Dealing With Anger: Healthy ways to manage your feelings

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This is Crappy to Happy and I am your host,

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Cas Dunn. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness

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meditation teacher and of course author of the Crappy to

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Happy books. In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring,

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intelligent people who are experts in their field and who

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have something of value to share that will help you

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feel less crappy and more happy. Welcome back to Crappy

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to Happy. Such a pleasure to have you join me today.

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This week I had a session with a client of

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mine who was really struggling with a lot of anger,

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obviously more emotions underneath anger, the sadness, vulnerability, and she

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was really having a hard time knowing what to do

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with that to stop it from really impacting her. She

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knew that she was ruminating and she was unable to

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let this situation go. And I'm sure she won't mind

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me using this to share on the pod, because it

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really as we worked through this situation together and helped

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her to come to an outcome and something like a resolution,

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it really got me to thinking about how we struggle

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with anger, all of us, How we are not trained, really,

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we're not really very well equipped to deal with anger

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in a healthy and productive way. And I think that's

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especially true for women because we are, you know, just

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we're socially kind of conditioned to be the peacekeepers and

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the nurturers, to be the kind ones, the compassionate ones.

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It's unbecoming to be too shouty and ranty and angry,

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which is kind of the way we think about anger,

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right We think about being shouty and ranty and aggressive,

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and also our experiences of anger when we are on

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the receiving and are often shouty and ranty and aggressive.

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So there's not a lot of role modeling out there

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for what do you do when you feel really angry

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and you need to find a way to express it

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or contain it or manage it, Like, what do you do?

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We are naturally conflict avoidant. Typically we don't like to

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be confrontational with people, partly again we're not trained to

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have those conversations, but also we can be fearful of

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the repercussions. We don't quite know how that's going to

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turn out, and so we are more likely to want

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to avoid inflaming a situation or creating a situation that

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might get heated and hostile and if we don't know

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how it's going to go, and if we're feeling particularly angry,

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we either don't know what we're going to get back

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from the other person, or we maybe don't trust ourselves

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to be able to manage our own aim and we

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might be concerned about what we might do or our

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own emotions being out of control if we are feeling

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really riled up about something. So let's talk about anger today.

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When we talk about anger, generally, some people are more

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prone to be angry than others. You know, some people

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have what we call a low frustration tolerance, a low

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tolerance for frustration, which basically means that they kind of

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have this personality that it only takes something quite minor

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to set them off. They're either really explosively angry or

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they're just the kind of person who spends a lot

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of time just being grumpy and irritable and unhappy with things.

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There are certain aspects of your personality that you're born with,

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just your temperament. Everybody's born with higher and lower levels

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of sensitivity, higher and low levels of distress tolerance. Some

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are really chill and some are a little bit more sensitive.

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That's just individual differences. But then obviously your upbringing, how

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you're raised, will have an impact, and then what is

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modeled to you in your own family home. If it's

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very normal for people to be very vocal and loud

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and shouty, but then everybody's best friends five minutes later,

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then that could be what has been normalized for you,

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and you might operate in the same way. Conversely, you

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might have grown up in a home where there was

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a lot of anger and shouting and that has made

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you very anti anger, so you're the person who really

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tries to contain any strong emotions that you have if

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you start feeling upset or irritable with somebody. So there's

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a whole lot of stuff going on. There's a whole

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lot of individual differences that will impact how likely you

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are to be angered by something, and also how you

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choose to respond to that. Whether you're a person who

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is likely to just express that, get it all at,

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whether you're a person who's more likely try to contain

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that and bottle it down and suppress it and try

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to manage it on your own, and I guess the other.

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A thing to say about anger, just broadly, especially in psychology,

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when we talk about anger. We often talk about anger

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being a protector. It's almost like a surface level emotion

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that is there to protect something that is more vulnerable

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underneath it. Often if you are feeling very angry, I mean,

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and sometimes you are right to be angry. There are

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things worth getting angry about in your life in the

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world in general. But sometimes if you sit with anger

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for long enough and you be present with it, and

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we do this in some of the meditation practices that

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I do, is that often if you allow and acknowledge

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the anger, it will shift and there'll be something more

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vulnerable underneath it. There will be a sadness, there will

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be a fear, there will be a rejection, a disappointment,

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there will be a sense of loss. You know, there

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is very often something that is underneath anger that is

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more vulnerable. So it can also be really helpful or

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experiencing anger. If you're angry about something towards another person,

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for something they have done and how they have treated you,

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that it can be just helpful for yourself to be

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willing to consider what might be underneath that, because sometimes

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we are reluctant to go to something that's more vulnerable.

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Sometimes it feels easier to stay in the anger. We

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can feel very self righteous and very justified, and that

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can be nice and convenient and a way to avoid

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touching on something that is a little bit harder to

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look at or to admit to, particularly to somebody who

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has hurt you. But you know, we're just talking about

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admitting it to yourself at this point. When we think

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about anger and things like anger management or needing to

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control your anger or contain your anger, I think the

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problem is that we talk about containing anger or controlling anger,

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which is a natural human emotion, when what we're really

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talking about is managing controlling how we express that anger.

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It's fine to feel angry, I mean, it's not great

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for your health if you hold on to too much

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anger for too long, which is why you have to

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find a way to either express it or or to

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find a way to resolve it within yourself. But it

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is not anger itself. That's the problem. When we talk

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about anger management, we talk about people who have really

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uncontrolled outbursts, people who become aggressive, who cause destruction, who

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become violent, who do harm to other people or to

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property because they're not effectively able to manage that anger.

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So they're highly volatile, they're highly reactive, and then they

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have an inability to effectively regulate not just their emotions

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but their behaviors. And again, this is why I think

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we're all tuned into we've got to control our anger.

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Any parent knows that with your kids. You know, like,

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you're allowed to feel what you feel, But it's what

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you do with that feeling that is the important thing.

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It's how you express that, what you do with it

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that matters. That's what we need to exercise, some self regulation,

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a little mindfulness, a little slowing down and taking a

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breath before we impulsively act on and express their anger

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in an unhealthy way. I also think people have a

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really tricky time discerning the difference between aggression and assertiveness.

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And again I will say, I know it's not just women,

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but I think women especially have a hard time discerning

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what is being assertive and what is being aggressive. But

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they're concerned. Women are concerned that if they are assertive,

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they will come across as aggressive, so they often struggle

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with expressing themselves clearly, particularly if there is some anger,

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or some frustration or some irritability. They will often avoid

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saying anything about it because they don't want to be aggressive,

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And again there's a difference. There is a difference between

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a healthy expression and being assertive, being really clear and

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articulating what your complaint is and what outcome you would like,

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or what you would like to happen differently, or how

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you need to set boundaries whatever the situation is, and

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being aggressive. One way to think about that, just while

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we're on that topic, aggression is really like steamrolling over

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other people's needs, other people's opinions, other people's thoughts, feelings,

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their perspective, really prioritizing your perspective, what you want, what

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you need, how you want things to go, and pushing

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that through like bulldozing that through without regard for anybody

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else and without regard for the damage that that might

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cause or without consideration of anybody else's perspective. A certiveness,

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on the other hand, is when you are able to

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hold and be clear about and be willing to express

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your needs, your perspective, your preferences, how you want things

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to go, what you like, what you don't like, while

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at the same time being able to hold somebody else's perspective,

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being willing to acknowledge that there is another perspective. So

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it's not about you having to be right or having

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to steam roll over anybody else, but it is holding

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your opinions and preferences and needs and desires and thoughts

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and feelings in a situation at the same level as

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another person's, so it still allows for the other person

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to be able to equally express their perspective, their thoughts,

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their needs, their opinions, whatever, and from their have a dialogue,

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from their decide whether there is some room for compromise,

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to decide if there's some room to resolve the situation,

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or to decide that this isn't going to work and

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I need to set a boundary and I need to

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go a different way. But it's after hearing and allowing

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space for everybody's perspective. So being passive because unfortunately for

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many women, in their desire to not be aggressive, they

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instead default to being passive. And being passive means that

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the other person steamrolls you. So all of the airtime

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goes to the other person's needs, desires, preference, opinion's, thoughts, feelings,

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et cetera, and there is no room for yours, So

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you are not heard and you are not considered. Your

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perspective isn't taken into account. So we don't want passive,

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which is what are many women default to and why

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they end up carrying this bubbling away anger and resentment,

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which is not good for you. But we don't need

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to go to aggressive either, So not being passive doesn't

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mean that the automatic second choice is to go straight

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to aggression. Being assertive is that middle ground, and I

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think it can be helpful to remember that being assertive

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is not prioritizing your perspective and your opinions or what

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you want over somebody else's. It is just making sure

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that your view gets equal airtime, that it is held

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at the same level. It's not diminished and it's not elevated.

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It is given the same consideration. So if you struggle

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with assertiveness, maybe that might help you so that you

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don't feel like you're being aggressive. So, coming back to

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my client situation, something happened. She was treated badly by

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a medical professional. Now medical professional you could substitute legal professional, dentist, plumber.

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She has a professional relationship with some people and also

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a history, so there is some personal relationship there as well,

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and she felt that she wasn't listened to she felt

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that she was really devalued. She was talked over, and

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this has consequences, like it didn't just impact how she

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felt in that moment that she wasn't listened to. You

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know how people in certain professions can get a bit

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of a God complex. And I don't mean to be judgy.

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I mean, even as I say that, I'm thinking it

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is probably actually more like that. They are very busy,

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they're probably stretched. You know, they don't have the best

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bedside manner because they're getting straight to the point. And

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they also contend to be defensive, and especially if they

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think that you think you know better if you come

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across that you've googled your symptoms. You know that. I

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like that, And I'm not saying that's what my client did.

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I'm I'm just using this as examples of why people

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can get a little defensive and then they start to

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get their back up in some of these interactions. My

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client was just trying to express herself and advocate for herself,

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and which she has every right to do, and what

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she was getting was talked down to, condescended, to talked over,

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really dismissed, really not heard at all, and so naturally

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she was very upset. This is a medical situation too,

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so she's also unwell, and you know she needs medical help.

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And the people that you're relying on to support you,

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when they're the people who are diminishing you and making

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you feel unsafe, then that is a really that is

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a very vulnerable situation to be in. But like I said,

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it can go for any professional relationship. You're relying on

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somebody's professional expertise, but you also are relying on them

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to treat you like an actual adult with a brain

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and to hear your views. So she was naturally very upset,

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and she was also really angry. And she is not

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a person with the low tolerance for frustration. She's a

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person who's very calm. She's very thoughtful and measured, and

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I would say that I think it would take a

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lot for her to get really angry, but that's how

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she was feeling when she and I got together. Another

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reason that I am bringing this example in in particular

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is because it was really interesting to kind of work

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through it together in real time. It was very present

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when we spoke, and she has a lot of practices,

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a lot of self care practices that she uses to

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manage her own self and manage her own emotions. And

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she's she practices meditation and she practices mindfulness, and so

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she was really doing the work. She was really trying

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to get this anger under control, but she was finding

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herself ruminating about it, and she knows full well that

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this is not good for her, this is not good

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for her health. And at the same time, she was

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actively avoiding having any other contact with these people. So

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the first thing that I want to say about that,

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and the first thing that I did say, is but

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at anger serves a purpose. Anger has a function. There

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is a reason we get angry, and anger acts to

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mobilize us. It activates fight or flight. Literally fight fight

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is speak up, stand up for myself, stand up against injustice.

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Anger serves a really useful purpose. So trying to calm

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ourselves or meditate our way out of anger, which obviously

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we don't want to be consumed by anger. Obviously we're

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going to do those things. Ideally you want to do

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those things rather than continuing to ruminate and do yourself

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more harm and keep you stuck in that place. But

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sometimes anger needs to be expressed, Like sometimes it's not

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sufficient to try to bypass it. Even some of the

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strategies that we use to try to get ourselves out

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of that angry state, to take the high road. It's

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almost bypassing. It's almost an avoidance, because actually what needs

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to happen is I need to express that anger. There

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is something, there is an unfairness or an injustice here

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that needs to be addressed one way or the other. Now,

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maybe sometimes you can't always deal with that person, the

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person or the situation that has caused you to feel

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like that. Maybe sometimes it's not appropriate or you're not

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able to express it, in which case there are other

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ways that you can try to just get that out

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of your system. You can express it physically. You can

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punch punching bags, you can scream into a pillow. You

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can write letters that you never send. You can send

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voice notes to just get it out, like, get it

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out of your system, as opposed to it kicking around

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in your head. There's a big difference between you just

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ruminating and crafting all the things that you would say,

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thinking of all the things that you would say in

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your head, versus actually sitting down and writing it on paper.

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Even if you never send the letter, even if you

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never send the email, it is much more helpful to

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actually get it out of your head and get it

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down on paper. That's if you choose to articulate, and

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you're a person who wants to express and put words

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to your experience. Sometimes it is just a case of

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moving that through your body, like just getting it out

294
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through your physical actions, running, punching, kicking, yelling, whatever it

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is that you need to do to move through your

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body and get it out. But when we discuss the

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possibility of actually expressing how she felt and how this

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interaction had made her feel, there was not a reluctance,

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because I think she was actually quite keen on saying

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how she felt. A bit for what would be the

301
00:17:14.480 --> 00:17:18.000
point the relationship is destroyed anyway, a bit of I

302
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might as well just tell them what I think, because

303
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there's nothing to lose here. In trying to find the

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balance between saying what I want to say, but trying

305
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to be a bit careful and considered and mindful and

306
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how you communicate that so as not to inflame the situation,

307
00:17:31.960 --> 00:17:34.200
there was a bit of well, what does it matter anyway?

308
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I should just feel comfortable to say whatever I want

309
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to say. So what we talked through was and what

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you might want to consider if you're in a similar

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situation is what would the ideal outcome be, like what

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would be the preferred outcome? And the preferred outcome really

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would be whatever the situation is. It's usually you want

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to feel heard. If you feel like you haven't been heard,

315
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you want to at least feel heard. Even if the

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person doesn't acknowledge your perspective or your opinion, even if

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they get more defensive, even if they say you're making

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00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:06.200
it all up or it's all in your own head,

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you want at least the opportunity to have expressed your position.

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So there's value in that given everything that I just said.

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The disclaimer there is that writing a letter or having

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a conversation with somebody who you're angry with with the

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view to getting some resolution or getting an apology, or

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getting that person to understand, or getting that person to

325
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acknowledge your perspective, that can be a dangerous game to

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play because you have no control over what that person's

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response is going to be. You have to go into

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that situation however you choose to express yourself. You have

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to be willing to completely let go of any expectation

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that that person's going to respond in a way that

331
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is of benefit to you, that feels good for you,

332
00:18:50.839 --> 00:18:54.000
that acknowledges or validates you, because a lot of the

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time that doesn't happen. People have got their own defenses,

334
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people have got their own stuff going on, they've got

335
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their own issue, and I've got their own perspective about everything.

336
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You know, Oftentimes people are not going to be willing

337
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to acknowledge your perspective. So sometimes people end up feeling worse.

338
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If you go in with what you want to say

339
00:19:12.079 --> 00:19:16.240
hoping for somebody to acknowledge and validate or apologize, you

340
00:19:16.279 --> 00:19:17.759
can be really let down and it can make you

341
00:19:17.799 --> 00:19:20.839
feel even worse than when you started. So key is

342
00:19:21.039 --> 00:19:23.079
be willing to let go of the outcome. You might

343
00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:25.599
not get the respons that you want now. The other

344
00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:29.799
thing is that when you express yourself, you are only

345
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expressing your perspective. You can only express your opinion or

346
00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:38.160
the impact it had on you. As soon as you

347
00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:44.319
start using words like you humiliated me, you belittled me,

348
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you treated me like a child, that person's wide open

349
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to say no, I didn't. All I did was this.

350
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All I said was this. Because what you're expressing is

351
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your experience. So therefore, again it can just be helpful

352
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in terms of mindful communication to consider the language that

353
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you use in order for there to be no comeback

354
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and to get into a tip for tat. And that's

355
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not what I did. More, yes, you did all of

356
00:20:10.680 --> 00:20:14.640
that back and forth. It's expressing my perception. Was this

357
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from my perspective. This, This is how I felt as

358
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a result of that interaction. This was my experience during

359
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that interaction. This is how it impacted me, And therefore

360
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this is the impact it has had on my behavior,

361
00:20:29.319 --> 00:20:31.839
on my willingness to engage with you. This is how

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I felt. It's my experience, it was my perspective. That's

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00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:37.759
all I have. So when you start going for opinion,

364
00:20:38.039 --> 00:20:40.440
be careful. We've got to try as much as possible,

365
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as much as you're angry and as much as you

366
00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:44.480
really feel Josephvide and really letting them have it and

367
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really telling them what they've done as much as possible,

368
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taking your breath and checking your language and checking that

369
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you are using kind of non accusatory language, more stating

370
00:20:53.319 --> 00:20:58.720
the facts rather than delving into emotions and accusations. The

371
00:20:58.799 --> 00:21:02.720
other thing is, again, what is the ideal outcome like

372
00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:05.720
what would be the ideal scenario at the end of

373
00:21:05.720 --> 00:21:09.359
this Sometimes even if your relationship has completely broken down,

374
00:21:09.839 --> 00:21:12.640
if you never want to see this person again. Sometimes

375
00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:16.319
just you're expressing your perspective or how this behavior or

376
00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:20.640
whatever impacted you, then that can sometimes be useful. If

377
00:21:20.640 --> 00:21:23.240
you're talking to a person who is likely to take

378
00:21:23.279 --> 00:21:26.960
that on board, then potentially that that might have them

379
00:21:27.079 --> 00:21:31.039
consider their interactions with other people. So the benefit might

380
00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:34.279
not even be for you, particularly if it's a professional relationship,

381
00:21:34.480 --> 00:21:38.160
like sometimes it's giving that feedback so that hopefully they

382
00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:41.160
learn so that the next client or customer or whatever

383
00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:44.200
they're dealing with might think differently take that on board.

384
00:21:44.519 --> 00:21:47.680
You're only going to get that outcome if you remain

385
00:21:48.039 --> 00:21:51.640
pretty calm and measured and thoughtful and how you express yourself,

386
00:21:51.799 --> 00:21:54.799
Because if you come across as very ranty and a

387
00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:57.720
motive and accusatory and use a lot of that kind

388
00:21:57.759 --> 00:22:01.720
of language based on your position and your emotions, they're

389
00:22:01.720 --> 00:22:03.880
not going to hear that. People aren't going to hear that.

390
00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:07.279
People are going to go immediately into being defensive. So

391
00:22:07.319 --> 00:22:10.799
there's lots of reasons why as justified as you may

392
00:22:10.880 --> 00:22:14.079
be and as angry as you might be. That it

393
00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:17.880
can be really helpful to just yes, express yourself, but

394
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:21.400
be considered in how you express it, depending on the relationship,

395
00:22:21.440 --> 00:22:23.319
depending on the person, and depending on what the outcome

396
00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:26.240
is that you're looking to achieve. If all you want

397
00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:29.400
to do is just vent and rant and tell somebody

398
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:33.279
what an awful person they are, then you know, go

399
00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:35.200
for your life. But often that's not going to have

400
00:22:35.279 --> 00:22:38.000
any positive outcome. It might help you temporarily feel better,

401
00:22:38.319 --> 00:22:40.559
it's not likely to change another person's behavior or have

402
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:43.240
them consider or take on board anything that you have said.

403
00:22:43.319 --> 00:22:45.799
They're not likely to hear you without going into their

404
00:22:45.799 --> 00:22:51.519
own defensive justifications for their position and argue for their position. Now,

405
00:22:51.519 --> 00:22:54.240
the other thing that was coming up in this particular

406
00:22:54.240 --> 00:22:58.799
conversation was a lot of assumptions about I could send this,

407
00:22:58.920 --> 00:23:01.359
I could say this, you know, I could express myself.

408
00:23:01.480 --> 00:23:03.119
They're not going to listen. They're not going to take

409
00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:05.279
it on board. They're just going to double down. They're

410
00:23:05.279 --> 00:23:07.839
going to be defensive. And again, you've got to check

411
00:23:07.880 --> 00:23:10.720
your assumptions. You don't know that the only thing you

412
00:23:10.720 --> 00:23:15.160
have control over is yourself, your own actions, your intentions,

413
00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:19.160
and how you manage yourself, how you regulate yourself, and

414
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:22.200
how you regulate your not just your own emotions, but

415
00:23:22.359 --> 00:23:25.319
your behaviors. You don't know how the other person's going

416
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:28.279
to receive that, so expecting them to fall over themselves

417
00:23:28.319 --> 00:23:30.440
with an apology is a mistake. But also if you're

418
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:32.200
expecting that they're just going to shut the door in

419
00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:34.359
your face or tell you they're not going to have

420
00:23:34.400 --> 00:23:36.440
a bar of it, and that they're going to be defensive,

421
00:23:36.599 --> 00:23:38.799
that's not helpful either. That's making a whole lot of

422
00:23:38.839 --> 00:23:41.599
assumptions you don't know that's the case. And so if

423
00:23:41.640 --> 00:23:44.000
you choose your actions, if you decide what you're going

424
00:23:44.039 --> 00:23:46.440
to do about this based on a lot of assumptions,

425
00:23:46.519 --> 00:23:48.119
a lot of stuff that you don't know, then that's

426
00:23:48.119 --> 00:23:53.200
going to influence how you craft that, how you express yourself.

427
00:23:53.440 --> 00:23:56.319
So I think it's really so important to just let

428
00:23:56.400 --> 00:23:59.759
go of all of that, like go of any preconceived

429
00:23:59.799 --> 00:24:02.880
idea or assumptions that you might have about how they're

430
00:24:02.920 --> 00:24:06.240
going to respond, and really just come back to your

431
00:24:06.359 --> 00:24:11.960
own intentions, your experience, your perspective, why this matters, why

432
00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:15.720
it's important to you to express this, and what your

433
00:24:15.799 --> 00:24:19.799
objective is and When you're able to do that, then

434
00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:22.440
you don't have to be aggressive. You can be assertive,

435
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:24.440
you can make your decisions about whether you continue to

436
00:24:24.440 --> 00:24:27.640
see that person or not. But you have your voice heard,

437
00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:30.599
and that's important. I think that's really important. I think

438
00:24:30.759 --> 00:24:34.359
when we are so often will default to just shutting up,

439
00:24:34.559 --> 00:24:38.079
keeping the peace and then carrying that within us, like

440
00:24:38.400 --> 00:24:42.359
carrying that never really knowing what the outcome would have been.

441
00:24:42.440 --> 00:24:44.279
You can make a lot of assumptions about what would

442
00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:46.319
have happened if you spoke up for yourself, if you

443
00:24:46.359 --> 00:24:49.839
said something, but you don't actually know, and it's still unresolved,

444
00:24:49.880 --> 00:24:51.880
like you're still carrying it around with you and it's

445
00:24:51.880 --> 00:24:54.640
still living in you. And sometimes that leads to being

446
00:24:54.680 --> 00:24:58.599
passive aggressive, It leads to this underlying resentments. It leads

447
00:24:58.680 --> 00:25:04.400
to your frustration tolerance being lower, because the more you wear,

448
00:25:04.799 --> 00:25:08.960
the more that you tolerate these injustices and don't stand

449
00:25:09.000 --> 00:25:11.720
up for yourself, don't express yourself. The more worn down

450
00:25:11.759 --> 00:25:16.000
you become, the less patient, the less tolerant you become.

451
00:25:16.599 --> 00:25:18.440
And nobody wants that, and not to mention that you

452
00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:20.160
carried in your body, and it causes your stress. If

453
00:25:20.160 --> 00:25:22.839
you're carrying around unresolved anger in your body without expressing it.

454
00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:24.519
No matter how much you think that you're managing it

455
00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:27.519
and you're controlling it. If all you're doing is just

456
00:25:27.559 --> 00:25:30.440
suppressing it, it's living in your body and it is

457
00:25:30.480 --> 00:25:33.559
attacking you from the inside. So it is really important

458
00:25:33.559 --> 00:25:35.599
to find a way to get it out of you.

459
00:25:35.880 --> 00:25:38.000
But more than anything, I just think we need to

460
00:25:38.240 --> 00:25:42.039
start being more willing to speak up to not find

461
00:25:42.079 --> 00:25:44.759
all of the excuses or the reasons of the justifications

462
00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:47.640
why it's not worth it, why nothing would come of it.

463
00:25:48.119 --> 00:25:51.759
They wouldn't be willing to hear it, or just avoiding

464
00:25:51.759 --> 00:25:55.440
it because we are so unwilling to express how we

465
00:25:55.519 --> 00:26:00.119
really feel or to be perceived as difficult confrontation or

466
00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:04.759
hard work. Anger serves a useful purpose. It alerts us

467
00:26:04.920 --> 00:26:08.720
to an injustice or a danger or potential harm. And

468
00:26:09.279 --> 00:26:13.759
it is really important that we find ways to express

469
00:26:13.920 --> 00:26:17.680
our anger in a healthy way after we have done

470
00:26:17.880 --> 00:26:20.960
some work of sitting with our anger, just to check

471
00:26:21.160 --> 00:26:24.279
if it's really anger or if there is something more

472
00:26:24.359 --> 00:26:28.359
vulnerable underneath that maybe we need to tend to and

473
00:26:28.440 --> 00:26:32.039
give ourselves a little self compassion for and be a

474
00:26:32.039 --> 00:26:34.880
little honest about which is not to say that you

475
00:26:34.880 --> 00:26:37.480
can't still be angry, because anger will come in to

476
00:26:37.559 --> 00:26:41.519
protect against a vulnerability. But just before we go expressing

477
00:26:41.599 --> 00:26:45.799
the anger, we want to really be honest about whether

478
00:26:45.839 --> 00:26:49.680
we're just using anger as a shield against something more

479
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vulnerable that we're having trouble admitting to or acknowledging within ourselves.

480
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And again, you don't have to acknowledge it necessarily to

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another person, but it's really important that you acknowledge it

482
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within yourself. If you struggle with anger, if you struggle

483
00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:06.079
with assertiveness, then I really hope that there is something

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there that is useful for you. Journaling also is a

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really useful way to express yourself. If you don't like journaling,

486
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you can write a voice note, you can just talk

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to yourself, but I'd really encourage you to find ways

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to get it out of you. All Right, That is

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it for me. I hope that's helpful and I can't

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wait to catch you next week for another fabulous episode

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of Crappy to haveby Crappy to Happy is created and

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produced by me Cas Stun. If you enjoy the show,

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00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:32.839
please hit the follow button wherever you listen to ensure

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00:27:32.839 --> 00:27:35.079
you never miss an episode share with a friend to

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get me into the ears of more lovely listeners, and

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I would love for you to leave a five star

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rating and review. Thank you so much for being here

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and I cannot wait to catch you next week for

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another fabulous episode of Crappy to Happy