How to stop second guessing yourself

0:04 This is Crappita Happy and I am your host Castunn. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher and of course author of the Crappia Happy books. In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy. Hello and welcome to another solo episode of Crappya Happy. It is so good to be back. I have just got back from a month in Australia. I'm still very jet lagged, very tired, and I need to apologize because it had not been my intention to take a break from podcasting. In fact, I took all of my equipment and I had every intention of continuing to produce episodes while I was there, but it just it was not going to happen. That was just too much to do, So my apologies. I'm so happy to be back, though. I do want to let you know that I have been working on editing an interview that I did with Johann Hari, and now that I'm back home in the UK, I will absolutely get that out as soon as possible. Johann's latest book is called The Magic Pill, and it's all about the new weight loss medications. He's done so much research into the pros and the concept. That is something that is of interest to you, and I know it's a really topical thing at the moment, and lots of opinions in you know,

1:35 for and against, So I would really encourage you to tune into that when I will get that out for you next week. We did it at his house, so the audio wasn't as good, which means it's taken a little bit more effort to edit it, but I am working on it as we speak. I would love to just tell you all about my month that I just had in Australia. What I can tell you is that I was a little curious about how I would feel going back. It's the time we've been back in two years. My daughter and I went. My husband couldn't come with us because he was here working in London, so we went over there. We had her eighteenth birthday, and my god, I'm the parent of an eighteen year old now, and I really wondered if being home would make me more homesick or make me really miss the life and the lifestyle that we had on the coast, especially when we've just come out of quite a long, dreary winter here in London. Interestingly, both she and I got to the point where we were really ready to come back to London.

2:30 We feel probably even more confident than before that this is where we want to be. I'm not saying this is where we want to be forever, but it's definitely where we want to be for now. So that's kind of nice. It's nice and reassuring that isn't a question mark over whether we might be happier if we returned to Australia right now having been here for two years. And I guess that was the inspiration for today's episode, this idea about how we make decisions and how we get ourselves out of the being stuck, because I know that many of the people that I talk to clients have mine coaching clients. By the way, I am back doing one on one work these days, so if you're interested, hit me up. But also when I've been running my Beyond Confident program, my group program, I sometimes run a free workshop about how to cultivate self confidence, and on the page inviting people to come to that workshop, I run through a whole list of questions. You know, do you second guess yourself? Do you constantly feel like you're never good enough? No, a matter of qualification makes you feel qualified enough? You know, all of those self doubts that come into our mind, and this idea of all this, this question about do you constantly second guess yourself, go around and around and never trust that you're making the right decision, or do you check and recheck your work all of those kinds of things. Like many many people answering yes to that question, I know, it's a really common issue, and so it can cause us to be, you know, really stuck and paralyzed in indecision if we don't have a way of breaking out of that self doubt and indecisiveness and feeling like no matter what we do,

4:04 we're potentially going to make the wrong decision and being stuck in that analysis paralysis, I guess. So I wanted to share today some ideas about if you are experiencing that, or if you know that you tend to experience that kind of thing, that self doubt and second guessing, you would not be alone. Then I'll give you some tips about how you might be able to work through that and come out the other side of it. So I guess first and foremost when we need to make a decision about something that this could be to do with a relationship, a job, or where you want to live, or if you should move, or if you should change career, whatever it is. When we are in a situation where we need to choose between a couple of different options, it naturally gives rise to some concern. I mean, it's a fear, really, It's a fear of what if I do this thing and I make the wrong decision. But then what if I don't do it and that's the wrong decision? What if I live to regret that? And this feeling that we need that we are closing the door on an option, which is the very definition of deciding.

5:05 You know, when we make a decision, we are literally deciding to take one path and close the door on the other. And that can feel really scary. That can feel like we are walking into a situation where we may make a mistake. And many of us don't like the idea that we might make a mistake and that we might live to regret something. So what typically happens is we get up in our head and we run through all of the pros and cons. We think about all of the costs and the benefits, and when there is potentially costs and benefit on both sides, then that can just lead us going around and around in circles. I know you've been in this situation. I know I've been in this situation where you're just going round and round in circles, feeling even less clear about what the correct thing is to do. So what this boils down to, I guess is that we're looking for certainty. Often before we make a decision about something, we are really wanting to get some kind of iron cloud guarantee that what we do is going to be the right thing. And life is inherently uncertain. There often isn't an iron cloud guarantee.

6:12 We can't possibly know that we're going to make one hundred percent the correct decision about something. And so if that's what we're looking for, then that's the reason that we stay stuck. That's the reason we just stay spinning our wheels and not making any progress because there isn't certainty, and as humans, we're not great at tolerating uncertainty. And I think the more that we can learn to get comfortable with uncertainty and with ambiguity, then the more peaceful, you know, the more contented, the more likely we are to be satisfied with life because we're not constantly looking outside of ourselves, trying to predict and plan and control our external circumstances to create that feeling of certainty, which ultimately is giving us a feeling of safety. We're looking for a sense of certainty in order to feel safe inside, to be free of that fear, that fearful feeling, that scared feeling, the anxious feeling of doing the wrong thing or making a mistake, of ending up worse off than what we are now and living to regret something. So I think that's a really interesting thing to explore, you know that, just that idea that you know, where else in your life are you looking for certainty in order to create a feeling of safety? Where else in your life are you looking at controlling your external world, your external circumstances, putting things into place to give you some sense of being in control of your environment in order to create an internal feeling of safety. Because the more we do that, the more tenuous that sense of safety

7:44 is because things can change in an instant. And I think this is really the core of it, you know, like this is this is a key thing to grasp is that the more that we are looking for anything outside of ourselves to give us a feeling of peace, happiness, confidence, self worth, you know, the list goes on and on and on. The more we are looking outside of ourselves for things to be a particular way so that internally we feel a particular way, then the more tenuous our grasp is on that feeling of whatever it is that we're looking to create. So ultimately, what we're looking for and this is what I try to teach in my programs and then with my coaching is is how you create that sense of safety on the inside. How do you trust yourself that you are enough that you will be able to do the right thing, that even if you do the wrong thing, that that will be okay, So that you're kind of insourcing that feeling of safety, peace, connection, happiness, et cetera, instead of requiring things and people and circumstances outside of you to be a particular way. So we are in our heads, we're going backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. You know, what should I shouldn't, I will I won't I And apart from this idea that perhaps there is no right answer and getting comfortable with that.

8:58 But I think the other thing to consider is that clarity often comes from engagement, it doesn't come from thought. A saying that I really like is that doing is data doing, taking action, taking a step towards something, anything will give you feedback about whether that might be something that is a good thing for you to do now. It may be that in your particular situation that there is either your other all in or you're all out, but oftentimes there is a way to kind of test the waters in one direction or the other. I was just looking on social media earlier and I saw somebody has packed up and taken her family to Bali, thinking that they might want to live and travel, you know, for a period of time. But she didn't say we're going forever. She said we're going for a month. I think similarly, even with this move that we've made here to the UK, you know, we said we were coming here for two years. Now we're almost out the two year mark and we're thinking now that we might stay for longer. But whatever decision that you take whatever action you take, kind of reassuring yourself for reminding yourself that it doesn't have to be forever, that it doesn't the next step doesn't have to be the final step, but that taking any kind of action is going to get you out of that analytical over analyzing thinking about what it might be like or what might be the right thing or the wrong thing, and it's going to give you that real direct feedback through your own direct experience to know whether that might be something that is worthwhile doing.

10:24 So taking any action is better than taking no action. It's better than waiting to feel like you've got absolutely the right answer before you do anything. So just taking any step, any step at all, and getting comfortable with the idea that it might not be the right thing, that that's okay, that you can always redirect and try something different, and I would encourage you. In fact, I've got a client that I'm working with at the moment, and we've been talking about doing this in a really small way, just the most I'll give you an example, like it's not the actual it's not the actual situation, but let's say I don't know if I want to join you know, yoga or pilates. I don't know if I want to go to the gym or if I want to join a running club. So just taking an action, just joining for a month. Now that might seem really trivial to you, but there, trust me, there are people who will really get in their heads about that kind of thing, what you might consider to be a really small thing, just overthinking every decision. So take something, take anything, and just make a decision, and just take a stamp and get comfortable with the idea that you know you can change your mind, that you can do something different after.

11:29 I have another friend who actually years ago is was lived in Perth, No it was from Perth, was living in Melbourne, decided to up and go back to Perth, which she did with her whole family. Moved to Perth, was there a year and said this was a mistake, don't want to be here, up and moved back to Melbourne. I mean, I get it. These are really expensive decisions to make, but you know, you don't know unless you try. And in the end it was a great experience and ultimately I think now they've actually gone back to Perth for good, so it was the right thing. It was just the wrong time. So taking action. Basically, clarity comes from action. Clarity does not come from thought. You will not get clarity in your own head. Doing is data. Do the thing and get some direct feedback. So try that and get comfortable with it. Not necessarily having to be the right thing or the end thing, but just do something. I think that's it's a really tricky one.

12:19 I think so many of us, you know, women probably in particular. Maybe I'm stereotyping there, but I think women particularly have this whole like good girl thing and got to do the right thing and got to not make a mistake. And we have this like get a gold star and be perfect, and that's the way we've been raised and conditioned. And we feel like if we do a thing, you know, we've got to follow it all the way through. We don't have this concept in our heads that we can change our minds. And that's okay. You know that there's no shame in that. It's all just giving us feedback to help to know what the right thing, what the end goal might be. Just taking any step, you know, you can change your mind. It doesn't matter. Nobody's judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself. Nobody's watching you, nobody's watching every move that you make. They're all too busy if worrying about what decision they're going to make in their life. So, first of all, are we afraid? What are we afraid of?

13:12 Getting comfortable with uncertainty that there is no rock solar guarantee that you're going to do the right thing, that you're going to have the right answer. So getting comfortable with that and just taking an action and seeing how that feels. But the other thing is getting out of your head and into your body. So when I talk about insourcing a feeling of safety like that is when I say that, I'm really talking about kind of regulating your nervous system. When you think about the anxiety that comes up, the idea that I might make a mistake or make the wrong decision, you feel how that feels in your body, that visceral kind of response, like what if it's all wrong? What if it all goes wrong?

13:56 What if I make a mistake? That visceral feeling in your body, its core is fear, and it is a feeling of being unsafe. It's your nervous system being activated. It's your fight flight kind of response or in this case often freeze response being activated. It's being stuck like a deer in the headlights because you're afraid to make a move. It's not rational, it's none of it's meant to be rational. That is meant to be kind of primitive and primal. But is your body reacting and telling you that this is unsafe? And remember, story follows state, So the state of your nervous system is what's feeding the story in your head. If the state of your nervous system is kind of activated and the threat response has been triggered by this idea that I might do something wrong, then your brain its job is to make meaning.

14:50 Its job is to layer a story over that sensation in your body. And so that's where your brain comes in and starts coming up with all of the rationalations and all of the justifications for why you feel this way, and you know, creating stories about this, you know, right thing, wrong thing, and why you shouldn't do that, and you should do this and what about that? And you know, that's your brain just trying to make sense of what's happening in your body. So the more that we can get out of that brain because that's just keeping you stuck. That's not getting you anywhere. It's also not helping. What you actually need to do is to cultivate a feeling of safety in your body, in your nervous system. So we can do that through things like just taking some breaths, and we can do that through things like EFT tapping or you know, breath work. We talked. I had Sam Skelly on the podcast recently. In fact, she's got some great special offers with her program. Remind me to tell you about that at the end of this episode and I'll put it in the show notes for you. Just note to self. So anything that is physiological that creates that sense of calm in your nervous system. So this is body based work. This we don't get this from thinking ourselves. It can help. It can help if you can kind of reframe some of those fears thoughts and ask yourself questions like you know, what's the worst thing that could happen? Or will this really matter in five years time? Like some of those questions that help to give you a sense of perspective, to help you perhaps realize that maybe you are overthinking this or you know, making it bigger than what it needs to be. That can be helpful, for sure, but sometimes that can actually just keep you more stuck in the story like oh

16:21 my God, like no, I really will make a mistake. And in that case then it's better to just get out of your head and actually just breathe into your body and feel into your body, feel where you feel, Feel where you feel, Notice where you feel that anxiety or that fear. Breathe into it, make space for it. This is mindfulness and this is self compassion, and this is what is somatic body based work. Basically, like, this is where do I feel this in my body? Can I breathe into it? Can I allow it to be there? Can I meet it with kindness? Can I meet it with acceptance? Can I recognize that this feeling it's just trying to keep me safe, It's doing what it is meant to do, which is to stop me from being judged or rejected or for hurt or in any sort of danger. And so if I can meet that feeling with the feeling of acknowledgment, acceptance, validation, just kind of allow it to be there. Oftentimes, when we meet that feeling viscerally, like in our body, breathe into it so often, then it will oftentimes kind of just move on by itself and leave you be. It's not that it won't come up again, but usually what brings it up again is this whole getting up into the story in your head again. The feeling in your body will pass when you meet it with acceptance and acknowledgment, just allow it to be there. It's the paradox, really, it's this paradox where the more that you kind of accept what is,

17:53 then the more it doesn't need to keep on shouting for your attention, which is what it's doing. Because we don't like that feeling. Because we don't like that feeling of fear and anxiety and uncertainty. What we do is we do all of this strategizing to avoid that feeling. And we think that thinking ourselves into the right decision is the way that we avoid the feeling of uncertainty. If I can just think some more, rationalize some more, strategize some more, do another spreadsheet, you ask somebody else's opinion, or we do a lot of that. We do a lot of pulling other people for their opinions. All of this reassurance seeking that we do, we think that if we do more of that, then that is what's going to make that feeling of uncertainty go away. But even if it does for a really short time, you know from experience that it doesn't last for very long. You know, usually it's only a matter of time before up comes again.

18:46 So instead of looking to all of those strategies to avoid that feeling of discomfort and uncertainty, what about we just go directly to that feeling and just kind of have some be present with it and validate it for what it's trying to do, but also kind of offer yourself. You're actually offering yourself reassurance and acceptance that it's okay. You know that you're going to be fine, you're going to be safe, but you're offering it. Kind of sounds weird, but you know, kind of at the nervous system level, you're kind of calming regulating your nervous system going direct to the source of that feeling of fear instead of like trying to think your way out of it. We do a lot of trying to think our way out of feelings or think our way into things, whereas you know, oftentimes if we feel into it, then that's where the answers are. Interestingly, you know, our bodies often do hold the answers to big questions in life. We kind of know somewhere deep within us what the truth is. But we are cerebral creatures, we're intellectual creatures. We like to think our way into decisions because it's the way we've been raised, I guess, And so starting to practice, howld you to start practicing feeling into decisions? Again, just use little examples. Now, some people will say I don't feel I've got a client at the moment who says I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything about body, and that is not uncommon. We're often so up in our heads and so conditioned and practiced at being up in

20:19 our heads that we're not great at feeling anything in our body. Sometimes it's to avoid vulnerability. We've kind of cut ourselves off from our emotional world a little bit. So we've got to practice that. It's a skill to practice. So maybe even right now, if you bring to mind something that is a definite yes for you, something that is a full, wholehearted yes, like something that you would absolutely move towards in life, or just you know, in your day to day, and just notice how that feels in your body, Like, just notice what does a yes feel like for you? It's often like a sense of anticipation, excitement, It's sort of almost involuntary moving forward, you know, leaning towards.

21:01 We feel that in a different way than if I asked you to bring to mind something that you know, bring to mind something that is a no for you, that you know is a clear no, something that you don't want in your life, that you would not be interested in. Feel how that feels in your body. Just start getting comfortable kind of practicing knowing what a yes feels like and knowing what a no feels like. This might sound really weird if you've never done anything like this before, but it's really useful, can really help you. And I want to acknowledge too as I say this, so that if it kind of feels weird, or if it feels un natural off or kind of like an unfamiliar thing, then that is very often because we have also been conditioned to cut ourselves off from what we feel.

21:54 Let me give you an example, like if you have had a history of chronic dieting, for example, then you've trained yourself to cut off feelings of hunger. If you have been conditioned that productivity is key, you know, you've always got to be busy, always got to be doing something. Then you've cut off your ability to respond or your willingness to respond to feeling tired. If you haven't given yourself rest when your body needs it, if you haven't given yourself food when your body is wanting it. If you've made decisions or done things because it's what's been expected of you, even though it's not really what you wanted to do, which is you know, really common. You know many of us have done that. You know we don't do what we really want to do. We do what we think is expected of us or what other people want from us. Then you've got a whole long history of experience of cutting yourself off from what feels good for you or what feels true for you. So part of your process to getting yourself to a point of being able to trust your own decisions and trust that you'll be okay whatever you decide is actually learning to get back in touch with those internal cues of what is true for you, what feels like a yes, what feels like a no. Start practicing that what are you going to have for lunch today, think of a couple of different options, and then just feel, slow down, don't think, feel what you're drawn to, you know, and then go with that and start practicing that, Start practicing

23:27 feeling what feels good for me, and then going with that and start to build this sense of trust in yourself and in your inner knowing back yourself. And if you, for whatever reason, you can't do the thing that feels really good for you, then at least just acknowledge that. Acknowledge that that's a choice that you're making for whatever reason, as opposed to coming up with a story or a justification about why that's not the right thing. Does that make sense? You know, like acknowledge that what is true for you, but also acknowledge that in this moment you're making a different decision because of X y Z. Because what that does is it puts you, keeps you in the driver's seat, It keeps you feeling empowered as opposed to feeling disempowered. Like this is true for me, but for blah blah blah, these reasons I can't do that, I'm not allowed to do that. I would you know this whole like I can't kind of keeps you in victim mode. I just feel like it's a lot more helpful to remind yourself that everything is a choice, and there could be a good reason why you're making a particular choice. But just acknowledge that it is a choice, not that it's that you can't do something obviously disclaimer, you know, unless you're physically unsafe, etc. But if it's something just like, well, I feel like I really want to quit this job, but I can't because I've got bills to pay, then Okay, I acknowledge that the truth for me is that this does not make me happy.

24:49 The choice I am making in this moment is to stay here despite the fact that it is not making me happy, because something else is more important, and that is is making sure that there's a roof over my head right now. But that's my choice. It's just more empowering than being in that kind of God, I can't have got no choices in this situation. You do have choices, and you're making the choice that is right for you, even if it's not the choice that you would necessarily want. Okay, I'm going to leave that at that, And then I think, finally, I don't want this to run too far over time. But I think also what we're trying to get to as well with this work is getting to the point of knowing that whatever you do or decide, you will be fine, That there can't be a wrong decision, that you will be okay regardless. And that is that feeling of trust and okayness that you can generate intrinsically. That means you can stop all of this spiraling. You know, can stop all of this second guessing and strategizing and spreadsheeting trying to come to a decision knowing that you'll be okay regardless. Therefore, you it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what decision that you make, because you have the resources, you have the capabilities, you have the self worth, whatever it is that you need, you have it all within you.

26:17 And whatever situation you find yourself in, you are resourceful and capable and you will find a way. You will find a way to make it work. If it's not the right thing, you'll do you'll do something different. But it's learning that it's not about that, it's not about needing to make the right decision. It's about knowing that whatever decision you make you will be okay because you are resourced enough to be able to work with wherever you find yourself that there will always be a way forward. I hope that that makes sense. It's basically, confidence is not knowing that you're always going to get it right. Confidence is knowing that you're going to be okay whether you get it right or not. That is true confidence, that core sense of self, worth, of self, of value, and trust in yourself that you are okay regardless. It doesn't matter what happens in your outside world. It doesn't matter what decision you make. It doesn't matter what other people's opinions of you are. It doesn't matter how many times you change your mind or backtrack or redo something or whatever it is, how many times you move across the country. That you're going to be okay regardless, So you don't it doesn't actually matter. It doesn't actually matter what decision you make. You don't need it to be perfect.

27:28 You don't have to have all the answers. You just take a step and know that you will be fine. But I hope that using some of those strategies that I just shared with you will help you to get to that point where you know from your experience, not just from me telling you, but you will know from your own experience that you have all of the resources within you, that you have everything that you need, and that you have the truth your body knows and you have the wisdom. I know that sounds very like esoteric, but you you have all of that wisdom within you, and it's just about you know, retracing, you know, getting back to that core part of you that has all of the answers within. I hope that is helpful. As I said, I am available for one on one coaching.

28:13 I'm in the process at the moment of transitioning my website to a new site and there will be spased on the new site to book coaching calls or book calls with me to discuss coaching. So if that's something you're interested in in the meantime, just to email mecassat castone dot com. Now Samantha Sclly Pause Breathwork. She's the seoon founder of Pause Breathwork, which is an app. It's got amazing got over one hundred and fifty guided breathwork practices meditations on it. It's really great resource and she also runs a breathwork facilitator training. So she has a program what she calls the twenty one Day Embodiment Journey, which is a deeper dive into breath work, and she's offering sixty percent off if you use my link, which I will put in the show notes full disclosure. They're also offering me a referral commission because I had Sam on the podcast. But that program for you is normally four hundred ninety seven dollars, but you can access it for one hundred and ninety seven dollars. That's going to be US dollars. So look, I've just put that out there.

29:19 She hadn't offered that at the time that I had her on the show, otherwise we would have mentioned it then, but they have followed me up with an email and asked that I share that offer with you. That's for anybody who was really interested in diving into that breath work a little more. But first and foremost, go back and listen to my conversation with Sam. She was a heap of fun and she is doing some really great work in that area of breathwork, which is a really growing area. And you know, like I said, that can be something that can be really helpful to help you to calm down to stress and anxiety that's being activated in you, and to help you to come back into that embodied decision making, which is really feeling what feels true and right for you and developing that core sense of safety and self trust, knowing that whatever you do you will be fine. I hope that is helpful. I can't wait to share with you my conversation with Johann Hari next week, so please do tune into that. If this is helpful, share it with a friend. I've taken a little break, and that's always a disaster. It means that listeners really drop off, and so I really have work to do to get you all back. So thank you so much for being here, and please do share with anybody who you think that might benefit from listening to this episode. I appreciate you so much and I can't wait to come back next week with another episode of Prappy to Happiness.