Aug. 19, 2024
Friendship Green Flags: How to have (and BE) a better friend.
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In this solo episode of Crappy to Happy, Cass discusses the importance of quality friendships and what makes them thrive. She highlights three key ingredients of high-quality friendships: consistency, positivity, and vulnerability. Cass emphasises the need for regular contact, positive interactions, and the ability to share personal and intimate experiences.She encourages listeners to assess their own friendships and take responsibility for their contribution to the relationship. Cass also emphasises the importance of opening our circles and making an effort to connect with new people. She concludes by sharing her own plan to reach out and invite someone new to an event.
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Transcript
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This is Crappita Happy and I am your host Castunn.
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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher
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and of course author of the Crappita Happy books. In
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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent
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people who are experts in their field and who have
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something of value to share that will help you feel
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less crappy and more happy. Hello and welcome to another
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solo episode of Crappita Happy. So lovely to have you here.
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I want to talk this week about friendship and in particular,
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what makes for a quality friendship. The reason I want
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to talk about this is because the quality of the
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connections in our lives are key, a crucial are in fact,
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the single most important factor in determining not only your
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happiness across your life span, but your health and even
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your longevity, like how long you live on this planet
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is directly connected to the quality of your social connections.
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Nobody is an island. As much as you might think
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that you are fine on your own, or you don't
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need a lot of people in your life, and maybe
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you don't need a lot of people in your life,
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but the quality of those people that you do have
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in your life makes all the difference. And also I
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think as we grow we live in these societies. I mean,
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look at me, I've left Australia, I'm living in London. Like,
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we are quite mobile, and we are often moving away
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from established connections, established friendship groups, family connections and needing
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to start again really and that can be really tricky.
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That can be really challenging starting over and making new
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friends and having those new connections. You know, we all
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meet people, and there are various ways that you can
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meet new people, but then moving those casual connections into
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something that is deeper and more meaningful and more lasting
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takes more effort. And then I guess it's just like,
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of all of the people in your life, who are
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the ones who are most likely to be the ones
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who are friends for life versus the ones that are
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for a season, And what are the ingredients of a
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relationship or a friendship that are going to contribute to
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that connection going the distance and really being an important
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relationship in your life regardless of where you go and
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where you move to. Because we all, you know, many
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of us also have people in our lives who we
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have moved away from and we can go years with
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no contact and then pick up where we left off
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with them. And so those kinds of really deep lasting
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connections that have stood the test of time and distance,
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how do we have more of those in our lives?
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So that's that's the topic for today. And I would
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like to point you right now to my third book
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in the Crappy A Happy series, which is called Crappita
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Happy Love who You're With, which is not a book
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about your marriage. It is actually about general advice about
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how to have more fulfilling relationships in your life, friends, family,
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in the workplace, everywhere. How do you have higher quality
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relationships generally? So you can probably still get that on Amazon.
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You can definitely listen to it on audible if you
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don't already have it in your collection. It's not going
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to be available for sale forever. I don't know what
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the stock situation is like. Came out a few years
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ago now, but it was actually something that I had
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included in that book, a chapter in that third book
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which I want to share with you now in case
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you haven't read it, And if you have read it
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and it's a while ago, this could be a timely
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reminder because sometimes I remind myself of these things too.
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I have so much information packed away in my brain
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and go, oh, that's right, I'd forgotten about that. Yeah,
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that's handy information. So refresher for me, refresher for you.
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So when it comes to now that we've established the
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importance of quality social connections, and beyond your intimate partner,
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if you are in a relationship, I'm talking about the
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wider sort of social circle that you move in and
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you'll have people who are you're quite close to and
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people that you're less close to. But when you're sorting
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through all of those various people in your life, like,
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what are the ingredients required for a high quality relationship?
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Shasta Nelson? I think I'm pronouncing that correctly as a
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woman who I don't know, but she apparently wrote some
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books about friendship in particular, and she wrote about these
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three ingredients of high quality friendships, and I thought this
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was so interesting and really easy, you know, like practical.
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I don't know what the science is behind it. There's
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probably no science behind it, but it's just from an
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intuitive perspective, Like you know, sometimes you hear a thing,
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you hear a theory, and you go like that makes
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sense I can see how that works. It just makes
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logical sense, and it's just an easy kind of a
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guide that you can use to almost audit your existing connection.
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So if something's feeling a bit off in one of
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your relationships, if there's somebody that you're kind of feeling
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a bit avoidant of, or somebody that you want to
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spend more time with, this might help you point to
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what it is about that person that either turns you
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off or brings you in closer. Just help to give
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you some idea about what's going on there and what's
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causing you to have that response to those people. Okay,
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so the first one, let's get straight to it. The
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first one is consistency. So Shasta talks about consistency being
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obviously frequency of contact. Now this makes perfect sense. If
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you think about the best friends that you've ever had.
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You have probably met in the workplace, or at school,
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or at UNI, or if you're a parent, maybe it's
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through your kid's school, your kid's daycare. It's this con
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consistency of interaction. And even if you've met somebody not
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through any of those places, and they's just somebody that
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you happen to come across through a mutual friend or
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a social circle or something. It is the consistency of
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the interaction that's going to help that relationship move from
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a casual acquaintance to something more deep and lasting. So
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consistency is key. I think that makes perfect sense. Now
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you might say, oh, I don't know about that, because
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you know some of my best friends, like I never
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see them, I haven't seen them for years, and they're
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still my best friends. I would argue that that is
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because those relationships have benefited from consistency earlier on. So
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they might be somebody that you worked with or that
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you went to school with, or that you had a
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very regular connection with that you saw frequently, communicated with frequently,
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and then you moved away and then there was distance.
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So once it was established that it was solid enough
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that you could probably move away and drop back on
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the consistency and you know that that friendship is there
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and available to you. But at some point there's got
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to be that consistency. We all know as well that
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you can work day in day out with a lot
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of people and you don't want to be best friends
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with all of them. So while there is consistency, and
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that is one key factor what is it about the
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ones that you choose to want to take maybe outside
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the workplace, or you want to invite them over for
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a barbecue on the weekend rather than just meeting them
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at the daycare drop off or whatever it is. And
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so the second one is positivity. We all gravitate to
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people who make us feel good. People who are kind,
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They laugh, they have a sense of humor, They make
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you feel good about yourself. There is just a general
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overall positive tone in your interactions. You enjoy your interactions
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with this person, clearly, I mean it makes sense, right
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if somebody doesn't make you feel good. If they're argumentative
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and they're grumpy, and they're always complaining, and they're always
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telling you about the worst thing that's just ever happened,
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or they're bringing up negative things in the new whatever
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it is, or they're a bit sarcastic or in soul,
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and it's not just about the content of what they're
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talking about, it's how you feel in their presence. Is
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it overall a positive interaction? So now we've got consistency
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and we've got positivity. The third ingredient is vulnerability. So
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do you feel comfortable enough to share things that are
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a bit more personal, a little bit beyond the superficial,
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as you start to share more of yourself, as you
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move from this casual acquaintance you know, occasionally catch up
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on the weekend, and you start to share more vulnerability,
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more things that are intimate and personal to you, and
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you establish trust in the relationship. You know that that
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person can hear you, can be there for you, and
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perhaps they start sharing with you things that are vulnerable,
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and there tends to be this back and forth as
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you slowly get to know each other better and you
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start sharing more intimately and you build this deeper sense
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of trust in the relationship, you move it beyond the
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superficial to something that is deeper than that is the
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third ingredient to a high quality friend. So now we've
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got consistency. Regular contact relationships need investment of time. They're
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not going to flourish if you never make the time
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to follow up with somebody, to spend time with somebody,
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or to message and communicate and check in and just
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keep that connection alive. Positivity overall, it's a positive, happy interaction.
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That's what we all want. And then do you feel
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comfortable enough to share? And so as you form new friendships.
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You will see hopefully that they move through these stages,
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you know, like you start to gradually become more intimate
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the more time you spend together. There are theories around
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about how many interactions or how many hours of communication
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are required for a friendship to go from casual acquaintance
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to friend to really close friend. There are people who
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have researched this, and it is really it does boil
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down to time spend. And again, they might be some
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exceptions to that where perhaps people are thrown together because
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of a really like a tragic circumstance brings people together,
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and there is an immediate connection and immediate bond that
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forms between people. Those things happen in life, and perhaps
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there hasn't been that consistency. They're immediately vulnerable with each
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other because they're coming across each other at their worst hour.
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You know, that's an exception obviously, but then you know,
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it would be interesting to see, well, how much do
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those connections sustain and remain beyond the immediate, that immediate
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kind of connecting event. You know, once things move on
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and people start to heal and recover from whatever it
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is that they've gone through, then do they last, and
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I think you would find that it needs those other
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ingredients beyond just that vulnerability. It needs to be maintained
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through the consistency and the positivity. If you think about
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people in your own life, you might notice that, oh, yeah,
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I see that person all the time, and it's always positive.
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We always have a really happy time. But it never
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really moves beneath the superficial. It never really gets vulnerable.
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So therefore that friendship is great, that person. I love
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to be around them, loads are fun, but I don't
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really feel deeply connected to them, you know, because that
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vulnerability is not there. Or it might be that you know,
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you might have a friend going through a hard time
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at the moment, and there's a lot of consistency, there's
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a lot of sharing, but it doesn't it's not very positive.
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You're constantly offering support, you're constantly propping them up. And
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this happens in friendships obviously, like we're not writing people
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off because they're going through a tough time. But it
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may be that if you're starting to feel depleted and
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drained by connection, it might be that it's it's just
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tends to never really be positive. There's always something negative
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there's always a drama or an issue or something deep
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to be discussed, something deep and vulnerable, and you just
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want a little bit of lighthearted and positive occasionally. So
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maybe what you really need is to be fined either
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shifting the dynamic of that relationship or making sure that
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you've got other people in your life and your world
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who are giving you that positivity as well to balance
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that out. It may be that there is positivity that
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you feel good around somebody, that you feel really comfortable
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to share with them, that you feel like there is
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a sense of trust there, that you're developing a level
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of personal intimacy, You feel really comfortable to talk to them,
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you enjoy their company, but there isn't the consistency. You're
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not making time for those people, and therefore maybe they're
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not going to be really well established. So you can
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kind of do a little audit of your own of
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the people in your life, and you know, kind of
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rate them against these three criteria. Now, obviously there's a
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whole lot more that goes into friendship. There's people who
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have spent their whole professional lives researching this stuff. I
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don't profess to be one of them. I'm just giving
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you one little theory that somebody came up with that
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I thought was kind of handy. But people have devoted
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academic careers to researching this stuff. But I think just
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some other kind of rules of thumb about friendships and relationships.
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Now that you understand that, and I've talked a lot
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to this point about looking for those ingredients in your connections.
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And I don't mean to make it sound like we're
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requiring other people to meet all of these needs of
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