March 4, 2018

Life after a baby

Life after a baby
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Life after a baby
Life after a baby
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Season 2 Women's Health And Wellbeing

Having a baby is the greatest joy but also one of the greatest challenges many women will ever experience. In this episode Tiff talks about the pressure to bounce back to her pre-baby body and the challenges of being a working mum in the media with all the intense scrutiny that entails. Cass is a specialist in perinatal mental health and shares the risk factors for PND, self-care tips and the importance of asking for help. Both Tiff and Cass open up about their struggles with becoming a mum. Have the tissues handy for this one!If you're a new mum (or pregnant) and are having a hard time, there are lots of resources available. Please see your GP or check out Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia (PANDA) at https://www.panda.org.au/
Connect with Cass:
www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com 
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypodwww.tiktok.com/crappytohappypod
Join the free 7-day Happiness Challenge:www.cassdunn.com/happiness

Connect with Cass:

www.cassdunn.com
www.instagram.com/cassdunn_xo

Contact Crappy to Happy:

Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
www.crappytohappypod.com
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod
www.tiktok.com/@crappytohappypod


Are you a coach, therapist, service provider or solopreneur struggling with self-doubt and imposter syndrome? I'd love to talk to you! (for market research purposes only!)

Book a call with me to share your experience.

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Transcript
WEBVTT

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A listener Production.

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Tiff and Cass. Here you're listening to Crappy Tore Happy

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and if you love the episodes, then get in touch,

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give us a raining, give us a review. We absolutely

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love hearing from you.

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We genuinely do. We love your feedback and the show

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is for you. So tell us what you think.

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We can't wait to hear from you. Now on with

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the show. Last episode, we're talking about changing habits and

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the motivation myth. Today we're going to chat about life

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after a baby.

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So much happens, So much has happened since our last

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season of Crappy to Habit tiv it sure has. You

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were sitting next to me, very pregnant.

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As pregnant as you get.

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And now, of course you've had your lovely Arnold.

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Yes, five months ago, five months exactly five months ago.

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He's a healthy, bouncing, little gorgeousus boy.

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And I think this is You've received so much attention

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in the media, haven't you, since having Arnold and since

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putting yourself out there your post baby body. And I

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think that this is a great topic.

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Yeah, I think it's really important. Look, let's go back

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to the beginning. I had Arnold after a tough pregnancy,

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very tough, very tough, good delivery. Baby came along. I

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was in the hospital and I took a picture of

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me holding my newborn, my little baby, and I was

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so proud of him in his little knitted booties that

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his mother, his grandmother had made for him, and he

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was so beautiful. I took that picture and put it

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up on Instagram, expecting all the comments to be about

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my beautiful son. But all the comments were about my body,

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and I didn't think about it in the moment. I

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was wearing a breastfeeding singlet that hugged my stomach, which

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was very swollen from my uterus was still swollen. It

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was five days, wasn't five days postpartum, so I still

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looked very pregnant, probably about seven months pregnant. I had

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put on thirty kilos. I was sleep deprived, I was tired.

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I had had an episiotomy, all those things that happened

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to you. My milk hadn't come in, you know, very normal,

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very normal, hectic time, and your partners there as well,

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and it was you know, your world is just shattered

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in such a beautiful way. And when all the comments

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came out about my body, Oh good on you for

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showing your tummy being as big as it is and

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looking pregnant postpartum. I thought, why would I Why wouldn't

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I look pregnant? This is a postpart and body. I

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can't bounce back in five days. And I had seen

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a lot of images in the media of women putting

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out I think, negligent images of themselves weeks later after

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having a baby having bounced back. And sure, some women can.

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Some women don't put on a lot of weight during

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their pregnancy, or their muscles bounce back, or you know,

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they don't have complicated deliveries or whatever. But I found

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that quite damaging putting out those images, and so I

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did put out a real look and post part and body.

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Didn't think about it, And once those comments came flooding

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in about how good it was to see a real

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post part and body, I continued to do it.

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Yeah, and it really The feedback was phenomenal. That went yeah, gangbusters,

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didn't it. It wasn't something that I did on purpose,

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on purpose, or it wasn't something I did for publicity

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or profile or any of that.

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I just had a baby. I was raw, I was vulnerable,

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and I put out the image the first image to

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show my friends and family on social media. I had

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a son and I wasn't looking glamorous or anything.

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I think it just highlighted how much we and women

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just appreciated that because we've all had the same experience

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of seeing those bounce back photos and those culture but

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abs and it makes everybody who has a very normal

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post part and body.

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Which is all of us, yeah, exactly, and and it

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like crap. It makes you feel crappy because as a

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trainer also, I know how to change people's bodies, and

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I know the time and the effort it takes. So

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seeing bounce back photos, I know it means hours in

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the gym, which sacrifices magical time in the newborn bubble

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with your newborn. It also means creating a deficiency with

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your calorine take, so you have to cut calories. And

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I was breastfeeding, so I wanted to protect my milk supply.

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You can't diet, it does affect your milk supply, and

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so I was very protective over being a good mum,

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getting to know my baby, protecting my milk supply and

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my boobs, looking after my own mental health, the mental

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health of my partner, who was also really wow, this

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is full on, isn't it, and you're yeah, and you're

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under sleep deprivation. I went back to work very early on,

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like maybe ten days later, working from home. There was

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a lot going on. So I put those photos out

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because I thought, I'm not going to be able to

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bounce back here. I'm not going to sacrifice that time.

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I want to be a good mother. And also I

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was rebelling against media that had asked me and money

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involved to post pictures of my body and to bounce

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back photos and stories before my six week check with

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the obstetricians. So they were expecting me to hit the gym,

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to diet, to deprive, to have time away from my

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baby before it was even safely, before I had the

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safe go ahead from my obstetrician to even be exercising.

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And we all know women that you can't do anything

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other than maybe some light walking before six weeks before

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the doctor checks you out and says okay, and it's

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very dangerous. And I have seen celebrities exercising before the

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six week check and I just was so angry about that.

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So I did nothing, and I just did some light

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walking with Arnold in fresh air and nature when I could,

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But I was really determined not to bounce back and

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to show my body as it is and on my

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program to effects. I've got many mothers, and I felt

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a responsibility.

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Might I say even more now having seen that, because

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women now feel that they can relate to you where

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they can't necess couldn't necessarily relate to some other trainers

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who had those higher expectations and those bounce back bodies.

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It just makes and there are a lot of factors,

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like you know, And I can't say that I haven't

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had moments where I've been in the corner crying, hating

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my body and being frustrated with my body and feeling

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pressure from the media and being the leader of a

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fitness community and looking at myself in the mirror and going,

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you don't look like a fit trainer. You don't know,

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you don't look like you know what you're doing. And

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there's been those moments and those dark moments where I've

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had to search and go, hey, priorities, self care, your son,

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and yeah, it's frustrating when you don't lose weight fast,

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or you can't exercise, or the baby stops you from

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getting out of the house to physically be able to

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do it. But you have to make do with what

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you can, and you have to be gentle with yourself

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and that self compassion and you've got to look at

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that baby's face and go Feeding you is my priority,

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and getting to know you and working you out is

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my priority, and looking after this family because you cannot.

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You cannot, you know, put your body and your six

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pack before being a good mum and looking after that child,

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you know, absolutely, So it was it was very tough, tough.

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It was very tough for me to be back on

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camera in a way because because I do work in

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the media and my business is an online platform. So

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in order to promote that business, I have to exist

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on it Instagram and Facebook and put images of myself

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out and videos and content every day. And it was difficult,

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I have to say, to get back on camera when

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I didn't feel like myself, you know, big, big and

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gorge boobs, and I had giggly bits and more stretch

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marks and cellulite, and I was unfit. I couldn't get

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through a TIFXO workout, and it was I felt incredibly

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raw and vulnerable. But I knew that no woman starts

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out after having a baby completely fit and conditioned and lean.

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You know, it's a journey back. And I wanted to

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start exercising and I did, showing my members doing the

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TIFXO workouts in a crop top with you know, a

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body that was thirty kilos heavier than when I started

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out with the business. And to be honest, cas, when

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I had this baby and I felt pregnant, I was

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very worried about the business. I thought this could be

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the end of my business. And I wanted children, I

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really did, and I thought, I've got to have this baby,

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and I was so excited and I don't want to

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get teary, but I was nervous that people would like

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leave and the business would fall apart. And it was

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so beautiful that women identified with me and that it

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has helped women. And the best thing I could have

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done is have that baby.

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Yeah, and you never expected to get as sick as

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you did, like nobody does.

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No, no, would never have helt you. And since having Arnold,

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it seems that it's been one thing after another. Yes,

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in terms of broken your ankle, I've broken my ankle.

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I had some issues with my hormones breastfeeding, so I

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had to do some hormone stuff, and you know, it's

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never smooth sailing, and you know, and it's difficult to

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get your fitness back. And I really do empathize with

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women and how hard it is and how uncomfortable it

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is to get back and to exercise. But at the

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end of the day, you have to push through that

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little bit of discomfort and surround yourself with support and.

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Do it step by step and exactly exactly right, like

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be realistic with your expectations. And I just want to

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say that your story, well you your career is as

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a fitness trainer, and your unique challenges are unique to

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you as a fitness more pressure. However, it's very reflective

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of exactly what every other woman goes through whatever career

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she's in. There's never a good time to have a baby.

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It's that what will happen to my career if I

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have to take time off, And it might not be

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getting back to being fit, but it might be getting

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back to my job before it or whatever, or just

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getting back to my jug standard of keeping a house tidy,

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of being able to have a shower once a day.

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This is all just these are common challenges.

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Yeah, it is. And you know, if you run your

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own business, you don't get maternity lead. And I am

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so passed about my members business aside. I feel I

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have this community of women who rely on me, and

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I wanted to put out new workouts for them, and

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I am so dedicated to helping them. And when I

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had Arnold, I thought, Okay, we're just all going to

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do this together. And I reached out to them and said,

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I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. And I realized I couldn't.

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Early days I had Arnold, and I thought, okay, I've

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got to, you know, put some images out, content for

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the business whatever. But I couldn't have a shower, I

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couldn't put on makeup. I couldn't go to the hairdressers

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and get my roots done. I was looking horrendous. But

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I thought, that's normal. That's normal. It is so normal.

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But most of us get to do that. I mean,

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it's hard enough. The first six weeks after a baby

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is hell. And I had a reflux baby too, huh,

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And so it is hard enough, let alone having to

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then put yourself out publicly publicly give two judgment over

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one hundred thousand followers on it.

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Yeah, yeah, and more through Facebook.

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And yeah, so the pressure of that, I mean, and

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everyone has an opinion casts and that's something I learned

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very early on as a mum. Oh yeah, that's a

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whole that's a whole tech.

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Everybody was strangers reaching out telling me how to parent

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and what to do. And you know, especially we're feeding.

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I'm breastfeeding solely breastfeeding. That's fine, but I you know,

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people have opinions about how you should feed your baby,

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and to them, I say, mind your own tits. That's

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one of my favorite things to say at.

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The moment in an opinion about resps of you know.

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Being a working mom, or you know, introducing bottles or

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this or that or whatever you do. Sure, just if

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you just do what you need to do with your child.

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You know, your child fed is best. And there's there's

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all these wars going on with moms, how you raise

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your children, how you feed do children, routine babies versus

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non routine babies, bottles versus breast this, I say, just

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feed your baby. That is the most important thing. Mind

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your own tip, minord doorn fine.

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And I was just heard that.

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Yeah, I was just overwhelmed with people's opinions on how

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to you know, whether you swaddle your baby or you don't,

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whether you use a dummy or if you don't. It

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was so there's so much and I was like, women

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have to support each other. Mums have to be kind

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to other moms. Don't judge. That's the the mummy. The

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mummy was, the mummy was. I'm it's been to find that, yeah,

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for sure.

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It's been twelve years almost was eleven and a half, yeah,

245
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since I had my daughter, and that was certainly rife

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when I was a new mum. I actually was wondering.

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I was gonna ask you, do you think that is

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still as prevalent, because I think I thought we'd come

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a bit further than that now that and we'd sort

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of calmed down a bit on that. I think it's

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worst CASP social media is you know, everyone has an opinion,

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and they will private message you their opinion and you're

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like and you read, oh, thanks, no I.

254
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Don't know you, but thank you for that, or there's

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a comment on your Instagram and you know. So there's

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a lot of opinions and I found that quite difficult.

257
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But I do think that mums are doing their best,

258
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and that you have to just do your best and

259
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as long as that baby's fed and loved, that's all

260
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that matters. And it has been such an eye opener

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to just how competitive it can be as well with

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moms and.

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Give it harder than you expected.

264
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Absolutely, I can't believe how hard those first six weeks

265
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were with a baby and sleep deprivation. It was a

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whole new level. Sure, we've all had rough night sleeping

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or had to get up early for work. And when

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I was working in television, I started my day at

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five am and sometimes we would film till ten at night,

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and you know, I wouldn't sleep, and they were long

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days and it was physical work, but nothing compares to

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that broken sleep and that exhaustion of feeding a baby

273
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overnight and the responsibility, responsibility, and with Arnold being a

274
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reflux baby where I couldn't lie him on his back,

275
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and think of the logistics of that can't go in

276
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to pram on his back, he can't be laid down.

277
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You're holding that baby upright or elevating everything all day.

278
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It was so difficult for Ed and I and I

279
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just look back at that six weeks and you go

280
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into survival mode but I don't know how I did it.

281
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It's a blur and it's a blur, and I just

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want to give every mom out there a huge hug

283
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and just say good on you, because it does get

284
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easier after that. I found around the twelve week mark,

285
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I was like, oh, I sort of know what he

286
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wants now. Yeah, but the first six weeks are brutal,

287
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so you know you have to reach out for help.

288
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Did people tell you that I did have an idea,

289
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but not No. You just don't know until you're living

290
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it and you're lying in bed and hear the baby

291
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and you're just like, I can't get up. I'm so tired,

292
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I can't move. But you have to get up, and

293
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you know no one can do it but you, and

294
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you sometimes have to put on a brave face and

295
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then you go out in public and people stick their

296
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heads in the pram and they'll tell you what you're

297
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doing wrong.

298
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I remember that, you know, when you're.

299
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Like, get your head out on my pram, I'm going to,

300
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you know, explode, But you know, it's just it is

301
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what it is. So if you're a mum out there,

302
00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:34.639
just give yourself a cuddle. And I want people I

303
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want women to take that bounce back pressure off, because

304
00:16:38.360 --> 00:16:40.360
it felt like there was a clock over my head

305
00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:43.240
counting down. Yeah, and it was like how soon can

306
00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:46.759
you bounce back? And I was so sick of people

307
00:16:46.919 --> 00:16:50.440
asking me when I would lose my baby weight, and

308
00:16:51.120 --> 00:16:53.399
I was like, yeah, the important word there is baby.

309
00:16:53.960 --> 00:16:56.440
I've had a baby. It's not baby weight. It's like

310
00:16:56.879 --> 00:17:01.000
uteruss and it's pregnancy and it's my body has never

311
00:17:01.080 --> 00:17:03.840
actually been as strong as it is now for your information,

312
00:17:04.039 --> 00:17:07.079
because I went through labor and I did something so

313
00:17:07.240 --> 00:17:11.680
athletic and so awesome, and you know, delivering the baby,

314
00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:14.799
however you deliver, it is so full on. So I

315
00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:17.359
just was so proud of that moment and I was

316
00:17:17.400 --> 00:17:19.720
wearing my body like this is my new mum body

317
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and it may never return to how it was. It

318
00:17:21.799 --> 00:17:25.599
definitely isn't now. And I'm five months postpartum and I'm

319
00:17:25.640 --> 00:17:29.039
still seven kilos over my pre baby weight and you know,

320
00:17:29.079 --> 00:17:32.880
I hate the term pre baby weight. Yeah, Like, if

321
00:17:32.839 --> 00:17:34.640
you're a different person, aren't you casts.

322
00:17:34.480 --> 00:17:37.119
Even in the t FXO community, You've attracted a lot

323
00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:38.839
of new mums because they relate to you, But there

324
00:17:38.920 --> 00:17:41.039
is still this I've got this much to go before

325
00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:44.720
I get to my pre baby weight. We've had a baby.

326
00:17:44.960 --> 00:17:47.720
Your body has completely changed. So where does this even?

327
00:17:47.880 --> 00:17:50.759
I mean, I'm no I was the same, because we

328
00:17:50.880 --> 00:17:53.200
hold that as well. That's who I was and that's

329
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:53.960
why I should return.

330
00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.519
That's what I be. But you're a different person.

331
00:17:55.920 --> 00:17:56.880
Everything's changed.

332
00:17:56.920 --> 00:17:58.720
And look, I look at this now. I've got a

333
00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:00.640
broken ankle and I've got a baby and I can't

334
00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:03.559
wait bear and it's a nightmare. But I look at

335
00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:06.079
my ankle and it's a broken bone, and I'm not

336
00:18:06.200 --> 00:18:11.160
expected to bounce back three days later after having such

337
00:18:11.160 --> 00:18:14.000
a bad injury. When I gave birth to Arnold, it

338
00:18:14.079 --> 00:18:19.720
was pretty like raw and wild and you don't expect

339
00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:25.079
it to be so what's the word cast like just oh,

340
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:29.000
you don't expect it to be so gross, but it

341
00:18:29.160 --> 00:18:34.119
was for me. And five days later, like breaking my ankle,

342
00:18:34.119 --> 00:18:36.920
you're not expected to be back. And you know, have

343
00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:40.400
this perfect body and have rehabbed and recovered physically and

344
00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:44.079
emotionally from an injury like that, and it's like having

345
00:18:44.160 --> 00:18:47.640
surgery or anything. You know, you're not allowed that time

346
00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:52.240
after having a baby to recover emotionally, mentally or physically.

347
00:18:52.759 --> 00:18:55.799
And even having stitches and things like I had. I

348
00:18:55.839 --> 00:18:59.480
was like, where is this message in the media about

349
00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:03.680
recovery and mental health after having a baby, Because I

350
00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:07.440
didn't suffer postnatal depression, but there were times that I

351
00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:09.880
went to the doctors for checkups and they did the

352
00:19:10.039 --> 00:19:15.319
Edinburgh test Edinburgh. Yes, and on a bad day, sure

353
00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:19.839
I was postnatal. But you know it passed because that

354
00:19:19.920 --> 00:19:22.559
test can be done any day, can't it. And I

355
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:24.519
had had a few bad days and a few bad

356
00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:28.039
scores like any mom out there, So.

357
00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:31.559
Can I say something about that the Edinburgh I did

358
00:19:31.559 --> 00:19:33.559
a lot of work in post natal impression as a

359
00:19:33.559 --> 00:19:37.400
clinical psychologist in when my private practice was thriving. That

360
00:19:37.480 --> 00:19:40.559
was more than half of my workload was postnatal depression.

361
00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:44.640
And that score does change. But a characteristic of a

362
00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:47.400
characteristic of post outal depression is that you do have

363
00:19:47.759 --> 00:19:50.480
those ups and downs, and that many women think, right,

364
00:19:50.640 --> 00:19:53.559
will say I was just having a bad day, right,

365
00:19:53.720 --> 00:19:55.759
I don't have postnatal depression. That was just a bad

366
00:19:55.839 --> 00:19:57.359
day because he wasn't sleeping. That was just a bad

367
00:19:57.400 --> 00:20:00.160
day because my husband was away. And actually that up

368
00:20:00.200 --> 00:20:04.200
and down nature, yeah, is what it's rah.

369
00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:06.400
I did not know that well, perhaps I did. I

370
00:20:06.440 --> 00:20:08.839
don't know, but you know, when the doctor said I'm

371
00:20:08.839 --> 00:20:10.519
just going to do a little test on you, I

372
00:20:10.519 --> 00:20:13.200
burst out crying, No, I'm not postnatal. I haven't got

373
00:20:13.240 --> 00:20:15.200
time to be postnatal. I've got a baby.

374
00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:19.640
I had my daughter before I did my clinical psychology

375
00:20:19.680 --> 00:20:21.279
master so I know more now than I do then.

376
00:20:21.759 --> 00:20:26.079
And my GP was strongly suggesting to me that I

377
00:20:26.160 --> 00:20:28.960
may have postnatal depression, and I was exactly like you.

378
00:20:29.039 --> 00:20:32.279
I was like, no, you're being ridiculous. My husband's away,

379
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:35.319
I'm just having a bad day. And then later I

380
00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:36.319
looked back and went.

381
00:20:36.319 --> 00:20:39.680
Oh, yeah, actually, and that was pretty bad.

382
00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:40.000
Yeah.

383
00:20:40.039 --> 00:20:42.400
You look back and you just think that was pretty tough.

384
00:20:42.519 --> 00:20:45.839
And it was so tough, like when your partner goes

385
00:20:45.839 --> 00:20:48.079
away to work and you're at home for the first.

386
00:20:47.880 --> 00:20:51.119
Time with the baby. I remember being terrif.

387
00:20:50.759 --> 00:20:52.680
Isn't that hard that first day?

388
00:20:52.880 --> 00:20:53.119
Yep?

389
00:20:53.160 --> 00:20:55.119
I mean it's all the first I found all the

390
00:20:55.160 --> 00:20:57.200
first hard. The first time I took Arnold out in

391
00:20:57.200 --> 00:21:00.480
a pram, just getting the pram upstairs, and then I

392
00:21:00.519 --> 00:21:02.440
thought I'll go into a cafe and get a coffee.

393
00:21:02.440 --> 00:21:04.160
I couldn't get the pram through the door because I

394
00:21:04.160 --> 00:21:06.240
didn't know you had to reverse the pram through the door,

395
00:21:06.519 --> 00:21:09.119
and I just I burst out crying because I couldn't

396
00:21:09.119 --> 00:21:10.680
get the pram in the cafe and no one was

397
00:21:10.720 --> 00:21:14.960
helping me, and you know, and I just fell apart

398
00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:17.720
and I was so embarrassed. And you know, it's all

399
00:21:17.720 --> 00:21:20.400
the little first along the way that's so difficult. And

400
00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:25.240
I'm even struggling with first now. I haven't taken Arnold out.

401
00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:29.319
He's started some solids and i haven't fed him outside

402
00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:32.079
the house yet. I'm terrified of the mess and the

403
00:21:32.119 --> 00:21:35.400
food and doing that outside of the house, and so

404
00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:40.680
being at home logistically for breakfast, lunch, dinner, solids is

405
00:21:40.799 --> 00:21:43.880
very hard around my work schedule plus breastfeeds and all

406
00:21:43.920 --> 00:21:48.039
of that. So I'm still nervous about feeding in public

407
00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:52.039
because of because you know, people come up and say, oh, hi,

408
00:21:52.200 --> 00:21:54.119
Ed Tiff, and we love that people come and say

409
00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:55.680
hi to us on the streets, but when you've got

410
00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:58.720
a boob out, sometimes it's a bit like oh maybe late,

411
00:21:59.039 --> 00:22:02.079
like come over and fuy minutes. So you know, there's

412
00:22:02.079 --> 00:22:03.759
all these first that are.

413
00:22:03.759 --> 00:22:08.400
So hard, and leaving the house is challenging for many reasons.

414
00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:12.200
I mean, then there's the issue of managing sleep, you know,

415
00:22:12.359 --> 00:22:14.079
wanting to be home for their naps, and depending on

416
00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:15.839
how well your baby sleeps in the car or the

417
00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:19.000
prem or at time, I would never be out of

418
00:22:19.039 --> 00:22:22.799
the house. If she did I for a little while,

419
00:22:22.839 --> 00:22:25.000
she would only sleep in the prem So I had

420
00:22:25.039 --> 00:22:26.799
to even if I didn't want to leave the house,

421
00:22:26.799 --> 00:22:28.920
I had to get outside and had to push that

422
00:22:29.000 --> 00:22:31.880
pram around and around the block because it was the

423
00:22:31.960 --> 00:22:34.400
only way that she would sleep. So we have there's

424
00:22:34.480 --> 00:22:38.920
so many restrictions, you know that suddenly you have to

425
00:22:39.440 --> 00:22:43.640
face and live with it. Just life changes.

426
00:22:43.720 --> 00:22:46.440
Life does, and your life is not your own, and

427
00:22:46.680 --> 00:22:50.519
no it's not. And that's why I urge people not

428
00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:54.279
to give opinions to new mums or to to pry

429
00:22:54.480 --> 00:22:58.519
because you a lot of women would be like, well,

430
00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:01.319
just feed Onnie and chuck him in the car and

431
00:23:01.359 --> 00:23:03.400
then go do that, And I'd be like, bee's a

432
00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:05.759
reflux baby. So I feed Arnie and I have to

433
00:23:05.799 --> 00:23:08.480
have him upright for at least twenty twenty five minutes

434
00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:10.559
for him otherwise in milk comes up and he doesn't

435
00:23:10.559 --> 00:23:13.839
get the nutrition. So you know, it's fine if your

436
00:23:13.839 --> 00:23:16.359
baby isn't reflux. But you know, you're dealing with so

437
00:23:16.400 --> 00:23:19.160
many things, and I felt like I was always justifying.

438
00:23:18.680 --> 00:23:20.319
Myself, which you shouldn't have to do it.

439
00:23:20.359 --> 00:23:24.440
Yeah, and always Oh it's so hectic. So you've got

440
00:23:24.440 --> 00:23:26.680
to take that pressure off. You've got to go slow,

441
00:23:26.960 --> 00:23:30.559
and you've got to self accept and find that compassion,

442
00:23:30.559 --> 00:23:31.720
don't you, Cass.

443
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:35.839
Yeah, for sure, self compassion. And there's lots of other

444
00:23:35.880 --> 00:23:38.599
things that I think mums yeah should do to look

445
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:40.039
after the tips.

446
00:23:40.279 --> 00:23:42.440
So we'll come back after the break and we're going

447
00:23:42.480 --> 00:23:45.920
to give you some tips on how to take the

448
00:23:45.920 --> 00:23:49.480
pressure off and look after yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally.

449
00:23:52.759 --> 00:23:55.119
You're listening to Crappy to Happy with Tip and Cass,

450
00:23:55.119 --> 00:23:58.559
and we're speaking about life after a baby. Now, I

451
00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:01.519
just we just want to say before we continue, this

452
00:24:01.559 --> 00:24:05.000
is an exhaustive list of issues that pop up after

453
00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:06.480
you have a baby. These are just some of the

454
00:24:06.519 --> 00:24:10.200
things that we experienced, and we're going for lease some

455
00:24:10.240 --> 00:24:12.519
things that can help, some things that can help you

456
00:24:12.599 --> 00:24:16.000
feel go from crappy to feeling a little bit happier. Now,

457
00:24:16.039 --> 00:24:19.640
let's talk about the mental side of being a new mum.

458
00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:22.599
There's a lot going on you're healing after the birth,

459
00:24:23.799 --> 00:24:26.960
You've got all these hormones running around in your body,

460
00:24:27.279 --> 00:24:31.880
you have a tiny, little, gorgeous baby completely dependent on you,

461
00:24:32.680 --> 00:24:36.440
and there's a new life. The old life's gone. So

462
00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:37.720
it's a tough time.

463
00:24:37.799 --> 00:24:40.799
Cass. Interesting that you say that, because I distinctly remember

464
00:24:40.839 --> 00:24:43.160
when my baby was very little, and she was not

465
00:24:43.240 --> 00:24:44.839
a sleeper, and she was not a very good feeder,

466
00:24:44.839 --> 00:24:46.480
and I had a pretty rough time, and I remember

467
00:24:46.480 --> 00:24:48.799
saying to my friend, who by the way, doesn't have

468
00:24:48.880 --> 00:24:51.720
children by choice, she has never had children. I remember

469
00:24:51.759 --> 00:24:54.519
saying to her, gosh, I just want my old life back.

470
00:24:54.559 --> 00:24:56.480
And she looked at me and said, what are you

471
00:24:56.519 --> 00:25:00.400
talking about. This is your life. And at the time

472
00:25:00.079 --> 00:25:03.680
time was that was devastating to me. It was like

473
00:25:03.759 --> 00:25:06.079
this penny dropped and I went, oh my god, I

474
00:25:06.119 --> 00:25:07.200
am not getting that life.

475
00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:10.240
I remember that moment too. And it was the second

476
00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:13.279
week we first week in hospital, second week you got home,

477
00:25:13.880 --> 00:25:16.319
and the first few nights it was like a novelty

478
00:25:16.359 --> 00:25:19.400
getting up to Arnold and our special time, and then

479
00:25:19.400 --> 00:25:23.640
all of a sudden, that sleep deprivation kicked in. The

480
00:25:23.680 --> 00:25:26.720
adrenaline went from that high of having the baby, and

481
00:25:26.799 --> 00:25:30.160
I realized that moms don't get a day off. I

482
00:25:30.200 --> 00:25:34.359
can't sleep in tomorrow, that I'm feeling like absolute crap

483
00:25:34.920 --> 00:25:37.640
and I've got to do this again tomorrow and the

484
00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:40.839
next day and the next day. And it hit me

485
00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:41.960
like a ton of bricks.

486
00:25:42.119 --> 00:25:46.200
It's devastating. Actually, Yeah, And you know, those first six

487
00:25:46.240 --> 00:25:49.279
weeks really are tough, and I think that's commonly known.

488
00:25:49.279 --> 00:25:51.759
We all know the baby blues kicks in, you know,

489
00:25:51.839 --> 00:25:53.640
with the with the milk coming in. That's sort of

490
00:25:53.680 --> 00:25:56.920
day four or five, and that's usually fairly temporary and

491
00:25:57.119 --> 00:26:00.400
you sort of come back. But then later on, if

492
00:26:00.400 --> 00:26:04.519
you're still feeling really down, teary, that's when we start

493
00:26:04.519 --> 00:26:09.880
being concerned about postnatal depression. And you know, statistically, one

494
00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:12.799
in seven is the number of women who will experience

495
00:26:12.799 --> 00:26:17.680
postnatal depression and also post natal anxiety. I think post

496
00:26:17.759 --> 00:26:22.279
natal anxiety is actually possibly it's not as widely reported.

497
00:26:22.319 --> 00:26:24.920
People don't talk about it, but it's very prevalent. And

498
00:26:24.960 --> 00:26:27.240
I think I was probably a little bit more of

499
00:26:27.319 --> 00:26:32.839
an anxious mum. But it's really important. As you said,

500
00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:35.759
we don't often we wonder what's normal.

501
00:26:36.039 --> 00:26:38.440
Yeah, I don't know what's normal. I didn't even know,

502
00:26:38.559 --> 00:26:40.680
my baby had reflux. I thought it was normal for

503
00:26:40.759 --> 00:26:44.319
him to be writhing through the night full of heartburn

504
00:26:44.480 --> 00:26:48.359
and he you know, his stomach acid, And I thought

505
00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:51.279
that was normal for little babies to not sleep at all.

506
00:26:51.720 --> 00:26:55.039
Oh wow, like whereas you hear newborns don't sleep. But

507
00:26:55.160 --> 00:26:57.920
I thought but when it wasn't until the midwife said,

508
00:26:57.920 --> 00:27:00.799
oh no, he should be sleeping between fear like four

509
00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:04.240
hour blocks, And I'm like, what have.

510
00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:08.400
A similar experience? And that's the thing, nobody you don't

511
00:27:08.440 --> 00:27:11.000
know these things at such an uncertain time, and that

512
00:27:11.119 --> 00:27:13.240
is the challenge when we talk about post aatal depression.

513
00:27:14.759 --> 00:27:16.680
There are so many factors that contribute to that. And

514
00:27:16.759 --> 00:27:19.160
I think there's a bit of a misconception that that

515
00:27:19.200 --> 00:27:20.160
it's all about hormones.

516
00:27:20.240 --> 00:27:22.720
You've got these ragio Yeah, I thought it.

517
00:27:22.759 --> 00:27:25.839
Was, And in fact, post antal depression is much like

518
00:27:25.880 --> 00:27:27.960
any other kind of depression, and it's caused by a

519
00:27:27.960 --> 00:27:31.400
lot of environmental factors, including the fact that you're not

520
00:27:31.400 --> 00:27:35.319
getting any sleep, that every deprivation, that every life as

521
00:27:35.359 --> 00:27:38.319
you knew it has been completely disrupted, everything that was

522
00:27:38.359 --> 00:27:41.680
your normal routine, everything that you came to expect to be,

523
00:27:43.200 --> 00:27:46.640
you know, a normal structure and routine has gone. Your

524
00:27:46.680 --> 00:27:50.319
time is not your own anymore. The loss of identity

525
00:27:50.319 --> 00:27:53.559
if you've been very you know much a career woman,

526
00:27:53.880 --> 00:27:56.720
or you know, tied your identity and your self worth

527
00:27:56.759 --> 00:27:59.559
to these achievements and the things that you prided yourself

528
00:27:59.559 --> 00:28:01.440
on being able to do, and suddenly you can't even

529
00:28:01.880 --> 00:28:04.039
wash your hair, or get through.

530
00:28:03.839 --> 00:28:07.440
A day, or leave the house, or leave the house,

531
00:28:07.839 --> 00:28:09.960
or get back to emails or so.

532
00:28:10.519 --> 00:28:13.759
It's and this pressure of responsibility. And as I said,

533
00:28:13.799 --> 00:28:15.319
I worked a lot with new mums and I remember

534
00:28:15.319 --> 00:28:18.720
one mum saying to me she just felt this overwhelming

535
00:28:18.759 --> 00:28:21.759
pressure and the weight of the responsibility of being the

536
00:28:21.759 --> 00:28:25.119
person who had to keep this baby alive. That's the

537
00:28:25.160 --> 00:28:28.240
pressure of breastfeeding, and especially if it's not going well,

538
00:28:28.640 --> 00:28:31.839
and especially if you don't want to necessarily go to formula,

539
00:28:31.920 --> 00:28:34.160
and a lot of mums don't, and you know, right

540
00:28:34.240 --> 00:28:36.119
or wrong, make your own decision. But if you feel

541
00:28:36.160 --> 00:28:39.079
that pressure that you would rather breastfeed, that that can

542
00:28:39.119 --> 00:28:40.680
be enormously difficult.

543
00:28:40.680 --> 00:28:43.640
And also your milk supply can change. I had an

544
00:28:43.680 --> 00:28:47.160
oversupply which was traumatic because I had to work with

545
00:28:47.279 --> 00:28:51.440
lactation consultant to bring my boobs down and normalize my

546
00:28:51.519 --> 00:28:55.079
supply because Arnold wasn't feeding because there was too much

547
00:28:55.079 --> 00:28:58.799
milk and it gave him reflux. And then I had

548
00:28:58.839 --> 00:29:03.440
periods where I stressing myself out working and with Arnold,

549
00:29:03.839 --> 00:29:05.160
and by the end of the day I didn't have

550
00:29:05.319 --> 00:29:08.599
enough of milla drops and then having to increase my

551
00:29:08.680 --> 00:29:11.440
calories and work around that. And you know, for me,

552
00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:14.319
it was very hard because at one point, I'm trying

553
00:29:14.359 --> 00:29:16.880
to get fit and healthy. My job is to do

554
00:29:16.960 --> 00:29:19.720
fitness videos every day, but if I did too much,

555
00:29:19.799 --> 00:29:22.799
it affected how I fed Arnold and it was just

556
00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:25.759
such a stressful time. We're all back to, you know,

557
00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:27.480
finding our way now, but.

558
00:29:28.119 --> 00:29:31.759
It is such a stress and everything that you're talking

559
00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:33.559
about is very normal.

560
00:29:33.319 --> 00:29:35.960
And every day is different, every week is different. If

561
00:29:35.960 --> 00:29:39.640
people say can't you do this? Next week, you can go, sure, commit,

562
00:29:39.960 --> 00:29:43.440
and then that week the baby throws a curveball. Life

563
00:29:43.559 --> 00:29:46.279
changes again because babies grow and develop and change.

564
00:29:46.599 --> 00:29:50.279
Yeah, there's no predictable routine anymore, and that's challenging if

565
00:29:50.319 --> 00:29:54.960
you're a person who has routine, thrived on predictability and routine,

566
00:29:55.240 --> 00:29:57.319
and a lot of the mums that I would see

567
00:29:58.519 --> 00:30:01.880
struggling post natally. And I would say I would say

568
00:30:01.880 --> 00:30:04.920
this probably applied to myself as well. And I know

569
00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:07.279
that I've spoken to you about it. But the mums

570
00:30:07.319 --> 00:30:11.759
who tend to be high achieving, like order, like routine,

571
00:30:11.960 --> 00:30:15.480
maybe a little bit perfectionist, you know, they pride themselves

572
00:30:15.480 --> 00:30:17.680
on doing things well and having a sense of control,

573
00:30:18.279 --> 00:30:21.279
control and predictability. And suddenly there's no more control, and

574
00:30:21.359 --> 00:30:24.680
suddenly you thought you're a competent person and you can't

575
00:30:24.920 --> 00:30:30.039
do the most basic thing. It's shattering mentally, and nobody

576
00:30:30.119 --> 00:30:33.480
understands it. Like your partner can be there and be supportive,

577
00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:36.119
but they don't really get it, especially if you're the

578
00:30:36.119 --> 00:30:39.680
one at home, and this is often the case, you're

579
00:30:39.720 --> 00:30:41.680
the one at home, and then they walk out the

580
00:30:41.720 --> 00:30:45.440
door and go to work and have coffee and eat

581
00:30:45.559 --> 00:30:49.640
lunch and do all of those things that adult people

582
00:30:49.720 --> 00:30:50.200
get to do.

583
00:30:50.440 --> 00:30:53.200
Fill up the car with petrol. I was so jelly gosh. Yeah,

584
00:30:53.240 --> 00:30:55.000
it's like, I'm just gonna go out and get some petrol.

585
00:30:55.039 --> 00:30:56.240
I'd love to do that.

586
00:30:56.599 --> 00:31:00.279
My husband was so helpful when and he was working

587
00:31:00.279 --> 00:31:02.680
from home actually when I had Annabelle, my daughter, and

588
00:31:02.759 --> 00:31:06.960
so and he was amazingly helpful. But he would say, okay,

589
00:31:07.400 --> 00:31:10.160
I'll put the washing out. We had a corner store,

590
00:31:10.200 --> 00:31:12.960
like a grocery store on our corner, like literally, and

591
00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:14.680
so he would say, I'll run down and I'll get

592
00:31:14.680 --> 00:31:18.799
the groceries. And I would say to get the grocery.

593
00:31:19.400 --> 00:31:21.839
I would beg ed because at one stage we had

594
00:31:21.839 --> 00:31:24.240
a blind in Arnold's room with a shard of light

595
00:31:24.400 --> 00:31:27.559
keeping him awake coming through the blind. And I had

596
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:29.799
to go get those vulcro things that stick the blind

597
00:31:29.880 --> 00:31:33.519
to the you know, the window, and I just had

598
00:31:33.519 --> 00:31:36.079
to go to Bunnings. And it's like, I'll go to Bunnings.

599
00:31:36.119 --> 00:31:38.680
It's a waste of your time. You stay here. I'm like, please, please,

600
00:31:38.759 --> 00:31:40.640
love you, don't let me go to Bunnings. I'm going

601
00:31:40.680 --> 00:31:42.640
around house kick you. I have to go to Bunnings

602
00:31:42.720 --> 00:31:44.640
right now. It's an outing for me, ed.

603
00:31:44.920 --> 00:31:46.839
And then I would go out, though if I did,

604
00:31:46.920 --> 00:31:48.599
I say, oh, thank goodness, and I'd get to the

605
00:31:48.680 --> 00:31:51.799
store and she'd start crying. Yeah, and he would be

606
00:31:51.799 --> 00:31:53.400
on the phone saying I don't know what to do.

607
00:31:54.599 --> 00:31:57.200
So it's just and then that's the pressure that's like,

608
00:31:57.359 --> 00:31:59.519
oh gosh, I am never going to have a minute

609
00:31:59.519 --> 00:32:01.920
to myself ever again in my life, and of course

610
00:32:01.960 --> 00:32:02.440
we do.

611
00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:05.480
Of course you get through that, yes, but you can't

612
00:32:05.559 --> 00:32:07.640
see that at the time. So how do you deal

613
00:32:07.640 --> 00:32:11.240
with that? Cast Like, if you're feeling that moment.

614
00:32:11.200 --> 00:32:13.599
I would say, first and foremost, it's like being trapped.

615
00:32:13.839 --> 00:32:16.240
It is, it is, and I remember for that feeling

616
00:32:16.359 --> 00:32:18.160
very well, like I'm staring at these four walls. I'm

617
00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:19.519
not a game to leave the house, but I don't

618
00:32:19.519 --> 00:32:23.279
want to be here either. I think if your GP,

619
00:32:23.799 --> 00:32:27.680
as yours was and as mine was, is gently suggesting

620
00:32:27.880 --> 00:32:30.319
that perhaps you might there might be something going on

621
00:32:30.400 --> 00:32:33.119
here that is beyond the normal sort of mood fluctuations

622
00:32:33.119 --> 00:32:36.799
of post partum, that you might want to take that

623
00:32:36.880 --> 00:32:38.720
on board, because I think a lot of people just

624
00:32:38.759 --> 00:32:41.279
say dismiss it and think this, I'm just having a

625
00:32:41.279 --> 00:32:42.839
bad day, when in fact, if you're having a lot

626
00:32:42.839 --> 00:32:45.519
of bad days, then that is an indication that it

627
00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:47.519
could be postnatal depression. And it doesn't mean that you

628
00:32:47.599 --> 00:32:50.119
have to I think people are very wary that that

629
00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:53.559
means something terrible or they'll be put on medications. Doesn't

630
00:32:53.640 --> 00:32:56.079
mean cast well, it just means that you could use

631
00:32:56.079 --> 00:32:58.480
some support, right and so just getting a referral to

632
00:32:58.519 --> 00:33:01.480
a psychologist could be a really useful thing.

633
00:33:01.680 --> 00:33:03.720
What if you're like me and I was like, I

634
00:33:03.759 --> 00:33:06.680
haven't got time to go to a psychologist. I can't.

635
00:33:07.119 --> 00:33:08.559
I can't get the baby in the car and I

636
00:33:08.599 --> 00:33:10.519
want to take the baby out. I want to keep

637
00:33:10.599 --> 00:33:14.119
Arnold on his routine and naps, and like, how do.

638
00:33:14.079 --> 00:33:16.720
You well, you know, if it gets to a point

639
00:33:16.759 --> 00:33:18.359
where you have to make a priority, and we're talking

640
00:33:18.359 --> 00:33:21.519
here about prioritizing your mental health, and sometimes it gets

641
00:33:21.519 --> 00:33:23.279
to the point and I think a lot of women

642
00:33:23.279 --> 00:33:24.960
probably do put it off for that reason. It feels

643
00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.880
like another difficult, challenging thing. I didn't go to mother's group,

644
00:33:30.359 --> 00:33:34.079
did I? I could not manage to get myself to

645
00:33:34.160 --> 00:33:36.880
mother's group. And that was that can be potentially a

646
00:33:36.920 --> 00:33:40.839
really amazing support And women make, you know, really firm

647
00:33:40.920 --> 00:33:44.279
friendships in mother's group and keeps them throughout their children's lives.

648
00:33:44.599 --> 00:33:48.279
And I had one or two girls from mother's group

649
00:33:48.279 --> 00:33:50.599
who would follow me up and say how are you going?

650
00:33:50.599 --> 00:33:52.640
And when she got a bit older, then I was

651
00:33:52.640 --> 00:33:54.720
able to go and have a coffee. But the regular

652
00:33:54.759 --> 00:33:57.559
mother's group meetings, I was a no show. Pretty much

653
00:33:57.599 --> 00:34:00.440
every time, and so this is how women end up

654
00:34:00.480 --> 00:34:04.000
so isolated. Yes, and it's very isolating. I just saw

655
00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:06.319
something on Facebook today and I shared it actually because

656
00:34:06.359 --> 00:34:08.639
we were recording this about the loneliness.

657
00:34:08.920 --> 00:34:10.079
Yeah, it's so lonely.

658
00:34:10.239 --> 00:34:10.480
Yeah.

659
00:34:10.480 --> 00:34:12.360
And you can be in a room full of people,

660
00:34:12.679 --> 00:34:15.159
all these visitors coming over to look at your baby,

661
00:34:15.199 --> 00:34:16.920
and you can still be feeling so lonely.

662
00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:19.119
Yeah. And I think the important thing is to ask

663
00:34:19.360 --> 00:34:22.000
for help and not be afraid to ask for help.

664
00:34:22.280 --> 00:34:24.280
And I think a big part of the problem is

665
00:34:24.320 --> 00:34:29.000
that we are bombarded with images and messages and even

666
00:34:29.039 --> 00:34:32.760
on social media about how wonderful it is to be

667
00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:35.039
a mum, and all we see is the cute, happy,

668
00:34:35.039 --> 00:34:38.360
smiling babies and the pitch commercials on the TV about

669
00:34:38.360 --> 00:34:41.920
how lovely it is to have this giggling, gurgling baby.

670
00:34:42.400 --> 00:34:44.559
And if that's not your reality, it can very much

671
00:34:44.639 --> 00:34:47.320
feel like you are the only one, yeah, who's not

672
00:34:47.480 --> 00:34:49.960
doing it right, or you've got the bad baby. I

673
00:34:50.039 --> 00:34:51.679
used to think, how came I got the dud baby?

674
00:34:53.000 --> 00:34:55.960
Cass Oh, bless a little soul.

675
00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:58.400
She's like, I know, and you love your baby, and

676
00:34:58.440 --> 00:35:01.960
you love your baby so much, But people would say,

677
00:35:02.199 --> 00:35:05.519
And I remember saying to people it was really hard

678
00:35:05.599 --> 00:35:07.599
and nobody else seemed to be struggling.

679
00:35:07.960 --> 00:35:10.119
That's how it felt to me, and I think that's

680
00:35:10.159 --> 00:35:12.559
how it feels for a lot of mums, like nobody

681
00:35:12.559 --> 00:35:13.599
el I'm going to get teary now.

682
00:35:13.760 --> 00:35:19.679
Yeah, that's okay, Cash, I wasn't expecting that. Yeah, that's

683
00:35:19.719 --> 00:35:22.519
how small. I want to give you a big hug.

684
00:35:23.480 --> 00:35:24.920
That's okay. I always want to give you a hug.

685
00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:31.440
Now you're making me teary. Oh god, pass. It's really hard,

686
00:35:31.480 --> 00:35:32.360
isn't it.

687
00:35:32.360 --> 00:35:35.159
It is hard when it feels like you're the only one.

688
00:35:35.440 --> 00:35:41.559
Yeah, yeah, yeah, And.

689
00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:49.400
And in give me a second, m And I was

690
00:35:49.440 --> 00:35:52.880
going to say, many of my friends who are psychologists,

691
00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:56.639
says well, who have had gone on to have babies, surprise, surprise,

692
00:35:57.039 --> 00:36:02.519
are specializing in postnatal depression. And that's because when you've

693
00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:11.480
been through it, Yeah, when you've been through it, you

694
00:36:11.559 --> 00:36:14.280
just want to help other people, you know, help women.

695
00:36:14.360 --> 00:36:17.239
And I had mums come to me and say, my

696
00:36:18.400 --> 00:36:21.519
first question is have you had a baby, because they

697
00:36:21.519 --> 00:36:24.480
weren't interested in seeing a psychologist who and they had

698
00:36:24.519 --> 00:36:28.559
seen psychologists who had no idea what you know, who

699
00:36:28.599 --> 00:36:31.880
had given them the old just sleep when the baby sleeps,

700
00:36:32.800 --> 00:36:34.239
as if that's helpful.

701
00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:38.199
Do not say that to me, you know, these sorts

702
00:36:38.199 --> 00:36:39.719
of what if you have a todd life?

703
00:36:40.519 --> 00:36:45.119
Oh, exactly exactly. But they wanted to talk to somebody

704
00:36:45.119 --> 00:36:48.920
who they knew could relate. And I think that's really important.

705
00:36:48.960 --> 00:36:51.000
You want to talk to people who get it. And

706
00:36:51.599 --> 00:36:56.400
oftentimes if you feel like nobody else gets it, even

707
00:36:56.400 --> 00:36:58.679
in your amongst your circle of friends or your family,

708
00:36:59.719 --> 00:37:01.719
then that's the most isolating thing.

709
00:37:01.920 --> 00:37:06.199
Yeah, and it is so hard, And like you, I

710
00:37:06.239 --> 00:37:09.199
didn't do Mother's Group because I was terrified of what

711
00:37:09.239 --> 00:37:12.800
they may think about me being back at work really

712
00:37:12.800 --> 00:37:13.320
with a baby.

713
00:37:13.320 --> 00:37:14.199
Fear of the judgment.

714
00:37:14.360 --> 00:37:16.960
Yeah. And I was working, and I was working hard

715
00:37:17.760 --> 00:37:19.840
because I had this baby. And I looked at his

716
00:37:19.960 --> 00:37:23.880
little gorgeous cheeks and I was like, I want to

717
00:37:23.880 --> 00:37:26.679
build a life for you. And I'd started a business

718
00:37:26.719 --> 00:37:29.599
and I got pregnant two months into that beautiful business

719
00:37:29.639 --> 00:37:31.719
and I have a fantastic team that work with me

720
00:37:31.800 --> 00:37:33.760
that I did not want to let down. I didn't

721
00:37:33.760 --> 00:37:36.280
want my business going down the toilet because I had

722
00:37:36.320 --> 00:37:37.119
had a baby.

723
00:37:37.320 --> 00:37:38.320
How's the pressure though?

724
00:37:38.440 --> 00:37:42.199
And I was like, I need to be back teaching,

725
00:37:42.480 --> 00:37:46.400
doing fitness videos, giving to my members, showing women the way,

726
00:37:47.039 --> 00:37:49.360
and all I wanted to do was cry. So that

727
00:37:49.519 --> 00:37:52.079
is not going to help, you know. And I was

728
00:37:52.119 --> 00:37:54.079
too scared to go to mother's group and reach out

729
00:37:54.119 --> 00:37:56.280
for help. I was too scared to tell ed who

730
00:37:56.440 --> 00:38:00.000
was keeping the family going? And he's a comedian here

731
00:38:00.159 --> 00:38:03.559
to get up in the morning and tell jokes, And

732
00:38:03.760 --> 00:38:05.440
how is he going to be bloody funny with a

733
00:38:05.480 --> 00:38:08.440
wife at home crying and a baby screaming? So you know,

734
00:38:08.519 --> 00:38:13.960
there's pressure everywhere. How we affect you know, everything, so

735
00:38:14.039 --> 00:38:17.119
you get through it by asking for help.

736
00:38:17.480 --> 00:38:18.480
Knew this was going to be.

737
00:38:20.559 --> 00:38:24.039
But also I think asking for help is the most

738
00:38:24.079 --> 00:38:29.480
important thing and prioritizing that absolutely and get professional, professional help.

739
00:38:29.559 --> 00:38:32.199
Do GP do it alone. I say to people, you

740
00:38:32.239 --> 00:38:34.000
do not have to struggle alone.

741
00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:38.480
A good GP wife, you're obstetrician, whoever you trust. I

742
00:38:38.519 --> 00:38:40.679
was calling my obstetrician. I felt like we had been

743
00:38:40.719 --> 00:38:44.079
through so much and I thought, I thought after I

744
00:38:44.159 --> 00:38:45.760
had the baby, I was like, are you leaving me?

745
00:38:45.960 --> 00:38:46.960
After nine months?

746
00:38:47.000 --> 00:38:50.880
I had become so attached to him, and I was

747
00:38:50.960 --> 00:38:53.480
calling his office and they were so good and for me.

748
00:38:53.599 --> 00:38:58.760
That was my support system and my mum obviously, but

749
00:38:58.880 --> 00:39:01.280
you do find that you have different ways of doing

750
00:39:01.360 --> 00:39:06.440
things to you, even your parents, and you know, you

751
00:39:06.599 --> 00:39:09.199
just have to find that person and have perhaps that

752
00:39:09.239 --> 00:39:12.599
one voice in your head because there's so many opinions

753
00:39:13.199 --> 00:39:15.239
of how to do things. And for me, fresh air

754
00:39:15.480 --> 00:39:15.880
was great.

755
00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:17.800
Oh you've got to get outside. Let's get back to

756
00:39:17.800 --> 00:39:20.880
the tip. You've got to get outside.

757
00:39:21.000 --> 00:39:24.039
So psychologically, how can fresh air help? Because I did

758
00:39:24.079 --> 00:39:27.000
that because it just felt good, But psychologically.

759
00:39:26.280 --> 00:39:29.119
Well, we just know it does vitamin D fresh air,

760
00:39:29.280 --> 00:39:32.119
just getting out of the house. I would always say

761
00:39:32.159 --> 00:39:34.519
to women, especially towards the end of the day, but

762
00:39:34.559 --> 00:39:36.760
anytime of the day it's fine, but especially around at

763
00:39:36.800 --> 00:39:39.440
five o'clock in the afternoon when it cools down and

764
00:39:39.480 --> 00:39:41.320
you can just get out for a walk. It can

765
00:39:41.320 --> 00:39:44.000
make all the difference going through then into the evening

766
00:39:44.000 --> 00:39:45.079
because the evening bed.

767
00:39:45.159 --> 00:39:49.360
Bath, bottle, all the bees, rest whatever you're doing it

768
00:39:50.280 --> 00:39:51.199
and witching.

769
00:39:50.800 --> 00:39:53.480
Hour the bees. Oftentimes the end of the day is

770
00:39:53.519 --> 00:39:55.320
a difficult time with baby. So if you could give

771
00:39:55.360 --> 00:39:57.840
yourself a little bit of a break and get outside,

772
00:39:58.719 --> 00:39:59.880
that can be really helpful.

773
00:40:00.039 --> 00:40:02.679
Yeah, I found that really helpful. And at first I was,

774
00:40:03.280 --> 00:40:06.119
you know, not navigating the gutters right with my pram.

775
00:40:06.159 --> 00:40:08.199
I was freaking out about the sun and the baby.

776
00:40:08.559 --> 00:40:11.440
It was all so scary. But you have to take

777
00:40:11.440 --> 00:40:13.440
that first step, and I made my sister come along.

778
00:40:13.480 --> 00:40:15.360
The first time we went around the block, and then

779
00:40:15.960 --> 00:40:21.360
I built up the distance and then I found physically

780
00:40:22.000 --> 00:40:24.760
if you are someone who wants to get your fitness back,

781
00:40:24.800 --> 00:40:27.360
and you want to because for me something that really

782
00:40:27.360 --> 00:40:31.159
affected me having Arnold. Usually if I felt a bit

783
00:40:31.239 --> 00:40:33.280
flat in my life, if I had a moment where

784
00:40:33.280 --> 00:40:36.920
I felt just unmotivated, what I would do is go

785
00:40:36.960 --> 00:40:39.159
for a walk or move my body and the physiology

786
00:40:39.719 --> 00:40:42.840
changing my physiology would give me a boost of endorphins

787
00:40:43.039 --> 00:40:45.480
and give my brain that hit and then I would

788
00:40:45.519 --> 00:40:48.159
feel better. But what do you do when you're at

789
00:40:48.159 --> 00:40:50.480
home with a baby and I couldn't move and I

790
00:40:50.480 --> 00:40:54.599
couldn't give myself that endorphin hit that my coping mechanisms

791
00:40:54.639 --> 00:40:58.599
had changed. Yes, so I started to do tiffecso in

792
00:40:58.639 --> 00:41:02.320
the living room, which helped, but also that was after

793
00:41:02.400 --> 00:41:05.519
six weeks. But before six weeks, if you want to

794
00:41:05.559 --> 00:41:07.800
start moving, you can walk, which is great with the

795
00:41:07.800 --> 00:41:11.440
fresh air but also the pelvic floor. I urge all

796
00:41:11.559 --> 00:41:14.440
moms out there to do what they can to if

797
00:41:14.480 --> 00:41:17.320
you can afford it, find a really good women's health

798
00:41:17.320 --> 00:41:21.119
physio and start working that pelvic floor. You feel good

799
00:41:21.199 --> 00:41:25.679
once your pelvic floor is back, and just giving your

800
00:41:25.719 --> 00:41:30.440
love and the time, because if that issues happen around

801
00:41:30.440 --> 00:41:33.840
a prolay can be really bad psychologically you never get

802
00:41:33.840 --> 00:41:37.280
back into fitness. It's just builds and builds and builds.

803
00:41:37.440 --> 00:41:40.559
So looking after your pelvic floor is number one. I say, I.

804
00:41:40.519 --> 00:41:44.239
Had a cesarean actually, so I had again a long

805
00:41:44.280 --> 00:41:46.760
time that I couldn't do anything. Yes, don't lift anything

806
00:41:46.760 --> 00:41:50.679
heavier than your baby, don't drive a car, so that's

807
00:41:50.719 --> 00:41:51.679
really limiting as well.

808
00:41:51.800 --> 00:41:52.679
Yeah, absolutely.

809
00:41:52.719 --> 00:41:54.440
And you know when there's things to be done and

810
00:41:54.480 --> 00:41:56.280
you feel like you can't do anything, you just have

811
00:41:56.360 --> 00:42:00.440
to take the pressure off. Isn't it a message pressure

812
00:42:00.519 --> 00:42:03.639
off Lower? Well, I always say lower, but you manage

813
00:42:03.639 --> 00:42:06.800
your expectations about what you will get done in a

814
00:42:06.920 --> 00:42:10.960
day and take the pressure off everything. I think I

815
00:42:11.000 --> 00:42:13.559
wanted to mention briefly to this idea, this pressure to

816
00:42:13.559 --> 00:42:17.519
be the perfect parent, because and again everybody's got an opinion,

817
00:42:17.920 --> 00:42:20.000
and we put I think a lot of women. The

818
00:42:20.039 --> 00:42:21.920
problem is we do everything else in our life so

819
00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:25.000
well that we anticipate that we'll do parenting really well.

820
00:42:25.199 --> 00:42:29.440
But that there's a phrase that came out of you know,

821
00:42:29.519 --> 00:42:31.840
developmental psychologist back in the oh I don't remember, in

822
00:42:31.880 --> 00:42:34.039
our sixties. Donald Winnicott is his name, and it came

823
00:42:34.119 --> 00:42:36.519
up with this concept of the good enough parent. And

824
00:42:36.559 --> 00:42:39.119
I tell that to everybody, all the mumps that I

825
00:42:39.159 --> 00:42:41.719
speak to, all the mumps that I meet. What we

826
00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:45.360
are going for here is good enough parenting. You don't

827
00:42:45.440 --> 00:42:48.039
have to be the perfect parent attending. Oh yes, you

828
00:42:48.079 --> 00:42:49.639
need to attend to your baby. Of course, you need

829
00:42:49.679 --> 00:42:53.639
to attend to your baby's needs. But let go of

830
00:42:53.639 --> 00:42:57.960
that perfectionist idea about parenting because a lot of the

831
00:42:58.000 --> 00:43:01.639
mood stuff and the challenge we face, these expectations we

832
00:43:01.719 --> 00:43:02.599
place on ourselves.

833
00:43:02.920 --> 00:43:05.000
It is so hard. It is so hard. And I

834
00:43:05.079 --> 00:43:08.719
even went into you know, having Arnold, and I wanted

835
00:43:08.880 --> 00:43:12.199
him to always be dressed perfectly, and you know, but

836
00:43:12.280 --> 00:43:15.079
then he had refluxed, so he's vomiting all day, and

837
00:43:15.599 --> 00:43:18.400
the washing was piling up, and I was so embarrassed

838
00:43:18.400 --> 00:43:20.400
about how much washing I had to do. I didn't

839
00:43:20.440 --> 00:43:21.440
want people to come over.

840
00:43:21.639 --> 00:43:22.679
We've heard about your showers.

841
00:43:22.840 --> 00:43:26.679
Yeah, exactly, I didn't. I was too embarrassed to ask

842
00:43:26.760 --> 00:43:28.880
for help because that would mean someone would come to

843
00:43:28.920 --> 00:43:35.480
the house see the washing, and I would like die mortified, mortified.

844
00:43:35.760 --> 00:43:38.639
So you know, you do have to reach out for help. Say,

845
00:43:39.159 --> 00:43:42.239
you know, laundry is a mess. Actually there's laundry all

846
00:43:42.239 --> 00:43:45.320
over the house. Yes, you know, And but I need

847
00:43:45.360 --> 00:43:46.639
help take the pressure off.

848
00:43:46.679 --> 00:43:49.039
Yeah, asking for help is so important, and I just

849
00:43:49.079 --> 00:43:51.880
think we don't do it enough in any area of life, actually,

850
00:43:51.960 --> 00:43:53.079
but especially.

851
00:43:52.599 --> 00:43:56.000
With I won't forget. I will never forget. One of

852
00:43:56.000 --> 00:44:00.519
my closest friends. She heard in my voice that something right.

853
00:44:00.960 --> 00:44:02.840
She sent me a text and said, there's something on

854
00:44:02.880 --> 00:44:06.800
your doorstep and it was freshly made homemade rocky road

855
00:44:07.480 --> 00:44:12.840
and a beautiful beef, you know, slow cooked meal with bread.

856
00:44:13.159 --> 00:44:16.559
And she had thought of everything, condiments, everything in a basket.

857
00:44:17.159 --> 00:44:19.159
And I say, if you want to do something for

858
00:44:19.199 --> 00:44:22.519
a new mum, bring them food, Send them food. Don't

859
00:44:22.559 --> 00:44:24.519
go into the house to say it's on the front door,

860
00:44:24.800 --> 00:44:28.199
you know, perfect, because yeah it perfect.

861
00:44:28.400 --> 00:44:30.039
I always say too. Like things that you can do

862
00:44:30.079 --> 00:44:33.320
to help are like order a nappy service, send in

863
00:44:33.360 --> 00:44:37.719
a cleaner or send food. But anything that takes some

864
00:44:37.760 --> 00:44:41.079
of that load off is really helpful, especially in those

865
00:44:41.119 --> 00:44:41.840
early days.

866
00:44:42.000 --> 00:44:44.280
Yeah, it's so difficult, but if you can get some

867
00:44:44.320 --> 00:44:47.199
fresh air, ask for help, see a professional.

868
00:44:48.239 --> 00:44:49.639
And I would say too. And I just want to

869
00:44:49.679 --> 00:44:52.519
throw this in right at the end, to not necessarily

870
00:44:52.599 --> 00:44:56.280
be scared of medication if medication is indicated, okay, because

871
00:44:56.440 --> 00:44:59.320
and I'm not a doctor, I obviously don't prescribe medication,

872
00:44:59.400 --> 00:45:02.360
but I have across women who resist it. They fear

873
00:45:02.360 --> 00:45:05.840
that it will affect the breastfeeding, or they just have

874
00:45:05.840 --> 00:45:10.199
an aversion to taking any sort of medication. And it's

875
00:45:10.199 --> 00:45:13.000
not for everybody, and some people can get through fine

876
00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:14.960
without it, but I have known so many mums who

877
00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:18.440
when they finally actually relent and they say, Okay, maybe

878
00:45:18.480 --> 00:45:20.360
I need to take something to get me through the

879
00:45:20.400 --> 00:45:23.280
worst part of this, they will often say, I just

880
00:45:23.679 --> 00:45:25.800
wish I had not resisted it for as long as

881
00:45:25.880 --> 00:45:28.719
I did, because I didn't realize that I didn't have

882
00:45:28.800 --> 00:45:30.840
to suffer as much as I was. Like, they actually

883
00:45:30.880 --> 00:45:34.079
don't even realize how much they were suffering until they're

884
00:45:34.119 --> 00:45:38.719
not anymore. So I always just say keep an open mind.

885
00:45:39.000 --> 00:45:40.119
With that sort of thing.

886
00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:42.840
And with that, you have to look after mum because

887
00:45:42.880 --> 00:45:45.320
there's so much emphasis on the new baby and you

888
00:45:45.400 --> 00:45:48.119
have this baby and everyone comes over to see the baby,

889
00:45:48.119 --> 00:45:50.320
see the baby. How's a baby? How's a baby?

890
00:45:50.320 --> 00:45:51.800
But how how's mum?

891
00:45:51.800 --> 00:45:52.440
How's mum?

892
00:45:52.480 --> 00:45:53.679
And mum?

893
00:45:53.880 --> 00:45:56.239
You need some time and it's not selfish to take

894
00:45:56.280 --> 00:45:58.519
a me moment or even if you don't have time

895
00:45:58.559 --> 00:46:01.920
for me time and looking after yourself, whether that's a

896
00:46:01.960 --> 00:46:06.039
five minute home workout or cooking yourself a healthy meal

897
00:46:06.079 --> 00:46:09.239
and not just grabbing snacks or eating cereal out of

898
00:46:09.239 --> 00:46:12.320
the packet like I was for dinner because I didn't

899
00:46:12.320 --> 00:46:15.480
have time to cook. You know. After a few weeks

900
00:46:15.559 --> 00:46:17.760
in with Arnold, I said, that's it, Tiffany. You're not

901
00:46:17.960 --> 00:46:20.360
eating like this. You're going to go back to eating

902
00:46:20.559 --> 00:46:23.599
good nutrition for your milk, for your baby, for your mindset,

903
00:46:23.639 --> 00:46:27.519
for your hormones, you know. And that wasn't selfish, even

904
00:46:27.559 --> 00:46:30.079
though I felt I felt guilty about it. Yeah, you know,

905
00:46:30.360 --> 00:46:32.559
so take some time off and do what works.

906
00:46:32.639 --> 00:46:35.920
Yeah. And if you've got honestly and create a if

907
00:46:35.960 --> 00:46:37.480
you've got family, A lot of people.

908
00:46:37.239 --> 00:46:38.880
Don't have family, Some people don't.

909
00:46:39.079 --> 00:46:42.880
Yeah, and that interstate or that's an indicator or not

910
00:46:42.920 --> 00:46:46.199
an indicator, that's a risk factor for depression post natally.

911
00:46:46.480 --> 00:46:48.400
So if you've had history of depression in the past,

912
00:46:48.599 --> 00:46:50.559
if you don't have a lot of support, if you

913
00:46:50.599 --> 00:46:53.119
have tended to be very kind of high achieving, perfectionist,

914
00:46:53.440 --> 00:46:57.480
then these are all in risk factors for depression. So

915
00:46:57.760 --> 00:47:01.760
if you can create a commit if there are people

916
00:47:01.760 --> 00:47:04.000
around you, tap into those resources.

917
00:47:04.039 --> 00:47:06.519
It does take a village to raise a child, and

918
00:47:06.760 --> 00:47:09.199
these days we don't have that village, so you do

919
00:47:09.320 --> 00:47:12.320
have to reach out. We hope that helps you listen.

920
00:47:13.280 --> 00:47:17.599
Tears and all casts, thank you so much. That really

921
00:47:17.599 --> 00:47:21.360
helped me great and I hope that helps you listener.

922
00:47:21.760 --> 00:47:24.360
So next episode we're going to be talking about how

923
00:47:24.400 --> 00:47:28.880
to be more resilient, bouncing back after you've had a failure.

924
00:47:28.840 --> 00:47:32.320
Or a setback or a disappointment.

925
00:47:32.320 --> 00:47:34.159
A disappointment, we'll talk to you soon.

926
00:47:40.280 --> 00:47:43.000
Crappy to Happy is presented by Cast Doune, produced by

927
00:47:43.079 --> 00:47:43.760
Dave's Vilenski.

928
00:47:44.079 --> 00:47:45.920
Audio production by Darcy Thompson.

929
00:47:51.159 --> 00:47:51.599
Listener