June 27, 2024
Setting Goals: What do you want and WHY do you want it?
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In this solo episode, Cass discusses the importance of goal-setting, but understanding why you want the things you want when you're aspiring to achieve or create something in your life. She talks about the trap of attaching your happiness to a goal or outcome, and offers some tips for how you can overcome that.Cass also discusses the concept of "memetic desire", which is when social trends influence your goals, causing you to aspire to things that aren't aligned with your authentic desires or values, potentially leading to dissatisfaction, negative comparison and feeling behind in life.
If you're thinking about what you want to achieve in the second half of 2024, be sure to give this ep a listen.
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Transcript
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This is Crappya Happy, and I am your host, Cas Dunn.
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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist. I'm mindfulness meditation teacher
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and of course author of the Crappia Happy books. In
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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent
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people who are experts in their field and who have
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something of value to share that will help you feel
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less crappy and more happy. Hello and welcome to another
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solo episode of Crappy to Happy. This week, I want
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to talk about goals and why we want what we want.
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I'm going to try and keep this quite short and sweet,
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but I have been thinking about this a lot lately.
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I am a coach, as many people know, I started
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life coaching over twenty years ago. I have then become
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a clinical psychologist. I have a master's in coaching psychology,
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so I've worked across the spectrum of coaching and therapy
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for many years now. And you know, coaching is all
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about creating goals. And there's loads of research that says
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that having goals, setting goals, and working towards them is
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really good for you. Like, it's really good for your
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well being, even if you're like a bit of an
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anti goal kind of a person. And I have definitely
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gone through those stages myself, and I am a little
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bit scattered and distractable, so I'm not that great at
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sticking to what I say I'm going to do. That's
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a whole other story, says the life Coach. But it
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is really important to kind of have some sense of
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the direction that you're going in, and we all know
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that if you don't do that, then it is very
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easy to just kind of go with the flow of
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life and end up going down a path that you
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hadn't really necessarily intended to because you didn't actually have
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any clear intention about where you wanted to be. So
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all a goal does is really give you a sense
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of direction. And it is not to say that you
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are then locked in to something that things can't change,
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that you can't change your mind or unexpected circumstances pop
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up and life takes you in a different direction. But
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it is really helpful to then kind of reorient yourself
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and decide what it is that you want in the
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new kind of world. If that has happened to you,
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it just gives you something to work towards, you know,
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and we humans are kind of driven to evolve and
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grow and develop mastery and to have some sense of
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purpose and meaning and contribution and having some idea of
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where we're headed can help us with that. Anyway, I
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don't want to go down all of that path and
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convince you of the value of goals. That could potentially
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be another topic. But what I did want to talk
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about is the question of why we choose the things
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that we choose when we think about goals. I think
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this is an important conversation and I want to talk
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about two different but related aspects of this. So one
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is what it is when you set a goal for yourself,
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and it could be in your career. It could be finances,
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could be health, could be your weight, could be what
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you want for your family, or travel or personal development, skills,
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hobbies that you pursue, upskilling in different areas as anything
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like that you can pursue. But the question is what
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is the feeling that you perceive you are going to
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have when you achieve the goal. So if you set
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us a goal to achieve a particular level in your career,
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or to achieve a certain level of financial well being
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of financial independence, you know, money goals, career goals, weight goals,
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health goals, whatever it is that you're working towards. I
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think it can be really useful to ask yourself, and
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as a coach, I've always asked my clients this, what
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is the feeling that you believe you're going to get?
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How is it going to feel when you achieve the goal?
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Like what is it that you perceive that that goal
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is going to give you? Because anytime you're pursuing a
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goal and you're thinking about, yeah, i'd love that, that
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would be really amazing, that would make me feel so
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satisfied and proud, But there's something more than that, and
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typically what it is going to give us is a
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feeling of freedom, of happiness, of inner piece of safety, security.
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So whatever it is that you are working towards, and
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if you haven't thought about this for a while, it
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can be really useful to even start to spend a
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bit of time thinking about where am I headed in life?
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Am I just coasting going to work each day doing
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the things that I do each day, managing my house,
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managing my kids, my relationship, you know, all of that
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sort of stuff. Like it's very very easy to just
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be busy doing the day to day of life without
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ever giving a whole lot of thought to where might
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I want to be in a year's time or two
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years time or five years time, like where is all
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this headed? You might have some vague kind of notion
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of what you would like for your future, but it
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can be really helpful to take that vague notion I
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love a fuzzy kind of vision of the future, and
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wind that back, reverse engineer that a little bit and
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bring it back down to something that's quite concrete that
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you can work towards. It can just give you kind
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of a bit of a spring in your step, a
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bit of motivation and inspiration to take certain actions or
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change certain behaviors if you have a sense of this
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leading to something bigger and desirable in your future. So
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if you haven't thought about goals for a bit, have
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a think about where you're headed, what you want, and
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then ask yourself, what is the feeling that that's going
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to give me? And the reason that I think that
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this is important is because for many people, and this
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is what really struck me. When I first trained as
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a coach and I started working with people closely towards
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achieving their goals, what I began to notice was that
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when I would ask people as a way of motivating
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them and as a way of getting them really invested
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in doing what needs to be done to achieve the
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thing that they're working towards, we would talk a lot
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about evoking emotion and what's it going to feel like
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when you achieve this thing, and people can often very
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readily tap into that feeling. But the problem that I found,
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which caused me to just rethink everything, to be honest,
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was that all of these people were attaching their happiness
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to the goal they There was a story running, even
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if it wasn't conscious. There was this kind of idea
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that when I get the goal, that's when I'll be
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able to feel free and peaceful and happy and successful
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and proud and confident and safe and secure, Like when
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I get that, that's going to be great, Like it's
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going to be amazing, and this is how I'm going
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to feel. But while that's great for motivation, what it
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does is it implies that none of those feelings are
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available to you now, and that all of my happiness
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and wellbeing is on the other side of achieving that goal,
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which kind of just leads to this, yes, motivation, but
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also this feeling of lack of dissatisfaction with where we're
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at right now, and then the striving towards the goal
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is kind of coming from a place of scarcity and
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lack and dissatisfaction as opposed to it being driven just
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from you know, like things are great and I'm fine,
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and I've got everything that I need, and it would
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be great to also achieve this thing, but not because
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I don't have everything that I need right now. I
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don't know. That might sound a little bit paradoxical, but
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what we don't want is this idea of attaching our
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happiness to an external circumstance that I haven't attained yet,
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to something that I don't have right now. When I
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was doing my coaching and when this struck me, this
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whole attaching happiness to a goal and putting my happiness
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on the other side of a goal, and all of
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my sense of satisfaction and confidence and competence and well
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being and worth was all attached to achieving this particular outcome.
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This is what led me to going down the whole
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Buddhist path, and not Buddhist, but you know, mindfulness, acceptance, act, acceptance,
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and commitment therapy, like all of that idea about living
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by your values and being able to tap into what
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is really good about life now. So the point of
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all of this is to say, when you are able
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to articulate, when you're able to identify what it is
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that you perceive that this goal is going to give you,
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then the next part of that exercise should always be
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where is that in existence in my life already? Where
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do I already have freedom and happiness and satisfaction? And
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where can I already cultivate feeling of confidence and security
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and safety? Like what's going well right now? All of
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these things that I think this goal is going to
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give me, How can I look at my life now
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and see that those things already exist. I can still
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want the goal, I can still go after that thing,
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but it doesn't come from a sense of lack, and
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it doesn't come from a misunderstanding that my happiness is
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attached to the outcome. That's what we want to avoid.
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We don't want our happiness attached to an outcome. This
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is that whole Buddhist idea of non attachment, you know,
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like the cause of suffering is attachment. When I believe
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that something else needs to change or something else needs
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to be different in order for me to feel a
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certain way. Then that is the root cause of suffering.
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I am always going to feel dissatisfied and my happiness
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is always going to be outside of me, always out
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of my control, because something else outside in my world
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needs to change. So I need to change someone in
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some way before I can feel happy, and that is
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what we don't want. So it is this balance of, yeah,
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have a goal, be inspired, live your best life, fulfill
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your potential, do what you're capable of, and feel good
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and strong and confident, and evolve and grow because that's
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what we're designed to do, but all the while knowing
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that I have everything I need right now that I
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don't need that in order to feel a certain way.
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So I hope that makes sense. It's a useful exercise
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to do, and it might just help you to shift
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your perspective a little bit, and it just helps you
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to let go of some of that grasping and scarcity
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and feeling of lack. Now, the other thing on this
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is why you want the things you want. And this
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occurred to me because I was talking to one of
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my coaching clients a little while ago, and if she's listening,
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she'll know who she is. And basically her story is
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a very very common one, and that is having a
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feeling of being behind and having a feeling like you're
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not able to achieve what you are capable of because
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she's got young children. This is the eternal struggle for women,
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and it is women. You know, there's not really an
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issue for men who have professional goals, have career aspirations,
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worked and studied and built yourself up to a particular
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level in your career, in your own business potentially, and
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then there is this pausing and stepping out and stepping
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back in order to raise young children, and then seeing
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everybody else progressing and moving ahead and feeling in some
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way that you're being left behind. And we were having
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a lot of conversations about how she manages that, how
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she manages those feelings, and this is something that has
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come up in my group, in my Beyond Confident group,
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which is opening again next month. I'm very pleased to know.
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If you're interested in that, go to my website and
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get yourself on the waiting list. Women who return to
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work after having a baby often feel the lack of
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confidence most strongly because they feel like they're out of touch,
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they feel like they've been left behind. They often go
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back part time so they can't contribute at full capacity.
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So there's this constant kind of comparison with other people
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and where they're at in their career and where you
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could be potentially. It's not an uncommon problem. Everybody who
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has maybe taken a step out to have young children,
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well to have children, will be familiar with that feeling.
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And she said to me one day that she had
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been listening to a different podcast and she heard this
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term mametic desire, and she realized that some of what
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was going on for her was mametic desire. So that
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that's a really interesting concept and it might be something
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worth sharing because it could be something that you relate
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to as well. So if you're not familiar with the term,
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mimetic desire refers to wanting something or having desires or preferences,
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because that is what society and culture portrays as being desirable.
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So it is being influenced by the world that you
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live in, by the society that you live in, and
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the cultural aspects. It can be media and can be advertising,
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it can just be what everybody else is doing. It's
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amplified by social media because we can see so much
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more about what everybody else is doing and what they're achieving,
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and it causes us to want what they want, or
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it causes us to feel like what we should be
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aspiring to. The goals that we set for ourselves are
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the things that the world tells us. The things that
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society tells us are what we're supposed to want. And
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