March 4, 2018

Killer self-confidence - how to be more assertive

Killer self-confidence - how to be more assertive
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Killer self-confidence - how to be more assertive
Killer self-confidence - how to be more assertive
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Season 2 Self-Confidence Personal Growth & Healing

Many people struggle with how to be assertive or hold themselves back in life due to a lack on confidence. In this episode, Cass Dunn explains the difference between interpersonal confidence and ability confidence, while Tiff Hall talks about developing body confidence. Learn the strategies for being more assertive, the importance of learning to say no without guilt, and the most important lesson of all when it comes to being more confident in life.Connect with Cass:
www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com 
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypodwww.tiktok.com/crappytohappypod
Join the free 7-day Happiness Challenge:www.cassdunn.com/happiness

Connect with Cass:

www.cassdunn.com
www.instagram.com/cassdunn_xo

Contact Crappy to Happy:

Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
www.crappytohappypod.com
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod
www.tiktok.com/@crappytohappypod


Are you a coach, therapist, service provider or solopreneur struggling with self-doubt and imposter syndrome? I'd love to talk to you! (for market research purposes only!)

Book a call with me to share your experience.

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Transcript
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A listener production.

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Welcome to Crappy to Happy with Tiff and Casts. Last

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episode we were talking about a digital detox and little

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tips and tools to help you find more balance with

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your devices. Today, we're going to talk about killer self confidence, how.

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To be more confident and assertive.

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This is so Hardcasts, because everyone wants more confidence. Everyone

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wants to raise children who have great self esteem and

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who are confident. But all these words like assertiveness, confidence, resilience,

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mental toughness, they're all sort of mashed together.

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Yeah, and I get confused myself.

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I think when we talk about so when you mentioned

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mental toughness, mental toughness is actually has been a psychological

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construct that has been studied recently.

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You can actually do assessments in it.

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I recently trained in that actually how to assess that

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and develop that. And there are four components of mental toughness,

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not that I want spend a lot of time on this,

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but one of them is confidence. So the others have

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commitment and challenge and things like that. But the confidence

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component is split into interpersonal confidence, which is that assertiveness

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being able to state your needs, to speak up for yourself,

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to make your point, you know, to hold your own

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in a conversation. And the other part is the confidence

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in your abilities.

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And I think that's a.

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Really nice way to define confidence because they do get,

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you know, the difference from so helpful. Yeah, they're diferent

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from resilience, which is how you cope with stress and

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how you come back from setbacks and all of that.

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This is more I think if we keep it to.

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That assertiveness that into personal confidence and the confidence in

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your abilities, it gives us something.

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To great talk about them because we've all met people

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who are overly confident and loud and almost a bit aggressive,

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but they do that because they're sort of insecure or

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they don't have that over compensating Yeah, they don't have

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that confidence in their ability. Yeah, And I think people

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say all the time, I need to develop myself confidence.

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I don't feel very confident, But that can mean different

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things to different people. So I think it's really important

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to be clear about because some people are actually really

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confident in their abilities. There's lots of things that I

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know that I do well and I feel confident in,

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but there can be other situations where that interpersonal confidence,

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like speaking up having a difficult conversation might be challenging

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where and some people might be very comfortable to have

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the conversations and to speak out, but they lack confidence

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in their ability to do something or to perform a

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task or so we can it helps to define what

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we're talking about because people use them interchangeable. People use

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this generic confidence thing, yes, to describe lots of different things.

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So why is it so important to be assertive if

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we're talking about that component of confidence.

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Well, assertiveness is something that comes up all the time.

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I'm going to say particularly with women, because you know me,

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I always say particularly with women. Yes, but women tend

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to have typically traditionally been raised to value being liked

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more than being respected. I'm sure I've said that before

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because it is something that I read once which really

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resonated with me. And so that can tend to hold

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women particularly back. I'm not saying only women, but generally

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women more so can tend to hold them back from

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stating their needs or putting themselves forward, even for you know, promotions,

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or asking for what they need, or pushing back when

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people demand things of their time.

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Or you know, expect things of them.

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I know we talked about this a little bit in

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our busy episode about that ability to say no no,

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And so oftentimes what we hear is people saying, you know,

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somebody talked over the top of me in a meeting,

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or somebody undermined me at work, or somebody said something

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that really offended me, and in that.

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Moment, I just froze.

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In that moment, I didn't know how to stand up

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for myself or how to speak up for myself. So

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people really feel that they're almost disrespecting themselves by not

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standing up for themselves and speaking up for them since that's.

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Come from language, Cass.

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The one thing I hate is when you use the

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word just and I don't know, I don't often hear

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men use it as much as women. Just, but I

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say I'm just a mom or I'm just a personal trainer,

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when the reality is being a mom's so hard and awesome,

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and I'm not just personal trainer, run a business. But

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I sometimes diminish that. Yeah, and the word just creeps in.

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The word just is.

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One that we do tend to use a lot, which

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does diminish what we do. The other little turns of

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phrase that people use are things like, it would be

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really great if you wouldn't mind, just if you have time, you.

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Know, rather than just stating I need you to do

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this by this time.

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People love direction too.

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That's usually hard for people hearing oh if you have time,

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maybe kuja wouja.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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People like to know where they stand, and we forget

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that because we think that we're I think the thing

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with assertiveness is that we okay, here's the thing with

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assertiveness is that we are fearful of conflict. We've established

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that well, many of us are concerned about conflict and

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difficult conversations, for offending people or upsetting people because we

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want people to like us, and we want to be

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polite because that's how we've been raised, you know, to

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be nice and keep the peace and all of those

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things which can then end up becoming a problem because

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we don't assert our own needs. And at one extreme

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I always use this example. I learned this a long

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time ago. At one extreme, there's aggressiveness, which is really

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having your wants, opinions, needs, preferences overwriting other people's, pushing

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your needs onto somebody else. We've all had the aggressive

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boss or the aggressive We might not use the word

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aggressive for the domineering kind of friend or the person

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whose demands supersede everybody else. It's their preference is superseded, butody's.

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And at the other end of the extreme there's passive,

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which is just allowing everybody else to completely dominate you

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and your needs and subjugating your own needs for the

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sake of other people's. And this assertiveness is in the middle.

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But sometimes people mix up. They think that by being

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assertive they're being aggressive. They feel like they're being aggressive

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when they're in fact just being assertive. And so the

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place of assertiveness in the middle is where you are

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able to or what you try to trying to do,

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is to on the one hand, value and respect and

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hold your needs, preferences, wants, desires, but equally hold the

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other person's needs preferences, wants, desires, and come up with

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something that is, you know, that respects both this is

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what I need, I understand, this is what you need,

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or this is what this is where you're at.

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I understand, but this is where I'm at. So it's not.

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Diminishing your own needs, but it's also not subjugating your

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own needs. Yes, So it's that finding that balance in

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the middle.

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When you're doing that, how do you stop yourself from

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always apologizing, I'm.

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Sorry, I can't do this because you know you told

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me a long time ago.

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Sometimes just saying no is a full sentence, is a

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full sentence. But there is this apologizing thing that stops

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us from being assertive, isn't there.

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People who lack that self confidence, of that interpersonal confidence

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do tend to apologize a lot. In fact, people who

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are very lacking in confidence tend to apologize for existing.

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Have you met I know people like that. They're sorry

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for everything. Every thing is sorry, and they're you know,

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and the people that I know, they're very aware of it,

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and it's very habitual for them. It's the way they've

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been raised, actually, I think, to have their needs suppressed

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or subjectether. They constantly have been made to feel, perhaps

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in the past, that they're imposing or that they're a problem,

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and so they're always on the front foot apologizing before

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they've even said what they want to say. In fact,

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I've known people who, you know, when I've been running late,

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so I'm a psychologist, and if I've been running late

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and I come out and say I'm sorry for keeping

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you waiting, and they say, no, I'm sorry.

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There's literally there is nothing for them to be sorry for.

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But it's this so automatic, thisapologizing. So that's something that

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people can work on.

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Breaking catch yourself.

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You could catch yourself, but it.

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Does come back to a lack of self confidence and

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a lack of belief in your own self and your

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own self worth. So and that you know, that's something

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that needs to be cultivated if that's a problem.

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Talking about confidence, A little bit of a knock to

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my confidence was after I had Arnold and my body

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changed so dramatically.

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Yeah, and all of a sudden, my confidence was a.

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Little bit shot because I looked different and the body

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image stuff I guess I want to talk about. And

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a way that I did get through that was thinking, hmm,

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am I less of a trainer or an expert. If

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I'm in a different body, like, it doesn't change my

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ability at all. I just feel less confident. So I

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was having to really rely on my qualifications, what I know,

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how good I am, my years of experience in this

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field to.

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Up my confidence.

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And then I knew slowly but surely I would get

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back to my strong, fit body.

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But it was hard at the time.

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And body confidence is something that a lot of people

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struggle with and we see many women struggle.

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With that in our community.

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Yeah, body confidence is a big one for a lot

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of people.

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For sure.

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A lot of people think body confidence is being in

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bikini at the beach, But that's not it.

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That's not real.

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How often are we at the beach or even showing

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our stomachs. That's not body confidence for us. We find

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that it manifesting our community in terms of not wanting

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to wear shorts. And I know it was months after

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I had Arnold's and it was summer until I could

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wear shorts and feel.

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Comfy in them.

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Having your picture taken, having photos taken with your kids,

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going swimming, going to swimming lessons with your kids where

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you have to get involved in the water. All of

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this it affects us if we're not confident in our

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own skin. I found that I had to sit back

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and really accept where I'm at. I've had a baby,

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love him, I've done a great thing, got more jiggle,

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I've put on weight.

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I accept where I'm at right now. I'm contacted all the.

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Time by members who are having fantastic results and they're

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feeling really good about themselves. Say they're fitting into a

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dress that they wore years ago. Finally they're back in

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that dress and then they go out and one member,

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for example, said she went out rocking this red dress

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and someone said, oh, so you're going to start working

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on your arms next, and she was like, oh, I hadn't.

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Oh I didn't think moms were a problem. So then

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her confidence it's shot. It's absolutely shot, and it's really

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hard to bounce back from that. So it can really

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manifest in many different ways, from body confidence to being assertive,

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to saying no to creating boundaries. There are a lot

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of ways that you have to work on. This big

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umbrella term confidence and.

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Confidence in your abilities too. That comes up.

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We see it in again in the community and the

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online community with people applying for jobs and feeling like

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they're not qualified speaking or public speak, or quitting jobs

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and being afraid that they'll not get another job again.

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So that confidence in your ability to do and to

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achieve and to progress in.

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Life and even financial as well, having the confidence to

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put aside money that you know you're going to invest

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in something or taking out, you know, going into debt

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for something that you know you're going to be able

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to make those repayments. Like we see that as well

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in the community, financial, emotional, body, confidence.

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All of it.

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We've all had moments where we've felt less confident or

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a little bit vulnerable. How can a lack of confidence

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impact our lives?

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What it does is it actually limits your ability to

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live life. For many people, it gets to a point

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where that lack of confidence and that unwillingness to put

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yourself out there and to take risks can really hold

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you back, not just from, for example, opportunities to make

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progress in your career, but even going out and exploring

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the world or having experiences. We've all heard stories of

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people who've always wanted to do something. I had a

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client actually who overcome all of her fear and went

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and swam with the whale sharks.

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It was huge for her, but.

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It required a lot of confidence building to that step.

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And you know, people who travel overseas for the first time,

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a lot of people who don't have the confidence, who

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don't have that confidence in their intrinsic ability to cope

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and to deal with challenges, they hold themselves back from

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all sorts of potentially rewarding and fulfilling experiences and in relationships.

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You know, we did a whole episode on the importance

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of positive relationships and that lack of confidence to assert

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yourself and to state your needs can end up destroying relationships.

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If you allow things to fizzle out because you're avoiding

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having a tough conversation, then.

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You know, that's it.

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We've already established how big a problem that can be.

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So yeah, that lack of confidence, and I keep using

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the words, but that it holds you.

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Back in many, many different ways.

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You know when people lack confidence as well, they find

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it difficult. This is something we notice all the time,

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really tough to accept compliments.

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Ah yes, and not that that's.

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A big problem, but it just speaks to how you

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know that how we tend. People tend to hide themselves away,

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They play small there's a good saying. People tend to

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play a lot smaller game in life, and at some

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point that catches up. And I think people can can

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get to a point in life where they have a

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lot of regrets about.

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The things they haven't done. And isn't that a truism?

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You regret the things in life that you don't do,

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not the things that you do do. And what holds

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us back from not doing things? It's that lack of

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self confidence. A lot of the time that unwillingness to

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take some risks in life and put yourself out there,

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or have a tough conversation, or you know, to.

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Do whatever is going to move you forward. Yeah.

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Yeah, and at the end of the day you look

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back and you realize, you know, opportunity is wasted and

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opportunities missed, and so cultivating some confidence and some willingness.

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To and taking a compliment.

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You know, you're looking great.

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Today, say thanks.

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That's one that we really get people to work on.

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And that's a massive we talk about. You know, we've

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talked about the non scale victories that people achieve in

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the TVXO program, and.

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One big one that people says, I took a compliment

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like I did. I didn't diminish it. I didn't say,

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oh no, don't be silly, oh this old thing.

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Yeah, I'm just wearing something flattering today.

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No, I got up at five every day, I didn't

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work out. I'm a good girl.

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Confidence is so important in every area of our lives.

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So we're going to take a quick break and come

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back with some tools and tips to help you build

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that confidence and be more assertive. Welcome back to Crappy

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to happy with Tiff and Cass. We're talking about confidence.

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It really is a word that's thrown around with building

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our resilient, confident, assertive children and wanting to build confidence

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every day.

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But cast some of us, we just don't know where

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to start.

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You know, it comes up an awful lot, doesn't it.

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I think that the key thing to remember first of

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all with confidence is that what holds us back from

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taking risks in life is a fear, and often we

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mistakenly believe that we need to overcome the fear before

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we can do the thing. And the key with confidence

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is that you overcome the fear by doing the thing.

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Oh so people don't like to hear that, but that

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fundamentally we build confidence by building our experience, by building

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our evidence space that we can do something and having

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that very direct feedback. So that doesn't mean that you

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go out and you take the biggest risk in the world,

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but it does mean that you have to start pushing

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you boundaries a little bit and taking some risks and

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doing some things.

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So we talk about, you know, if I want to have.

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A relationship, I might be afraid to approach somebody I

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want to have a relationship with, and my fear gets

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in the way of having that conversation because I like confidence,

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and so therefore I actually deny myself the opportunity of

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having a relationship because I let the figure it in

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the way. What we have to do is to learn

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to accept that sometimes doing the important things in life

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will be scary, and the more important they are, the

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more scary they are, and that we actually have to

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learn to take on board some of that fear and

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that anxiety, except that it's not going anywhere, and almost

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embrace it, almost do that thing where we see it

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as a challenge response, not a threat response. And then

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and then, you know, take some steps to reduce the anxiety,

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manage the anxiety, not make it disappear, and then do

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the thing.

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That is important to us, something that I encourage our

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members to do. They have their eating plan on Tiffects,

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but some of my members who are serial dieters, always

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on a diet, I make them implement coffee and cake

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twice a week where they go out for a coffee

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and cake. They're like, how come I'm having coffee and cake?

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But it's part of that confidence in that you're having

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a treat. It's not a binge. It's not overeating, it's

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no emotional eating. It's worked in and you can sit there,

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have that it's worked into the plan and feel that

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confidence of having a treat and leaving it there.

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And not being completely derailed.

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Again. Yes, yes, so I find that really works with

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them in having confidence to have balanced, moderate, flexible eating

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that isn't diet and restricted. Yeah.

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I think that's the biggest misconception about confidence. I wish

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I could be more confident so that I could do

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this thing. I wish I could have the confidence to

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go and do that thing, or approach that goal, or

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take that risk. And the thing is that the confidence

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comes from doing the thing. We have to tolerate the

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anxiety and then take the step, and then by doing

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it you get a little bit of positive feedback. I

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did that thing, I can feel got to can celebrate

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that success, and then I can be confident to know

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that I can take the next So much do something,

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people don't like to hear it when you say we.

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Go do it.

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It's not like cure the anxiety or take the fear.

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It removes the fear. It's feel the fear and do it. Anyway.

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Is very much about how you build confident Okay, I think.

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Sometimes when it comes to kind of pumping yourself up.

377
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Yeah, I wanted to ask you about affirmations and like

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fist pumping and all of that.

379
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Yes, so I woke.

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Look, sometimes people like to do affirmations and that makes

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them feel good. I always say, well, if you're going

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to fill your head with a lot of negative self talk,

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which we often do all day, we fill our minds

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with all the things we're not doing well, then it

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can't hurt to replace some of that self talk with

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some positive and because the fact of the matter is,

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as we know, our little minds churning out thoughts all

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day anyway, so we might as well pump in some

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positive ones. But I think what has been proven is

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in terms of the research, is to validate your strengths,

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like the things that you know to be true. Sometimes

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people feel like mantras and affirmations are a bit empty,

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and their mind can kind of rebel against them. If

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I walk around saying I'm a strong confident person, there's

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another part of me going, you're kidding yourself.

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Yeah, sometimes I can get it away.

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But if I affirm to myself that I you know

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that I've achieved things in the past, or that you know,

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the things that I know to be true, or that

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I have overcome challenges in the past, and I can

401
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remember those things and that's that is true, and I

402
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can know that to be true. Then sometimes those things

403
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are more powerful or more effective.

404
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So it's an individual thing.

405
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But you know, particularly reminding with kids like going into

406
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exams if they're fearful, not feeling very confident about their performance,

407
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then doing little exercises like that and getting them to

408
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remind themselves of their strengths and the things they've done

409
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well in the past, and you know, using that sort

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of positive self talk has been proven to improve their results,

411
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build their confidence to get better results and better outcomes. Interestingly,

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research has also shown that those results actually filter upwards

413
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to everybody in their classroom, not just the kids doing

414
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the confidence building and doing the positive self talk, but

415
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their own increased self confidence actually filters out so that

416
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everybody around them also achieves a higher level of self

417
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confidence and self wall. It's amazing that ripple effect, that

418
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social and emotional contagion. Yes, yes, so that's just interesting aside,

419
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but that affirming your values as well. So if I

420
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can tap into the things that I know are important

421
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to me and the ways that I have acted in

422
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line with my values. It's almost like remembering I'm a

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quality human being. That can be something that builds up

424
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a sense of confidence. Knowing what your strengths are, knowing

425
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what your values are, and just reminding yourself of those

426
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things can give you that little bit of a boost

427
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to take a risk that you might not otherwise take.

428
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Something I struggle with is saying no, Cass, And you've

429
00:21:59.519 --> 00:22:02.839
been You've been coaching me on this yes for the

430
00:22:02.920 --> 00:22:05.160
longest time on how to say no. But I know

431
00:22:05.240 --> 00:22:09.200
you see emails going back and forth, and I'm always like, yes, yes,

432
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I can do that.

433
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And I love helping people.

434
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So anywhere I go, a stranger will come up on

435
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the street and ask me weight loss advice, and I

436
00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:20.759
will give all them fifteen minutes, even though I've got

437
00:22:20.839 --> 00:22:22.799
baby in the prem I've got somewhere else to be.

438
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Or I will get emailed by relatives and cousins for

439
00:22:27.640 --> 00:22:31.799
advice or a training program, or I say yes to

440
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every single opportunity that comes my way, or I'll do

441
00:22:35.680 --> 00:22:40.799
appearances and talks for free, and I'm just always giving, giving, giving,

442
00:22:40.960 --> 00:22:43.039
and I can't say no, and I always feel so

443
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bad if I say no, even if it's completely justified

444
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in that I can't logistically be there because I have

445
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a baby and a business. But I always feel bad.

446
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So I know I need to up my assertive muscle.

447
00:22:56.480 --> 00:22:57.559
Yeah, I have.

448
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I've had clients like that in the past, and when

449
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a lot if people have trouble saying no, and I

450
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always say, you know what, tolerate the guilt. Learn to

451
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tolerate the guilt and say no. Anyway, I think that

452
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the important thing is you have to have your absolute

453
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yes list. And I read a really great book called Essentialism,

454
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which I talk about all the time, which was a

455
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guy by called Greg McEwan wrote this book and it

456
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was about work stuff, and he was saying, decide what

457
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you are really naturally good at, what makes you really happy?

458
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What is like where should your energy be invested for

459
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:39.319
your best use of you know, your time and your

460
00:23:39.359 --> 00:23:42.480
resources and your skills, and for you and for any

461
00:23:42.519 --> 00:23:44.519
of us with a business, you've got to include in

462
00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:48.000
there what makes money, like what brings in some income,

463
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because there's a lot of non revenue generating things that

464
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you and I both do.

465
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Because training people on the street for free that I

466
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don't know is probably not going to move me forward.

467
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It's not valuing it's not valuing you on your skills,

468
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and at the end of the day, they're not really

469
00:24:00.039 --> 00:24:01.000
what are they going to get out of that?

470
00:24:01.079 --> 00:24:02.680
Yeah, are they going to do it? I know then,

471
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of course.

472
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But when you know what is absolutely on your yes list,

473
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it makes it much easier to know what to say

474
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no to you, and we all need to practice saying

475
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no without apology, or saying no without guilt. I should say,

476
00:24:16.079 --> 00:24:19.960
you know, just being able to say I'm sorry. I

477
00:24:19.960 --> 00:24:21.920
don't have time for that. The other thing I think

478
00:24:21.960 --> 00:24:24.079
is really important, especially if youre a person who feels

479
00:24:24.079 --> 00:24:27.000
put on the spot and automatically says, oh, you know, sure, yes, I.

480
00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:27.359
Can do that.

481
00:24:27.400 --> 00:24:29.279
I think you're one of those yes I am then

482
00:24:29.759 --> 00:24:34.200
by time, okay, by time, always say oh, that sounds great,

483
00:24:34.359 --> 00:24:36.480
Just I'll need to check my diary or I'll need

484
00:24:36.519 --> 00:24:38.960
to check with my husband. I always do that if

485
00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:41.039
people ask me, even if it's a social thing and

486
00:24:41.079 --> 00:24:43.359
I'm not entirely sure at the time I'm going to

487
00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:46.480
want to do that thing, I'll say, just let me

488
00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:49.720
talk to mail my husband because you know he travels

489
00:24:49.759 --> 00:24:51.640
a lot, or you know, I'll just need to check

490
00:24:51.720 --> 00:24:54.599
my diary. I always buy time and then I can

491
00:24:54.640 --> 00:24:57.279
go away and really think about how I feel about

492
00:24:57.319 --> 00:24:59.960
doing that thing. And I think that's what you need

493
00:25:00.119 --> 00:25:04.240
to do, too, is to not automatically be a yes, yes,

494
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:05.000
yes person.

495
00:25:05.359 --> 00:25:07.200
So then when you say no, cast you have to

496
00:25:07.240 --> 00:25:08.119
say why are you saying no?

497
00:25:08.559 --> 00:25:11.000
I can't I'm sorry, I can't take that on right now.

498
00:25:11.039 --> 00:25:11.519
I'm sorry.

499
00:25:11.559 --> 00:25:14.359
I don't have the time for that. I'm sorry, I

500
00:25:14.359 --> 00:25:16.440
won't be able to do that. Okay, I'm sorry that's

501
00:25:16.440 --> 00:25:18.920
not going to work. Thank you for thinking of me.

502
00:25:19.240 --> 00:25:21.599
That's not going to work. Thanks for the opportunity. I

503
00:25:21.640 --> 00:25:23.680
can't fit that in right now. I just can't take

504
00:25:23.680 --> 00:25:26.279
that on at the moment. And so you know, you

505
00:25:26.359 --> 00:25:29.720
don't have to go into long convoluted explanations about why

506
00:25:29.720 --> 00:25:30.880
I've got this and I've got that and I've got

507
00:25:30.920 --> 00:25:33.039
this appointment. I would do it except I've got that thing.

508
00:25:33.559 --> 00:25:35.920
You don't have to do that. And I think that's

509
00:25:35.960 --> 00:25:39.119
the other thing. We tend to want to justify no, and.

510
00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:40.359
You can't handle that guilt.

511
00:25:40.440 --> 00:25:43.240
It's the guilt, yes, tolerate the guilt, take the breath

512
00:25:43.839 --> 00:25:46.799
and just say I'm sorry. That's not going to work.

513
00:25:47.920 --> 00:25:50.079
And I think that's an important skill to practice. And

514
00:25:50.400 --> 00:25:52.920
all of these things are behaviors that actually need to

515
00:25:52.920 --> 00:25:56.279
be practiced. They don't come naturally and automatically, especially if

516
00:25:56.319 --> 00:25:58.839
you've habitually done something different.

517
00:25:59.240 --> 00:26:01.759
And so that's the thing. It's not going to feel comfortable.

518
00:26:01.839 --> 00:26:03.920
This is the confidence thing. It's not going to feel.

519
00:26:03.720 --> 00:26:06.440
Comfortable until you actually practice it a few times and

520
00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:09.400
you start to build that evidence that oh, they weren't

521
00:26:09.480 --> 00:26:13.119
actually completely insulted and offended and there was no really

522
00:26:13.279 --> 00:26:16.839
bad negative repercussions to that, and I feel so much better.

523
00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:18.759
And then that gives you that.

524
00:26:18.759 --> 00:26:22.119
People moved around it or they just people will all

525
00:26:22.279 --> 00:26:23.319
or were just like oh yeah.

526
00:26:23.599 --> 00:26:28.079
And people appreciate knowing your boundaries. They people actually appreciate

527
00:26:28.079 --> 00:26:30.359
you doing people a favor. I say that all the time,

528
00:26:30.359 --> 00:26:32.400
you're doing people a favor by stating your boundaries.

529
00:26:32.640 --> 00:26:35.039
So how do you come across as not being like

530
00:26:35.400 --> 00:26:37.519
difficult or aggressive.

531
00:26:37.200 --> 00:26:42.640
Or well, that's that assertiveness thing where you can I

532
00:26:42.640 --> 00:26:46.759
think fundamentally it's about our fear of conflict is about

533
00:26:46.799 --> 00:26:49.799
we're other being too pushy or somebody where we feel

534
00:26:49.880 --> 00:26:50.960
upset because somebody.

535
00:26:50.799 --> 00:26:53.039
Is railroading us. So if you can come.

536
00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:57.720
Back to I'm not out to you know, hurt anybody

537
00:26:57.839 --> 00:27:00.480
or make anybody else's life difficult, but if I can

538
00:27:00.519 --> 00:27:03.240
also remember that other people aren't apt to make my

539
00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:06.400
life difficult either, Like generally people act with a positive intention.

540
00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:09.880
They'll ask you for something or you know, but if

541
00:27:09.920 --> 00:27:13.319
you can remember that, Okay, I understand what your need is,

542
00:27:13.359 --> 00:27:14.839
and I understand what my need is, and I can

543
00:27:14.880 --> 00:27:15.960
appreciate that is there a.

544
00:27:15.960 --> 00:27:18.119
Way I could do this, but I'm not going to

545
00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:18.880
be able to do that.

546
00:27:19.039 --> 00:27:21.599
If you can't come up with a comp compromising then

547
00:27:21.839 --> 00:27:24.440
just it's well, this isn't going to work. And that's

548
00:27:24.480 --> 00:27:28.039
not rude and it's not difficult. It's just that I

549
00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:29.640
get where you're at, but this is where I'm at,

550
00:27:29.720 --> 00:27:31.880
and your needs aren't greater than mine, and equally, mine

551
00:27:31.880 --> 00:27:32.759
aren't greater than yours.

552
00:27:32.920 --> 00:27:34.319
I think if you can come back to.

553
00:27:34.279 --> 00:27:37.920
That as often as possible, that you're not diminishing somebody

554
00:27:37.960 --> 00:27:40.799
else's needs, but equally you don't want to be diminishing

555
00:27:41.079 --> 00:27:41.599
your own.

556
00:27:42.279 --> 00:27:43.240
That's really helpful.

557
00:27:43.319 --> 00:27:46.359
Cas and I really love when talking about essentialism.

558
00:27:46.960 --> 00:27:48.759
I'm still doing your not to do list.

559
00:27:48.920 --> 00:27:49.200
Good.

560
00:27:49.480 --> 00:27:51.079
Yeah, good. That is so helpful.

561
00:27:51.119 --> 00:27:53.240
And you can go back to the series one of

562
00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:54.920
Crappy to're happy to listen in to the.

563
00:27:54.880 --> 00:27:56.559
Busy Sea, the busy episode.

564
00:27:57.279 --> 00:27:59.160
I think sometimes too, it helps people to have a

565
00:27:59.160 --> 00:28:02.640
bit of a script, to practice certain phrases. If you

566
00:28:02.799 --> 00:28:06.559
know that you are you have difficulty saying no, for example,

567
00:28:06.640 --> 00:28:08.640
or you have difficulty if there's a conversation you want

568
00:28:08.680 --> 00:28:11.119
to have with your boss or your husband or anybody

569
00:28:11.480 --> 00:28:14.319
and you feel not very confident, sometimes sitting down and

570
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:17.160
writing down and practicing just saying that phrase and having

571
00:28:17.160 --> 00:28:21.599
these phrases that you can trot out when you know

572
00:28:21.720 --> 00:28:24.799
that otherwise, because when we're anxious, we don't think very clearly.

573
00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:27.400
The front, the thinking rational part of our brain kind

574
00:28:27.400 --> 00:28:30.200
of goes off lines yes, the fight, when the fight

575
00:28:30.319 --> 00:28:34.200
orf flight thing goes off, we lose capacity to think clearly.

576
00:28:34.640 --> 00:28:39.119
So that's where practiced phrases yes can help because we

577
00:28:39.200 --> 00:28:41.400
just go to our practiced phrase.

578
00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:42.039
Have a script.

579
00:28:42.160 --> 00:28:43.039
That's really helpful.

580
00:28:43.200 --> 00:28:45.440
Yeah, And when asking for things, you know there's a

581
00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:49.480
certain I actually there's a little technique where you can say, Okay, well,

582
00:28:50.119 --> 00:28:52.240
here's the situation. This is how I feel about it,

583
00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:53.799
This is what I need, and this is what I

584
00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:55.880
think the positive outcome will be for all of us.

585
00:28:56.559 --> 00:28:59.000
So if you can touch off those points, it's a

586
00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:02.680
really nice way. You a little formula. Oh so this

587
00:29:02.759 --> 00:29:04.839
is the situation. So this is what's happening at the moment,

588
00:29:04.839 --> 00:29:05.519
this is how I'm.

589
00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:07.839
Feeling about that. What I would really like is this,

590
00:29:07.960 --> 00:29:09.920
and this is how I see that will be of benefit.

591
00:29:10.200 --> 00:29:11.880
It's nice, that's lovely.

592
00:29:12.240 --> 00:29:14.200
Yeah, neat, I'm going to use that.

593
00:29:15.319 --> 00:29:17.000
So there's lots of little things that you can do

594
00:29:17.079 --> 00:29:20.119
like that, and then with practice it becomes easier. But

595
00:29:20.160 --> 00:29:23.519
it doesn't become easier until you actually practice.

596
00:29:23.160 --> 00:29:24.240
Put it into practice.

597
00:29:24.599 --> 00:29:26.240
So confidence is a practice.

598
00:29:26.359 --> 00:29:29.119
It is takes the doing. It's not you can't think

599
00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:31.079
your way out of into confidence.

600
00:29:31.119 --> 00:29:32.039
You have to do your way.

601
00:29:32.359 --> 00:29:35.079
Yeah, And we often think of confidence as something as

602
00:29:35.079 --> 00:29:38.400
you're just born with or something that you have to

603
00:29:38.759 --> 00:29:41.519
because a lot of people are shocked when I tell

604
00:29:41.559 --> 00:29:44.559
them that I was a very shy child. And when

605
00:29:44.640 --> 00:29:47.839
we would go to a restaurant or we will go out,

606
00:29:47.880 --> 00:29:49.920
I would always get my sister to order for me.

607
00:29:50.119 --> 00:29:52.359
If we're with mum, and dad or she would go

608
00:29:52.400 --> 00:29:54.240
and get me a straw, or I.

609
00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:57.799
Would never ask. And and also at school.

610
00:29:58.319 --> 00:30:00.759
I got the Beacon Award because I would always blush.

611
00:30:00.839 --> 00:30:03.720
I was so shy I couldn't ask a question. So

612
00:30:03.759 --> 00:30:06.039
it is something that I've had to work on being

613
00:30:06.079 --> 00:30:09.599
confident using my voice. And the last bit of the

614
00:30:09.599 --> 00:30:12.400
puzzle is to nail this assertiveness and to learn how

615
00:30:12.400 --> 00:30:15.640
to say no yeah, because it is having a negative

616
00:30:15.640 --> 00:30:18.480
effect on my health. I get run down, I get sick,

617
00:30:18.559 --> 00:30:20.920
I have no time. Self care goes out the window.

618
00:30:21.359 --> 00:30:24.240
You'll get resentful of people and that's not in your nature.

619
00:30:24.359 --> 00:30:28.359
So yeah, you've got to start to protect your energy

620
00:30:28.440 --> 00:30:30.519
and protect your boundaries self care, isn't it.

621
00:30:30.599 --> 00:30:31.160
Definitely?

622
00:30:31.720 --> 00:30:35.240
So many fantastic tips and tools there to build your confidence.

623
00:30:35.559 --> 00:30:37.680
Next episode on Crappy to Happy, we're going to be

624
00:30:37.720 --> 00:30:39.480
talking about aging gracefully.

625
00:30:39.680 --> 00:30:40.519
We'll speak to you then.

626
00:30:46.759 --> 00:30:49.480
Crappy to Happy is presented by Cast Done produced by

627
00:30:49.559 --> 00:30:58.119
Davids Velenski, Audio production by Darcy Thompson. Listener