Dec. 5, 2024

How to stop being a people pleaser

How to stop being a people pleaser
The player is loading ...
How to stop being a people pleaser
How to stop being a people pleaser
Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon Castro podcast player icon PocketCasts podcast player icon Podchaser podcast player icon
Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon Castro podcast player icon PocketCasts podcast player icon Podchaser podcast player icon
Season 13 Psychology & Neuroscience Self-Confidence Personal Growth & Healing

In this episode, Cass discusses the challenges of people pleasing, especially during the holiday season. She explores the roots of this behaviour, including childhood experiences, personality traits, and societal expectations. Cass emphasises the importance of self-care, setting boundaries, and recognising when helping others compromises your own well-being. She encourages listeners to prioritise their needs and to be honest in their relationships, asserting that saying no is not selfish but rather a necessary step towards authenticity and emotional health.Connect with Cass:www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com www.instagram.com/crappytohappypodwww.tiktok.com/crappytohappypod
Join the free 7-day Happiness Challenge:www.cassdunn.com/happiness

Connect with Cass:

www.cassdunn.com
www.instagram.com/cassdunn_xo

Contact Crappy to Happy:

Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
www.crappytohappypod.com
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod
www.tiktok.com/@crappytohappypod


Are you a coach, therapist, service provider or solopreneur struggling with self-doubt and imposter syndrome? I'd love to talk to you! (for market research purposes only!)

Book a call with me to share your experience.

Want more great content and less ads?

Upgrade to Paid in the Spotify or Apple podcasts App to get immediate access to "Beyond Happy", the subscriber only podcast featuring bonus content, meditations and more!

Transcript
WEBVTT

1
00:00:04.559 --> 00:00:08.480
This is Crappita Happy, and I am your host, Cas Done.

2
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:13.160
I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher

3
00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:16.160
and of course, author of the Crappita Happy books. In

4
00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:20.440
this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent

5
00:00:20.519 --> 00:00:23.399
people who are experts in their field and who have

6
00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:25.800
something of value to share that will help you feel

7
00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:39.439
less crappy and more happy. Welcome to another solo episode

8
00:00:39.479 --> 00:00:42.439
of Crappita Happy. It feels like ages since I have

9
00:00:42.560 --> 00:00:44.439
done one of these, and that's because it has been

10
00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:46.320
ages since I've done one of these. I had a

11
00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:49.640
few weeks off unplanned. I was just kind of focused

12
00:00:49.640 --> 00:00:54.039
on what I am planning for next year for the podcast.

13
00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:55.799
I thought you wouldn't miss me too much. I'm very

14
00:00:55.799 --> 00:00:57.640
happy to be back and have brought you some really

15
00:00:57.640 --> 00:01:00.359
interesting interviews. I've got some great ones coming up, but

16
00:01:00.719 --> 00:01:02.880
I wanted to talk to you now because we're at

17
00:01:02.920 --> 00:01:05.760
that time of year. We're coming into Christmas. It can

18
00:01:05.799 --> 00:01:07.920
be a lovely time, it can also be an incredibly

19
00:01:07.959 --> 00:01:10.879
stressful time, and I just wanted to make sure that

20
00:01:10.879 --> 00:01:12.920
I am back in your ears reminding you of the

21
00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:16.840
things that are important to do. With boundaries and self

22
00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:22.439
care and rest. So this week I wanted to talk

23
00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:25.680
to you about people pleasing how don't know if it's

24
00:01:25.719 --> 00:01:29.000
a problem, what you can do about it, and you

25
00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:30.120
know how you can just.

26
00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:31.200
Keep it in check.

27
00:01:31.319 --> 00:01:34.799
And I think particularly at this time of year, when

28
00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:36.640
there's a lot of demands on your time, there's a

29
00:01:36.719 --> 00:01:41.159
lot of requests for time, effort, resources, energy contributing to

30
00:01:41.280 --> 00:01:45.480
various things, attending things, And if you are a person

31
00:01:45.519 --> 00:01:48.879
who has a tendency to say yes when you'd really

32
00:01:49.000 --> 00:01:52.439
like to say no, or even if you're a person

33
00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:55.280
who says yes because you just love to say yes

34
00:01:55.319 --> 00:01:57.040
and you love to help, and you love to do

35
00:01:57.079 --> 00:01:59.200
all the things and be a part of things, and

36
00:01:59.280 --> 00:02:02.200
you're more happy to help and it makes you happy

37
00:02:02.239 --> 00:02:04.439
to make other people happy. If you're one of those types,

38
00:02:04.760 --> 00:02:07.719
I just want to remind you that sometimes it can

39
00:02:07.799 --> 00:02:09.680
be really useful to make sure that you are looking

40
00:02:09.719 --> 00:02:13.319
after yourself at the same time and just constantly checking

41
00:02:13.319 --> 00:02:14.800
in with yourself to make sure that you are not

42
00:02:15.159 --> 00:02:19.240
crossing your own line and potentially doing for others at

43
00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:20.919
the detriment of yourself.

44
00:02:21.080 --> 00:02:22.400
So I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

45
00:02:22.439 --> 00:02:25.080
I just want to remind you people pleasing is the

46
00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:29.960
tendency to prioritize other people's needs, their desires, you know,

47
00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:33.120
their preferences, what they would like from you, at the

48
00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:35.680
expense of your own wellbeing.

49
00:02:36.199 --> 00:02:38.680
Now you may say, well.

50
00:02:38.800 --> 00:02:40.439
You know, it's not at the expense of my well being.

51
00:02:40.560 --> 00:02:42.599
I'm doing things for others because I really enjoy it.

52
00:02:42.639 --> 00:02:45.280
And if that's the case, then happy for you.

53
00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:46.439
Like go you.

54
00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:49.599
There are definitely people like that in the world who

55
00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:52.199
just really love to help and who are more than

56
00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:56.240
willing to contribute. The world needs people like that. It

57
00:02:56.280 --> 00:03:00.240
can get really tricky, though, when you may be so

58
00:03:00.719 --> 00:03:06.360
accustomed to doing for others, accommodating others, being a team player, contributing,

59
00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:10.800
doing your share, helping out people, seeing where people need help,

60
00:03:10.840 --> 00:03:13.800
responding to calls for help. You've kind of even lost

61
00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:17.120
touch with maybe what you need and what you would

62
00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:20.400
prefer to do, so that could be potentially another conversation.

63
00:03:20.759 --> 00:03:23.879
But it can be agreeing to do extra work even

64
00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:27.240
if your plate is full. It can be always being

65
00:03:27.280 --> 00:03:29.439
the person to park your own needs or put things

66
00:03:29.479 --> 00:03:31.000
aside to help.

67
00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:33.599
Out somebody else. And while that is really a nice.

68
00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:37.159
Quality to have, it can also be driven by a

69
00:03:37.199 --> 00:03:42.240
fear of criticism or rejection, a fear of conflict, not

70
00:03:42.280 --> 00:03:45.159
wanting to upset somebody or hurt somebody's feelings, So saying

71
00:03:45.240 --> 00:03:47.639
yes even when you would rather say no because you're

72
00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:50.639
afraid of the fallout and just a fear of being

73
00:03:50.719 --> 00:03:54.639
rejected or being disliked or just upsetting somebody generally. So

74
00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:57.479
let's have a talk about if that is the case

75
00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:00.479
for you, like where that might come from. To be honest,

76
00:04:00.520 --> 00:04:02.680
it probably doesn't even really matter, but we all have

77
00:04:02.759 --> 00:04:05.800
this instinctive kind of desire to want to know, well,

78
00:04:05.800 --> 00:04:07.639
what made me like this? Why am I like this?

79
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:09.360
Why can't I change this? Why can't I fix this?

80
00:04:09.439 --> 00:04:11.479
I think it's much more important to focus on is

81
00:04:11.520 --> 00:04:14.080
this serving me? Do I need to make a change here?

82
00:04:14.879 --> 00:04:15.120
You know?

83
00:04:15.159 --> 00:04:17.079
What might I do differently and what might be some

84
00:04:17.160 --> 00:04:19.360
tools and strategies that I might be able to adopt

85
00:04:19.480 --> 00:04:23.160
to prevent me from continually going down this path? However,

86
00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:26.040
we you know, some people really like to have some

87
00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:29.040
insight into where it comes from and where it stems from,

88
00:04:29.319 --> 00:04:31.759
because that can help you to recognize it and to

89
00:04:31.920 --> 00:04:35.240
understand in the moment what's actually going on, so that

90
00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:38.160
you can feel more in control of your own choices

91
00:04:38.360 --> 00:04:40.920
and make more empowered choices about how you spend your

92
00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:44.240
time and effort and energy and money and all of

93
00:04:44.279 --> 00:04:47.480
your resources. So oftentimes people pleasing grows out of as

94
00:04:47.519 --> 00:04:50.480
you can imagine, growing up in a family environment where

95
00:04:50.680 --> 00:04:55.279
your approval was conditional on well, just conditional full stop,

96
00:04:55.439 --> 00:04:58.079
where you had to make sure that whatever you were

97
00:04:58.120 --> 00:05:00.680
doing was keeping other people happy. You are having to

98
00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:05.920
modify your behavior, be acquiescent, be pleasant, just be good,

99
00:05:06.480 --> 00:05:09.800
you know, be good, be helpful, be polite, do the

100
00:05:09.879 --> 00:05:12.959
right thing. You know, these kinds of messages growing up,

101
00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:15.800
and if you were really not really given that freedom

102
00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:19.759
to express your opinion, to exert your own needs, there

103
00:05:19.800 --> 00:05:22.879
was this expectation that that is what is required of

104
00:05:22.920 --> 00:05:24.920
you in order to keep the peace and keep the

105
00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:27.079
family happy and make sure that Mum and dad or

106
00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:29.720
cares or whoever, that they would give you that positive

107
00:05:29.720 --> 00:05:33.439
feedback that as a child you so desperately want and need. Then,

108
00:05:33.720 --> 00:05:36.720
as you can imagine that that leads to later on

109
00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:39.600
just having this be your automatic pattern, your default to

110
00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:42.000
go to, always wanting to just make sure that you're

111
00:05:42.040 --> 00:05:44.399
looking after other people and making sure everybody else is happy.

112
00:05:44.759 --> 00:05:47.959
So you know, if in your family you were always

113
00:05:47.959 --> 00:05:51.120
approved of because you were being helpful, you were chipping in,

114
00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:54.079
you were pulling your weight, you were the one that was,

115
00:05:54.160 --> 00:05:56.920
you know, keeping things clean and picking up after people

116
00:05:56.959 --> 00:05:59.879
even when others weren't, and that's what got you validation,

117
00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:02.279
and that's what you were positively reinforced for when that

118
00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:05.199
can really embed that kind of pattern of behavior in

119
00:06:05.279 --> 00:06:08.480
other situations. It could be that there was violence, there

120
00:06:08.519 --> 00:06:12.600
was tension, there was conflict in the family, and so

121
00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:16.399
it was very much a survival strategy to just be pleasant,

122
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:19.639
be quiet, be agreeable. You know, only you know what

123
00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:22.439
sort of dynamics were going on in your own family home.

124
00:06:22.480 --> 00:06:24.399
And it's not just in your family home. It's at school,

125
00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:26.519
it's and in your peer groups. It's as you grow up,

126
00:06:26.519 --> 00:06:29.639
and these messages continue to be reinforced. It's interesting that

127
00:06:29.680 --> 00:06:33.920
Spotify rapped just came out and which was just so

128
00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:38.120
gratifying to see the numbers Spotify listeners. If you are

129
00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:42.600
a Spotify listener high, but the vast majority of crappy

130
00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:45.560
to happy listeners listen, according to our stats, listen over

131
00:06:45.639 --> 00:06:48.839
on Apple, so Spotify counts for less than twenty percent,

132
00:06:48.959 --> 00:06:52.079
like more like fifteen percent of total listeners. So to

133
00:06:52.160 --> 00:06:55.680
see the podcast being in the top five podcasts for

134
00:06:55.759 --> 00:06:59.240
two thousand listeners on Spotify when Spotify counts for such

135
00:06:59.240 --> 00:07:03.240
a small percentage overall, it's just so heartwarming and just

136
00:07:03.360 --> 00:07:07.720
really reinforced my passion for the show and my desire

137
00:07:07.759 --> 00:07:10.600
to continue to make content and create the podcast and

138
00:07:10.639 --> 00:07:13.199
in a way that continues to be really helpful and relevant.

139
00:07:13.319 --> 00:07:14.199
I'm getting off topic.

140
00:07:14.199 --> 00:07:15.800
I just wanted to say that, but what I'm gonna

141
00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:20.160
say was on Spotify Wrapped, the number one most downloaded

142
00:07:20.199 --> 00:07:23.160
episode was the episode that I did on Schemers and

143
00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:26.399
Schemer Therapy, which is kind of interesting. So I'll put

144
00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:27.480
that in the show notes if you want to go

145
00:07:27.519 --> 00:07:29.120
back and listen if you missed it. But according to

146
00:07:29.160 --> 00:07:30.959
the stats, a lot of people listen to that episode.

147
00:07:31.079 --> 00:07:34.800
But you may recall that one of the schemers that

148
00:07:34.920 --> 00:07:36.399
you know, one of the many schemers that can be

149
00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:39.959
really unhelpful, is a self sacrifice schemer, and there's a

150
00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:42.600
subjugation schemer as well. So these are like when you

151
00:07:42.600 --> 00:07:44.839
grow up with the worldview and this, you adopt this

152
00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:48.680
pattern of thinking and behavior that is all about suppressing

153
00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:51.519
your own needs for the sake of others, sacrificing your

154
00:07:51.560 --> 00:07:55.160
own needs, subjugating your own desires and preferences for the

155
00:07:55.199 --> 00:07:58.079
sake of others in the service of keeping other people happy.

156
00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:01.480
So you may well have that kind of schema running.

157
00:08:01.879 --> 00:08:04.079
Many people do, and that's playing out as this kind

158
00:08:04.079 --> 00:08:07.079
of people pleasing behavior. There are certain personality traits that

159
00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:10.160
are linked to people pleasing. If you are familiar with

160
00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:14.040
the Big five, the Big five personality traits if you

161
00:08:14.160 --> 00:08:18.040
remember the what is the word not anagram, the acronym

162
00:08:18.160 --> 00:08:27.079
If you remember the acronym ocean, oce an, openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness,

163
00:08:27.160 --> 00:08:30.519
and neuroticism. So they are the Big five. Everybody has

164
00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:33.159
a combination of those Big five personality traits. They're kind

165
00:08:33.159 --> 00:08:36.879
of the core human personality traits. If you are high

166
00:08:36.960 --> 00:08:40.240
in agreeableness, if that is just part of your natural personality,

167
00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:44.240
which again is lovely, cooperative, helpful, get along with people

168
00:08:45.080 --> 00:08:49.440
you know, friendly, can also rate highly for people pleasing.

169
00:08:49.600 --> 00:08:52.559
So it's like it's almost like a strength that is

170
00:08:52.600 --> 00:08:58.799
being overplayed. That tendency to foster positive relationships can be

171
00:08:58.879 --> 00:09:02.480
overplayed to the point of actually sacrificing your own needs.

172
00:09:02.919 --> 00:09:06.320
So again that's not a bad thing. Agreeableness is a

173
00:09:06.360 --> 00:09:09.240
great quality to have, but it is about how it's

174
00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:12.799
being expressed and to what kind of level. If you're

175
00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:15.679
a person who's just naturally empathetic, if you naturally kind

176
00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:18.000
of feel what other people feel, and you have that

177
00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:22.240
natural inclination to want to help when you see suffering,

178
00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:25.039
what you see somebody having a hard time, well, then

179
00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:28.440
that can also predispose you to this kind of people

180
00:09:28.440 --> 00:09:32.639
pleasing behavior. Again, admirable, like really lovely to want to help,

181
00:09:33.120 --> 00:09:35.279
And it's not about the wanting to help, and then

182
00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:38.559
everybody should just like stop doing that. It is about

183
00:09:38.679 --> 00:09:42.240
knowing where the line is and when this behavior starts

184
00:09:42.279 --> 00:09:45.879
to undermine your own needs and preferences, when it is

185
00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:48.519
starting to come at a cost to you. People who

186
00:09:48.600 --> 00:09:52.519
have an anxious attachment style. Again, attachment styles is one

187
00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:55.600
of the most popular episodes that I've done in the past.

188
00:09:56.039 --> 00:09:58.960
You may recall that people with an anxious attachment style,

189
00:09:58.960 --> 00:10:01.799
who if you've grown up in family environment where you

190
00:10:01.960 --> 00:10:05.600
never quite knew if that love and approval was going

191
00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:07.840
to be there or if it wasn't going to be so,

192
00:10:07.879 --> 00:10:10.240
if somebody is just emotionally avoidant. If a caregiver is

193
00:10:10.279 --> 00:10:13.320
emotionally avoidant and unavailable, well that will lead to you

194
00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:16.919
being most likely having a kind of an avoidant attachment style,

195
00:10:16.960 --> 00:10:18.919
which means you sort of shut off your own emotional

196
00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:21.679
needs and your own attachment needs because you've learned that

197
00:10:21.759 --> 00:10:23.919
your needs aren't going to be met. So it's not

198
00:10:23.960 --> 00:10:25.840
that you don't have attachment needs, it's just that you

199
00:10:25.879 --> 00:10:28.960
shut them down for your own survival, your own sort

200
00:10:29.000 --> 00:10:33.159
of emotional and psychological survival, and you become very self

201
00:10:33.279 --> 00:10:37.440
reliant and very independent. Now another version, another variation of

202
00:10:37.559 --> 00:10:40.360
insecure attachment is this anxious attachment style, and this is

203
00:10:40.360 --> 00:10:44.200
where caregivers are either inconsistently available. It's like then you

204
00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:46.679
never quite know what you're going to get, or they

205
00:10:46.679 --> 00:10:50.440
can sometimes come with very intrusive parenting, whether kind of

206
00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:53.159
in your business all the time, almost maybe even looking

207
00:10:53.200 --> 00:10:56.600
for you to satisfy their needs, you know, looking for

208
00:10:56.720 --> 00:11:01.240
you to keep them emotionally regulated. So that can also

209
00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:05.399
lead to an anxious attachment style, which manifests often as

210
00:11:05.399 --> 00:11:11.399
this like really hyper alertness to cues of rejection or criticism,

211
00:11:11.600 --> 00:11:15.000
like really being hyper alert to any sign that somebody

212
00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:18.200
may be not happy with you, and whether it's in

213
00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:21.039
an email or a text or just a facial expression,

214
00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:24.960
the anxious attachment style is kind of this constant reassurance seeking,

215
00:11:25.039 --> 00:11:29.080
this looking for somebody to reassure you all the time

216
00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:30.759
that they do care for you and that they are

217
00:11:30.759 --> 00:11:32.000
there for you, and that they do like you, and

218
00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:33.159
they want to be your friend or they want to

219
00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:35.000
be in a relationship with you and of course they

220
00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:37.480
love you and no, they're not having an affair, and

221
00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:39.559
you know, because it can lead to this kind of

222
00:11:39.639 --> 00:11:41.919
jealousy and clingliness. And I guess the other thing with

223
00:11:41.960 --> 00:11:44.840
the anxious attachment style is that it is it's really

224
00:11:44.840 --> 00:11:48.440
hard for that reassurance to land. So no matter how

225
00:11:48.440 --> 00:11:50.759
many times somebody tells you, no, it's fine, of course

226
00:11:50.759 --> 00:11:51.960
I love you, I want to be with you, of

227
00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:53.919
course i'm your friend, it's like, oh, that makes you

228
00:11:53.960 --> 00:11:57.039
feel better temporarily, but then that anxiety comes up again.

229
00:11:57.120 --> 00:12:01.000
It's like really hard to hold. So it's is constant

230
00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:06.039
proximity seeking reassurance seeking, which you know, ironically can sometimes

231
00:12:06.120 --> 00:12:09.399
then drive people away and become like a self fulfilling

232
00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:12.919
prophecy almost. But you can imagine it makes sense that

233
00:12:12.919 --> 00:12:15.240
that kind of anxious attachment style may well lead to

234
00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:17.759
people pleasing kinds of behaviors, like always wanting to make

235
00:12:17.759 --> 00:12:20.159
sure that you're looking after the other person and doing

236
00:12:20.200 --> 00:12:22.360
everything for them and making sure that they're okay in

237
00:12:22.559 --> 00:12:25.639
order to shore up their affection for you, in order

238
00:12:25.679 --> 00:12:28.200
to make sure that they're going to not leave you,

239
00:12:28.279 --> 00:12:30.120
that they want to stay with you, making yourself really

240
00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:32.960
indispensable to that person, And that can play out in

241
00:12:33.000 --> 00:12:35.720
the workplace as well. That's not just in personal relationships,

242
00:12:35.720 --> 00:12:37.600
that can play out in lots of different domains, in

243
00:12:37.720 --> 00:12:42.440
platonic friendships as well. So attachment styles it's really helpful

244
00:12:42.480 --> 00:12:44.799
to understand those because they do show up not just

245
00:12:44.840 --> 00:12:48.159
in romantic relationships but across the board. And then obviously

246
00:12:48.159 --> 00:12:51.200
there's just the gender expectation, like women are expected to

247
00:12:51.240 --> 00:12:55.279
be nurturing, mothers are expected to make the sacrifices do

248
00:12:55.399 --> 00:13:01.440
everything for their kids. There's certain occupations therapy, health care, teaching,

249
00:13:01.519 --> 00:13:05.279
maybe even like those kinds of caregiving nurturing professions where

250
00:13:05.279 --> 00:13:09.799
you're almost expected to martyr yourself, to go over and

251
00:13:09.799 --> 00:13:13.440
above to look after other people's needs. But the female

252
00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:16.480
thing and the mother thing, I think those are really strong,

253
00:13:16.600 --> 00:13:18.559
and no matter how far we've come in terms of

254
00:13:18.759 --> 00:13:22.480
feminism and gender equity, a lot of still carry that

255
00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:25.360
that expectation that as a woman, your job is basically

256
00:13:25.399 --> 00:13:26.240
to look after people.

257
00:13:26.279 --> 00:13:27.960
I mean, have a look next time you.

258
00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:30.639
Go to a barbecue and see who's doing all the work,

259
00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:33.440
and who's in the kitchen, and who's standing around with

260
00:13:33.440 --> 00:13:36.600
the beer, standing around the standing around the barbecue. You know,

261
00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:38.840
who's cleaning up the house before the people come to visit.

262
00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:41.600
Who's the one carrying the majority of parenting and the

263
00:13:42.639 --> 00:13:45.559
domestic labor and all of that. It's this, you know,

264
00:13:45.759 --> 00:13:50.840
doing for everybody, almost instinctively, almost without question. So that's

265
00:13:51.159 --> 00:13:53.440
kind of a summary of all of the kinds of

266
00:13:53.519 --> 00:13:57.080
conditions that may lead to this people pleasing kind of behavior.

267
00:13:57.279 --> 00:14:00.879
I've been reflecting on a few of my coaching clients recently.

268
00:14:01.080 --> 00:14:04.120
It's interesting that recently I had a string like over

269
00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:07.200
the course of a week, several of my clients all

270
00:14:07.200 --> 00:14:12.840
showed up angry, like just expressing this anger that they

271
00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:17.720
has been repressed for a long time, And it got

272
00:14:17.759 --> 00:14:19.440
me to thinking, maybe I should be doing a podcast

273
00:14:19.480 --> 00:14:22.840
episode on that it's okay to express healthy anger because

274
00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:26.039
in every case there would be this anger, but it

275
00:14:26.120 --> 00:14:29.799
was always kind of moderated or or there was a

276
00:14:29.840 --> 00:14:32.000
disclaimer around it, or there was oh, I know, I

277
00:14:32.039 --> 00:14:34.440
should have compassion for that person, like I can understand

278
00:14:34.440 --> 00:14:38.000
why they did that. It was anger about abusive ex partners,

279
00:14:38.279 --> 00:14:42.919
previous partners, current partners, abusive parents, parents failing to protect,

280
00:14:43.399 --> 00:14:47.080
like all different sort of circumstances and scenarios. But it

281
00:14:47.120 --> 00:14:49.360
was just like this anger was coming to the surface,

282
00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:50.840
and I was thinking, maybe I should be doing an

283
00:14:50.840 --> 00:14:53.159
episode on anger, like it's okay to be angry. But

284
00:14:53.200 --> 00:14:54.720
as I started to think about it more, I thought,

285
00:14:54.759 --> 00:14:56.279
you know what, this is actually not just about the

286
00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:59.519
anger that's presenting now. This is about why women are

287
00:14:59.679 --> 00:15:02.480
anger now. And it's like this build up. It's this

288
00:15:02.919 --> 00:15:09.440
people pleasing, suppressing, sacrificing, subjugating for a long time, tolerating,

289
00:15:09.679 --> 00:15:13.120
keeping the peace, taking the high road, being the bigger person,

290
00:15:13.320 --> 00:15:17.440
pulling the weight for everybody, and then finally going I

291
00:15:17.799 --> 00:15:20.159
have had it, like enough is enough. And that is

292
00:15:20.200 --> 00:15:23.240
what happens with people pleasing. It is all fine on

293
00:15:23.320 --> 00:15:26.240
the surface, it's all good, and I'm doing all the things.

294
00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:28.639
I'm looking after everybody and everybody's happy and it's okay,

295
00:15:28.759 --> 00:15:31.080
I can take it, I can manage it, and then

296
00:15:31.080 --> 00:15:34.399
it's just bubbling up to the surface as this like rage,

297
00:15:34.759 --> 00:15:37.080
which is why I thought, Okay, well, let's talk about

298
00:15:37.080 --> 00:15:38.960
people pleasing. Maybe if we talk about people pleasing and

299
00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:40.639
we get a handle on that and we stop people

300
00:15:40.639 --> 00:15:43.320
from doing that, then maybe then we won't have so

301
00:15:43.399 --> 00:15:47.120
much of this like rage coming out in people. Hence

302
00:15:47.159 --> 00:15:49.600
the topic of the conversation, especially since we are going

303
00:15:49.639 --> 00:15:52.039
into Christmas and I know it is a time when

304
00:15:52.120 --> 00:15:55.440
people often feel pressure to do things they don't want

305
00:15:55.480 --> 00:15:57.600
to do, go to events they don't want to go to,

306
00:15:57.919 --> 00:15:59.679
and all the things. You know what I'm talking about.

307
00:15:59.840 --> 00:16:02.039
You know what I'm talking about. So how do you

308
00:16:02.120 --> 00:16:04.399
know if it is a problem or if you're just

309
00:16:04.440 --> 00:16:06.799
one of those people who is so happy to help,

310
00:16:06.919 --> 00:16:10.039
like you get joy from bringing joy to other people.

311
00:16:10.039 --> 00:16:12.360
If you're one of those people, you know it's a problem.

312
00:16:12.519 --> 00:16:17.799
If you are feeling drained, depleted, you're starting to maybe

313
00:16:17.799 --> 00:16:20.720
feel resentful, even if you're not expressing that to anybody,

314
00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:23.200
even if just quietly in your own mind, you're starting

315
00:16:23.240 --> 00:16:26.559
to feel a little annoyed with people, and maybe it's

316
00:16:26.600 --> 00:16:28.840
low level. Maybe it's like right at the surface and

317
00:16:28.879 --> 00:16:31.759
you've really had it if you are struggling to say no,

318
00:16:32.279 --> 00:16:36.559
even when you know it's compromising your own happiness or

319
00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:39.519
your own wellbeing, your own peace, your own opportunity to

320
00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:42.360
rest relaxed, do what you want to do. If you're

321
00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:44.399
a person who says no, I'm more than happy to

322
00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:47.039
help out like that, I love helping out, like that's

323
00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:50.559
my thing, not an issue for me, great. But if

324
00:16:50.600 --> 00:16:55.279
it is an issue for you, if actually somebody needs

325
00:16:55.320 --> 00:16:58.080
help or want something from you, and it is going

326
00:16:58.120 --> 00:16:59.720
to get in the way of something that you would

327
00:16:59.799 --> 00:17:03.720
rather do, or you really genuinely don't want to do that,

328
00:17:03.879 --> 00:17:05.599
or you don't have the space, or it would really

329
00:17:05.680 --> 00:17:08.839
stretch you to do that. Can you comfortably say no?

330
00:17:09.400 --> 00:17:12.160
Can you comfortably say I would love to help, but

331
00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:15.079
I'm really sorry, I'm at capacity, because if you can't,

332
00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:18.440
if that feels really uncomfortable, then maybe it actually is

333
00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:22.119
a problem. It's about being able to know and to

334
00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:25.599
say no, like to know when you can't you don't

335
00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:28.400
want to, and to be comfortable to express that and

336
00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:30.240
not then be racked with guilt.

337
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:31.599
That's the other thing.

338
00:17:31.640 --> 00:17:34.039
Too right to be able to say no without guilt.

339
00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:36.720
At work, it could be that you are taking on

340
00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:40.279
so many of these extra roles and responsibilities and jumping

341
00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:42.960
in committees or helping out of the last minute because

342
00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:45.880
there's some urgent deadline that it's actually compromising your ability

343
00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:48.680
to do what is important to you, like the tasks

344
00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:51.759
that are your priority, because you're being pulled in so

345
00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:54.680
many other different directions, helping out other people, being a

346
00:17:54.720 --> 00:17:57.759
team player and being cooperative and being supportive, and it's

347
00:17:57.880 --> 00:17:59.799
actually getting in the way of you doing the job

348
00:18:00.119 --> 00:18:02.799
being paid to do. You might also just start to

349
00:18:02.839 --> 00:18:05.799
notice that you're feeling, you know, getting a headache, y,

350
00:18:05.960 --> 00:18:09.480
like you're irritable. Maybe you're starting to feel a little

351
00:18:09.480 --> 00:18:13.799
snappy and short tempered because you're at capacity because you're

352
00:18:13.839 --> 00:18:15.880
kind of being pushed to your limit. And if you're

353
00:18:15.880 --> 00:18:19.759
feeling undervalued, I guess and unappreciated, if you're really starting

354
00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:23.559
to notice and feel like it's lopsided, like the amount

355
00:18:23.559 --> 00:18:26.000
that you're doing or contributing or helping out, or the

356
00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:30.559
effort that you're making is really not being reciprocated. There's

357
00:18:30.599 --> 00:18:33.519
an expectation that you're going to do it, or that

358
00:18:33.559 --> 00:18:35.319
you're going to carry the weight or do the thing,

359
00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:38.720
and without people, with people not even bothering to ask

360
00:18:38.839 --> 00:18:41.839
you what your needs are. They are so accustomed to

361
00:18:41.960 --> 00:18:44.279
you just going along or doing what they want to do.

362
00:18:44.400 --> 00:18:45.960
So that can be a bit of a red flag

363
00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:49.079
as well. So where do you draw the line and

364
00:18:49.240 --> 00:18:52.119
how do you go about setting some boundaries. So the

365
00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:56.400
first thing is to really recognize that helping out, doing

366
00:18:56.440 --> 00:18:58.640
things for other people is not a bad thing. It's

367
00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:01.359
a wonderful quality if you have that got that generosity

368
00:19:01.359 --> 00:19:04.799
and that willingness to help out, neglecting yourself and your

369
00:19:04.839 --> 00:19:08.400
own needs, or and I would add, not even knowing

370
00:19:08.440 --> 00:19:11.440
what your needs are or what your desires and preferences are.

371
00:19:12.039 --> 00:19:15.759
That is when we have a problem when you have

372
00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:18.480
difficulty saying no. Like I said, even if you would

373
00:19:18.480 --> 00:19:21.160
actually rather not do something, and you really feel like

374
00:19:21.640 --> 00:19:24.119
you don't have it in you, you find you really

375
00:19:24.160 --> 00:19:27.559
struggle with saying no. Well, that is that's a problem.

376
00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:30.839
So it can really help to first of all, get

377
00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:33.759
clear on what is important to you, like, what are

378
00:19:33.759 --> 00:19:37.079
the non negotiables for you? What are your values? How

379
00:19:37.119 --> 00:19:39.359
do you want to spend your time, what is it

380
00:19:39.359 --> 00:19:41.519
that you want to contribute what do you feel good doing,

381
00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:45.559
but also what is really important for you your family, whether

382
00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:49.079
it's your kids, and just knowing that upfront. The more

383
00:19:49.119 --> 00:19:51.200
that you're clear on that and the more you know

384
00:19:51.319 --> 00:19:54.200
what your priorities are, the easier it is going to

385
00:19:54.240 --> 00:19:57.319
be to say no to somebody else because in your

386
00:19:57.359 --> 00:20:00.640
mind you already know I can't do that unless there

387
00:20:00.680 --> 00:20:04.359
is extra space after I have attended to x YZ

388
00:20:04.799 --> 00:20:07.359
my stuff the things that are important to me.

389
00:20:07.960 --> 00:20:08.839
You can't do that.

390
00:20:09.039 --> 00:20:11.319
You can't know, and you're going to just be pulled

391
00:20:11.319 --> 00:20:15.240
in to everybody else's plans if you haven't got really

392
00:20:15.319 --> 00:20:17.720
clear on your own mind about what your priorities are.

393
00:20:18.000 --> 00:20:20.240
So you know, maybe if you're thinking ahead to the

394
00:20:20.240 --> 00:20:25.039
holidays and to time for Christmas and family events and

395
00:20:25.160 --> 00:20:28.680
family time, maybe you want to really start thinking about

396
00:20:28.720 --> 00:20:30.880
what would be really good for me. What is it

397
00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:32.680
that I want to do, Who are the people that

398
00:20:32.720 --> 00:20:34.559
I want to be with, how do I want to

399
00:20:34.599 --> 00:20:37.759
spend my time? And then if you start getting asked

400
00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:40.240
and pulled off into other things, do you have a

401
00:20:40.319 --> 00:20:43.559
basic framework where you can go Is that going to

402
00:20:43.599 --> 00:20:48.720
impact my plans my priorities? Am I willing to do that?

403
00:20:49.079 --> 00:20:52.920
To make that sacrifice and at least, you know, rather

404
00:20:53.000 --> 00:20:56.000
than being pulled off into everybody else's plans, saying yes

405
00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:58.799
to everybody else and then kind of working with the

406
00:20:58.839 --> 00:21:01.599
scraps of what's left over, what time is left over,

407
00:21:02.079 --> 00:21:04.400
to do what you want to do, you know, putting

408
00:21:04.400 --> 00:21:06.920
yourself last, putting yourself at the bottom of the pile,

409
00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:10.440
and only looking to you know, your needs after everybody

410
00:21:10.440 --> 00:21:12.920
else's needs have been taken care of. Let's just flip

411
00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:15.400
that straight away. Let's just put your needs at the

412
00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:18.160
top and then see what else you can fit in

413
00:21:18.279 --> 00:21:20.920
around that. Don't worry, it's not selfish. I know you're

414
00:21:20.920 --> 00:21:22.240
feeling guilty already about that.

415
00:21:22.279 --> 00:21:23.599
Oh my god, how could I do that?

416
00:21:24.200 --> 00:21:26.400
You can do that, trust me. It's still a room

417
00:21:26.440 --> 00:21:28.680
to be flexible. There's still room to make compromises. But

418
00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:30.680
you've got to start with you at the top of

419
00:21:30.680 --> 00:21:32.920
the pile, your needs, your priorities.

420
00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:34.480
And then the important thing.

421
00:21:34.440 --> 00:21:37.039
Is how you say no, and how you say no

422
00:21:37.599 --> 00:21:41.000
in a way that's kind and compassionate, that doesn't feel

423
00:21:41.079 --> 00:21:43.079
rude or impolite.

424
00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:44.920
Because no, that's your biggest fear if you're a people pleaser.

425
00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:49.599
And so it's practicing phrases like oh, we'd love to

426
00:21:49.680 --> 00:21:52.240
do that, but I'm sorry, I'm just I'm at capacity

427
00:21:52.319 --> 00:21:55.319
right now. I would love to do that, but in order.

428
00:21:55.400 --> 00:21:56.880
This is one that I learned years ago. I can't

429
00:21:56.880 --> 00:21:59.000
remember i've shared this with you guys, but I learned

430
00:21:59.079 --> 00:22:01.119
years ago. If somebody was asking me for my time,

431
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:04.039
especially voluntarily, like oh, can we have a coffee?

432
00:22:04.119 --> 00:22:04.920
I want to pick your brain.

433
00:22:05.039 --> 00:22:07.359
Can you help me, you know, talk to me about

434
00:22:07.359 --> 00:22:08.799
what you're doing so because I want to do the

435
00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:09.880
same thing, like I used to get a lot of

436
00:22:09.880 --> 00:22:13.000
those kinds of requests. And what I learned was that

437
00:22:13.119 --> 00:22:15.759
is so lovely of you to think of me. Thank

438
00:22:15.759 --> 00:22:19.240
you so much. In order to honor my existing commitments.

439
00:22:19.480 --> 00:22:21.240
I'm really sorry. I'm going to have to say no

440
00:22:21.319 --> 00:22:23.160
to that, but I wish you all the best with

441
00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:24.319
whatever it is that you're doing.

442
00:22:24.480 --> 00:22:25.839
Write that down. That's a good one.

443
00:22:26.119 --> 00:22:29.119
I so appreciate you thinking of me in order to

444
00:22:29.799 --> 00:22:34.720
honor my existing commitments. I'm going to have to politely decline.

445
00:22:34.759 --> 00:22:37.079
I'm gonna have to say no, but I wish you

446
00:22:37.119 --> 00:22:40.640
all the best with that. It's good, right. So we

447
00:22:41.000 --> 00:22:43.440
practice these phrases. You've got to be able to pull

448
00:22:43.480 --> 00:22:45.759
out these phrases, and you know what the best one is.

449
00:22:46.680 --> 00:22:48.960
Let me go and check my calendar, Let me go

450
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:51.000
check with my partner, Let me go check. I don't

451
00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:53.400
care who you got to check with, but buy some time.

452
00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:57.599
You have got to buy some time. If your instinctive reaction,

453
00:22:57.640 --> 00:23:00.559
if your instinct is to say yes immediately, oh yeah,

454
00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:02.079
of course I'd love to help, and you know, and

455
00:23:02.079 --> 00:23:04.279
then immediately go fuck, what did I say yes to that?

456
00:23:04.440 --> 00:23:07.039
Like I don't actually really want to do that. Then

457
00:23:07.079 --> 00:23:10.920
you need to start practicing taking a deep breath and saying, oh,

458
00:23:11.079 --> 00:23:14.079
that sounds interesting. Let me come back to you, Let

459
00:23:14.119 --> 00:23:16.119
me see what else is going on, Let me check

460
00:23:16.160 --> 00:23:19.079
the family calendar, let me see what other plans. Use

461
00:23:19.079 --> 00:23:21.160
your partner, if you need to use anybody, use your mother.

462
00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:21.680
I don't care.

463
00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:25.960
Buy time, go away. Really think about if that is

464
00:23:26.000 --> 00:23:28.759
something that you have capacity for. Really think about if

465
00:23:28.759 --> 00:23:31.279
that's going to compromise what you want to do with

466
00:23:31.400 --> 00:23:35.200
your time. You know your energy levels, and then make

467
00:23:35.240 --> 00:23:37.519
the decision about whether you can do that. And if

468
00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:40.000
you can't, well, then it's a so lovely of you

469
00:23:40.039 --> 00:23:42.240
to think of me in order to honor my existing commitments.

470
00:23:42.319 --> 00:23:44.680
I'm gonna have to say no or thank you. I

471
00:23:44.680 --> 00:23:47.039
would love to, but i'm so sorry, I'm at capacity

472
00:23:47.319 --> 00:23:51.119
right now, or we've got something else on whatever. But

473
00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:54.279
you are a polite no and you know sometimes you

474
00:23:54.359 --> 00:23:57.279
might say, oh, I'm so sorry I can't help you

475
00:23:57.319 --> 00:23:59.799
with that, but maybe there's somebody else that I could ask.

476
00:24:00.119 --> 00:24:03.160
Maybe I could refer you to somebody else. If that's

477
00:24:03.240 --> 00:24:05.599
easy thing for you to do, then by all means,

478
00:24:05.640 --> 00:24:08.160
do it. What I don't love about that is that

479
00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:11.720
it's almost taking on the responsibility of finding somebody to

480
00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:14.000
do that when it was never your responsibility to do

481
00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:16.240
that in the first place. So if it's easy for

482
00:24:16.319 --> 00:24:19.000
you to say, I'm not going to be able to

483
00:24:19.000 --> 00:24:20.839
do that, but how about you know what, I think

484
00:24:20.880 --> 00:24:23.400
I know somebody who might be able to help, especially

485
00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:26.160
like in the workplace or something. But I don't really

486
00:24:26.200 --> 00:24:29.799
love the offering to find somebody else and taking on

487
00:24:29.839 --> 00:24:33.480
the responsibility of finding somebody else. So just be careful

488
00:24:33.480 --> 00:24:36.319
about that. So fucking just some all of that up.

489
00:24:36.519 --> 00:24:39.599
People pleasing behavior stems from a whole lot of different

490
00:24:39.720 --> 00:24:44.240
kind of causes and conditions. It's psychological factors, it's social factors,

491
00:24:44.359 --> 00:24:47.119
and it's not necessarily a problem until it's a problem

492
00:24:47.160 --> 00:24:49.960
for you, until it leads to you compromising your own boundaries,

493
00:24:50.240 --> 00:24:54.000
depleting your own resources, and neglecting your own needs, or

494
00:24:54.240 --> 00:24:56.799
and I will add being out of touch with your

495
00:24:56.839 --> 00:24:59.240
own needs, because I think so many people say, no,

496
00:24:59.319 --> 00:25:01.680
it's not a problem, there's nothing else I'd rather do.

497
00:25:02.039 --> 00:25:04.319
But if I asked you what your needs are or

498
00:25:04.359 --> 00:25:06.440
where do you find joy or what's your self care

499
00:25:06.559 --> 00:25:09.319
or how do you like to spend your free time, then.

500
00:25:09.240 --> 00:25:10.799
You might say I'll get nothing.

501
00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:14.119
So as long as you are in touch with your

502
00:25:14.200 --> 00:25:17.359
own needs and you still feel like you have capacity, fine.

503
00:25:17.759 --> 00:25:19.640
The other thing that I want to say is that

504
00:25:20.119 --> 00:25:23.200
if your ultimate objective with people pleasing is to have

505
00:25:23.240 --> 00:25:26.200
harmonious relationships because you want to make people happy, you

506
00:25:26.200 --> 00:25:29.440
want to keep the peace, you want to maintain the friendship,

507
00:25:29.559 --> 00:25:31.640
then just remember that if you are saying yes when

508
00:25:31.680 --> 00:25:35.799
you really mean no, it's actually dishonest. It's inauthentic, and

509
00:25:36.359 --> 00:25:39.839
it's not a great foundation for a relationship. I mean,

510
00:25:39.880 --> 00:25:41.960
I could go as far as to say it's being

511
00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:44.400
dishonest with somebody in order.

512
00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:45.240
To win their approval.

513
00:25:45.519 --> 00:25:47.880
And I don't know that that's really the basis of

514
00:25:47.920 --> 00:25:50.480
a really healthy relationship. I don't think it's fair to

515
00:25:50.519 --> 00:25:53.640
the other person. They don't know if you genuinely don't

516
00:25:53.640 --> 00:25:55.720
want to do that, and they might be mortified to

517
00:25:55.759 --> 00:25:57.839
know that you're saying yes when you really would rather

518
00:25:57.880 --> 00:26:02.440
not do something. So in this spirit of having authentic relationships,

519
00:26:02.759 --> 00:26:05.599
not just peaceful relationships, for you're doing all of this

520
00:26:05.839 --> 00:26:10.480
sacrificing in order to keep that superficial piece. Genuinely authentic

521
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:14.200
relationships would allow you to be really honest and authentic

522
00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:16.200
and an upfront about what you can do and what

523
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:18.640
you can't do. It makes for a much more balanced relationship.

524
00:26:18.880 --> 00:26:21.160
Means the other person knows where they stand with you.

525
00:26:21.559 --> 00:26:24.680
It means that you're not having this fest during potentially

526
00:26:24.799 --> 00:26:29.039
fest during kind of resentment, which often happens in relationships

527
00:26:29.039 --> 00:26:32.200
where there is a tendency for people pleasing you will

528
00:26:32.240 --> 00:26:34.920
give and give and give, but underneath the surface there

529
00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:41.319
is this kind of simmering resentment, feeling unappreciated, feeling undervalued,

530
00:26:41.759 --> 00:26:45.039
feeling like the relationship is not balanced, And ultimately that

531
00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:47.880
is not good for any relationships, not just not good

532
00:26:47.880 --> 00:26:50.160
for you, it's actually not fair to the other person

533
00:26:50.279 --> 00:26:53.279
because they're not the one causing your people pleasing behavior.

534
00:26:53.319 --> 00:26:56.400
I mean, you know, unless they're abusive and really toxic,

535
00:26:57.319 --> 00:27:01.240
that's another story. So just can be helpful to reframe that,

536
00:27:01.400 --> 00:27:03.960
to actually step away from this idea that I'm just

537
00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:06.519
such a nice person and I do everything for everybody

538
00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:08.799
and I'm the one who does everything in this relationship

539
00:27:08.839 --> 00:27:11.240
and they don't appreciate me, and actually go o, well, actually,

540
00:27:11.240 --> 00:27:13.880
you know what, I'm the one being dishonest here. I'm

541
00:27:13.880 --> 00:27:17.079
the one not being upfront. I'm the one being inauthentic.

542
00:27:17.319 --> 00:27:20.039
And then I'm carrying this resentment towards this person and

543
00:27:20.079 --> 00:27:23.079
they don't even know it because I'm not expressing it

544
00:27:23.079 --> 00:27:25.240
doesn't sound so nice then, does it? Like it doesn't

545
00:27:25.240 --> 00:27:28.480
actually sound so kind hearted. So just remember saying no.

546
00:27:28.519 --> 00:27:30.799
It doesn't make you selfish. It makes you honest. It

547
00:27:30.839 --> 00:27:33.359
makes you somebody who can be relied upon to be truthful.

548
00:27:33.799 --> 00:27:35.960
It means that people know where they stand with you,

549
00:27:36.160 --> 00:27:39.599
and most people will appreciate that. It means that people

550
00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:43.079
don't have to guess whether you're okay to do something

551
00:27:43.160 --> 00:27:45.680
or you're not. I mean, generally people want to know

552
00:27:46.359 --> 00:27:49.240
good friends. You know good people. They want to know

553
00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:52.720
how you really feel, and they want to know if

554
00:27:52.839 --> 00:27:54.920
they're crossing a line, if they're expecting too much of you.

555
00:27:55.079 --> 00:27:58.000
They don't want you doing things that you genuinely don't

556
00:27:58.000 --> 00:27:59.640
want to do or you don't have capacity to do,

557
00:27:59.720 --> 00:28:02.680
and they don't want you neglecting your needs for their sake.

558
00:28:03.160 --> 00:28:06.119
So it's okay. You know it is okay, and it

559
00:28:06.200 --> 00:28:08.160
is a good thing for you to be honest about

560
00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:10.599
your needs. If it's a quality relationship, you're not going

561
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:14.319
to upset anybody. So just make sure that you're prioritizing

562
00:28:14.359 --> 00:28:16.880
your needs, that you're very clear upfront with what's important

563
00:28:16.920 --> 00:28:19.559
to you. Everybody else can fit in around that, not

564
00:28:19.680 --> 00:28:22.000
the other way around. I really hope that that's helpful

565
00:28:22.000 --> 00:28:24.839
as you go into the holiday season particularly, or anywhere else,

566
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:27.480
that this might be relevant and applicable in your life

567
00:28:27.559 --> 00:28:30.039
right now or in the future. And remember, you are

568
00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:33.079
not responsible for other people's happiness at the cost of

569
00:28:33.119 --> 00:28:36.079
your own. If saying yes to somebody else is saying

570
00:28:36.119 --> 00:28:38.920
no to you, then it's not worth it.

571
00:28:39.160 --> 00:28:41.319
I really hope that you have enjoyed this episode.

572
00:28:41.400 --> 00:28:45.680
I'm back next week with a really interesting interview with

573
00:28:45.759 --> 00:28:50.359
a woman who basically healed from her childhood trauma using MDMA.

574
00:28:51.240 --> 00:28:53.079
Such an interesting story. I know that you're going to

575
00:28:53.160 --> 00:28:55.880
love it. I hope that you'll tune in for that one.

576
00:28:56.079 --> 00:28:58.680
I can't wait to catch you next week to that

577
00:28:58.839 --> 00:29:01.920
fabulous episode of Crappy to Happy