Transcript
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A listener production, Welcome to another episode of Crappy to Happy.
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It is the festive season and that can be heaps
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of fun. I personally love Christmas. It can also be
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super stressful. So off the back of the last solo
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episode that I recorded for you well, I talked about
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the impact of early childhood adversity, the impact that that
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can have on your physical health later on, if you
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haven't listened, you might want to go back and listen
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to that episode, and the impact that it can have
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on your emotional and psychological wellbeing, unhealthy coping strategies, and so,
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given the statistics that I shared in that episode, the
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fact that two thirds of people have had at least
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one difficult adverse childhood experience, and over eighty percent have
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had two or more. And these are early experiences that
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happen within the home, that either happened to you personally
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or that you witness in your home environment, they have
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a significant impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing. And
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I say that because it goes without saying therefore, that
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holiday time can be stressful when you are forced to
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go back into family situations where there's a whole lot
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of family dynamics that are potentially stressful for you. Add
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in a partnership, potentially another person's family into the mix,
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managing your kids. There's a lot of reasons why holiday
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time can be difficult and stressful. So I wanted to
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use this time today to talk to you about how
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you can look after yourself and particularly how you can
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set boundaries during the holidays so that you can best
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take care of yourself and come out of the other
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side of the holiday season feeling really good and feeling
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like you've had a relaxing time, that you've had a
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really positive time, a positive experience, that you've enjoyed your
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interactions with people, and that you have spent that time
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in a way that is really meaningful and joyful for you,
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and not come out of this season feeling depleted and
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stressed and burnt out, potentially going into the new year
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already feeling on the back foot. A survey in the
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United States, the American Psychological Association did a survey and
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thirty eight percent of people said that they felt stressed
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during the holiday season, and there's many reasons for that. Interestingly,
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another study found that sixty four percent of people.
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Who live with a mental illness.
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Report that their symptoms get worse during the holiday season,
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And like I said, a lot of us have had
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difficult early experiences, we have potentially unhealthy family dynamics going on.
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We all can feel really pressured around this time of
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year to do things that we don't want to do,
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to be with people that we don't want to be with,
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to spend money that we don't want to spend, and
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to end up really depleted and potentially resentful and unhappy.
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So the things that typically cause people stress during this
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time are things like feeling like there is not enough
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time to do all of the things that you feel
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like you want to do or need to do, or
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not having the time to devote to the things that
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you do want to do. Financial pressure is a huge one,
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just it is expensive holidays, gifts, If you're traveling accommodating
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other people, whether you are visiting somebody else's home or
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other people are visiting yours, that potentially can add.
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A lot of financial pressure.
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And it can be really hard to have some of
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those conversations with people about how you split bills and
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share expenses during this time, and it can be really
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challenging if potentially other people have got more money to spend,
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or willing to spend more money than you are that
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money that you don't have, or you choose not to
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spend on those things, so that can come up as
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an issue. It is a pressure of gift giving. Who
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do you buy gifts for? How much do you spend
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In families where there's different kids and different abilities or
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will willingness to spend different amounts of money, and managing
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that stress and how you manage those conversations with your
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own kids and with other family members, and of course
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just the family dynamics and having to potentially associate with
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people who you might not ordinarily choose to, whether they
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are family or not. You might be able to spend
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all of the year avoiding certain people and then you
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end up thrown together at this time of year. So
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it is difficult and it is potentially challenging. So here
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are my best suggestions to help you to get through
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this time. If some of these things you can relate to,
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and look, if you've got a perfectly happy family you
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love this time of you, then really I'm so happy
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for you, and I really hope you have the best,
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most wonderful Christmas ever. But if that's not you and
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hopefully you might benefit from me sharing some of these
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ideas with you. So, first of all, I think it's
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really important to consider in advance. And I know at
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the time you're listening to this, we're getting pretty close
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to Christmas, But considering in advance what is okay with you?
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Now?
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Remember Brene Brown is the person who offered the definition
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of boundaries as simply being what is okay and what
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is not okay for you? So really thinking in advance.
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We've had plenty of time to prepare for this time
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of year, like how do you want to spend your time,
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who do you want to spend your time with? What
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are you not prepared to accept? What always happens that
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makes you feel angry and frustrated and resentful? Kind of
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choosing an advance what would be a really positive experience
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for you? Thinking about what would make you happy during
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this time, How do you want to feel at the
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end of this time, and how do you absolutely not
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want to feel? And it might be helpful to look
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back over what's happened in the past in your family
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and issues that have come up in the past, and
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where there tends to be points of conflict and tension,
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and really thinking in advance about what's going to be
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the best way to manage this so that you don't
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find yourself put on the spot, under pressure, being in
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a situation where it's here we go again, or feeling
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like you don't have an answer or you don't have
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a response in the moment if something is asked of you.
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How long is it okay for visitors to stay? How
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long are you okay to go to spend time with
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somebody else's family, How do you want to how much
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time are you willing to spend running around, particularly if
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there's split families or if there's in laws and you
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are finding that you're having to run from one place
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to another place, like what is okay and what is
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acceptable to you? Because if you can have those conversations
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in advance in a way that is very clear and
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very assertive and let people know where your boundaries are
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so that there can be no disappointment, there can be
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no miscommunication, everybody's very clear in advance about what's happening
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and why it's happening, then that is going to go
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a long way to making you feel more calm, feeling
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less worried about these potential conversations that might come up,
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and everybody knows what's going on. And the other very
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good Brene Brown quote which I love is remember, clear
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is kind, Unclear is unkind. So if you can be
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very clear about your boundaries, about what your expectations are,
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about what's okay for you, what's not okay for you,
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then mostly other people are going to respond well to that.
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People who have your best interests at her People who
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care for you usually appreciate knowing where you stand, even
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if they would prefer you to have a different opinion.
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You know, there might be some pushback, they might prefer
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you to do something different, but people can't complain if
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they know where they stand and they know what the
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expectations are right from the outset. And you might find
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that other people are in the same boat. They're having
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the same sorts of background conversations in their own mind
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about the expectations and what they want to do and
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what they don't want to do, and they might actually
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be really happy for you to open the door in
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that conversation and say, look, this is what I'm prepared,
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this is how I want this thing to.
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Go this year.
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Remember that being assertive is not the same as being aggressive.
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And this is really interesting.
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So many many people, if you say the word assertive,
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will you talk about being assertive or expressing yourself assertively.
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Many people have a perception that what that actually means
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is being a little bit aggressive, being a little bit forceful,
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potentially being rude or opinionated. And it's not like that
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is not the definition of assertiveness. Is it any wonder
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that people struggle with being assertive If people have an
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idea in their head, have a perception in their own
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mind that assertiveness is bulldozing somebody else and somebody else's
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opinions or preferences and being a bit forceful and dominant
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and aggressive in what you want. Assertiveness is being very
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clear and being very comfortable to express your own needs, wants, desires, preferences, opinions,
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while at the same time being able to make space
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without disrespecting somebody else's needs, preferences, desires, opinions. So assertiveness
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is holding space for both. It is not making your
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needs more important than somebody else's, but it is also
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not making somebody else's needs, preferences, desires, and opinions more
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important than yours. And that is the key because most
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of the time. If you are in that keep the
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peace kind of frame of mind. If you're the person
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who doesn't want to rock the boat, you don't want
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to upset anybody, and it's just easier to go with
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the flow, then likely you are the one who is
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going to end up feeling reasonful and exhausted and depleted
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because you have prioritized somebody else's opinion, somebody else who
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has been willing to express their needs and allowed them
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to override your own. So just be asking yourself all
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of the time, are you prioritizing somebody else's comfort over
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your own? And if you are, then is it possible
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for you to at least hold your own needs and
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preferences at the same level as somebody else's. So this
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is not about making yourself more important, but it is
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absolutely not about make yourself less important. And your needs
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and preference is less important than somebody else's. And that's
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the key. If there is a conflict, if there is
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one person who wants things to go a particular way
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and you want things to go another way, then when
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you're making that decision and something's got to give, it's
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about weighing up what's more important to you, and you're
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making that choice about how important it is for you
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to maintain your boundaries, to hold your line, to protect yourself,
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to protect your space, your time, your energy, your finances,
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or whether you feel like it's okay for you to
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give a little in order to accommodate what somebody else wants.
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And that's going to be a very personal decision, depending
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on the relationship, depending on who the person is, depending
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on what it is that is being asked of you.
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But I think it's just important for you to take
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a moment before you readily agree to anything that you're
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just checking in with whether you are potentially subjugating your
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own needs in order to make somebody else happy. And
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while that might be feel easier in the short term,
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is going to be the long term cost and consequence
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of that for yourself and for your energy and your
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mood and your own health and wellbeing. Bearing in mind
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all of the things that I said in that last
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Solid episode about the cost and the physical health consequence
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of toxic stress and carrying too much stress, how much
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you're willing to take on knowing what the potential consequences are,
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and also, by the way, what you're role modeling to
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your kids about needing the importance of setting boundaries and
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holding firm and being very clear about what you want
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and need. So here's the important thing about boundaries too.
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In order to set.
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Them, in order to be comfortable to express what is
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okay for you, you actually have to know what is okay
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for you. And so sometimes this idea of thinking in
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advance and setting boundaries, it actually requires you to really
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develop some clarity, to really think clearly about what is
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important to you, what matters to you most during this time,
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because otherwise it is just too easy to get pulled
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along with the tide I guess, and just to be
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rushed along with everybody else's plan and not actually stopping
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to think about what's important for you. So it actually
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does force you to gain some clarity about your own values,
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about where your limits are, to be really clear about
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what it is that you need, and then obviously having
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the willingness to set those boundaries and to hold that
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line so that you make sure that you get what
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you need from this time. It also can really improve relationships.
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I think the difficulty people have with setting boundaries is because,
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like I said, we perceive that we're being aggressive, we
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perceive that we're going to upset somebody, even if that's
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not true. There can be this idea, this kind of
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fear that we're going to upset people if we push
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back or draw a line, and oftentimes that is not
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the case. If the relationship is one of value, if
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the person is somebody who cares about you, and if
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you are able to express yourself in a way that