Jan. 30, 2023

How to stop self-compassion turning into self-sabotage

Have you noticed that you sometimes use self-kindness as a way of letting yourself get away with bad habits? It's tough to strike a balance between being kind and self-compassionate while also keep yourself accountable and achieving your goals. In this episode, I respond to a listener who is dealing with this exact issue, and offer ways for you to find this healthy balance.

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Transcript

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A listener production. Hello, and welcome to another solo episode

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of Crappy to Happy, Happy to be with you today

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and doing something a little bit different today. I am

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answering a listener question and I love that this has

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become interactive. Somebody has emailed me with a personal challenge,

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and I'm going to do my very best to give

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a full response to this because I understand that this

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is an issue that comes up a lot for people,

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and could I just say if you have a question,

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by all means, please email me hello at castdon dot

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com or talk to me at castd dot com. Both

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of those email addresses will find me, so please do

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submit your questions. Disclaimer, I can't give individual advice, but

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I certainly can give broad general information that is hopefully

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helpful to all of you. So I'm going to call

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this Listenerill. That is not her real name. And Jill

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has written to me and said, I'm wondering about this

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whole idea of being kind to myself. Listeners know that

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this is something I bang on about all the time.

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I'm going to paraphrase here, but essentially what Jill has

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said is I keep hearing about this over and over

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the years. You mention it a lot. However, I find

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that when I practice this, it becomes an excuse for everything.

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I e. I'm tired, so it's okay to get takeout.

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I've had a huge week at work. I don't really

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need to worry about working out today doing my exercise.

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I haven't had chocolate in a month, therefore, I deserve

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to eat whatever I like this week. So this seems

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to keep leading to self sabotage for me, and then

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my motivation for losing weight or making sure I exercise,

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or being social or whatever just seems to stem from

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a negative place. So the self kindness option is basically

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leading to all of these making excuses to not do

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the things that she says she to do, and therefore

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she finds the only way that she can really follow

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through and do the things she says she wants to

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do is for it to come from a place of

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self criticism and being really hard on herself. She says,

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it seems so much powerful because I seem to do more,

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but I can recognize that it's unhealthy. I feel miserable

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all the time and lonely, and nothing I have done

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has helped me to break this cycle. Jill, you are

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not alone. This is so common. So it would be

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very easy for me to tell you, as I have

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told you many many times before, that self compassion is

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positively associated with goal progress. Self criticism is negatively associated

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with goal progress. I think that in theory you get this,

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and for some of you that is obviously not enough.

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That's not translating into being able to use self compassion

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or self kindness to support you to achieve your goals.

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I would like to address this in a couple of

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different kind of segments. One is the kinds of goals

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that you're setting for yourself, the expectations you're setting for

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yourself and why. And the other is your definition of

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self kindness or self compassion and how you might be

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able to reframe it so that it is more helpful

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to you. And all of this obviously wrapped up in

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the context of an individual who is high on self criticism,

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because that seems to be what is going on here.

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So let's start with if you have an intention to

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do something, for example, be kind to yourself, offer yourself

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some self compassion, be less self critical. If you have

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an intention to do something, whether or not you go

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ahead and proceed to do that thing is impacted by

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the strength and the direction of your intention. So there

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is a theory in psychology called the theory of planned behavior.

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It's not the be all and end all. It is

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just one theory, and it says that the strength and

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the direction of your intentions is largely influenced by a

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whole lot of beliefs that you have about that particular behavior,

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and those beliefs can be broken up into three areas.

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One is your beliefs about the behavior itself. So in

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the case of self compassion, for example, let's just use

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that as an example. Whether you believe that that will

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be a good thing or not, and how you think

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you will feel if you do that behavior. Obviously, this

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theory applies to any behavior, so later on you can

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think about this in terms of a whole lot of

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other intentions or goals you might have. But let's just

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talk about self compassion for now. So how you think

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you will feel if you offer your self self compassion

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and whether you just generally feel that self compassion or

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self kindness is a positive thing or a negative thing, right,

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So that's your thoughts and feelings about the behavior itself.

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The second layer is what we call normative beliefs. So

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what's the norm amongst the people that you associate with,

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What are your beliefs about what do you sort of

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expect or perceive that other people would think about you

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doing this behavior? What would other people think, your friends, parents,

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if you were to be kinder to yourself, if you

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were to act with more self compassion, And what do

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you perceive other people are doing around you? Do you

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perceive that other people behave this way or treat themselves

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with kindness and consideration and compassion. Do you see other

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people behaving in this way? So that's going to impact

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your intention as well. And the third one is called

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control beliefs. That is, whether you believe you actually have

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the capacity to do this, whether you feel confident you

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could follow through and you could engage in this self compassionate,

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self kind behavior should you wish to. So they're the

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three level of levels of belief. There are other things, obviously,

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as I said, that can come into it. There's another

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kind of belief about your thoughts about the type of

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person who does this thing, like the type of person

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who is a self compassionate person, Like whether you on

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the whole have a negative or positive view of that

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kind of person. There are social cultural beliefs as well,

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like what you feel is the norm in your social

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cultural environment, and also whether you feel you are deserving

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of self compassion. So that's an interesting one too, isn't it,

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Because that is going to go back to family of origin,

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staff and messages you've grown up with. So there's a

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lot to unpack and explore there. And remember, you can

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think about this in the context of any goal that

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you might be pursuing. But let's just talk about self

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compassion for now. We'll talk about your other goals in

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a little minute, So for now, what we know for

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sure from the research is that people who are very

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self critical, people who score highly in self criticism, really

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struggle with self compassion, and that is at least partly

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because of their negative beliefs about self compassion. People who

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are high in self criticism are really kind of suspicious

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about this whole concept of self compassion and self kindness.

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They tend to believe that it will lead them to

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lower their personal standards, that it will decrease their motivation

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to grow as a person. I'm actually taking this from

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a research article, and thus fail to achieve their personal goals.

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People tend to associate self compassion with negative traits such

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as weakness, selfishness, irresponsibility, and self indulgence. Checking with yourself

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whether this is all ringing true for you? And again,

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some people believe that being self compassionate goes against family

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or cultural expectations, or that they don't deserve self compassion.

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So the interesting thing about this is that we also

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know for sure that self compassion is positively associated with

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achieving goals and self criticism is associated with lack of

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goal progress. So there is a mismatch going on here.

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I guess the important thing to say straight up about

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that is that for somebody like Jill, who is listening

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to this, she is nodding her head, I would imagine saying, well,

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this is all true. This has been my experience. When

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I try to be kind to myself, I do do

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things that take me away from achieving my goals. She's saying, well,

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I've got all of this evidence that that is actually true.

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And that's why I think we really need to unpack

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the definition of self compassion, the true definition of self compassion,

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and we also really need to look at the personality

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factors this idea of and the kinds of goals you're

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setting and why you're setting them, and then we can

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look at the role of self compassion versus self criticism.

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So when we talk about pursuing personal goals, whether you

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want to eat better, lose weight, save money, be more social,

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less social, pursuing goals involves two very important factors. One

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is personality, that is the type of person you are.

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The other is your motivation. So the who and the why.

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A big part of that is whether you are a

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person who is self critical, whether you have a lot

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of perfectionistic concerns, whether you're extroverted introverted. There's a whole

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lot of personality factors that will influence that. And the

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other is the why. What is your motivation for pursuing

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your goal and whether it is autonomous that is freely

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chosen by you, or whether it is what we call

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controlled motivation. And controlled motivation refers to whether your goal

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is driven by either an external perceived or real external

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pressure or influence or an internal pressure. And that internal

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pressure could be a feeling of guilt or what we

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call contingent self esteem, that is, whether you feel good

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about yourself only as a result of doing this behavior,

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whether your self worth your sense of self worth is

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contingent on your doing this behavior if you are a

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highly self critical person. The research also shows that oftentimes

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if you're a person with very perfectionistic concerns, then often

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your goals are less of an autonomous motivation and more

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of a controlled motivation. In other words, they are often

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driven by concerns about what other people will think, or

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some internal pressure of feeling guilty if you don't do it,

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or your self esteem your self worth being contingent on

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you achieving it. People who are high in self criticism

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hold themselves to impossible standards, make no room for mistakes.

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They often abandon their goals in the face of a setback.

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As soon as they have a slip up or a setback,

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they have that all or nothing thinking, which leads them

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to abandoning their goals completely. Often their goals are not

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even intrinsically motivated at all. They're based on other people's

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expectations or the world's expectations, society's expectations, or some sort

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of fear of judgment or guilt, or your self worth

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being dependent on achieving this particular goal, and then in

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the face of setback, they are unlikely to be kind

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to themselves. They really struggle for themselves self compassion. So

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where does this leave us? Then? I think what it

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leads to is that Number One, we have to look

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at the kinds of goals you're setting and why, And

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then we have to reframe this whole idea of self

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compassion and self kindness because we know for a fact

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that it is only coming from a place of self

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kindness and coming from a place of goals. Being driven

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by your intrinsic motivation, autonomous goals, freely chosen, and your

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self worth not being contingent on the achievement of those goals,

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is going to lead you to eventually achieve the things

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that you want to in life. So let's just start

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with goals. And let's say your goal is to eat

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healthier and to be physically fitter and stronger and more

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agile and mobile. Let's just frame it in those positive terms.

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Having said that, that's a perfect example. Is your goal,

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the way you phrase your goal and what you want

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to achieve for yourself, is it coming from a negative

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critical place? Are you setting goals because you fundamentally believe

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that there is something wrong with you that needs to

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be fixed or changed before you can actually accept yourself.

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Do you fundamentally not approve of yourself as you are

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and you are driven by this feeling of inadequacy, that

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you're broken, that you're flawed, that you're Do you have

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a whole lot of negative self talk going on? Are

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you very judgmental of yourself? And is that what is

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the springboard for setting these goals and wanting to make

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these changes? If you are high in self criticism, I

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dare say that is the case. I did an episode

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a little while ago before Christmas about talking about approach

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versus avoidance motivation. If you missed it, please go back

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and have a listen to it. Whether you are motivated

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fundamentally by moving towards something that you consider to be desirable, pleasurable, beneficial, meaningful, inspiring, expansive,

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or are you fundamentally driven by wanting to avoid something

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you considered to be negative judgment, fear, a negative outcome,

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a something bad happening being criticized. It's a whole different mindset.

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It got a whole different energy about it. And as

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I said in that previous episode, approach motivated goals, you're

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likely to be more successful. You're likely to have a

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more positive mood, more upbeat, more quality of life, happier,

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just a fuller, richer, more expansive experience of life. To

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be honest, were versus an avoidance of motivated goals, all

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these goals being driven by fear of negative, fear of

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other people's judgments, internal feelings of guilt, pressure. They make

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you feel small. They do not encourage growth and taking risks.

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They're all about avoiding something negative. They are often associated

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with lower mood, more stress, anxiety, and lower likelihood that

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you're going to achieve what you want to achieve. Anyway,

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when you think about what you want to achieve, first

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and foremost, is it coming from a place of needing

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to fix or change something about your self, feeling that

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you are fundamentally flawed, Or is it coming from a

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place of you valuing yourself enough to want the very

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best for you, to want to broad and enhance your

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experience of life, to want to be the best version

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of yourself that you can be, to be inspired towards

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living a life of meaning and purpose and contributing full,

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rich experiences, being able to go out and do things

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and even if we are talking about physical fitness and

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health and well being. Is it because you want to

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have energy to get out and explore and really live

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life to the full. Or is it coming from this

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really small minded, fear driven, self critical, self judgmental place

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of thinking that there is something that needs to be

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fixed or change. Just really think about that. Because I've

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given you opposite extremes, maybe you're somewhere in the middle.

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Can we, first and foremost start with we need to

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be setting goals that are freely chosen, that are based

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on your intrinsic values, that are going to enhance your

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quality of life. That is number one. The second thing

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is that as you move towards those goals, if you

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have a slip up or a setback, then how do

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you respond? And this is where we get to this

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self compassion piece, this self kindness piece, and the way

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I want to talk about this now, I want to

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just shift gears a little bit and think about the

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best way that I can describe this or explain this

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is to think about parenting. And now, even if you're

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not a parent, that's okay. Maybe you've got a pet

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or maybe you can just consider what it would be

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like to be a parent or if you were a parent,

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and that shouldn't be hard because usually I find that

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people who aren't parents already have a lot of beliefs

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about parenting, a lot of ideas about parenting based on

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what they've witnessed in terms of other people's parenting. So,

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if you are a parent and you really want what

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is best for your child, and you really want them

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to be healthy and happy and strong, and you have

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good friendships, it's all we want as parents. When you

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think about self kindness when it comes to your child,

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doesn't mean that at the end of the day, if

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they had a tough maths class, that you let them

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have all the ice cream for dinner. Is that what

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you consider to be self kindness. Sometimes as a parent,

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we do things and we encourage our children to do

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things that they don't want to do because it is

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really and we know that it is in their best interests.

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They don't like it, they don't want to do it,

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but we know that it's what is best for them,

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and so as the compassionate, loving, supportive parent, sometimes the

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choice that we have to make for them and we

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have to help them make, is to do the thing

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that doesn't feel comfortable in the moment. It's not the

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easy option. It's not the easy way out. Being a kind, compassionate, supportive,

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loving parent to your child doesn't mean that if they

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don't feel like going outside, that you let them sit

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on the screen for twelve hours a day. We don't

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do that. That's not in their best interest. It might

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be what they want, it might be what feels good

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in the moment, but we know it's not what is

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best for them. Therefore we encourage them to do something different.

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We don't shame them, we don't belittle them. We just

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really actively encourage them to do the thing that is

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going to be in the long term in their best interest.

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I take my dog to the vet. She hates the vet,

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you know, she gets poked and prodded, and she really

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wishes that I wouldn't take it to the vet, But

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I take it to the vet because that's what's in

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her best interest. What we have to do to be

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kind and compassionate, and when we really want the best

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for somebody is the thing that doesn't feel good in

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the moment. Self kindness is not just letting the kid

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eat the ice cream for dinner every night. We make

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them eat the vegetables. We make them show up for

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school even if they don't want to go to school,

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because that's what they got to do. And if we

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could just take that idea and apply that to ourselves

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and see self kindness and self compassion as fundamentally valuing

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ourselves and our well being so much that we sometimes

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make ourselves do the thing that we don't want to

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do because we know it's in our best interests. And

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relating that back to goals, if your goal fundamentally is

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comes from a place of wanting what is best for yourself,

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valuing yourself, having your own best interests at heart, being

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able to ask yourself in the moment, what do I

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really need right now? What is really in my best

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interest right now? And then having the willingness to follow

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through and do that thing now. Having said that, maybe

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there are sometimes when your kids had a bad day

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and you do let them have the pizza that night,

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that's okay. Maybe there are some days when everybody's a

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bit tight and you do let them have a little

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bit more screen time. That's okay. So how is that

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not okay for you as well? How is it not

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okay for you to sometimes just kick back on the

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sofa and order take out and watch Netflix because you

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have had a big week, like, that's okay too. This

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is where the self critical person, when you're coming from

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that place of judgment and needing to fix and having

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these perfectionistic expectations of yourself having no room for mistakes

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or errors or setbacks, leads to this then this negative

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self critical voice. Every time you do take a night

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off or take a day off and do something that

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just feels good in the moment. You can't be doing

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the stuff that feels good in the moment all the time,

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but occasionally if you do, that is not a reason

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to go down the path of judgment and criticism. If

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you let your kid have pizza on Friday night because

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they've had a big week and you don't feel like

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cooking and it's okay, then do you get up the

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next morning and say to your kid, well, obviously, no

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breakfast or lunch for you today because you are overdid

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it last night, mister, too much chocolate for you yesterday,

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so there'll be, you know, Maggie, one meal for you today. No?

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Is that what you do to yourself? Though? Do you

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make yourself pay for days to come after you've had

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an easy night or skipped your workout, after your kid's

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been on a screen all day. The next day, do

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you spend the whole day shaming them about what a

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failure of a person, how lazy and pathetic they are

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because of the lack of productivity the day before, and

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now they have to double down today and get some

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stuff done. Of course, not is that how you talk

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to yourself, though, I hope that being able to reframe

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self compassion in that way helps you to offer yourself

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kindness in those moments. The point that I'm really trying

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to make there is that when you have a slip

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up or a setback on the way to achieving your goals,

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that's really normal, and that's really that's part of the

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human experience. Like there is no there is not a

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person on the planet who sets a goal, sets an

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action plan, and from today makes a decision this is

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what I'm doing, and then literally goes ahead achieves the

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goal without ever going off track. It doesn't happen, like

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it literally doesn't happen, and yet somehow that's the expectation

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we have of ourselves. So Number one thing is, if

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you really do stuff up, like if you really do

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something that you let yourself down on you and you

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let yourself you know, you feel like you have let

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yourself down in a big way. Self compassion is acknowledging that,

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recognizing that, understanding that is human, and not beating yourself

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up excessively for that, just realizing that this is just

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a moment, a temporary moment, it was a glitch. You

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don't deserve to be punished, You don't deserve to have

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to pay for your mistakes, that in this moment, you

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are a human being worthy of your own patience, tolerance, friendliness, forgiveness,

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kindness as much as any other person. Self kindness is

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not an excuse to let yourself off the hook for

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doing really bad stuff. So the quicker you can get

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on with it, pick up and just continue the next

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day without all the shame, without all the self judgment,

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without all the self criticism, the more likely you are

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to be able to get back on track and to

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continue on the path that you're on, and hopefully the

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path that you are on, having listened to this now,

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is a path that is focused on doing what is

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in your best interests, taking into consideration what truly values

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your wellbeing physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, What do you need?

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