March 4, 2018

Bouncing back - how to be more resilient

Bouncing back - how to be more resilient
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Bouncing back - how to be more resilient
Bouncing back - how to be more resilient
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Season 2 Mindset Positive Psychology

Life is full of adversity, disappointment and setbacks. Why is it that some people cope well with stress and struggle, while others feel so defeated? Tiff and Cass discuss how you can cultivate your resilience to handle lifes challenges, the importance of developing more optimistic thinking and the mindset interventions that will help you change how you feel about failure so that you naturally become more resilient.Connect with Cass:
www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com 
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Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
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Transcript
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A listener production.

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Welcome to Crappy to Happy with Tip and Cass. Last

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episode we were talking about life after a baby. Today

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we're going to talk about making a comeback, how to

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be more resilient. So Cas, let's start with a definition

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of resilience.

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Okay, Resilience is often considered to be a personality trait

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that you either have it or you don't, whereas resilience

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is actually more appropriately described as a process. So we

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cultivate resilience in the ways that we learn to cope

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with stress and adversity and difficulty. So a lot of

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the early research around resilience came out of looking at

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children from poor socio economic backgrounds, disadvantaged families, and looking

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at which ones were able to cope and thrive and

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do well in life and which ones actually didn't, which

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ones ended up in you know, crime or you know,

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drugs and things like that. So that's where this kind

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of topic or this research topic of resilience.

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Sprang from. And now, of course we use the word.

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Resilience, I guess to describe, you know, the kinds of

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skills and processes and the capacity to cope with life,

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to bounce back from setbacks, and difficulties, or to.

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Cope with change and crisis.

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Yes, and in the modern world we live in, people

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are more stressed, they're more overwhelmed, they're even you know,

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the diets are worse. We're eating more sugar where it's

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impacting our brains. We're feeling as stressors can be, and

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we're always on twenty four to seven.

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We are.

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In fact, the digital the whole digital age has really

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impacted us in so many ways. But it also has

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affected how we work and how we live, and it

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affects our levels of stress.

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Generally can be out of balance, so you're working more

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and you're not you know, it's.

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And there are you know that the world is changing rapidly,

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and I suppose there's this increased focus on how we

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cultivate this ability to be able to cope with challenge

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and change and get on with it and deal with setbacks.

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And you know, how do we equip our children, yes,

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to deal with a changing world and to deal with

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difficulties and setbacks. I think there's some you know, there's

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a lot of talk out there that we wrap our

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kids in cotton baall and we don't do them any

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favors these days but what we really want to be

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doing is equipping them with the skills to cope and

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to deal with tough stuff in life.

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And we see that in workplaces as well.

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So there's a heavy focus, of strong focus at the

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moment on this concept of resilience and what it is

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and how do we have more of it?

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Yeah.

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Yeah, And for me, I first came across resilience through

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martial arts, and it was something that was talked about around,

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you know, teaching self defense and anti bullying and all

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of that, but it was more so about controlling your

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emotions and controlling your responses, which is very important in

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self defense situations and things like that. So my question

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to you, Cassi, is resilience just about like controlling your emotions.

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Is it about always just being mentally tough, always keep

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going no matter what?

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Is that what resilience is?

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No?

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So, And I actually read an article just the other day,

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I posted it on my Facebook about this misconception, Yes,

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that resilient people are people who taugh. Yeah, there's this

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sort of hardness to it, or that they don't ever

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experience difficulties on negative emotions that they just pushed.

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Like a machine.

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Yeah, and that's not the case at all. It's about

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how we interact with our environment and how we manage

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our emotions and manage ourselves in the face of difficulty.

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I think is probably more true and more appropriate definition

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of what resilience is.

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That makes sense.

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So we all know people, either in our own lives

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or that we know of through You know who celebrities

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are in the media who have seemed to have this

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quality of resilience, if we call it a quality by definition,

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is actually a process.

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But you know, I think of JK.

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Rowling and how many publishers she submitted Harry Potter too. Yeah,

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I think she I don't remember as at twelve rejections,

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twenty rejections, and she just kept on going. And she

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was a single parent supporting a child living in poverty

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that she just had utmost belief in this manuscript and

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she kept going and she got through. And we don't

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always hear about not everybody has been through.

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And often you look at an overnight success and you think, oh,

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they're an overnight success. But early on, my mum said

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to me, for every overnight success, there's ten years of

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hard work behind that overnight success.

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So you people always stick at it. And it's the

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most important thing to.

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Teach kids and to learn ourselves to never give up,

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to stick at it.

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Yeah, to stick at it.

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And so we I guess we all when we see

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it like that, we really admire it, you know, but

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we don't hear necessarily of all the people who have

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packed it in and given it away and who haven't

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coped with the rejection or haven't been able to deal

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with the failure, and so who have given up and

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gone on to do something else. And not just in

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celebrity world, but in life. You know, we see people

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who can rise to a challenge and push through and

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do really well and achieve success, and we see other

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people who tend to just not cope so well. And

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I guess all of us, at different times and in

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different situations, cope better or not. But I guess what

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we're talking about is this capacity to be able to

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to you know, get some negative feedback or experience a

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disappointment or a failure, and then what do you do

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with that? You know, do you continue, do you push through,

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do you take it on the chin and learn from it,

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or do you let that defeat you? And so more

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often than not, what we're trying to do is to

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not let it defeat us and to use that to

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move forward and to make progress in life.

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I think that's a really important skill.

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And is it as simple cass as saying, you know,

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I fail over and over and that's why why I succeed.

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I fail, I learn, I move on. I never lose,

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I just learn. You see all these inspirational quotes about.

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I think that's great in hindsight, failing, failing, failing forward,

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you know, but when you're in it, it's really hard. Yeah,

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when you're in it, it is really hard. And also,

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you know, I hear that failing forward thing, and I

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think that was really a big thing in organizations for

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a while as well.

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But the organization has to support that as well. I

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think that's a whole actually separate conversation. Yeah, because if

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you're in an organizational environment that doesn't support failure, then

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that's very risky. That's a very emotionally risky So and

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I think this is why actually more organizations are saying

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we want we want a resilient workforce. We want to

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be able to cultivate that capacity to share ideas, to

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put yourself out there, to be able to take on

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hard feedback, but the whole organization has to be on

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board with supporting that.

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Yeah, okay, cas, So are you born with resilience or

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can you up it?

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You can definitely increase it, you know, whether you're born

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with it or all born with a particular you know,

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kind of temperament and personality traits. And I think we're

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very adaptable as little human beings on the planet. But

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certainly there are environmental factors that and you know, personal

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things that we can do that will increase our resilience.

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So let's talk about those things. Can you share with us?

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Where do you begin in cultivating this resilience?

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Because I'm particularly interested in it as a mom wanting

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to build a resilient child.

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I really think that to start with resilience has a

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lot to do with how you interpret, how you interpret

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and the meaning that you make of failure and of

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disappointment and setback and feeling inadequate, you know. So a

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lot of it comes down to how because as we've

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talked about before, everything that happens in life we make

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meaning of it, yes, and that dictates how we respond.

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It dictates how we respond emotionally to that. And the

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next thing that we do the next behavior that we

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do so with failure, for example, there are some research

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around whether we have an optimistic or a pessimistic explanatory style,

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so about how we explain difficulty, how we explain setback,

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and there's some research that if you have a more

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optimistic explanatory style, then you tend to be more resilient

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and we can learn that learned optimism was, you know,

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a theory put forward by Martin Seligman, father of positive psychology,

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and he so I teach people this all the time.

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The critical thing of the.

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Three p's, So when something goes wrong in your life,

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you fail an exam, you don't make the sports team,

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you lose.

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Your job, whatever it might be.

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The three piece are how much do you personalize that?

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So personalization is it's all my fault, it's all on me,

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versus there are other factors that have come into play here.

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The other one is permanence.

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It's all over.

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This, I'll never bounce back from this, versus this is

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just a temporary step back.

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I'm just going to take stock, regroup, and then move forward.

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And the third one is pervasiveness, which is something goes

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wrong and my whole life is a disaster versus it's

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just this one exam. You know, other things in my

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life are all going well so and it's this, this

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disappointment is contained to this one area of my life.

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So I always say to people, check your three p's

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because if you have a difficulty or a setback and

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you start saying, and you can listen to people's language,

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and you can listen to your own language, what a disaster.

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I always screw things up. I'm such a loser, I'll

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never get it right.

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It's all over.

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Then that's a really self defeating way of thinking about

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a difficulty or a setback. But if you can change

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some of that language, if you can rethink, and you know,

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cognitive restructuring is you know, just basically changing how you

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think about things to be able to sit back and say, okay,

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well maybe it wasn't.

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All on me.

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Maybe you know, part of it was me, but part

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of it was this and this and these other factors,

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and maybe it's you know, it's not forever and it's

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and it's not all over, and I can you know,

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keep this in perspective, then I can have another go

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And what can I learn from it?

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And how do I move on from that.

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So that's a really important way that optimism and optimism

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again is that it's considered to be a trait like

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a part of your personality, but it's also it can

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be a state or an explanatory style. So you can

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learn to reframe things in a more optimistic way. And

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there's a lot of benefits to doing that. You know,

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for resilience, but also just for optimistic people tend to

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do better generally in life.

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Performance with the personalization.

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What are some techniques to avoid that negative language?

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Well, in psychology, you have a really basic process that

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we use and we teach it to people and anybody

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can use it. Anybody can do it, and we call

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it the ABC the ABCD actually, so we talk about

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A is the activating event. So what's happened, and you

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can write this down and you can chart it on

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a piece of paper. A is something happened, and then

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B is the belief. What do I tell myself about that?

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What's the story that I'm telling myself. We've all got

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a story that we're telling ourselves about whatever has happened, yes,

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and so getting that down is really important because the

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A happens, the B is the belief. I tell myself something,

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and then the C is the consequence. As a result,

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I feel a particular way and as a result, I

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behave in a particular way. So the D in this

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whole process is to go back and dispute those beliefs

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and those ideas.

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So if I can go, if you've got.

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Really clear if you can really clearly write down and

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and B sorry not censor yourself. Yes, I write down

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everything that you're thinking, even if you think it's ridiculous

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or you're embarrassed. Nobody else needs to see it about you.

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But what am I telling myself about this? And oftentimes

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as soon as you actually write it down on paper,

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people will say, I can see that that's really not realistic.

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I can see that I'm being really unbalanced in my

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thinking or irrational in my thinking. And so just getting

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it out of your head and onto paper can be

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helpful for people.

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Yeah, definitely.

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But then if there are things there that you might

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be believing to be true, then the D can help

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you to say, well, hold on a minute, is there

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potentially another way that I could look at this? Is

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there another alternative, another a possible alternative explanation for this?

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So it can just help to shift some of that

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more pessimistic, unbalanced kind of thinking. If there's a lot

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of self criticism, self judgment, you can shift.

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Some of that around.

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That's a real goodie and then ease to come up

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with something more effective. So that's that's a really neat

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little process that anybody can do. And I have that

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just on a word document and I email it out

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to people and they can just but once you know

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it in your head, you can do it yourself. So

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but the other thing is again just the mindfulness. You know,

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we talk about mindfulness, and it's just noticing those thoughts

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and just recognizing that this is the story I'm telling myself,

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and it's just a story. It's not necessarily inherently, there's

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no inherent truth to it. So that diffuse being able

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to unhook and detach from that story and not fully

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believing everything that you're telling yourself about this difficult situation.

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That can be helpful as well. And I need to

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go straight from that into mindfulness and self compassion because

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mindfulness is a big part of self compassion. So it's noticing,

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of course, what's happening, how am I feeling, what am

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I telling myself, and how can I be kind to

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myself because, let's face it, disappointment and failure and set back.

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You can reframe it however you like, but it hurts.

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It hurts so bad.

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And that's what we and we don't want to shy

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away from that. We don't want to avoid that discomfort.

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It's not about not feeling bad, it's about giving yourself

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some kindness in that moment and recognizing this does this sucks, Actually,

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this is really painful, and this is not what I wanted.

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This is not what I would have hoped for or anticipated,

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but it's happening and that's the reality. So mindfulness is

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being present to what's happening, but also being able to

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be kind to yourself, giving yourself the same kindness that

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you would a friend in a similar difficult situation or

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experiencing a similar adversity. And we're not very good at

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that because that whole pessimistic explanatory style is about this

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is all my fault.

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I'm such a loser. Was wrong with me? I never

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get anything right.

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So if we can shift that and to say, well,

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maybe it's not all me, and in fact, maybe okay,

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this you know, this hurts and I can. I just

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need to be a bit gentle with myself and give

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myself some self care before I regroup and then come

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back and you know, take the next step towards that whatever.

300
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Really helpful, Yeah, because you can't just say every failure

301
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is a lesson. No, moving forward and it's great that process.

302
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Really it's a process. Yeah, there's a process there. And

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then you may look back and go, hey, I failed

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upwards and it's fantastic, and I failed fantastic.

305
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But you do need that every moment, you need to

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give yourself some kindness.

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Yeah.

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The other thing is about failure, even how we feel

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about failure.

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That's really interesting as well, because I don't know if

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you've ever heard about the.

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Growth mindset versus the fixed mindset.

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That's research that's come out of Stanford University recently. So

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the fixed mindset basically is the belief that I have

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certain skills and talents and characteristics that are fixed. I'm

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born with them. This is who I am. I'm good

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at maths, I'm not good at running. I'm good at that,

318
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but I'm not good like that's just who I am.

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And so the other the growth mindset is that I

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actually can potentially develop any skill that I want in

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any area if I put in enough effort and I'm

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consistent enough.

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In my approach.

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And so if you have a fixed mindset, this is

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the interesting research that has come out. It's like your

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whole self worth and identity is wrapped up in this

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is what I'm good at, yes, and therefore if I

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do something and it doesn't, therefore it should come easily

329
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to me. And if I do something and it feels

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difficult or challenging or it's outside of this domain, then

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that feels frightening to me because that reflects really badly

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on me. And so people tend to try to prove

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themselves over and over within this domain, like they're very

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intent on staying in their box and continuing to prove

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themselves in those areas, and failure feels terrifying because it

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undoes you know who they think they are.

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And I say they, I mean all of us.

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If you have a fixed mindset, and I think all

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of us to some degree, I know I can remember

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as a kid feeling like that's what I'm good at.

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That's not me. I'm not good at that, and so

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I would not.

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Venture in really into those areas that I didn't feel

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like I was good at because I didn't like feeling

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incompetent actually, and adults especially don't like feeling incompetent.

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But it sort of was.

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It just felt clear to me early on that I

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was good at maths, but I wasn't very good at

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music or whatever. And different kids will experience that in

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different ways. But if you have a growth mindset, you

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have this belief that I can do anything if I

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put my mind to it, and feedback if I fail

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at something. That the feedback is really useful because it

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gives me a springboard to know what to do different.

355
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Or better next time.

356
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So you're much more likely to take risks and put

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yourself out there because failure doesn't is no reflection on

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my inherent ability or worth.

359
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It's just feedback.

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Whereas this fixed mindset, So this is fixed and growth

361
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mindset can be really interesting as well.

362
00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:39.519
How do you change from a fixed mindset to a

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growth mindset?

364
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Can you change? Can you work on that?

365
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You can work on that?

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Yeah, and you can just by recognizing it for a start, Okay,

367
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and then it's about when you recognize that you're feeling

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like I this is difficult or challenging, then you can

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you just push yourself out of your comfort zone, yes,

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to some degree, and you reinterpret.

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Failure the idea of failure.

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I think, just again, it's one of those things that

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just the knowing of it, Yes, it's enough to make

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you realize when the mindfulness, I can see what's happening here,

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I can make a choice to do something different in

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order to extend myself or to grow just going out

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as an adult and doing things that feel new and

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00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:19.160
different and uncomfortable.

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00:19:19.240 --> 00:19:24.599
So everything we're talking about, like mental toughness, resilience, being

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00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:29.160
outside your comfort zone, failing, they're all uncomfortable. So how

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00:19:29.160 --> 00:19:30.880
do you push yourself to do it if it just

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feels yuck.

383
00:19:32.200 --> 00:19:35.079
That's why I love mindfulness so much, because inherently mindfulness

384
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is about being able to tolerate that discomfort.

385
00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:40.480
So you got practice not letting that define you.

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00:19:40.799 --> 00:19:43.720
I think practice sitting in that discomfort, like not just

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00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:46.000
doing it once and then retreating and going oh no.

388
00:19:46.279 --> 00:19:48.839
I always say, just push to the edges, like, don't

389
00:19:48.920 --> 00:19:51.119
leap so far out of your comfort zone that it's

390
00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:54.640
so overwhelming and frightening that you're just going to retreat

391
00:19:54.640 --> 00:19:57.640
straight back in. I always say, just push the boundaries

392
00:19:57.799 --> 00:20:00.799
a little bit, just take yourself to the edge and push.

393
00:20:00.960 --> 00:20:04.079
And the more that you take small risks and start

394
00:20:04.119 --> 00:20:07.599
doing some things differently helpful, then can then the more

395
00:20:07.640 --> 00:20:09.519
that you get the feedback that, oh, well, that wasn't

396
00:20:09.559 --> 00:20:12.319
so bad, I survived that, I actually learned something from

397
00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:15.519
that that was kind of exhilarating, And then the more

398
00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:17.799
likely you will be to try again.

399
00:20:18.519 --> 00:20:21.359
Fantastic advice, Cass. So let's take a little break. We'll

400
00:20:21.400 --> 00:20:23.559
be back soon, and we're going to talk about more

401
00:20:23.599 --> 00:20:30.039
ways you can build resilience. You're listening to Crappy to

402
00:20:30.079 --> 00:20:32.839
Happy with Tiff and Cass and we're talking about resilience.

403
00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:34.160
I have a question.

404
00:20:34.400 --> 00:20:39.119
Is resilience about toughening up, you know, if you're say,

405
00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:43.640
being bullied or something like that, just you know, sucking

406
00:20:43.640 --> 00:20:47.240
it up, being tough, getting through it, getting over it.

407
00:20:47.720 --> 00:20:50.559
I think that's a bit of a common misconception actually,

408
00:20:50.960 --> 00:20:53.640
and that's not what we're talking about at all, just

409
00:20:53.680 --> 00:20:54.400
sucking it up.

410
00:20:54.440 --> 00:20:57.119
And if we're talking hardening up, you know all those

411
00:20:57.160 --> 00:20:59.720
things that are said to kids sometimes.

412
00:20:59.400 --> 00:21:02.359
Oh yeah yeah, and you know, and when you're starting

413
00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:05.119
to talk about bullying or verbal abuse.

414
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:06.839
You know, that's a whole separate thing.

415
00:21:06.839 --> 00:21:08.319
It's important to clarify that.

416
00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:11.599
And so we're not talking about just you know, sucking

417
00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:13.920
it up and dealing with things that are more like

418
00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:18.279
unacceptable behaviors. There's a separate process of those things. We're

419
00:21:18.279 --> 00:21:20.799
talking about really having the skills in the capacity to

420
00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:24.519
cope with life's stresses, stress and difficulties and adversities which

421
00:21:24.519 --> 00:21:26.920
we all face, failures and setbacks and disappointments and the

422
00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:29.680
life stuff that we all have to deal with inevitably.

423
00:21:29.720 --> 00:21:35.240
But you know, bullying and it's handled differently, it's a

424
00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:40.799
differently topic. Yes, So if you're feeling stress, you're feeling overwhelmed,

425
00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:45.799
you you're experiencing disappointments, what can you do in that

426
00:21:45.960 --> 00:21:49.160
moment when you're feeling that stress or something happens to you.

427
00:21:49.759 --> 00:21:52.119
One thing we know that makes a big difference, and

428
00:21:52.119 --> 00:21:55.279
a lot of people don't realize this is that how

429
00:21:55.359 --> 00:22:00.799
you perceive stress, or how you perceive you know, anxiety

430
00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:03.720
or a performance pressure, for example, makes a big difference

431
00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:06.160
to how you respond to it. So whether you perceive

432
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:11.799
something as being a threat or a challenge can make

433
00:22:11.839 --> 00:22:14.279
a big difference. Not just to you psychologically how you

434
00:22:14.319 --> 00:22:17.839
approach that situation, but how your body actually physically responds.

435
00:22:18.759 --> 00:22:23.359
So yeah, there's some interesting research that's come out about that.

436
00:22:23.400 --> 00:22:26.000
So if you perceive something as a threat, if you're

437
00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:28.920
in a situation that's very stressful and you perceive yourself

438
00:22:28.920 --> 00:22:31.440
as being under attack, then you go into a fear

439
00:22:31.480 --> 00:22:34.880
response and you shut down and the fight or flight

440
00:22:35.559 --> 00:22:38.039
you know, mechanism that we've talked about a lot, that

441
00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:40.960
part of your brain that alerts you to threat will

442
00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:42.559
kick in and it.

443
00:22:42.519 --> 00:22:43.759
Starts pumping your blood.

444
00:22:45.160 --> 00:22:47.720
You know, it's gearing you up for that fight or

445
00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:51.440
flight response. But what it does is it restricts your

446
00:22:52.240 --> 00:22:55.480
blood vessels and your blood circulation because in the case

447
00:22:55.519 --> 00:22:58.079
of your being stabbed, so that you won't bleed out,

448
00:22:58.240 --> 00:23:01.759
you know, so back in the day cave, that's what

449
00:23:01.799 --> 00:23:04.519
your body does to protect you. If you perceive something

450
00:23:04.599 --> 00:23:09.039
as a challenge and that you know, it's like almost

451
00:23:09.079 --> 00:23:12.720
the difference between going into something frightening like a fight,

452
00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:14.480
but not that any of us are really going on

453
00:23:14.519 --> 00:23:16.359
to a fight, like a performance appraisal or you're feeling

454
00:23:16.359 --> 00:23:21.319
really threatened, versus going into a sporting match. You know,

455
00:23:21.400 --> 00:23:24.079
your grand final in the sporting team. The same sort

456
00:23:24.079 --> 00:23:27.319
of physiological response, but you see one as threatening and

457
00:23:27.359 --> 00:23:29.359
one as a challenge that you need to rise to

458
00:23:29.400 --> 00:23:33.720
and bring your best performance to, and your body responds differently.

459
00:23:33.799 --> 00:23:36.720
A lot of the physiological response is the same, but

460
00:23:36.759 --> 00:23:40.119
your blood vessels actually open up so that you pump

461
00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:43.359
more blood around your body, get more oxygen to your

462
00:23:43.799 --> 00:23:48.000
muscles and your brain, and you have a whole different response.

463
00:23:48.519 --> 00:23:54.920
So that whole concept of how you think about a situation,

464
00:23:55.039 --> 00:23:57.319
whether you think about it as being difficult or whether

465
00:23:57.359 --> 00:24:00.160
you think about it as being challenging, can actually it's

466
00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:03.799
proven to improve your performance if you are able to

467
00:24:05.200 --> 00:24:08.119
tell yourself that this is this is a challenge, this

468
00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:09.839
is nothing to be frightened of. And the ways that

469
00:24:09.880 --> 00:24:12.440
you can do that, So, first of all, you can

470
00:24:13.119 --> 00:24:15.519
one really good tip is to as if you're going

471
00:24:15.519 --> 00:24:19.200
into something that feels difficult or stressful, is to remind

472
00:24:19.240 --> 00:24:21.279
yourself of the times in the past that you have

473
00:24:21.400 --> 00:24:24.599
overcome similar challenges. So it's like reminding yourself of your

474
00:24:24.599 --> 00:24:29.400
own inherent strength and capability, the strengths that you've had

475
00:24:29.559 --> 00:24:31.599
that you've been able to draw on in the past.

476
00:24:31.920 --> 00:24:34.599
Like it's just that mental kind of reminder that I've

477
00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:36.880
done this before, I can do this again. I've got

478
00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:43.319
some inherent resources and capabilities thinking about how prepared you are,

479
00:24:43.839 --> 00:24:46.519
you know, just just an acknowledgment that, like even coming

480
00:24:46.559 --> 00:24:48.519
in here today, always when we record these things, I

481
00:24:48.559 --> 00:24:50.880
always feel a bit nervous. But if I just say

482
00:24:50.880 --> 00:24:53.640
to myself, I know this stuff. I talk about this

483
00:24:53.680 --> 00:24:56.759
all the time, I've got you know, plenty.

484
00:24:56.400 --> 00:24:59.039
Of years, lots of degrees.

485
00:24:59.359 --> 00:25:02.559
Yeah, we can pause the thing anytime, like you know,

486
00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:05.200
It's just it makes it takes that pressure off and

487
00:25:05.279 --> 00:25:07.799
actually feel more like I can come in here and

488
00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:10.640
do this job. Whereas if I spent the whole time

489
00:25:10.680 --> 00:25:13.279
thinking what am I going to talk about, people will

490
00:25:13.279 --> 00:25:15.240
think I'm an idiot. You know, it would be a

491
00:25:15.240 --> 00:25:18.200
whole different experience. So we can all do those things

492
00:25:18.200 --> 00:25:21.039
depending on the situation we're going into. If you just

493
00:25:21.400 --> 00:25:25.880
have a sense in yourself this just knowing that the

494
00:25:25.960 --> 00:25:28.799
stress response in your body is not a bad thing.

495
00:25:28.839 --> 00:25:31.799
Because we think of stress as harmful and toxic. We

496
00:25:31.839 --> 00:25:34.079
talk about that all the time, and in fact some

497
00:25:34.240 --> 00:25:36.839
stress is good. And if we think about our body's

498
00:25:36.880 --> 00:25:41.759
response to threat, threat or difficulty or adversity, is it's

499
00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:44.759
a protective factor, like our body is actually gearing up

500
00:25:44.839 --> 00:25:48.119
to prepare us for something that is difficult or challenging.

501
00:25:48.519 --> 00:25:51.960
Then that that can just switch your mindset and it

502
00:25:51.960 --> 00:25:54.799
can actually just and it's physiologically it switches your body

503
00:25:54.839 --> 00:25:55.640
to a different state.

504
00:25:56.440 --> 00:25:59.279
So sometimes just knowing that, yeah, can make all the difference.

505
00:25:59.279 --> 00:26:01.920
And you're controlling what you can control. You're controlling the

506
00:26:01.960 --> 00:26:05.920
controllables there exactly by prepping for an exam and doing

507
00:26:05.920 --> 00:26:09.440
everything you can to prepare and going in there going well,

508
00:26:09.480 --> 00:26:13.480
I'm prepared, I know this stuff. I've given the effort

509
00:26:14.319 --> 00:26:16.000
and that's all I can do.

510
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:18.319
Yeah, And if I'm feeling a bit nervous, then that's

511
00:26:18.359 --> 00:26:19.240
a good thing.

512
00:26:19.240 --> 00:26:21.079
And that is normal, and a bit of pressure in

513
00:26:21.119 --> 00:26:23.039
life and a bit of nerves is okay. The goal

514
00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:25.599
isn't to never feel nervous or to never feel stress

515
00:26:25.720 --> 00:26:26.799
or to never feel pressure.

516
00:26:26.880 --> 00:26:28.880
Is it? No? Exactly exactly right?

517
00:26:28.920 --> 00:26:30.759
And if we do, if we perceive those things as

518
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:35.400
bad and we avoid them, then that's the opposite of resilience.

519
00:26:35.880 --> 00:26:38.599
Then we start avoiding situations that we think are going

520
00:26:38.640 --> 00:26:43.680
to threaten us, or situations we might fail in or

521
00:26:43.720 --> 00:26:47.480
do badly in then that's the opposite of what we're

522
00:26:47.559 --> 00:26:48.000
going for.

523
00:26:48.319 --> 00:26:51.799
And something that has helped me having a physical job

524
00:26:51.839 --> 00:26:55.559
for most of my life when my being able to

525
00:26:55.640 --> 00:26:57.799
pay the mortgage and the bills is wrapped up in

526
00:26:57.960 --> 00:27:01.200
my body and being able to form, whether that was

527
00:27:01.200 --> 00:27:04.240
a coach on The Biggest Loser or filming fitness videos,

528
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:08.599
or being a gladiator or a taekwondo instructor. For many years,

529
00:27:08.599 --> 00:27:11.240
if I got injured, that meant I couldn't work, So

530
00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:13.799
it was always I was the thing I was most

531
00:27:13.920 --> 00:27:17.559
terrified of in my life was always injury. So I've

532
00:27:17.599 --> 00:27:20.960
had full knee reconstruction and all sorts of things that

533
00:27:21.039 --> 00:27:24.839
I've had. Resilience has always been tested for me through injury.

534
00:27:24.920 --> 00:27:27.920
How do I come back through rehab and through injury

535
00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:30.160
and get my body back to a point that I

536
00:27:30.200 --> 00:27:33.279
can work, And something that has helped me has always

537
00:27:33.319 --> 00:27:34.880
been about finding meaning in that.

538
00:27:35.240 --> 00:27:35.440
Yes.

539
00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:38.599
So for example, I'm running a fitness business at the

540
00:27:38.599 --> 00:27:41.240
moment with a broken ankle, So I have changed the

541
00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:45.839
focus to modifications. How can you exercise in a chair.

542
00:27:45.960 --> 00:27:49.519
This is great for people who are older and wanting

543
00:27:49.559 --> 00:27:52.240
to work out, for people who are disabled, for people

544
00:27:52.279 --> 00:27:56.480
carrying injuries, showing them how to work out sitting down. Basically,

545
00:27:57.200 --> 00:27:59.559
that's the meaning I've found in this broken ankle to

546
00:27:59.599 --> 00:28:01.680
try and help motivate me through it.

547
00:28:02.079 --> 00:28:05.039
And that's is that something that helps psychologically?

548
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:11.960
Yeah, for sure, finding meaning is like fundamental really to resilience.

549
00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:15.039
So and you know, we all know the people who

550
00:28:15.079 --> 00:28:19.920
come out of the most horrific experiences sometimes and if

551
00:28:19.960 --> 00:28:22.640
they cop like, the resilient ones are the ones who

552
00:28:22.680 --> 00:28:26.319
go on to make it about something beyond themselves, the

553
00:28:26.319 --> 00:28:29.119
ones who start the charities and the causes. Look at

554
00:28:29.160 --> 00:28:32.359
Samuel Johnson with the Connie Love Your Sister Foundation, you know,

555
00:28:32.680 --> 00:28:36.680
really horrible, difficult circumstances and look what he's done. But

556
00:28:36.759 --> 00:28:39.839
the people find ways to cope and to thrive by

557
00:28:39.960 --> 00:28:42.359
making it about more than themselves. Like they find that

558
00:28:42.440 --> 00:28:46.200
meaning in Queensland where I'm from, the Daniel morcam Foundation,

559
00:28:46.359 --> 00:28:48.799
you know, yes, because he went missing just near where

560
00:28:48.839 --> 00:28:51.400
I live actually, and the work.

561
00:28:51.200 --> 00:28:55.559
That they've done out of the most horrendous life experience.

562
00:28:55.920 --> 00:28:59.160
So you know, that's probably getting into like you know,

563
00:28:59.200 --> 00:29:01.640
the post traumatic growth kind of area. But there are

564
00:29:01.640 --> 00:29:05.799
some people who actually come out and thrive from the

565
00:29:05.839 --> 00:29:09.519
most horrendous experiences, so you can.

566
00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:11.680
Sit back and think, how can I make the best

567
00:29:11.759 --> 00:29:12.599
of this situation?

568
00:29:12.720 --> 00:29:15.599
What do I learn from this? Yeah, how do I

569
00:29:15.640 --> 00:29:17.720
make meaning of this? And how do I make this

570
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:20.039
not worth nothing? Not for nothing?

571
00:29:20.480 --> 00:29:24.119
So as you go along in work, in life, in relationships,

572
00:29:24.839 --> 00:29:28.599
feedback is offered, sometimes given whether you want it or

573
00:29:28.599 --> 00:29:32.480
you don't. And taking on that feedback and not being

574
00:29:32.599 --> 00:29:35.799
devastated or falling apart if it's not positive.

575
00:29:36.799 --> 00:29:37.720
You know, that's difficult.

576
00:29:37.759 --> 00:29:40.920
That's part of resilience, it is, So is it something

577
00:29:40.960 --> 00:29:43.200
that you have to train in? Should we be asking

578
00:29:43.240 --> 00:29:46.759
people for their feedback and their opinion and like go

579
00:29:46.799 --> 00:29:49.319
and seek it so that we can sit with uncomfortable

580
00:29:49.319 --> 00:29:51.559
feedback if it's not always good, and try and learn

581
00:29:51.599 --> 00:29:52.720
from it.

582
00:29:52.759 --> 00:29:55.759
Is that helpful? Yes?

583
00:29:55.960 --> 00:29:58.799
Well, I think being able to cope with not always

584
00:29:58.880 --> 00:30:02.200
positive feedback is it important? I think it comes down

585
00:30:02.240 --> 00:30:05.359
to with the feedback thing. It's like whose feedback is important?

586
00:30:05.440 --> 00:30:07.359
For a start, because there'll be plenty of people, you

587
00:30:07.400 --> 00:30:09.240
know yourself, tif there'll be plenty of people who will

588
00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:11.960
offer you feedback about how your parent and about how

589
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:15.319
you're run a business, and so you've got to really

590
00:30:15.799 --> 00:30:19.319
come back to you can be defeated by all of it,

591
00:30:19.960 --> 00:30:22.960
or you can be defensive and say you don't know

592
00:30:22.960 --> 00:30:23.839
what you're talking about.

593
00:30:23.960 --> 00:30:24.720
But there are these people.

594
00:30:24.920 --> 00:30:28.440
There are certainly people who kind of crumble or are

595
00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:31.640
very resistant and defensive to negative feedback. And I think

596
00:30:31.759 --> 00:30:36.279
the key is about differentiating which feedback is relevant and

597
00:30:36.319 --> 00:30:39.279
important and which is not, so having the capacity to

598
00:30:39.319 --> 00:30:45.200
filter out what is not necessarily relevant or important. I

599
00:30:45.240 --> 00:30:47.640
always go back to Brene Brown because she's in the

600
00:30:47.640 --> 00:30:49.440
public eye. And I know we're not talking about necessarily

601
00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:51.480
people in the public eye, but she's in the public eye.

602
00:30:51.480 --> 00:30:53.920
She did a TED talk and she just got walloped

603
00:30:53.920 --> 00:30:55.720
by a lot of people. And so she's got a

604
00:30:55.799 --> 00:30:59.279
rule now that she only takes feedback from people who

605
00:30:59.359 --> 00:31:01.519
are in a similar situations, people who are prepared to

606
00:31:01.519 --> 00:31:04.799
put themselves out there, like she doesn't take feedback from

607
00:31:05.039 --> 00:31:11.559
armchair critics. Basically, yes, in a workplace, for example, sometimes

608
00:31:11.599 --> 00:31:15.160
in order to grow, you need to take people's feedback.

609
00:31:15.359 --> 00:31:16.960
And I think this comes back to that fixed and

610
00:31:17.000 --> 00:31:21.880
growth mindset. If you fundamentally believe that my self worth

611
00:31:21.920 --> 00:31:24.640
is tied up in what other people think about me

612
00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:27.839
doing well in this particular domain, then that's very limiting,

613
00:31:29.359 --> 00:31:31.839
and so we want to be able to take on

614
00:31:32.279 --> 00:31:34.400
some of that, have the capacity to take on some

615
00:31:34.880 --> 00:31:38.519
constructive feedback and to be able to grow from it.

616
00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:41.519
And sometimes it does mean practicing. Sometimes it does mean

617
00:31:41.519 --> 00:31:43.720
putting yourself into situations and saying, can I have your

618
00:31:43.759 --> 00:31:47.359
feedback on this, as difficult and uncomfortable as it is,

619
00:31:48.039 --> 00:31:51.279
and learning and understanding that you're not defined by that.

620
00:31:52.400 --> 00:31:55.559
So I think when it comes to receiving feedback, particularly

621
00:31:55.519 --> 00:31:58.079
in the workplace or situations like that, then the important

622
00:31:58.079 --> 00:32:00.359
thing is not to personalize it too much. Go back

623
00:32:00.359 --> 00:32:02.799
to that pessimism, you know, that pessimistic explanatory stuf.

624
00:32:02.799 --> 00:32:03.480
It's very easy to.

625
00:32:03.480 --> 00:32:07.119
Jump to I'm terrible, I'm a loser, you know, and

626
00:32:07.200 --> 00:32:09.759
your mind kicks in with all of those kinds of thoughts.

627
00:32:09.799 --> 00:32:14.200
So just being able to remember that it's not all

628
00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:17.720
about you, it's not personal to be able to you know.

629
00:32:18.519 --> 00:32:21.599
What happens oftentimes in a situation where getting negative feedback

630
00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:23.839
or you feel like you're in a difficult conversation as well,

631
00:32:24.680 --> 00:32:26.920
is that the fight or flight response kicks in. Yes,

632
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:29.680
because we feel threatened, we feel like our identities threatened,

633
00:32:29.720 --> 00:32:33.359
our sense of ourself and our self image and everything

634
00:32:33.400 --> 00:32:36.119
is being threatened, so that can make it really difficult

635
00:32:36.119 --> 00:32:39.680
to actually be centered enough to take that feedback on

636
00:32:39.720 --> 00:32:42.279
board and to take what potentially could be really valuable

637
00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:45.200
from it. So if we can calm that down and

638
00:32:45.279 --> 00:32:48.319
slow deep breathing is the best way to calm down

639
00:32:48.799 --> 00:32:50.759
the fight or flight response. And we haven't even talked

640
00:32:50.759 --> 00:32:54.000
about that before, but slow deep breathing into your belly

641
00:32:54.039 --> 00:32:56.519
to calm down your own anxiety and calm down that

642
00:32:56.599 --> 00:33:00.000
threat response is a really great way to just stay

643
00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:02.319
entered to you know.

644
00:33:02.279 --> 00:33:05.440
To listen, listen, to actually.

645
00:33:05.079 --> 00:33:07.759
Be open enough to hear the feedback, and then to

646
00:33:07.799 --> 00:33:13.079
be able to after that initial you know, the difficulty

647
00:33:13.119 --> 00:33:15.240
or the shock or however you feeling about that, to

648
00:33:15.279 --> 00:33:17.640
be able to then go away and process that and

649
00:33:17.680 --> 00:33:20.119
to then decide, well, is there something I can learn

650
00:33:20.160 --> 00:33:23.519
from this? You know, what do I take from this

651
00:33:23.599 --> 00:33:25.599
that's important to me? Or that you know, how can

652
00:33:25.640 --> 00:33:28.119
I grow and benefit or not? Or I might say

653
00:33:28.119 --> 00:33:30.720
that's I don't actually think that that's true.

654
00:33:30.720 --> 00:33:31.319
I don't agree.

655
00:33:31.359 --> 00:33:33.240
You have always got that choice, but you want to

656
00:33:33.240 --> 00:33:35.039
be able to be open minded enough to hear it

657
00:33:35.119 --> 00:33:38.400
and not be completely defeated by it in that moment.

658
00:33:38.440 --> 00:33:40.920
That's really helpful. Cast, thank you and we hope that

659
00:33:41.039 --> 00:33:42.400
helped you to listening.

660
00:33:42.799 --> 00:33:43.519
In the next.

661
00:33:43.319 --> 00:33:46.880
Episode, we're talking healthy relationships will speak to you then.

662
00:33:53.119 --> 00:33:55.799
Rappy to Happy is presented by Cast done produced by

663
00:33:55.839 --> 00:34:04.400
Davids Lanski. Audio production by Darcy Thompson. Listener