How Alison Brahe Daddo found her self confidence

0:02 A listener production. This is Crappita Happy and I am your host, Cas Dunn. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher and of course, author of the Crappita Happy books. In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy. In today's episode, I'm talking to Allison bray Dado. Alli is a screenwriter, podcaster, teacher, and a former model who appeared very regularly on the cover of Cosmo, Dolly and Clear magazines back in the nineties.

0:48 She was my hero and my inspiration. If you are around my age, I'm sure you will know who Allie is. Once a household name, she was much loved nationally, and she grew up alongside a generation of Ossie's. Allie has now written a book called Queen Menopause, which is a frank and compassionate companion to any woman experiencing menopause, as we all will eventually. In this episode, Allie reflects on her career, her experience with sexual assault. We talk a little about her confidence when she was younger, and how she eventually found more self confidence, and how mothering daughters is a completely different ballgame to mothering her son. Allie has led such a full life, She has so much wisdom to share, and she is very confident that her post menopausal years are set to be the best years of her life. I really think you'll enjoy my conversation with Ali Allie Daddo. Welcome to the Crappy to Happy Podcast.

1:55 Thank you for having me. Happy to be here. I will join a long line of fifty something year old women I'm fifty this year who absolutely idolized you as a teenager. I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times. You were up in my bedroom wall. You married Cameron Datto like you were every girl's teenage dream and inspiration. Were you kind of aware of that at the time as. A young woman, not in the slightest. I mean I sort of became a bit more aware of it when I met Cam, and I remember my modeling agency calling me up and said, just so you know, the papers have found out about you and Cameron Daddo. You know there's going to be a lot of interest around this, and you might get some press or some unwanted press in the sense of articles and what have you've written, And I was just I remember going wow, because I knew he was famous, but I really didn't consider myself famous.

2:54 I mean I clearly I'd done some things, and you know, I'd signed some autographs and stuff like that, but I was never in the big leagues in my mind. I mean to always say this that I look at someone like Elle McPherson and those supermodels, you know, the Christy Turlington's of the world, and to me, I was a very small fish in that pond. But it's it's only since you know, in the last few years of coming back to Australia where that lovely age group of women which you are in tell me, oh, yeah, you know, I had you on my wall and you know, so I was. I was that real teenage girl pin up which is really sweet, really really sweet.

3:34 So yeah you were, and then you disappeared, like you disappeared off to La with Cam and so many of us. I know, I was not the only one. We're so excited when you came back. It was like fair back. You two are like the Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt. I think for Australia like you were that couple, but we stayed together. Thank god there wasn't an Angeline and. Yes, yea, yeah, yeah yeah yeah no no Angelina and your story. Yeah no, we were very happy to be back now. Ali. I have read your book, absolutely loved it. It was really interesting to go back and read about your experience as being a young model. But you were very young. You were sixteen seventeen years old in.

4:19 A very adult world, dealing with situations that really you probably shouldn't have been in. And you tell a story in the book about what was actually quite a traumatic experience that you had while you were on a modeling assignment in Japan, which had a lasting impact on you. I wonder if you would mind sharing that story for our listeners. Yeah. It was my first time traveling and really living and working somewhere, certainly as a young model. So I had a two month contract and it was very Japan was really for the Australian models. It was where you could go earn a lot of money in those two months and then you'd come back and you could do that as many times as they take you. So I'd only been modeling. Oh my gosh, it was really soon after I started, maybe two three months, when that agency said would you like to come over? And so my agency was like, do you want to do it? And I was like, sure, yeah, I'll do it. And I was so naive. I really had no idea. I mean, I think back now, I was like, what the hell was I thinking to do that?

5:28 Will you maybe seventeen or something like that. I may have just turned seventeen. I think I had just turned And the fact that my mum and dad let me go, I wonder about that too. My dad really regrets it now, of course. But again it's just a very isolating, lonely experience. I didn't know anyone. I was in this sort of model barracks as they as I call it, which was just this building with studio apartments in it. It was like a bed and a kitchenette and that was it. And I was working three jobs a day, often every single day, week after week, and I kept on meeting this lovely English model. We sort of hit it off and she said you want to come to a party, and I was like sure, So off we went to this party and we were just hadn't been there long at all, and I was sitting on the couch and these two guys just came straight up to me, picked me up, shoved me in a cupboard which was in the middle of the party, and started groping, kissing, hands up the shirts, hand down the pants, and I was screaming and yelling and screaming and yelling and no one, It's like, no one could hear me, No one was listening until this one guy, another model, American model, came over and pulled the guys off and said, get off her. You know what are you doing? Get off her. So he came to save me, and I was just an utter shock, as was my girlfriend.

6:53 He just said, you want me to take you home? And I said, yeah, I do. I want to go home. To get home, we had to take public transport and do a bit of walking. So we talked and talked, and he was really lovely and he was a boxer, professional boxer. And he got me back to my apartment and then said, you know, he wanted to come in, and I was like no, and he said, yeah, I'm going to come in. And so once he was inside, it was clear what he wanted to do. And I was saying no, no, no, no, no, no, but he raped me anyway. You know, as I've say in the book, I let it happen because he was a very strong fellow.

7:35 He let it happen. I just let that happen. And then after he left, I packed that experience and packed it away as hard as I possibly could, for as long as I possibly could. But obviously it made a massive impact on me, which I didn't understand at the time how much of an impact it made. Yeah, how did it impact you? In hindsight? It made me scared of a lot of things. It made me quite scared of men in a lot of ways. It made me frightened to be in my own sexuality, to be in my own skin in a lot of ways.

8:15 It made me scared to draw attention to myself. And then hit there I was as a model, So that was part of that dichotomy with modeling, where I loved it, but it was scary, like, oh my god, someone's recognized me, or someone's seen me, or am I now going to be injured in some way, shape or form. And it set up this challenge with anything sensual for me, like it was to be sexy was dangerous. That is not something that you want to be And again I didn't understand that that was how I was feeling as well. It was really weird though. Just last week I was in Melbourne by myself, and I think this is another connection to that trauma. I was in Melbourne by myself.

8:59 There was this day and I was walking around on my own and I started feeling really young and terrified, and I just was having all these flashes of Japan and I was like, oh, my gosh, that's still part of that trauma that you perhaps haven't worked through. I've done a lot of therapy. All of a sudden, I was like, this does not feel good being on my own in a place that's not my home. So I was like, dang, I think that's connected to that as well, you know. Yeah, And it just it stays in you, doesn't it, And then it can resurface it. But the most. Random things, yeah, can trigger that. I was talking to some people I've been running some workshops and talking a lot lately about trauma as well, and talking about how so much of our experience and so much of what gets triggered us is it comes from our nervous system, like it doesn't even come from our conscious brain.

9:49 There is something internally. Buried in the deepest recesses of our brain, some fragment or flicker or a smell like you said, or something that reminds us of something trigger something in our nervous system, which then causes our body to react. And so we so often try to make sense of these things with our rational thinking mind. Yeah, and it just doesn't work. You've got to just deal with that at that nervous system level before that. Is, you know, and there might always be something that brings it up. It just becomes how do you manage that and acknowledge that with compassion and you know, with some self kindness, because I think then what people in my experience can tend to do is get really like, oh.

10:32 My god, I thought I was over that. I dealt with that. Why am I still carrying on like this? I should be over this by now. Yeah, And it's just not It's just not good or healthy. You know, We've got to be kind to ourselves. So and Ali, you didn't talk about that for a long time. Eventually you did. I was just going to ask you, how did you eventually kind of recover from that? And now you've just gone on to tell me, well, maybe there is a part of you that you know still hasn't fully but generally speaking in terms of those effects that you noticed, and how you your sense of feeling safe in the world, in intimate relationships, et cetera, Like, how did you eventually recover from that? It was another ten ten to twelve years later that I actually finally spoke it out loud. It's a long time to keep that a secret, and it was with a therapist, and I don't even know why I said it.

11:26 It was I think, well, also because I had held it in this very odd place that I still held it as it was my fault, because my idea of rape is when you fight, you're fighting someone off, like that's sort of the movie version of rape, and it is rape as well, and it's what a lot of women experience to that violent rape. And it wasn't violent in the sense because I just let it happen. So I was like, oh, it was my fault. I also mentioned in the book that those two guys who picked me up from the couch, which was the onset of that, was a sexual assault anyway, and they actually said, you asked for it, you know, and we'll look at what you wear and you asked for it, which, as I mentioned, I was wearing a pair of jeans, a long sleeved black T shirt that was slightly cropped. That's what I was wearing, and a pair of black loafers like vivid as Day. I know exactly what I was wearing. That was sort of another thing to think that somehow I had caused that to happen, and that I was on my own. I shouldn't have gone to the party, or that all the what I shouldn't have done. So it wasn't until I spoke it out loud that the therapist said, you were so brave and you did exactly what you needed to do in order to survive that situation. She said, imagine what could have happened to you if you had a fought back. And it wasn't until she said that that was the first step in healing to go wasn't my fault. What I actually did was I saved myself

13:00 from perhaps being really brutalized. There was tears, There was you know, there was a lot of exploring it. There was a lot of working through the effects of that, how it had affected me. You know, in the present moment how it played itself out with other relationships. The next step was talking to Cam about it, you know, so he could understand me a little better. I did tell my mom and dad, so that was another step. Gosh, how is that? Yeah? You know, it was actually really hard for my dad because it was at step two separate occasions. And my dad was a magistrate, So for him, you know, thinking that his daughter, you know, his youngest daughter, had gone through something like that and he's someone that you know, would prosecute people like that, was was really hard for him.

13:50 So it was certainly shocking, for sure. But the more I spoke about it in a lot of ways, and this is why you know, we all you know, as you know, with the the Me Too movement is having women getting to hear their voices, to get to have their story told. That something that they've kept in the closet, under the bed, in a box, you know, in a shameful place, that you put words to it, and then you're here, you know how common it is, which is unfortunate, but how many women do have stories the same It was, Yeah, it was putting a voice to it, getting angry and removing the blame from myself was that was the biggest healer for me, was knowing that I had nothing to do with what happened to me. And I really appreciate you sharing that because I think it is so helpful to other women who have been through similar experiences. And exactly as you say, well, I didn't fight, like I just kind of let it happen, But in actual fact, what else could you do in that moment?

14:50 And so that doesn't make it your fault? How has that impacted because you've got daughters, right, Alie as well? Yeah, Lag, I have a sixteen year old daughter. She's the most trusting, friendly, Like she's an only child, so I think she's possibly a little sheltered, not very street wise either. We've just moved to London, so we're in a foreign country. She's meeting all of these friends, sixteen seventeen year olds, and you know, she just wants to recreate that whole you know, her group of friends that she had in Australia. How do you kind of warn. Your kids, I'm the psychologist you're asking you kind of warn your kids about the potential dangers in the world without putting fear into them, Like that's the constant battle that I have. How have you navigated that having had that experience yourself.

15:36 And here's what makes me so angry about that question is that because I have a son as well, and I have had to have the conversations that I have with my daughters are completely different to what I have to have with my son. And that kisses me off because you know, I have a sixteen year old as well, that's my youngest. My eldest is twenty six. And she was going to a concert and she was going to the other night, and she was going to be in the mosh pit, and we had to figure out what she was going to wear to be safe in that wash pit. I don't have to have that conversation with my son. I've never had to have that conversation with my son. No, And I said to her, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry that we have to figure out how you can be safe in making sure that what you're wearing is not going to get you groped. Like it's just awful.

16:28 Infuriating because she should be able to wear whatever she likes, right, Like I have the same thoughts. I have those same conversations, and then I am checking myself saying what message are my sending? Am I telling her not to you know, if by telling her not to wear that, am I somehow implying that if something happens, that's her faultful, you know what I mean? It's that, Yes, it's that conundrum. Absolutely, And you can't get a hold of the men and the young the young men around her to say, don't you dare touch my child? So how do you go? Have fun, sweetheart, but just be really careful and don't you know, make sure you go to the bathroom of someone and you know, make sure anything that you drink is it left on the ground and someone puts something in your drink. I mean it's like, oh my god.

17:10 So yeah, it's really finding a good balance. Look, it's I must say, having moved from LA to Australia, there's a sense of safety. Not that, of course, that she is one hundred percent safe anywhere in the world, but it's a lot better here than it was in LA, that's for sure. At least we're not dealing with is she going to get shot if she goes somewhere, And it's just so much more with girls with young girls. But it's that constant, like fine line, it's so true of like, yes, honey, she's such an independent kid anyway though, I even no matter what I said, no matter how I said it, that kid would be out partying anyway.

17:50 She's just like ready to eat the world. Like she's just that's the way she is. And my eldest, you know, she actually grew up. She's got it. She's quite an anxious kid anyway, So she's now only just discovering that there's a bigger world out there for her to sort of try. And you know, sample because she's been very afraid of a lot of things. And I think that that was me as a mum, being a firstborn, that I sort of very much kept her. I was more nervous as a mum and oh, you can't do that, you can't do this. And you know, by the third child, she's just like, yeah, I can do that. I can. You know, we always say even at the age of two, we were like with body, my younger, she's like, this will be the kid that'll be jumping out of an airplane naked in the Amazon jungle for fun. It's great fun. Mom, thought I'd give it a whirl.

18:39 I only ever had the one child, so I never got to that relaxed mom stage. I'm still a nervous mind. I know, I understand it. I can see it in your face when you talk about her. It's like, yeah, I get it. I get it. God so hard. Coming to you have lived such a big, interesting life, Like, whether you realize it or not, that you have lived such a you know, I've had so many great experiences. You've just written a book where you have talked about a lot of these experiences, and the book is called Queen Menopause, And obviously, like that's the time. Of life that we're all in. But I'm really curious to know, like why menopause, Like what is it about this time of life that kind of prompted this book and this sharing and this you know, talking about your experience.

19:23 Yeah, I just I just was in so much shock about menopause and all the symptoms and why I had never heard about it, Why my mam had never shared about it, My two sisters had never shared about it. All my friends in LA who were much older than me, never shared about it. And I was so challenged by it. I was so I was having such a horrible time and I just was like, wait, hang on, what do you mean this is my life right now that I've tripled in size. I can't sleep, my mood swings are horrific, libido's gone, my skin's all dry. Like it was just like, wait up, hold on.

20:13 I'm just going tick tick tick as you say, all those things are going yet yeah check check exactly. And I just was like, this is not cool. This is not cool. We need to be talking about this, We need to be sharing our stories, and we need to know what help is there out there, you know, because I always say when you google menopause, it is just it is awful, Like it's the most depressing subject if you google it. But and as I kept writing and talking to more women and talking to women who are postmenopausal and hearing about how fabulous their life was, and so many times it was like, this is the best time of my life.

20:54 I'm now fifty five or sixty sixty two, and I've never felt better, felt healthier, I don't give a fuck about anything. And I was just like, this is what we actually really need to hear. We need to hear about this side so we know what's coming that's good and we can use that as our rope to climb up to to go. This is okay, we're just in this for a little bit. We can find the help we need. We can share what we're feeling because where we're headed is actually okay. Where we're headed is actually really good. So that was what really I really wanted a book like that out there for me because I needed that information as well. So I was like, well, I'll just I'll just give it a go. I'll write one myself. So that's where it came from.

21:43 I mean, you went through a dark time, right, You've mentioned that you got really depressed, and not every woman does get depressed. And one thing that I also noticed reading your. Book is that you said you felt kind of this expectation or this responsibility to remain youthful, because that's how everybody perceived you, particularly in Australia where we all grew up with you, I guess. But then at the. Same time you talked about like dumbing yourself down or making a point of telling other women that you're not that bright actually because you didn't want them to feel insecure around you because you were the pretty one. You know, you're the ex model. And I'm just wondering what kind of impact must that have had on your own mental health? Like I'm the beautiful one, but I'm not really feeling that beautiful anymore.

22:25 And at the same time, I'm telling everybody that I'm not feeling I'm actually not that smart. So how did that impact your self confidence and your self worth? I mean, that was one of the carryovers from modeling that I still deal with that today. It still comes up for me. And as I mentioned in the book, you know a friend that I made that was really helpful for me while I was writing the book, another woman, and so I had no one to really kind of share it with because all my friends were back in America and it was just really really challenging, and she said, I'll read it. So we started going on these walks and she said, you know, you've told me about three times at your high school dropout, like why do you keep telling me that? And it was that place again in me where I'm trying to make the other woman comfortable in case they feel they think that I'm prettier than them, which I don't think that at all. So I'm going to dumb myself down and put hang shit on myself so you feel more comfortable around me, Like it was this whole weird turning thing that was only happening in my head because she had none of that going on whatsoever. But it came from a lot of challenges that I had as a model making female friendships, and I lost some girlfriends when I started modeling. They no longer wanted anything to do with me because they felt like I would change. Even before I'd even started, they were I don't want to anything to deal with you if you're going to be a model. I used to get like these packs of girls that would tail

23:55 me if I walked down the street, calling out really horrific things to me. Really yeah, And I was, you know, sixteen seventeen, and they would shout across the street how ugly I really was, and you think, you're so full of this and full of that and you're not that pretty, And that was really horrific for me. So I just constantly was like trying to sort of be not the pretty one but still modeling. I mean, it was just this weird mix of things. So, yeah, female friendships but tricky. I have two sisters that I know it was hard for them with me being having the career that I had and being in the limelight that sort of put a bit of a challenging place in We're great now, but for a long time that put a real wedge in my relationship with them. So everywhere I went modeling seemed to damage my relationship with women.

24:48 And you know, while you're talking about that and that experience is your experience based on what you went through, I'm thinking about all the other women who have gone through something similar, you know, whether they were the really smart one at school or you know. I talked to damiim the other day and she in her book wrote about how people didn't like her when she got really good at the piano and became successful with her music. Like, it's just women feeling they. Need to make themselves smaller to make other people feel better, Which brings me to anger. Alie, you talk about anger in the feelings of rage. I get PMS like anybody, but I don't recall ever being really cranky and moody and getting PMS when I was lying on a sun bed by a pool in Fiji on holidays. I feel like hormones exacerbate the existing stress or bring to the forefront all of the things that were already angry about.

25:42 Do you feel like your experience of anger, which can be very healthy, was really just an accumulation of all of that stuff that you had squashed for a really long time. Yeah, definitely, definitely. And it was certainly stirred viciously by hormones. And there was certain anger outbursts that really were completely unnecessary, that were absolutely solely fueled by hormones that made absolutely no sense. Even as I'm like so angry about whatever it was, my brain's also going, this does not make any sense why you're so angry, Like, you know, being angry it's sort of indigenous rights or environmental issues or like getting passionate about that. Okay, I can hang with all that, but yeah, certain things were like why am I so mad about this? This makes this is not something to waste my anger on at all. So yeah, it was a weird one for me, for someone who had had very little anger in her life, being a self professed nice girl and people pleaser. But I very much embraced my anger now and many years of bottling that up. I'm sure that's why it's coming out sideway and upside down, And at one thousand and one percent and you know all that stuff.

27:05 And again I would say, you know, I doubt that you would be the only one, which is why it's so important that you've written this book and that you're sharing your experience, because I think, you know, women universally are told that anger is unacceptable. Men can be angry, makes them really strong and good leaders and whatever. Women no, not acceptable. You look at it across the board, you know, particularly women politicians. You know, I remember seeing this documentary on Hillary Clinton, like in the balance this woman had to go through to be able to speak. Was she going to sound like a shrew? Was she going to sound like a bitch? Was she going to sound not passionate enough? Did she not have enough emotion? Was she too cold?

27:47 I mean, we don't do that with men. We don't do that, but we do it with women. And when women get angry, it's like, oh, no, one likes an angry woman. You know, so well, do bad? Too bad. We're angry and we've got a lot to say. That's what I say. I hope that you're enjoying this conversation and realizing the benefits of positivity in your own life. If you are enjoying the show, Please be sure to like and subscribe so that you get notified when you EPs drop and head on over to Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. And leave us a rating and review.

28:33 Obviously, as the mother the major arc and your family go through metopause, everybody around you goes through it with you. How did it impact your relationship? It was really challenging. It was really hard for the both of us, and especially for Cam. Even though I was writing a book and I was able to start to make sense of what was happening and I was able to sort of drip feed him some information that I was finding out, but it was really difficult because I was so confused and shocked for a long time, and so I couldn't articulate what I was really feeling. And sure as hell, he didn't know what the hell was going on with me. He just saw me really fall apart and not want to get out out of bed some days, and really pushed him away, very very hard.

29:19 I didn't want to be in the same bed as him. I didn't want to have affection from him. It really did a real job on libido and all of that sort of thing. So I really needed to be left alone, but then I didn't want to be left alone, so it was very confusing. Yeah, we had to do We had to do a lot of work. We saw a therapist, and the more I understood, the more I shared, the more we communicated. We've had so many years together and we've had so much therapy together. We leaned, we leaned back on all of our past history and made it through. I was going to ask you about that too, Like you've been really open about when you went to LA and had some rocky times in your marriage. I think you even separated for a brief time you in the early days of your marriage, and you've talked both talked about therapy individually and as a couple. America has such a different approach to therapy, Like it's not stigmatized.

30:12 Everybody's got a therapist. Do you think it was a. Real benefit being there at that time so that we don't have access here, But it's just a different attitude towards therapy. I don't think we would have seen a therapist in Australia at that age we were at We were very young, and as you say, it was just the normal thing to do. People just went oh, go see a therapist, and we were all like yeah, you know, like okay, all right, we'll do that. But I just don't think we would have done that in Australia. I think it would have blown apart and we would have just stayed blown apart. Like we've often talked about that that we wouldn't have stayed together. I don't think had we had, that have happened in Australia. It's a very very very common thing over there, and it has become a lot more common here, which I'm really grateful for because you know, Cam and I are huge, huge proponents of therapy because to have someone else to talk to and then to have, you know, particularly in a relationship if it's gone south, that you've got a third person that can sort of step in and figure some things out for you and make things clear, you know, and possibly save the.

31:23 Marriage and as you say, help you to develop that self awareness and that understanding and the skills early on that down the track you can fall back on. I was reflecting, like, you've been married, you and Cam I think have been together thirty years. So many couples hit. Something like this like this kind of time of life where women start getting angry, start being resentful about all the things and that's the end because they don't have that background. Yeah, it's a very high rate, very high rate of divorce. And I don't know what that the percentage is, which is interesting because is it they couldn't make it work because menopause created such a wedge because she was feeling uncomfortable with it and sort of got the shame spiral and he wasn't getting you know, the communication and the sex life that he always had and that blew him apart?

32:15 Or is it that she finally woke up and when I had been married to an asshole for you know, twenty years and I am out of here. I deserve something better, Like I don't know which side of the spectrumen it is, but it is really quite common. Yeah, it could be any one of the above, but I think, you know, I think therapy and that opportunity to have at least having the ability and the skills you're able to talk through it, you could at least have a better idea of like what actually was going on exactly? Yeah, what is actually happening? Is it me? Is it him? Is it us? What do I want more, can he give me more? Or yeah, all those things. And you've obviously done some real recalibrating, like this has really led to you doing some real recalibrating in your relationship.

32:57 You've said you have been the one that has really supported the family, you know, supported his career, done your own thing, obviously. I mean, I think my marriage is probably similar. I have my own career, but we've definitely like we've moved into state multiple times because I've followed my husband where he goes. I've worked part time so that I can be home with our daughter because he travels so much. Like we're both independent and do our thing, but definitely it's all molded around him. Yeah. How has Cam kind of coped with that? With you kind of saying Okay, that's it, I'm not doing that anymore, it's time, it's Ali time now. Yeah. That was a huge adjustment for him because I had been like, yes, let's do this, Yes, whatever you need, Yeah, I'll support you, I'll do this, yep, yep. And it's not that he wasn't supportive of me doing my own thing, and he was always very supportive of that. It was just the way I was in the marriage I was, you know, marriage in kid's husband came first. That's what you do, That's what a good wife does. So whatever he needed, I was there to support him, and until I went, hang on a minute, it actually I have a lot more needs than I realized, and thank god I realized. And yeah, so now he knows. He's just like, honey, are you going to come to this? No, I'm not going to come to it, all right, I'm going by myself.

34:17 Yes you are. I have a good time, sweetheart. I think it's you know, we've been together for so long, and I think it's sort of sometimes it's a little challenging, but he also likes it at the same time, like he likes my independence that I've created for myself. It's sometimes that can be a real burden for the other partner as well, feeling like, oh, gosh, I can't do this, you know, what's our doing because she's she needs to be here and she's going to be sad if I do this. You know, all of that kind of stuff that was part of our marriage too. So I think that, you know, he feels very really comfortable doing his own thing, and I'm comfortable doing my own thing, and I think it's there's a huge freedom in that. Now.

34:57 Yeah, that's a good place to be. One thing, I was really struck by an idea that you mentioned in the book. I'm a big believer in the whole mind body connection. I know that you are too. I think even the phrase mind body connections suggests that these are two separate things. I think they're one thing completely, and that in cultures where aging women aging is kind of older women i'm sorry, are revered, they actually experience less of the painful menopausal symptoms. How interesting is that that the way we think about an experience literally affects how we have that experience, how it actually affects us physically.

35:39 Yeah, And of course, you know, going back to the beginning of the conversation, even I think you know us in the Western world. I mean, we're not only are we up against our own thoughts, but we're up against the constant programming we've had since we were in puberty or even before that pretty is skinny, pretty as young, Pretty is no lines on your face. That's what's attracted to the opposite sex as well, and that's the value of women. So you've got all of that already. So to try and then believe enough in yourself to go. This aging thing is a wondrous, magical thing, and I feel wise and powerful as I age, you know. I think that it's a fantastic thing if you can get there, And that's where I want everyone to get there, and it's where I've been very much working towards myself. But I'm like, Wow, imagine growing up in a culture where the older you get, the more revered, the more exalted you are, And it's like Wow, becoming that aged woman and the end of your cycle is something that you celebrate because it is you are fully in your wise woman years. And I was like, what would that be like?

36:48 That would be amazing, you know. So yeah, of course those symptoms would be seen as something that we're connected to a real positive aspect, and that's something that we've yet to get to for sure. Far from it. I would like to think that by the time my daughter and your daughter get to our age that maybe we're a bit closer to that. Allie, let's talk about what are some of the really good things about reaching this time in life. You talk about heightened. Intuition, creativity, more space in your life, Like what for you, having now gone through it and come out the other side of it, what are the really good things? Yeah, it's I mean there's quite a few things, and some of them are more subtle than others. You know, when I talk about feeling, you know, this sense of freedom, it's sort of an overlay of a word that sort of cuts into so many different aspects. And of course, yes, you've got the freedom of no periods anymore. I was just walking down the supermarket aisle today, actually going shopping, and I walk through the r with all the period products and I'm like, I don't have to buy these anymore.

37:54 I can worry about that, I don't have cramping or stained underwear. I'm like, just that. I'm like, that's cool. I like that. But for me, the biggest, the biggest, biggest thing, because I've never ever had it in my whole life, is actually understanding what self care is and actually taking action on. Self care and really going to myself first every day and saying what do I need for myself today and working to give that to myself. And that is just momentously huge for me. Like it's just it still blows my mind that I'm now doing that for myself having had so many years of never considering that in just so many ways. So I just feel like there's so so many more possibilities for me now, where before I used to feel like, oh, I can't do this since it's too late for that, and oh, I'll just wait till I got this going before I can do that.

38:55 Now I'm just like, yeah, let's give this a go. Let's see if this will work. Let's throw some time at that. And if it doesn't work, that's fine. I'm fine with it not working, but I'm not fine with it not giving it a go. Like that's very different for me, And I feel like if I wanted to shift and try a different career right now at the age of fifty three, I would be totally fine with that, and that's really exciting. So that whole take on life now is very very different for me. I mean, you know, yeah, my kids are older now, so they're pretty much independent, so that's also part of that, because I do have more time for myself. But yeah, it's sort of just molding and creating my life for the second half of my life and how I want to be and how I want to take it head on and Yeah, that's just been the best change for me for sure, because I've just never had that.

39:55 Yeah, that's amazing. And strangely this was news to me that all of those symptoms they like the hot flushes and the mood swings and you know, the uncomfortable physical things that people experience like that all got the brain fog. For me, it's the brain fog. It's the not remembering. Words and like, oh, the worst that that all goes away, that it comes back, the brain comes back and sleep comes back. Yeah, look, it doesn't not. I mean, look, I can't say it's. Just managing my expectations now.

40:35 I can't guarantee that for everyone, and I can't guarantee that it all comes back. But I mean the difference that I feel from you know, three years ago to now is night and day, night and day. So yeah, and look, and that's been again, that's been something that I've sought help for and it's been something that I've definite worked towards having that as well, because you know, some women do get caught in that I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm old, and life is just crap now and I hate my life. I mean, some women do get caught in that. So it's reaching out of that sort of thing you do sometimes need to go. Actually, I'm not going to live in that space, Like no, I'm not going to be not going to go down that spiral and stay stay at the bottom of that pit. So you know, the symptoms do absolutely take a back seat, take a total back seat. So I haven't had I mean, I haven't had a hot flush in a good eighteen months. Yeah, my moods are much more stable. Sleep can still be a bit elusive. I'm still working on the sleep, the sleep part of it. Brain fog is definitely better, I mean, so yeah, all the body aches are gone. So yeah, it's very different, very different to where I was. There's so much light.

42:06 I saw a GP at one point when this brain this it wasn't even just brain fog. It was like complete like cognitive impairment. It was like I would be having a conversation like this and like I lost what I was just about to say, Like that would happen to me, And I saw a GP and she actually she asked how old I was, And this was maybe twelve months ago, so I'm fifty now, And she actually said to me like you would be a candidate for hormone therapy if you chose to, and was She really positioned it in that particularly because of my job and that it requires me to be cognitively like focused. And she mentioned to me that she had some other clients, you know, patients who were in like lawyers or you know, professional careers who again just really couldn't couldn't function with that sort of brain kind of and so that they had taken it for that reason. It turned out she actually said to me, let's just check all your blood levels first and see if there's something else going on.

43:08 And I was low in iron and B twelve and zinc, and we topped up all of those things and it actually things really improved. But it was nice to know for me that that was still an option should I choose to go down that path. So there are various options available to people that help with those symptoms. I wanted to share. I guess that in your book. You've got an exhaustive list ali of things that can help. What are some of the things for you particularly that helped you to get through I guess just to wrap. Up, yeah, well, I'm so glad that your GP had you do the blood work, because that's a huge thing. That's what every good GP should actually do when a woman our age comes to them and say, let's do your blood work first, because that was what I had.

43:52 I had a hormone specialist, a GP too that went, okay, let's see where your blood levels at. And it was exactly the same thing. I was low. Indeed, I was owned zinc, I was low in OH, a bunch of other things. And as soon as I started getting my body balanced, yeah, the symptoms immediately dropped. So I was like, huh. And again I went the naturopathic way because that has been my way since I was a little girl. I've always been a naturopathic person. But I want to make it clear that HIT is the best, like it has been life saving for so many women. Not every woman can take it because it does mess a little bit sometimes with their bodies and if you had some cancer, you know, you can't take it. People think that because I'm naturopathic, that I'm against HIT, and I'm definitely not against it because I feel like, again, it's your body.

44:45 You do exactly what is going to make you feel the best, you know, So I think it's I think that's really important. But I had my naturopaths. She had gave me something called Gabba Gaba, which was really good for mood. She had me on like all sorts of different tonics for anxiety, herbal stuff to help me sleep, And she's really amazing with hormones as well, so was every time I went to see her, She's like, yeah, your hormones are a nightmare right now. They're all over the place. But more than anything, what I loved about her is that she's just the kindest lady. So she would spend an hour with me and she would just let me talk and cry, and she'd be like, Okay, we can help you with that. I've got something for that, you know. So even if it was a placebo pill, it just was the fact that I believed so much in her and her kindness that I just immediately felt better seeing her. I listed quite a few of those things in there that helped me herbal wise, and you know, they again, they don't work for everyone, and you do need to go see an atropath and make sure that you're safe taking those things. But I think that's the message that I also wanted to get out, is that there is actually a lot of help out there. You know, people think, or women think that we have to just grin and bear it, and you don't. There's all sorts of stuff that can help you. You can do a mix of hit and hoble or whichever way you want to go. But there's a lot, a lot you can

46:15 do well. I so appreciate you taking the time to talk to me today. I obviously love everything that you do and it has been such a pleasure talking to you. So thank you, you too, you too, thanks for having me. Allie's part memoir, Part manifesto, Queen Menopause is available right now wherever you get your books, and don't forget. If you love Crappy to Happy, please subscribe, leave us a rating and review, and come and follow me on socials. I'm at cast done underscore XO. I cannot wait to catch you in the next episode of Crappy to Happy.

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