Aug. 7, 2022

The Confidence Coach - overcoming childhood bullying

The Confidence Coach - overcoming childhood bullying
The player is loading ...
The Confidence Coach - overcoming childhood bullying

Cass is taking a break from regular Crappy to Happy episodes for the next six weeks while she relocates to London. In the meantime, we wanted to share with you her other podcast and labour of love, the Confidence Coach with Cass Dunn.Each week you’ll hear from a real person struggling with their self-confidence. Cass will talk you through the problem using a psychological framework, and share tips and tricks that will help anyone dealing with a similar situation.
In this episode you’ll hear from Jason, who is struggling to overcome childhood bullying.
If you’ve got a confidence issue you’d like help with, send a voice message on Instagram @cassdunn_xo or email it to confidencecoach@cassdunn.com.
If you struggle with self-confidence or you know that your imposter syndrome is holding you back, then check out Cass’s brand new online course and coaching program Beyond Confident at cassdunn.com/beyond-confident
Connect with Cass:www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com 
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypodwww.tiktok.com/crappytohappypod
Join the free 7-day Happiness Challenge:www.cassdunn.com/happiness

Connect with Cass:

www.cassdunn.com
www.instagram.com/cassdunn_xo

Contact Crappy to Happy:

Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
www.crappytohappypod.com
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod
www.tiktok.com/@crappytohappypod


Are you a coach, therapist, service provider or solopreneur struggling with self-doubt and imposter syndrome? I'd love to talk to you! (for market research purposes only!)

Book a call with me to share your experience.

Want more great content and less ads?

Upgrade to Paid in the Spotify or Apple podcasts App to get immediate access to "Beyond Happy", the subscriber only podcast featuring bonus content, meditations and more!

Transcript
WEBVTT

1
00:00:02.720 --> 00:00:04.000
A listener production.

2
00:00:05.360 --> 00:00:09.320
This podcast aims to provide general information only and is

3
00:00:09.439 --> 00:00:13.000
not intended to be a substitute for psychological therapy. If

4
00:00:13.039 --> 00:00:16.320
any of the topics discussed raise issues for you, please

5
00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:19.600
seek advice from a trained psychologist, and if you're struggling,

6
00:00:19.640 --> 00:00:22.960
you can always call Lifeline on one three one one

7
00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:35.520
one four. Hi, and welcome to the Confidence Coach, the

8
00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:39.280
podcast for people who struggle with self confidence, question their

9
00:00:39.320 --> 00:00:42.560
self worth, or have a persistent nagging voice in their

10
00:00:42.600 --> 00:00:46.719
head that tells them they're not good enough. I'm your

11
00:00:46.719 --> 00:00:50.159
Hostcast done. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist, and in

12
00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:53.679
each episode, we'll start with a real person sharing their

13
00:00:53.799 --> 00:00:57.320
confidence struggle with me in their own words via a

14
00:00:57.399 --> 00:01:00.960
voice memo. I'll share with you ideas and tools that

15
00:01:01.079 --> 00:01:03.960
you can apply to help boost your self esteem and

16
00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:05.560
live a more confident life.

17
00:01:06.760 --> 00:01:08.480
Today we're going to hear from Jason.

18
00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:15.480
Hey there, Cass. My name's Jason, and my confidence struggle

19
00:01:15.560 --> 00:01:18.879
is based around interacting and building friendships with straight men.

20
00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:23.359
So as growing up as a gay man, I was

21
00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:27.719
bullied very much by straight men, and not only straight

22
00:01:27.760 --> 00:01:32.000
men within school, but also my own father. This confident

23
00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:35.760
struggle really comes into play within my workplace now as

24
00:01:35.799 --> 00:01:39.079
I now work in construction, I find that I have

25
00:01:39.120 --> 00:01:42.319
a lack of self worth and confidence when it comes

26
00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:45.640
to interacting, you know, with those other straight blokes on

27
00:01:45.680 --> 00:01:48.719
the job site, in fear that you know, I might

28
00:01:48.760 --> 00:01:52.439
be told I'm not enough or I'm not equal, as

29
00:01:52.480 --> 00:01:55.519
I was told a lot when I was younger. Thanks

30
00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:57.319
so much, Cass, appreciate it.

31
00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:03.599
I really appreciate this submission from Jason, and I thought

32
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:05.879
this was a really good opportunity to talk about the

33
00:02:05.959 --> 00:02:11.000
impact of bullying. Generally, so as many as three in

34
00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:16.080
five children and adolescents experience some form of bullying during

35
00:02:16.120 --> 00:02:21.039
their school years, and that can have lasting psychological consequences.

36
00:02:21.879 --> 00:02:25.960
At its extreme, you know, it can create PTSD, but

37
00:02:26.039 --> 00:02:32.000
it also can lead to anxiety, depression, difficulty forming trusting relationships.

38
00:02:32.039 --> 00:02:36.479
As Jason mentioned, low self esteem and lack of confidence,

39
00:02:36.599 --> 00:02:40.400
and the loss of trust is perhaps one of the

40
00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:44.280
most challenging consequences if you have been bullied. It's not

41
00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:47.719
just that you don't trust people to generally be good

42
00:02:47.840 --> 00:02:51.319
and kind and decent towards you, but if other people

43
00:02:51.400 --> 00:02:54.439
don't stand up for you, you can also just lose

44
00:02:54.479 --> 00:02:59.159
trust in people generally, and that can last for years,

45
00:02:59.719 --> 00:03:06.520
well into adulthood. Long after that experience is finished, you

46
00:03:06.599 --> 00:03:10.159
can still be having these same experiences and these same

47
00:03:10.240 --> 00:03:15.639
reactions and maybe not even realize your difficulty forming relationships

48
00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:20.280
is all connected to these early experiences of bullying. And look,

49
00:03:20.280 --> 00:03:22.599
I think it is important to acknowledge that if you

50
00:03:22.680 --> 00:03:25.199
do belong to a minority group, whether because of your

51
00:03:25.280 --> 00:03:29.199
sexuality or ethnicity, or if you have a disability, then

52
00:03:29.280 --> 00:03:31.120
it's true that you are more likely to be the

53
00:03:31.159 --> 00:03:34.400
target of bullies. And so while anybody can experience bullying,

54
00:03:34.639 --> 00:03:38.639
if you already have something about you that you feel

55
00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:41.039
sets your part, that makes you a bit different, and

56
00:03:41.080 --> 00:03:44.800
then that message is reinforced by other people, that can

57
00:03:44.879 --> 00:03:47.280
really undermine your sense of self worth and it can

58
00:03:47.319 --> 00:03:50.680
take a long time to recover from that. So, when

59
00:03:50.719 --> 00:03:55.280
you have experienced any kind of emotionally distressing event in

60
00:03:55.319 --> 00:03:59.919
your early life, then later on any kind of content,

61
00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:05.159
textual factors, any kind of contextual cues that you associate

62
00:04:05.840 --> 00:04:09.120
with that experience, with that a van to or that

63
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:13.599
trauma can trigger a threat response in you. You know,

64
00:04:13.719 --> 00:04:16.920
sometimes those things are even hidden from your conscious memory.

65
00:04:16.920 --> 00:04:18.759
It could be just somebody's tone of voice, or the

66
00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:22.680
color red, or a particular sound or a smell. More likely,

67
00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:26.759
if you associate a particular kind of person or a

68
00:04:26.759 --> 00:04:33.000
particular kind of environment with that distressing, traumatizing experience, then

69
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:38.720
it's very likely that you will have an unconscious physiological reaction.

70
00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:44.480
In Jason's case, he is talking about straight men. For

71
00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:49.199
somebody else, it might be strong, assertive women, it might

72
00:04:49.319 --> 00:04:54.759
be any kind of male authority figure. Oftentimes, when you

73
00:04:54.879 --> 00:04:59.079
have this threat response, this fear response, it happens at

74
00:04:59.079 --> 00:05:02.600
a physiological level, like it comes from a part of

75
00:05:02.639 --> 00:05:06.199
your brain that is out of your conscious awareness. Like

76
00:05:06.279 --> 00:05:10.839
it's not a rational response, it's actually kind of instinctive,

77
00:05:11.519 --> 00:05:16.920
and you will feel this fear arising you physiologically, and

78
00:05:17.079 --> 00:05:21.079
in that moment, it is really important that you manage

79
00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:25.680
your physiology, that you calm down your nervous system. Your

80
00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:31.959
body doesn't respond to verbal language. Your physiology only responds

81
00:05:31.959 --> 00:05:36.120
to physiology. And that's why in psychology we talk about

82
00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:41.160
taking slow, deep, calming breaths, because when you do that,

83
00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:45.199
you activate a parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calming

84
00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:50.000
down response, which is the antidote to the stress response

85
00:05:50.040 --> 00:05:53.600
that sometimes arises completely involuntarily.

86
00:05:54.519 --> 00:05:56.680
So in that moment when you.

87
00:05:56.759 --> 00:06:02.199
Feel that flood of fear, of that nervousness, the sweaty

88
00:06:02.240 --> 00:06:05.199
palms that you might feel tight in your chest, you

89
00:06:05.240 --> 00:06:09.199
can't find your words. Calming down your physiology is the

90
00:06:09.240 --> 00:06:14.519
first and the most important thing to do. Later, when

91
00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:17.360
you are out of the situation and when you're feeling

92
00:06:17.480 --> 00:06:20.680
calm and relaxed, then there are other things that you

93
00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:23.879
can do that might help you to manage and to

94
00:06:24.040 --> 00:06:27.079
challenge some of the more unhelpful thoughts that you have

95
00:06:27.639 --> 00:06:31.480
that are reinforcing and maintaining.

96
00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:32.279
This kind of fear response.

97
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:38.519
So I want to introduce you to this technique that

98
00:06:38.639 --> 00:06:41.720
is commonly used in cognitive psychology, and it's called the

99
00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:45.920
ABC model. And the way it basically goes is that

100
00:06:46.759 --> 00:06:50.800
A is the activating event. So A just basically means

101
00:06:50.839 --> 00:06:52.040
that something happens.

102
00:06:53.240 --> 00:06:56.920
B is your beliefs, So B is the story that

103
00:06:56.959 --> 00:06:57.680
you tell.

104
00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:02.319
Yourself about that event, and see then is the consequence.

105
00:07:02.399 --> 00:07:05.560
And the consequence can be an emotional reaction, or it

106
00:07:05.560 --> 00:07:08.399
can be a behavior, it can be what you actually

107
00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:11.639
do in response to that. So to walk you through

108
00:07:11.720 --> 00:07:15.279
a really basic example which I often use let's say

109
00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:18.920
that the activating event is that it's Friday afternoon, you're

110
00:07:18.959 --> 00:07:21.480
packing up from work, and your boss asks if they

111
00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:25.240
can see you on Monday morning. Now, b is the

112
00:07:25.279 --> 00:07:28.800
story that you tell yourself about that. Where does your

113
00:07:28.920 --> 00:07:33.319
mind immediately go? Because most of the people that I

114
00:07:33.480 --> 00:07:37.319
talk to when I offer this scenario, they go straight

115
00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:41.360
to what have I done, I'm in trouble, I've stuffed

116
00:07:41.399 --> 00:07:45.920
something up. Nobody's mind ever goes to thank God, I'm

117
00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:49.240
about to get that raise that I so deserve. And

118
00:07:49.319 --> 00:07:55.000
so the consequence is that we become anxious, agitated, probably

119
00:07:55.040 --> 00:07:57.959
spend way too much time over the weekend thinking about

120
00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:00.160
all the things that we might have done wrong, all

121
00:08:00.199 --> 00:08:03.959
of the worst case scenarios. So we've created this whole

122
00:08:04.079 --> 00:08:09.800
story and this whole emotional response based on a very

123
00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:13.759
neutral event, which is the boss saying can I see

124
00:08:13.759 --> 00:08:16.160
you on Monday. So, when you have a bit of

125
00:08:16.199 --> 00:08:19.680
time and space and you're feeling calm and relaxed, it

126
00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:23.399
can be really useful to work through this process on

127
00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:26.439
your own. It does help to write it down if

128
00:08:26.480 --> 00:08:29.040
there's a situation that you've been in that has triggered

129
00:08:29.399 --> 00:08:33.279
an emotional response in you, to actually write down what

130
00:08:33.399 --> 00:08:36.320
the event was, what was the A. Remember that A

131
00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:39.440
is the facts. There is no room for judgment or

132
00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:45.639
opinion in a. B is where you write down your interpretation,

133
00:08:46.039 --> 00:08:48.559
all of the meaning that you've given that event, all

134
00:08:48.600 --> 00:08:52.080
of the stories that you're telling yourself about that event,

135
00:08:52.720 --> 00:08:54.440
and C is the consequence.

136
00:08:54.960 --> 00:08:58.320
And then the very important next step is D.

137
00:08:59.039 --> 00:09:02.559
And D is where you dispute the story that you're

138
00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:07.320
telling yourself or you look for some disconfirming evidence. So

139
00:09:07.399 --> 00:09:11.879
it may be that you ask yourself, how likely is

140
00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:16.240
it that this story is actually true in the past

141
00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:21.759
in this situation? How often has this actually happened? What

142
00:09:21.879 --> 00:09:28.240
are some of the alternative explanations in this situation? Reminding

143
00:09:28.279 --> 00:09:33.840
yourself too, that our brains are very good at filtering

144
00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:37.840
in all of the information that supports our existing belief.

145
00:09:38.200 --> 00:09:43.039
We have to actually intentionally steer our attention to the

146
00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:48.279
evidence that our pre existing belief is not always true,

147
00:09:48.720 --> 00:09:55.840
that sometimes there is another possibility. So I guess the

148
00:09:55.879 --> 00:09:58.559
takeaway from today's episode is that, first of all, when

149
00:09:58.559 --> 00:10:02.440
you're in that situation where you feel that triggering off

150
00:10:02.440 --> 00:10:05.679
that threat response, the most important thing is to not

151
00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:08.440
try to talk yourself out of that, but to actually

152
00:10:08.679 --> 00:10:13.559
calm your physiology, use your breath, slow your breathing, push

153
00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:16.480
your feet into the ground. Just do what you need

154
00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:20.399
to do to calm yourself. And then later, when you're

155
00:10:20.519 --> 00:10:23.559
safe and when you're relaxed, see if you can work

156
00:10:23.639 --> 00:10:27.840
through that ABC model to start to challenge those old

157
00:10:27.879 --> 00:10:32.559
assumptions and those old beliefs and start to actively look

158
00:10:32.600 --> 00:10:36.039
for the evidence that your beliefs aren't true so that

159
00:10:36.080 --> 00:10:38.600
you can start to build up a more positive and

160
00:10:38.639 --> 00:10:41.240
a more supportive and empowering.

161
00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:42.639
Set of beliefs.

162
00:10:48.360 --> 00:10:51.240
Thank you so much for listening to the Confidence Coach podcast.

163
00:10:51.480 --> 00:10:53.720
If you have a confidence challenge that you'd like my

164
00:10:53.799 --> 00:10:56.399
help with, send me a voice memo. You can do

165
00:10:56.519 --> 00:10:59.840
that on my Instagram account at cast done underscore x,

166
00:11:00.600 --> 00:11:02.519
or you can just use the voice recorder on your

167
00:11:02.559 --> 00:11:06.159
phone and email it to the Confidence Coach at castone

168
00:11:06.320 --> 00:11:09.039
dot com and I look forward to helping you with

169
00:11:09.080 --> 00:11:14.039
another confidence challenge on our next episode.

170
00:11:14.919 --> 00:11:15.399
Listener