollars a week,

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then you haven't failed. It just means that you make

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some changes and adjustments in order to pick up and

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