How change happens

0:04 This is Crappita Happy and I am your host, Cas Dounn. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher and of course author of the Crappia Happy books. In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy. Hello and welcome to another solo episode of Crappya Happy. Thank you so much for being here. It's coming to the end of January and what I have tried to share this past month are some ideas about how you can set yourself up for success in twenty twenty four in terms of how to set really good goals and the kinds of things you should be thinking about when you think about how you want to live perhaps better this year than you have in the past. I've also shared with you some really great guests that've had some value to share in terms of habits you should focus on how you can spend your money in order to increase your fulfillment in life.

1:18 That was a great episode and some of the psychology around making habits stick once you know what it is that you need to do, then how do you make sure. That you actually do it? And I wanted to follow on from that now because we're coming to the end of January and it's around the time for some people. Maybe you started to make some changes or you were thinking about goals and the wheels have already come. Off, because that's what happens. Maybe it's that you're only now with routines starting to come back in kids going back to school, perhaps going back to work after some holidays, that you're now starting to really think about what you want to put in place. What I wanted to share. Today is basically how change works. The process of change.

2:01 Just one particular model of change that I learned all the way way way back when I was first training to be a coaching psychologist in the early two thousands, Yes, way back then, and I have shared it with clients many times over the years, and it's really helpful to be able to conceptualize the stages that people typically go through when they are trying to make a change, change a habit, or work towards a goal. You know, needing to do something different from what you would normally be doing. So let's talk about that, and hopefully by the end of this you can identify where you are on the change model, on the change wheel, and you might have some ideas about how you can continue to move forward and what to expect us you go through this process, because everybody goes through the same process, and so normalizing that and understanding that, I think can be super, super helpful.

2:54 So the model that I want to share is called the trends theoretical model of change, and it was developed by two people by the names of Preshsca and Di Clemente back in the nineteen seventies, and they originally were looking at smokers and how people who had quit smoking there was a lot of smoking back in the seventies. How people had successfully. Quit smoking without any outside help, and what differentiated those people in the stages that they went through in basically extinguishing that behavior and breaking that habit. Since then, over the years, this same model has been applied to lots of different populations going through lots of different changes. It is often used when we're talking about breaking addictions, but any sort of change behavior, change that you want to make, it applies. So let's jump straight into what are the stages and what can you expect at each of those stages of change. So first of all, I want you to visualize this model as a circle. It's a wheel, okay.

3:57 So you know when we think about change, just how we think about it in our head. If we think about the. Change process, we maybe consider that there's a start point and then we kick off and start along our merry way making our change, and then somewhere at the other end of this straight line, we come at the other end and we're a changed person. We've got a new habit, we're doing something new, we've achieved our goal. Obviously, that is not typically how it works for most people. Maybe you've seen things. Online, you know, squiggles and drawings about how the change process actually works, and it's actually more stop, start, up, down, forward back, which is really much more realistic. But they always still seem to have a beginning point, you know, on this end of the screen, and an end point over on the other side. So to start off with, we are turning all of that upside down and we are visualizing this thing as a circle. Right from the get go. This is a process that you can imagine you might go around and around and around as many people of them do before they actually get off the circle and exit because they have made the change that they want to make. So the first stage, which is kind of not even a stage, it's a pre stage.

5:11 It is called pre contemplation, so pre meaning before and contemplation meaning thinking about something. When you're in pre contemplation, as you can imagine, that means that you are not even thinking about making a change. So it's not even on the radar. Maybe there are other people who think you should make a change. Maybe people are suggesting that you might want to do something different. Maybe a doctor or a partner or a friend is suggesting that maybe you need to cut out some particular behavior that they don't think is very good for you. But as far as you're. Concerned, not an issue. It could be that you just don't want to make the change. It could be that there is a level of denial that you don't want to look at this. But regardless, you're not really thinking that this is something that you are interested in or willing to do. You're not on the circle yet. The minute that you step onto the circle and you think, hmm, maybe actually I do need to do something different. Maybe I do need to break this habit, or maybe there is a goal that I want to achieve. I want to lose some weight, I want to do some things different with my finance has become a better saver. I want to be better, more present in my relationship. I need to spend less time on screens. I need to watch less TV. I need to I don't know what it is, whatever it is that you want to make a change. As soon as you start to think, hmm, maybe I should maybe I should cut back a bit,

6:41 maybe I should do something different, then you have entered contemplation. So you've gone from pre contemplation. Now you're in contemplation. So contemplation is characterized by a lot of this will I or won't tie. This is the weighing up the options, weighing up the pros, and is it really going to be worth it to make all of this effort and to achieve this thing that I want to achieve When I'm. Actually pretty comfortable? How I am? You know? This change is difficult. Change is challenging doing things differently, stopping doing things that I'm enjoying doing starting doing things that I'm probably not going to enjoy. This is all on the table during contemplation, do I really want this? So?

7:25 The thing to remember about contemplation is that it is characterized by a lot of ambivalence. Ambivalence is will I won't I. If you can imagine that you are standing on a seesaw, remember as a kid, sometimes you would stand on a sea saw with one foot on either side, and you're kind of balancing that seesaw upright, So keeping it from going in too far in one direction or the other. That's ambivalence, That just keeping things as they are. I don't know which side I'm going to land on this. When you're in ambivalence, you haven't yet moved to a decision point. I want to give you the suggestion if you're a person, if you're a coach, well, if you're a coach, you probably know this already. But if you're a coach or a therapist, the important thing to understand about the contemplation stage is not to try to force somebody into a decision. When somebody is very invested in just weighing up the options and they're in ambivalence, putting too much pressure. If you force them down one side on that seesaw, then what they're most likely to do is bounce straight back because they're invested in keeping these scales balanced.

8:34 They're still in that will I or won't I. That also goes for if you're a partner or a friend or a family member of somebody who is contemplating change. Too much pressure, too much forcing somebody into a decision when they're still in that contemplation stage can really backfire. It's really important to be engaging somebody or engaging yourself, even if this is you in really deeply considering the pros and cons. In therapy and in coaching, there are certain ways that we can ask questions that will draw out really the deep the benefits, what some of the motivations might be for changing, what some of the consequences or challenges might be if they don't make that change.

9:20 We can help to guide people towards making a decision for themselves that they then feel invested in. They feel like they own that they haven't been forced or pressured into making that decision and making that change, because that is not a good start. If somebody feels like they're only doing something because somebody else is forcedamor wants them to do that. So that's an important thing to understand. So assuming that, then from the contemplation stage, somebody decides, Yep, nope, this is it. I'm going to do this. This is important to me. It's because of I've got something that really matters to me. There's a change that I want to make or a goal that I want to achieve because it's aligned with my values. Remember, all of this is really important in making change stick, making it last.

10:01 Then what happens is we move into preparation, sometimes called determination. So it's preparation, it's the preparation stage is determining that I'm going to do something different, And in this stage we are gathering resources. This is like, Okay, what information do I need? What are the tools that I need? What are the resources that I need? How do I set myself up here before I've launched into any kind of action, before I've actually started to make the change, how do I start preparing myself. This is preparing me mentally, preparing me emotionally, it's preparing my environment. So if you skip on this stage, it can really have disastrous effects if you try to jump too quickly into making a change and you haven't really done this preparation stage. Properly, it can lead to it can lead to failure. So really encourage you. If you're in this preparation stage, you've decided you want to make a change, take your time with this. Really think about what is it that I'm going to need to support me as I start to do something different in my life. Let's say that you want to really do something different with your finances. It might be engaging an accountant, talking to a financial advisor, going and getting a book, listening to some podcasts, finding out best strategies for investment. How do I pay down debt?

11:19 Where do I get the cheapest, best credit card so that I can transfer my debt with zero percent? Whatever it is. If you want to lose weight, what am I going to do? What's the program I'm going to follow? What's going to be my strategy my approach to this. So really thinking about gathering up your resources. Then it's setting up your environment. Setting up your environment is key to success, and that includes the people in your environment too. Who am I going to tell about what it is that I want to achieve? How do I enlist other peoples for support and for accountability? So that's preparation. Once you have completed the preparation stage, then you move into the next stage. So we're going around the now. So we've jumped onto the circle in contemplation, we've come around the circle into preparation, and then we move into action. So when we're in action, that is when we are actively making a change. We are doing the thing we said we were going to do. We've started the process.

12:18 Now. The important thing about the action stage is that it's again this is the bit where it is not linear and having any expectation that once you go into action, that's it. I'm just going to go from A to Z and out the other side and I've achieved my goal. Highly unrealistic, highly unlikely, because there's a lot of stuff that can come up. A lot of stuff starts to come up once you're in the action stage. In the action stage, it's really. Important to recognize that this is an experiment. What you're doing is you're trying on a new behavior. You're reviewing what works, what doesn't work, what went well, giving yourself the opportunity to take feed back and learnings. So if something if you don't stick to what you said you were going to do, one week, what went wrong.

13:06 This is where it's. Really important to approach this without any judgment and to be a bit of a scientist and to be a bit of an experimenter. Also to celebrate the little successes, to focus on small changes, not trying to overhaul your whole life at once, but taking small actions, seeing how that feels, letting that become a new habit. These micro commitments, microactions really important, and then celebrating the success, really acknowledging the progress that you are making along the way. A lot of trial error, review, feedback, and gradual, gradual incremental change in this action phase. Now here's the thing. The next stage on the circle is relapse. This is the bit that nobody wants to hear. This is where people come undone. So this is I mean, I've been making change, I've been doing so well. I've been doing all the things that I said that I was going to do.

14:01 I've been feeling really good about myself. And then I have a blowout. Then I fall off the wagon. Then I slip up, and I go straight back into my old habits, my old ways. For many people, this is obviously frustrating, it's disappointing. It's full of self judgment, self criticism, frustration, like the thinking is that I never finish anything, I never do anything right. I feel like such a failure. This is a crucial point in the process because at this point you can either just throw your hands in the air, which many people do when they have that kind of all or nothing thinking, throw your hands in the air and say that's it, it's all over, it's a waste of time. What's the point, I never achieve anything, and then just go back to your old ways, just forget the whole thing, tell yourself that it's not worth it, you can't do it, that there's no point, or very quickly regroup, take the lesson, get back on track and go back into action stage.

15:01 Maybe go back into a. Little more preparation if you've realized that there was something that needed to be done differently, or you need to take a different approach, but getting as quickly as possible back into the action stage and not kind of wallowing back in pre contemplation or contemplation like back back to square one. The relapse part is a very typical, very common stage that people go through. It's a slip up, it's a setback, it's not the end. It just means we just go back around the circle, back to where we were as quickly as possible, back into action. Many people go around that circle seven, eight, nine, many, many, many times before they make permanent change. I have a feeling when they originally did this with smokers, it was seven times. I should have that figure in front of me, and I don't. I'm sorry, but I have a feeling that it was an average of seven times around the circle that would go before they permanently quit smoking. There'll be many, many people, even you, if you've ever made a permanent change, you'll know yourself that you've probably gone around that circle many, many, many times before you ultimately made that change stick, and you made that change last.

16:13 So to have an expectation that that's not going to happen, to be completely defeated and deflated when that happens, is to not understand the change process at all. It is so normal, and we have to start normalizing it, and we have to start being able to meet ourselves in that place with some more compassion, with some more understanding, and with the willingness to be curious about what happened when you drop the judgment. This is what I talk about all the time with goals and with change and with anything that you want to do. As soon as you drop the judgment, then you could start to get curious about what might I do differently? What happened then? What was it that triggered that behavior?

16:54 I was doing so well and then that happened? Did I just have a bad day? Was it stress? Was it the people that I was with it? I hadn't adequately prepared myself. To be in that environment, and so I fell back into old habits. What would I do differently next time if I found myself in that situation again? How might I make sure that next time I'm able to see that through in a different way and have a different outcome. When you go into self judgment and self criticism, it just shuts down the opportunity to get curious and to actually understand and develop some insight and some awareness and some understanding that's going to help you to make that change permanent. So really encourage you to catch yourself, check yourself when you notice that that's what you're doing, and more quickly get back around to action again with the learnings and with the insight and then continue on with the change once you've been actively implementing the new behavior.

17:52 For usually what we say is at least six months. It's different for different people. It depends on the goal, it depends on the individual, it depends on the actual behavior. Like there's so much that is down to individual differences in this. But generally, if for six months or more you've been sustaining this change and you feel that that change is then permanent and you're no longer at risk of going back to square one, well then you enter the final phase, which is the maintenance phase. So maintenance is this change is permanent, this is my new way of being, this is integrated, this is my new behavior, this is my new habit, and I've achieved my goal, and off I go. So those are the stages of change, according to Preshska and de Clemente. You can google it if you like. There's loads of stuff online. So wherever you are, I hope that has helped to give you some context and some understanding of where you are in the change process. I would also say that I think the other big mistake that we make when we talk about making change is we focus purely on the behavior.

18:57 We think about I am prepared, I've got the reason is, I know what to do, I've got my goal, I know where I'm headed, and I start to take action. And then we consider this to be purely a behavioral change. I'm going to stop doing that thing, start doing that thing. I'm going to spend less time on this, do more on that, focus on the behavior when there are so many layers to us as humans. There are so many other reasons besides behavior, like reward and consequence that influence us. The old behavioral psychology from the fifties was all about if you reward good behavior, you'll get more of it. If you punish bad behavior, you'll get less of it.

19:37 And we humans are far more complex than that that kind of thinking, that kind of psychology. We know it's just not valid. It doesn't work like that. We have layers of complexity. We have emotional reasons, we have personal history, we have relationship dynamics, we have trauma like we have early conditioning from our from our childhood, early programming, social conditioning. All of these things can get in the way of us making change in our life. And so when we. Start to run into we're not doing what we said we were going to do, or we're procrastinating on that thing we said we were going to do, or I keep self sabotaging on that thing I said I was going to do. Then we really get down on ourselves and beat ourselves up because it's like, God, I know what I'm supposed to be doing, so why can't I just do it? So understanding all of these layers of complexity and all of these things that can be completely outside your awareness so deep that you don't even know why you're stalling or procrastinating or self sabotaging. This is also where working with a professional or at least having the willingness to do some deep self work to cultivate some insight yourself into what else might be getting in the way here can be really helpful. But certainly working with a coach or a therapist if necessary, that can be really helpful to help you to uncover what some of those unconscious blocks might be that are actually getting in the way of you changing your behavior. So just

21:08 a reminder, I do have coaching spaces still available if you're interested. You can get in touch with me on my website dot com. Happy to have a free call just to see where you're at, see what it is that you're working to achieve. Noting that I am based in the UK, so we have some time zone challenges, but I can usually pretty much accommodate anywhere in the world, which is the whole reason that we live in London, because it's a friendly time zone for most places. So I hope that's helpful if you would like. Also, maybe hit me up if you would like me to spend some more time on another episode digging into what some of those unconscious things can be, what some of the emotional blocks can be, the reasons why we self sabotage, and what some strategies might be that you can use yourself or apply yourself to make those changes. I'd be more than happy to talk about that. If you think that would be useful, Send me a DM Instagram cast done underscore XO or Crappy to Happy Pod on Instagram.

22:03 Otherwise you can email me also via my website. Always happy to hear your feedback. Let me know if that's useful. As you go forth and make whatever change is important to you in your life this year or whenever, then I hope you can hold that model in mind. Have some understanding of where you're at and what might be really helpful for you as you go forward into the next stage to give yourself the best chance of success. Thank you so much for. Being here as always, really appreciate it. If you enjoy this episode, if you think somebody else could benefit from it, please share, give me a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, and maybe press the plus button so subscribe so that you never miss an episode. I enjoy this podcast so much, I love the feedback from you the listener, and I cannot wait to catch you next week for another episode of Crapy to Happy bo