Jan. 9, 2023

How Alison Brahe Daddo found her self confidence

How Alison Brahe Daddo found her self confidence
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How Alison Brahe Daddo found her self confidence
How Alison Brahe Daddo found her self confidence
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Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon Castro podcast player icon PocketCasts podcast player icon Podchaser podcast player icon
Season 9 Self-Confidence Personal Growth & Healing

In this episode, Cass is joined by Alison Brahe Daddo, a screenwriter, podcaster, teacher and former model who appeared regularly on the cover of Cosmopolitan, Dolly and Cleo magazines in the '90s. She's now written a book called 'Queen Menopause' which is a frank and compassionate companion to any woman experiencing menopause. Ali reflects on her career, her experience with sexual assault, and how mothering her daughters is a completely different ballgame to mothering her son.Connect with Ali: https://www.instagram.com/alidaddo
Connect with Cass:www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com 
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Transcript
WEBVTT

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A listener production.

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This is Crappita Happy and I am your host, Cas Dunn.

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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher

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and of course, author of the Crappita Happy books. In

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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent

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people who are experts in their field and who have

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something of value to share that will help you feel

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less crappy and more happy. In today's episode, I'm talking

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to Allison bray Dado. Alli is a screenwriter, podcaster, teacher,

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and a former model who appeared very regularly on the

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cover of Cosmo, Dolly and Clear magazines back in the nineties.

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She was my hero and my inspiration. If you are

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around my age, I'm sure you will know who Allie is.

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Once a household name, she was much loved nationally, and

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she grew up alongside a generation of Ossie's. Allie has

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now written a book called Queen Menopause, which is a

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frank and compassionate companion to any woman experiencing menopause, as

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we all will eventually. In this episode, Allie reflects on

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her career, her experience with sexual assault. We talk a

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little about her confidence when she was younger, and how

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she eventually found more self confidence, and how mothering daughters

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is a completely different ballgame to mothering her son. Allie

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has led such a full life, She has so much

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wisdom to share, and she is very confident that her

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post menopausal years are set to be the best years

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of her life. I really think you'll enjoy my conversation

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with Ali Allie Daddo. Welcome to the Crappy to Happy Podcast.

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Thank you for having me.

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Happy to be here.

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I will join a long line of fifty something year

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old women I'm fifty this year who absolutely idolized you

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as a teenager. I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times.

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You were up in my bedroom wall. You married Cameron

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Datto like you were every girl's teenage dream and inspiration.

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Were you kind of aware of that at the time as.

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A young woman, not in the slightest. I mean I

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sort of became a bit more aware of it when

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I met Cam, and I remember my modeling agency calling

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me up and said, just so you know, the papers

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have found out about you and Cameron Daddo. You know

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there's going to be a lot of interest around this,

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and you might get some press or some unwanted press

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in the sense of articles and what have you've written,

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And I was just I remember going wow, because I

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knew he was famous, but I really didn't consider myself famous.

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I mean I clearly I'd done some things, and you know,

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I'd signed some autographs and stuff like that, but I

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was never in the big leagues in my mind. I

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mean to always say this that I look at someone

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like Elle McPherson and those supermodels, you know, the Christy

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Turlington's of the world, and to me, I was a

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very small fish in that pond. But it's it's only

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since you know, in the last few years of coming

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back to Australia where that lovely age group of women

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which you are in tell me, oh, yeah, you know,

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I had you on my wall and you know, so

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I was. I was that real teenage girl pin up

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which is really sweet, really really sweet.

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So yeah you were, and then you disappeared, like you

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disappeared off to La with Cam and so many of us.

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I know, I was not the only one. We're so

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excited when you came back.

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It was like fair back.

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You two are like the Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt.

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I think for Australia like you were that couple, but

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we stayed together.

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Thank god there wasn't an Angeline and.

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Yes, yea, yeah, yeah yeah yeah no no Angelina and

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your story.

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Yeah no, we were very happy to be back now.

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Ali. I have read your book, absolutely loved it.

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It was really interesting to go back and read about

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your experience as being a young model.

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But you were very young. You were sixteen seventeen years

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old in.

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A very adult world, dealing with situations that really you

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probably shouldn't have been in. And you tell a story

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in the book about what was actually quite a traumatic

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experience that you had while you were on a modeling

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assignment in Japan, which had a lasting impact on you.

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I wonder if you would mind sharing that story for

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our listeners.

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Yeah. It was my first time traveling and really living

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and working somewhere, certainly as a young model. So I

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had a two month contract and it was very Japan

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was really for the Australian models. It was where you

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could go earn a lot of money in those two

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months and then you'd come back and you could do

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that as many times as they take you. So I'd

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only been modeling. Oh my gosh, it was really soon

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after I started, maybe two three months, when that agency

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said would you like to come over? And so my

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agency was like, do you want to do it? And

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I was like, sure, yeah, I'll do it. And I

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was so naive. I really had no idea. I mean,

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I think back now, I was like, what the hell

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was I thinking to do that?

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Will you maybe seventeen or something like that.

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I may have just turned seventeen. I think I had

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just turned And the fact that my mum and dad

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let me go, I wonder about that too. My dad

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really regrets it now, of course. But again it's just

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a very isolating, lonely experience. I didn't know anyone. I

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was in this sort of model barracks as they as

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I call it, which was just this building with studio

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apartments in it. It was like a bed and a

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kitchenette and that was it. And I was working three

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jobs a day, often every single day, week after week,

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and I kept on meeting this lovely English model. We

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sort of hit it off and she said you want

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to come to a party, and I was like sure,

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So off we went to this party and we were

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just hadn't been there long at all, and I was

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sitting on the couch and these two guys just came

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straight up to me, picked me up, shoved me in

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a cupboard which was in the middle of the party,

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and started groping, kissing, hands up the shirts, hand down

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the pants, and I was screaming and yelling and screaming

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and yelling and no one, It's like, no one could

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hear me, No one was listening until this one guy,

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another model, American model, came over and pulled the guys

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off and said, get off her. You know what are

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you doing? Get off her. So he came to save me,

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and I was just an utter shock, as was my girlfriend.

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He just said, you want me to take you home?

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And I said, yeah, I do. I want to go home.

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To get home, we had to take public transport and

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do a bit of walking. So we talked and talked,

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and he was really lovely and he was a boxer,

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professional boxer. And he got me back to my apartment

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and then said, you know, he wanted to come in,

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and I was like no, and he said, yeah, I'm

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going to come in. And so once he was inside,

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it was clear what he wanted to do. And I

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was saying no, no, no, no, no, no, but he

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raped me anyway. You know, as I've say in the book,

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I let it happen because he was a very strong fellow.

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He let it happen. I just let that happen. And

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then after he left, I packed that experience and packed

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it away as hard as I possibly could, for as

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long as I possibly could. But obviously it made a

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massive impact on me, which I didn't understand at the

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time how much of an impact it made.

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Yeah, how did it impact you? In hindsight?

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It made me scared of a lot of things. It

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made me quite scared of men in a lot of ways.

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It made me frightened to be in my own sexuality,

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to be in my own skin in a lot of ways.

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It made me scared to draw attention to myself. And

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then hit there I was as a model, So that

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was part of that dichotomy with modeling, where I loved it,

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but it was scary, like, oh my god, someone's recognized me,

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or someone's seen me, or am I now going to

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be injured in some way, shape or form. And it

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set up this challenge with anything sensual for me, like

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it was to be sexy was dangerous. That is not

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something that you want to be And again I didn't

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understand that that was how I was feeling as well.

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It was really weird though. Just last week I was

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in Melbourne by myself, and I think this is another

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connection to that trauma. I was in Melbourne by myself.

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There was this day and I was walking around on

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my own and I started feeling really young and terrified,

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and I just was having all these flashes of Japan

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and I was like, oh, my gosh, that's still part

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of that trauma that you perhaps haven't worked through. I've

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done a lot of therapy. All of a sudden, I

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was like, this does not feel good being on my

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own in a place that's not my home. So I

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was like, dang, I think that's connected to that as well,

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you know.

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Yeah, And it just it stays in you, doesn't it,

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And then it can resurface it.

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But the most.

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Random things, yeah, can trigger that. I was talking to

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some people I've been running some workshops and talking a

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lot lately about trauma as well, and talking about how

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so much of our experience and so much of what

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gets triggered us is it comes from our nervous system,

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like it doesn't even come from our conscious brain.

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There is something internally.

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Buried in the deepest recesses of our brain, some fragment

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or flicker or a smell like you said, or something

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that reminds us of something trigger something in our nervous system,

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which then causes our body to react. And so we

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so often try to make sense of these things with

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our rational thinking mind.

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Yeah, and it just doesn't work.

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You've got to just deal with that at that nervous

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system level before that.

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Is, you know, and there might always be something that

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brings it up.

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It just becomes how do you manage that and acknowledge

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that with compassion and you know, with some self kindness,

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because I think then what people in my experience can

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tend to do is get really like, oh.

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My god, I thought I was over that. I dealt

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with that. Why am I still carrying on like this?

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I should be over this by now.

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Yeah, And it's just not It's just not good or healthy.

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You know, We've got to be kind to ourselves. So

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and Ali, you didn't talk about that for a long time.

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Eventually you did. I was just going to ask you,

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how did you eventually kind of recover from that? And

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now you've just gone on to tell me, well, maybe

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there is a part of you that you know still

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hasn't fully but generally speaking in terms of those effects

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that you noticed, and how you your sense of feeling

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safe in the world, in intimate relationships, et cetera, Like,

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how did you eventually recover from that?

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It was another ten ten to twelve years later that

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I actually finally spoke it out loud. It's a long

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time to keep that a secret, and it was with

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a therapist, and I don't even know why I said it.

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It was I think, well, also because I had held

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it in this very odd place that I still held

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it as it was my fault, because my idea of

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rape is when you fight, you're fighting someone off, like

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that's sort of the movie version of rape, and it

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is rape as well, and it's what a lot of

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women experience to that violent rape. And it wasn't violent

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in the sense because I just let it happen. So

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I was like, oh, it was my fault. I also

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mentioned in the book that those two guys who picked

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me up from the couch, which was the onset of that,

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was a sexual assault anyway, and they actually said, you

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asked for it, you know, and we'll look at what

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you wear and you asked for it, which, as I mentioned,

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I was wearing a pair of jeans, a long sleeved

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black T shirt that was slightly cropped. That's what I

231
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was wearing, and a pair of black loafers like vivid

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as Day. I know exactly what I was wearing. That

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was sort of another thing to think that somehow I

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had caused that to happen, and that I was on

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my own. I shouldn't have gone to the party, or

236
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that all the what I shouldn't have done. So it

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wasn't until I spoke it out loud that the therapist said,

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you were so brave and you did exactly what you

239
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needed to do in order to survive that situation. She said,

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imagine what could have happened to you if you had

241
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a fought back. And it wasn't until she said that

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that was the first step in healing to go wasn't

243
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my fault. What I actually did was I saved myself

244
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from perhaps being really brutalized. There was tears, There was

245
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you know, there was a lot of exploring it. There

246
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was a lot of working through the effects of that,

247
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how it had affected me. You know, in the present

248
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moment how it played itself out with other relationships. The

249
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next step was talking to Cam about it, you know,

250
00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.639
so he could understand me a little better. I did

251
00:13:24.679 --> 00:13:27.279
tell my mom and dad, so that was another step.

252
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Gosh, how is that?

253
00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:29.159
Yeah?

254
00:13:29.240 --> 00:13:31.720
You know, it was actually really hard for my dad

255
00:13:31.840 --> 00:13:35.000
because it was at step two separate occasions. And my

256
00:13:35.159 --> 00:13:40.559
dad was a magistrate, So for him, you know, thinking

257
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that his daughter, you know, his youngest daughter, had gone

258
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through something like that and he's someone that you know,

259
00:13:45.960 --> 00:13:49.919
would prosecute people like that, was was really hard for him.

260
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So it was certainly shocking, for sure. But the more

261
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I spoke about it in a lot of ways, and

262
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this is why you know, we all you know, as

263
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you know, with the the Me Too movement is having

264
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women getting to hear their voices, to get to have

265
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their story told. That something that they've kept in the closet,

266
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under the bed, in a box, you know, in a

267
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shameful place, that you put words to it, and then

268
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you're here, you know how common it is, which is unfortunate,

269
00:14:18.279 --> 00:14:22.000
but how many women do have stories the same It was, Yeah,

270
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it was putting a voice to it, getting angry and

271
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removing the blame from myself was that was the biggest

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healer for me, was knowing that I had nothing to

273
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do with what happened to me. And I really appreciate

274
00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:37.639
you sharing that because I think it is so helpful

275
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to other women who have been through similar experiences. And

276
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exactly as you say, well, I didn't fight, like I

277
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just kind of let it happen, But in actual fact,

278
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what else could you do in that moment?

279
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:53.080
And so that doesn't make it your fault? How has

280
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that impacted because you've got daughters, right, Alie as well? Yeah, Lag,

281
00:14:56.480 --> 00:15:00.919
I have a sixteen year old daughter. She's the most trusting, friendly,

282
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Like she's an only child, so I think she's possibly

283
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a little sheltered, not very street wise either. We've just

284
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moved to London, so we're in a foreign country. She's

285
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meeting all of these friends, sixteen seventeen year olds, and

286
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you know, she just wants to recreate that whole you know,

287
00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:17.799
her group of friends that she had in Australia.

288
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How do you kind of warn.

289
00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:24.159
Your kids, I'm the psychologist you're asking you kind of

290
00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:27.000
warn your kids about the potential dangers in the world

291
00:15:27.519 --> 00:15:31.440
without putting fear into them, Like that's the constant battle

292
00:15:31.480 --> 00:15:35.039
that I have. How have you navigated that having had

293
00:15:35.039 --> 00:15:36.080
that experience yourself.

294
00:15:36.200 --> 00:15:38.919
And here's what makes me so angry about that question

295
00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:41.960
is that because I have a son as well, and

296
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I have had to have the conversations that I have

297
00:15:45.039 --> 00:15:47.559
with my daughters are completely different to what I have

298
00:15:47.639 --> 00:15:51.360
to have with my son. And that kisses me off

299
00:15:52.039 --> 00:15:54.879
because you know, I have a sixteen year old as well,

300
00:15:54.919 --> 00:15:58.240
that's my youngest. My eldest is twenty six. And she

301
00:15:58.840 --> 00:16:01.000
was going to a concert and she was going to

302
00:16:01.039 --> 00:16:02.639
the other night, and she was going to be in

303
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:06.440
the mosh pit, and we had to figure out what

304
00:16:06.679 --> 00:16:09.039
she was going to wear to be safe in that

305
00:16:09.200 --> 00:16:12.679
wash pit. I don't have to have that conversation with

306
00:16:12.759 --> 00:16:15.120
my son. I've never had to have that conversation with

307
00:16:15.159 --> 00:16:17.919
my son. No, And I said to her, I'm so sorry,

308
00:16:18.120 --> 00:16:20.879
I'm so sorry that we have to figure out how

309
00:16:20.960 --> 00:16:23.799
you can be safe in making sure that what you're

310
00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:26.960
wearing is not going to get you groped. Like it's

311
00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:28.799
just awful.

312
00:16:28.679 --> 00:16:31.399
Infuriating because she should be able to wear whatever she likes, right,

313
00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:34.679
Like I have the same thoughts. I have those same conversations,

314
00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:37.039
and then I am checking myself saying what message are

315
00:16:37.080 --> 00:16:39.159
my sending? Am I telling her not to you know,

316
00:16:39.279 --> 00:16:40.919
if by telling her not to wear that, am I

317
00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:44.200
somehow implying that if something happens, that's her faultful, you

318
00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:49.679
know what I mean? It's that, Yes, it's that conundrum.

319
00:16:49.080 --> 00:16:51.519
Absolutely, And you can't get a hold of the men

320
00:16:51.559 --> 00:16:54.080
and the young the young men around her to say,

321
00:16:54.120 --> 00:16:58.240
don't you dare touch my child? So how do you go?

322
00:16:58.519 --> 00:17:01.720
Have fun, sweetheart, but just be really careful and don't

323
00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:03.559
you know, make sure you go to the bathroom of

324
00:17:03.639 --> 00:17:06.279
someone and you know, make sure anything that you drink

325
00:17:06.359 --> 00:17:07.920
is it left on the ground and someone puts something

326
00:17:07.960 --> 00:17:09.920
in your drink. I mean it's like, oh my god.

327
00:17:10.599 --> 00:17:15.680
So yeah, it's really finding a good balance. Look, it's

328
00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:21.160
I must say, having moved from LA to Australia, there's

329
00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:24.599
a sense of safety. Not that, of course, that she

330
00:17:24.799 --> 00:17:27.240
is one hundred percent safe anywhere in the world, but

331
00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:29.519
it's a lot better here than it was in LA,

332
00:17:29.720 --> 00:17:31.799
that's for sure. At least we're not dealing with is

333
00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:33.960
she going to get shot if she goes somewhere, And

334
00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:36.759
it's just so much more with girls with young girls.

335
00:17:36.799 --> 00:17:40.400
But it's that constant, like fine line, it's so true

336
00:17:40.440 --> 00:17:44.480
of like, yes, honey, she's such an independent kid anyway though,

337
00:17:44.519 --> 00:17:46.960
I even no matter what I said, no matter how

338
00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:50.519
I said it, that kid would be out partying anyway.

339
00:17:50.880 --> 00:17:53.559
She's just like ready to eat the world. Like she's

340
00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:56.279
just that's the way she is. And my eldest, you know,

341
00:17:56.440 --> 00:17:59.079
she actually grew up. She's got it. She's quite an

342
00:17:59.079 --> 00:18:03.240
anxious kid anyway, So she's now only just discovering that

343
00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:05.240
there's a bigger world out there for her to sort

344
00:18:05.240 --> 00:18:08.640
of try. And you know, sample because she's been very

345
00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:11.200
afraid of a lot of things. And I think that

346
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:15.240
that was me as a mum, being a firstborn, that

347
00:18:15.319 --> 00:18:18.240
I sort of very much kept her. I was more

348
00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:20.440
nervous as a mum and oh, you can't do that,

349
00:18:20.519 --> 00:18:23.480
you can't do this. And you know, by the third child,

350
00:18:24.960 --> 00:18:27.119
she's just like, yeah, I can do that. I can.

351
00:18:27.319 --> 00:18:29.640
You know, we always say even at the age of two,

352
00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:31.799
we were like with body, my younger, she's like, this

353
00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:33.839
will be the kid that'll be jumping out of an

354
00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:37.799
airplane naked in the Amazon jungle for fun. It's great fun. Mom,

355
00:18:37.920 --> 00:18:38.920
thought I'd give it a whirl.

356
00:18:39.119 --> 00:18:40.880
I only ever had the one child, so I never

357
00:18:40.920 --> 00:18:44.359
got to that relaxed mom stage. I'm still a nervous mind.

358
00:18:44.480 --> 00:18:47.079
I know, I understand it. I can see it in

359
00:18:47.119 --> 00:18:49.440
your face when you talk about her. It's like, yeah,

360
00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:52.960
I get it. I get it. God so hard.

361
00:18:52.839 --> 00:18:56.680
Coming to you have lived such a big, interesting life, Like,

362
00:18:56.680 --> 00:18:58.599
whether you realize it or not, that you have lived

363
00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:01.759
such a you know, I've had so many great experiences.

364
00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:06.039
You've just written a book where you have talked about

365
00:19:06.039 --> 00:19:08.559
a lot of these experiences, and the book is called

366
00:19:08.680 --> 00:19:12.880
Queen Menopause, And obviously, like that's the time.

367
00:19:12.759 --> 00:19:13.599
Of life that we're all in.

368
00:19:13.640 --> 00:19:16.279
But I'm really curious to know, like why menopause, Like

369
00:19:16.319 --> 00:19:19.279
what is it about this time of life that kind

370
00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:22.400
of prompted this book and this sharing and this you know,

371
00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:23.759
talking about your experience.

372
00:19:23.920 --> 00:19:31.440
Yeah, I just I just was in so much shock

373
00:19:32.039 --> 00:19:38.119
about menopause and all the symptoms and why I had

374
00:19:38.160 --> 00:19:40.519
never heard about it, Why my mam had never shared

375
00:19:40.519 --> 00:19:42.720
about it, My two sisters had never shared about it.

376
00:19:42.759 --> 00:19:46.400
All my friends in LA who were much older than me,

377
00:19:46.519 --> 00:19:51.279
never shared about it. And I was so challenged by it.

378
00:19:51.519 --> 00:19:56.119
I was so I was having such a horrible time

379
00:19:56.319 --> 00:19:59.039
and I just was like, wait, hang on, what do

380
00:19:59.119 --> 00:20:03.160
you mean this is my life right now that I've

381
00:20:03.160 --> 00:20:08.319
tripled in size. I can't sleep, my mood swings are horrific,

382
00:20:08.759 --> 00:20:11.720
libido's gone, my skin's all dry. Like it was just like,

383
00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:13.039
wait up, hold on.

384
00:20:13.519 --> 00:20:15.799
I'm just going tick tick tick as you say, all

385
00:20:15.799 --> 00:20:18.799
those things are going yet yeah check check exactly.

386
00:20:20.200 --> 00:20:22.079
And I just was like, this is not cool.

387
00:20:22.319 --> 00:20:23.279
This is not cool.

388
00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:25.319
We need to be talking about this, We need to

389
00:20:25.319 --> 00:20:27.359
be sharing our stories, and we need to know what

390
00:20:27.480 --> 00:20:29.519
help is there out there, you know, because I always

391
00:20:29.559 --> 00:20:34.400
say when you google menopause, it is just it is awful,

392
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:38.480
Like it's the most depressing subject if you google it.

393
00:20:39.039 --> 00:20:43.839
But and as I kept writing and talking to more

394
00:20:43.880 --> 00:20:48.640
women and talking to women who are postmenopausal and hearing

395
00:20:48.680 --> 00:20:52.720
about how fabulous their life was, and so many times

396
00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:54.759
it was like, this is the best time of my life.

397
00:20:54.799 --> 00:20:58.799
I'm now fifty five or sixty sixty two, and I've

398
00:20:58.880 --> 00:21:02.279
never felt better, felt healthier, I don't give a fuck

399
00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:06.480
about anything. And I was just like, this is what

400
00:21:06.519 --> 00:21:09.200
we actually really need to hear. We need to hear

401
00:21:09.279 --> 00:21:12.119
about this side so we know what's coming that's good

402
00:21:12.400 --> 00:21:15.640
and we can use that as our rope to climb

403
00:21:15.759 --> 00:21:18.519
up to to go. This is okay, we're just in

404
00:21:18.519 --> 00:21:20.839
this for a little bit. We can find the help

405
00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:23.640
we need. We can share what we're feeling because where

406
00:21:23.680 --> 00:21:27.359
we're headed is actually okay. Where we're headed is actually

407
00:21:27.400 --> 00:21:30.960
really good. So that was what really I really wanted

408
00:21:31.000 --> 00:21:34.079
a book like that out there for me because I

409
00:21:34.200 --> 00:21:37.640
needed that information as well. So I was like, well,

410
00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:40.319
I'll just I'll just give it a go. I'll write

411
00:21:40.319 --> 00:21:42.680
one myself. So that's where it came from.

412
00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:45.839
I mean, you went through a dark time, right, You've

413
00:21:45.960 --> 00:21:48.880
mentioned that you got really depressed, and not every woman

414
00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:49.799
does get depressed.

415
00:21:49.880 --> 00:21:51.759
And one thing that I also noticed reading your.

416
00:21:51.680 --> 00:21:53.680
Book is that you said you felt kind of this

417
00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:57.880
expectation or this responsibility to remain youthful, because that's how

418
00:21:57.880 --> 00:22:00.200
everybody perceived you, particularly in Australia where we all grew

419
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:01.200
up with you, I guess.

420
00:22:01.440 --> 00:22:01.920
But then at the.

421
00:22:01.960 --> 00:22:05.039
Same time you talked about like dumbing yourself down or

422
00:22:05.599 --> 00:22:08.160
making a point of telling other women that you're not

423
00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:11.319
that bright actually because you didn't want them to feel

424
00:22:11.599 --> 00:22:15.000
insecure around you because you were the pretty one.

425
00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:16.519
You know, you're the ex model.

426
00:22:16.680 --> 00:22:19.240
And I'm just wondering what kind of impact must that

427
00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:23.240
have had on your own mental health? Like I'm the

428
00:22:23.279 --> 00:22:25.440
beautiful one, but I'm not really feeling that beautiful anymore.

429
00:22:25.480 --> 00:22:27.000
And at the same time, I'm telling everybody that I'm

430
00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:29.519
not feeling I'm actually not that smart. So how did

431
00:22:29.559 --> 00:22:32.200
that impact your self confidence and your self worth?

432
00:22:32.319 --> 00:22:35.240
I mean, that was one of the carryovers from modeling

433
00:22:35.319 --> 00:22:39.160
that I still deal with that today. It still comes

434
00:22:39.240 --> 00:22:41.119
up for me. And as I mentioned in the book,

435
00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:44.559
you know a friend that I made that was really

436
00:22:44.839 --> 00:22:48.000
helpful for me while I was writing the book, another woman,

437
00:22:48.119 --> 00:22:50.759
and so I had no one to really kind of

438
00:22:51.240 --> 00:22:53.119
share it with because all my friends were back in

439
00:22:53.160 --> 00:22:56.640
America and it was just really really challenging, and she said,

440
00:22:56.799 --> 00:22:59.160
I'll read it. So we started going on these walks

441
00:22:59.160 --> 00:23:02.119
and she said, you know, you've told me about three

442
00:23:02.200 --> 00:23:04.680
times at your high school dropout, like why do you

443
00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:08.440
keep telling me that? And it was that place again

444
00:23:08.519 --> 00:23:11.039
in me where I'm trying to make the other woman

445
00:23:11.119 --> 00:23:14.640
comfortable in case they feel they think that I'm prettier

446
00:23:14.720 --> 00:23:17.160
than them, which I don't think that at all. So

447
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:20.519
I'm going to dumb myself down and put hang shit

448
00:23:20.599 --> 00:23:23.440
on myself so you feel more comfortable around me, Like

449
00:23:23.480 --> 00:23:27.279
it was this whole weird turning thing that was only

450
00:23:27.319 --> 00:23:30.160
happening in my head because she had none of that

451
00:23:30.240 --> 00:23:34.279
going on whatsoever. But it came from a lot of

452
00:23:34.440 --> 00:23:38.160
challenges that I had as a model making female friendships,

453
00:23:38.519 --> 00:23:42.640
and I lost some girlfriends when I started modeling. They

454
00:23:43.079 --> 00:23:45.200
no longer wanted anything to do with me because they

455
00:23:45.359 --> 00:23:48.920
felt like I would change. Even before I'd even started,

456
00:23:48.960 --> 00:23:50.279
they were I don't want to anything to deal with

457
00:23:50.279 --> 00:23:51.920
you if you're going to be a model. I used

458
00:23:51.920 --> 00:23:55.880
to get like these packs of girls that would tail

459
00:23:55.960 --> 00:23:58.319
me if I walked down the street, calling out really

460
00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:01.799
horrific things to me. Really yeah, And I was, you know,

461
00:24:01.880 --> 00:24:05.960
sixteen seventeen, and they would shout across the street how

462
00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:08.400
ugly I really was, and you think, you're so full

463
00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:11.039
of this and full of that and you're not that pretty,

464
00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:14.599
And that was really horrific for me. So I just

465
00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:18.240
constantly was like trying to sort of be not the

466
00:24:18.279 --> 00:24:21.799
pretty one but still modeling. I mean, it was just

467
00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:26.279
this weird mix of things. So, yeah, female friendships but tricky.

468
00:24:26.279 --> 00:24:29.599
I have two sisters that I know it was hard

469
00:24:29.839 --> 00:24:33.200
for them with me being having the career that I

470
00:24:33.240 --> 00:24:35.759
had and being in the limelight that sort of put

471
00:24:35.799 --> 00:24:39.319
a bit of a challenging place in We're great now,

472
00:24:39.359 --> 00:24:42.039
but for a long time that put a real wedge

473
00:24:42.039 --> 00:24:45.720
in my relationship with them. So everywhere I went modeling

474
00:24:45.799 --> 00:24:48.720
seemed to damage my relationship with women.

475
00:24:48.880 --> 00:24:51.279
And you know, while you're talking about that and that

476
00:24:51.559 --> 00:24:55.319
experience is your experience based on what you went through,

477
00:24:55.359 --> 00:24:57.839
I'm thinking about all the other women who have gone

478
00:24:57.839 --> 00:25:00.359
through something similar, you know, whether they were the really

479
00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:03.160
smart one at school or you know. I talked to

480
00:25:03.240 --> 00:25:05.480
damiim the other day and she in her book wrote

481
00:25:05.480 --> 00:25:07.680
about how people didn't like her when she got really

482
00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:10.720
good at the piano and became successful with her music.

483
00:25:10.799 --> 00:25:12.640
Like, it's just women feeling they.

484
00:25:12.519 --> 00:25:15.400
Need to make themselves smaller to make other people feel better,

485
00:25:15.559 --> 00:25:19.480
Which brings me to anger. Alie, you talk about anger

486
00:25:19.799 --> 00:25:23.559
in the feelings of rage. I get PMS like anybody,

487
00:25:23.799 --> 00:25:28.000
but I don't recall ever being really cranky and moody

488
00:25:28.119 --> 00:25:30.839
and getting PMS when I was lying on a sun

489
00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:33.880
bed by a pool in Fiji on holidays. I feel

490
00:25:33.880 --> 00:25:38.480
like hormones exacerbate the existing stress or bring to the

491
00:25:38.519 --> 00:25:42.119
forefront all of the things that were already angry about.

492
00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:45.359
Do you feel like your experience of anger, which can

493
00:25:45.400 --> 00:25:48.960
be very healthy, was really just an accumulation of all

494
00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:51.880
of that stuff that you had squashed for a really

495
00:25:51.880 --> 00:25:52.440
long time.

496
00:25:52.880 --> 00:26:01.960
Yeah, definitely, definitely. And it was certainly stirred viciously by hormones.

497
00:26:02.519 --> 00:26:09.519
And there was certain anger outbursts that really were completely unnecessary,

498
00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:13.839
that were absolutely solely fueled by hormones that made absolutely

499
00:26:13.839 --> 00:26:16.880
no sense. Even as I'm like so angry about whatever

500
00:26:16.920 --> 00:26:19.799
it was, my brain's also going, this does not make

501
00:26:19.920 --> 00:26:22.599
any sense why you're so angry, Like, you know, being

502
00:26:22.680 --> 00:26:26.559
angry it's sort of indigenous rights or environmental issues or

503
00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:29.920
like getting passionate about that. Okay, I can hang with

504
00:26:29.960 --> 00:26:33.680
all that, but yeah, certain things were like why am

505
00:26:33.720 --> 00:26:36.880
I so mad about this? This makes this is not

506
00:26:37.039 --> 00:26:40.000
something to waste my anger on at all. So yeah,

507
00:26:40.039 --> 00:26:43.000
it was a weird one for me, for someone who

508
00:26:43.680 --> 00:26:48.920
had had very little anger in her life, being a

509
00:26:49.279 --> 00:26:53.559
self professed nice girl and people pleaser. But I very

510
00:26:53.640 --> 00:26:57.559
much embraced my anger now and many years of bottling

511
00:26:57.640 --> 00:26:59.960
that up. I'm sure that's why it's coming out sideway

512
00:27:00.279 --> 00:27:03.400
and upside down, And at one thousand and one percent

513
00:27:03.559 --> 00:27:05.559
and you know all that stuff.

514
00:27:05.839 --> 00:27:08.279
And again I would say, you know, I doubt that

515
00:27:08.319 --> 00:27:09.960
you would be the only one, which is why it's

516
00:27:09.960 --> 00:27:11.440
so important that you've written this book and that you're

517
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:14.519
sharing your experience, because I think, you know, women universally

518
00:27:14.720 --> 00:27:18.160
are told that anger is unacceptable. Men can be angry,

519
00:27:18.680 --> 00:27:24.640
makes them really strong and good leaders and whatever. Women no,

520
00:27:24.680 --> 00:27:25.720
not acceptable.

521
00:27:26.000 --> 00:27:29.279
You look at it across the board, you know, particularly

522
00:27:29.400 --> 00:27:33.359
women politicians. You know, I remember seeing this documentary on

523
00:27:33.440 --> 00:27:36.640
Hillary Clinton, like in the balance this woman had to

524
00:27:36.960 --> 00:27:39.839
go through to be able to speak. Was she going

525
00:27:39.880 --> 00:27:41.880
to sound like a shrew? Was she going to sound

526
00:27:41.920 --> 00:27:45.039
like a bitch? Was she going to sound not passionate enough?

527
00:27:45.079 --> 00:27:47.599
Did she not have enough emotion? Was she too cold?

528
00:27:47.680 --> 00:27:50.720
I mean, we don't do that with men. We don't

529
00:27:50.720 --> 00:27:53.480
do that, but we do it with women. And when

530
00:27:53.519 --> 00:27:55.640
women get angry, it's like, oh, no, one likes an

531
00:27:55.640 --> 00:28:02.319
angry woman. You know, so well, do bad? Too bad.

532
00:28:02.400 --> 00:28:04.279
We're angry and we've got a lot to say. That's

533
00:28:04.279 --> 00:28:08.640
what I say.

534
00:28:09.200 --> 00:28:12.519
I hope that you're enjoying this conversation and realizing the

535
00:28:12.519 --> 00:28:15.440
benefits of positivity in your own life. If you are

536
00:28:15.559 --> 00:28:18.279
enjoying the show, Please be sure to like and subscribe

537
00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:20.640
so that you get notified when you EPs drop and

538
00:28:20.720 --> 00:28:23.440
head on over to Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen.

539
00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:24.640
And leave us a rating and review.

540
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:35.920
Obviously, as the mother the major arc and your family

541
00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:39.319
go through metopause, everybody around you goes through it with you.

542
00:28:39.920 --> 00:28:42.400
How did it impact your relationship?

543
00:28:42.559 --> 00:28:47.799
It was really challenging. It was really hard for the

544
00:28:47.880 --> 00:28:51.240
both of us, and especially for Cam. Even though I

545
00:28:51.359 --> 00:28:53.519
was writing a book and I was able to start

546
00:28:53.599 --> 00:28:55.400
to make sense of what was happening and I was

547
00:28:55.440 --> 00:28:58.240
able to sort of drip feed him some information that

548
00:28:58.319 --> 00:29:01.240
I was finding out, but it was really difficult because

549
00:29:01.240 --> 00:29:03.640
I was so confused and shocked for a long time,

550
00:29:03.720 --> 00:29:06.960
and so I couldn't articulate what I was really feeling.

551
00:29:07.039 --> 00:29:09.200
And sure as hell, he didn't know what the hell

552
00:29:09.319 --> 00:29:11.839
was going on with me. He just saw me really

553
00:29:11.880 --> 00:29:14.480
fall apart and not want to get out out of

554
00:29:14.480 --> 00:29:19.400
bed some days, and really pushed him away, very very hard.

555
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:21.599
I didn't want to be in the same bed as him.

556
00:29:21.640 --> 00:29:25.279
I didn't want to have affection from him. It really

557
00:29:25.480 --> 00:29:28.440
did a real job on libido and all of that

558
00:29:28.480 --> 00:29:31.720
sort of thing. So I really needed to be left alone,

559
00:29:31.799 --> 00:29:33.640
but then I didn't want to be left alone, so

560
00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:36.799
it was very confusing. Yeah, we had to do We

561
00:29:36.839 --> 00:29:39.319
had to do a lot of work. We saw a therapist,

562
00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:42.200
and the more I understood, the more I shared, the

563
00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:45.160
more we communicated. We've had so many years together and

564
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:48.000
we've had so much therapy together. We leaned, we leaned

565
00:29:48.039 --> 00:29:51.599
back on all of our past history and made it through.

566
00:29:51.920 --> 00:29:53.759
I was going to ask you about that too, Like

567
00:29:53.759 --> 00:29:55.960
you've been really open about when you went to LA

568
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:58.480
and had some rocky times in your marriage. I think

569
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:00.880
you even separated for a brief time you in the

570
00:30:00.920 --> 00:30:04.880
early days of your marriage, and you've talked both talked

571
00:30:04.880 --> 00:30:09.319
about therapy individually and as a couple. America has such

572
00:30:09.319 --> 00:30:12.200
a different approach to therapy, Like it's not stigmatized.

573
00:30:12.240 --> 00:30:13.319
Everybody's got a therapist.

574
00:30:13.319 --> 00:30:13.920
Do you think it was a.

575
00:30:13.880 --> 00:30:17.279
Real benefit being there at that time so that we

576
00:30:17.319 --> 00:30:20.359
don't have access here, But it's just a different attitude

577
00:30:20.960 --> 00:30:22.240
towards therapy.

578
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:27.359
I don't think we would have seen a therapist in

579
00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:30.400
Australia at that age we were at We were very young,

580
00:30:30.680 --> 00:30:33.039
and as you say, it was just the normal thing

581
00:30:33.079 --> 00:30:35.200
to do. People just went oh, go see a therapist,

582
00:30:35.400 --> 00:30:38.880
and we were all like yeah, you know, like okay,

583
00:30:39.039 --> 00:30:41.319
all right, we'll do that. But I just don't think

584
00:30:41.359 --> 00:30:43.680
we would have done that in Australia. I think it

585
00:30:43.720 --> 00:30:46.240
would have blown apart and we would have just stayed

586
00:30:46.240 --> 00:30:49.759
blown apart. Like we've often talked about that that we

587
00:30:49.799 --> 00:30:52.480
wouldn't have stayed together. I don't think had we had,

588
00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:55.440
that have happened in Australia. It's a very very very

589
00:30:55.480 --> 00:31:00.000
common thing over there, and it has become a lot

590
00:31:00.039 --> 00:31:03.359
more common here, which I'm really grateful for because you know,

591
00:31:03.519 --> 00:31:08.319
Cam and I are huge, huge proponents of therapy because

592
00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:11.319
to have someone else to talk to and then to have,

593
00:31:11.480 --> 00:31:14.880
you know, particularly in a relationship if it's gone south,

594
00:31:14.960 --> 00:31:17.400
that you've got a third person that can sort of

595
00:31:17.480 --> 00:31:19.920
step in and figure some things out for you and

596
00:31:19.960 --> 00:31:23.200
make things clear, you know, and possibly save the.

597
00:31:23.079 --> 00:31:26.759
Marriage and as you say, help you to develop that

598
00:31:26.799 --> 00:31:30.039
self awareness and that understanding and the skills early on

599
00:31:30.720 --> 00:31:32.799
that down the track you can fall back on. I

600
00:31:32.839 --> 00:31:34.799
was reflecting, like, you've been married, you and Cam I

601
00:31:34.799 --> 00:31:36.640
think have been together thirty years.

602
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:38.680
So many couples hit.

603
00:31:38.759 --> 00:31:41.400
Something like this like this kind of time of life

604
00:31:41.640 --> 00:31:45.000
where women start getting angry, start being resentful about all

605
00:31:45.200 --> 00:31:49.720
the things and that's the end because they don't have

606
00:31:49.880 --> 00:31:50.960
that background.

607
00:31:51.119 --> 00:31:54.200
Yeah, it's a very high rate, very high rate of divorce.

608
00:31:54.599 --> 00:31:57.400
And I don't know what that the percentage is, which

609
00:31:57.440 --> 00:32:01.400
is interesting because is it they couldn't make it work

610
00:32:01.440 --> 00:32:05.720
because menopause created such a wedge because she was feeling

611
00:32:05.799 --> 00:32:08.759
uncomfortable with it and sort of got the shame spiral

612
00:32:09.240 --> 00:32:12.119
and he wasn't getting you know, the communication and the

613
00:32:12.160 --> 00:32:14.839
sex life that he always had and that blew him apart?

614
00:32:15.240 --> 00:32:17.799
Or is it that she finally woke up and when

615
00:32:18.039 --> 00:32:20.559
I had been married to an asshole for you know,

616
00:32:20.640 --> 00:32:22.920
twenty years and I am out of here. I deserve

617
00:32:23.039 --> 00:32:25.440
something better, Like I don't know which side of the

618
00:32:25.480 --> 00:32:29.039
spectrumen it is, but it is really quite common.

619
00:32:29.200 --> 00:32:31.279
Yeah, it could be any one of the above, but

620
00:32:31.359 --> 00:32:35.079
I think, you know, I think therapy and that opportunity

621
00:32:35.119 --> 00:32:37.680
to have at least having the ability and the skills

622
00:32:37.680 --> 00:32:39.519
you're able to talk through it, you could at least

623
00:32:39.519 --> 00:32:42.079
have a better idea of like what actually was going

624
00:32:42.119 --> 00:32:43.039
on exactly?

625
00:32:43.400 --> 00:32:46.559
Yeah, what is actually happening? Is it me? Is it him?

626
00:32:46.680 --> 00:32:49.079
Is it us? What do I want more, can he

627
00:32:49.119 --> 00:32:52.240
give me more? Or yeah, all those things.

628
00:32:52.079 --> 00:32:54.759
And you've obviously done some real recalibrating, like this has

629
00:32:54.799 --> 00:32:57.480
really led to you doing some real recalibrating in your relationship.

630
00:32:57.519 --> 00:32:59.640
You've said you have been the one that has really

631
00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:03.720
supported the family, you know, supported his career, done your

632
00:33:03.720 --> 00:33:05.799
own thing, obviously. I mean, I think my marriage is

633
00:33:05.839 --> 00:33:08.160
probably similar. I have my own career, but we've definitely

634
00:33:08.200 --> 00:33:10.720
like we've moved into state multiple times because I've followed

635
00:33:10.839 --> 00:33:13.400
my husband where he goes. I've worked part time so

636
00:33:13.480 --> 00:33:15.039
that I can be home with our daughter because he

637
00:33:15.079 --> 00:33:18.319
travels so much. Like we're both independent and do our thing,

638
00:33:18.400 --> 00:33:21.559
but definitely it's all molded around him. Yeah.

639
00:33:21.559 --> 00:33:23.640
How has Cam kind of coped with that?

640
00:33:23.759 --> 00:33:25.680
With you kind of saying Okay, that's it, I'm not

641
00:33:25.720 --> 00:33:28.160
doing that anymore, it's time, it's Ali time now.

642
00:33:28.720 --> 00:33:31.480
Yeah. That was a huge adjustment for him because I

643
00:33:31.640 --> 00:33:35.519
had been like, yes, let's do this, Yes, whatever you need, Yeah,

644
00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:37.920
I'll support you, I'll do this, yep, yep. And it's

645
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:41.640
not that he wasn't supportive of me doing my own thing,

646
00:33:41.680 --> 00:33:44.359
and he was always very supportive of that. It was

647
00:33:44.480 --> 00:33:47.519
just the way I was in the marriage I was,

648
00:33:47.799 --> 00:33:51.640
you know, marriage in kid's husband came first. That's what

649
00:33:51.680 --> 00:33:54.359
you do, That's what a good wife does. So whatever

650
00:33:54.400 --> 00:33:58.720
he needed, I was there to support him, and until

651
00:33:59.240 --> 00:34:04.119
I went, hang on a minute, it actually I have

652
00:34:04.240 --> 00:34:08.400
a lot more needs than I realized, and thank god

653
00:34:08.440 --> 00:34:13.239
I realized. And yeah, so now he knows. He's just like, honey,

654
00:34:13.280 --> 00:34:14.840
are you going to come to this? No, I'm not

655
00:34:14.880 --> 00:34:17.280
going to come to it, all right, I'm going by myself.

656
00:34:17.480 --> 00:34:19.960
Yes you are. I have a good time, sweetheart. I

657
00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:22.440
think it's you know, we've been together for so long,

658
00:34:22.519 --> 00:34:26.000
and I think it's sort of sometimes it's a little challenging,

659
00:34:26.119 --> 00:34:28.840
but he also likes it at the same time, like

660
00:34:28.920 --> 00:34:33.159
he likes my independence that I've created for myself. It's

661
00:34:33.199 --> 00:34:35.800
sometimes that can be a real burden for the other

662
00:34:35.880 --> 00:34:38.960
partner as well, feeling like, oh, gosh, I can't do this,

663
00:34:39.119 --> 00:34:41.840
you know, what's our doing because she's she needs to

664
00:34:41.880 --> 00:34:43.760
be here and she's going to be sad if I

665
00:34:43.840 --> 00:34:45.960
do this. You know, all of that kind of stuff

666
00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:48.639
that was part of our marriage too. So I think that,

667
00:34:49.079 --> 00:34:53.039
you know, he feels very really comfortable doing his own thing,

668
00:34:53.159 --> 00:34:55.679
and I'm comfortable doing my own thing, and I think

669
00:34:55.719 --> 00:34:57.800
it's there's a huge freedom in that. Now.

670
00:34:57.920 --> 00:34:59.159
Yeah, that's a good place to be.

671
00:34:59.599 --> 00:35:03.119
One thing, I was really struck by an idea that

672
00:35:03.159 --> 00:35:06.440
you mentioned in the book. I'm a big believer in

673
00:35:06.480 --> 00:35:09.159
the whole mind body connection. I know that you are too.

674
00:35:09.239 --> 00:35:12.039
I think even the phrase mind body connections suggests that

675
00:35:12.079 --> 00:35:15.400
these are two separate things. I think they're one thing completely,

676
00:35:16.039 --> 00:35:20.440
and that in cultures where aging women aging is kind

677
00:35:20.480 --> 00:35:24.599
of older women i'm sorry, are revered, they actually experience

678
00:35:24.719 --> 00:35:32.119
less of the painful menopausal symptoms. How interesting is that

679
00:35:32.119 --> 00:35:36.400
that the way we think about an experience literally affects

680
00:35:36.440 --> 00:35:39.800
how we have that experience, how it actually affects us physically.

681
00:35:39.960 --> 00:35:42.440
Yeah, And of course, you know, going back to the

682
00:35:42.440 --> 00:35:45.679
beginning of the conversation, even I think you know us

683
00:35:45.719 --> 00:35:47.880
in the Western world. I mean, we're not only are

684
00:35:47.920 --> 00:35:50.440
we up against our own thoughts, but we're up against

685
00:35:50.480 --> 00:35:54.400
the constant programming we've had since we were in puberty

686
00:35:54.480 --> 00:35:57.519
or even before that pretty is skinny, pretty as young,

687
00:35:57.639 --> 00:36:00.800
Pretty is no lines on your face. That's what's attracted

688
00:36:00.840 --> 00:36:03.800
to the opposite sex as well, and that's the value

689
00:36:03.880 --> 00:36:06.800
of women. So you've got all of that already. So

690
00:36:06.880 --> 00:36:11.880
to try and then believe enough in yourself to go.

691
00:36:12.159 --> 00:36:15.599
This aging thing is a wondrous, magical thing, and I

692
00:36:15.639 --> 00:36:19.239
feel wise and powerful as I age, you know. I

693
00:36:19.280 --> 00:36:23.079
think that it's a fantastic thing if you can get there,

694
00:36:23.119 --> 00:36:25.119
And that's where I want everyone to get there, and

695
00:36:25.159 --> 00:36:28.639
it's where I've been very much working towards myself. But

696
00:36:28.719 --> 00:36:31.440
I'm like, Wow, imagine growing up in a culture where

697
00:36:31.800 --> 00:36:35.880
the older you get, the more revered, the more exalted

698
00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:39.679
you are, And it's like Wow, becoming that aged woman

699
00:36:39.760 --> 00:36:42.400
and the end of your cycle is something that you

700
00:36:42.480 --> 00:36:45.320
celebrate because it is you are fully in your wise

701
00:36:45.360 --> 00:36:48.400
woman years. And I was like, what would that be like?

702
00:36:48.639 --> 00:36:52.480
That would be amazing, you know. So yeah, of course

703
00:36:52.559 --> 00:36:55.639
those symptoms would be seen as something that we're connected

704
00:36:55.679 --> 00:36:59.760
to a real positive aspect, and that's something that we've

705
00:37:00.920 --> 00:37:02.400
yet to get to for sure.

706
00:37:02.360 --> 00:37:02.880
Far from it.

707
00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:04.760
I would like to think that by the time my

708
00:37:04.920 --> 00:37:07.199
daughter and your daughter get to our age that maybe

709
00:37:07.239 --> 00:37:10.960
we're a bit closer to that. Allie, let's talk about

710
00:37:10.960 --> 00:37:14.760
what are some of the really good things about reaching

711
00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:15.800
this time in life.

712
00:37:15.840 --> 00:37:17.519
You talk about heightened.

713
00:37:17.119 --> 00:37:21.760
Intuition, creativity, more space in your life, Like what for you,

714
00:37:22.400 --> 00:37:24.599
having now gone through it and come out the other

715
00:37:24.639 --> 00:37:26.440
side of it, what are the really good things?

716
00:37:26.800 --> 00:37:29.679
Yeah, it's I mean there's quite a few things, and

717
00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:33.719
some of them are more subtle than others. You know,

718
00:37:33.760 --> 00:37:37.320
when I talk about feeling, you know, this sense of freedom,

719
00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:40.719
it's sort of an overlay of a word that sort

720
00:37:40.719 --> 00:37:43.119
of cuts into so many different aspects. And of course, yes,

721
00:37:43.159 --> 00:37:45.599
you've got the freedom of no periods anymore. I was

722
00:37:45.599 --> 00:37:49.079
just walking down the supermarket aisle today, actually going shopping,

723
00:37:49.119 --> 00:37:51.079
and I walk through the r with all the period

724
00:37:51.119 --> 00:37:53.880
products and I'm like, I don't have to buy these anymore.

725
00:37:54.360 --> 00:37:56.480
I can worry about that, I don't have cramping or

726
00:37:56.800 --> 00:37:59.639
stained underwear. I'm like, just that. I'm like, that's cool.

727
00:38:00.039 --> 00:38:00.559
I like that.

728
00:38:00.880 --> 00:38:04.880
But for me, the biggest, the biggest, biggest thing, because

729
00:38:04.920 --> 00:38:07.559
I've never ever had it in my whole life, is

730
00:38:08.119 --> 00:38:12.719
actually understanding what self care is and actually taking action on.

731
00:38:12.719 --> 00:38:18.400
Self care and really going to myself first every day

732
00:38:18.559 --> 00:38:21.840
and saying what do I need for myself today and

733
00:38:21.960 --> 00:38:24.719
working to give that to myself. And that is just

734
00:38:25.679 --> 00:38:30.360
momentously huge for me. Like it's just it still blows

735
00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:33.719
my mind that I'm now doing that for myself having

736
00:38:33.840 --> 00:38:38.519
had so many years of never considering that in just

737
00:38:38.599 --> 00:38:42.599
so many ways. So I just feel like there's so

738
00:38:42.599 --> 00:38:47.039
so many more possibilities for me now, where before I

739
00:38:47.119 --> 00:38:49.199
used to feel like, oh, I can't do this since

740
00:38:49.199 --> 00:38:52.039
it's too late for that, and oh, I'll just wait

741
00:38:52.119 --> 00:38:55.119
till I got this going before I can do that.

742
00:38:55.760 --> 00:38:58.000
Now I'm just like, yeah, let's give this a go.

743
00:38:58.320 --> 00:39:00.599
Let's see if this will work. Let's throw some time

744
00:39:00.639 --> 00:39:03.320
at that. And if it doesn't work, that's fine. I'm

745
00:39:03.400 --> 00:39:06.519
fine with it not working, but I'm not fine with

746
00:39:06.559 --> 00:39:10.119
it not giving it a go. Like that's very different

747
00:39:10.159 --> 00:39:12.280
for me, And I feel like if I wanted to

748
00:39:12.360 --> 00:39:15.320
shift and try a different career right now at the

749
00:39:15.320 --> 00:39:18.760
age of fifty three, I would be totally fine with that,

750
00:39:19.000 --> 00:39:23.719
and that's really exciting. So that whole take on life

751
00:39:23.840 --> 00:39:28.000
now is very very different for me. I mean, you know, yeah,

752
00:39:28.079 --> 00:39:32.079
my kids are older now, so they're pretty much independent,

753
00:39:32.320 --> 00:39:35.880
so that's also part of that, because I do have

754
00:39:35.920 --> 00:39:39.280
more time for myself. But yeah, it's sort of just

755
00:39:39.440 --> 00:39:43.199
molding and creating my life for the second half of

756
00:39:43.239 --> 00:39:46.320
my life and how I want to be and how

757
00:39:46.360 --> 00:39:50.320
I want to take it head on and Yeah, that's

758
00:39:50.480 --> 00:39:53.599
just been the best change for me for sure, because

759
00:39:53.800 --> 00:39:54.760
I've just never had that.

760
00:39:55.239 --> 00:39:56.199
Yeah, that's amazing.

761
00:39:56.679 --> 00:40:00.320
And strangely this was news to me that all of

762
00:40:00.360 --> 00:40:04.199
those symptoms they like the hot flushes and the mood

763
00:40:04.280 --> 00:40:09.639
swings and you know, the uncomfortable physical things that people

764
00:40:09.719 --> 00:40:12.239
experience like that all got the brain fog.

765
00:40:12.280 --> 00:40:14.880
For me, it's the brain fog. It's the not remembering.

766
00:40:14.559 --> 00:40:20.400
Words and like, oh, the worst that that all goes away,

767
00:40:21.039 --> 00:40:24.239
that it comes back, the brain comes back and sleep

768
00:40:24.280 --> 00:40:24.840
comes back.

769
00:40:25.239 --> 00:40:29.119
Yeah, look, it doesn't not. I mean, look, I can't

770
00:40:29.199 --> 00:40:32.440
say it's.

771
00:40:32.840 --> 00:40:34.559
Just managing my expectations now.

772
00:40:35.599 --> 00:40:39.039
I can't guarantee that for everyone, and I can't guarantee

773
00:40:39.079 --> 00:40:42.840
that it all comes back. But I mean the difference

774
00:40:42.960 --> 00:40:47.679
that I feel from you know, three years ago to

775
00:40:47.840 --> 00:40:52.920
now is night and day, night and day. So yeah,

776
00:40:53.000 --> 00:40:55.559
and look, and that's been again, that's been something that

777
00:40:55.599 --> 00:40:59.639
I've sought help for and it's been something that I've

778
00:40:59.719 --> 00:41:04.199
definite worked towards having that as well, because you know,

779
00:41:04.280 --> 00:41:07.800
some women do get caught in that I'm fat, I'm ugly,

780
00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:12.480
I'm old, and life is just crap now and I

781
00:41:12.519 --> 00:41:14.960
hate my life. I mean, some women do get caught

782
00:41:14.960 --> 00:41:20.079
in that. So it's reaching out of that sort of

783
00:41:20.159 --> 00:41:23.800
thing you do sometimes need to go. Actually, I'm not

784
00:41:23.840 --> 00:41:27.199
going to live in that space, Like no, I'm not

785
00:41:27.239 --> 00:41:29.599
going to be not going to go down that spiral

786
00:41:29.639 --> 00:41:31.960
and stay stay at the bottom of that pit. So

787
00:41:32.320 --> 00:41:36.360
you know, the symptoms do absolutely take a back seat,

788
00:41:36.760 --> 00:41:41.880
take a total back seat. So I haven't had I mean,

789
00:41:41.880 --> 00:41:46.400
I haven't had a hot flush in a good eighteen months. Yeah,

790
00:41:46.440 --> 00:41:50.039
my moods are much more stable. Sleep can still be

791
00:41:50.079 --> 00:41:52.679
a bit elusive. I'm still working on the sleep, the

792
00:41:52.719 --> 00:41:56.800
sleep part of it. Brain fog is definitely better, I mean,

793
00:41:56.920 --> 00:42:00.599
so yeah, all the body aches are gone. So yeah,

794
00:42:00.960 --> 00:42:05.199
it's very different, very different to where I was. There's

795
00:42:05.360 --> 00:42:06.239
so much light.

796
00:42:06.480 --> 00:42:08.880
I saw a GP at one point when this brain

797
00:42:09.079 --> 00:42:11.559
this it wasn't even just brain fog. It was like

798
00:42:11.639 --> 00:42:16.119
complete like cognitive impairment. It was like I would be

799
00:42:16.119 --> 00:42:20.519
having a conversation like this and like I lost what

800
00:42:20.559 --> 00:42:22.679
I was just about to say, Like that would happen

801
00:42:22.760 --> 00:42:26.239
to me, And I saw a GP and she actually

802
00:42:26.559 --> 00:42:29.000
she asked how old I was, And this was maybe

803
00:42:29.039 --> 00:42:31.679
twelve months ago, so I'm fifty now, And she actually

804
00:42:31.679 --> 00:42:33.599
said to me like you would be a candidate for

805
00:42:34.360 --> 00:42:38.000
hormone therapy if you chose to, and was She really

806
00:42:38.159 --> 00:42:42.079
positioned it in that particularly because of my job and

807
00:42:42.119 --> 00:42:46.719
that it requires me to be cognitively like focused. And

808
00:42:46.760 --> 00:42:49.519
she mentioned to me that she had some other clients,

809
00:42:49.719 --> 00:42:53.719
you know, patients who were in like lawyers or you know,

810
00:42:53.880 --> 00:42:58.000
professional careers who again just really couldn't couldn't function with

811
00:42:58.039 --> 00:43:01.719
that sort of brain kind of and so that they

812
00:43:01.840 --> 00:43:04.079
had taken it for that reason. It turned out she

813
00:43:04.119 --> 00:43:05.960
actually said to me, let's just check all your blood

814
00:43:06.039 --> 00:43:08.360
levels first and see if there's something else going on.

815
00:43:08.400 --> 00:43:11.119
And I was low in iron and B twelve and zinc,

816
00:43:11.159 --> 00:43:13.159
and we topped up all of those things and it

817
00:43:13.280 --> 00:43:16.159
actually things really improved. But it was nice to know

818
00:43:16.320 --> 00:43:19.679
for me that that was still an option should I

819
00:43:19.760 --> 00:43:23.119
choose to go down that path. So there are various

820
00:43:23.119 --> 00:43:26.199
options available to people that help with those symptoms.

821
00:43:26.400 --> 00:43:28.119
I wanted to share. I guess that in your book.

822
00:43:27.920 --> 00:43:32.000
You've got an exhaustive list ali of things that can help.

823
00:43:32.320 --> 00:43:34.239
What are some of the things for you particularly that

824
00:43:34.320 --> 00:43:36.679
helped you to get through I guess just to wrap.

825
00:43:36.519 --> 00:43:39.440
Up, yeah, well, I'm so glad that your GP had

826
00:43:39.480 --> 00:43:42.159
you do the blood work, because that's a huge thing.

827
00:43:42.239 --> 00:43:45.920
That's what every good GP should actually do when a

828
00:43:46.000 --> 00:43:48.920
woman our age comes to them and say, let's do

829
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:51.840
your blood work first, because that was what I had.

830
00:43:52.079 --> 00:43:55.880
I had a hormone specialist, a GP too that went, okay,

831
00:43:56.000 --> 00:43:57.800
let's see where your blood levels at. And it was

832
00:43:57.840 --> 00:44:00.440
exactly the same thing. I was low. Indeed, I was

833
00:44:00.480 --> 00:44:03.079
owned zinc, I was low in OH, a bunch of

834
00:44:03.119 --> 00:44:06.400
other things. And as soon as I started getting my

835
00:44:06.480 --> 00:44:11.159
body balanced, yeah, the symptoms immediately dropped. So I was like, huh.

836
00:44:11.199 --> 00:44:14.119
And again I went the naturopathic way because that has

837
00:44:14.199 --> 00:44:16.559
been my way since I was a little girl. I've

838
00:44:16.599 --> 00:44:20.199
always been a naturopathic person. But I want to make

839
00:44:20.239 --> 00:44:24.079
it clear that HIT is the best, like it has

840
00:44:24.280 --> 00:44:28.360
been life saving for so many women. Not every woman

841
00:44:28.480 --> 00:44:31.880
can take it because it does mess a little bit

842
00:44:31.960 --> 00:44:35.320
sometimes with their bodies and if you had some cancer,

843
00:44:35.599 --> 00:44:38.079
you know, you can't take it. People think that because

844
00:44:38.119 --> 00:44:41.800
I'm naturopathic, that I'm against HIT, and I'm definitely not

845
00:44:41.920 --> 00:44:44.920
against it because I feel like, again, it's your body.

846
00:44:45.199 --> 00:44:48.000
You do exactly what is going to make you feel

847
00:44:48.239 --> 00:44:52.800
the best, you know, So I think it's I think

848
00:44:52.800 --> 00:44:56.199
that's really important. But I had my naturopaths. She had

849
00:44:56.239 --> 00:44:59.719
gave me something called Gabba Gaba, which was really good

850
00:44:59.800 --> 00:45:04.639
for mood. She had me on like all sorts of

851
00:45:04.679 --> 00:45:09.280
different tonics for anxiety, herbal stuff to help me sleep,

852
00:45:09.639 --> 00:45:13.880
And she's really amazing with hormones as well, so was

853
00:45:14.360 --> 00:45:16.000
every time I went to see her, She's like, yeah,

854
00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:19.079
your hormones are a nightmare right now. They're all over

855
00:45:19.119 --> 00:45:23.880
the place. But more than anything, what I loved about

856
00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:26.239
her is that she's just the kindest lady. So she

857
00:45:26.280 --> 00:45:29.320
would spend an hour with me and she would just

858
00:45:29.400 --> 00:45:32.079
let me talk and cry, and she'd be like, Okay,

859
00:45:32.320 --> 00:45:34.400
we can help you with that. I've got something for that,

860
00:45:34.519 --> 00:45:37.440
you know. So even if it was a placebo pill,

861
00:45:37.679 --> 00:45:40.159
it just was the fact that I believed so much

862
00:45:40.159 --> 00:45:42.719
in her and her kindness that I just immediately felt

863
00:45:42.760 --> 00:45:45.360
better seeing her. I listed quite a few of those

864
00:45:45.400 --> 00:45:49.320
things in there that helped me herbal wise, and you know,

865
00:45:49.400 --> 00:45:51.639
they again, they don't work for everyone, and you do

866
00:45:51.760 --> 00:45:54.159
need to go see an atropath and make sure that

867
00:45:54.679 --> 00:45:58.119
you're safe taking those things. But I think that's the

868
00:45:58.199 --> 00:46:00.599
message that I also wanted to get out, is that

869
00:46:00.719 --> 00:46:03.239
there is actually a lot of help out there. You know,

870
00:46:03.360 --> 00:46:05.639
people think, or women think that we have to just

871
00:46:05.719 --> 00:46:08.440
grin and bear it, and you don't. There's all sorts

872
00:46:08.440 --> 00:46:10.519
of stuff that can help you. You can do a

873
00:46:10.559 --> 00:46:13.760
mix of hit and hoble or whichever way you want

874
00:46:13.760 --> 00:46:15.840
to go. But there's a lot, a lot you can

875
00:46:15.920 --> 00:46:16.760
do well.

876
00:46:17.199 --> 00:46:20.599
I so appreciate you taking the time to talk to

877
00:46:20.639 --> 00:46:24.239
me today. I obviously love everything that you do and

878
00:46:24.400 --> 00:46:26.280
it has been such a pleasure talking to you.

879
00:46:26.320 --> 00:46:29.320
So thank you, you too, you too, thanks for having me.

880
00:46:32.480 --> 00:46:38.159
Allie's part memoir, Part manifesto, Queen Menopause is available right

881
00:46:38.199 --> 00:46:41.360
now wherever you get your books, and don't forget. If

882
00:46:41.400 --> 00:46:43.920
you love Crappy to Happy, please subscribe, leave us a

883
00:46:44.039 --> 00:46:46.559
rating and review, and come and follow me on socials.

884
00:46:46.599 --> 00:46:50.079
I'm at cast done underscore XO. I cannot wait to

885
00:46:50.119 --> 00:46:56.960
catch you in the next episode of Crappy to Happy.

886
00:46:57.599 --> 00:46:58.039
Listener