Full commitment but no attachment

0:04 This is Crappita Happy and I am your host, Cas Done. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher and of course author of the Crappita Happy books. In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy. Hello and welcome to another solo episode of Crappya Happy. This week's something that has been coming up a lot in my conversations with coaching clients and in my group coaching program as well, is this idea of being fully committed but not attached, so you know, for example, to a goal or to something that you want to achieve, being all in, one hundred percent, give it your best shot, work really hard to make a success of something, but being completely not attached to the outcome of your effort. Which everybody has really kind of drawn to that idea, like everybody loves that idea.

1:16 But then there's this question of how do you do that, Like how do you go all in want something badly enough that you're prepared to go all in on making that a success? You know, really backing yourself, but at the same time not having the outcome of that pursuit or that endeavor or all of that effort and action define you, I guess, because no doubt, if you if it doesn't work out the way you want, it's human to be disappointed. That's not what we're talking about. But it's about not being completely flattened and not being completely attached to the outcome so much that it actually can potentially get in the way. So full commitment, no attachment.

1:57 That is the idea that I want to talk with you about today, because it's been really resonating with people, and if an idea resonates with a couple of people, then I figure it's going to resonate with you. So this came up quite recently, and I've actually shared this interview with other people as well, with Jemima Montag who is the Australian Olympic race walker who gave one of the best post race interviews that some of us have ever heard. I mean, she's so articulate and what she said was really so profound, and I want to share it with you now because I think it really demonstrates this idea perfectly.

2:38 Maima Montag. You are an Olympic bronze medalist. How does that sound? That's crazy. I had a lot of belief. I had a good feeling this last week. I felt significantly more pressure this year because in Tokyo there were no spectators. Today there were about thirty family in team gem T shirts yelling my name, and you want to do well for them because you know how excited they'll that. You want to show gratitude for the fifteen year journey. This has taken since Little athletics. But it's a careful balance of wanting that metal but not needing it. It's really a nuanced difference. So not needing it for your own self worth or feeling yeah that people love you, but wanting it saying yeah, like I'm willing to give this a crack and be tough and if it doesn't happen, the sun will rise tomorrow, but let's give it a go.

3:28 Okay. So how good is that? Wanting it but not needing it. I think that just sums it up perfectly. What I love about. Jemima's statement was, you know, she really spoke to the additional pressure that she felt, not just wanting it for herself, but wanting it for all of these other people who have been supporting her, working alongside her, who have traveled to be there to watch her, like feeling the weight of that pressure as well to perform and to succeed for others, in addition to how badly she wanted that herself, and being able to reel that back in, I guess, and to be okay with whatever the outcome was, to know that all she could do is give it her best shot and if it doesn't work out, and if there's no metal, the sun will shine tomorrow, like it won't define her. So while everybody, I think agrees that that is beautiful and brilliant and what a perfect position that must be to be in to be able to give something you're all, but to be unattached, to be kind of unattached to the outcome. But I want to really unpack this because the next question everybody ask is, well, how do you do that? Like literally, how do you unhook from that needing to succeed, for needing it to work out when you and if you don't, if you're not attached to the outcome, then how do you motivate yourself to put in all of that effort and do the work. If you are not completely hooked on needing it to be a success, you know, like, how do you find that balance? Because if you don't care, then

4:59 you you're not going to work hard to achieve it, right, So it is it's a really tricky balance. And the thing is, it's not about not caring. It's about not being defined by the outcome. So let's talk about this idea full commitment. I think we know what that means. That means like really being prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve whatever the thing is that you want to achieve. We're talking about maybe going back to school and getting a degree of some kind, achieving in your career, pursuing a goal, a fitness goal, a sporting goal, a financial goal. Maybe it is pursuing a relationship goal, wanting a really high quality relationship. It could be anything that you set out to achieve. Whatever you want to make a success of, setting up a business, running a business, writing a screenplay, getting a book published. I don't know, there's any number of things that you may want to work towards and achieve in your life. So it's about being willing to do the work, do whatever it takes to achieve that end. So that is full commitment, right, there's no we're closing the door on doubt, closing the door on being one foot in one foot out. Maybe I'll just give it a crack, maybe I'll have a try, but I'm not really that sure. I really want this.

6:04 It's all in. It's one hundred percent in. So that's full commitment. And I think a lot of us, because of our attachment to the outcome, because of the amount of kind of ego and identification involved in needing something to be a success in order to feel okay, I think that leads to being one foot in and one foot out. It leads to not doing all of the work because many many people, this is what I've talked about in the past about self sabotage. There are many people who, at some level, if they're fully committed and fully invested and giving it one hundred percent and doing that work and it is not a success, the pain that they perceive will be attached to that. The how deflated and disappointed and dejected and what they've got wrapped up in that goal and the need for that to be a success is so great that pain is so scary, that potential pain, the risk associated with that is so scary that it leads to this kind of not being fully committed.

7:09 I'm kind of a bit in, I'm a bit out. I'll have a try. You know, it's all this self sabotaging kind of behavior that goes on because that's what comes with being attached to the outcome. In a way, you kind of have to be unattached to the outcome in order to be fully committed. As weird and paradoxical as that sounds, does it make sense, Because yeah, if you are so identified with the outcome, needing to succeed at something, needing to get the outcome that you want, being so concerned with what people will think, how you will feel, what people might say, how it will look if you give something you're all and it fails like that concern is what leads people to not go all in. So we've gotta let go of our attachment to the outcome while still really wanting it to succeed in order to be fully committed.

8:02 So when it comes to attachment, I mean, I guess I've kind of touched on it there, But you know this idea of non attachment is a very Buddhist concept, and it is being attached to things, Needing to be a particular way in order for you to be okay, being attached to Needing to have a certain circumstances in your life, Needing people to behave a particular way, Needing yourself to be a particular way. Needing to you know, appearances, public image, financial situation, Needing to be in the relationship to feel okay, Needing to have a certain amount of money, Needing to have the job, the career, the status, the title. Needing to be able to keep up appearances, for people to like you, for people to approve of you, for people to say you're doing a good job, to not be disappointing to people. All of that is attachment. It's attachment to needing things to be how they are, and it's either wanting them, wanting to change things in order to be how you would like them to be, or being very at to them staying the same if you like how things are. So the fundamental Buddhist teaching is impermanence, and that is that everything's changing, That wheel of fortune is going to keep on spinning, and you'll have your time and the sun, and you will have your time in the darkness. And so it's about being not attached to always needing to be in the light, always needing things to be going your way, you know, for things to be working out, for that relationship to sustain, for those people to stay in your life, to continue doing or achieving. I mean, I'm thinking at the moment even about aging, like this desire to retain our youth and

9:37 our beauty and our youthful appearance and energy. But it also goes to attachment to our opinions, attachment to our views, attachment to needing to be right, you know. So the idea of non attachment is this like surrender. It's like letting go of all of that clinging and all of that needing and all of that grasping and all of that striving and all of that manipulating and managing and controlling circumstances in order for you to feel okay, in order for you to feel that all is okay with the world. So when it comes to goals, we talk about non attachment is this going all in, but the outcome whichever way it goes, not having any impact on your self worth not being crushed by defeat, also not being completely big headed and very egotistical, are believing that you are all that if things are going really well.

10:33 That's the tricky thing about non attachment. A lot of people want to be very unattached to failure and rejection. They don't want to experience that pain, but they still quite like being very attached to the success and the praise and the positive feedback and validation and all of the accolades that can potentially come your way. So it's both right, you've got to be working towards being non attached. However, it goes knowing that who you are, what is important about you, is got nothing to do with whether that thing succeeds or fails. So that is kind of the outcome that we are working towards being really solid and comfortable in ourselves. In yourself knowing that your happiness, your self worth, your level of self confidence, self esteem, your sense of your own competence, capability, intelligence, talent, your value.

11:28 It is not contingent on anything outside of you needing to be a particular way, not contingent upon that endeavor being a success, whether it's a success or a failure. It takes nothing away from who you are and how you feel about yourself. So if you are thinking about, well, that's great, how do I do that? Then my first suggestion is to suspend some time connecting to who you are that has got nothing to do with your achievements, your successes or your failures, or your academic qualify lotions or job title or status or financial status, or where you live, or literally anything to do with the circumstances of your life. These are the things, at the end of the day that you have control over, because at the end of the day, you don't have control over much.

12:17 You have control over your effort, how much you commit to the actions that you take each day, and even then sometimes circumstances outside your control might impact that. But what you fundamentally have control over and what really defines you and what should define you, is who you are as a person, your core values, how you treat people, qualities like integrity, kindness, doing what you say you're going to do, being upfront, being honest with people, being respectful, treating people with dignity. Your character is what ultimately should define you. The choices that you make and the values that you express. These are the things that if the more that you can work towards identifying these things and these personal qualities and then not only acknowledging them, but also living your life in alignment with them, like that is what you have to hold on to. If everything in your life goes to shit, if everything that you tried to do was a monumental failure, then at the end of the day, all you can come back to is this your personal character, your values, your integrity. These are the things that people will remember you by at the end of the day. We've all heard, you know, at your funeral, nobody's going to say, oh, I you know, look at how many flashy handbags she owned, and look at how many businesses she ran and how much money she made and any of that. You know, people remember you for your how you treated them, and for your personal qualities. The other thing, like I said, is kind

13:49 of coming back to this idea of what you can control and what you can't. And I think that's key to to this idea of non attachment. Knowing what you can influence is your fit, your level of effort, your level of engagement, your level of commitment, the actions that you take, whatever measures you put in place, the training that you do for the Olympic race event. You know, you can manage all that, but there is so much that you have no control over, and it's about letting go of all of that. And it's this idea of surrender. It's that very Buddhist concept of surrender. Just surrender and trust that you've done all that you can do and let it go and trust that whatever happens will happen.

14:31 The sun will rise again tomorrow. If I'm starting a business, I can manage the quality of. The products that I sell. I can manage the pricing that I said, how I communicate it, my sales and marketing strategy, all of those things. I can't, at the end of the day, convince somebody else to buy something that they don't want or need. Like other people's choices, other people's behavior is out of my control. I can only control what I can control. So that's a really useful thing to come back to. There's kind of piece that you know, like when you stop trying to micromanage everything else and get up in your head and answer and stress about a whole lot of stuff that is out of your control, Like that is just a recipe for anxiety and overwhelm. So we don't want to live too much in that place. We don't want to live there at all if we can help it. We want to always be coming back to what can I affect, what can I influence? What do I have control over? And then let go of the rest and trust and then finally, I guess you know, this is a bit of a Buddhist concept, and well, I guess a bit of a spiritual concept, which will appeal to some of you, but you know others will You know, you can take it or leave it.

15:37 But it's this echo. Toll talks about the distinction between essence and ego, and so this is about like understanding that there is a part of you. If this is your belief, it's like your soul. I guess you know. Your essence is the part of you that is pure awareness. It is not connected to the material world. Really, it's this kind of universal energy that runs through all of us. It's love and light. I guess to be a bit woo woo, But you know, our ego is this human state that is it's the part of us that's very attached to opinions and appearances, and you know, public image and all of that kind of stuff. It's our ego that gets us into arguments. It's our ego that gets annoyed about things.

16:21 Ego kind of divides up the world and success and happiness and love and money and all of those things. It's like there's a big pie chart, and if somebody else has got too much, it feels like there's not going to be enough left for us. You know. It's that kind of scarcity and greed and competitiveness, and you know, all of that is very egoic, and so you know, a lot of spiritual teachings focus on letting go of the ego and connecting more with your essence, your pure essence, which is this quality of love, I guess, but it's also this quality of just connection, the interconnectedness of all of us. Recognizing that there's a part of us that is greater than our physical bodies and our jobs and our bank accounts and houses and relationships and all of that day to day stuff that we get bogged down in. There's a part of us that transcends all of that, and it's that part of us that can step back and witness what is going on in our life and in our mind and the stories we tell ourselves. And it's this part of us that that knows that the universe is infinite, there's enough for everybody, there's no pie to be divided up. And we don't all walk around the world like you know, floating down the street being pure energy. We have to live our lives here. We have to go to work and have jobs, to pay the bills. Like that's our human existence. But it is just you know, occasionally just tapping in and remembering, especially when you know that you're getting, you know, kind of connected to that needing to succeed, needing to win, needing to be right. If you are a person who

17:52 has some spiritual beliefs, you know, connecting with the idea that the truth of you, the true nature of you, the truth of who you are is, is not this egoic human fighting for their job promotion or their pay rise or to win this argument. The truth of you is beyond that. It transcends all of that. But Eckert told you know, he talks about that quite a lot, this idea of ego versus essence. So however you relate to that, if you've got spiritual beliefs and by the way loads of research that says that the people with spiritual beliefs have the best mental health, much less likely to be at risk of depression and other mental health disorders. So uh, I, you know, if you've got spiritual beliefs and go you. But however that makes sense for you just you know, just tapping into just remembering that you know, all of this will will, All of this is temporary.

18:39 It's all a bit of an illusion. And if that helps you to kind of unhook from some of these scarcity fear mindset that can sometimes kick in this attachment to outcomes, then then use it. Anyway. So that's I hope that's helpful. I hope that that has resonated with you and whatever it is working towards that that might help you to continue to work hard towards your goals, but with a little bit more peace of mind, a little bit less angst about what might happen if it doesn't succeed, And paradoxically, when you do that, then you probably find that you're much more likely to succeed. So win, win win. Okay, you guys, thank you so much for being here. As usual, got a great interview coming out for.

19:24 You next week. You will love it. It's all about dopamine in our brain. And until next time, come and connect with me instagram cast on Underscore XO or Crapy to Happy Pod and I can't wait to catch you on the next episode of Crappy to Happy