March 20, 2024

How to deal with people letting you down

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Cass answers a listener question about what to do when you feel disappointed by people in your life. She shares ideas about how to manage your expectations, how to take responsibility for your own part in the situation, and how to heal from painful feelings of disappointment. Our social connections are the single most important factor contributing to happiness and wellbeing so it's critical we have strategies for communicating our expectations and what to do when they aren't met.Connect with Cass:www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com
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Transcript

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This is Crappita Happy and I am your host, Cas Dunn.

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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher

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and of course author of the Crappita Happy books. In

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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent

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people who are experts in their field and who have

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something of value to share that will help you feel

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less crappy and more happy. Welcome to another solo episode

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of Crappita Happy Today. I have a topic that was

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brought to me by somebody who listens to the podcast

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and who asked for my advice about how to deal

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with disappointment when other people have let you down or

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not met your expectations. I thought this is a great

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topic because it is so universally experience. We have all

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felt disappointed or let down by somebody in our lives now,

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whether that is your partner, a friend, parent, family member.

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Having an expectation or having an idea that somebody is

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going to behave in a particular way and then they

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don't can be really painful and it can really drive

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a wedge in your relationships. Obviously, and we know that

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the relationships in our lives, the social connections in our

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lives are the most important factor in our happiness, our wellbeing,

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our health. Long term relationships are essential to surviving and

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thriving in this life. And if we have unhealed riffs,

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we have disappointments that are unexpressed. If we allow these

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things to build up and get in the way, if

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we're not communicating how we really feel, then over time

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then these little issues or big issues can compound. So

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I want to share just a few ideas about how

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you might be able to navigate a situation if you

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are feeling disappointed by somebody in your life first or

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whatever I hear, I feel disappointed in somebody. I feel

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like I've been let down or betrayed even by somebody.

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The first quote that always comes to mind for me

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is Anne LaMotte's quote, and she said, expectations are resentments

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under construction. That is so true. The more we have

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expectations of people about how we think people should treat us,

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or how they should behave or what they should be doing,

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or what we require of them in order for us

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to be happy with them, and the more likely it

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is that we are going to end up feeling resentful

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and disappointed. But then you have to ask, well, is

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it really that unreasonable to have expectations of people, like

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should we not hold people to certain standards or have

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an expectation that they will behave in a way that

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is supportive or considerate or thoughtful, that they should keep

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us in mind when they make that decision and choose

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to behave however they behave. So it is about finding

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the balance, isn't it between how much we expect of

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other people? And then it's also I think how well

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do we express those expectations and if they're not met,

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then it is how do we deal with the resulting

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feelings of disappointment and feeling let down? How reasonable is

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it to express to somebody that you really feel disappointed,

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particularly if maybe you haven't been clear about your expectations.

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So let's break this all down. Let's look at what

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you can do about it from the perspective of how

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you relate to this incident, like how you think about

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what has happened, because you remember, thought work is important. Work,

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Looking at your own ideas and the stories that you

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tell yourself in any situation can be very helpful. But

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then how do you also manage the emotional response to that,

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and how do you prevent that from potentially really causing

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a rift in what could otherwise be a very very

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important relationship in your life. So the first thing that

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I always ask myself maybe not the first thing, but

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at some point whenever I am feeling annoyed with another person,

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if I'm feeling like somebody has not done what I

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would like them to do, and it could be somebody

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who works for me, it could be somebody in my

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personal life. I think I've shared with you before that

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I think it can be really useful to ask myself,

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and I do try to ask myself, where am I

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angry with me? Where am I disappointed or upset with myself?

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In this situation, usually if I am looking out at

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somebody and feeling annoyed or frustrated or irritated that they

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have not done something that I would have liked them

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to do, or they've gone and done something that I

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would have preferred them not to do, for example, then

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when I just asked that question, where am I angry

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with myself? And turn the lens back onto me rather

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than projecting all of my disappointment and my negative emotions

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outwards onto that person, A very blaming kind of position.

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Then usually I will find within myself some responsibility. I

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will find that I have not been very clear in

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expressing what I was hoping, I haven't been completely honest

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about what I would have liked to happen. There is

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usually some shared responsibility in the situation, and it's not

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that I turn that into self blame and take it

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all on myself, But what it just really helps me

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to do personally is to have a little bit more

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of a balanced perspective so that instead of kind of

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staying stuck in this outward focused blaming it's all other

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people's fault, somebody else's mistake, or somebody else's problem that's

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causing me to feel this way, I can at least

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be willing to take on a share of the responsibility

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for the situation, which can help take some of the

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sting out of how I feel towards the other person,

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And it can help me to approach a conversation with

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a little bit more of a balanced perspective so that

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I'm not going in if I do choose to have

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a conversation with a person, I'm not going in full

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of blame and only then putting them on the back

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foot and having them go into feeling defensive and have

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it turned into a conflict that it doesn't need to be.

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So that would be my recommendation to anybody in any

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situation where you feel disappointed by somebody else where are

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you disappointed with yourself? What could you have done differently

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yourself in this situation? Some other things to think about

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if you're feeling disappointed in somebody else's behavior is to

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look at where did your expectations come from, particularly if

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they are not expectations that you communicated directly with the person.

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If you have some sense of what somebody else should

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be doing, a story about what a good friend would do,

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what a supportive partner would do, what a loving parent

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would do, and you're not seeing that in the people

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in your life, and that is causing that gap that

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mismatches what is creating your feeling of disappointment. I think

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it's really important to ask yourself where did you get

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those expectations? Are you looking around at other people, at

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other people's relationships and comparing in a negatia? Have you

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formed this idea that a good sister would willingly offer

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to throw the baby shower or the hen's party, or

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whatever it is that that hasn't happened a supportive husband.

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Are you seeing other people's husbands or other people's partners

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do things for them, support them in a way that

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you're not experiencing in your relationship. And it's this comparison

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that is causing you to feel disappointed and causing you

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to feel let down. Because remember, there's loads of different

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kinds of relationships, there's loads of different stories and behaviors.

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But if you're talking on to something and holding that

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as the ideal and then your own relationship is falling

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short of that, that can be really unfair comparison. This

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person is in a competition that they don't even know

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that they're in necessarily. So again, it really does come

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back to communication, like sharing with the person what it

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is that your expectations are and then giving them the

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opportunity to tell you if they can meet that expectation.

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It's not always a case of this is what my

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expectation is. That's it. It's on you now step up

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to the play. Like when you express what you would

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like from somebody in your life, you are asking them

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if they are willing and able to do that for you,

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and you have to be willing to accept that the

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answer might be no, like that they may say I

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can't do that for you. Ideally, what you would hope

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is that they might come back and say, well, I

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can't do that, but I can do this, or what

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about this as a compromise. But at least then you've

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had a conversation and you can both be very clear

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about what's going to happen. Now, if they express that

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they're going to do something or behave in a particular

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way and then they don't, well then you are right

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to be disappointed. Like then you've got some grounds to

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actually be disappointed. And in that case, you know, then

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it's up to you to decide what your continued relationship

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with that person is going to be. You know, it

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may be a case that if somebody is continually letting

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you down, if you're continually being disappointed by somebody, then

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the choice needs to be do I just drop my

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expectations completely? Do I not have any expectation at all?

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This person is going to do the things that I

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would like them to do. But the relationship is important

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enough that I'm prepared to take them on any terms

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and have them in my life. Because when you let

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go of the expectation, you let go of the possibility

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that you're going to be disappointed, or do you decide

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to actually, you know, you know what, I actually don't

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need that relationship with my life at all. It is

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not worth it to me to be continually let down.

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So they're your options. Really, if there is somebody who

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is continually disappointing you, letting go of expectations could be

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the solution. It could be that if you are being

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constantly disappointed, but you can't see a life without this

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person or their reasons that you feel that it's important

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for this person to still be in your life, then

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maybe it is actually on you to just drop your

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expectation and just take whatever you get and be happy

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for that. And I know many people who have had

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a much lighter relationship who have experienced much more peace

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of when they've actually realized that they need to just

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let go of all of their expectations and just take

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whatever the other person is willing to give when they're

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willing to give it. But constantly having expectations not meant

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is just too painful. So that is all well and good.

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You can take steps yourself to take action to express

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what you would like to see in another person. You

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can make choices about your relationship with the person. You

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can change the way you you know, the standards that

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you sant for people. Lower your standards basically in order

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to not be disappointed. But what do you do with

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the emotional aspect of this? So disappointment hurts, Feeling that

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down feels painful. Wanting something from a relationship or from

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a person who is important to you and having them

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not meet that expectation is emotionally hard. So you know,

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we can talk about the behavioral and the thinking way

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to deal with this, which is kind of what I

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was telling you in my last year so about imposter syndrome.

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But we also have emotions, and we also can come

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at this from a deeper kind of a level to

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help us to feel more emotionally balanced with the situation.

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So what I would suggest if you're feeling disappointed, and

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if you're really in that story of somebody has really

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not stepped up in a way that you would like

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them to, then I would encourage you to really get

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in touch with where you feel that emotion in your body.

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We feel every emotion in our body, so you know,

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you might even do this now is just to sit

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with connect with where where is it located in my body,

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Breathe into that space, into that sensation, and allow it

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to be there, make space for it to be there.

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This is not about staying stuck in the story of

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what they should have done and held an awful partner

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or friend they are, and all of that which is

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just going to maintain the story and maintain the emotion.

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This is getting out of the story and actually going

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directly to the source, to the emotional response in your body.

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When you can breathe into that feeling, make space for it.

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Every emotion just wants to be acknowledged. It just wants

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to be felt. And if we're not acknowledge it and

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feeling it, then what we're doing is denying it, avoiding it,

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suppressing it. We can come up with all sorts of

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defensive strategies which don't help in the long run. So

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we want to get very present to the fact that

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this hurts, this feels painful, and then as you breathe

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in you make space for that emotion. You might put

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a hand on your own heart, a hand on your belly,

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on wherever you feel that emotion and just send yourself

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some kindness, Like just acknowledge to yourself that this is painful.

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Is this feels hurtful? I feel sad? Yeah, I feel

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really let down, I feel disappointed, And so get clear

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about what that feeling is, and then offer yourself some friendliness.

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Offer yourself the same sort of friendliness and compassion and

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kindness that perhaps you would offer to somebody else who

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is experiencing a similar disappointment. What would you say to

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your best friend if that person was feeling what you're feeling,

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and allow yourself to receive that as well. When we

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can meet our own vulnerable emotions, make space for them,

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and offer ourselves some kindness, then we almost kind of

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neutralize the defensive resistance to those painful emotions, and we

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from that place we can start to make choices about

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how we move forward. The other thing that I would

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suggest is that as you connect with this emotion, as

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you connect with this feeling in your body, you've gone

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to the sensation in your body. Just ask yourself, does

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this feel familiar? Have I felt this feeling before or

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is this brand new? I'm going to suggest that more

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often than not, this is a familiar feeling that I

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felt this before, and you may even be able to

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go point to a specific memory of a time when

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you felt disappointed or let down. You might go all

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the way back to a childhood experience where you felt

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disappointed in somebody. And so it's important to remember too

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that sometimes what's happening in the present moment, what's happening

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in this current relationship in your life, is it's actually

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kind of triggering something that's happened a long time ago.

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So you've had an experience where you felt disappointed or

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let down and that has been painful, and then what

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happens is your body stores that your nervous system stores

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that experience is a kind of a reminder that you

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don't want this to happen again. It's a sort of

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a protective function. We move out of our safety and

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connection into self protection, and so then you're on high

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alert for this ever happening again. So somebody does something

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or doesn't do something. Now that you're a full grown

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adult out in the world and you have this experience

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of disappointment being triggered, your experience, your emotional response at

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that moment can be very different from somebody else. That

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somebody else might have the same thing happen, and they

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don't care. It doesn't bother them at all because you've

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got your own unique personal history and you've got your

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own old stuff that's being activated. So we can go

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to that part of us, particularly if you're able to

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go to a memory of maybe when you were much smaller,

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or maybe you're a teenager, or some thing that's happened

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in the past, and offer that part of you, Offer

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that younger version of you that same reassurance and kindness

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that you offered to yourself as well now as an adult.

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Go back to the source, go back and reassure that

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younger version of you that they are worthy and they

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are deserving and people don't mean to hurt them or people.

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It's not your fault. It's not your fault that this

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is happening. Often when we're very little and we have experiences,

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we kind of at some level we take that on

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as something to do with us and ourselves. I'm not worthy,

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I'm not lovable, I'm not smart enough, I'm not good enough,

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I'm not enough, I'm not worthy. You know, that's very common.

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So if you can go to that feeling of being

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let down, and if you can reassure that younger part

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of you that she is worthy and it's not her fault,

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it's got nothing to do with her. Then that can

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be really healing as well. And once you've done that,

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then you're able to kind of reassure that younger part

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of you that you know you've got this now, like

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you're the grown up. Now they've grown up, going to

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step in and take over from here, like she doesn't

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need to keep on tagging on you, and you know,

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reminding you that people can't be trusted and warning you

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that people are letting you down, people are going to

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hurt you, people are going to betray you, because that's

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what's happening in your in your current life right Potentially,

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what's happening is that you are having experiences in your

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adult life you are so vigilant to this idea that

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somebody might disappoint you, will let you down, that you're

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seeing things in situations that maybe aren't there, or you know,

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you're projecting something into a situation that isn't necessarily true.

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Because this younger version of you is trying to warn you,

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be careful, you're going to be disappointed, You're going to

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be let down. What confirmation bias is is that once

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we've experienced something, that we start seeing the evidence of

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it everywhere. Once I believe people can't be trusted and

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people will let me down, and people won't be there

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for me in the way that I want them to be,

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then we start being hyper vigilant too, looking for examples

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and situations where that is true, And so we can

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see things in situations that don't exist because it's our

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confirmation bias at play. So you can see how this

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is that there is a cognitive aspect, like there's a

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psychological aspect to this, there is an emotional aspect to this.

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There is a somatic aspect to this, like actually calming

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down your nervous system, going to that emotion in your body,

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seeing what's being triggered and activated within your body in

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that nervous system response, and bringing some calming, some self soothing.

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That just that putting your hand over your heart, putting

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your hand on your belly, and breathing in and breathing

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in kindness to yourself. That's somatic work healing, that's healing you.

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You're calming your nervous system and cultivating a sense of

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internal safety in your own body. So that you're not

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looking outside for other people to make you feel okay,

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You're not looking outside of you for other people to

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make you feel loved and worthy. You're creating that on

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the inside for yourself, and that makes it It doesn't

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make it less likely that people will disappoint you, because

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people are going to be how they're going to be,

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but it does mean that you might be less likely

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to get really emotionally rocked by that situation when it happens,

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because you've got your own inner resourcefulness, your own inner

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sense of safety. You're kind to yourself, compassionate to yourself,

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and then you're probably going to from there be more

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likely and more willing to be able to be honest

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in setting your boundaries and setting your expectations and in

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having conversations with people if they do let you down,

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because you're not going to be so fearful of rejection

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or judgment or criticism from other people by you saying

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how you feel, because you've cultivated that safety inside yourself

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and that wholeness and worthiness inside yourself. So I hope

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that has given you something to work with. I hope

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that at least some of that was helpful. Obviously, everybody's

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got a different situation. But I guess when we take

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this inside, if you have had an inside, if you've

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gained a level of awareness of, oh, this is what's happening. Yeah,

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there is that old situation that I think is showing

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up in the present. You know, it's showing up in

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my current relationships. But it's actually old stuff. It's an

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old wound that I keep reopening potentially, And then now

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I realize, now I've actually just got to go back

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to that old wound and kind of do some healing

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work there so that I don't continue to play that

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out in my car relationships. Then what I would say is,

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once you've been able to do that, you've been able

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to resolve some of your own emotional response to this,

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Once you've been able to shift your perspective a little bit,

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take your own responsibility, look at maybe where I haven't

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been clear in my communication. Then when you do express

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your expectations of somebody, like I said, all you can

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do is ask, and then it's up to them whether

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they can do that for you or not, and then

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you decide, well, whether that's acceptable. Just remember, if you're

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asking for some support from somebody, if you have an

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idea of what you want from somebody else, then you

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need to be as clear and specific as possible in

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communicating that. I just want to touch on this quickly

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because I've talked about this before, and particularly on the

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topic of For example, let's say you're trying to lose

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weight and your partner keeps on ordering pizzas every night,

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or you're trying to drink less than they keep on

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cracking up in a bottle of red with dinner. Or

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you want your parents, you know, every time they come

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to visit, you're hoping that they'll babysit for you, but

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they never do. They never offer. You've got a friend

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or a family member who keeps on buying plastic, crappy

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toys for your kids, and you really, you know, you

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want them to buy something more sustainable. I don't know

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whatever it could be. But when you express to a

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person that you would like their support, then you really

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need to be clear and specific about what that support

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looks like. Because people aren't mind readers. If you say

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to somebody, I really could use your support, they yeah, sure, great,

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Like what do you need? Be prepared to tell them

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what you need? Do you need practical support. Do you

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need somebody to do something physically for you? Do you

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need emotional support? Do you just want somebody to be

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able to like understand where you're at and to be

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able to listen to you? Moral support? I need you

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just help me to stick to my commitments here. I'm

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trying to make a change and I feel like you're

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