Feb. 6, 2019

Keeping the spark alive with Dr Nikki Goldstein

Keeping the spark alive with Dr Nikki Goldstein
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Keeping the spark alive with Dr Nikki Goldstein
Keeping the spark alive with Dr Nikki Goldstein
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Season 3 Relationships

How do you keep the romance alive in a long-term relationship? Sexologist and relationship expert Dr Nikki Goldstein talks with Cass Dunn about sexual compatibility, how resentments can erode intimacy and gives some tips for re-igniting the romance.Connect with Cass:www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com 
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Join the free 7-day Happiness Challenge:www.cassdunn.com/happiness

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www.instagram.com/cassdunn_xo

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Transcript
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A listener production. Hey guys, you're listening to Crappy to Happy.

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I'm cass Dan. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist, mindfulness

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meditation teacher, and author of the Crappy to Happy books.

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In this series, we look.

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At all the factors that might be making you feel

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crappy and the tools and the techniques that will help

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you overcome them. In each episode, I introduce you to interesting, inspiring,

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intelligent people who are experts in their field, and my

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hope is that they will help you go from crappy

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to happy. In today's episode, I'm talking to doctor Nicki Goldstein,

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who is a sexologist, relationship expert, and author. Nicki and

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I talked about the things that can get in the

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way of intimacy in your relationship and how you can

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get that spark back. Nicki is a no holds barred

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kind of girl, and this conversation definitely went places that

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I was not expecting. So just a heads up that

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some of this content is not suitable for little ears,

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so you might want to pop some headphones in if

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you've got young ones around. Here's my chat with doctor Nicki.

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Doctor Nicky, let's talk about sex.

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I feel like there should be that little song let's.

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Talk about sex baby, So can we just start First

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of all, you are a sexologist. I understand you've got

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a counseling your psychology background as well. Can you just

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please tell our listeners what does a sexologist do?

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So this sexologist, sexology is a scientific study of sex,

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so within that you could be a sex therapist, a

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sex researcher. I kind of take the role as a

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sex educator, and I use mainstream media to introduce topics,

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to educate people and to empower people. So it is

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a little bit different because I don't have well at

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the moment, I don't have clients. I may do one day,

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but my passions are really introducing topics and subjects that

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I think people need to know.

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Yeah, fantastic.

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And so from your experience and from talking to a

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lot of people and being out amongst it, and even

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from having seen clients before, what are the kinds of

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issues that people bring you? What are the issues people

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have with their sex life?

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Everything?

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But I think the most common things are that everybody

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wants to improve on their sex life. No one ever

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comes to me and says, hey, Nikki, I'm really happy

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with the way things are, and I don't need to

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talk to you. They come to me with all these questions.

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You know, my partner doesn't want to sex, doesn't want sex,

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or my sex strive is dwindling.

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What do I do?

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We've got kids, we never have time. I find things boring,

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I don't feel sexy. But within that, there's also this

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element of.

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Am I normal?

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Because we all have these innate desires, but we're born

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into a society that has very strong ideas around sexuality,

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and a lot of that has to do with shame.

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We control people with shame.

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That's not appropriate, that's not right, and that's not inadverted

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commas normal. So then you get these people that go

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on through life and they have these innate desires. They

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have this upbringing that tells them what they should and should.

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Not be doing.

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This internal conflict, especially when we look at say a

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monogamous marriage, because somebody may have entered into that thinking, well,

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this is what you do. You know, this is how

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you raise a family, and this is how you have

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a relationship, and all of a sudden, they have these

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desires and the questions that they're asking me are different

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in terms of language, but underneath what they're actually always

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asking me, is am I normal?

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This is what I desire? Or this is what I'm feeling.

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Oh, I'm looking at this porn and I'm thinking I

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want to explore this further. But I'm really scared about

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it because what they're worried about is maybe their partner

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rejecting them or the society around them rejecting them.

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And I imagine that it's a big issue is when

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one person has got particular interests or desires sexually and

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the person that they're committed to in a relationship doesn't

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has different interests or desires well.

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Has sexual compatibility, And it's the biggest question of you know,

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what happens if you're not sexually compatible? And I think

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it's actually unrealistic to think that you can get two

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people that for the rest of their lives will be sexually.

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We change.

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I'm glad that you said that, it's one of my questions.

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I'm jumping the gun, But how big an issue is

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that if you're in a long term relationship with somebody

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and you're not sexually compatible for whatever reason. Maybe it's

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just that somebody's just got a really low sex drive

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and somebody's got a much high one.

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That's very common, right.

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Yes, very But I think sexual compatibility in a way

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is not necessarily an issue. Maybe it's just something that

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we need to accept that we are different and we

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need to find that commonality and a way to compromise.

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Because I take the scenario of say two people where

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one wants a lot of sex and the other one

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doesn't really want a lot of sex. Now, if we

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look at stereotypically a woman, that sex drive might be dwindling,

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and there's a lot of reasons why. Doesn't mean that

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she's not a sexual being. It just means that there

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are different pressures that women get under as they go

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through the stages of life and have children and the

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stresses associated. And say we look at a man that

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wants more sex, We're not going to be saying to

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the woman, are just getting there, you know, like, don't

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do something that you don't want do. We'll be saying

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to the guy, well, can you be more considerate of her?

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But that's not a compromise because one person is wanting

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maybe a lot more sex, the other person isn't wanting

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as much. What we need to be able to be

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able to find is that common ground, Why does that

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person want a lot of sex? Often we find for

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men because especially men in Australia, they don't communicate as much,

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and the way that they receive their affection intimacy is

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through physical acts. It's not just about getting off, it's

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about connecting with their partner. It's about connecting as a couple.

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So they really need sex to be able to feel

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at one with their partner, especially if there's children involved

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and a woman's focus goes towards the kids. They still

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need to have those moments where it's just the two

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of them.

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Whereas a female partner might.

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Be seeing there going, oh, he just wants to get off,

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and I'm so sick of him poking me next to

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me in the bed?

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What about me? What about what I want?

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What about the fact that I've been running around all

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day and I'm stressed and anxious and I just can't unwind.

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If we started to have a look at that scenario,

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the keyword is connection now doesn't have to be penetrative sex. No,

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It could be some form of affectionate time. It could

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be like what I like to call sexy time. It

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could be touching, affection kissing, things like that. To be

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able to say, well, honey, I don't know if I

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can really have the energy to be able to go

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through a full session of sex, but I really think

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it's important that we spend a little bit of time

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caressing and kissing and touching. Probably what will happen is

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you'll get turned on and have sex anyway, but being

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able to actually have a look at what is important

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in a relationship. Is it just a number that we

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have to be having per week, or is it the

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intent of why we should be having sex?

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Yeah? Good point.

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I want to go back to what you started with,

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which is that typically women have less interest in sex

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than men for a lot of good reasons. Because I

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know this comes up with the people that I talk

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to that they just feel either all touched out, especially

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with little kids or breastfeeding, or you know, gets somebody's

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always demanding something of them. So can we just talk

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about that a bit more like what some of those

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you said. You know, there's a lot of good reasons

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why women don't necessarily always want to have sex. Can

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we just talk about what they are so that people

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can listen and can.

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Go Yeah, well, I actually call this the cycle of

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no sex Now It doesn't exist in a textbook. It's

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just something that I went I'm going to create the

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cycle of no sex, and it's an easy way to

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explain it. So I find the biggest killer for women

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is resentment. So something happens in the relationship. We might

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be angry that our partner hasn't helped us out enough,

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or we're not feeling heard, we don't feel needed and wanted.

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We're holding on to something. So then the next part

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of the cycle is that something little that they do,

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you know, we're holding on to this issue. Something else,

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little that they do just becomes massive. And it normally

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starts with this conversation of you're making a big deal

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out of nothing, and you look at that person and

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you think, I'm actually not making a big deal out

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of nothing. You don't listen to me anymore, you don't

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consider me, So we start this cycle of then increased resentment. Now,

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when you're in that space, you're then more likely to

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fire off comments at the other person.

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So again those little things.

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As a woman, you respond with these daggers and it's

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got nothing to do with the issue that we're talking

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about and everything that you're holding onto underneath. Then when

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it comes to bedroom time, it's a matter of you know,

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there's a poke next to you or a little bit

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of a nudge, and you're thinking, why on earth would

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I want to spend any of my time right now

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touching you when you can't consider me? And with those

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daggers comes often aggression in return. If we're pushing someone

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and fighting them, and often I find we're pushing them

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for the attention. It's sometimes with that conflict, we're pushing

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them to go, okay, I want you to fire back

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because I want to feel like you're focusing on me

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and I want to feel like you're going to fight

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for me and make me feel needed. But what we

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actually get sometimes is more aggression, and they're getting angry

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at our saying, well, what's wrong with you? Why have

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you turned into this person? This isn't the woman that

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I married. What happens to that care free loving? And

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you're thinking, hang on a second.

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Are very familiar and it's but it's.

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Very common, and we get this cycle of what I

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call no sex, and then when we look at the

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intent of sex and why we need it, we get

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this further disconnection because we're not focusing on each other.

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We're not binding as a couple. We're more pulling away.

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And I think it's just so much more common than

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we think. And the first step is actually becoming aware

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that that happens and actually sitting with it and going Okay,

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I recognize that, I recognize.

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That that's a cycle going on in my life.

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How do I then break the cycle so that that

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connection that I need to survive through every day and

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have a relationship that keeps thriving is actually something that

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I can work on rather than pulling further away from

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my partner.

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I think the other thing that happens too. I mean,

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one thing that you touched on which I'd totally agree

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with is that women tend to need to feel emotionally

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connected before they want to have sex, whereas men feel

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emotionally connected by having sex.

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When they're inn relationship.

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That's what I mean in a relationship.

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It's a very interesting thing with female sexuality because we're

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so emotionally driven when we're with a partner. You know,

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we need certain things to feel turned on. We need

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you know, that loving, We need to feel needed, we

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need to feel wanted, we want to feel sexy. And

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then when you get a woman who's not in a

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relationship and exploring her sexuality in a way, I feel

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like she's more sexual than a man. You know, we

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have women that are reaching out to male escorts, that

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are entering into all sorts of fetishes and different lifestyles.

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So it's quite interesting when you look at both sides

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and you think we can be so emotional, but we're

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also not limited by an ejaculation, whereas men, sexually speaking,

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they can only go for so long.

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And there is that joke about it, but it's something.

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When it comes to women, when it's exploring sexuality, we

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don't really have any limits. Even when you look at

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women experimenting with other women. If a guy experiments with

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another guy, all of a sudden, we go he's gay.

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In our society, as.

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A woman we want to experiment with another woman, it's like, oh,

242
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she's just experimenting.

243
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Yeah.

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True.

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We don't even have the same restraints of labels and

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boxes and categories. So you know, it's interesting when we

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can say yes in a relationship. When we're looking at

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that nuclear family of children, marriage straints of life, women's

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sex strivee does really suffer, I think for very obvious reasons.

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But when we have a look at a woman independently

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in her journey to exploring sexuality, we're actually in a

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better position as men. And I find our sexuality changes

253
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as we.

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Go on with life. Yeah, we're fluid, we're not linear.

255
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We go through different stages and different cycles, whereas a

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man is much more linear in terms of his sexual journey.

257
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So when it comes to sexual compatibility, who's the more

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complex one?

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And if you want to talk about women and that

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exploring their sexuality, for example, if they're not in a relationship,

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they're also burdened largely by all of the you know,

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they're still very so much more shame and it's slutshaming

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and all of that sort of stuff that goes on

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with women if they choose to go out and have

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an active sex life compared to a man. Do you

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find that women are still fighting against that or are

267
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we bit more they are.

268
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One hundred percent, because we still don't have a society

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that has the equivalent to the word slut for a man.

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No, we don't.

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So that speaks.

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Volumes to me, and I'm not really one for reclaiming

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the word slut. I think as long as we're still

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a society that uses it in the negative. I'm not

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comfortable using it in the positive, and I think we

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need to change our language, and it's things like slut, promiscuous, deviant.

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We can't define those terms. How many people do you

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have to have sex with to be called a slut?

279
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How many people do you have to have sex with

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to be called promiscuous. So there are actually terms that

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we just should stop using in society because it's quite

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negative in terms of we're either trying to control somebody

283
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with shame or we're using a label that doesn't actually

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have a definition. So I think for a lot of women,

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there is that fear of if I do that, somebody

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will judge me, because women are still judged and they

287
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have always been judged. But we need to challenge ourselves

288
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within those beliefs, because why should we actually care what

289
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anyone thinks about our own sexuality? Is actually having the

290
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strength to say, hey, you might call me a slut,

291
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you might call me promiscus, you might think that I'm deviant,

292
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but I don't care because I'm doing what I want.

293
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That's consensual, that's safe, that is innately something that I desire,

294
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and I actually feel pity towards those people who do

295
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use that language, because it goes to tell me a

296
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little bit about their own internal conflict.

297
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Yeah, it's a reflection on them, isn't it.

298
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They're probably envious sitting at home going, oh, I wish

299
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someone was.

300
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Calling me a slot.

301
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So Nikki getting back to the issues that come up

302
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for couples, So resentment is one, and I would like

303
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to add to that too that what can happen not

304
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speaking about anybody in particular, is that it gets to

305
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the point where anytime the woman in this case does

306
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show some affection, it's taken as a signal that sex

307
00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:03.120
is on the table, like sex is on zero to

308
00:14:03.120 --> 00:14:04.919
one hundred. Yeah, and if you don't, if you just

309
00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:07.200
wanted to have a cuddle, but then every time you

310
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have a cuddle, it's like, oh.

311
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Let's get it on.

312
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Well, then you start to become actually averse to showing

313
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any affection because I can't even cutt you without you

314
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putting the word hard word on me.

315
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So then that causes this divide.

316
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I think you need to for women, we need to

317
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actually understand men too, you know. I think in a

318
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society there's this light at the moment that is shone

319
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on a women.

320
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We're in the me too movement.

321
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Women have a voice, but we're actually not stopping to

322
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think about how men function.

323
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Now.

324
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Guys are always like little boys, and I don't mean

325
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it's not mean to diminish them, but it's a way

326
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that we can understand it. We start touching them in affection, Boom,

327
00:14:41.399 --> 00:14:45.159
there's that rush of blood flow. They get excited. It's

328
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like a kid on Christmas. I want to unwrap my present,

329
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So I think sometimes and.

330
00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:52.639
The President does not want to be on rad exactly.

331
00:14:52.799 --> 00:14:54.879
The President just wants to be looked at and the

332
00:14:54.919 --> 00:14:58.279
bow played with and stroked a little. So you know,

333
00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:01.320
this is the struggle with the differences between men and women.

334
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My father has a saying, and Helay says, you know,

335
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relationships of opposite never work, and by opposite I mean

336
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opposite genders, because sometimes.

337
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We are so different.

338
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And really, when we can start to empathize with each

339
00:15:14.519 --> 00:15:17.279
other and have a look at how our partner works,

340
00:15:17.399 --> 00:15:19.840
that's where we can kind of make those compromises. And

341
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we might say, okay, if we want to show affection

342
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and we don't want him just to start ripping off

343
00:15:24.679 --> 00:15:27.399
our clothes, thinking that it's all go, let's explain it,

344
00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:30.240
and let's actually say, you know, honey, I actually foree

345
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really turned on. When you take some time touching me

346
00:15:33.080 --> 00:15:36.080
and just going a little bit more carefully, it really

347
00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:38.320
gets me going, and then I feel like I'm ready

348
00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:40.120
for sex. And it might take a few times to

349
00:15:40.200 --> 00:15:43.080
remind them of that, but I assure you, if you're

350
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actually saying to somebody this is how you can have

351
00:15:45.559 --> 00:15:49.440
more sex with me, they will eventually pay attention. But

352
00:15:49.519 --> 00:15:52.799
I think we're too scared to communicate around sex, especially

353
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when it comes to potentially telling somebody off or sending

354
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them a negative message, because we're very careful the fact

355
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that we don't want to make them feel rejected. We

356
00:16:02.200 --> 00:16:05.159
don't want to cause this awkwardness and a relationship. But

357
00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:07.399
sometimes we need to. It's just a matter of how

358
00:16:07.440 --> 00:16:09.320
we do it. If you're going to say to somebody,

359
00:16:09.320 --> 00:16:12.240
even I'm sexually bored, which is a very common thing,

360
00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:14.840
if you were to walk to work the same day,

361
00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:18.279
same way every day, you would absolutely be bored out

362
00:16:18.279 --> 00:16:20.399
of your mind. You'd be going past the same scenery,

363
00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:23.039
as much as it might be pretty. If you're holding

364
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:25.919
the hand of somebody who's really good looking, you're still

365
00:16:25.960 --> 00:16:28.519
going to get bought. So it's not a matter of

366
00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:31.120
not being attracted to each other. But we just get

367
00:16:31.200 --> 00:16:33.480
stuck in this right of everyday life and we do

368
00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:36.080
the same thing over and over again. We're also out

369
00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:38.080
our minds are so busy, so when it comes actually

370
00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:39.960
thinking about what is it that we really want to

371
00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.960
do and explore, it merely feels impossible to work out

372
00:16:43.000 --> 00:16:46.039
what that is. So boredom is something that's really common

373
00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:48.519
and I think it's just a fact of life. But

374
00:16:48.679 --> 00:16:53.039
able to be able to express that to someone and say, hey, han, I'm.

375
00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:55.759
Actually really bored with our sex life, it.

376
00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:57.600
Can feel so awkward because you think, oh my god,

377
00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:00.879
I'm about to just absolutely kill their sexual ego. But

378
00:17:00.919 --> 00:17:03.720
it's a conversation that has to be had in order

379
00:17:03.720 --> 00:17:05.359
to be able to get back to that place of well,

380
00:17:05.559 --> 00:17:07.559
what are things that we can do and what's a

381
00:17:07.559 --> 00:17:09.920
way that we can have sex where you're not feeling

382
00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:13.720
attacked and you're not feeling you're overwhelmed by their touches

383
00:17:13.759 --> 00:17:16.880
and their advances, and you are enjoying things and that

384
00:17:16.920 --> 00:17:19.440
sex is not just a matter of a chore like

385
00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:22.000
a lot of people just think, well, got to do it,

386
00:17:22.039 --> 00:17:23.400
got to tick it off the list, or got to

387
00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:25.720
have sex with my partner so they don't stray, and

388
00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:28.400
it then becomes something that you both want to do

389
00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:31.160
because you're starting to work out what it is that

390
00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:32.039
feels good.

391
00:17:32.599 --> 00:17:34.119
That's really interesting, isn't it.

392
00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:34.279
Like?

393
00:17:34.440 --> 00:17:36.200
I think that there are a lot of people who

394
00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:36.920
just think.

395
00:17:36.759 --> 00:17:40.559
Well, I really I would rather read a good book,

396
00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:42.119
to be honest right now than have sex.

397
00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:45.400
And that's okay sometimes some nights, that's okay. Never feel

398
00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:47.519
guilty for that. Netflix is there for a reason.

399
00:17:47.880 --> 00:17:49.039
But if I din't.

400
00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:51.920
But if I'm not meeting this person's needs, my all female.

401
00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:53.839
If I'm not meeting this person's needs, they will get

402
00:17:53.839 --> 00:17:57.359
their needs met Elsewhere. Do people have affairs for the

403
00:17:57.440 --> 00:17:59.480
sex or for the emotional connection.

404
00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:03.880
I think when it comes to infidelity, it is such

405
00:18:03.880 --> 00:18:08.160
a massive subject and we have it wrong. We see

406
00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:11.759
infidelity with this shame, this guilt, this negativity, instead of

407
00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:14.680
actually stopping and trying to understand it. Because there are

408
00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:17.799
so many different reasons why somebody cheats. And there is

409
00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:20.519
that person out there that's just hypersexual and just wants

410
00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:22.640
to get off and gets off on the thrill of

411
00:18:22.680 --> 00:18:25.960
different people and something about the taboo. You know this

412
00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:27.799
is wrong and this is shameful and they shouldn't be

413
00:18:27.839 --> 00:18:30.079
doing it, so it makes it so exciting. There are

414
00:18:30.079 --> 00:18:32.880
people out there that actually really enjoy having a type

415
00:18:32.880 --> 00:18:35.240
of sex with, say an escort, that they don't want

416
00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:37.599
to have with their partner. There's a Madonna hook complex

417
00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:39.920
going on, and they see their partner as this loving,

418
00:18:40.039 --> 00:18:43.319
nurturing person and they want to do these really kinky,

419
00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:44.640
crazy things.

420
00:18:44.400 --> 00:18:45.079
To an escort.

421
00:18:45.359 --> 00:18:47.519
There's some people out there that don't have that affection,

422
00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:50.960
so they're really starved of feeling needed and wanted in

423
00:18:50.960 --> 00:18:53.400
a relationship, and they might be going out having an

424
00:18:53.400 --> 00:18:56.640
affair with a co worker or again a sex worker

425
00:18:56.720 --> 00:18:59.680
or someone under those lines where they feel like they're

426
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:03.200
being wanted. They feel like someone's showing them that sexual attention.

427
00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:06.279
And then you've got people who just go on with

428
00:19:06.319 --> 00:19:08.160
the flow of life, and they might get drunk one

429
00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:12.880
night and go whoopscrap, I shouldn't have done that opsy,

430
00:19:13.240 --> 00:19:15.880
And it does happen. It might be a circumstance where

431
00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:17.480
there's a lot of stuff going on at home and

432
00:19:17.519 --> 00:19:20.319
it's not being addressed, and someone finds themselves in a

433
00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:22.880
position where they get caught up. I think the problem

434
00:19:22.920 --> 00:19:25.599
is that we want to just jump on that bandwagon

435
00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:28.400
and say that person is a horrible monster without actually

436
00:19:28.480 --> 00:19:32.440
starting to understand what happens, because we can't ignore the statistics.

437
00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:36.039
Infidelity is so common and so right, and I'm.

438
00:19:35.920 --> 00:19:38.240
Not saying it to scare people, but I think you

439
00:19:38.359 --> 00:19:40.799
actually need to be having the conversations in your relationship.

440
00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:44.240
What do you constitute as cheating? For some people, they

441
00:19:44.279 --> 00:19:46.440
would be mortified if their partner went off to a

442
00:19:46.440 --> 00:19:49.359
strip club. That would be cheating to them. Even if

443
00:19:49.400 --> 00:19:52.680
you're lying or you're deceiving somebody, people go, well, that's cheating.

444
00:19:53.160 --> 00:19:55.480
For other people, they are allowed to go out and flirt.

445
00:19:55.480 --> 00:19:57.640
They encourage it because I think, well, I want my

446
00:19:57.680 --> 00:20:00.599
partner to feel that they're attractive to other people, So

447
00:20:01.039 --> 00:20:02.960
go out, have fun, go out with the boys, or

448
00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:04.720
go out with the girls. Just make sure you come

449
00:20:04.759 --> 00:20:07.480
home with me. You get people in open relationships who

450
00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:09.559
have set rules and it's not a matter of having

451
00:20:09.559 --> 00:20:12.160
sex with everybody that walks on this earth, and then

452
00:20:12.200 --> 00:20:14.039
it's all just this free for all, But it might

453
00:20:14.079 --> 00:20:16.440
be a thing of a negotiation. You know, you're at

454
00:20:16.440 --> 00:20:18.519
a party and oh, yes, we can have sex with

455
00:20:18.599 --> 00:20:21.799
that person within our relationship, or you're allowed to have

456
00:20:21.880 --> 00:20:24.279
a boyfriend, or you can have a hall pass. Now

457
00:20:24.279 --> 00:20:26.799
if they go outside those rules, so say, if there

458
00:20:26.799 --> 00:20:30.359
are rules of okay, it needs to be spoken about,

459
00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:32.599
it needs to be agreed upon, and yes, then that

460
00:20:32.640 --> 00:20:34.640
can happen. Say if they're going and have sex with

461
00:20:34.680 --> 00:20:37.759
someone and they haven't spoken to their primary partner about it,

462
00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:39.240
that would be considered cheating.

463
00:20:40.039 --> 00:20:42.799
Yeah, right, so that's very individual. Do you think, just

464
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:44.519
on that topic, do you think that really works?

465
00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:47.519
It depends on the type of person that you are.

466
00:20:47.559 --> 00:20:50.000
I've seen it work and I've seen it go horribly wrong,

467
00:20:50.079 --> 00:20:52.440
But monogamy doesn't always work.

468
00:20:52.680 --> 00:20:55.599
No, Well, there's a whole conversation there isn't there about

469
00:20:55.640 --> 00:20:59.000
whether really human beings are biologically designed to be monogamous.

470
00:20:59.119 --> 00:21:02.400
But I think the thing is that we commit to

471
00:21:02.880 --> 00:21:06.359
long term relationships for social reasons. So the the institution

472
00:21:06.440 --> 00:21:09.319
of marriage, I think that's how I mean, we're off

473
00:21:09.319 --> 00:21:11.319
the topic, but that's how monogaby came about, right, It's

474
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:14.960
actually the institution of marriage, which was about kind of

475
00:21:14.960 --> 00:21:16.519
protecting oursets and raising kids in.

476
00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:20.359
A family, family raising, and there was no such thing

477
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:24.799
as a paternity test, so you couldn't have you couldn't

478
00:21:24.799 --> 00:21:25.519
have your partner.

479
00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:26.519
Running as what was going on.

480
00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:27.640
Really exactly, it.

481
00:21:27.599 --> 00:21:30.119
Was a matter of I need to protect my young

482
00:21:30.240 --> 00:21:32.319
and I need to know what my young are. But

483
00:21:32.359 --> 00:21:34.079
I've had a lot of people in that space say

484
00:21:34.119 --> 00:21:37.480
to me, oh, it's not natural, and that really stood

485
00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:39.200
with me once as an example, when they're like, no.

486
00:21:39.240 --> 00:21:40.759
This is not natural, this is not natural.

487
00:21:41.079 --> 00:21:42.960
And I was thinking about it and I thought, hmm,

488
00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:44.920
it's not natural to wear clothes.

489
00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:46.839
That's a social construct. Now.

490
00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:48.759
If I had it my way, I'd probably be sitting

491
00:21:48.759 --> 00:21:51.680
on the couch watching TV, eating chocolate, drinking wine naked

492
00:21:51.680 --> 00:21:54.680
all day long. That's what feels natural to me. That's

493
00:21:54.839 --> 00:21:56.960
not how society works. I need to have a job,

494
00:21:57.000 --> 00:21:59.480
I need to wear clothes, I need to function in society.

495
00:21:59.599 --> 00:22:03.680
So for me, monogamy is about a choice. It works

496
00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:05.920
for me. I don't know if it's going to work

497
00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:08.680
for me forever, but it does right now on my life.

498
00:22:09.000 --> 00:22:12.319
So for those people that choose to be non monogamous,

499
00:22:12.359 --> 00:22:15.480
I'm completely supportive of that, But don't tell me that

500
00:22:15.599 --> 00:22:18.119
you're doing it because it's natural or not natural.

501
00:22:18.200 --> 00:22:19.640
That's the argument that I don't like.

502
00:22:19.960 --> 00:22:22.960
Good point, Do it because it works for you and

503
00:22:23.119 --> 00:22:26.240
your partners or partner, and that's the type of lifestyle

504
00:22:26.279 --> 00:22:27.279
that you choose to have.

505
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:27.920
Good point.

506
00:22:27.960 --> 00:22:31.160
What I'm not comfortable about is this debate of trying

507
00:22:31.200 --> 00:22:35.920
to look at bonobos that's apparently the most sexually similar

508
00:22:35.960 --> 00:22:38.759
animal to us, that they study a lot of sexuality

509
00:22:38.759 --> 00:22:41.480
patterns bonobos having a look at all their behaviors and

510
00:22:41.799 --> 00:22:45.319
trying to compare humans to different apes and even dolphins

511
00:22:45.359 --> 00:22:47.720
have sex for pleasure, and going, well, if that tribe

512
00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:50.039
does it like that, maybe that's got insight into how

513
00:22:50.079 --> 00:22:51.599
we're supposed to do it.

514
00:22:51.680 --> 00:22:52.680
So much of our life.

515
00:22:52.480 --> 00:22:54.960
As a social construct, So why don't we actually get

516
00:22:54.960 --> 00:22:58.880
to the point where we start ignoring this biology argument

517
00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:01.559
and actually listening to what it is that's going inside

518
00:23:01.599 --> 00:23:01.960
a head.

519
00:23:05.240 --> 00:23:08.880
So, Nikki, we've covered a lot of the common issues

520
00:23:08.880 --> 00:23:11.640
that people face in terms of their sex life, the

521
00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:15.160
sexual compatibility. So where do they start with trying to

522
00:23:15.319 --> 00:23:19.079
improve things and have a higher quality sexual relationship.

523
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:21.000
Well, I think the first thing is actually having a

524
00:23:21.000 --> 00:23:23.960
look at your expectations about what it is you're aiming for,

525
00:23:24.519 --> 00:23:27.039
you know, especially if you have small children and you're thinking,

526
00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:29.000
I want to get the spark back to when we

527
00:23:29.079 --> 00:23:31.279
first got together and we're ripping each other's clothes off.

528
00:23:31.519 --> 00:23:33.319
Is it realistic to think that you're going to be

529
00:23:33.359 --> 00:23:35.400
doing that when you've probably got two small children that

530
00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:36.880
are waking up during the middle of the night and

531
00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:39.519
there's no privacy and a woman's feeling like a milk factory.

532
00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:41.200
So think the first of all is having.

533
00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:43.000
A look at, well, why is it that you need

534
00:23:43.039 --> 00:23:45.119
to have sex with your partner, what are the benefits

535
00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:48.599
that you both find, and making a realistic expectation within that.

536
00:23:48.839 --> 00:23:51.160
So it might be you know, I feel really sexy

537
00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:51.559
when we.

538
00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:53.359
Have sex together because I feel needed and wanted it,

539
00:23:53.559 --> 00:23:56.559
or I feel really close to you. So establishing what

540
00:23:56.640 --> 00:23:59.319
that goal is then I think you actually have to

541
00:23:59.319 --> 00:24:01.359
have a look at being aware of what's going on.

542
00:24:01.839 --> 00:24:04.799
Sometimes just being in that space of acknowledging, Okay, we've

543
00:24:04.839 --> 00:24:07.480
been in the no sex cycle again, not that that

544
00:24:07.559 --> 00:24:10.519
is a medical the time five years, not that that

545
00:24:10.640 --> 00:24:12.839
is a medical term, but I heard doctor Nicky say it,

546
00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:14.359
and I think that that's where we are.

547
00:24:14.880 --> 00:24:16.440
Sometimes being aware just.

548
00:24:16.440 --> 00:24:19.519
Lifts that pressure off your shoulders and you stop searching

549
00:24:19.559 --> 00:24:23.359
for this medical complex reason, and you just go I

550
00:24:23.400 --> 00:24:25.440
get it. I've been a bit angry, and because I've

551
00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:28.039
been angry, I've been pulling away. Then I think you've

552
00:24:28.039 --> 00:24:30.160
also got to have a look at what you want sexually,

553
00:24:30.279 --> 00:24:33.000
because that's one of the biggest problems, especially for women

554
00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:35.160
and for the guys too, And they're thinking, why doesn't

555
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:38.039
my partner want sex anymore? I assure you most of

556
00:24:38.039 --> 00:24:39.640
the time it's because she's also bored.

557
00:24:40.480 --> 00:24:41.759
So if you're able.

558
00:24:41.519 --> 00:24:45.039
To tap into exploring what you want and what makes

559
00:24:45.079 --> 00:24:48.440
you tick, if it feels good, you're going to be

560
00:24:48.519 --> 00:24:50.680
able to do it more. So it's one of those

561
00:24:50.720 --> 00:24:54.279
things that it might be toys, it might be a

562
00:24:54.319 --> 00:24:57.319
new position in the bedroom, or it might be actually

563
00:24:57.359 --> 00:24:59.720
addressing things that are going on outside of the bedroom.

564
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.640
So when we say, you know, exploring what feels good,

565
00:25:02.920 --> 00:25:05.480
I see that as something that happens before we get

566
00:25:05.519 --> 00:25:08.200
to actual sex, because you might actually be stuck in

567
00:25:08.200 --> 00:25:10.039
a rut in your everyday life.

568
00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:11.920
You might be bored with the routine.

569
00:25:12.240 --> 00:25:14.200
You might be eating at the same restaurant because that

570
00:25:14.279 --> 00:25:16.400
both of you can't actually think of a new place

571
00:25:16.440 --> 00:25:18.519
that you've wanted to try, or you can never actually

572
00:25:18.559 --> 00:25:20.400
work out what movie you want to go to, because

573
00:25:20.480 --> 00:25:22.799
that causes effort to actually have that conversation what do

574
00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:23.440
you want to see?

575
00:25:23.519 --> 00:25:24.920
I don't know what do you want to see?

576
00:25:25.079 --> 00:25:27.640
So you get stuck in this rut in everyday life

577
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:30.640
and that feeds through into the bedroom. It's this headspace

578
00:25:30.640 --> 00:25:32.920
that you get into. So if you can find that

579
00:25:33.039 --> 00:25:35.839
luster for each other outside of the bedroom, it starts

580
00:25:35.880 --> 00:25:38.839
to ignite that spark about finding what you want to

581
00:25:38.880 --> 00:25:40.680
do in the bedroom. And you're not going to find

582
00:25:40.839 --> 00:25:43.279
one simple solution. It's not that there's going to be

583
00:25:43.359 --> 00:25:46.319
one product or one move or one movie that's going

584
00:25:46.400 --> 00:25:48.519
to do it. But being able to start that jenny

585
00:25:48.559 --> 00:25:51.599
together of hey, let's work out what it is that

586
00:25:51.640 --> 00:25:54.200
we both like. Let's work out what it is that

587
00:25:54.319 --> 00:25:54.960
feels good.

588
00:25:55.119 --> 00:25:58.279
Let's actually communicate about it. And that's the biggest thing

589
00:25:58.319 --> 00:25:58.599
is if.

590
00:25:58.559 --> 00:26:01.440
You can't talk about sex, how are you supposed to

591
00:26:01.440 --> 00:26:05.960
improve things? Because it's that constant communication that while you're exploring,

592
00:26:05.960 --> 00:26:09.160
whether it's inside outside of the bedroom, why you're becoming

593
00:26:09.200 --> 00:26:12.480
aware of what's been going on, you constantly need to

594
00:26:12.519 --> 00:26:15.319
be talking about it and talking about how you feel

595
00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:16.119
about sex.

596
00:26:16.559 --> 00:26:19.799
Can I just throw in there though as somebody who's

597
00:26:19.839 --> 00:26:22.319
now been married for we've just had our seventeen year

598
00:26:22.359 --> 00:26:26.160
wedding anniversary being thank you being together, you know, probably

599
00:26:26.240 --> 00:26:29.839
closer to twenty or more so. In the early days

600
00:26:29.839 --> 00:26:32.119
of a relationship, it is very new and exciting and

601
00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:34.799
you love everything about this person, and you know, sex

602
00:26:34.880 --> 00:26:36.920
is great, and of course you're free, and there's no kids,

603
00:26:36.960 --> 00:26:40.640
and there's none of those issues that get in the way.

604
00:26:41.319 --> 00:26:45.200
But you know, after five years, ten years, fifteen years

605
00:26:45.440 --> 00:26:48.160
of living with the same person, you know them. You know,

606
00:26:48.440 --> 00:26:52.039
there's nothing really new and different like you know, And

607
00:26:52.640 --> 00:26:54.119
I think I speak for a lot of people when

608
00:26:54.160 --> 00:26:57.359
I say that when that newness wears off, like you

609
00:26:57.400 --> 00:27:01.359
can't magically take yourself back to not the.

610
00:27:01.400 --> 00:27:04.599
New, I find another way to be new, because I

611
00:27:04.720 --> 00:27:07.880
actually think that there's something beautiful in knowing somebody intimately

612
00:27:07.880 --> 00:27:08.640
inside and out.

613
00:27:08.559 --> 00:27:12.359
Absolutely and the quality of the relationship I think deepens emotionally.

614
00:27:12.759 --> 00:27:16.480
But in terms of sexual spark, it's like.

615
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:18.759
When you've seen somebody like they get to the toilet

616
00:27:18.799 --> 00:27:21.000
with the door open and they eat you know.

617
00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:21.599
Do you know what I mean?

618
00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:23.559
I got that when people go you need to keep

619
00:27:23.559 --> 00:27:25.400
that mystery. Like I'm one of those people that I

620
00:27:25.480 --> 00:27:28.799
love intimacy, So like go to the toilet with the

621
00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:31.519
door open and I have a shower together, Like I

622
00:27:31.920 --> 00:27:35.039
it doesn't actually impact my sex life. And and that's

623
00:27:35.039 --> 00:27:37.400
what I mean about that beautiful intimacy is that I

624
00:27:37.440 --> 00:27:39.559
think it's great that when you can pull down those

625
00:27:40.359 --> 00:27:42.599
those bounds and you can actually be very open with

626
00:27:42.640 --> 00:27:46.240
somebody when you have a look at exploring sexually. Then

627
00:27:46.319 --> 00:27:48.799
I mean, let's just take We're on a podcast, so

628
00:27:48.839 --> 00:27:49.480
we can be open.

629
00:27:49.680 --> 00:27:51.119
Let's take the act of anal sex.

630
00:27:51.359 --> 00:27:53.480
Oh gosh, we are going to go there that we like.

631
00:27:53.480 --> 00:27:54.480
To go there. Okay.

632
00:27:55.039 --> 00:27:57.759
Now, a lot of people are very interested in exploring

633
00:27:57.799 --> 00:28:01.000
anal sex. One of the biggest fear is what they

634
00:28:01.079 --> 00:28:05.839
might discover when they explore anal sex in terms of substances. So,

635
00:28:06.319 --> 00:28:09.799
if you're on a relationship where the intimacy is there,

636
00:28:09.920 --> 00:28:13.160
you've been through childbirth together, you've seen everything.

637
00:28:12.920 --> 00:28:15.599
Would it matter? Would it really matter?

638
00:28:16.240 --> 00:28:19.079
Versus when you're dating and you're thinking, you would just

639
00:28:19.119 --> 00:28:22.839
be mortified if you were exploring that particular sexual act

640
00:28:23.160 --> 00:28:25.359
and there was some little specs that you didn't want

641
00:28:25.400 --> 00:28:27.359
the other person to find, you would just die inside

642
00:28:27.400 --> 00:28:29.559
and I know so many women that have like just

643
00:28:29.759 --> 00:28:32.039
they have these horror stories for me, and they said, oh,

644
00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:33.920
I just got my clothes on and got an over

645
00:28:34.000 --> 00:28:36.279
and got out of there, Whereas if you've been together

646
00:28:36.599 --> 00:28:38.480
fifteen twenty years, you'd be.

647
00:28:38.440 --> 00:28:40.400
Like, there's nothing gross anymore, what happened?

648
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:43.000
So there is that level of when you're looking at

649
00:28:43.119 --> 00:28:46.960
sexual exploration. I think that is a really great thing

650
00:28:47.079 --> 00:28:50.279
because you can become more honest with each other. But

651
00:28:50.319 --> 00:28:52.640
really it takes so much effort to be creative and

652
00:28:52.680 --> 00:28:55.599
the newness has to be in how you have sex.

653
00:28:55.680 --> 00:28:55.799
Now.

654
00:28:55.839 --> 00:28:58.200
One of the problems is that we don't have access

655
00:28:58.200 --> 00:29:00.599
to a lot of sex information. When we start to

656
00:29:00.640 --> 00:29:04.000
google search, we find porn right and pawn. Sometimes there's

657
00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:05.839
porn out there that's very positive for women, but there's

658
00:29:05.839 --> 00:29:07.359
a lot of porn out there that we look at

659
00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:10.680
and we go, uh, how the hell do they actually

660
00:29:10.720 --> 00:29:14.279
do that? So we actually need more tools to be

661
00:29:14.319 --> 00:29:16.200
able to say to people that are exactly in the

662
00:29:16.200 --> 00:29:18.759
position that you're explaining to me, Okay, here's all the

663
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:20.119
options available.

664
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:21.960
For you, what is it that you want to explore?

665
00:29:22.039 --> 00:29:24.599
Because it's that creative thinking to think, Okay, if I

666
00:29:24.640 --> 00:29:27.079
can't have a new partner, because even if you were

667
00:29:27.119 --> 00:29:28.680
to have a new partner, you would end up in

668
00:29:28.720 --> 00:29:32.559
the same fate. Oh exactly same situation, and it might

669
00:29:32.599 --> 00:29:35.240
be thrilling and good first off, Like if you were

670
00:29:35.319 --> 00:29:38.160
just say, could open up your relationship and say, okay, honey,

671
00:29:38.240 --> 00:29:40.720
god have sex with somebody else, the first few times,

672
00:29:40.720 --> 00:29:41.960
you're like, oh, you'd be like a kid in a

673
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:44.640
candy store, but you'd find yourself in the same cycle.

674
00:29:44.759 --> 00:29:47.279
So really, what it's about is exploring something that's new

675
00:29:47.279 --> 00:29:50.640
between the two of you. And unfortunately, that's not something

676
00:29:50.680 --> 00:29:53.279
that's going to be the same for every different person.

677
00:29:53.359 --> 00:29:55.720
And that's what I wish I could just package up

678
00:29:55.759 --> 00:29:58.519
and give to everybody. But part of being able to

679
00:29:58.559 --> 00:30:02.119
ignite that spark is really tapping into what excites you

680
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:04.920
and what excites your partner. Now, if we throw back

681
00:30:04.920 --> 00:30:09.279
in these themes of am I normal and shame with guils? Sorry,

682
00:30:09.559 --> 00:30:13.240
shame with sex, this is where it becomes complex, because

683
00:30:13.640 --> 00:30:16.720
you might be exploring sexuality with your partner after seventeen

684
00:30:16.799 --> 00:30:20.039
years according to the bounds of what you think is normal.

685
00:30:21.079 --> 00:30:24.000
Because if you really listen to what you want and

686
00:30:24.039 --> 00:30:27.599
you really listen to what excites you sorry, what excites you.

687
00:30:28.039 --> 00:30:29.839
It might be a bit scary, It might be a

688
00:30:29.920 --> 00:30:32.400
bit confronting, it might be a bit different. You might

689
00:30:32.440 --> 00:30:34.519
be worried that your partner might reject you for it

690
00:30:34.599 --> 00:30:35.720
or not be on board with it.

691
00:30:36.079 --> 00:30:39.359
And that's what we're really sure my partner anything I want.

692
00:30:39.240 --> 00:30:40.240
To test out that theory.

693
00:30:40.880 --> 00:30:43.119
I don't think that would ever be a potential barrier.

694
00:30:43.880 --> 00:30:45.880
You know, there might be something that even confronts you

695
00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:47.960
or scares you, and you think, or if this is

696
00:30:47.960 --> 00:30:51.119
what I find sexually interesting, how do I incorporate that

697
00:30:51.160 --> 00:30:53.680
into my relationship? And this is the problem is that

698
00:30:53.720 --> 00:30:55.920
we need to see moms and dads that have been

699
00:30:55.960 --> 00:30:57.720
together for seventeen years.

700
00:30:57.759 --> 00:31:00.519
As sexual beings. Yeah, we humor and.

701
00:31:00.480 --> 00:31:03.279
We normalize the fact that you just don't have sex anymore.

702
00:31:03.480 --> 00:31:05.519
You have sex out of a chore or its resentment.

703
00:31:05.880 --> 00:31:08.240
And I think that's a problem in itself because as

704
00:31:08.279 --> 00:31:11.119
our communities and as our friendship groups, we should actually

705
00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:13.720
be supporting each other and sharing stories and say, hey,

706
00:31:13.759 --> 00:31:15.519
we did this, or or we went down to the

707
00:31:15.519 --> 00:31:17.200
local sex shop, ul I picked him up at a

708
00:31:17.240 --> 00:31:19.400
bar and thought he was a stranger, or we went

709
00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:21.480
and watched porn together. You know, we should actually be

710
00:31:21.559 --> 00:31:24.359
swapping those stories, not in a matter to embarrass each

711
00:31:24.400 --> 00:31:26.880
other or wear the label of being the sex person.

712
00:31:26.880 --> 00:31:28.240
You know, there's always that person in the group that

713
00:31:28.279 --> 00:31:30.240
just wants to talk about their sex life. But it's

714
00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:32.720
more about sharing to actually give that permission and give

715
00:31:32.720 --> 00:31:35.039
each other ideas and say, if you have been in

716
00:31:35.079 --> 00:31:39.359
a relationship for seventeen twenty twenty five years, you still

717
00:31:39.400 --> 00:31:42.200
have the right to be kinky. And it's why I

718
00:31:42.200 --> 00:31:45.000
don't even like the term couple friendly. Like you hear

719
00:31:45.039 --> 00:31:47.680
a lot the term like in porn, couple friendly porn,

720
00:31:48.079 --> 00:31:49.839
and its actually a porn star that said to me

721
00:31:49.880 --> 00:31:50.480
one day.

722
00:31:51.000 --> 00:31:52.400
Why can't couples be kinky?

723
00:31:53.640 --> 00:31:57.240
Why do we soften a couple, especially a married couple.

724
00:31:57.759 --> 00:31:59.480
And it's like, well, we don't want to confront you

725
00:31:59.519 --> 00:32:01.359
too much, so we'll take out the anal and we'll

726
00:32:01.400 --> 00:32:03.119
take out the triple gang bang, and we'll just give

727
00:32:03.119 --> 00:32:05.759
you a man and a woman that's intimate. And it's like, well,

728
00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:08.960
hang on, what is that saying about how we see

729
00:32:08.960 --> 00:32:10.759
this union of marriage and how we see a long

730
00:32:10.839 --> 00:32:11.759
term relationship.

731
00:32:12.119 --> 00:32:14.519
Why can't it be spicy? Why can't it be kinky?

732
00:32:14.880 --> 00:32:18.039
I think our attitudes that surround couples have a lot

733
00:32:18.079 --> 00:32:20.720
to answer for as to what we're actually doing with

734
00:32:20.759 --> 00:32:23.160
those attitudes for the downfall of sex in a bedroom.

735
00:32:23.240 --> 00:32:25.119
So, Nikki, I imagine that you know, a lot of

736
00:32:25.119 --> 00:32:27.279
this stuff is probably, you know, a bit confronting or

737
00:32:27.319 --> 00:32:29.240
a bit overwhelming for a lot of people. You know,

738
00:32:30.319 --> 00:32:33.920
So where where do the people start in terms of

739
00:32:33.920 --> 00:32:37.160
like having some of these conversations like the what's the

740
00:32:37.200 --> 00:32:37.880
starting point?

741
00:32:38.359 --> 00:32:40.720
I always think using a catalyst is a really good

742
00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:43.799
one because if out of the blue, so you're driving

743
00:32:43.799 --> 00:32:45.400
in the car one afternoon and you say to your

744
00:32:45.400 --> 00:32:47.640
partner want to talk to you about our sex life,

745
00:32:47.960 --> 00:32:50.039
and you could nearly probably feel it, and someone's like, go,

746
00:32:50.079 --> 00:32:51.440
oh god, they're not happy.

747
00:32:51.599 --> 00:32:53.160
Oh god, what are they going to throw at me?

748
00:32:53.519 --> 00:32:55.720
So sometimes when you're able to say it might be

749
00:32:55.799 --> 00:32:59.000
an article, it might be this podcast who knows, Hey,

750
00:32:59.079 --> 00:33:01.359
I was listening to, I was reading too, I was

751
00:33:01.400 --> 00:33:04.039
watching this thing. I'd be really interested to get your

752
00:33:04.079 --> 00:33:05.960
thoughts on it, or I'd love you to have a

753
00:33:05.960 --> 00:33:08.200
look and see what you think. Being able to take

754
00:33:08.240 --> 00:33:10.359
it outside the realms of the relationship and kind of

755
00:33:10.400 --> 00:33:13.440
put it on the exterior and say hey, I want

756
00:33:13.480 --> 00:33:15.480
to introduce you. It's kind of even the pre warning

757
00:33:15.480 --> 00:33:17.599
of what you're going to talk about, like, let's talk

758
00:33:17.640 --> 00:33:20.599
about this. It's a less confronting way because people feel

759
00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:24.279
so confronted when you talk about sex because automatically we

760
00:33:24.319 --> 00:33:26.759
all go into that space of I'm not good enough,

761
00:33:27.039 --> 00:33:29.559
they're not satisfied, they're going to leave me, you know,

762
00:33:29.640 --> 00:33:31.680
Oh are they seeing somebody else if they're not happy

763
00:33:31.680 --> 00:33:33.440
in the bedroom. And I think we leave it too

764
00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:35.480
late because we do leave it often to that point

765
00:33:35.559 --> 00:33:37.519
where it's really in the red zone, and then we

766
00:33:37.559 --> 00:33:40.559
feel desperate and we're bored, and the conversations do get

767
00:33:40.559 --> 00:33:42.880
really awkward. So if you can find that catalyst and

768
00:33:42.920 --> 00:33:44.599
then be abing to extend from that and.

769
00:33:44.559 --> 00:33:47.880
Say, well, you know, I just think that maybe we could.

770
00:33:47.640 --> 00:33:50.319
Explore a little bit more in our sexuality. I think

771
00:33:50.359 --> 00:33:53.480
awareness and we've spoken about this before, but actually flagging

772
00:33:53.480 --> 00:33:55.880
that is a really big thing. If you're able to

773
00:33:55.960 --> 00:33:59.319
say to you other, your partner, I actually think that

774
00:33:59.359 --> 00:34:02.640
we've been stuck in this cycle or I feel like

775
00:34:02.720 --> 00:34:05.240
we're just not the people that we used to be sexually.

776
00:34:05.880 --> 00:34:08.480
That's often a really good place to start because it

777
00:34:08.480 --> 00:34:11.840
may actually tap into the other person that will go, yeah,

778
00:34:11.960 --> 00:34:14.920
I get that, instead of pushing this onto someone else

779
00:34:14.960 --> 00:34:18.440
and saying you're not giving me orgasms, which is something

780
00:34:18.559 --> 00:34:21.960
women do really badly because it's no one's responsibility. It's

781
00:34:22.039 --> 00:34:26.119
our responsibility, and we should be experiencing them, not receiving them.

782
00:34:26.440 --> 00:34:28.440
But if we're able to open up the conversation of

783
00:34:28.519 --> 00:34:32.159
recognizing what's going on instead of blaming someone, that's where

784
00:34:32.159 --> 00:34:34.360
we're going to get someone else more on board. The

785
00:34:34.400 --> 00:34:36.159
worst thing that you can ever do is dump it

786
00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:39.159
on somebody else and walk away. It's your problem, you

787
00:34:39.239 --> 00:34:42.760
fix it. I'm off because you actually need to leave

788
00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:45.480
somebody with this idea that there's something to work on.

789
00:34:45.840 --> 00:34:48.400
I always call it the sandwich formula. You know, it's

790
00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:50.320
like the bread you start off with. You know, I

791
00:34:50.360 --> 00:34:53.440
really love you, honey, and I'm really attracted to but.

792
00:34:54.000 --> 00:34:56.239
What's the meaning? And there's this thing that I want

793
00:34:56.280 --> 00:34:56.719
to work on?

794
00:34:57.000 --> 00:34:59.199
Right, But don't worry, I still find you, you know,

795
00:34:59.239 --> 00:35:00.679
the most amazing person in the world.

796
00:35:00.679 --> 00:35:02.000
I love this relationship.

797
00:35:02.239 --> 00:35:04.360
Oh and by the way, I have found some resources

798
00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:06.719
that we could you know, that we could investigate to

799
00:35:07.159 --> 00:35:09.400
if you can leave someone with hope that there is

800
00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:12.159
something to work on. So it might be an exercise.

801
00:35:12.320 --> 00:35:14.639
It might be saying, hey, how about we have a

802
00:35:14.719 --> 00:35:17.599
date night. The in laws can take care of the children.

803
00:35:18.079 --> 00:35:20.840
Let's go on a romantic picnic where no one around

804
00:35:20.920 --> 00:35:23.039
us can actually hear us talking about our sex life.

805
00:35:23.079 --> 00:35:25.400
That's a problem with a restaurant everyone next to you.

806
00:35:25.400 --> 00:35:29.119
You're like, I'm trying to talk about intimate details and

807
00:35:29.159 --> 00:35:31.679
the person next to me is eavesdropping, you know, having

808
00:35:31.719 --> 00:35:33.559
a moment for the two of you to then say,

809
00:35:33.960 --> 00:35:36.719
let's actually talk about sex, not pushing them within that

810
00:35:36.760 --> 00:35:39.840
first conversation of we need to talk about everything that's

811
00:35:39.840 --> 00:35:42.280
going on wrong with our sex life. It's more about

812
00:35:42.320 --> 00:35:45.760
introducing what's happening and then putting a later date of

813
00:35:46.039 --> 00:35:48.679
let's take some time to think about it, come back

814
00:35:49.000 --> 00:35:52.039
and start having those conversations around what do we want

815
00:35:52.079 --> 00:35:54.360
to explore, what do you think is going on? Where

816
00:35:54.400 --> 00:35:56.840
do you think we've got stuck? Are there things that

817
00:35:57.159 --> 00:35:59.000
you would like in the bedroom that I'm not giving

818
00:35:59.039 --> 00:36:02.360
you too much? Which at once is way too overwhelming.

819
00:36:02.400 --> 00:36:05.119
So you have to start small, but you have to

820
00:36:05.199 --> 00:36:06.559
engage the other person.

821
00:36:07.039 --> 00:36:10.000
I would actually even say that I would go back

822
00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:12.000
a step before that, even, like if you're going to

823
00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:14.719
start having that conversation, I think, and I think this

824
00:36:14.760 --> 00:36:17.239
would be the case for many women, Let's just talk

825
00:36:17.239 --> 00:36:20.480
about how we can reconnect emotionally, Like, let's talk about

826
00:36:20.480 --> 00:36:22.519
how we can actually spend some quality time together and

827
00:36:22.559 --> 00:36:24.760
if there has been years of build up of resentment

828
00:36:24.840 --> 00:36:28.280
or boredom or whatever, like, let's just start to get

829
00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:31.000
to know each other again a bit as a couple

830
00:36:31.079 --> 00:36:33.239
before we even have the sex conversation. I think for

831
00:36:33.280 --> 00:36:34.760
a lot of women, if there was more of that

832
00:36:34.840 --> 00:36:39.559
emotional connection and just enjoying each other's company and laughing together,

833
00:36:39.639 --> 00:36:42.639
remembering what you liked about them, I loved about them

834
00:36:42.679 --> 00:36:45.559
in the beginning, which is still all there. I think

835
00:36:45.599 --> 00:36:47.639
for a lot of women, that would naturally flow into

836
00:36:47.679 --> 00:36:48.559
being more open.

837
00:36:49.239 --> 00:36:51.440
But whatever's going on to sex, it's.

838
00:36:51.320 --> 00:36:53.960
Got to go back to eventually, you know, but because

839
00:36:54.000 --> 00:36:55.719
it's got to be about the sex.

840
00:36:55.840 --> 00:36:58.159
But I'm thinking, like I'm putting myself in a guy's

841
00:36:58.159 --> 00:37:00.360
physician here, and I'm thinking, if my partners to me,

842
00:37:00.880 --> 00:37:02.760
I want to get back to you know, laughing and

843
00:37:02.800 --> 00:37:05.239
all that, and I'd be like, and about the sexy,

844
00:37:05.719 --> 00:37:07.679
but you know, it comes back to and I think

845
00:37:07.920 --> 00:37:10.039
this is a problem, is that actually having looking at

846
00:37:10.039 --> 00:37:12.760
the importance of sex and that women should want sex

847
00:37:12.920 --> 00:37:15.039
just as much as men because it is a way

848
00:37:15.039 --> 00:37:18.199
that we connect not only with ourselves but with our partner,

849
00:37:18.280 --> 00:37:20.119
and it makes us feel good and it helps us

850
00:37:20.159 --> 00:37:22.360
get to sleep, and it makes us feel sexy, and

851
00:37:22.400 --> 00:37:25.000
it produces all these yummy, great hormones and our bodies.

852
00:37:25.360 --> 00:37:28.199
So first of all, it is about looking at the

853
00:37:28.239 --> 00:37:31.880
emotional but linking it into I need to feel wanted

854
00:37:31.880 --> 00:37:33.559
and needed, I need to feel hurt, I need to

855
00:37:33.559 --> 00:37:36.079
feel happy in order to be able to take the

856
00:37:36.119 --> 00:37:39.239
connection to the next level. Because connection is not just

857
00:37:39.519 --> 00:37:42.639
one thing. It's emotional and it's also physical, and I

858
00:37:42.679 --> 00:37:45.760
think the combination of those two things is beautiful and

859
00:37:46.119 --> 00:37:47.960
we want to see it in the romantic context, like

860
00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:49.880
we look at connection and we look at physical and

861
00:37:49.920 --> 00:37:52.360
intimate and all those things. Even if you were having

862
00:37:52.360 --> 00:37:54.880
a one night stand, you still crave a connection with

863
00:37:54.920 --> 00:37:57.000
that person. It's just a connection that doesn't maybe go

864
00:37:57.119 --> 00:38:00.440
past that night or a few weeks. It actual even

865
00:38:00.519 --> 00:38:04.440
recognizing that great sex is actually about having an emotional

866
00:38:04.480 --> 00:38:07.960
and a physical connection and not being confused about what

867
00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:10.599
that means in a relationship is easier for us because

868
00:38:10.840 --> 00:38:14.719
we're looking at that long term. When we're having casual sex,

869
00:38:14.760 --> 00:38:17.119
it gets confusing for us because we think, can we

870
00:38:17.159 --> 00:38:20.079
connect and then disconnect and connect and then disconnect. But

871
00:38:20.840 --> 00:38:22.880
if we have a look at what good sex is,

872
00:38:23.000 --> 00:38:24.519
even if you ask a porn start and then we

873
00:38:24.599 --> 00:38:27.159
keep going back to porn. But it is a fascinating

874
00:38:27.199 --> 00:38:28.920
thing when you have a look at the average couple

875
00:38:29.000 --> 00:38:32.000
versus the porn star. I've asked a lot of porn stars,

876
00:38:32.280 --> 00:38:34.400
what's the difference, like couples that are both in the industry,

877
00:38:34.480 --> 00:38:38.079
what's the difference between your relationship on screen?

878
00:38:38.239 --> 00:38:40.000
And some of them do work together and at.

879
00:38:39.840 --> 00:38:43.639
Home, and all the time I will have people say

880
00:38:43.639 --> 00:38:45.639
to me, the type of sex that we have at

881
00:38:45.679 --> 00:38:49.239
home would look boring. And it's interesting that we have

882
00:38:49.320 --> 00:38:51.559
a society that when we talk about how to spice

883
00:38:51.599 --> 00:38:54.840
things up, we have couples that look at porn and

884
00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:57.400
use that as this level of something they need to achieve.

885
00:38:57.840 --> 00:38:59.559
They think we need to be having that type of

886
00:38:59.559 --> 00:39:01.800
sex for it to be exciting. Now the people that

887
00:39:01.840 --> 00:39:03.840
are having that type of sex on screen.

888
00:39:03.800 --> 00:39:04.719
Are not having that sex.

889
00:39:04.920 --> 00:39:07.079
Not having that sex they're having the sex that you're having,

890
00:39:07.360 --> 00:39:10.159
which is And people have said to me missionary position,

891
00:39:10.440 --> 00:39:12.639
because I said, porn is all about camera angles. You've

892
00:39:12.679 --> 00:39:14.000
got to do all these fancy things to be able

893
00:39:14.039 --> 00:39:16.000
to get a camera in there. And this one couple

894
00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:19.199
said to me, we really just like missionary because we're

895
00:39:19.239 --> 00:39:22.360
face to face, our bodies are on each other. And

896
00:39:22.400 --> 00:39:24.639
that's when they said the word it would look boring.

897
00:39:24.800 --> 00:39:27.280
It's not boring to them because they can have whatever

898
00:39:27.320 --> 00:39:29.760
type of sex that they want. But the sex that

899
00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:32.760
they choose to have is the sex that we're looking

900
00:39:32.760 --> 00:39:33.800
at as not good enough.

901
00:39:33.920 --> 00:39:36.440
Isn't that The problem though, with the porn, the whole

902
00:39:36.480 --> 00:39:39.599
porn industry, is the expectations that sets for people. I think,

903
00:39:40.360 --> 00:39:44.880
you know, people use it as a I don't know, inspirations,

904
00:39:44.920 --> 00:39:48.000
buys things up, get turned on, but I think there

905
00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:51.440
are some problems with the level of expectation that it

906
00:39:51.480 --> 00:39:53.199
sets for people, especially young people.

907
00:39:53.400 --> 00:39:55.159
Well, I think the problem is with porn is that

908
00:39:55.199 --> 00:39:57.920
it's the intention of porn is not for an instructional DVD.

909
00:39:58.599 --> 00:40:00.679
And that's the problem is that because we don't have

910
00:40:00.719 --> 00:40:03.840
the conversations around porn, we see it as something that

911
00:40:03.840 --> 00:40:06.239
we should emulate, which is not the intent of whites there.

912
00:40:06.280 --> 00:40:09.840
The intent is just for entertainment, sexy entertainment. It's the

913
00:40:09.880 --> 00:40:12.119
same way as if you go to the movies. We

914
00:40:12.159 --> 00:40:14.920
shouldn't be looking at a car chase scene from The

915
00:40:14.960 --> 00:40:16.280
Fast and the Furious.

916
00:40:15.920 --> 00:40:17.920
And thinking, oh, yeah, that's what I'm going to drive

917
00:40:17.960 --> 00:40:20.199
my car. It's the same thing when we look at porn.

918
00:40:20.199 --> 00:40:22.559
We shouldn't actually be looking at porn and going, oh,

919
00:40:22.639 --> 00:40:24.880
is that what I should be doing. So when we

920
00:40:24.960 --> 00:40:27.800
have this lack of sex education and this information, we

921
00:40:27.880 --> 00:40:31.320
don't have these conversations around the intentions of porn, we

922
00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:33.440
then get this recipe of looking at porn and thinking

923
00:40:33.599 --> 00:40:35.800
that's what we should be doing. Whereas if you then

924
00:40:35.840 --> 00:40:37.719
go to the porn industry and ask them why they're

925
00:40:37.760 --> 00:40:42.480
creating films and clips because people find it exciting and

926
00:40:42.480 --> 00:40:45.239
they find it sexy entertainment. They get off on it,

927
00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:48.559
and it shouldn't be something that we look at and triumulate.

928
00:40:48.599 --> 00:40:50.800
And that's the problem in itself is that for a

929
00:40:50.840 --> 00:40:52.840
lot of couples who do want to use porn to

930
00:40:52.880 --> 00:40:57.159
spice up their relationship, it's sexy entertainment if it feels

931
00:40:57.159 --> 00:40:59.760
good and you get a tingle. Stop there in terms

932
00:40:59.760 --> 00:41:02.079
of stop your thinking there. It's just something that you

933
00:41:02.119 --> 00:41:03.840
look at and you go, oh, that's a bit exciting.

934
00:41:03.880 --> 00:41:05.440
I've got a bit of a tingle in my pants.

935
00:41:05.719 --> 00:41:08.320
I feel that quite erotic. It doesn't mean that you

936
00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:10.719
necessarily want to do it. It doesn't mean that you have

937
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:12.960
to do it or have to go through with that.

938
00:41:12.960 --> 00:41:15.880
That's this area of fantasy in our brain that we

939
00:41:15.960 --> 00:41:16.960
can't make sense of.

940
00:41:17.360 --> 00:41:17.559
You know.

941
00:41:17.599 --> 00:41:20.599
We see things that turn us on, we read things,

942
00:41:20.679 --> 00:41:23.519
we hear things, and sometimes we get very confused by

943
00:41:23.519 --> 00:41:25.960
it because we go hang on, that doesn't fit in

944
00:41:26.000 --> 00:41:28.639
with the idea of normal in my head. But when

945
00:41:28.639 --> 00:41:31.440
it becomes fantasy, and porn is fantasy, it's something we

946
00:41:31.480 --> 00:41:34.519
tap into, we look at, we put ourselves in those positions.

947
00:41:35.119 --> 00:41:37.360
That's where it has to stay. For some people it doesn't,

948
00:41:37.480 --> 00:41:40.400
but that's where we have to accept that. That's where

949
00:41:40.440 --> 00:41:43.239
porn is great because we can flick something on, have

950
00:41:43.360 --> 00:41:44.519
a look, and if we can see it in the

951
00:41:44.599 --> 00:41:47.480
right context, then it can be something that is an

952
00:41:47.480 --> 00:41:50.199
aid in the bedroom. The danger is when we look

953
00:41:50.239 --> 00:41:52.519
at it and we feel inferior because that's what we

954
00:41:52.559 --> 00:41:54.360
think that we should be doing nikki.

955
00:41:55.119 --> 00:41:58.079
If a person is in a position where they're starting

956
00:41:58.079 --> 00:42:01.960
to open up this conversation, trying to move things in

957
00:42:02.000 --> 00:42:04.119
a different direction, and they're just hitting a brick wall,

958
00:42:04.159 --> 00:42:06.239
like the partner's not prepared to engage in that conversation,

959
00:42:06.320 --> 00:42:07.800
Like where did they go from there?

960
00:42:07.840 --> 00:42:09.239
Well, I think first of all, you need to actually

961
00:42:09.239 --> 00:42:11.159
have a look at the tactics that you're using to

962
00:42:11.199 --> 00:42:14.920
have this conversation. Ask yourself if you're being too confrontational,

963
00:42:15.079 --> 00:42:18.159
Are you pressuring that person too much? It might be

964
00:42:18.199 --> 00:42:20.719
the way that you're trying to talk to them about sex,

965
00:42:20.760 --> 00:42:24.440
But also if they're really stuck, sometimes it might signify

966
00:42:24.599 --> 00:42:27.000
that there's something else going on. Should you be talking

967
00:42:27.079 --> 00:42:29.199
about sex or is there something deeper that they're holding

968
00:42:29.239 --> 00:42:32.239
on to? Is there issues, has there been past trauma,

969
00:42:32.440 --> 00:42:34.440
Is there something to do with their sex life that

970
00:42:34.440 --> 00:42:36.679
they're very uncomfortable with, or is there something going on

971
00:42:36.719 --> 00:42:39.000
in their life that they're really focused and holding on

972
00:42:39.039 --> 00:42:42.239
to that's stopping them from having that conversation. But I

973
00:42:42.280 --> 00:42:44.119
think the biggest thing is if you do get stuck,

974
00:42:44.679 --> 00:42:47.679
don't be scared to seek help, because I think, especially

975
00:42:47.719 --> 00:42:50.039
as an Australian society, we seem to have a bit

976
00:42:50.079 --> 00:42:51.920
of an issue to putting up a hands and going

977
00:42:52.719 --> 00:42:55.239
I'd like some therapy now, please, Because we see it

978
00:42:55.239 --> 00:42:57.440
as a point merely a failure, like if we can't

979
00:42:57.440 --> 00:43:00.519
get this right and we need help, then we must

980
00:43:00.519 --> 00:43:02.480
be doing it wrong or it must be so shameful

981
00:43:02.480 --> 00:43:05.000
because everyone else seems to be doing it right on Instagram.

982
00:43:06.079 --> 00:43:09.360
You know, it's this projection of perfection that we're stuck in.

983
00:43:09.920 --> 00:43:11.760
But when you speak to people, a lot of people

984
00:43:11.800 --> 00:43:15.320
do access therapy, and I see therapy is like facial

985
00:43:15.360 --> 00:43:18.719
for the brain. And in this context, we're not taught

986
00:43:18.760 --> 00:43:21.119
how to be in a relationship. Our role modeling comes

987
00:43:21.159 --> 00:43:24.199
from the society that we live in and often our parents,

988
00:43:24.599 --> 00:43:25.280
and we're living in.

989
00:43:25.280 --> 00:43:26.199
A different age.

990
00:43:26.360 --> 00:43:30.280
Relationships today are not the relationships that our parents had.

991
00:43:30.639 --> 00:43:32.800
So if no one is teaching us how to do it,

992
00:43:33.440 --> 00:43:36.000
how do we expect to get it right? So that's

993
00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:38.840
why I feel like sometimes it's a maintenance. And if

994
00:43:38.840 --> 00:43:41.559
you are feeling that you're struggling a bit, don't be

995
00:43:41.639 --> 00:43:43.800
scared to put up and ask for help. I mean,

996
00:43:43.880 --> 00:43:47.159
even as an expert, I still need help because I

997
00:43:47.199 --> 00:43:49.119
can't take my head off my own shoulders and look

998
00:43:49.159 --> 00:43:52.400
externally internally into my life. But I get that it

999
00:43:52.440 --> 00:43:54.559
can be a real humbling experience to be able to

1000
00:43:54.559 --> 00:43:56.719
say to somebody, I need you to help me out

1001
00:43:56.719 --> 00:43:59.199
with this. We need some information, we need some advice,

1002
00:43:59.280 --> 00:44:02.360
we need another person active. But the problem is going

1003
00:44:02.400 --> 00:44:05.280
to be is sometimes getting that other person to agree

1004
00:44:05.320 --> 00:44:05.719
to do it.

1005
00:44:06.079 --> 00:44:08.280
I think that's a really good point. I think, especially

1006
00:44:08.280 --> 00:44:10.880
with something like sex, where there can be so much

1007
00:44:10.960 --> 00:44:15.639
shame around that that trying to have a conversation about

1008
00:44:15.639 --> 00:44:18.920
it or expressing that you're not happy about it like

1009
00:44:18.960 --> 00:44:21.440
it can really shut people down. So being able to

1010
00:44:21.480 --> 00:44:25.119
have a third person very like any you know, I'm

1011
00:44:25.119 --> 00:44:27.519
a psychologist, of course, I.

1012
00:44:26.880 --> 00:44:29.400
Absolutely good fans of therapy.

1013
00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:32.840
But you know, to have an outside person, completely impartial

1014
00:44:32.920 --> 00:44:37.360
but non judgmental, who can hear both perspectives in a

1015
00:44:37.400 --> 00:44:40.039
couple's relationship and offer a different point of view, I

1016
00:44:40.039 --> 00:44:42.719
think that can really help break down some of those

1017
00:44:42.760 --> 00:44:43.679
walls that get built.

1018
00:44:44.079 --> 00:44:46.079
It's just a matter of being able to give each

1019
00:44:46.079 --> 00:44:48.199
other permission that it's okay to seek help around your

1020
00:44:48.199 --> 00:44:50.880
sex life. Doesn't mean that you've failed if you're not

1021
00:44:51.199 --> 00:44:54.719
flying sexually, because I can tell you as a sexologist

1022
00:44:54.719 --> 00:44:57.480
that most people are not, and take that as a

1023
00:44:57.480 --> 00:45:00.920
piece of information to make yourself feel better. That all

1024
00:45:00.960 --> 00:45:02.840
of us are in the same boat or a version

1025
00:45:02.840 --> 00:45:06.519
of the same boat, So don't be shameful that you're

1026
00:45:06.559 --> 00:45:09.199
not getting it right and everyone else is. I think

1027
00:45:09.320 --> 00:45:12.079
there is such strength in being able to say we

1028
00:45:12.119 --> 00:45:14.880
could be doing better, and we do need help, but

1029
00:45:14.960 --> 00:45:17.519
actually recognizing what you want to do in terms of

1030
00:45:17.559 --> 00:45:20.039
doing better. It's not going to go back to when

1031
00:45:20.119 --> 00:45:22.039
you first met and it's the shiny new toy and

1032
00:45:22.039 --> 00:45:24.360
you're ripping each other's clothes off, but looking at the

1033
00:45:24.360 --> 00:45:26.440
benefits of sex and a relationship and what they can

1034
00:45:26.440 --> 00:45:28.440
actually do for you as an individual but a couple,

1035
00:45:29.079 --> 00:45:31.639
working out your realistic goals and then maybe getting some

1036
00:45:31.760 --> 00:45:32.719
help to achieve those.

1037
00:45:33.840 --> 00:45:38.679
Doctor Nicki Goldstein, thank you so much for your wisdom.

1038
00:45:38.760 --> 00:45:40.880
We went a few places I wasn't sure we were

1039
00:45:40.920 --> 00:45:41.320
going to go.

1040
00:45:42.400 --> 00:45:44.760
We can do that on a podcast, but.

1041
00:45:44.719 --> 00:45:46.000
I really really appreciate it.

1042
00:45:46.000 --> 00:45:47.639
There was something there that I think will be really

1043
00:45:47.639 --> 00:45:51.599
helpful for everybody. And I am really thankful to you

1044
00:45:51.679 --> 00:45:54.000
for normalizing a lot of these problems for us and

1045
00:45:54.039 --> 00:45:56.800
to give us some really helpful tips about finding a

1046
00:45:56.840 --> 00:45:57.360
way forward.

1047
00:45:57.840 --> 00:45:59.920
Thank you everybody, good luck.

1048
00:46:05.119 --> 00:46:08.159
Well that was a conversation I was not expecting to have.

1049
00:46:08.480 --> 00:46:10.239
But if you would like to hear more of doctor

1050
00:46:10.320 --> 00:46:12.840
Nicky's advice, she has her own podcast to hear on

1051
00:46:12.880 --> 00:46:16.000
the podcast one Australian network called Sex and Life, and

1052
00:46:16.079 --> 00:46:20.480
her website is doctor Nicki dot com dot au. We

1053
00:46:20.559 --> 00:46:23.000
love hearing from you, so if you love this show,

1054
00:46:23.079 --> 00:46:25.360
please give it a rating and a review on iTunes

1055
00:46:25.440 --> 00:46:27.920
or wherever you get your podcasts, or get in touch

1056
00:46:27.960 --> 00:46:29.719
with me personally hello at.

1057
00:46:29.599 --> 00:46:31.320
Castdone dot com.

1058
00:46:31.360 --> 00:46:33.760
Also, if you're interested in the crap at a Happy book,

1059
00:46:33.760 --> 00:46:36.920
which I've just released, It's available for order and the

1060
00:46:37.000 --> 00:46:39.159
link is in the show notes, or you can come

1061
00:46:39.159 --> 00:46:42.800
to my website cast done dot com. In the next episode,

1062
00:46:42.800 --> 00:46:45.159
I'm talking to Ben Angel, who's a best selling author

1063
00:46:45.159 --> 00:46:48.119
on peak performance, and we talked about how you can

1064
00:46:48.159 --> 00:46:50.000
biohack your way to health.

1065
00:46:53.400 --> 00:46:56.119
Crappy to Happy is presented by cast Done, produced by

1066
00:46:56.199 --> 00:46:59.079
Davis Lenski, Audio production by Darcy Thompson.

1067
00:47:04.280 --> 00:47:04.760
Listener