How to stop being a people pleaser

0:04 This is Crappita Happy, and I am your host, Cas Done. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher and of course, author of the Crappita Happy books. In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy. Welcome to another solo episode of Crappita Happy. It feels like ages since I have done one of these, and that's because it has been ages since I've done one of these. I had a few weeks off unplanned. I was just kind of focused on what I am planning for next year for the podcast.

0:54 I thought you wouldn't miss me too much. I'm very happy to be back and have brought you some really interesting interviews. I've got some great ones coming up, but I wanted to talk to you now because we're at that time of year. We're coming into Christmas. It can be a lovely time, it can also be an incredibly stressful time, and I just wanted to make sure that I am back in your ears reminding you of the things that are important to do. With boundaries and self care and rest. So this week I wanted to talk to you about people pleasing how don't know if it's a problem, what you can do about it, and you know how you can just. Keep it in check. And I think particularly at this time of year, when there's a lot of demands on your time, there's a lot of requests for time, effort, resources, energy contributing to various things, attending things, And if you are a person who has a tendency to say yes when you'd really like to say no, or even if you're a person who says yes because you just love to say yes and you love to help, and you love to do all the things and be a part of things, and you're more happy to help and it makes you happy to make other people happy. If you're one of those types, I just want to remind you that sometimes it can be really useful to make sure that you are looking after yourself at the same time and just constantly checking in with yourself to make sure that you are not crossing your own line and potentially doing for others at the detriment of yourself.

2:21 So I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I just want to remind you people pleasing is the tendency to prioritize other people's needs, their desires, you know, their preferences, what they would like from you, at the expense of your own wellbeing. Now you may say, well. You know, it's not at the expense of my well being. I'm doing things for others because I really enjoy it. And if that's the case, then happy for you. Like go you. There are definitely people like that in the world who just really love to help and who are more than willing to contribute. The world needs people like that. It can get really tricky, though, when you may be so accustomed to doing for others, accommodating others, being a team player, contributing, doing your share, helping out people, seeing where people need help, responding to calls for help. You've kind of even lost touch with maybe what you need and what you would prefer to do, so that could be potentially another conversation.

3:20 But it can be agreeing to do extra work even if your plate is full. It can be always being the person to park your own needs or put things aside to help. Out somebody else. And while that is really a nice. Quality to have, it can also be driven by a fear of criticism or rejection, a fear of conflict, not wanting to upset somebody or hurt somebody's feelings, So saying yes even when you would rather say no because you're afraid of the fallout and just a fear of being rejected or being disliked or just upsetting somebody generally. So let's have a talk about if that is the case for you, like where that might come from. To be honest, it probably doesn't even really matter, but we all have this instinctive kind of desire to want to know, well, what made me like this? Why am I like this?

4:07 Why can't I change this? Why can't I fix this? I think it's much more important to focus on is this serving me? Do I need to make a change here? You know? What might I do differently and what might be some tools and strategies that I might be able to adopt to prevent me from continually going down this path? However, we you know, some people really like to have some insight into where it comes from and where it stems from, because that can help you to recognize it and to understand in the moment what's actually going on, so that you can feel more in control of your own choices and make more empowered choices about how you spend your time and effort and energy and money and all of your resources. So oftentimes people pleasing grows out of as you can imagine, growing up in a family environment where your approval was conditional on well, just conditional full stop, where you had to make sure that whatever you were doing was keeping other people happy. You are having to modify your behavior, be acquiescent, be pleasant, just be good, you know, be good, be helpful, be polite, do the right thing. You know, these kinds of messages growing up, and if you were really not really given that freedom to express your opinion, to exert your own needs, there was this expectation that that is what is required of you in order to keep the peace and keep the family happy and make sure that Mum and dad or cares or whoever, that they would give you that positive feedback that as a child you so desperately want and need. Then, as you can imagine that that leads to later on just having this be your automatic pattern, your default to

5:39 go to, always wanting to just make sure that you're looking after other people and making sure everybody else is happy. So you know, if in your family you were always approved of because you were being helpful, you were chipping in, you were pulling your weight, you were the one that was, you know, keeping things clean and picking up after people even when others weren't, and that's what got you validation, and that's what you were positively reinforced for when that can really embed that kind of pattern of behavior in other situations. It could be that there was violence, there was tension, there was conflict in the family, and so it was very much a survival strategy to just be pleasant, be quiet, be agreeable. You know, only you know what sort of dynamics were going on in your own family home.

6:22 And it's not just in your family home. It's at school, it's and in your peer groups. It's as you grow up, and these messages continue to be reinforced. It's interesting that Spotify rapped just came out and which was just so gratifying to see the numbers Spotify listeners. If you are a Spotify listener high, but the vast majority of crappy to happy listeners listen, according to our stats, listen over on Apple, so Spotify counts for less than twenty percent, like more like fifteen percent of total listeners. So to see the podcast being in the top five podcasts for two thousand listeners on Spotify when Spotify counts for such a small percentage overall, it's just so heartwarming and just really reinforced my passion for the show and my desire to continue to make content and create the podcast and in a way that continues to be really helpful and relevant.

7:13 I'm getting off topic. I just wanted to say that, but what I'm gonna say was on Spotify Wrapped, the number one most downloaded episode was the episode that I did on Schemers and Schemer Therapy, which is kind of interesting. So I'll put that in the show notes if you want to go back and listen if you missed it. But according to the stats, a lot of people listen to that episode. But you may recall that one of the schemers that you know, one of the many schemers that can be really unhelpful, is a self sacrifice schemer, and there's a subjugation schemer as well. So these are like when you grow up with the worldview and this, you adopt this pattern of thinking and behavior that is all about suppressing your own needs for the sake of others, sacrificing your own needs, subjugating your own desires and preferences for the sake of others in the service of keeping other people happy.

7:58 So you may well have that kind of schema running. Many people do, and that's playing out as this kind of people pleasing behavior. There are certain personality traits that are linked to people pleasing. If you are familiar with the Big five, the Big five personality traits if you remember the what is the word not anagram, the acronym If you remember the acronym ocean, oce an, openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. So they are the Big five. Everybody has a combination of those Big five personality traits. They're kind of the core human personality traits. If you are high in agreeableness, if that is just part of your natural personality, which again is lovely, cooperative, helpful, get along with people you know, friendly, can also rate highly for people pleasing.

8:49 So it's like it's almost like a strength that is being overplayed. That tendency to foster positive relationships can be overplayed to the point of actually sacrificing your own needs. So again that's not a bad thing. Agreeableness is a great quality to have, but it is about how it's being expressed and to what kind of level. If you're a person who's just naturally empathetic, if you naturally kind of feel what other people feel, and you have that natural inclination to want to help when you see suffering, what you see somebody having a hard time, well, then that can also predispose you to this kind of people pleasing behavior. Again, admirable, like really lovely to want to help, And it's not about the wanting to help, and then everybody should just like stop doing that. It is about knowing where the line is and when this behavior starts to undermine your own needs and preferences, when it is starting to come at a cost to you. People who have an anxious attachment style. Again, attachment styles is one of the most popular episodes that I've done in the past.

9:56 You may recall that people with an anxious attachment style, who if you've grown up in family environment where you never quite knew if that love and approval was going to be there or if it wasn't going to be so, if somebody is just emotionally avoidant. If a caregiver is emotionally avoidant and unavailable, well that will lead to you being most likely having a kind of an avoidant attachment style, which means you sort of shut off your own emotional needs and your own attachment needs because you've learned that your needs aren't going to be met. So it's not that you don't have attachment needs, it's just that you shut them down for your own survival, your own sort of emotional and psychological survival, and you become very self reliant and very independent. Now another version, another variation of insecure attachment is this anxious attachment style, and this is where caregivers are either inconsistently available. It's like then you never quite know what you're going to get, or they can sometimes come with very intrusive parenting, whether kind of in your business all the time, almost maybe even looking for you to satisfy their needs, you know, looking for you to keep them emotionally regulated. So that can also lead to an anxious attachment style, which manifests often as this like really hyper alertness to cues of rejection or criticism, like really being hyper alert to any sign that somebody may be not happy with you, and whether it's in an email or a text or just a facial expression, the anxious attachment style is kind of this constant reassurance seeking, this looking for somebody to reassure you all the time

11:29 that they do care for you and that they are there for you, and that they do like you, and they want to be your friend or they want to be in a relationship with you and of course they love you and no, they're not having an affair, and you know, because it can lead to this kind of jealousy and clingliness. And I guess the other thing with the anxious attachment style is that it is it's really hard for that reassurance to land. So no matter how many times somebody tells you, no, it's fine, of course I love you, I want to be with you, of course i'm your friend, it's like, oh, that makes you feel better temporarily, but then that anxiety comes up again. It's like really hard to hold. So it's is constant proximity seeking reassurance seeking, which you know, ironically can sometimes then drive people away and become like a self fulfilling prophecy almost. But you can imagine it makes sense that that kind of anxious attachment style may well lead to people pleasing kinds of behaviors, like always wanting to make sure that you're looking after the other person and doing everything for them and making sure that they're okay in order to shore up their affection for you, in order to make sure that they're going to not leave you, that they want to stay with you, making yourself really indispensable to that person, And that can play out in the workplace as well. That's not just in personal relationships, that can play out in lots of different domains, in platonic friendships as well. So attachment styles it's really helpful to understand those because they do show up not just in romantic relationships but across the board. And then obviously there's just the gender expectation, like women are expected to be nurturing, mothers are expected to make the sacrifices do everything for their kids. There's certain occupations therapy, health care, teaching,

13:01 maybe even like those kinds of caregiving nurturing professions where you're almost expected to martyr yourself, to go over and above to look after other people's needs. But the female thing and the mother thing, I think those are really strong, and no matter how far we've come in terms of feminism and gender equity, a lot of still carry that that expectation that as a woman, your job is basically to look after people. I mean, have a look next time you. Go to a barbecue and see who's doing all the work, and who's in the kitchen, and who's standing around with the beer, standing around the standing around the barbecue. You know, who's cleaning up the house before the people come to visit. Who's the one carrying the majority of parenting and the domestic labor and all of that. It's this, you know, doing for everybody, almost instinctively, almost without question. So that's kind of a summary of all of the kinds of conditions that may lead to this people pleasing kind of behavior.

13:57 I've been reflecting on a few of my coaching clients recently. It's interesting that recently I had a string like over the course of a week, several of my clients all showed up angry, like just expressing this anger that they has been repressed for a long time, And it got me to thinking, maybe I should be doing a podcast episode on that it's okay to express healthy anger because in every case there would be this anger, but it was always kind of moderated or or there was a disclaimer around it, or there was oh, I know, I should have compassion for that person, like I can understand why they did that. It was anger about abusive ex partners, previous partners, current partners, abusive parents, parents failing to protect, like all different sort of circumstances and scenarios. But it was just like this anger was coming to the surface, and I was thinking, maybe I should be doing an episode on anger, like it's okay to be angry. But as I started to think about it more, I thought, you know what, this is actually not just about the anger that's presenting now. This is about why women are anger now. And it's like this build up. It's this people pleasing, suppressing, sacrificing, subjugating for a long time, tolerating, keeping the peace, taking the high road, being the bigger person, pulling the weight for everybody, and then finally going I have had it, like enough is enough. And that is what happens with people pleasing. It is all fine on the surface, it's all good, and I'm doing all the things.

15:26 I'm looking after everybody and everybody's happy and it's okay, I can take it, I can manage it, and then it's just bubbling up to the surface as this like rage, which is why I thought, Okay, well, let's talk about people pleasing. Maybe if we talk about people pleasing and we get a handle on that and we stop people from doing that, then maybe then we won't have so much of this like rage coming out in people. Hence the topic of the conversation, especially since we are going into Christmas and I know it is a time when people often feel pressure to do things they don't want to do, go to events they don't want to go to, and all the things. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. So how do you know if it is a problem or if you're just one of those people who is so happy to help, like you get joy from bringing joy to other people.

16:10 If you're one of those people, you know it's a problem. If you are feeling drained, depleted, you're starting to maybe feel resentful, even if you're not expressing that to anybody, even if just quietly in your own mind, you're starting to feel a little annoyed with people, and maybe it's low level. Maybe it's like right at the surface and you've really had it if you are struggling to say no, even when you know it's compromising your own happiness or your own wellbeing, your own peace, your own opportunity to rest relaxed, do what you want to do. If you're a person who says no, I'm more than happy to help out like that, I love helping out, like that's my thing, not an issue for me, great. But if it is an issue for you, if actually somebody needs help or want something from you, and it is going to get in the way of something that you would rather do, or you really genuinely don't want to do that, or you don't have the space, or it would really stretch you to do that. Can you comfortably say no?

17:09 Can you comfortably say I would love to help, but I'm really sorry, I'm at capacity, because if you can't, if that feels really uncomfortable, then maybe it actually is a problem. It's about being able to know and to say no, like to know when you can't you don't want to, and to be comfortable to express that and not then be racked with guilt. That's the other thing. Too right to be able to say no without guilt. At work, it could be that you are taking on so many of these extra roles and responsibilities and jumping in committees or helping out of the last minute because there's some urgent deadline that it's actually compromising your ability to do what is important to you, like the tasks that are your priority, because you're being pulled in so many other different directions, helping out other people, being a team player and being cooperative and being supportive, and it's actually getting in the way of you doing the job being paid to do. You might also just start to notice that you're feeling, you know, getting a headache, y, like you're irritable. Maybe you're starting to feel a little snappy and short tempered because you're at capacity because you're kind of being pushed to your limit. And if you're feeling undervalued, I guess and unappreciated, if you're really starting to notice and feel like it's lopsided, like the amount that you're doing or contributing or helping out, or the effort that you're making is really not being reciprocated. There's an expectation that you're going to do it, or that you're going to carry the weight or do the thing, and without people, with people not even bothering to ask you what your needs are. They are so accustomed to

18:41 you just going along or doing what they want to do. So that can be a bit of a red flag as well. So where do you draw the line and how do you go about setting some boundaries. So the first thing is to really recognize that helping out, doing things for other people is not a bad thing. It's a wonderful quality if you have that got that generosity and that willingness to help out, neglecting yourself and your own needs, or and I would add, not even knowing what your needs are or what your desires and preferences are. That is when we have a problem when you have difficulty saying no. Like I said, even if you would actually rather not do something, and you really feel like you don't have it in you, you find you really struggle with saying no. Well, that is that's a problem.

19:27 So it can really help to first of all, get clear on what is important to you, like, what are the non negotiables for you? What are your values? How do you want to spend your time, what is it that you want to contribute what do you feel good doing, but also what is really important for you your family, whether it's your kids, and just knowing that upfront. The more that you're clear on that and the more you know what your priorities are, the easier it is going to be to say no to somebody else because in your mind you already know I can't do that unless there is extra space after I have attended to x YZ my stuff the things that are important to me.

20:07 You can't do that. You can't know, and you're going to just be pulled in to everybody else's plans if you haven't got really clear on your own mind about what your priorities are. So you know, maybe if you're thinking ahead to the holidays and to time for Christmas and family events and family time, maybe you want to really start thinking about what would be really good for me. What is it that I want to do, Who are the people that I want to be with, how do I want to spend my time? And then if you start getting asked and pulled off into other things, do you have a basic framework where you can go Is that going to impact my plans my priorities? Am I willing to do that?

20:49 To make that sacrifice and at least, you know, rather than being pulled off into everybody else's plans, saying yes to everybody else and then kind of working with the scraps of what's left over, what time is left over, to do what you want to do, you know, putting yourself last, putting yourself at the bottom of the pile, and only looking to you know, your needs after everybody else's needs have been taken care of. Let's just flip that straight away. Let's just put your needs at the top and then see what else you can fit in around that. Don't worry, it's not selfish. I know you're feeling guilty already about that. Oh my god, how could I do that? You can do that, trust me. It's still a room to be flexible. There's still room to make compromises. But you've got to start with you at the top of the pile, your needs, your priorities.

21:33 And then the important thing. Is how you say no, and how you say no in a way that's kind and compassionate, that doesn't feel rude or impolite. Because no, that's your biggest fear if you're a people pleaser. And so it's practicing phrases like oh, we'd love to do that, but I'm sorry, I'm just I'm at capacity right now. I would love to do that, but in order. This is one that I learned years ago. I can't remember i've shared this with you guys, but I learned years ago. If somebody was asking me for my time, especially voluntarily, like oh, can we have a coffee? I want to pick your brain. Can you help me, you know, talk to me about what you're doing so because I want to do the same thing, like I used to get a lot of those kinds of requests. And what I learned was that is so lovely of you to think of me. Thank you so much. In order to honor my existing commitments.

22:19 I'm really sorry. I'm going to have to say no to that, but I wish you all the best with whatever it is that you're doing. Write that down. That's a good one. I so appreciate you thinking of me in order to honor my existing commitments. I'm going to have to politely decline. I'm gonna have to say no, but I wish you all the best with that. It's good, right. So we practice these phrases. You've got to be able to pull out these phrases, and you know what the best one is. Let me go and check my calendar, Let me go check with my partner, Let me go check. I don't care who you got to check with, but buy some time. You have got to buy some time. If your instinctive reaction, if your instinct is to say yes immediately, oh yeah, of course I'd love to help, and you know, and then immediately go fuck, what did I say yes to that?

23:04 Like I don't actually really want to do that. Then you need to start practicing taking a deep breath and saying, oh, that sounds interesting. Let me come back to you, Let me see what else is going on, Let me check the family calendar, let me see what other plans. Use your partner, if you need to use anybody, use your mother. I don't care. Buy time, go away. Really think about if that is something that you have capacity for. Really think about if that's going to compromise what you want to do with your time. You know your energy levels, and then make the decision about whether you can do that. And if you can't, well, then it's a so lovely of you to think of me in order to honor my existing commitments. I'm gonna have to say no or thank you. I would love to, but i'm so sorry, I'm at capacity right now, or we've got something else on whatever. But you are a polite no and you know sometimes you might say, oh, I'm so sorry I can't help you with that, but maybe there's somebody else that I could ask.

24:00 Maybe I could refer you to somebody else. If that's easy thing for you to do, then by all means, do it. What I don't love about that is that it's almost taking on the responsibility of finding somebody to do that when it was never your responsibility to do that in the first place. So if it's easy for you to say, I'm not going to be able to do that, but how about you know what, I think I know somebody who might be able to help, especially like in the workplace or something. But I don't really love the offering to find somebody else and taking on the responsibility of finding somebody else. So just be careful about that. So fucking just some all of that up. People pleasing behavior stems from a whole lot of different kind of causes and conditions. It's psychological factors, it's social factors, and it's not necessarily a problem until it's a problem for you, until it leads to you compromising your own boundaries, depleting your own resources, and neglecting your own needs, or and I will add being out of touch with your own needs, because I think so many people say, no, it's not a problem, there's nothing else I'd rather do.

25:02 But if I asked you what your needs are or where do you find joy or what's your self care or how do you like to spend your free time, then. You might say I'll get nothing. So as long as you are in touch with your own needs and you still feel like you have capacity, fine. The other thing that I want to say is that if your ultimate objective with people pleasing is to have harmonious relationships because you want to make people happy, you want to keep the peace, you want to maintain the friendship, then just remember that if you are saying yes when you really mean no, it's actually dishonest. It's inauthentic, and it's not a great foundation for a relationship. I mean, I could go as far as to say it's being dishonest with somebody in order.

25:44 To win their approval. And I don't know that that's really the basis of a really healthy relationship. I don't think it's fair to the other person. They don't know if you genuinely don't want to do that, and they might be mortified to know that you're saying yes when you really would rather not do something. So in this spirit of having authentic relationships, not just peaceful relationships, for you're doing all of this sacrificing in order to keep that superficial piece. Genuinely authentic relationships would allow you to be really honest and authentic and an upfront about what you can do and what you can't do. It makes for a much more balanced relationship. Means the other person knows where they stand with you. It means that you're not having this fest during potentially fest during kind of resentment, which often happens in relationships where there is a tendency for people pleasing you will give and give and give, but underneath the surface there is this kind of simmering resentment, feeling unappreciated, feeling undervalued, feeling like the relationship is not balanced, And ultimately that is not good for any relationships, not just not good for you, it's actually not fair to the other person because they're not the one causing your people pleasing behavior.

26:53 I mean, you know, unless they're abusive and really toxic, that's another story. So just can be helpful to reframe that, to actually step away from this idea that I'm just such a nice person and I do everything for everybody and I'm the one who does everything in this relationship and they don't appreciate me, and actually go o, well, actually, you know what, I'm the one being dishonest here. I'm the one not being upfront. I'm the one being inauthentic. And then I'm carrying this resentment towards this person and they don't even know it because I'm not expressing it doesn't sound so nice then, does it? Like it doesn't actually sound so kind hearted. So just remember saying no. It doesn't make you selfish. It makes you honest. It makes you somebody who can be relied upon to be truthful.

27:33 It means that people know where they stand with you, and most people will appreciate that. It means that people don't have to guess whether you're okay to do something or you're not. I mean, generally people want to know good friends. You know good people. They want to know how you really feel, and they want to know if they're crossing a line, if they're expecting too much of you. They don't want you doing things that you genuinely don't want to do or you don't have capacity to do, and they don't want you neglecting your needs for their sake. So it's okay. You know it is okay, and it is a good thing for you to be honest about your needs. If it's a quality relationship, you're not going to upset anybody. So just make sure that you're prioritizing your needs, that you're very clear upfront with what's important to you. Everybody else can fit in around that, not the other way around. I really hope that that's helpful as you go into the holiday season particularly, or anywhere else, that this might be relevant and applicable in your life right now or in the future. And remember, you are not responsible for other people's happiness at the cost of your own. If saying yes to somebody else is saying no to you, then it's not worth it.

28:39 I really hope that you have enjoyed this episode. I'm back next week with a really interesting interview with a woman who basically healed from her childhood trauma using MDMA. Such an interesting story. I know that you're going to love it. I hope that you'll tune in for that one. I can't wait to catch you next week to that fabulous episode of Crappy to Happy