How To Set Boundaries During The Holidays

0:02 A listener production, Welcome to another episode of Crappy to Happy. It is the festive season and that can be heaps of fun. I personally love Christmas. It can also be super stressful. So off the back of the last solo episode that I recorded for you well, I talked about the impact of early childhood adversity, the impact that that can have on your physical health later on, if you haven't listened, you might want to go back and listen to that episode, and the impact that it can have on your emotional and psychological wellbeing, unhealthy coping strategies, and so, given the statistics that I shared in that episode, the fact that two thirds of people have had at least one difficult adverse childhood experience, and over eighty percent have had two or more. And these are early experiences that happen within the home, that either happened to you personally or that you witness in your home environment, they have a significant impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing. And I say that because it goes without saying therefore, that holiday time can be stressful when you are forced to go back into family situations where there's a whole lot of family dynamics that are potentially stressful for you. Add in a partnership, potentially another person's family into the mix, managing your kids. There's a lot of reasons why holiday time can be difficult and stressful. So I wanted to

1:35 use this time today to talk to you about how you can look after yourself and particularly how you can set boundaries during the holidays so that you can best take care of yourself and come out of the other side of the holiday season feeling really good and feeling like you've had a relaxing time, that you've had a really positive time, a positive experience, that you've enjoyed your interactions with people, and that you have spent that time in a way that is really meaningful and joyful for you, and not come out of this season feeling depleted and stressed and burnt out, potentially going into the new year already feeling on the back foot. A survey in the United States, the American Psychological Association did a survey and thirty eight percent of people said that they felt stressed during the holiday season, and there's many reasons for that. Interestingly, another study found that sixty four percent of people.

2:32 Who live with a mental illness. Report that their symptoms get worse during the holiday season, And like I said, a lot of us have had difficult early experiences, we have potentially unhealthy family dynamics going on. We all can feel really pressured around this time of year to do things that we don't want to do, to be with people that we don't want to be with, to spend money that we don't want to spend, and to end up really depleted and potentially resentful and unhappy. So the things that typically cause people stress during this time are things like feeling like there is not enough time to do all of the things that you feel like you want to do or need to do, or not having the time to devote to the things that you do want to do. Financial pressure is a huge one, just it is expensive holidays, gifts, If you're traveling accommodating other people, whether you are visiting somebody else's home or other people are visiting yours, that potentially can add.

3:30 A lot of financial pressure. And it can be really hard to have some of those conversations with people about how you split bills and share expenses during this time, and it can be really challenging if potentially other people have got more money to spend, or willing to spend more money than you are that money that you don't have, or you choose not to spend on those things, so that can come up as an issue. It is a pressure of gift giving. Who do you buy gifts for? How much do you spend In families where there's different kids and different abilities or will willingness to spend different amounts of money, and managing that stress and how you manage those conversations with your own kids and with other family members, and of course just the family dynamics and having to potentially associate with people who you might not ordinarily choose to, whether they are family or not. You might be able to spend all of the year avoiding certain people and then you end up thrown together at this time of year. So it is difficult and it is potentially challenging. So here are my best suggestions to help you to get through this time. If some of these things you can relate to, and look, if you've got a perfectly happy family you love this time of you, then really I'm so happy for you, and I really hope you have the best, most wonderful Christmas ever. But if that's not you and hopefully you might benefit from me sharing some of these ideas with you. So, first of all, I think it's really important to consider in advance. And I know at the time you're listening to this, we're getting pretty close to Christmas, But considering in advance what is okay with you?

5:01 Now? Remember Brene Brown is the person who offered the definition of boundaries as simply being what is okay and what is not okay for you? So really thinking in advance. We've had plenty of time to prepare for this time of year, like how do you want to spend your time, who do you want to spend your time with? What are you not prepared to accept? What always happens that makes you feel angry and frustrated and resentful? Kind of choosing an advance what would be a really positive experience for you? Thinking about what would make you happy during this time, How do you want to feel at the end of this time, and how do you absolutely not want to feel? And it might be helpful to look back over what's happened in the past in your family and issues that have come up in the past, and where there tends to be points of conflict and tension, and really thinking in advance about what's going to be the best way to manage this so that you don't find yourself put on the spot, under pressure, being in a situation where it's here we go again, or feeling like you don't have an answer or you don't have a response in the moment if something is asked of you.

6:09 How long is it okay for visitors to stay? How long are you okay to go to spend time with somebody else's family, How do you want to how much time are you willing to spend running around, particularly if there's split families or if there's in laws and you are finding that you're having to run from one place to another place, like what is okay and what is acceptable to you? Because if you can have those conversations in advance in a way that is very clear and very assertive and let people know where your boundaries are so that there can be no disappointment, there can be no miscommunication, everybody's very clear in advance about what's happening and why it's happening, then that is going to go a long way to making you feel more calm, feeling less worried about these potential conversations that might come up, and everybody knows what's going on. And the other very good Brene Brown quote which I love is remember, clear is kind, Unclear is unkind. So if you can be very clear about your boundaries, about what your expectations are, about what's okay for you, what's not okay for you, then mostly other people are going to respond well to that.

7:16 People who have your best interests at her People who care for you usually appreciate knowing where you stand, even if they would prefer you to have a different opinion. You know, there might be some pushback, they might prefer you to do something different, but people can't complain if they know where they stand and they know what the expectations are right from the outset. And you might find that other people are in the same boat. They're having the same sorts of background conversations in their own mind about the expectations and what they want to do and what they don't want to do, and they might actually be really happy for you to open the door in that conversation and say, look, this is what I'm prepared, this is how I want this thing to. Go this year. Remember that being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. And this is really interesting.

7:57 So many many people, if you say the word assertive, will you talk about being assertive or expressing yourself assertively. Many people have a perception that what that actually means is being a little bit aggressive, being a little bit forceful, potentially being rude or opinionated. And it's not like that is not the definition of assertiveness. Is it any wonder that people struggle with being assertive If people have an idea in their head, have a perception in their own mind that assertiveness is bulldozing somebody else and somebody else's opinions or preferences and being a bit forceful and dominant and aggressive in what you want. Assertiveness is being very clear and being very comfortable to express your own needs, wants, desires, preferences, opinions, while at the same time being able to make space without disrespecting somebody else's needs, preferences, desires, opinions. So assertiveness is holding space for both. It is not making your needs more important than somebody else's, but it is also not making somebody else's needs, preferences, desires, and opinions more important than yours. And that is the key because most of the time. If you are in that keep the peace kind of frame of mind. If you're the person who doesn't want to rock the boat, you don't want to upset anybody, and it's just easier to go with the flow, then likely you are the one who is going to end up feeling reasonful and exhausted and depleted

9:28 because you have prioritized somebody else's opinion, somebody else who has been willing to express their needs and allowed them to override your own. So just be asking yourself all of the time, are you prioritizing somebody else's comfort over your own? And if you are, then is it possible for you to at least hold your own needs and preferences at the same level as somebody else's. So this is not about making yourself more important, but it is absolutely not about make yourself less important. And your needs and preference is less important than somebody else's. And that's the key. If there is a conflict, if there is one person who wants things to go a particular way and you want things to go another way, then when you're making that decision and something's got to give, it's about weighing up what's more important to you, and you're making that choice about how important it is for you to maintain your boundaries, to hold your line, to protect yourself, to protect your space, your time, your energy, your finances, or whether you feel like it's okay for you to give a little in order to accommodate what somebody else wants.

10:37 And that's going to be a very personal decision, depending on the relationship, depending on who the person is, depending on what it is that is being asked of you. But I think it's just important for you to take a moment before you readily agree to anything that you're just checking in with whether you are potentially subjugating your own needs in order to make somebody else happy. And while that might be feel easier in the short term, is going to be the long term cost and consequence of that for yourself and for your energy and your mood and your own health and wellbeing. Bearing in mind all of the things that I said in that last Solid episode about the cost and the physical health consequence of toxic stress and carrying too much stress, how much you're willing to take on knowing what the potential consequences are, and also, by the way, what you're role modeling to your kids about needing the importance of setting boundaries and holding firm and being very clear about what you want and need. So here's the important thing about boundaries too.

11:41 In order to set. Them, in order to be comfortable to express what is okay for you, you actually have to know what is okay for you. And so sometimes this idea of thinking in advance and setting boundaries, it actually requires you to really develop some clarity, to really think clearly about what is important to you, what matters to you most during this time, because otherwise it is just too easy to get pulled along with the tide I guess, and just to be rushed along with everybody else's plan and not actually stopping to think about what's important for you. So it actually does force you to gain some clarity about your own values, about where your limits are, to be really clear about what it is that you need, and then obviously having the willingness to set those boundaries and to hold that line so that you make sure that you get what you need from this time. It also can really improve relationships.

12:38 I think the difficulty people have with setting boundaries is because, like I said, we perceive that we're being aggressive, we perceive that we're going to upset somebody, even if that's not true. There can be this idea, this kind of fear that we're going to upset people if we push back or draw a line, and oftentimes that is not the case. If the relationship is one of value, if the person is somebody who cares about you, and if you are able to express yourself in a way that is kind and it's very honest and is fair and reasonable, then mostly people will appreciate that. Even if they don't like your boundary, they will appreciate knowing what your boundary is. They would rather have that clarity and know where they stand.

13:19 I don't know if you've ever been in a situation where you kind of get the sense that somebody is just going along with what you want. If you ask somebody what they're prepared to do, or if you ask somebody for help, you feel like you're potentially imposing on somebody, or you're asking for something and you're not entirely sure that they're being honest with you about whether they're really okay with that or not. That's a really uncomfortable place to be. I think most of us would really rather somebody tell us what their real opinion is, even if we don't necessarily like it, Like we would rather know than potentially be upsetting somebody, potentially feel like we are imposing when we had no idea that we are making somebody else uncomfortable, when we really didn't. Know that we were.

14:00 That's the gift that you're offering another person when you're being honest about what you're comfortable with. Obviously, when it. Comes to money and finances, setting budgets in advance and sticking with them, it's been a really it's an expensive time, and it's an expensive time for everybody at the moment, cost of living has gone, our interest rates are going up. So really thinking in advance about budgets so that you're not getting carried away with too much gift giving and ending up in debt. That's such a huge problem at this time of year. So as best as you can, having that conversation with other family, having that conversation with your partner, setting budgets, setting limits, deciding. What you're comfortable to spend.

14:40 And it's not just gifts, you know, it's food, it's catering, Like I said, it's accommodating, visitors, it's potentially going out, it's parties and drinks, and it's potentially buying something new to wear to a party. So this just can really blow out. We know it can really blow out. So trying to think in advance about what you're going to be comfortable to spend so that you're not leaving yourself in the hole at the end of this time. And then when it comes to particular family members that you don't have the best relationship with, all I would suggest is that if there is a way to completely avoid somebody who adds no value to your life, you know, raises your stress levels, who you have a difficult relationship with, then if it is possible to avoid that person, there is no requirement that somebody has to be in your life.

15:27 There is no requirement that you have a relationship with a person who is toxic to you. I don't like calling people toxic because I think people can be troubled and people can be difficult, but to call an individual toxic, but relationships can be toxic. Relationship dynamics can be toxic. They can really contribute to your stress levels. So if you feel obliged to spend time with a person just because you're related to them, and there is a way that you can rearrange your schedule so that you don't have to spend time with that person, then maybe try to think about that as an option. Maybe you don't continue subjecting yourself to being in the company of a person who is really difficult in your life. We get really overwhelmed with guilt, these feelings of obligation, this feeling like we're a bad person, or that we're going to upset.

16:18 Somebody else, parent or a sibling. If we draw that line and choose to exclude ourselves or distance ourselves from that person, just go back to what I said before about asking yourself, are you prioritizing somebody else's comfort over your own? And what is really most important to you? And if it turns out that there's really no avoiding a difficult person, then you know, obviously, try to keep that contact minimal, Try to have an exit time to get out of that situation. Set that in advance. This is what I mean about set those limits in advance so that you can get out of that situation. Minimize conversation, decide in advance what topics are okay to discuss, what is not. Don't allay yourself to get baited. Don't allow yourself to get dragged into conflicts or conversations that you know are going to be upsetting to you. Just as best as you can manage those interactions.

17:10 And you know, to really prioritize your own health and wellbeing. And I give you full permission to avoid the people who add no value to your life and who, if anything, just add more stress and drama to your life. It is okay to not have a relationship with that person. And I guess, finally, having done all of that, remember decide in advance what your limits are. Decide how you want to spend your time, what you're willing to do, what you're not How long are you willing to have visitors? When do people need to leave by You're allowed to do all of that. You don't have to have people come and stay indefinitely, you know, stay for days and days longer than you would ideally.

17:51 Like people to be in your house. It's okay if you can have those conversations in advance. But if you do find yourself in those situations where you do feel like you are feeling resentful, depleted, take time out, carve out time during this holiday season, this festive season, to go for a walk on your own, to close your bedroom door, to take breaks from all of the people, do the things that feel good for you. Go out and catch up with a friend who is separate to all of these people who you're having to spend time with in your house. Do what you need to do to prioritize your self care. Your mental health matters, your physical health matters, your relationships matter, and you matter, and it is okay to set those limits. Look after yourself and have a very, very merry Christmas and as happy a festive season as you possibly can. Best way to do that is to set those boundaries. I really hope this has been helpful. Obviously, hit me up if there is anything that I've missed, messaged me on Instagram, cast on underscore XO, and hopefully you will have a very merry Christmas and I will catch you on the next episode of Crappy to Happy Listener