Sept. 19, 2024
Full commitment but no attachment
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Cass explores the concept of being fully committed to goals while remaining unattached to the outcomes. She discusses the balance between giving your all and not letting the results define your self-worth. Through examples and personal insights, Cass emphasises the importance of understanding commitment, non-attachment, and the role of personal values in achieving true fulfilment. The conversation also touches on spiritual concepts of ego and essence, encouraging listeners to find peace in their journey towards their goals.Takeaways:
- It's possible to want something deeply while not needing it for your self-worth.
- Your character and values should define you, not your achievements or failures.
- Understanding what you can control helps in managing expectations and reducing anxiety.
- Surrendering control can lead to greater peace and acceptance of outcomes.
- Ego often leads to attachment and competition, while essence connects us to a greater purpose.
- Finding joy in the journey can paradoxically lead to greater success.
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Transcript
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This is Crappita Happy and I am your host, Cas Done.
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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher
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and of course author of the Crappita Happy books. In
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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent
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people who are experts in their field and who have
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something of value to share that will help you feel
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less crappy and more happy. Hello and welcome to another
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solo episode of Crappya Happy. This week's something that has
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been coming up a lot in my conversations with coaching
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clients and in my group coaching program as well, is
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this idea of being fully committed but not attached, so
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you know, for example, to a goal or to something
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that you want to achieve, being all in, one hundred percent,
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give it your best shot, work really hard to make
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a success of something, but being completely not attached to
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the outcome of your effort. Which everybody has really kind
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of drawn to that idea, like everybody loves that idea.
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But then there's this question of how do you do that,
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Like how do you go all in want something badly
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enough that you're prepared to go all in on making
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that a success? You know, really backing yourself, but at
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the same time not having the outcome of that pursuit
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or that endeavor or all of that effort and action
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define you, I guess, because no doubt, if you if
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it doesn't work out the way you want, it's human
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to be disappointed. That's not what we're talking about. But
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it's about not being completely flattened and not being completely
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attached to the outcome so much that it actually can
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potentially get in the way. So full commitment, no attachment.
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That is the idea that I want to talk with
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you about today, because it's been really resonating with people,
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and if an idea resonates with a couple of people,
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then I figure it's going to resonate with you. So
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this came up quite recently, and I've actually shared this
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interview with other people as well, with Jemima Montag who
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is the Australian Olympic race walker who gave one of
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the best post race interviews that some of us have
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ever heard. I mean, she's so articulate and what she
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said was really so profound, and I want to share
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it with you now because I think it really demonstrates
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this idea perfectly.
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Maima Montag. You are an Olympic bronze medalist. How does
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that sound?
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That's crazy. I had a lot of belief. I had
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a good feeling this last week. I felt significantly more
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pressure this year because in Tokyo there were no spectators.
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Today there were about thirty family in team gem T
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shirts yelling my name, and you want to do well
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for them because you know how excited they'll that. You
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want to show gratitude for the fifteen year journey. This
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has taken since Little athletics. But it's a careful balance
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of wanting that metal but not needing it. It's really
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a nuanced difference. So not needing it for your own
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self worth or feeling yeah that people love you, but
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wanting it saying yeah, like I'm willing to give this
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a crack and be tough and if it doesn't happen,
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the sun will rise tomorrow, but let's give it a go.
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Okay.
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So how good is that? Wanting it but not needing it.
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I think that just sums it up perfectly.
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What I love about.
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Jemima's statement was, you know, she really spoke to the
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additional pressure that she felt, not just wanting it for herself,
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but wanting it for all of these other people who
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have been supporting her, working alongside her, who have traveled
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to be there to watch her, like feeling the weight
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of that pressure as well to perform and to succeed
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for others, in addition to how badly she wanted that herself,
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and being able to reel that back in, I guess,
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and to be okay with whatever the outcome was, to
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know that all she could do is give it her
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best shot and if it doesn't work out, and if
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there's no metal, the sun will shine tomorrow, like it
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won't define her. So while everybody, I think agrees that
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that is beautiful and brilliant and what a perfect position
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that must be to be in to be able to
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give something you're all, but to be unattached, to be
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kind of unattached to the outcome. But I want to
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really unpack this because the next question everybody ask is, well,
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how do you do that? Like literally, how do you
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unhook from that needing to succeed, for needing it to
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work out when you and if you don't, if you're
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not attached to the outcome, then how do you motivate
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yourself to put in all of that effort and do
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the work. If you are not completely hooked on needing
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it to be a success, you know, like, how do
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you find that balance? Because if you don't care, then
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you you're not going to work hard to achieve it, right,
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So it is it's a really tricky balance. And the
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thing is, it's not about not caring. It's about not
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being defined by the outcome. So let's talk about this
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idea full commitment. I think we know what that means.
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That means like really being prepared to do whatever it
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takes to achieve whatever the thing is that you want
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to achieve. We're talking about maybe going back to school
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and getting a degree of some kind, achieving in your career,
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pursuing a goal, a fitness goal, a sporting goal, a
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financial goal. Maybe it is pursuing a relationship goal, wanting
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a really high quality relationship. It could be anything that
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you set out to achieve. Whatever you want to make
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a success of, setting up a business, running a business,
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writing a screenplay, getting a book published. I don't know,
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there's any number of things that you may want to
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work towards and achieve in your life. So it's about
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being willing to do the work, do whatever it takes
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to achieve that end. So that is full commitment, right,
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there's no we're closing the door on doubt, closing the
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door on being one foot in one foot out. Maybe
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I'll just give it a crack, maybe I'll have a try,
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but I'm not really that sure. I really want this.
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It's all in. It's one hundred percent in. So that's
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full commitment. And I think a lot of us, because
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of our attachment to the outcome, because of the amount
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of kind of ego and identification involved in needing something
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to be a success in order to feel okay, I
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think that leads to being one foot in and one
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foot out. It leads to not doing all of the
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work because many many people, this is what I've talked
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about in the past about self sabotage. There are many
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people who, at some level, if they're fully committed and
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fully invested and giving it one hundred percent and doing
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that work and it is not a success, the pain
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that they perceive will be attached to that. The how
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deflated and disappointed and dejected and what they've got wrapped
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up in that goal and the need for that to
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be a success is so great that pain is so scary,
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that potential pain, the risk associated with that is so
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scary that it leads to this kind of not being
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fully committed.
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I'm kind of a bit in, I'm a bit out.
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I'll have a try.
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You know, it's all this self sabotaging kind of behavior
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that goes on because that's what comes with being attached
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to the outcome. In a way, you kind of have
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to be unattached to the outcome in order to be
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fully committed. As weird and paradoxical as that sounds, does
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it make sense, Because yeah, if you are so identified
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with the outcome, needing to succeed at something, needing to
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get the outcome that you want, being so concerned with
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what people will think, how you will feel, what people
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might say, how it will look if you give something
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you're all and it fails like that concern is what
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leads people to not go all in. So we've gotta
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let go of our attachment to the outcome while still
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really wanting it to succeed in order to be fully committed.
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So when it comes to attachment, I mean, I guess
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I've kind of touched on it there, But you know
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this idea of non attachment is a very Buddhist concept,
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and it is being attached to things, Needing to be
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a particular way in order for you to be okay,
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being attached to Needing to have a certain circumstances in
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your life, Needing people to behave a particular way, Needing
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yourself to be a particular way. Needing to you know, appearances,
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public image, financial situation, Needing to be in the relationship
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to feel okay, Needing to have a certain amount of money,
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Needing to have the job, the career, the status, the title.
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Needing to be able to keep up appearances, for people
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to like you, for people to approve of you, for
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people to say you're doing a good job, to not
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be disappointing to people. All of that is attachment. It's
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attachment to needing things to be how they are, and
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it's either wanting them, wanting to change things in order
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to be how you would like them to be, or
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being very at to them staying the same if you
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like how things are. So the fundamental Buddhist teaching is impermanence,
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and that is that everything's changing, That wheel of fortune
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is going to keep on spinning, and you'll have your
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time and the sun, and you will have your time
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in the darkness. And so it's about being not attached
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to always needing to be in the light, always needing
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things to be going your way, you know, for things
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to be working out, for that relationship to sustain, for
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those people to stay in your life, to continue doing
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or achieving. I mean, I'm thinking at the moment even
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about aging, like this desire to retain our youth and
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our beauty and our youthful appearance and energy. But it
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also goes to attachment to our opinions, attachment to our views,
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attachment to needing to be right, you know. So the
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idea of non attachment is this like surrender. It's like
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letting go of all of that clinging and all of
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that needing and all of that grasping and all of
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that striving and all of that manipulating and managing and
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controlling circumstances in order for you to feel okay, in
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order for you to feel that all is okay with
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the world. So when it comes to goals, we talk
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about non attachment is this going all in, but the
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outcome whichever way it goes, not having any impact on
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your self worth not being crushed by defeat, also not
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being completely big headed and very egotistical, are believing that
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you are all that if things are going really well.
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That's the tricky thing about non attachment. A lot of
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people want to be very unattached to failure and rejection.
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They don't want to experience that pain, but they still
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quite like being very attached to the success and the
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praise and the positive feedback and validation and all of
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the accolades that can potentially come your way. So it's
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both right, you've got to be working towards being non attached. However,
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it goes knowing that who you are, what is important
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about you, is got nothing to do with whether that
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thing succeeds or fails. So that is kind of the
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outcome that we are working towards being really solid and
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comfortable in ourselves. In yourself knowing that your happiness, your
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self worth, your level of self confidence, self esteem, your
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sense of your own competence, capability, intelligence, talent, your value.
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It is not contingent on anything outside of you needing
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to be a particular way, not contingent upon that endeavor
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being a success, whether it's a success or a failure.
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It takes nothing away from who you are and how
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you feel about yourself. So if you are thinking about, well,
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that's great, how do I do that? Then my first
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suggestion is to suspend some time connecting to who you
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are that has got nothing to do with your achievements,
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your successes or your failures, or your academic qualify lotions
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or job title or status or financial status, or where
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you live, or literally anything to do with the circumstances
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of your life. These are the things, at the end
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of the day that you have control over, because at
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the end of the day, you don't have control over much.
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You have control over your effort, how much you commit
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to the actions that you take each day, and even
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then sometimes circumstances outside your control might impact that. But
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what you fundamentally have control over and what really defines
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you and what should define you, is who you are
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as a person, your core values, how you treat people,
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qualities like integrity, kindness, doing what you say you're going
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to do, being upfront, being honest with people, being respectful,
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treating people with dignity. Your character is what ultimately should
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define you. The choices that you make and the values
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that you express. These are the things that if the
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more that you can work towards identifying these things and
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these personal qualities and then not only acknowledging them, but
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also living your life in alignment with them, like that
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is what you have to hold on to. If everything
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in your life goes to shit, if everything that you
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tried to do was a monumental failure, then at the
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end of the day, all you can come back to
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is this your personal character, your values, your integrity. These
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are the things that people will remember you by at
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