April 1, 2024

A Thousand Wasted Sundays with Victoria Vanstone

A Thousand Wasted Sundays with Victoria Vanstone
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A Thousand Wasted Sundays with Victoria Vanstone
A Thousand Wasted Sundays with Victoria Vanstone
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Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon Castro podcast player icon PocketCasts podcast player icon Podchaser podcast player icon
Season 11 Women's Health And Wellbeing Goals & Habits Personal Growth & Healing Physical Health

Cass chats with Victoria Vanstone, host of the Sober Awkward Podcast and creator of the Drunk Mummy Sober Mummy blog and website, about her decision to leave behind her partying days in order to be a happier, less anxious, more present parent by giving up alcohol. Vic admits she didn't like sober people and that she feared no-one would want to be around her anymore if she stopped being the life of every party.Vic has recently published her first book, "A Thousand Wasted Sundays" and shares how she felt she never had a choice but to drink alcohol, but after becoming a parent, she realised her social, binge drinking was taking more from her than it was giving.
Vic's message is that you don't have to hit 'rock bottom' to question your relationship with alcohol. Better still, there are plenty of good times still to be had. She realises her habit was fueled by people pleasing and a lack of self-care, and she hopes her message will enable other women to see that they also have a choice when it comes to drinking.
Connect with Victoria:Buy A Thousand Wasted SundaysDrunk Mummy, Sober Mummy
Connect with Cass:www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com 
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypodwww.tiktok.com/crappytohappypod
Join the free 7-day Happiness Challenge:www.cassdunn.com/happiness

Connect with Cass:

www.cassdunn.com
www.instagram.com/cassdunn_xo

Contact Crappy to Happy:

Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
www.crappytohappypod.com
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod
www.tiktok.com/@crappytohappypod


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Transcript
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This is Crappita Happy and I am your host, Castune.

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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher

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and of course author of the Crappita Happy books. In

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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent

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people who are experts in their field and who have

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something of value to share that will help you feel

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less crappy and more happy. Victoria van Stone is the

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host of the Sober Awkward podcast, which, while it is

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a comedy, actually won the Best Wellbeing Podcast at the

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twenty twenty three Australian Podcast Awards. She's also the author

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of the Drunk Mummy Sober Mummy blog, which has a

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huge following you might be familiar with it, and most

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recently she has written her memoir A Found and Wasted Sundays,

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which is a cracking read. I might add Victoria grew

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up in nineteen eighties England, very boozy culture. She parted

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hard in her twenties and only after moving to Australia

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and becoming a parent did she begin to question her

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drinking ways. She took herself off to therapy and she

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discovered the value of self care. She let go of

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people pleasing and has created a life.

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That is far more fulfilling.

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She's great fun to talk to, has loads of great

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stories to tell. Just a heads up that this episode

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does contain some adult language, so if you've got little

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ones around, you might want to use your earphones. Victoria Vanston,

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Welcome to the Crappy to Happy Podcast.

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Hi, thanks so much for having me.

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And congratulations on the success of your podcast, The Sober

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Awkward Podcast, winning awards all over the place, and of

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course your brand new book, A Thousand Wasted Sundays.

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Yeah. So, I can't believe it's out there. It's kind

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of weird that all my awful drinking stories are out

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there the world to see. It's like hanging my dirty

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underwear out on the washing line, quite honestly. But yeah, no,

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it's really exciting. The podcast just one best wellbeing podcast

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in Australia. So we are so please.

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Yeah that it is amazing. That's a great achievement. And

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so it is, all of your drinking stories in a book, Vic,

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I'm curious to know what was it like to write

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all of those stories. Had these were these stories you'd

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already documented through you know, journaling or through running your blog,

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et cetera. Or did you kind of have to trawl

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through the memory banks to come up with these stories.

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It was a bit of both. Actually, I do have diaries.

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I have probably twenty years of diaries from the ages

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of eight to about thirty, so they came in really

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useful for the timelines. But when I sat down to

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read it, there was a lot of thinking going on.

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I had to really put myself back in those situations,

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which of course was difficult because I was in a

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blackout a lot of the time. So I had to

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sit down in each chapter and really close my eyes

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and imagine myself as a child and what I was

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like as a teen and in my twenties and growing up.

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It was actually a really fascinating process. I didn't know

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that as a human if we sat and really really

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thought about something, memories would come back up. So it's

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actually really interesting to flip back into my life and

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see where I'd gone wrong and assess those situations. And

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I think the writing became part of a therapy for me,

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like a writing therapy, whereas I could see my problems

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black and white on the pages, and it was very

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very clear where I'd been going wrong. All my life.

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That's interesting.

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I was going to ask you, did you find that therapeutic?

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I imagine it would be, you know, could be potentially quite

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an emotional process to go back through the whole trajectory,

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like from beginning all the way through to where you

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are now.

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Well, actually the books are comedy. But when I did

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do that, and especially when I went to therapy and

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talked about all of those situations, I I realized the

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story wasn't as funny as I thought it was, and

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I realized my behavior wasn't as cool and party girlish

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as I thought it was. It was actually quite sad,

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and it represented someone who didn't care about herself and

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that abandoned her body most weekends. We talk about socially

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normalized binge drinking in the book, but some of my

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behaviors represented someone who was really quite lost and was

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It was sad to look back on and realize, after

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I've turned forty, that I've actually wasted a lot of

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years just abandoning myself and being unkind to myself. So

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it actually turned out to be a little bit sad.

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They are, I mean, they are funny stories.

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You write very very well, but the purpose is not

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obviously to entertain people with the book, is it.

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It's like to help people.

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To see themselves in your story, so that they can potentially,

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you know, based on your experience, see where maybe they're

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doing the same thing, where they're going wrong.

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With everything that I do. I talk about stuff with

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brutal honesty because I feel like maybe if I share

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my shame, people won't feel so bad about theirs. And

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I hope that when people read the book, they will

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recognize themselves. I mean, everybody's got these stories. I mean

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I don't know many people. Mine might be a little

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bit more extreme here and there. I am one finger

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down from a firework incident in Thailand on the Millennium Night.

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I was a big booze bag. Like so, I think

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my stories are quite extreme, but I hope that it

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makes people think about their drinking habit. My idea isn't

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to stop people drinking or say drinking is bad. I'm

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just going to say how is it impacting your life?

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That's really That's really what the book is for, is

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for anyone who is reconsidering their relationship with booze and going, well,

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is this working for me anymore? And if this lady's

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done it well, maybe I can too, so it's not preachy.

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I try to keep it funny. I tried to keep

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it upbeat with a lot of poignant stories. I think

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the funny story is outweigh the sad stories in there,

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so it will keep you entertained on each page. But

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at the same time it is there to share a message,

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which is you are deserving of healing.

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I think VI, you grew up in the UK. I

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grew up in Australia. We've done a little swapsy, but both.

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Countries have, you know, pretty big drinking culture.

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I'm curious to know what were your early experiences with alcohol.

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How did it kind of start and progress?

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I think it was very run of the mill, you know.

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I was a young kid. I grew up in a

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family who enjoyed to party. They were the life and

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soul my mum and dad. It was never any sort

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of sad drinking or commiserating. It was always joyful and frivolous.

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And I saw how they could control the room and

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how they could make others happy that I wanted a

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piece of that very very early on in my life.

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And I had older brothers and sisters and I just thought,

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I just want to join in this kind of cheerful

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pandemonium I described in the book. It was always a

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very happy environment to be in. I saw their drinking

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as a way to be liked and a way to

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fit into their community. So I didn't really feel like

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perhaps I had a choice about alcohol at that very

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young age. It was coming for me at every direction.

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It was like my culture binge drinking. It was the

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British culture, the pub culture. It was generational, it was environmental,

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and I couldn't really avoid it. So of course, as

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soon as I as soon as my parents were pissed, actually,

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I used to go into the garage and go and

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steal a bottle of wine. And I was doing that

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from about twelve onwards. And I could see that I

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had a power when I stole the boots, because I

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could invite mates over to my house and go, look,

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this is me. I'm vic I'm the one that's going

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to give you fun. I'm the one that's going to

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get you drunk, and we're going to have the best night.

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So it was kind of like a tool that I

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used from a very young age to make friends and

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to keep friends, and that continued throughout my life.

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Interesting, isn't it?

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Like I've got a teenage daughter now who drinks, and

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when we get to an age in life and we

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know better that we see them going down the same

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path like and she is in the same kind of

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boat right in her view, Like it's just what everybody does.

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Like, it's not bad.

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I'm not different, it's not wrong, And it's really hard

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to argue with that because we know that. But we

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all grew up like that, and like you said, it

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didn't feel like there was a choice necessarily. It was

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just something that everybody, everybody did, everybody does.

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And it's unfortunate that it comes along at that crucial age.

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Suddenly you're thirteen, fourteen years old, you perhaps start questioning

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yourself a little bit. How do I look? Will boys

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like me? Or you know, will girls like me? Or

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where do I fit in to this sort of social world?

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And I've got to make choices about what to do

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at school and who I want to be when I'm older.

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It's all coming at you and every direction, and it

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can be really be hard at that age to numb

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out from all that. Your parents have certain expectations. You're

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trying to please everyone and trying to do the right thing,

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and I think that was an out for me. Suddenly

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I had a bottle of wine with a mate and

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I was rolling around on some reaccorational park ground like

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having a laugh, and none of that suddenly mattered. I

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didn't care. So I think for me, it was kind

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of an out of all the responsibilities and an out

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of expectations and what people wanted of me and what

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I wanted for myself. I didn't know. I was just

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a young kid, and especially with boys. I was probably

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a bit nervous around boys. I wasn't really into snogging,

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and you know, all those horrible things you do as

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a teenager that you don't do now basically, and all

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the things you avoid now. I wasn't into, which is

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probably because I didn't like them, and I wasn't brave

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enough to say do you know what I mean? So, yeah,

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it came along at the perfect time for me. And

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I think that's we say coming of age. Unfortunately we

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say it like it. It has to happen. This is

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part of growing up, and it's unfortunate that we live

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in a culture where you have to numb out and

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black out and write yourself off in order to fit

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in and in order to come of age. It's a

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bit sad I realize now, of.

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Course, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then of course that means

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that we never at that crucial time in life and

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even finishing school and going off to university or starting jobs,

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when there's all these situations where we feel kind of

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nervous and uncomfortable and we're not really giving ourselves the

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opportunity to learn to manage that in any healthy way.

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We're just going out to the pub for Friday drinks,

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and you know, just it takes on this role, doesn't it,

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of being the solution to all of life's problems.

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It's so funny you say that. It's a really brilliant

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point because actually we end up not knowing how to

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be confident in a situation now having drinks. Yeah, it's

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really true, and I think booze nowadays. We interviewed Lee

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Mac recently and he made a really fantastic point on

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the podcast, which was alcohol gets all the credit for

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a night out. So we you know, as mates, we

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used to go out and we used to have a

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good time and in the morning we'd all be hungover

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and be like wasn't that a laugh? And imagined that

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that was because we were all drinking. But actually, you know,

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maybe I don't vomit on myself now or stumble out

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of nightclubs, but I can enjoy things sober as much

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as I did, well, probably more because I can remember them,

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but as a drinker. So it's really interesting we give

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credit to the booze, wh as in fact, maybe social

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00:11:28.120 --> 00:11:32.240
experiences are about remembering who you've chatted to, good tunes,

222
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a nice environment, being with the people that you love,

223
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a nice evening, a warm summer's afternoon, all of these

224
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things that are really simple and natural are actually what

225
00:11:42.639 --> 00:11:45.559
makes me happy now, And it's completely different to what

226
00:11:45.679 --> 00:11:49.360
made me happy when I, you know, throughout my teens,

227
00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:52.759
twenties and thirties. Actually it took me a really long

228
00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:57.600
time to realize what I was doing was taking the

229
00:11:57.639 --> 00:12:01.200
reality out of my life just by going, yeah, let's

230
00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:04.120
just have a few beers. That will solve everything. I

231
00:12:04.120 --> 00:12:05.960
can make loads of friends and be the life and

232
00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:09.000
soul of the party, and that's all I knew. So

233
00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:13.039
of course that became my entire identity. I didn't know

234
00:12:13.080 --> 00:12:15.639
who I was without it, which is exactly what you're

235
00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:19.120
saying there, I never got the opportunity to know who

236
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I am, and that's something that changes when you get sober.

237
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Yeah, you were.

238
00:12:24.320 --> 00:12:26.840
The ultimate kind of party adventure girl. I mean you

239
00:12:27.080 --> 00:12:29.759
tell stories of traveling. Was it ten years? You traveled

240
00:12:29.879 --> 00:12:34.519
pretty much solo to all ends of the earth. That's

241
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:37.240
a really cool thing to do. How much of a

242
00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:39.480
role did alcohol play during that time.

243
00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:43.039
I never even thought of it as like being sort

244
00:12:43.039 --> 00:12:45.120
of toxic what I did. Oh, I saw I'm just

245
00:12:45.279 --> 00:12:47.720
free and I can travel, and I'm a free spirit,

246
00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:50.440
and I'm independent and I do whatever I want. But

247
00:12:50.600 --> 00:12:54.080
looking back now, I realized that all of the environments

248
00:12:54.120 --> 00:12:58.279
that I plunked myself into were very, very boozy, and

249
00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:02.240
whether it subconsciously, I was surrounding myself with people that

250
00:13:02.320 --> 00:13:04.080
drank to the same level as I did. I mean,

251
00:13:04.200 --> 00:13:06.240
we naturally do that because I was a laugh like

252
00:13:06.519 --> 00:13:08.679
you would have wanted me at a party, So of

253
00:13:08.759 --> 00:13:11.879
course I just surrounded myself with people who drank lots,

254
00:13:12.120 --> 00:13:15.039
and I surrounded myself environments where there was booze everywhere.

255
00:13:15.159 --> 00:13:17.799
I mean I own bars in Thailand and Cambodia for

256
00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:22.200
a while. I surrounded myself in the book. I describe

257
00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:24.639
it as the drink's cabinet of my youth because I

258
00:13:24.720 --> 00:13:29.440
was a DCBD binge drinker, which was my parents' drinks cabinet,

259
00:13:29.960 --> 00:13:33.960
and I carried on that behavior like having this drinks

260
00:13:33.960 --> 00:13:36.519
cabinet around me all the time, which is how I

261
00:13:36.559 --> 00:13:39.200
felt comfortable, like in a pub or in a nightclub

262
00:13:39.320 --> 00:13:42.519
or you know, having my own bars. I just was

263
00:13:42.600 --> 00:13:46.679
comfortable when everyone was doing what I was doing, perhaps,

264
00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:50.480
I realize now, because I was diluting my habit into

265
00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:53.559
the crowd, absorbing it into the people that I surrounded

266
00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:54.159
myself with.

267
00:13:54.960 --> 00:13:57.799
For many of us, we start off with, you know,

268
00:13:57.840 --> 00:14:00.840
alcohol is fun, and we go and we catch up

269
00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:02.720
with our mates on the weekends and we binge drink

270
00:14:02.720 --> 00:14:04.840
and we get hangover and da da da da da.

271
00:14:05.240 --> 00:14:08.200
And then over time, as we get older and we

272
00:14:08.240 --> 00:14:11.240
get into professional jobs and marriages and have kids and

273
00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:15.840
get a mortgage, it then becomes for many people not

274
00:14:15.960 --> 00:14:21.399
so much a weekend party celebrate thing, but a fairly regular,

275
00:14:21.879 --> 00:14:25.960
take the edge off thing. And so I think, you know,

276
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:29.240
many listeners of this podcast would recognize that something that

277
00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:31.960
used to be this occasion, like this social you know,

278
00:14:32.080 --> 00:14:36.000
drinking on the weekends, for example, eventually starts to take

279
00:14:36.039 --> 00:14:38.360
a much more prominent role. Like maybe not drinking to

280
00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:41.519
the same extent, but the everyday kind of drinking starts

281
00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:45.200
to happen. Is that what you experienced as well?

282
00:14:45.639 --> 00:14:49.480
No, I didn't experience an everyday habit the level of

283
00:14:49.559 --> 00:14:52.399
drinking that I talk about. I try and sort of

284
00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:55.559
steer away from me hitting the wall. I know your

285
00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:58.080
podcast is called crappy to Happy, but I would say, like,

286
00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:03.080
sort of crappy too much much happier. So my message

287
00:15:03.159 --> 00:15:06.399
is always My message is always that it doesn't have

288
00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:09.720
to get really really really bad before it gets good.

289
00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:14.080
You can actually step off before it gets way too crappy.

290
00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:18.159
So I think sometimes with drinking stories, people really want

291
00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:20.720
the drama with it. They want me passed out on

292
00:15:20.759 --> 00:15:23.720
the floor with a baby crawling over me covered in vomit.

293
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:25.679
I mean I probably had done that a few times,

294
00:15:25.679 --> 00:15:28.960
but like I think, people need it to be really

295
00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:33.159
really bad. My story, but my story is very, very

296
00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:37.279
similar to that of many Alcohol started to impact my

297
00:15:37.360 --> 00:15:40.759
life after having children. I'd been having a few panic

298
00:15:40.759 --> 00:15:44.320
attacks in my early twenties from recreational drug use. Of course,

299
00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:46.720
I was a party girl, so I was taking ecstasy

300
00:15:46.759 --> 00:15:48.960
and cocaine at the weekends. You know, I was off

301
00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:51.200
my trolley for many many years there and ended up

302
00:15:51.279 --> 00:15:54.039
a year of me being very very mentally unwell, and

303
00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:56.600
I never touched another drug. But I remember when I

304
00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:59.720
was really poorly with panic attacks in my early twenties,

305
00:15:59.759 --> 00:16:02.799
my my get better goal was to start drinking again.

306
00:16:03.039 --> 00:16:06.759
That's how ingrained. This drinking identity was within me, and

307
00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:10.039
that carried on until I had children. And after I

308
00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:13.000
had my first son, George, I started to get anxiety

309
00:16:13.279 --> 00:16:15.320
on a Sunday, hence the book is called A Thousand

310
00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:21.159
Wasted Sundays. I started to have terrible anxiety, and that

311
00:16:21.320 --> 00:16:23.679
was the alcohol doing that to me. I didn't drink

312
00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:26.519
every day. I never drank in the morning. I was

313
00:16:26.679 --> 00:16:31.840
always a sociable, happy drinker. It wasn't the image that

314
00:16:31.879 --> 00:16:35.759
people imagine like an alcoholic to look like, which is

315
00:16:35.799 --> 00:16:38.799
this gray area drinking, which is basically everyone I've ever known,

316
00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:42.320
anyone that's ever had a hangover, fits into this sober,

317
00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:47.360
curious realm. And it caused me to question my relationship

318
00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:49.919
with Booze. You would never have People probably thought I

319
00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:52.559
drank too much, but you would have never said VIC

320
00:16:52.600 --> 00:16:55.600
has a drink problem. Perhaps, and that's the problem with it.

321
00:16:55.679 --> 00:16:58.279
I did fall through the cracks for many, many years,

322
00:16:58.679 --> 00:17:01.399
even though I was suffering. And funny that we talked

323
00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:04.279
about diaries at the beginning of the podcast. I've actually

324
00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:06.279
got one sitting here because I use it as part

325
00:17:06.319 --> 00:17:09.359
of my live show. This is my travel diary from

326
00:17:09.400 --> 00:17:13.799
like nineteen ninety nine, and in it there's a chapter

327
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:16.319
where I'm saying, you know, I didn't realize till much

328
00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:18.400
later on, until I had kids, that perhaps drinking was

329
00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:21.200
having a negative impact on my life. But even in there,

330
00:17:21.400 --> 00:17:23.759
I'm saying, I've got to stop drinking. I need to

331
00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:25.960
be sober. And then the next day is I'm drunk again,

332
00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:28.079
and then the next day is I'm hungover, and it

333
00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:31.440
goes on and on and on, and my issue is very,

334
00:17:31.559 --> 00:17:35.720
very clear from twenty five years ago. Even so, it's

335
00:17:35.799 --> 00:17:38.200
quite frightening to see it in those diaries and me

336
00:17:38.279 --> 00:17:41.400
to not have known that I was even worthy of

337
00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:44.200
support back then. I was worthy of somebody stepping in

338
00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:47.079
and going, love, You're out of control, But of course

339
00:17:47.119 --> 00:17:49.039
no one did because everyone was doing the same thing.

340
00:17:49.519 --> 00:17:52.920
But after having kids, they were my first real consequence

341
00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:59.079
to my very recreational, socialized, normalized binge drinking habit a

342
00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:04.160
very common English issue, and that was something that I've

343
00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:06.960
had to learn about a lot, is that it didn't

344
00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:11.640
have to be that bad for me to deserve therapy

345
00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:15.039
or to deserve being able to talk about it. And

346
00:18:15.559 --> 00:18:18.559
it's actually been kind of the niche where I've fitted in.

347
00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:22.240
It's like, look, you don't have to reach these rock bottoms.

348
00:18:22.279 --> 00:18:24.680
You don't have to be, you know, clutching a bottle

349
00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:26.839
of Jack Daniels in a park or on a kidney

350
00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:31.920
dialysis machine. You can actually just be going, alcohol isn't

351
00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:35.079
doing it for me anymore, and that is enough for

352
00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:36.839
you to be deserving of help.

353
00:18:37.319 --> 00:18:40.039
I really like that you made that point, because I

354
00:18:40.119 --> 00:18:44.319
think that you're quite right. Many people, and many women,

355
00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:47.039
Most of my listeners are women, you know, twenty five

356
00:18:47.119 --> 00:18:50.880
to fifty five, let's say, and they start to go, oh,

357
00:18:50.920 --> 00:18:54.680
am I an alcoholic? Or what's the definition? Or how

358
00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:56.359
many drinks do I have to have before I've got

359
00:18:56.359 --> 00:18:56.839
a problem?

360
00:18:56.880 --> 00:18:58.000
And they are much.

361
00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:01.319
Better questions to ask ourselves, aren't there. As you've just

362
00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:04.480
pointed out, it's not about whether you're an alcoholic or

363
00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:06.240
how much you're drinking. You can always find somebody who's

364
00:19:06.319 --> 00:19:09.759
drinking more to make you feel like you're not that bad.

365
00:19:10.319 --> 00:19:14.160
I would have failed those online am I in alcoholic tests,

366
00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:17.480
possibly because I would have lied like I did to

367
00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:21.319
the doctor all the time, like everybody does, but also

368
00:19:21.440 --> 00:19:24.759
because you know, it's so individual, And I always say

369
00:19:24.759 --> 00:19:27.440
to people, it's not about how much you drink. It

370
00:19:27.480 --> 00:19:30.039
could be one glass of wine a year. It's just

371
00:19:30.200 --> 00:19:34.960
your mental relationship with alcohol. You as an individual, How

372
00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:37.119
does it feel? Are you questioning it? Is there a

373
00:19:37.160 --> 00:19:40.559
preoccupation with it? Does it feel like it's doing good?

374
00:19:40.960 --> 00:19:43.079
Is it having a positive impact on your life? The

375
00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:47.519
answer is probably no for most people. But there's definitely

376
00:19:47.559 --> 00:19:50.440
a time where you've just got to question your own

377
00:19:51.039 --> 00:19:53.799
relationship with booze and whether it's okay or not.

378
00:19:54.640 --> 00:19:55.000
Yeah.

379
00:19:55.079 --> 00:19:58.640
Absolutely, Was there a turning point where you said, right

380
00:19:58.680 --> 00:20:01.160
that this has got to stop? Was there a particular moment?

381
00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:04.920
There was four years of me trying to moderate because

382
00:20:05.240 --> 00:20:08.920
of course I was the party girl, and when I

383
00:20:08.960 --> 00:20:12.440
became a mum, the party girl and the mum crashed

384
00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:16.319
together because, as you probably know, partying and mumming is

385
00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:20.200
like mixing your drinks. It is a lethal combination, and

386
00:20:20.400 --> 00:20:23.839
I was trying to it doesn't work well. I was

387
00:20:23.960 --> 00:20:27.880
trying to mother and be hungover. So I'd be lying

388
00:20:27.880 --> 00:20:30.160
in bed with a terrible hangover, not able to move

389
00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:32.519
my head, with a baby crying in the room next

390
00:20:32.519 --> 00:20:35.960
to me, and I felt terribly guilty about that. So

391
00:20:36.039 --> 00:20:38.000
I tried. I'd go, right, okay, I've got to stop

392
00:20:38.039 --> 00:20:40.000
doing this. I've got to stop doing this. Maybe if

393
00:20:40.039 --> 00:20:43.160
I have water between wines, maybe if I salmon on

394
00:20:43.160 --> 00:20:47.279
the Friday night, or all of these weird old wives

395
00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:49.559
tales that I would look up, like, what's not going

396
00:20:49.640 --> 00:20:51.559
to make me hung over? What do I need to do?

397
00:20:52.079 --> 00:20:55.920
None of that worked, and my anxiety progressively got worse,

398
00:20:56.319 --> 00:20:59.799
but I still didn't want to put down the party mantle.

399
00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:03.640
I was still trying desperately hard to be a party girl.

400
00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:06.920
So I would go out, promise to have one, have ten,

401
00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:10.160
come home two hours later and just be like, I've

402
00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:13.200
failed again. And that went on for about four years,

403
00:21:13.240 --> 00:21:17.759
and I got pregnant again, luckily, and I went out

404
00:21:17.799 --> 00:21:20.000
six weeks after my little baby was born. So I

405
00:21:20.039 --> 00:21:22.400
had a four year old and a newborn, and I

406
00:21:22.440 --> 00:21:25.240
went out to the local pub promise my husband i'd

407
00:21:25.240 --> 00:21:28.720
be home by ten, and within an hour I'd ordered

408
00:21:28.759 --> 00:21:31.400
shots and I was dancing pretty much on the bar

409
00:21:31.519 --> 00:21:33.519
with my big maternity nickers hanging out the top of

410
00:21:33.559 --> 00:21:38.000
my trousers. So I got up the next morning and

411
00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:41.359
I had the same anxiety that I'd been having for

412
00:21:41.400 --> 00:21:43.960
the previous four years since my first child was born,

413
00:21:44.839 --> 00:21:48.920
and I knew that I was failing getting better on

414
00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:52.200
my own. I kept repeating the same behavior, and I

415
00:21:52.279 --> 00:21:56.519
just asked myself suddenly, like if I can't fix this myself,

416
00:21:56.920 --> 00:21:59.839
perhaps I have a problem. If I'm not capable of

417
00:22:00.440 --> 00:22:04.240
this issue, then I need some help. I think I

418
00:22:04.279 --> 00:22:06.839
need help. I was a really weird moment in my

419
00:22:06.960 --> 00:22:11.119
brain coming to the understanding that I wasn't fixing this,

420
00:22:11.559 --> 00:22:14.400
I wasn't fixing my own problem. And I remember walking

421
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:16.319
out into the lounge and my husband was there with

422
00:22:16.359 --> 00:22:19.640
the kids and just saying, I need to get professional support,

423
00:22:20.440 --> 00:22:23.359
and I'm failing at this, I'm failing at being a mother,

424
00:22:23.400 --> 00:22:26.519
and actually I'm scared. I was scared. The anxiety was

425
00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:29.640
really really scaring me, and I knew that I wasn't myself,

426
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:31.720
and I knew that my husband was worried about me.

427
00:22:32.319 --> 00:22:34.200
And it wasn't that sort of drinking where he would

428
00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:36.200
go out and say'd stop doing what you're doing. He

429
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:38.680
was like, you know, Vic just gets a bit pissed

430
00:22:38.680 --> 00:22:40.359
every now and again. It's not really a big deal.

431
00:22:40.759 --> 00:22:44.720
But my mental health was deteriorating every single time I drank,

432
00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:46.759
and I just walked out there and I just knew

433
00:22:46.799 --> 00:22:49.640
that that was one hangover too far. And in the

434
00:22:49.680 --> 00:22:52.680
pub that night, I remember just before I left, there

435
00:22:52.759 --> 00:22:55.000
was a weird guy at the bar and I said, yeah,

436
00:22:55.079 --> 00:22:57.079
what are you doing here and having quite a nice chat,

437
00:22:57.519 --> 00:22:59.079
and I said, oh, I've got a six week old

438
00:22:59.160 --> 00:23:01.440
baby at home. And he was like, well, what are

439
00:23:01.440 --> 00:23:03.559
you doing here then, and it was kind of like

440
00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:06.599
a slap in the face and I just went, oh, yeah,

441
00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:08.680
of course I shouldn't be here, like what the fuck

442
00:23:08.720 --> 00:23:11.519
am I doing? And I think sometimes it can take

443
00:23:11.799 --> 00:23:15.000
an outside source because people just bumble along with this,

444
00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:17.599
like social binge drinking. It's like ha ha all the way.

445
00:23:18.079 --> 00:23:21.279
And suddenly someone tapped me on the shoulder and just went, actually, love,

446
00:23:21.799 --> 00:23:23.880
you should be at home with your child. And I

447
00:23:23.960 --> 00:23:27.480
was like, yeah, actually, I fucking should be. So it

448
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:31.119
took many many years. I was over forty by then.

449
00:23:31.359 --> 00:23:33.920
I had Nelly, I think at thirty eight, and it

450
00:23:33.960 --> 00:23:37.519
took me, you know, a while to get sober after that.

451
00:23:38.160 --> 00:23:41.480
But yeah, it's been six years last Sunday now, so

452
00:23:42.079 --> 00:23:44.640
I feel like i've Yeah, that was a big turning

453
00:23:44.680 --> 00:23:46.680
point for me. That was the beginning of a completely

454
00:23:46.720 --> 00:23:47.039
new life.

455
00:23:47.079 --> 00:23:50.880
Quite honestly, where was your fear when you made that decision?

456
00:23:51.079 --> 00:23:53.839
One of the biggest fears about stopping drinking.

457
00:23:54.359 --> 00:23:56.319
I just thought people wouldn't like me anymore. They'd think

458
00:23:56.319 --> 00:24:01.720
I was a complete dullard. Like I thought people wanted

459
00:24:01.960 --> 00:24:05.720
this extroverted party girl that had, you know, a line

460
00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:07.799
of coca in her back pocket and knew what time

461
00:24:07.839 --> 00:24:10.960
the lockin was and the VIP passes. I thought that's

462
00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:15.599
what people expected of me. And with sobriety comes boundaries

463
00:24:15.640 --> 00:24:18.119
and all of these other fantastic things where I now

464
00:24:18.200 --> 00:24:20.839
realize I don't care about the opinions of others, which

465
00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:24.680
is huge of course, when I realized throughout my life

466
00:24:24.720 --> 00:24:28.519
I've been absolutely massive people pleaser and all of my

467
00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:32.559
behaviors and feeling responsible for the happiness of a nightclub,

468
00:24:32.599 --> 00:24:34.680
which is how I felt when I went in I've

469
00:24:34.680 --> 00:24:37.920
got to make everybody else happy. Somewhere along the line,

470
00:24:37.960 --> 00:24:40.200
I'd forgot that I mattered, and that's been one of

471
00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:44.160
my biggest lessons. But I think I was more worried

472
00:24:44.279 --> 00:24:46.759
about failing at it, and I was worried that I

473
00:24:46.759 --> 00:24:48.799
would have to give up drinking forever because I was

474
00:24:48.839 --> 00:24:51.759
just like, I hated sober people. I thought they were

475
00:24:51.759 --> 00:24:56.759
the most boring, idiotic Why even live if you can't

476
00:24:56.880 --> 00:24:59.640
drink sort of attitude. I didn't want them near me.

477
00:25:00.039 --> 00:25:03.160
Why would I want someone even near me who if

478
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:05.799
I can't remember my own behavior, why would I want

479
00:25:05.799 --> 00:25:08.599
someone here who remembers my behavior? It was like you

480
00:25:08.680 --> 00:25:10.839
are the enemy, which I realize now was a real

481
00:25:11.119 --> 00:25:13.920
sort of child bully sort of behavior. I call it

482
00:25:13.920 --> 00:25:16.880
the beer bully now, Like I didn't want you in

483
00:25:16.920 --> 00:25:20.319
my tribe if you weren't acting like I was, if

484
00:25:20.319 --> 00:25:23.200
you were different. And it's a really kind of immature

485
00:25:23.319 --> 00:25:26.480
way of being. And of course I'll have to like

486
00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:29.400
sober people now, but that's really common.

487
00:25:29.759 --> 00:25:32.519
I think the fears are that life won't be fun anymore,

488
00:25:32.880 --> 00:25:36.240
there's no more good times to be had ever. Yeah,

489
00:25:36.279 --> 00:25:39.000
And you know what, So what do I do with

490
00:25:39.079 --> 00:25:42.599
my time and my life. But also that's social pressure

491
00:25:42.599 --> 00:25:45.000
that this is what the role that I play. People

492
00:25:45.079 --> 00:25:47.160
expect me to be up and ready to come out

493
00:25:47.200 --> 00:25:49.759
and have a good time, and if I'm not that,

494
00:25:50.240 --> 00:25:51.400
then where does that leave me?

495
00:25:51.799 --> 00:25:56.000
Yeah, that exact feeling was detrimental to my own health.

496
00:25:56.119 --> 00:25:59.200
I realize now like I was handing myself over to

497
00:26:00.039 --> 00:26:04.240
for the enjoyment of others almost and I realized that

498
00:26:04.319 --> 00:26:08.240
was having huge negative impact on me, and I had

499
00:26:08.279 --> 00:26:11.119
to step out of that to be able to see, well,

500
00:26:11.119 --> 00:26:13.440
what do I like about myself? What are the things

501
00:26:13.440 --> 00:26:16.200
that I want to carry forward into this new life?

502
00:26:16.519 --> 00:26:19.039
And being that life and soul and the person that

503
00:26:19.079 --> 00:26:22.160
everyone relied on for the last laugh wasn't what I

504
00:26:22.200 --> 00:26:24.480
wanted to be. I didn't need to be that. I

505
00:26:24.480 --> 00:26:28.279
didn't need to show anyone anything anymore. My giving up

506
00:26:28.359 --> 00:26:30.599
drinking was about me and my kids. It was the

507
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:34.000
first time that I was doing something for myself and

508
00:26:34.039 --> 00:26:36.920
I had to really concentrate on that and really not

509
00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:40.400
give any of myself away anymore, which has actually been

510
00:26:40.440 --> 00:26:41.799
the loveliest thing I've ever done.

511
00:26:43.359 --> 00:26:46.200
So what was the process for you once you made

512
00:26:46.200 --> 00:26:49.440
that decision? You said, I need professional help you saw

513
00:26:49.559 --> 00:26:50.480
a therapist.

514
00:26:50.720 --> 00:26:51.480
Is that yeah?

515
00:26:51.559 --> 00:26:53.519
Were there any other sort of tools or supports that

516
00:26:53.799 --> 00:26:56.640
you really relied on to help you to make that change?

517
00:26:57.880 --> 00:27:01.200
I looked up loads of different options on I wouldn't

518
00:27:01.240 --> 00:27:03.799
have minded going to the Amazon and licking a toad

519
00:27:03.839 --> 00:27:06.720
and you know, having a shame and taking ayahuasca. I

520
00:27:06.720 --> 00:27:08.279
probably would have quite enjoyed that, but that wasn't an

521
00:27:08.279 --> 00:27:11.519
option because I had two little kids. So I ended

522
00:27:11.599 --> 00:27:16.160
up just looking online and finding a local therapist. And

523
00:27:16.200 --> 00:27:20.240
I think the title was breaking Free of Bad Habits,

524
00:27:20.279 --> 00:27:22.559
and I knew that my drinking by that point, I

525
00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:24.960
knew it was a bad habit. It wasn't habit. I

526
00:27:25.039 --> 00:27:29.079
was no joy in it anymore, and I booked myself in.

527
00:27:29.160 --> 00:27:30.920
I phoned the lady up and just said, oh, I'm

528
00:27:30.920 --> 00:27:32.519
a little bit of a binge drinker that might have

529
00:27:32.559 --> 00:27:35.000
a little bit of a drink problem, sort of hoping

530
00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:37.119
that I would get there and she would say, you're

531
00:27:37.119 --> 00:27:39.640
all right, love. You know, we only serve people who

532
00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:42.319
are drinking mouth wash for breakfast. But that wasn't the

533
00:27:42.359 --> 00:27:45.079
case at all. She said, you're very welcome here and

534
00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:48.000
see you on Monday. And I started twelve weeks of

535
00:27:48.039 --> 00:27:52.880
therapy in which I undid and unraveled my life with her.

536
00:27:53.039 --> 00:27:56.039
Quite honestly, I unraveled all sorts of situations that I

537
00:27:56.079 --> 00:27:58.880
didn't even know were affecting me. There was a kind

538
00:27:58.880 --> 00:28:01.000
of weird boyfriend that had in the past. There was

539
00:28:01.039 --> 00:28:04.759
a weird situation at school with some friends, and I

540
00:28:04.759 --> 00:28:07.000
didn't realize until that point in that sadness that we

541
00:28:07.039 --> 00:28:09.680
talked about at the beginning of the podcast. I think

542
00:28:09.720 --> 00:28:12.039
I had a sadness and I was filling it up

543
00:28:12.039 --> 00:28:14.799
with alcohol. There was a void in me, and I

544
00:28:14.799 --> 00:28:17.680
think that's what you find a lot with people who overdrink,

545
00:28:17.799 --> 00:28:20.880
is that they are trying to fill something, perhaps for

546
00:28:20.920 --> 00:28:24.319
themselves or perhaps for someone else. And it was interesting

547
00:28:24.359 --> 00:28:26.440
to know that stuff about myself. I just always shoved

548
00:28:26.440 --> 00:28:29.279
it under the carpet and gone, oh, yeah, shit happens,

549
00:28:29.319 --> 00:28:32.160
and I'm okay, and I'll carry on. But all of

550
00:28:32.200 --> 00:28:34.480
that stuff had tumbled into a big kind of tumble

551
00:28:34.519 --> 00:28:37.200
weed ball and was still affecting my life. And it

552
00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:40.799
was interesting to know that if I looked back and

553
00:28:40.920 --> 00:28:43.519
healed that stuff, that I could then move forward and

554
00:28:43.599 --> 00:28:46.039
build a new foundation for the life that I wanted.

555
00:28:46.960 --> 00:28:52.680
Yeah, would have been the maybe the surprising benefits of

556
00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:53.960
not drinking.

557
00:28:54.519 --> 00:28:57.440
Gosh, there's so many. I mean, caring about myself is

558
00:28:57.480 --> 00:29:01.039
the main one. And you know, finding out who I

559
00:29:01.240 --> 00:29:03.920
was before I started drinking, because I was actually quite

560
00:29:03.920 --> 00:29:06.720
a confident child that I numbed out and sort of

561
00:29:06.720 --> 00:29:09.839
making amends with her and going it's okay that all that.

562
00:29:10.160 --> 00:29:13.160
You know, what's it called pre child stuff? What do

563
00:29:13.200 --> 00:29:14.759
they call it? In a child? I did a lot

564
00:29:14.799 --> 00:29:18.079
of that in a child work. Yeah, it's fascinating. And

565
00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:21.559
finding out who I was after it. Somebody said to

566
00:29:21.599 --> 00:29:24.440
me once years ago, like, it's not about giving up alcohol,

567
00:29:24.720 --> 00:29:28.000
it's about finding out who you are without it, And

568
00:29:28.079 --> 00:29:30.720
that really has been the most interesting part of it,

569
00:29:30.759 --> 00:29:34.039
is going right, who am I now? Who am I

570
00:29:34.079 --> 00:29:38.839
without this identity, without being reliant and appeasing others all

571
00:29:38.880 --> 00:29:41.839
the time? Who am I as a human being? And

572
00:29:41.920 --> 00:29:45.079
I could never have imagined that me giving up beers

573
00:29:45.160 --> 00:29:49.119
like weekend beers would cause this kind of momentous change

574
00:29:49.160 --> 00:29:53.079
within me. It's quite amazing, really, So, I mean, I

575
00:29:53.119 --> 00:29:56.359
still have shit days. I'm still a shouty mum, and

576
00:29:56.599 --> 00:29:59.720
I get annoyed by things, and I'm probably pery menopausal,

577
00:29:59.799 --> 00:30:03.599
and I have ups and downs, but I definitely handle

578
00:30:03.720 --> 00:30:06.160
things a lot better because I can see the bigger

579
00:30:06.160 --> 00:30:09.000
picture and I definitely care about myself. And I think

580
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:11.839
the thing about sobriety is my boozy life used to

581
00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:13.680
be this wiggly line. You know. It used to be

582
00:30:13.799 --> 00:30:17.200
up and down, the euphoria of a few glasses of wine,

583
00:30:17.480 --> 00:30:19.920
and then the down, which was the come down of

584
00:30:20.119 --> 00:30:23.119
you know, the drug come down or the booze come

585
00:30:23.160 --> 00:30:26.519
down and the hangover. And I think when you decide

586
00:30:26.559 --> 00:30:29.359
to give up drinking, you have to give up that

587
00:30:29.960 --> 00:30:32.960
kind of wiggly line and you have to learn to

588
00:30:33.039 --> 00:30:36.720
live on this more content line throughout your life without

589
00:30:36.759 --> 00:30:39.559
the highs and lows. And that's something that takes time

590
00:30:39.640 --> 00:30:41.559
and effort, and you have to go out and get

591
00:30:41.640 --> 00:30:43.960
new hobbies, and you have to start exercising. You have

592
00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:46.279
to start podcasts and like books and all this other

593
00:30:46.279 --> 00:30:49.559
stuff that you have to start filling the time where

594
00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:52.240
you used to drink. But the best, I would say,

595
00:30:52.240 --> 00:30:54.680
one of the best things is the preoccupation with alcohol,

596
00:30:54.680 --> 00:30:57.559
which I mentioned before. I didn't realize how much of

597
00:30:57.599 --> 00:31:02.400
my life was spent drink, thinking about drinking, planning it,

598
00:31:02.559 --> 00:31:05.519
talking about it, doing it, with my friends. Everything I

599
00:31:05.559 --> 00:31:08.680
did was based upon you know, I would be entering

600
00:31:08.680 --> 00:31:10.839
a room and going like, rais the beers? Where's the beers?

601
00:31:10.880 --> 00:31:14.240
Sort of thing, because I thought that's what everybody did.

602
00:31:14.279 --> 00:31:16.799
But actually I found out that that there's so much

603
00:31:16.839 --> 00:31:19.960
more to life than that, and that preoccupation being gone

604
00:31:20.319 --> 00:31:23.519
and not having to think about booze and never having

605
00:31:23.559 --> 00:31:26.200
to look around for a room for it is a

606
00:31:26.240 --> 00:31:27.039
real joy.

607
00:31:28.079 --> 00:31:28.519
Yeah.

608
00:31:28.599 --> 00:31:30.960
Yeah, I think that's such a great message. So when

609
00:31:31.039 --> 00:31:33.839
you first got sobervic you started a blog, how much

610
00:31:33.960 --> 00:31:36.440
was the writing and the sharing your story kind of

611
00:31:36.640 --> 00:31:40.640
instrumental or how much that factor into your ability to

612
00:31:40.720 --> 00:31:41.920
continue and stay sober?

613
00:31:42.440 --> 00:31:46.640
I definitely think it's held. The podcast is definite accountability,

614
00:31:47.640 --> 00:31:50.960
as is writing a book about sobriety. But when I

615
00:31:51.039 --> 00:31:54.160
sat down to write that book, actually it actually came

616
00:31:54.240 --> 00:31:57.279
before the blog. I sat down to write a book.

617
00:31:57.359 --> 00:31:58.839
I started that book on the day that I gave

618
00:31:58.920 --> 00:32:02.519
up drinking six years and I was just writing it

619
00:32:02.559 --> 00:32:04.799
because I felt like the only person that had got

620
00:32:04.880 --> 00:32:08.000
off the crazy bus before it crashed. I thought there's

621
00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:11.359
a story here because I'm not this extreme drinker, and

622
00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:13.440
I didn't know that there were people like me. I

623
00:32:13.519 --> 00:32:16.359
felt very, very isolated in the first eighteen months of

624
00:32:16.359 --> 00:32:18.759
my sobriety because I did not know that there was

625
00:32:18.799 --> 00:32:23.000
this whole realm available, this whole, you know, community of

626
00:32:23.039 --> 00:32:25.799
people that don't drink. I felt like the only person

627
00:32:25.880 --> 00:32:28.079
in the world that had given up a mid range

628
00:32:28.119 --> 00:32:33.720
been drinking issue, or perhaps an alcoholic issue. But I

629
00:32:33.839 --> 00:32:36.079
felt so alone. I just thought, I'm going to write

630
00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:38.640
this down. If I'm feeling this, there's probably someone else

631
00:32:38.680 --> 00:32:40.839
out there in the world that feels like this too,

632
00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:42.599
so I'm going to write it down. And it just

633
00:32:42.640 --> 00:32:46.079
started off like a diary, like a chronological story of

634
00:32:46.119 --> 00:32:48.880
my life, which I'd gone over in therapy, so I

635
00:32:48.920 --> 00:32:51.480
knew where the red flags were, so it made sense

636
00:32:51.480 --> 00:32:55.079
for me to talk about those times. The rave culture,

637
00:32:55.880 --> 00:32:57.960
the cult I don't know whether you've got to the

638
00:32:57.960 --> 00:33:01.680
cult chapter yet, the sunna blowing my finger off, the

639
00:33:01.720 --> 00:33:05.119
abusive boyfriend. It all fitted in a story quite well,

640
00:33:05.160 --> 00:33:08.200
because when I read it, I realized those stories really

641
00:33:08.279 --> 00:33:11.960
had a place in my life, and they were deserving

642
00:33:12.400 --> 00:33:15.759
of me looking at and understanding. And that was really

643
00:33:15.799 --> 00:33:18.400
interesting about writing it all down was that I got

644
00:33:18.440 --> 00:33:22.559
to see my life in black and white and understand

645
00:33:22.680 --> 00:33:24.960
where I'd gone wrong and how I could then heal

646
00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:29.359
from it. So I started writing the blog probably about

647
00:33:29.359 --> 00:33:31.559
a year after that. So I was like, right, I

648
00:33:31.599 --> 00:33:34.559
feel like I've done a bit of practice, and I

649
00:33:34.599 --> 00:33:38.160
started my Drunk Mummy Sober Mummy blog and that became

650
00:33:38.200 --> 00:33:40.480
really popular really quickly. I just couldn't believe it, like

651
00:33:40.519 --> 00:33:43.079
everybody was reading all my posts. And I was kind

652
00:33:43.079 --> 00:33:44.960
of trying to be anonymous at first because I was

653
00:33:45.039 --> 00:33:47.720
scared that I was being so brutally honest, but then

654
00:33:47.799 --> 00:33:50.039
asked to oh, fuck it, I'm just I am who

655
00:33:50.079 --> 00:33:53.759
I am. I think your confidence grows in sobriety by

656
00:33:53.839 --> 00:33:56.240
the year, and by that point I was like, here

657
00:33:56.319 --> 00:34:00.440
I am, I'm authentically me. This is my story or

658
00:34:00.519 --> 00:34:03.319
hate it, this is what happened to me. And that's

659
00:34:03.359 --> 00:34:06.839
been the best journey as well, is like learning to

660
00:34:06.960 --> 00:34:09.519
just to be authentic and just be who I am

661
00:34:09.599 --> 00:34:12.079
and hope that people like me, and if they don't,

662
00:34:12.159 --> 00:34:14.039
well I don't really give a sheit either. So Okay,

663
00:34:14.039 --> 00:34:16.119
it's all good, Yeah, it's all good. Whatever.

664
00:34:17.960 --> 00:34:19.880
Yeah, I'm just curious about that because I know, you know,

665
00:34:20.039 --> 00:34:23.480
people big name writers like Glennon Doyle for example, you know,

666
00:34:23.519 --> 00:34:25.320
she had a similar story where she felt like that

667
00:34:25.480 --> 00:34:28.880
was her process to sit down and write every day,

668
00:34:28.920 --> 00:34:31.360
and it is so therapeutic. I mean, there's so much

669
00:34:31.440 --> 00:34:33.960
science about that, whether you choose to share it or not.

670
00:34:34.039 --> 00:34:38.360
I just think sitting down and writing processing whatever's inside

671
00:34:38.360 --> 00:34:42.559
of you is just such a healing thing and gives

672
00:34:42.599 --> 00:34:44.239
you that clarity. You know, I'm sure you must have

673
00:34:44.320 --> 00:34:47.000
had you had the therapy, but then with the writing,

674
00:34:47.000 --> 00:34:49.280
I'm sure there must have been those kind of moments

675
00:34:49.280 --> 00:34:52.119
of clarity and insight that you get just from putting

676
00:34:52.119 --> 00:34:53.280
it all out on paper.

677
00:34:54.119 --> 00:34:56.639
Definitely, I think I learned more writing the book than

678
00:34:56.719 --> 00:34:59.960
I did in therapy, quite honestly. There's stuff that bubba

679
00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:02.519
to the surface when you're in that process and you're

680
00:35:02.559 --> 00:35:04.480
in a room on your own and really trying to

681
00:35:04.480 --> 00:35:09.119
remember everything. It's very very soothing writing, and I love

682
00:35:09.280 --> 00:35:12.199
constructing sentences so that there's a bit of a punchline.

683
00:35:12.239 --> 00:35:15.360
So I just really enjoyed the process. And I don't

684
00:35:15.400 --> 00:35:17.000
know whether I would have gone back to drinking if

685
00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:19.599
I hadn't had that. Quite honestly, it became such a

686
00:35:19.679 --> 00:35:22.039
part of my journey that it's just big in this

687
00:35:22.119 --> 00:35:24.960
sort of organic thing. And funnily enough, when I was

688
00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:28.239
pregnant with my first child, I wrote a series of

689
00:35:28.280 --> 00:35:32.280
children's books. I'd always enjoyed writing, and I thought I

690
00:35:32.360 --> 00:35:34.679
was writing, but I thought it was the hormones. I

691
00:35:34.719 --> 00:35:37.239
thought it was the pregnancy hormones. I was like, Oh,

692
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:38.880
these are all making me feel good, and I'm feeling

693
00:35:38.880 --> 00:35:41.639
all creative again. Of course, I realize now it's because

694
00:35:41.639 --> 00:35:44.000
I wasn't drinking for the first time ever in my life,

695
00:35:44.320 --> 00:35:47.880
when I was that magical nine months of pregnancy where

696
00:35:47.920 --> 00:35:51.119
I was able to actually use my brain that I

697
00:35:51.320 --> 00:35:54.079
carried on drinking again after that, But I really see

698
00:35:54.119 --> 00:35:57.559
that as a little sobriety window that I had and

699
00:35:57.679 --> 00:36:00.320
can look back on and go. Of course, it wasn't

700
00:36:00.360 --> 00:36:03.360
the hormones. It was the booze being like burnt off

701
00:36:03.400 --> 00:36:06.000
my skin for the first time ever. So yeah, but

702
00:36:06.079 --> 00:36:09.039
writing has really been a wonderful escape for me as well,

703
00:36:09.159 --> 00:36:13.400
from motherhood and from the party girl. It's like, actually,

704
00:36:13.480 --> 00:36:15.960
if I'm ever wondering why I do this or I

705
00:36:16.039 --> 00:36:18.920
question my choices, I have a book where I go.

706
00:36:19.039 --> 00:36:21.920
Of course, there is terms of page forty that's where

707
00:36:21.920 --> 00:36:24.519
you were completely crazy and ran down the high street

708
00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:26.800
with a traffic cone on your head, naked in Byron Bay.

709
00:36:27.079 --> 00:36:28.599
It's like, I don't think I need to do this

710
00:36:28.639 --> 00:36:31.960
stuff again. I feel like I've done everything drunk, like

711
00:36:32.639 --> 00:36:35.440
I didn't miss anything. It's time to try something new,

712
00:36:35.519 --> 00:36:36.159
that's for sure.

713
00:36:37.239 --> 00:36:39.960
And it sounds like life is still plenty of fun.

714
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:41.920
I think that's the thing that the message that a

715
00:36:41.920 --> 00:36:44.760
lot of people want to be reassured, like life is

716
00:36:44.800 --> 00:36:46.800
still fun, It's still good, you can still have a

717
00:36:46.840 --> 00:36:49.000
good time, go out on the weekends.

718
00:36:49.079 --> 00:36:50.280
Bonus, remember it all.

719
00:36:50.920 --> 00:36:54.679
Yeah, I mean. Alcoholism is a serious topic and we

720
00:36:54.719 --> 00:36:56.960
talk about it on the podcast in a serious way.

721
00:36:57.320 --> 00:36:59.599
We talk about the stats, and we talk about cancer,

722
00:36:59.639 --> 00:37:02.239
and we talk about dementia and mental health and all

723
00:37:02.320 --> 00:37:04.280
of these things. It is a comedy podcast, but we

724
00:37:04.280 --> 00:37:08.519
talk about these things. Alcoholism is a very serious cultural issue.

725
00:37:08.880 --> 00:37:12.599
But also sobriety doesn't have to be the kind of

726
00:37:12.599 --> 00:37:15.840
on this sober as in this word is somber. It

727
00:37:16.039 --> 00:37:19.760
sounds really down and sad and boring, but I reckon

728
00:37:19.800 --> 00:37:22.159
it's about embracing the boring a little bit, Like I

729
00:37:22.320 --> 00:37:26.639
love nothing more now than being boring. It brings me peace,

730
00:37:26.800 --> 00:37:30.800
It brings me joy and crosswords and scrabble and nights

731
00:37:30.800 --> 00:37:33.199
out where I can leave a good time and sneak

732
00:37:33.239 --> 00:37:35.880
out the back door and nobody cares like. It brings

733
00:37:35.920 --> 00:37:41.360
me boundaries and nicer skin and closer relationships. It brings

734
00:37:41.400 --> 00:37:44.920
me so much stuff that I never ever had. All

735
00:37:45.039 --> 00:37:48.039
drinking gave me was a very very short lived high

736
00:37:48.360 --> 00:37:50.360
and which I thought I had to carry on. It

737
00:37:50.440 --> 00:37:53.440
was a five ten minute one glass of wine in Oh,

738
00:37:53.480 --> 00:37:56.079
I feel good, then necking the battle that was it.

739
00:37:56.119 --> 00:37:58.360
I was a total right off. There was none of this,

740
00:37:58.440 --> 00:38:00.480
you know, sitting at a bar with my pink finger

741
00:38:00.559 --> 00:38:02.880
stuck out, look at me and how glamorous I am.

742
00:38:03.159 --> 00:38:05.400
That wasn't me and Booze. That's not how we worked.

743
00:38:05.599 --> 00:38:07.679
It was me passed out in a toilet with somebody

744
00:38:07.719 --> 00:38:11.239
holding my ponytail as I sort of regurgitated tequila shots

745
00:38:11.239 --> 00:38:13.719
into the toilet. So me and booz never ever really

746
00:38:13.760 --> 00:38:16.039
worked well. I realize that now, but we just sort

747
00:38:16.039 --> 00:38:18.639
of accept that as a sort of part of it

748
00:38:18.679 --> 00:38:22.880
that we act crazy. So I think the lesson for me, definitely,

749
00:38:23.400 --> 00:38:26.960
You know about that boring word and about its reputation,

750
00:38:27.239 --> 00:38:29.719
is that life's what you make it, and you only

751
00:38:29.719 --> 00:38:31.519
live once and I spent a lot of it in

752
00:38:31.559 --> 00:38:34.880
a blackout. And now I'm really trying to embrace life

753
00:38:35.280 --> 00:38:37.599
day by day as it is good or bad. Like

754
00:38:37.639 --> 00:38:41.440
I'm conscious to witness my failures and successes. And I

755
00:38:41.480 --> 00:38:43.039
couldn't be prouder quite honestly.

756
00:38:43.800 --> 00:38:47.480
Yeah, No, you should be vig while you were going

757
00:38:47.480 --> 00:38:49.440
through your own journey in a recovery for one of

758
00:38:49.480 --> 00:38:52.639
the better word journey. Were obviously this book would be

759
00:38:52.679 --> 00:38:54.840
your book would be a great resource for people. Were

760
00:38:54.880 --> 00:38:58.400
there books that you read that you found really helpful

761
00:38:58.960 --> 00:39:01.400
or podcasts that you live into, you know the other

762
00:39:01.440 --> 00:39:04.599
resources you would recommend for people going through that process.

763
00:39:05.199 --> 00:39:10.719
I definitely recommend William Porter's book Alcohol Explained if you're

764
00:39:10.719 --> 00:39:14.480
a bit of a science brain. It just explains cravings

765
00:39:14.519 --> 00:39:17.440
and that alcohol need and like you tricking yourself into

766
00:39:17.440 --> 00:39:20.480
thinking that you want it, and how that works. It

767
00:39:20.559 --> 00:39:24.880
is absolutely fascinating. The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober is

768
00:39:24.960 --> 00:39:29.400
by Catherine Gray. That is also a wonderful book, very

769
00:39:29.440 --> 00:39:32.280
similar vein to mine. There's also this, I think it's

770
00:39:32.360 --> 00:39:36.079
called This Naked Mind. This Naked Mind is a great one.

771
00:39:36.159 --> 00:39:39.199
There's so much out there now, there's so many resources

772
00:39:39.599 --> 00:39:42.280
that you can just even I recommend to people very

773
00:39:42.280 --> 00:39:45.079
early on in their sobriety, or even just before they

774
00:39:45.079 --> 00:39:47.760
decide to take this leap. It's just if you're an

775
00:39:47.800 --> 00:39:52.679
instagrammer or a facebooker, go and join and follow some

776
00:39:52.719 --> 00:39:55.800
people who are sober, because it is a really I know,

777
00:39:55.840 --> 00:39:58.480
we hate social media and it's just the big most

778
00:39:58.480 --> 00:40:01.400
fucked up thing in the world. If you're struggling, there

779
00:40:01.440 --> 00:40:03.360
is something there that's twenty four to seven that you

780
00:40:03.360 --> 00:40:05.559
can just go and flip through and go, Okay, there's

781
00:40:05.599 --> 00:40:07.559
a nice quote about so I used to hate quotes,

782
00:40:07.599 --> 00:40:10.239
but now I'm all about the quotes. That's so true.

783
00:40:10.719 --> 00:40:12.639
But you can just flip through and there's people there

784
00:40:12.679 --> 00:40:15.239
that are doing what you're doing. I have a free

785
00:40:15.280 --> 00:40:18.719
online sober community if anyone wants to join that. It's

786
00:40:18.719 --> 00:40:24.000
called Cuppa Cuppa Dot community. It's a free, basically social

787
00:40:25.159 --> 00:40:28.920
forum where you can talk about your sobriety and find

788
00:40:29.159 --> 00:40:31.119
loads of other people in your area that are doing

789
00:40:31.159 --> 00:40:33.960
the same thing. So there's loads of stuff, loads of books,

790
00:40:34.039 --> 00:40:37.800
loads of podcasts. Start Sober Awkward from the beginning. We

791
00:40:37.880 --> 00:40:40.480
will be your mates on this journey. So yeah, come

792
00:40:40.519 --> 00:40:42.400
and have a ride with us. We talk a lot

793
00:40:42.440 --> 00:40:46.880
about Willy's though, just so that to warn you, I

794
00:40:46.880 --> 00:40:47.280
think you're.

795
00:40:47.199 --> 00:40:48.559
Just gonna hold on new subscribers.

796
00:40:49.840 --> 00:40:54.079
That's really great, and I would completely agree. I think

797
00:40:54.119 --> 00:40:57.719
that the more that you can start to consume content,

798
00:40:57.800 --> 00:41:01.920
consume media that reinforce is the message that you've shared today,

799
00:41:02.519 --> 00:41:04.639
the more it helps people to kind of relax into

800
00:41:04.639 --> 00:41:07.079
this idea that oh, actually maybe I can do it,

801
00:41:07.159 --> 00:41:11.000
Maybe I will be able to do that, life won't

802
00:41:11.000 --> 00:41:15.039
be all boring. She's got to continue to reinforce that message.

803
00:41:15.199 --> 00:41:18.039
Absolutely, and I think it's time just to start being

804
00:41:18.159 --> 00:41:20.800
kind to your body. Sometimes I didn't if somebody had

805
00:41:20.840 --> 00:41:22.280
said that to me when I was a big drinker.

806
00:41:22.320 --> 00:41:24.760
I've just been, you know, f off and down another

807
00:41:24.800 --> 00:41:28.639
glass of wine. But now since I've given up drinking,

808
00:41:28.800 --> 00:41:31.559
I can see the error of my ways and go, well, actually,

809
00:41:31.559 --> 00:41:34.320
that was somebody who just didn't care about herself. And

810
00:41:34.440 --> 00:41:37.760
sobriety brings many wonderful things into my life, but I

811
00:41:37.760 --> 00:41:40.199
would say that's the biggest one, and of course being

812
00:41:40.199 --> 00:41:43.679
more present with my children. I realized that my drinking

813
00:41:43.800 --> 00:41:46.239
was like saying, I need to drink to deal with

814
00:41:46.280 --> 00:41:49.400
your behavior, or I need to drink because I've had

815
00:41:49.400 --> 00:41:51.559
a hard day and it was all quite selfish. I

816
00:41:51.639 --> 00:41:56.320
realized my messaging with them, and actually, nowadays I really

817
00:41:56.960 --> 00:41:59.760
enjoy being this cycle breaker in my family and living

818
00:41:59.800 --> 00:42:03.000
in a house that's alcohol free, just so that my kids

819
00:42:03.039 --> 00:42:05.159
have a choice about alcohol at the end of the day.

820
00:42:05.400 --> 00:42:07.960
Perhaps I didn't have that choice growing up so much.

821
00:42:08.039 --> 00:42:10.199
I mean, you could say that everyone has a choice,

822
00:42:10.199 --> 00:42:12.760
but I'm not sure that I did. It was everywhere,

823
00:42:13.119 --> 00:42:16.480
and I think by creating an environment where the kids

824
00:42:16.519 --> 00:42:19.119
where you're very president and authentic and you know, it's

825
00:42:19.119 --> 00:42:23.079
not fucking perfect all the time. But I would say

826
00:42:23.119 --> 00:42:27.280
that having an alcohol free house and us not leaning

827
00:42:27.360 --> 00:42:30.840
on a drug, if we can say that to numb

828
00:42:30.840 --> 00:42:34.320
ourselves out from them, I think is a really positive message.

829
00:42:34.320 --> 00:42:36.920
But ask me in a few years, because my oldest

830
00:42:37.039 --> 00:42:41.079
is twelve, so we're just about to reach those interesting times.

831
00:42:41.119 --> 00:42:46.280
So yeah, it's been a few years. How that's going big.

832
00:42:46.320 --> 00:42:48.320
Thank you so much for your time today. It's been

833
00:42:48.800 --> 00:42:52.519
so much fun and great message, and congratulations on the book.

834
00:42:52.559 --> 00:42:53.639
It really is a great read.

835
00:42:54.320 --> 00:42:57.039
Yeah, thank you so much. It's called A Thousand Wasted

836
00:42:57.119 --> 00:43:00.559
Sundays and you can buy in Australia. I haven't got

837
00:43:00.599 --> 00:43:02.800
a book deal yet in England, so hopefully soon you'll

838
00:43:02.800 --> 00:43:04.320
be able to get it in England as well. Yeah,

839
00:43:04.519 --> 00:43:06.400
it's just in Australia and New Zealand at the moment,

840
00:43:06.719 --> 00:43:09.079
but you can buy it and pay the postage and

841
00:43:09.119 --> 00:43:11.360
I can send it that the book agency will send

842
00:43:11.400 --> 00:43:12.440
it to you in England.

843
00:43:12.559 --> 00:43:14.079
Yeah, yeah, perfect.

844
00:43:14.480 --> 00:43:16.199
Vic thought it was important to share with you because

845
00:43:16.239 --> 00:43:19.159
she forgot to say that she does continue with regular therapy.

846
00:43:19.239 --> 00:43:21.920
She finds that really essential and in maintaining her well being.

847
00:43:22.239 --> 00:43:25.519
Drunk Mummysobermummy dot com is the name of her website

848
00:43:25.559 --> 00:43:27.519
and that is where you can find all of her resources.

849
00:43:27.519 --> 00:43:29.639
Her blog, links to the podcast, anything else that you

850
00:43:29.679 --> 00:43:30.599
think might be helpful.

851
00:43:30.639 --> 00:43:32.599
Loads of really valuable resources there.

852
00:43:32.920 --> 00:43:33.840
Thank you so much for.

853
00:43:33.840 --> 00:43:36.199
Being here again this week. If you enjoy the show,

854
00:43:36.239 --> 00:43:38.280
please leave us a rating and review, share the episode

855
00:43:38.280 --> 00:43:41.760
with your friends. Can't wait to catch you next week

856
00:43:41.880 --> 00:43:56.320
for another episode of Crabby the Happy