May 14, 2025

Reconnecting in Relationships: How to Bridge the Emotional Gap

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Feeling disconnected in relationships is a theme that's been surfacing a lot lately in my coaching sessions, and I think it’s something that many of us can relate to. In this episode, I dive into the common struggles women face in long-term partnerships, particularly the sense of not being heard or satisfied.

We explore the importance of owning our part in relationship dynamics while also recognising when our emotional needs aren’t being met. I share insights on how to navigate those tough conversations that can feel daunting but are essential for connection. Ultimately, we discuss the deeper emotional issues behind surface-level complaints and how reconnecting with a shared vision for the future can reignite the spark in a relationship.

So, if you're feeling a bit lost or disconnected, this episode just might offer some helpful perspectives.Takeaways:

Feeling disconnected in relationships is a common theme that many women experience, especially in long-term partnerships, and it's important to address this.
To improve your relationship, it's crucial to understand your own emotional patterns and responsibilities without self-judgement or blame.
Effective communication requires clarity about what you want to achieve from difficult conversations, focusing on positive intentions rather than complaints.
Deep emotional needs often underlie surface complaints about behaviour; recognising and expressing these needs is essential for resolving relationship issues.

You might also want to check out these episodes:

Cracking the Code on Relationships with Dr Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples
https://www.crappytohappypod.com/cracking-the-code-on-relationships-with-dr-sue-johnson/

The Key to Successful Relationships with Dr Ann Kelley
https://www.crappytohappypod.com/the-key-to-successful-relationships-with-dr-ann-kelley/

Connect with Cass:

www.cassdunn.com
www.instagram.com/cassdunn_xo

Contact Crappy to Happy:

Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
www.crappytohappypod.com
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod
www.tiktok.com/@crappytohappypod

Are you a coach, therapist, service provider or solopreneur struggling with self-doubt and imposter syndrome? I'd love to talk to you! (for market research purposes only!)

Book a call with me to share your experience.

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Chapters

00:00 - Untitled

01:01 - Untitled

01:01 - Introduction to Crappy to Happy

09:37 - Taking Responsibility for Change in Relationships

12:22 - Understanding Emotional Needs in Relationships

17:53 - Navigating Difficult Conversations in Relationships

24:56 - Navigating Relationship Dynamics and Shared Visions

Transcript

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This is Crappya Happy, and I am your host, Cas Doune.

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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher

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and of course author of the Crappita Happy books. In

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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent

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people who are experts in their field and who have

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something of value to share that will help you feel

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less crappy.

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And more happy.

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Oh, welcome back to another episode of Crappy to Happy.

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We've got a theme happening at the moment, or should

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I say I've got a bit of a theme happening

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with my private coaching clients. And when there's a theme

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happening with my private coaching clients, it's always as signed

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to me that I should talk about it because if

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all these people are experiencing a similar thing, then maybe

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it is something that you're also experiencing, and that theme

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is feeling disconnected in relationships. Repeatedly over the last few weeks,

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I have had conversations with my coaching slash therapy clients

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because it's a little coaching, a lot of therapy, who

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are women who have been in long term relationships and

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who are finding themselves not feeling heard, feeling very disconnected,

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feeling dissatisfied really with the quality of the relationship. And remember,

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these are women who are investing in themselves, so they

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are not just looking to blame their partner for their problems.

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They are actively working on their own emotional regulation, on

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healing their own old wounds, on taking responsibility for how

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they're showing up in life, and learning to be better

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able to regulate themselves, to be more self aware, to

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pursue their own interests, pursue their own social connections, hobbies,

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passion projects, businesses, whatever it might be. Here's the women

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who are really doing the work. And maybe that's the

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reason that they are then realizing that actually this partnership

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that I'm in is not really doing it for me,

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Like there's a gap here, there's a disconnect. I'm not

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feeling like I'm getting my needs mat And that's really

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painful place to be, especially when you are at a

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point in life where we don't want to be single again.

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This is the person you imagine that you were growing

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old with. You don't want to be leaving the relationship,

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but something needs to change, something needs to be fixed.

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It means having difficult conversations, and of course, then when

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you have difficult conversations, you bump up against all of

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that person's all of your partner's unresolved issues. You very

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quickly learn how emotionally mature or not your partner is

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when you start to raise issues, want to have conversation,

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and I'm met with maybe stone walling, silence, passive aggressiveness,

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just not being heard, being dismissed, having them turn things

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around and blame you, whatever the situation might be like.

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You soon learn whether your partner has got the emotional

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maturity and the emotional regulation skills and the capacity to

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be able to have these conversations and work with you.

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And if they don't, well.

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Then that raises a whole other cat to worms, doesn't it,

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Because it's not your job to fix them, and it's

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not in your control whether your partner is going to

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choose to take responsibility for doing that work themselves. So

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I can't promise to fix your marriage in one podcast episode,

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but maybe what I can share with you is just

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some ideas and some suggestions for you to think about.

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I don't know you, or your situation or the issues

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that you're dealing with, or the state of your marriage

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or your partnership. But I think there are some general

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guidelines or just some general helpful ideas to take on

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board that might just help you to know what your

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next step is or how you might go about navigating

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the conversations that you might want to have if you

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find yourself in this situation. So I guess the very

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first thing, like I said earlier, is when I'm talking

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to clients of mine, I know them and we have

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been working together, so I already have a sense. We've

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already discussed what their own emotional patterns are, what their

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personal history is, what their core wounds are, what triggers them,

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how they go into emotional shutdown or they get defense.

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So we've worked on that together, and in some cases,

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you know, we've been actively doing the work to resolve

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those issues so that they don't keep going falling into

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those same patterns. I don't know you personally, maybe I do,

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but it's really helpful for you to have some understanding

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of that yourself. Know that about yourself first and foremost,

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know what your own patterns are. Are you the one

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who tends to shut down and keep it all bottled

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up inside you and stew when you're feeling unhappy with

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something that your partner's done. Are you the one who

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expects them to be a mind reader when you haven't

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actually told them what's wrong, and then you're furious that

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they haven't asked you what's wrong when you're stomping around

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the house, Like, we all have these old habits and

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patterns that we fall into. So doing that work yourself

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to understand your own patterns with no judgment, with no

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self judgment, Like we're all just walking around these with

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all of these conditioned responses, these patterns that we've fallen into,

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that we've by this stage of life, we've been doing

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these things over and over for years, and you know,

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we've talked about there's wounded parts and there's protective parts,

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and there's work that we can all do there to

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heal and resolve some of those patterns that they don't

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keep playing out. So taking that responsibility yourself, I guess,

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is what I'm saying first and forem just being prepared

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to own that and maybe to do the work that

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you need to do now, Which is not to say

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that you should take all of the responsibility for every

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issue in your relationship, but it is important to own

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your share, you know, and you're not expected to be

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a whole, healed, perfect person either. In order to be

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able to have a happy, connected, satisfying relationship with somebody,

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you don't have to have done all the work and

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be this perfectly fully healed fantasy version of yourself, which

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is probably never going to exist.

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You get what I'm saying.

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It's just about being able to say, okay, you know,

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maybe that bit was on me, or maybe I could

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have communicated that a little bit better. Or maybe I

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have never spoken out loud about the things that bother me,

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or maybe I do get a little bit defensive at times,

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and maybe I react badly to things.

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Now here's one.

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Maybe this is the role that I've been playing for

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our whole the duration of our relationship. I've been the

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dutiful caregiver, nurturer, wife, mother, whatever, you know. I've been

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subjugating my own needs, down playing my preferences, desires, opinions.

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I've let my partner run the show called shots, make

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the decisions, take the lead. We've always done what they

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want to do. But now I don't like that anymore.

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But I've got to take responsibility for the fact that

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I've played this part for all of this time. There

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was a time that maybe I thought this served me.

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Maybe there was a time that I felt like this

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was just the way things are, or this was the

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way I felt I had to be, or is how I.

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Was conditioned to be.

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I thought this was the easier option, This was the

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way that I keep the peace and keep things harmonious.

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Like I thought that was just simpler. Had a great

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conversation with Michelle McQuaid on this topic. She came on

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and talked about good Girl Syndrome, and she talked about

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her own marriage. In our paid community, we had a

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private call with her and she talked about her own

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marriage and how you know, she had just continued to

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do that for her whole marriage until she reached a

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point where she was like, you know what, Yes, this

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isn't satisfying for me anymore. I can't continue to do

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that this and I gave my partner opportunities to step

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up and to change the dynamic and do things differently,

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but ultimately he wasn't able to do that, and so

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we kind of freely let each other go. You know,

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I am happier, he's happier, and we are still great mates.

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We co parent, we're very amicable, we're just happier apart.

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So just being willing to own your responsibility, I guess

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is the number one point. I think the next thing

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is getting really clear about what it is that you

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want to be different in the relationship, what's missing? What specifically,

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if things could change, if there was a magic wand

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and this relationship was all that you wanted to be,

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what would be different. Having some sense of that, I

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think is really helpful. One thing that we often really

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get wrong when we talk about a relationship conflict and

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healing and resolving issues in relationships, and even if you

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go off to see a therapist, oftentimes what gets brought up.

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The issues that get brought up are to do with behaviors.

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You don't spend enough time with me, we don't do

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enough things together when we're in social situations, I feel ignored,

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or we don't really have anything to talk about besides

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the kids. It's all this kind of it's important stuff,

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but it's focused on what's happening in the external. It's

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focused on the behavior patterns, the dynamics that play out,

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Like I feel like I'm not supported, you're not helping

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out enough with kids or home or housework, or the

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expectations you have of me are unrealistic or unreasonable. You

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see more focused on your work or your mates than

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you are on me and us and the relationship. I

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don't like the way you talk to the kids. I

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don't like how angry you get. You know, we're on

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a different page when it comes to to parenting decisions.

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All this sort of thing, right, which is all valid. Typically,

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what is really the issue is something much deeper than that.

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Whatever complaint that you have about a behavior, it is

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really speaking to a deeper emotional need that is.

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Not being met.

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And expressing a deep emotional need that's not being met

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is very vulnerable, and people will, even in intimate relationships,

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even in your marriage, people feel really uncomfortable expressing a deep,

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unmet emotional need. It feels really scary and vulnerable, and

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so people will avoid talking about their scary vulnerability and

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instead focus on you. Never come home straight away after

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football golf, I don't know whatever. You're too preoccupied with work.

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I feel like you know you're not there and you're

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not present. You're not connected when we're sitting and we're

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having dinner you're on your phone, whatever. It might be

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all these behaviors, right, but it's not the behavior. It

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is that something is missing. I do not feel emotionally seen, heard, understood.

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I don't feel valued, appreciated. I feel rejected, I feel sad,

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I feel unattractive, I feel lost, I feel alone. I

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feel like you've got this great life and I don't

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have anything. I feel pathetic whatever. Like that stuff's hard.

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That stuff's much harder to share, and it's especially much

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harder to share with somebody that you don't feel like

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you're emotionally connecting with.

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You're not necessarily feeling safe with this person.

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You're not necessarily like, yeah, they're there, they're familiar that

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you're there every day and you're not really fighting and

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you're not you know, there's no conflict there known the

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most of your adult life, you know a lot of

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the time, or for many years, but there's not that

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emotional intimacy there that feels safe and that you feel

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like you can really express that and have that land

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and have that be received in a way that will

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be heard and held and responded to in a way

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that is positive, so that you do feel supported and connected.

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So it's a big scary risk to put something like

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that out there when you don't know what you're going

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to get back, which is why mostly you don't say it,

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and so mostly you just focus on you never come home.

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And then they say, well, what is there to come

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home to? You're only watching Real Housewives anyway, So what

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is even the point? We're not even doing anything together,

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so what does it matter? And why do you stop?

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Why don't you stop nagging me? And blah blah blah

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blah blah.

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You see what I'm saying, missing the point.

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If we're talking about the behaviors, you can say I

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want us to do more things together on the weekend,

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But what you really mean is I want us to

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I want you to want to be with me.

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I want you to choose me. I want you to want.

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To spend quality time with me and us to have

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a good time together. I want us to be able

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to talk about things that are actually meaningful.

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In that matter, I.

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Want to be able to express how I feel about

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something or how hurt I am, and for you to

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actually hear me and respond to that. That's really important,

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and sometimes that requires a couple's therapist to help to

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facilitate that conversation so that it does feel safe. If

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you are to choose to go and see a couple's therapists,

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then I would make sure that you find somebody who

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has experience in a more emotionally focused way of approaching

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couple's therapy, because many couple's therapists, I mean, I don't know,

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I've been out of the industry for a really long time,

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but you know, a lot of couple's therapists are probably

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going to talk about your communication skills and are probably

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going to talk about how you work in more spending

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more time together. And sometimes sometimes that's missing the point.

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Sometimes that's not really getting to it at all. So

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then I think the next thing is once you are

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really clear about what it is that you want to

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be different, once you are also very clear and willing

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to own your own part in this without taking all

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the responsibility, but willing to take your share of the

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responsibility when you decide, if you decide that you need

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to approach your partner to have a conversation about this,

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you want to talk about this, and you want to

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resolve things, you want to improve things.

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First tip, I.

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Think it's really important that you're very clear about what

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your objective is in having that conversation, Like when you

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raise this issue, that you know what it is that

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you want to get out of the conversation. I would

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say that about any important conversation, whether it's in the

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workplace or whether it's with a friend or a family member, Like,

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you want to be really clear about what your objective is,

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so you kind of know what you're asking for. That

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you're not just going in to raise a complaint, whether

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you think that that's what you're doing is raising a complaint,

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you know, if there's a chance it's going to just

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be received as a complaint, if it's just going to

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be heard as a complaint and have somebody the other

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person become defensive about it, which again is not entirely

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your responsibility. You don't need to own that, but I

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just mean to know what it is that you want

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to get out of the conversation. What's your positive intention?

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What is your positive intention and having this conversation. You

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don't want to just offload. You don't want to be wins.

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You don't want to just complain about how shit everything

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is and what a terrible person they are and how

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unhappy you are. Because that's not going to be well received.

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We probably know that we don't have to be a

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couple therapists to know that that's usually not well received.

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What is your positive intention? What is the positive outcome

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that you're looking for? And it doesn't have to be

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you want to transform the whole relationship. It might just

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be that you want the outcome of this first conversation

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is to be able to allocate some time to have

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another conversation, Like that really could be it?

284
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Do you want to raise it?

285
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There's some things that you want to talk about or

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some things that you want to work on together, and

287
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could you just make some time we can be undisturbed.

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Like maybe that's the outcome or the objective of the

289
00:15:42.600 --> 00:15:45.679
first conversation. So when you're going into the conversation, you

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00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:48.279
know what it is that you're wanting to achieve that

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is positive. The key thing in this is to be

292
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cultivating trust, fostering a sense of trust and togetherness, like

293
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we're in this together. This is not me against you,

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this is our relationship, this is our family, this is

295
00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:09.240
our future. So if we want this to be different,

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it is for the benefit of both of us. And

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00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:14.480
that's what I'm here for I'm here to try to

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make this better for both of us. I'm willing to

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00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:20.600
own my part in it, but I'm also needing you

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to come to the table and own your own part

301
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in it. But we're not saying that in an accusatory way,

302
00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:28.879
which is coming in with a positive intention and coming

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in with the shared goal, right, and the shared goal

304
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I mean, to be honest, the shared goal. The outcome

305
00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:36.960
might be that you don't want to be in this relationship.

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I'm saying all of this with the assumption that you do.

307
00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:42.639
It actually might be that you don't, And it actually

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might be that the outcome that you're looking for is

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to get you both on the same page, that you

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would both be happier not in this relationship anymore. And

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if that's your decision, you know you you're entitled to

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make that decision, but you might just want to be

313
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really hopeful that you can get to that so that

314
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it's a shared understanding and that you can both agree

315
00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:03.200
that that's the best outcome. Instead of feeling like you're

316
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pulling the rug out from underneath somebody, you know, you

317
00:17:06.119 --> 00:17:09.519
might want to really be trying to facilitate getting you

318
00:17:09.559 --> 00:17:14.079
both on the same page with that being the best outcome.

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So maybe that's the intention of the conversation.

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And I'll just say.

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On that point, by the way, I truly believe that

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you are going to get a better outcome if you

323
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are comfortable within yourself that you could live without this

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relationship wouldn't be what you want, maybe wouldn't be what

325
00:17:33.640 --> 00:17:36.480
you would choose necessarily, but that you would be willing

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to walk away if that is what is going to

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be the best thing for you. I think if you're

328
00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:45.680
going too a conversation like this, knowing within yourself, whether

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you say it out loud or not doesn't matter, but

330
00:17:48.160 --> 00:17:51.319
knowing within yourself that if the outcome is that this

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is not redeemable, this relationship can't be saved, that you

332
00:17:54.720 --> 00:17:58.400
would be accepting of it being over. And the reason

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00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:01.720
I say that is because when you're comfortable with that,

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like when you're comfortable that I might need to walk

335
00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:06.200
away from this to be happy, it means that if

336
00:18:06.200 --> 00:18:09.200
you stay, it's because you choose to stay, It's because

337
00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:10.880
you choose to say not because you think there's no

338
00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:13.400
other option. If you think this is there is no

339
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other option, if you're in this situation or if you're

340
00:18:16.519 --> 00:18:19.680
approaching this conversation or if you are wondering what to

341
00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:23.200
do about how you feel, which is not happy, and

342
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in your mind, separating is not an option. Divorce is

343
00:18:26.680 --> 00:18:29.079
not an option. It's off the table that can't happen.

344
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Unwilling to go there, you're in a pretty compromise situation.

345
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Like you're going to be much more likely to make

346
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a whole lot of compromises and to put up with

347
00:18:37.119 --> 00:18:40.119
a whole lot of stuff that is maybe not going

348
00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:42.880
to be in your best interest because you're afraid of

349
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the alternative. You're afraid of risking the relationship. If you're

350
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willing to risk the relationship, then you're much more likely

351
00:18:50.640 --> 00:18:54.720
to raise all the issues, have all the hard conversations,

352
00:18:55.400 --> 00:19:00.799
really get some proper change, you know, some meaningful change

353
00:19:01.240 --> 00:19:04.880
in the dynamic of the relationship, so that ultimately you

354
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feel happy to stay and that you choose to stay

355
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and make it work. Now, Look, I don't know, Maybe

356
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there'll be some people who disagree with me on that.

357
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Maybe some people who've got very strong Christian values who

358
00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:17.519
like you know, you don't get divorced. You've got to

359
00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:18.920
stick in there. You're going to hang in there and

360
00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:20.799
you've got to make it work, like otherwise, too many

361
00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:23.119
people just walk away these days, too many people just

362
00:19:23.160 --> 00:19:26.279
throw it in and marriage means nothing anymore. Well, you know,

363
00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:30.119
there's arguments for marriage being a really outdated, antiquated institution

364
00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:33.640
which probably has run its course. I don't know, but

365
00:19:33.720 --> 00:19:36.480
I think that hole just staying in it, sticking it

366
00:19:36.519 --> 00:19:39.200
out because it's the done thing, because that's what you're

367
00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:42.200
supposed to do, and because that's what your family expects

368
00:19:42.200 --> 00:19:45.119
and your church expects, and your friends expect, and you

369
00:19:45.119 --> 00:19:48.279
don't want to be that person to walk away from

370
00:19:48.279 --> 00:19:51.319
your marriage, Like I feel like that really puts you

371
00:19:51.400 --> 00:19:54.759
in a compromise situation where you are much less likely

372
00:19:54.799 --> 00:19:59.279
to really fight for and advocate for and stand up

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for the changes that you want to see that are

374
00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:05.720
going to make you the happiest and most satisfied that

375
00:20:05.759 --> 00:20:08.240
you can be in that relationship.

376
00:20:08.559 --> 00:20:10.839
You also know, the two of you both.

377
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:13.680
Know that you were there because you choose to be,

378
00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:16.640
not because you feel like you're stuck there, Not because

379
00:20:16.680 --> 00:20:18.440
you feel like this is your lot in life and

380
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:19.920
you've just got to suck it up and you've just

381
00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:22.720
got to make it work. Because that's not really the

382
00:20:22.759 --> 00:20:26.400
grounds for a happy, satisfying relationship. Is it like that's just,

383
00:20:27.519 --> 00:20:30.799
oh well, there's no reason there to advocate for change.

384
00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:33.319
If you're just in it for the long haul, What

385
00:20:33.559 --> 00:20:36.599
motivation is there? I don't know, Like there's nothing to

386
00:20:36.680 --> 00:20:40.000
risk losing because you know that you're not going anywhere anyway.

387
00:20:40.160 --> 00:20:43.359
That's a philosophical debate we can have some other time.

388
00:20:43.559 --> 00:20:45.720
I just feel like, even in your own mind, if

389
00:20:45.720 --> 00:20:47.240
you feel like you would be willing to walk away,

390
00:20:47.319 --> 00:20:48.799
it means that if you stay, it's going to be

391
00:20:48.799 --> 00:20:50.680
because you choose to, and it'see your life and you

392
00:20:50.680 --> 00:20:52.799
only get one. I guess when you have that conversation

393
00:20:52.839 --> 00:20:55.519
with your partner too, Then once you do start that

394
00:20:55.640 --> 00:20:59.799
interaction and that dialogue, it's really important to just observe

395
00:21:00.119 --> 00:21:04.039
the dynamic in the exchange. Now, this is potentially a

396
00:21:04.160 --> 00:21:10.880

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