Transcript
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This is Crappita Happy and I am your host Castunn.
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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher
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and of course author of the Crappita Happy books. In
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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent
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people who are experts in their field and who have
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something of value to share that will help you feel
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less crappy and more happy. Hello and welcome to another
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solo episode of Crappita Happy. So lovely to have you here.
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I want to talk this week about friendship and in particular,
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what makes for a quality friendship. The reason I want
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to talk about this is because the quality of the
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connections in our lives are key, a crucial are in fact,
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the single most important factor in determining not only your
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happiness across your life span, but your health and even
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your longevity, like how long you live on this planet
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is directly connected to the quality of your social connections.
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Nobody is an island. As much as you might think
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that you are fine on your own, or you don't
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need a lot of people in your life, and maybe
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you don't need a lot of people in your life,
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but the quality of those people that you do have
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in your life makes all the difference. And also I
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think as we grow we live in these societies. I mean,
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look at me, I've left Australia, I'm living in London. Like,
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we are quite mobile, and we are often moving away
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from established connections, established friendship groups, family connections and needing
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to start again really and that can be really tricky.
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That can be really challenging starting over and making new
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friends and having those new connections. You know, we all
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meet people, and there are various ways that you can
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meet new people, but then moving those casual connections into
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something that is deeper and more meaningful and more lasting
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takes more effort. And then I guess it's just like,
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of all of the people in your life, who are
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the ones who are most likely to be the ones
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who are friends for life versus the ones that are
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for a season, And what are the ingredients of a
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relationship or a friendship that are going to contribute to
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that connection going the distance and really being an important
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relationship in your life regardless of where you go and
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where you move to. Because we all, you know, many
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of us also have people in our lives who we
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have moved away from and we can go years with
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no contact and then pick up where we left off
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with them. And so those kinds of really deep lasting
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connections that have stood the test of time and distance,
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how do we have more of those in our lives?
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So that's that's the topic for today. And I would
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like to point you right now to my third book
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in the Crappy A Happy series, which is called Crappita
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Happy Love who You're With, which is not a book
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about your marriage. It is actually about general advice about
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how to have more fulfilling relationships in your life, friends, family,
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in the workplace, everywhere. How do you have higher quality
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relationships generally? So you can probably still get that on Amazon.
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You can definitely listen to it on audible if you
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don't already have it in your collection. It's not going
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to be available for sale forever. I don't know what
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the stock situation is like. Came out a few years
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ago now, but it was actually something that I had
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included in that book, a chapter in that third book
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which I want to share with you now in case
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you haven't read it, And if you have read it
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and it's a while ago, this could be a timely
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reminder because sometimes I remind myself of these things too.
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I have so much information packed away in my brain
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and go, oh, that's right, I'd forgotten about that. Yeah,
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that's handy information. So refresher for me, refresher for you.
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So when it comes to now that we've established the
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importance of quality social connections, and beyond your intimate partner,
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if you are in a relationship, I'm talking about the
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wider sort of social circle that you move in and
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you'll have people who are you're quite close to and
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people that you're less close to. But when you're sorting
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through all of those various people in your life, like,
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what are the ingredients required for a high quality relationship?
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Shasta Nelson? I think I'm pronouncing that correctly as a
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woman who I don't know, but she apparently wrote some
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books about friendship in particular, and she wrote about these
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three ingredients of high quality friendships, and I thought this
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was so interesting and really easy, you know, like practical.
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I don't know what the science is behind it. There's
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probably no science behind it, but it's just from an
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intuitive perspective, Like you know, sometimes you hear a thing,
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you hear a theory, and you go like that makes
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sense I can see how that works. It just makes
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logical sense, and it's just an easy kind of a
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guide that you can use to almost audit your existing connection.
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So if something's feeling a bit off in one of
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your relationships, if there's somebody that you're kind of feeling
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a bit avoidant of, or somebody that you want to
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spend more time with, this might help you point to
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what it is about that person that either turns you
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off or brings you in closer. Just help to give
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you some idea about what's going on there and what's
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causing you to have that response to those people. Okay,
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so the first one, let's get straight to it. The
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first one is consistency. So Shasta talks about consistency being
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obviously frequency of contact. Now this makes perfect sense. If
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you think about the best friends that you've ever had.
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You have probably met in the workplace, or at school,
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or at UNI, or if you're a parent, maybe it's
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through your kid's school, your kid's daycare. It's this con
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consistency of interaction. And even if you've met somebody not
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through any of those places, and they's just somebody that
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you happen to come across through a mutual friend or
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a social circle or something. It is the consistency of
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the interaction that's going to help that relationship move from
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a casual acquaintance to something more deep and lasting. So
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consistency is key. I think that makes perfect sense. Now
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you might say, oh, I don't know about that, because
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you know some of my best friends, like I never
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see them, I haven't seen them for years, and they're
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still my best friends. I would argue that that is
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because those relationships have benefited from consistency earlier on. So
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they might be somebody that you worked with or that
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you went to school with, or that you had a
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very regular connection with that you saw frequently, communicated with frequently,
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and then you moved away and then there was distance.
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So once it was established that it was solid enough
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that you could probably move away and drop back on
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the consistency and you know that that friendship is there
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and available to you. But at some point there's got
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to be that consistency. We all know as well that
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you can work day in day out with a lot
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of people and you don't want to be best friends
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with all of them. So while there is consistency, and
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that is one key factor what is it about the
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ones that you choose to want to take maybe outside
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the workplace, or you want to invite them over for
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a barbecue on the weekend rather than just meeting them
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at the daycare drop off or whatever it is. And
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so the second one is positivity. We all gravitate to
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people who make us feel good. People who are kind,
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They laugh, they have a sense of humor, They make
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you feel good about yourself. There is just a general
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overall positive tone in your interactions. You enjoy your interactions
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with this person, clearly, I mean it makes sense, right
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if somebody doesn't make you feel good. If they're argumentative
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and they're grumpy, and they're always complaining, and they're always
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telling you about the worst thing that's just ever happened,
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or they're bringing up negative things in the new whatever
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it is, or they're a bit sarcastic or in soul,
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and it's not just about the content of what they're
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talking about, it's how you feel in their presence. Is
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it overall a positive interaction? So now we've got consistency
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and we've got positivity. The third ingredient is vulnerability. So
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do you feel comfortable enough to share things that are
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a bit more personal, a little bit beyond the superficial,
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as you start to share more of yourself, as you
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move from this casual acquaintance you know, occasionally catch up
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on the weekend, and you start to share more vulnerability,
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more things that are intimate and personal to you, and
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you establish trust in the relationship. You know that that
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person can hear you, can be there for you, and
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perhaps they start sharing with you things that are vulnerable,
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and there tends to be this back and forth as
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you slowly get to know each other better and you
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start sharing more intimately and you build this deeper sense
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of trust in the relationship, you move it beyond the
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superficial to something that is deeper than that is the
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third ingredient to a high quality friend. So now we've
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got consistency. Regular contact relationships need investment of time. They're
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not going to flourish if you never make the time
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to follow up with somebody, to spend time with somebody,
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or to message and communicate and check in and just
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keep that connection alive. Positivity overall, it's a positive, happy interaction.
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That's what we all want. And then do you feel
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comfortable enough to share? And so as you form new friendships.
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You will see hopefully that they move through these stages,
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you know, like you start to gradually become more intimate
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the more time you spend together. There are theories around
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about how many interactions or how many hours of communication
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are required for a friendship to go from casual acquaintance
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to friend to really close friend. There are people who
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have researched this, and it is really it does boil
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down to time spend. And again, they might be some
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exceptions to that where perhaps people are thrown together because
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of a really like a tragic circumstance brings people together,
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and there is an immediate connection and immediate bond that
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forms between people. Those things happen in life, and perhaps
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there hasn't been that consistency. They're immediately vulnerable with each
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other because they're coming across each other at their worst hour.
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You know, that's an exception obviously, but then you know,
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it would be interesting to see, well, how much do
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those connections sustain and remain beyond the immediate, that immediate
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kind of connecting event. You know, once things move on
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and people start to heal and recover from whatever it
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is that they've gone through, then do they last, and
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I think you would find that it needs those other
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ingredients beyond just that vulnerability. It needs to be maintained
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through the consistency and the positivity. If you think about
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people in your own life, you might notice that, oh, yeah,
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I see that person all the time, and it's always positive.
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We always have a really happy time. But it never
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really moves beneath the superficial. It never really gets vulnerable.
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So therefore that friendship is great, that person. I love
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to be around them, loads are fun, but I don't
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really feel deeply connected to them, you know, because that
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vulnerability is not there. Or it might be that you know,
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you might have a friend going through a hard time
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at the moment, and there's a lot of consistency, there's
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a lot of sharing, but it doesn't it's not very positive.
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You're constantly offering support, you're constantly propping them up. And
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this happens in friendships obviously, like we're not writing people
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off because they're going through a tough time. But it
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may be that if you're starting to feel depleted and
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drained by connection, it might be that it's it's just
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tends to never really be positive. There's always something negative
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there's always a drama or an issue or something deep
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to be discussed, something deep and vulnerable, and you just
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want a little bit of lighthearted and positive occasionally. So
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maybe what you really need is to be fined either
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shifting the dynamic of that relationship or making sure that
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you've got other people in your life and your world
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who are giving you that positivity as well to balance
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that out. It may be that there is positivity that
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you feel good around somebody, that you feel really comfortable
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to share with them, that you feel like there is
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a sense of trust there, that you're developing a level
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of personal intimacy, You feel really comfortable to talk to them,
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you enjoy their company, but there isn't the consistency. You're
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not making time for those people, and therefore maybe they're
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not going to be really well established. So you can
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kind of do a little audit of your own of
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the people in your life, and you know, kind of
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rate them against these three criteria. Now, obviously there's a
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whole lot more that goes into friendship. There's people who
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have spent their whole professional lives researching this stuff. I
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don't profess to be one of them. I'm just giving
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you one little theory that somebody came up with that
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I thought was kind of handy. But people have devoted
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academic careers to researching this stuff. But I think just
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some other kind of rules of thumb about friendships and relationships.
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Now that you understand that, and I've talked a lot
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to this point about looking for those ingredients in your connections.
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And I don't mean to make it sound like we're
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requiring other people to meet all of these needs of
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ours either, right, So in any relationship, we've got to