The Confidence Coach– returning to work

0:02 A listener production. This podcast aims to provide general information only and is not intended to be a substitute for psychological therapy. If any of the topics discussed raise issues for you, please seek advice from a trained psychologist, and if you're struggling, you can always call Lifeline on one three one one one four. Hi, and welcome to the Confidence Coach, the podcast for people who struggle with self confidence, question their self worth, or have a persistent nagging voice in their head that tells them they're not good enough.

0:46 I'm your Hostcast done. I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist, and in each episode, we'll start with a real person sharing their confidence struggle with me in their own words via a voice memo. I'll share with you ideas and tools that you can apply to help boost your self esteem and live a more confident life. Today we're going to hear from jazz. I Cass Synopsis. Haven't been at work in social work for seven years, tully starting childcare in October, putting my feelers out, no confidence for the job, interview or for the career. I worked really hard in don't know if I can get back into it because I don't feel like I know anything.

1:34 That is all. This is such a common issue for women in the workforce, and not only mothers who've been out of work for a while, but all women who doubt their abilities and their competence. I think most of us by now have heard of the Hewlett Packard research that showed that men will apply for a job when they meet sixty percent of the qualifications, whereas women need to have one hundred percent of the qualifications before they will even apply. I personally also, no women who have pushed through the self doubt have applied for the job, got the job, and then actually turned it down because they felt like it was a mistake. They thought that they really weren't good enough to do the job. When women leave the workforce to become a mother, especially after they've worked really hard to establish themselves in a career, they find themselves in a role where they have no routine, no structure. They feel incompetent. Most of the time, they receive very little recognition, no financial reward, not much appreciation generally, so it's really no wonder that their sense of themselves as a competent, capable person is diminished. At the same time, while out of the workforce, their qualifications are losing recency,

3:04 the workplace is moving along without them. It can feel like all this new, freshly qualified people are joining the ranks and they're being left behind. So it can feel like they are at a major disadvantage when they try to get back into the workplace and they're competing with people who they perceive have got more skills, more qualifications, or more recent experience than they do. And in fact, there's research that indicates that women's confidence in the workplace is at its lowest when they are returning to work after having children. So before we even talk about strategies or tips that might help somebody like Jazz to feel more confident applying for a job, can we also please just start by taking a moment to acknowledge the impossible standards that women hold themselves to and to recognize this is just not fair, and that if you feel like you are lacking in any area that is not your fault.

4:07 The bar is usually impossibly high. So today I want to talk to you about how we can start to change our perception of the value we bring and what we have to offer in any of these roles that we play in our lives. Whenever we lack confidence in any area of life, our attention is very much focused on what we lack. We're focused on deficit. We're focusing on the skills that we don't have. We're focusing on the goal that we didn't achieve, or the quality that we don't have. So this is a situation where it can be really helpful to turn your attention instead to all of the things that you have gained. And if you are a mother who has been out of the workforce, you have gained so much in terms of life experience, problem solving skills, time management, not to mention the very human qualities of compassion and empathy and humility, all of which are highly valued in any workplace. Just because the world tends to devalue the role of women and mothers and stay at home parents doesn't mean that you should feel that what you have been doing is not of enormous value and that you haven't attained some highly transferable, attractive skills. And when you go into a workplace, the

5:38 fact of the matter is that anybody can learn new technical skills, anybody can do a short course to bring qualifications up to current standards, but nobody can teach life experience, and that is what you have gained by taking a step away from the workplace and becoming a parent. I think it's really important as well to note that many women who are mothers are actually so much better at time management. I can tell you from my own experience that I went back and did my fourth year in psychology when my daughter was nine months old and my husband had just taken a job into state, so I was able to get her into childcare a couple of days a week and the rest of the time I had to juggle study and parenting on my own. And that year I achieved in the top two percent of my cohort. I got a Dean's Medal for outstanding academic performance, and I basically got straight high distinctions for that whole year.

6:45 And it was purely because I was forced to work when the baby slept. I had no other choice, and I became so efficient and so productive. And I bet any other mother out there would say the same thing. So before you go into the job interview, it's really important for you to remind yourself of all of those extra personal qualities and skills that you have gained. And I think it would be really helpful to actually write that down. One other thing that I want to mention it is something that we talked about in an earlier episode, and that is that ultimately confidence comes from doing. We often feel like we need to wait until we feel ready in order to take steps towards doing the thing that we want to do. But usually what we need to do is take the action anyway and trust that that is how our confidence will grow. And I would almost guarantee that when Jazz works through this discomfort, puts herself out there and applies for a job and gets the job, which she will because she's very qualified and experienced, that as soon as she sets foot in that world workplace, that is when her confidence will really start to grow.

8:04 If she allows these feelings of self doubt to stop her from trying, she may never have that experience of having her confidence renewed. So if you are listening to this and you are a mother returning to work, or you're a woman juggling career and parenting and you feel like you're falling short, I would encourage you to reframe what you might be perceiving as a deficit or a disadvantage. You could instead focus on just how much you are achieving in spite of being pulled in multiple different directions, and start seeing that as evidence of your capability and flexibility and your agility and your adaptability, all really really valuable skills for any workplace, and allow that experience to boost yourself confidence rather than diminish it. Thank you so much for listening to the Confidence Coach podcast. If you have a confidence challenge that you'd like my help with, send me a voice memo. You can do that on my Instagram account at cast done underscore XO, or you can just use the voice recorder on your phone and email it to the Confidence Coach at casdone dot com and I look forward to helping you with another confidence challenge on our next episode. Listener