March 4, 2018

The power of relationships

The power of relationships
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The power of relationships
The power of relationships
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Season 2 Relationships Positive Psychology

Strong, supportive relationships are the foundation of happiness and even longevity. In this episode, Tiff Hall and Cass Dunn discuss why our friendships can have either a positive or negative affect on our wellbeing and the importance of honest communication. They'll help you learn strategies for having difficult conversations and teach why you should weed out the toxic friends so you can focus your energy on the relationships that are mutually supportive and satisfying.Connect with Cass:
www.crappytohappypod.comhello@crappytohappypod.com 
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypodwww.tiktok.com/crappytohappypod
Join the free 7-day Happiness Challenge:www.cassdunn.com/happiness

Connect with Cass:

www.cassdunn.com
www.instagram.com/cassdunn_xo

Contact Crappy to Happy:

Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
www.crappytohappypod.com
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod
www.tiktok.com/@crappytohappypod


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Transcript
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A listener production.

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You're listening to.

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Crappy to Happy with Tip and Cass. Today we're going

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to talk about healthy relationships because I find they are

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the most important thing to feeling well and how you

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make decisions in.

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Your life and feel positive.

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It really does affect your positivity. And we were talking

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in a previous episode about how emotions are contagious, and

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so I know for me work, relationships, friends, my marriage,

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my relationship with my son.

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You know, there are good bad relationships.

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Bad relationships, and a bad relationship can really affect all

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corners of your life, can't they Yeah, for sure.

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And you know, I think we all know that as humans,

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we are hardwired for connection. It's in our DNA to

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belong to a community. It was our very survival on it.

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So we are really from birth. I mean, if you

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want to go back from birth, we can't survive. Were

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the only species, really, the only mammal that we can't

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survive without a.

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Care.

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We can't walk, we can't feed ourselves, we can't warm ourselves,

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so we literally need to be long.

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It means life or death to us.

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So you know, and there's loads and loads of research

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showing now how important it actually is.

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I think we all feel it intuitively.

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We know we feel better when we have quality, supportive

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people around us, positive relationships, positive people, people to share

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the joys with as well as to share the sorrows with.

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But it actually really is crucial to our health and

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our happiness, and there's lots of research that supports that.

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Now, really it's fundamental.

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It is fundamental, and I do find that if I'm

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a little bit off with a friend or with a relationship,

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it does seep into everything, into my work, my productivity,

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my motivation, and it's everything.

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Yeah, and we did a you know, we talked previously

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about resilience and one thing I think we didn't even

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touch on in that resilience episode is the importance of

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the social connections to help you to manage the stresses

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of life. Having those supportive social networks can really make

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the difference to how you handle the ups and downs.

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And we see that all the time in Tiffecso in

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our community.

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Of best community, thousands and thousands of men and women.

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They all have goals, and they all have relationships outside

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of that community, but that support of those relationships get

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them to their goals, whether it's weight loss, or conditioning,

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or maybe it's a mindset goal that they have. We

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see time and time again them achieving those goals because

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of the support and those relationships.

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Support, the encouragement, the accountability, even Yeah, it can really

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give you a big boost when you're And what I

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love about it is that if you've got a really

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good buddy like that, a good friend or a support

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person like that.

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We all have our own ups and downs.

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So what we see is one day somebody will be

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feeling a bit low, kind of flagging in energy, and

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the other person can give them a boost and give

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them a pep up. And then another day that might

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be the opposite.

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So it works both ways, and that's the key.

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I think that's the key to really healthy supportive relationships,

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is that balance of give and take. And we often,

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as you know, we both know what comes up a

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lot in our community, not from within the community, but

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when people talk about relationships outside in their real lives,

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is the unsupportive relationships and how much of a downer

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they can be and what to do about that, And

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like you said, it can really dominate yes, people's moods,

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and especially.

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Like I use the example of say, weight loss, like

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someone is trying really hard with their nutrition, their exercise,

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they're making changes, and then someone makes a comment about

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their body or brings takeaway food home when they're trying

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to cook a healthy meal. And I always come back

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to this quote I read and a true friend. It's

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not how they are there for you when you're at

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your lowest, it's how they're there for you when you're

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celebrating you're a gem, when they're.

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Happy for you.

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And you know, I had a friend who lost quite

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a bit of weight, and her friends just made a

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thing of absolutely not not acknowledging it, never saying you

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look great, good on you, you're really making change. They're

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not there to celebrate her wins, and they're bringing her down,

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And I just hate that.

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It's really interesting.

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It can be quite indicative of the quality of a relationship,

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can't it, Because oftentimes the people that are that you,

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that are close to you, the people that see you

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all the time and who know you well, they're not

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they're not often your biggest fans when it comes to

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the successes and less they're not always the ones who

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are cheering you on when you achieve good Yes, interestingly, yes,

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it will be you know, maybe your closest friends, your

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mum's always got your back on your mom and your

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best friends, but other people they tend.

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To be anything.

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But then they're there when.

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You fall apart, they're like, I want to pick you up.

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Yeah you're in the gutter, and they're like, oh, we'll

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help you now. But yeah, when you're being a success,

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it's a lot harder.

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And you know, I use this term and I share

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this a lot.

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It's a Buddhist term called medita, and it means literally

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means sympathetic joy, and it means being happy for somebody

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else's happiness. And so there's this practice in Buddhism we

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cultivate I'm not on Buddhist, but in the Buddhist in

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a philosophy, tradition and meditation and mindfulness, it's cultivating that

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capacity to be happy for other people's happiness and happy

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for other people's success, because it's human nature to maybe

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get a little bit envyers or to maybe feel a

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bit of what about me? And if somebody else is

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achieving happiness and success, you know, and you're not. But

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it's a real it's a quality of a true friend

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to be able to go beyond that and actually say, well,

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good for you.

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I know, I'm really happy for you.

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Love seeing your success and we love such do we

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love having those people around us?

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Yeah, one hundred percent. It's so important.

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So let's all be that person.

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Yeah, let's be that person. And if you're an empowered,

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confident person, then you can empower and instill confidence in

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other people. So yeah, you have to invest in that

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in yourself. We all know how important it is to

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stay connected and have good relationships.

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But what's some of the science around this.

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We know a lot now about the importance of social connections.

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And one study that I often refer back to, and

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there are lots and lots, and I can talk about

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a few of them, but one study that's been really interesting.

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Because it's the world's longest running.

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Study of adult development, and it's called the it's called

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the Harvard Study of Adult Development, and it began in

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nineteen thirty eight with a group of men. And the

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reason it began with men weeks because they were the

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only ones who were allowed to go to university at

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that time. So things have changed now, But it began

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with two hundred and sixty eight sophomores at Harvard and

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they took measures of every aspect of their wellbeing, their life,

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their physical and mental wellbeing, lifestyle, and they've tracked them.

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They've kept track of them.

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So John F.

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Kennedy was was in that group.

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Incredible, some very quite famous men have been in that

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group and they've tracked them all the way through. And

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then later in the seventies they added a control group

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in with another group of Boston men, I think, but

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they have since extended it to include wives and offspring

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and the fact that they keep getting funding. I'm pretty

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sure it's still running now, So what's that eighty years?

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So it certainly was.

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Up until a few years ago it was still running

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and they were still pulling research out of it, so

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they've had to change study directors over time. But anyway,

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what they found from this study is that the most

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important predictor of health and longevity and of happiness throughout

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life was the quality of your relationships. So that includes marriage, friendships,

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community ties, you know, connections in your community. The fundamentally

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that over and above exercise, smoking, drinking, like all of

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the other lifestyle factors that you would think would affect

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health and career success.

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And never think that you'd always help life smoking or

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you know.

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Over and above alcohol and drinking and smoking, relationships really fascinating.

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I really hope that they can continue that for a

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really long time because they will never get they will

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never replicate it.

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It's amazing.

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So if we're talking about relationships being the number one

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factor to living a long, happy life.

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And there's reasons for that too as well.

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So and you know, there's been other studies looking specifically

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at the impacts of your social connections and your health.

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One study found that your risk of the risk of

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death with people of people with fewer social ties was

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twice as high as those with more social ties. You know,

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they sort of evaluate the quality of the non quantity

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of people's relationships and then they're more reality risk. Basically,

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people who are more isolated, have lower quality relationships or

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lower quality social ties, are at greater risk of cardiovascular disease,

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high blood pressure, cancer, They have slower to heal from

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illnesses and wounds, like it directly affects your physical health

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in many ways. And then you know, loneliness, really it's

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a killer. Loneliness kills people, so they stay sad. Well,

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it's important, isn't it.

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It's so important. And I was just thinking about my grandfather.

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He's ninety five and he's in care, and he was

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in palladive care earlier last year, and he made a comeback.

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He's kicked out a pallady tear ken was kicked out

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of palliadive care.

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Dying and moved into a home.

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But and he was taking off all his medication and

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made such a comeback.

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And he's doing really well.

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Wow. But one thing my grandfather has always done, he's

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such a great socializer. He has friends that visit him

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every day. He's made friends in his home. He's so

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fantastic like that, and I do think that's keeping him going.

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Like when when he.

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Was at his lowest, he was isolated, but I have

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seen evidence of that at ninety five.

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That's amazing. He's amazing, he is.

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He's amazing. So you know, it is important.

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And talking about the health and the happiness of your relationships,

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then how do you know if you are in a

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relationship that isn't serving you or you know, perhaps could

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be a bit toxic. How can you identify that toxic?

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The whole topic of toxic relationships comes up so often

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as well, because it isn't quantity of relationships.

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It's quality. It's that mutually supportive, committed connection.

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And as you as.

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You grow and you get older, you tend to have

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less friends, don't you?

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Or is that just me? Am I just revealing something?

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But I mean I used to have heaps and heaps

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of friends, but now I have less friends, but a quality, yes.

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But better.

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Yeah, I think I think that's pretty normal. I don't

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know what the science is, but I dare say that

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as as we move, grow up and move on, I mean,

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we tend to make friends in school, when we go

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to university, and make friends at work. And as we

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move on and we couple up and get married or

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we have kids, well, life just often goes.

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In different, you know, different directions.

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You haven't got time for anyone who hasn't the time.

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The time that we have available for those friendships often diminishes,

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so that can be a problem. But also, yeah, we're

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just move in different directions, or we move physically. I've

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lost not lost friends, but I have had friendships sort

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of fizzle out because I've physically moved into state and

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it's just hard to stay. We've got social media that

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helps with that now, but it's not the same.

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It's not the same, is it?

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And you can could you mistake social media friendships for

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real friendships? I think people do connect it Yeah, And

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I know I can Facebook someone or text someone and

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I'm like, I haven't actually talked to that person or

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heard their voice in months.

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Do you know what I think about social media as well?

248
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So it's really important to get off social media.

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We'll talk about that.

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A bit later, but I can talk about it.

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But the thing that I noticed one time was that

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social media was giving me the illusion of connection. I

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realized that I felt like I was keeping up with

254
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all these people, like I get that hit of I

255
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can see what you're doing, I can see how your

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kids are growing up, and I can sort of keep

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up with your life, and you feel like you're connected.

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But when you actually get face to face with somebody

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and you realize how much of their lives that you

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actually no nubty because it's not on social media.

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And you've said it time and time again, you're keeping

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up with their highlight real exactly low lights so exactly.

263
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So coming back to acknowledging relationship, relationship, Yeah, how do

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you know.

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I think, generally speaking, no science to this. This is

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just generally speaking, how you feel after you've spent time

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with the person is an indicator of whether.

268
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That's a yeah, that's what I was going to say, quality,

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it feels zapped.

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Or yeah, lifted.

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You will know if you've if you spend time with people.

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Everybody has their ups and downs, but occasionally you'll have

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that person in your life and we hear this often.

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We've all experienced this, that person who is constantly on

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a downer or they they never really have anything nice

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to say, so.

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They're all about themselves and you're always giving or coaching

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or trying to help them, and they're never there for you.

279
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And we don't want to.

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You know, people have difficult times and that's okay, but

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it's just so it's not I always I don't really

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like that toxic relationship phrase because it feels like they're

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a toxic person, and I think it's just more that

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they're not. It's not a healthy thing for you at

285
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that time, you know, and at a different time maybe

286
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they'll you can shift that balance back, but it's it's

287
00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:03.159
it's okay, it's nothing necessarily. Sometimes it's not necessarily anything

288
00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:06.879
like wrong with the person. I don't want to demonize people,

289
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but we know ourselves that the dynamic of the relationship

290
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doesn't work, you know, it's that dynamic.

291
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And is it selfish to distance yourself from I don't

292
00:14:15.799 --> 00:14:16.080
think so.

293
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If you're putting your health and well being and your

294
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mindset first.

295
00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:23.440
I don't think so. I think that sometimes it's essential. Actually,

296
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could it be self care?

297
00:14:24.679 --> 00:14:25.200
I think so.

298
00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:28.600
It depends on the I think people have to make

299
00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:31.480
a personal decision based on how important the relationship is,

300
00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:34.039
sometimes how long that person has been in their life.

301
00:14:34.039 --> 00:14:37.200
You know, we all people come and go, and depending

302
00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:40.600
on your personal history with a person, you might want

303
00:14:40.639 --> 00:14:43.360
to spend more time or invest more time before you

304
00:14:43.879 --> 00:14:46.080
end a friendship. But I think sometimes it gets to

305
00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:48.519
a point where you have to end friendships that are

306
00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:53.799
really not good for your own mental health that they would.

307
00:14:53.840 --> 00:14:57.360
We have limited time, and so we want to choose

308
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where to invest our time with people.

309
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Feelings up and not.

310
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Feeling drained and depleted and taken advantage job.

311
00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:09.639
Or you use that term social sustenance. So I've heard

312
00:15:09.759 --> 00:15:13.080
you use that, and that's a great way of putting it.

313
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Feeling depleted versus feeling nourished.

314
00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:19.480
Yeah, and there's various you know we talk about when

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00:15:19.519 --> 00:15:24.759
you do talk about toxic relationships, it's that plays out

316
00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:27.600
in various different ways. You know, there's the constantly jealous person,

317
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or the negative person, or the one who puts you

318
00:15:32.600 --> 00:15:35.200
down all the time and makes you feel badly about yourself.

319
00:15:35.639 --> 00:15:38.159
I've had clients tell me and you know, young girls

320
00:15:38.399 --> 00:15:40.200
who will say, every time I go out with this person,

321
00:15:40.279 --> 00:15:44.360
she suddenly becomes all about wanting to get attention from

322
00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:46.279
all the boys and she ignores me and I sit

323
00:15:46.360 --> 00:15:49.519
in the corner. You know, it's these kinds of things,

324
00:15:49.639 --> 00:15:53.879
or you know, being excluded from social gatherings. I see

325
00:15:53.879 --> 00:15:56.000
on Facebook that they're all doing something that they're not

326
00:15:56.039 --> 00:15:58.159
inviting me. You know, that sort of stuff can be

327
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really damaging.

328
00:16:00.679 --> 00:16:04.679
So in social media, lets you know, ye once upon

329
00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:07.200
a time you may not have known if you hadn't

330
00:16:07.240 --> 00:16:09.200
been invited, and everyone can your secret.

331
00:16:09.320 --> 00:16:12.200
Now you do. There's multiple platforms that will tell you so.

332
00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:14.960
Yes, so yeah.

333
00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:17.879
Sometimes you know, it's it's times it's important to cut

334
00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:21.960
most ties and invest your energy in the relationships that

335
00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:24.240
support you, I think is the important thing. It's not

336
00:16:24.279 --> 00:16:26.720
just about cutting people off, it's about redirecting your energy

337
00:16:26.759 --> 00:16:29.399
into more healthy relationships that support you and give you

338
00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:32.600
that sustenance that we all need.

339
00:16:33.039 --> 00:16:37.039
How do relationships affect your well being? Positive or negative?

340
00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:39.320
Well, I think.

341
00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:43.879
Health wise, there's some you know, we talked before about

342
00:16:43.919 --> 00:16:48.159
how relationships are support good health and that poor quality

343
00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:52.440
relationships are indicators, you know, predictors of ill health. There's

344
00:16:52.440 --> 00:16:56.320
some reasons for that, and so one of them is

345
00:16:56.360 --> 00:16:59.960
that the actual stress. For example, if you're in an

346
00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:02.639
unhappy marriage, you know, and there's a lot of studies

347
00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:04.960
about marriage, but if you're in an unhappy marriage or

348
00:17:04.960 --> 00:17:10.000
you have a really chronically stressful relationship, then we know

349
00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:11.759
that chronic stress affects.

350
00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:13.079
Your physical health.

351
00:17:13.119 --> 00:17:15.480
So sometimes it is just that stress on your immune

352
00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:17.720
system and all of that stuff that we already know

353
00:17:17.759 --> 00:17:18.440
about stress.

354
00:17:18.799 --> 00:17:20.599
So there's that very direct relationship.

355
00:17:20.799 --> 00:17:24.240
Another aspect is actually the social contagion effects. So the

356
00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:26.759
fact that we sort of when we're in a group,

357
00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:30.599
we tend to behave like the group, and sometimes the

358
00:17:30.680 --> 00:17:33.440
group that we associate with they might engage in some

359
00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:38.279
really unhealthy all the time in the community, food, alcohol,

360
00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:41.000
you know, stuff that doesn't support a healthy lifestyle. But

361
00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:43.240
if that's your social circle, that's the group that you're running,

362
00:17:43.240 --> 00:17:45.480
and that will have very directive effect on your own

363
00:17:45.519 --> 00:17:46.200
health as well.

364
00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:48.519
I've seen that time and time again in the community.

365
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:52.759
For example, if someone's trying to eat healthily and they

366
00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:56.440
go to someone's house for dinner and they're sabotaged by

367
00:17:56.440 --> 00:17:59.480
that person saying we're having pizzas, They're like, I told you,

368
00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:02.240
I'm trying really hard. Can't we make healthy pizzas? Or

369
00:18:02.279 --> 00:18:05.400
can't I bring a salad as well? So there's two options,

370
00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:09.759
and they feel completely like they feel that they have

371
00:18:09.839 --> 00:18:13.319
to eat the pizza because they're they're outnumbered by people

372
00:18:13.400 --> 00:18:14.480
want to eat pizza and.

373
00:18:14.519 --> 00:18:17.359
Not always going out to friends. Often it's partner bringing.

374
00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:20.240
It in, yes, and partners bringing bringing.

375
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:23.240
Them the two liter soft drink and the family pizza deal.

376
00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:25.160
Oh, why don't we sit down watch a movie?

377
00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:26.279
Take away?

378
00:18:26.519 --> 00:18:29.000
I really was going to exercise. Now is going to

379
00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:30.799
put on a video and do a video at home? No,

380
00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:33.839
let's just watch TV and relax. I'm sitting down, do

381
00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:34.240
it like.

382
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:34.839
That's it.

383
00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:38.079
That's the social contagion, and that can be really you know,

384
00:18:38.119 --> 00:18:42.079
it can impact your health and your psychological health and

385
00:18:42.119 --> 00:18:42.680
your emotions.

386
00:18:43.079 --> 00:18:44.599
So I feel unsupported yeah.

387
00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:47.359
And also I think it does affect relationships to affect

388
00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:50.119
you know, your your goals in life in terms of

389
00:18:50.480 --> 00:18:52.920
I had a really bad boss, and instead of knowing

390
00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:57.319
how to deal with that relationship in terms of perhaps

391
00:18:57.359 --> 00:18:59.559
expressing or whatever, I just quit my job and that

392
00:18:59.640 --> 00:19:03.680
effects did everything. I never went back and it actually

393
00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:06.079
I never went back to that industry or that career.

394
00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:10.119
That's a really good example of how the importance of

395
00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:11.160
been able.

396
00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:12.839
To manage I didn't know how to manage it.

397
00:19:13.039 --> 00:19:16.359
Social issues, yeah, and relationship issues.

398
00:19:16.599 --> 00:19:20.359
Great example. Yeah, So there's lots of ways.

399
00:19:19.920 --> 00:19:24.000
That our relationships have an impact directly and indirectly on

400
00:19:24.039 --> 00:19:26.240
our physical and mental health. In terms of our mental health,

401
00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:31.839
it's proven too that happiness and social relationships. Quality social

402
00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:35.440
relationships have a bidirectional relationship. So if you're a happy person,

403
00:19:35.480 --> 00:19:38.039
you are more likely to have quality relationships. You tend

404
00:19:38.039 --> 00:19:41.319
to inject that positivity into your relationships. But also if

405
00:19:41.400 --> 00:19:44.519
you have quality relationships, it makes you happier, so it

406
00:19:44.599 --> 00:19:46.759
creates a very positive.

407
00:19:47.880 --> 00:19:48.319
Cycle.

408
00:19:48.759 --> 00:19:52.440
They actually feedback into each other, so happiness and positive

409
00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:54.480
relationships are very very interconnected.

410
00:19:54.799 --> 00:19:55.920
That's amazing, Cass.

411
00:19:56.079 --> 00:19:58.119
We're going to come back after a quick break and

412
00:19:58.200 --> 00:20:00.720
talk about ways you can make those relation reationships a

413
00:20:00.759 --> 00:20:06.559
whole lot healthier. You're listening to Crappy Tore, Happy with

414
00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:09.880
Tiff and CAFs, and we're talking about healthy relationships. We've

415
00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:12.640
just been speaking about how to acknowledge if a relationship

416
00:20:12.720 --> 00:20:17.000
isn't serving you or supporting you, and now let's chat

417
00:20:17.039 --> 00:20:20.640
about some tools and tips to help improve those relationships.

418
00:20:20.880 --> 00:20:23.480
I guess the logical place to start is communication. You know,

419
00:20:23.480 --> 00:20:30.119
communication is key in relationships and often avoided though interestingly so,

420
00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:34.839
you know, because I think we all are fearful of

421
00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:36.279
difficult communications.

422
00:20:36.319 --> 00:20:40.200
We avoid conflict, we hate conflict, we're all affrontation, all

423
00:20:40.240 --> 00:20:40.960
hate conflict.

424
00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:43.359
And so what it means is that oftentimes things will

425
00:20:43.359 --> 00:20:45.519
go on said, and if you have an issue with

426
00:20:45.559 --> 00:20:49.519
somebody will tend to avoid it rather than yeah, rather than.

427
00:20:49.440 --> 00:20:50.599
Deal with it directly.

428
00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:56.599
Or when we do communicate, then it's not the most

429
00:20:57.319 --> 00:20:58.880
helpful way.

430
00:20:58.839 --> 00:21:01.279
A bit too emotional in the moment.

431
00:21:01.160 --> 00:21:03.519
Or a bit too we might make a lot of assumptions,

432
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:06.799
or you know, not listening properly. And this is all

433
00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:10.200
just because it's a Relationships are so important to us,

434
00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:12.240
and they really you know, if they're not going well,

435
00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:14.480
we can become really upset by that. So oftentimes the

436
00:21:14.480 --> 00:21:18.480
communication is not as balanced and rational as it could be.

437
00:21:19.359 --> 00:21:21.880
But I think, you know communication. We were just talking

438
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:25.960
about this earlier, how our society really evolved to be

439
00:21:26.039 --> 00:21:28.720
what it is, our species actually involved to be what

440
00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:33.680
it is purely because of our capacity to communicate, to

441
00:21:33.759 --> 00:21:38.279
create language. And I was just saying that that goes

442
00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:43.240
both ways. Actually, we have the capacity to build cities

443
00:21:43.240 --> 00:21:46.720
and societies and you know the amazing things that we

444
00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:49.599
have achieved as a human race because of our capacity

445
00:21:49.640 --> 00:21:54.480
to communicate. But equally, language can be the thing that

446
00:21:54.759 --> 00:21:58.160
brings us undone because we are and this is this

447
00:21:58.200 --> 00:22:00.319
has come out of some research as well in psychology.

448
00:22:00.599 --> 00:22:06.160
We're the only species who for whom language. Let me

449
00:22:06.200 --> 00:22:10.839
get this right, because for example, if I ask you

450
00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:16.920
now to imagine a lemon, juicy ripe, yellow lemon, you're

451
00:22:16.920 --> 00:22:19.480
imagining that in your mind, and then I imagine you

452
00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:21.720
put it down on a chopping board and pick up

453
00:22:21.720 --> 00:22:26.680
a shiny, stainless steel, very sharp knife and slice through

454
00:22:26.960 --> 00:22:31.240
that lemon effortlessly. It slices through, it opens up, you

455
00:22:31.279 --> 00:22:34.480
can see it, pick it up. Imagine smelling that lemon,

456
00:22:34.920 --> 00:22:39.240
that lemon, and then squeezing a drop of lemon juice

457
00:22:39.279 --> 00:22:44.359
onto your tongue, and if you're imagining that, you can

458
00:22:44.440 --> 00:22:47.880
experience all of that physiological reaction in your body to

459
00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:49.119
that lemon, even though there is.

460
00:22:49.119 --> 00:22:51.200
No lemon here in the room, making that lemon face.

461
00:22:51.400 --> 00:22:53.480
Yeah, I know, you can do the same thing about

462
00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:56.000
anything that we imagine or anything. And that was purely

463
00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:57.880
me telling you, talking to you about a lemon. But

464
00:22:57.920 --> 00:23:00.599
you have a physiological reaction to that lemon. So the

465
00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:04.319
stories that we tell ourselves in our heads can also

466
00:23:04.359 --> 00:23:09.440
affect us physiologically, can affect us emotionally, affect us psychologically.

467
00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:15.200
So yeah, So that the power of communication is really important,

468
00:23:15.240 --> 00:23:19.720
I guess is the key there. And social relationships. We

469
00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:25.359
are primed for to be alert to threat. Again, that's

470
00:23:25.400 --> 00:23:29.720
in our DNA, that's part of our evolutionary biology. We're

471
00:23:29.759 --> 00:23:32.000
alert to threat. Our fight or flight response is very

472
00:23:32.079 --> 00:23:34.960
very strong. These days, we are far less likely to

473
00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:38.920
be attacked by a lion or a grizzly bear. But

474
00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:42.240
what we perceive to be threatening is social threat. Often

475
00:23:42.359 --> 00:23:48.960
social hostility, conflict, being judged by other people, being perceived

476
00:23:49.079 --> 00:23:51.519
in a negative way by other people.

477
00:23:51.839 --> 00:23:53.359
So this set and it can.

478
00:23:53.240 --> 00:23:55.319
Just be a text, or it can be a comment,

479
00:23:55.519 --> 00:23:57.079
we can be the stories we make up in our

480
00:23:57.119 --> 00:23:59.240
head and it sets off that fight off flight response.

481
00:23:59.359 --> 00:24:01.240
So we've got to be when we talk about relationships,

482
00:24:01.240 --> 00:24:03.440
so we've got to be really aware of all of

483
00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:05.960
this stuff that we often just are doing to ourselves

484
00:24:06.279 --> 00:24:10.880
and the way our body is responding to assumptions and the.

485
00:24:10.920 --> 00:24:13.400
Style which I had an example of this this week.

486
00:24:13.480 --> 00:24:15.359
I'd reach out to one of my best friends. She said,

487
00:24:15.440 --> 00:24:17.480
let's catch up. Let's catch up, as it's difficult. I've

488
00:24:17.480 --> 00:24:20.920
broken my ankle. I can't walk. Can we postpone? And

489
00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:23.400
she came back with it was just a broken ankle.

490
00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:26.480
And I was really offended because it's affected my work.

491
00:24:26.519 --> 00:24:28.359
I can't pick up the baby, I can't wait, but

492
00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:32.359
I can't drive. And then I was stewing on this

493
00:24:32.359 --> 00:24:34.160
for a couple of days and then I text back

494
00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:36.359
and are you okay? I just thought, so you're okay,

495
00:24:36.519 --> 00:24:39.920
And she was actually going through her other friend.

496
00:24:40.279 --> 00:24:42.200
They had cancer and she was going through that, and

497
00:24:42.240 --> 00:24:42.880
so she.

498
00:24:42.960 --> 00:24:45.960
Meant, it's just a broken bone, it's not life threatening.

499
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.240
That's what she was meaning.

500
00:24:47.240 --> 00:24:50.440
I completely understood we missed each other on a note

501
00:24:50.920 --> 00:24:54.839
and we're fine. But I had assumed, Oh, she's attacking me.

502
00:24:54.960 --> 00:24:57.960
She thinks I'm weak, she thinks I'm being a princess

503
00:24:58.000 --> 00:24:58.680
about this.

504
00:24:58.759 --> 00:25:02.279
You know, isn't that also indicative of the problem with

505
00:25:02.480 --> 00:25:05.079
text based communication and everything?

506
00:25:05.119 --> 00:25:07.519
And we had we've both got kids, she's got lots

507
00:25:07.519 --> 00:25:11.039
of kids, and it was just like texting, facebooking. We

508
00:25:11.119 --> 00:25:13.799
haven't spoken on the phone, but you know, a quick

509
00:25:13.880 --> 00:25:15.640
chat on the phone, and I was like, oh my gosh,

510
00:25:15.640 --> 00:25:17.319
she's going through so much at the moment.

511
00:25:17.400 --> 00:25:18.880
Yea, it is.

512
00:25:19.200 --> 00:25:22.039
Yeah, that's that's such a good example because we've all

513
00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:24.920
had that experience of reading a text or having something

514
00:25:24.960 --> 00:25:28.000
come up and immediately jumping to a conclusion, immediately having

515
00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:31.599
an emotional reaction, and reading all sorts of things into

516
00:25:31.640 --> 00:25:36.000
something that oftentimes doesn't exist. And a simple conversation, a

517
00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:39.279
face to face or a phone actual pick up the phone, Yeah,

518
00:25:39.880 --> 00:25:43.039
conversation would clear up so many.

519
00:25:43.200 --> 00:25:45.720
Full tonality and all of that.

520
00:25:45.799 --> 00:25:47.599
Yeah, so communication.

521
00:25:47.680 --> 00:25:49.920
I think the point is that actually getting face to

522
00:25:49.920 --> 00:25:53.680
face with people and talking to people is really important,

523
00:25:53.680 --> 00:25:55.839
even when it's hard, Even when it's hard, but not

524
00:25:55.920 --> 00:25:59.680
even when there's a conflict, just to build and connect

525
00:25:59.720 --> 00:26:02.960
those relationships, to not allow all of the communication to

526
00:26:03.079 --> 00:26:07.400
always be online, but we so often just quick Facebook

527
00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:09.079
message or text.

528
00:26:09.359 --> 00:26:12.480
I've got some pure online friends. At the moment with

529
00:26:12.599 --> 00:26:14.200
the baby, I've got to pick up my game.

530
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:17.319
Yeah, but don't feel guilty. That's another guilty.

531
00:26:17.480 --> 00:26:19.240
Okay, that's another topic.

532
00:26:19.400 --> 00:26:22.200
Okay, but we are all guilty of it.

533
00:26:22.279 --> 00:26:25.039
I know I went through I've reflected on twenty seventeen.

534
00:26:25.119 --> 00:26:29.079
For me, I think, gee, I was very insular, Like

535
00:26:29.160 --> 00:26:31.440
I was very focused on my work.

536
00:26:31.640 --> 00:26:34.400
I work at home a lot. I've traveled a lot

537
00:26:34.480 --> 00:26:36.519
last year, more than usual.

538
00:26:36.440 --> 00:26:39.160
And I thought, wow, like I really have not spent

539
00:26:39.440 --> 00:26:41.359
quality time, and I'm really getting to that point. I

540
00:26:41.359 --> 00:26:43.559
mean it's been a year, but I'm kind of really craving,

541
00:26:43.920 --> 00:26:46.240
like I need to hook up with some people and

542
00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:48.880
get face to face with some friends. And that just

543
00:26:48.920 --> 00:26:52.480
speaks to how important that is. I've got my husband,

544
00:26:52.519 --> 00:26:54.599
and I've got my daughter, a life, life, and I

545
00:26:54.599 --> 00:26:57.599
see you know, obviously I see people, but those really

546
00:26:57.880 --> 00:27:00.759
important friendships we have to make the time to invest

547
00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:01.079
in them.

548
00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:05.039
Communication is so important in relationships, but sometimes it's really hard,

549
00:27:05.119 --> 00:27:05.519
and you.

550
00:27:05.480 --> 00:27:07.880
Have people who bottle things up.

551
00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:10.200
Yeah, and they don't communicate and that can be really

552
00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:11.839
devastating as well.

553
00:27:12.119 --> 00:27:15.519
Yeah, and again that really that's so true. That's important

554
00:27:15.559 --> 00:27:19.039
because again that comes from that fear of conflict, I

555
00:27:19.039 --> 00:27:22.640
think that and fear of upsetting people or fearing.

556
00:27:22.599 --> 00:27:24.720
How fear of saying no sometimes.

557
00:27:24.559 --> 00:27:27.640
Yes, fear of how people will perceive us, and so

558
00:27:28.519 --> 00:27:30.680
but we have to move past that. And I think

559
00:27:30.839 --> 00:27:35.000
it really involves I suppose when there's something that is

560
00:27:35.039 --> 00:27:36.559
on your mind, if there's something that you feel like

561
00:27:36.599 --> 00:27:38.640
you want to talk to somebody about and you know

562
00:27:38.680 --> 00:27:43.960
that it's important, maybe coming down that anxiety response is

563
00:27:43.960 --> 00:27:46.079
always the first thing. If you feel anxious, that fight

564
00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:48.920
or flight center is very sorry. That fight or flight

565
00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:51.559
reaction is very real in your brain and it does

566
00:27:51.640 --> 00:27:54.680
set off that adrenaline and cortisol and racing hard and

567
00:27:54.759 --> 00:27:57.200
can feel really fearful to have a difficult.

568
00:27:56.799 --> 00:27:58.400
Conversation with somebody.

569
00:27:58.480 --> 00:28:01.319
But I think if you go back to remembering the

570
00:28:01.400 --> 00:28:05.240
quality of the friendship, if you go back to assuming

571
00:28:06.079 --> 00:28:08.640
the best in people, like giving people the benefit of

572
00:28:08.680 --> 00:28:10.559
the doubt, knowing that if you're true and honest about

573
00:28:10.599 --> 00:28:13.599
your feelings that people will generally respond positively to that,

574
00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:16.079
maybe taking the time to write down the things that

575
00:28:16.079 --> 00:28:17.640
are on your mind that you want to say, And

576
00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:19.480
then I think if you can set a side of time,

577
00:28:19.519 --> 00:28:21.519
like even if it is a text, to say, can

578
00:28:21.559 --> 00:28:24.440
we catch up or set it up that there's some

579
00:28:24.480 --> 00:28:27.359
things that I wanted to talk to you about, so

580
00:28:27.480 --> 00:28:32.599
that you know, everybody comes to that conversation prepared and

581
00:28:32.680 --> 00:28:35.720
able to have an honest, honest conversation. It can be

582
00:28:35.799 --> 00:28:38.880
really difficult, but it's an important skill to develop. I

583
00:28:38.920 --> 00:28:41.240
think another thing to keep in mind is that we

584
00:28:41.319 --> 00:28:45.599
tend to we're very egocentric, and that's just part of

585
00:28:45.640 --> 00:28:46.359
the human condition.

586
00:28:46.440 --> 00:28:48.000
That's not an insult to anybody.

587
00:28:48.039 --> 00:28:50.200
We are very much the stories that we tell ourselves

588
00:28:50.240 --> 00:28:51.640
all day long or all about me, me and me,

589
00:28:51.720 --> 00:28:54.480
the story of me, my life, how things might probably

590
00:28:54.799 --> 00:28:57.119
and we will often take things very personally even if

591
00:28:57.119 --> 00:29:00.079
they're not about us, like even if it's not about me.

592
00:29:00.440 --> 00:29:03.519
So sometimes being able to take.

593
00:29:03.359 --> 00:29:06.599
That ego for one a better word out of it

594
00:29:06.799 --> 00:29:09.000
and looking at the situation a little bit more impartially,

595
00:29:09.480 --> 00:29:13.880
and I think also just acknowledging that everybody's got their

596
00:29:13.880 --> 00:29:16.039
own stuff going on, Like most people are walking around

597
00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:19.200
in the world thinking about themselves and their issues and

598
00:29:19.240 --> 00:29:21.920
their problems and everything that's on their plate. So we

599
00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:27.519
can tend to take things personally or assume that something

600
00:29:27.920 --> 00:29:30.720
is about us when it's not about us, and make

601
00:29:31.039 --> 00:29:34.519
bigger like make mountains out of mole hills many times,

602
00:29:34.680 --> 00:29:37.799
and so bringing a bit of perspective back to that,

603
00:29:37.880 --> 00:29:39.880
I mean, I've had a situation where I thought somebody

604
00:29:39.920 --> 00:29:42.400
was upset with me, was mad at me for a

605
00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:44.880
long time, and then I kept thinking of but I

606
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:46.839
made the last and I'm not a tab keeper by

607
00:29:46.880 --> 00:29:48.720
any means, but it got to the point where I thought,

608
00:29:48.720 --> 00:29:51.160
oh gosh, I think I keep trying to make contact

609
00:29:51.160 --> 00:29:52.599
with this person the I'm not really that interested in

610
00:29:52.599 --> 00:29:53.880
talking to me, so maybe I should.

611
00:29:53.640 --> 00:29:54.240
Just back off.

612
00:29:54.680 --> 00:29:57.039
And then it turned out actually that they just had,

613
00:29:58.000 --> 00:29:59.759
like I found out adventually, they just had a lot

614
00:29:59.799 --> 00:30:02.799
going going on and it was nothing to do with me.

615
00:30:03.119 --> 00:30:04.759
Probably the best thing I could have done was to

616
00:30:04.799 --> 00:30:08.839
continue to just or to directly ask is there a problem?

617
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:09.400
Yeah?

618
00:30:09.519 --> 00:30:10.480
Or is this?

619
00:30:10.839 --> 00:30:13.160
Or can I is there something going on for you?

620
00:30:13.160 --> 00:30:15.880
You know? But because I was making the assumptions and thinking,

621
00:30:15.880 --> 00:30:18.559
oh no, I think that the time it happens all.

622
00:30:18.480 --> 00:30:19.440
It all happens all the time.

623
00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:21.279
And I got the cold shoulder from a friend who

624
00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:23.680
bumped into me at the supermarket and I was like,

625
00:30:23.680 --> 00:30:25.400
I've got to go, I've got to go. And then

626
00:30:25.599 --> 00:30:29.000
it was like silence from her for ages and she said, oh,

627
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:31.680
you brushed me off when I bumped into you. I said, no,

628
00:30:32.319 --> 00:30:34.319
I was late to feed on and my boobs were

629
00:30:34.400 --> 00:30:36.680
leaking and my top was wet and I had.

630
00:30:36.559 --> 00:30:38.839
To get out of there, like I literally, I literally

631
00:30:38.880 --> 00:30:39.279
had to go.

632
00:30:39.359 --> 00:30:41.079
And if she had to just text me and said,

633
00:30:41.119 --> 00:30:42.480
why did you rush off on me?

634
00:30:42.480 --> 00:30:45.440
I would have said, oh.

635
00:30:44.640 --> 00:30:47.359
I was leaking milk. I had to leave, like you know.

636
00:30:47.519 --> 00:30:50.839
So it is you can't make those assumptions.

637
00:30:50.359 --> 00:30:51.720
And how we interpret those things.

638
00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:53.440
We've talked about this so many times, but I think

639
00:30:53.480 --> 00:30:55.839
it's so important to keep coming back to it. How

640
00:30:55.920 --> 00:30:58.960
you interpret somebody else's behavior will depend on the day

641
00:30:59.000 --> 00:31:02.559
you've had the movie, you're in, your personal history, your

642
00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:06.039
past relationships which have no bearing on this relationship, and

643
00:31:06.079 --> 00:31:09.640
so just really that's for that mindfulness and checking yourself,

644
00:31:09.680 --> 00:31:12.079
what am I telling myself about this? And if it

645
00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:16.480
you know, oftentimes you know there's no truth to the story.

646
00:31:16.920 --> 00:31:20.640
But it's worth asking the question and having the conversation get.

647
00:31:20.519 --> 00:31:21.400
The whole story.

648
00:31:21.960 --> 00:31:25.720
What if you want to say something to someone but

649
00:31:25.880 --> 00:31:27.400
you're really terrified of.

650
00:31:27.400 --> 00:31:29.160
Their response and what they might think of you.

651
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:33.119
Well, I think that, first of all, you'd have to

652
00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:36.839
wonder about the quality of the relationship. If you're genuinely

653
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:39.480
frightened of how somebody will respond to you telling the

654
00:31:39.559 --> 00:31:44.319
truth to speaking the truth, then what's the dynamic going

655
00:31:44.440 --> 00:31:44.920
on there?

656
00:31:45.519 --> 00:31:48.079
But the other thing I guess is to tell them

657
00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:49.400
to say.

658
00:31:49.599 --> 00:31:51.160
I want to bring this up with you, but I'm

659
00:31:51.160 --> 00:31:53.240
actually a bit concerned about how you're going to respond.

660
00:31:53.279 --> 00:31:53.920
And that might be.

661
00:31:53.799 --> 00:31:56.799
Because in the past you've reacted badly when I've tried

662
00:31:56.839 --> 00:32:00.279
to tell you something that's been difficult. You know, I

663
00:32:00.319 --> 00:32:02.279
haven't had the best response from you. So therefore, you know,

664
00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:04.480
I think it's important that we have this conversation. But

665
00:32:04.519 --> 00:32:07.680
I've got to be honest, I'm really I'm really wondering

666
00:32:07.680 --> 00:32:08.640
how this is going to go.

667
00:32:09.039 --> 00:32:10.640
That's a good one for marriage.

668
00:32:10.319 --> 00:32:13.279
Yeah, good one for marriage, And it puts the onus

669
00:32:13.319 --> 00:32:15.680
back on that person because more than likely they're going

670
00:32:15.759 --> 00:32:17.519
to say, oh, don't.

671
00:32:17.359 --> 00:32:19.519
Be ridiculous, tell me, tell me what's on your mind.

672
00:32:19.559 --> 00:32:20.200
I want to hear.

673
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:22.519
I want to hear, and then you've basically set the

674
00:32:23.359 --> 00:32:27.119
you've set it up that if they react badly. You know,

675
00:32:27.640 --> 00:32:29.519
I always say that to people, like set the ground

676
00:32:29.640 --> 00:32:32.680
rules when things are calm, like when when there's not

677
00:32:32.799 --> 00:32:35.640
something to talk about, you can say, look, when we

678
00:32:35.680 --> 00:32:38.559
have these conversations, is it okay if I this is

679
00:32:38.559 --> 00:32:40.200
what I've experienced in the past with you. Sometimes you

680
00:32:40.279 --> 00:32:42.240
get a little bit sensitive and sometimes you react really

681
00:32:42.279 --> 00:32:46.359
badly and not good, use it badly. But you know,

682
00:32:46.640 --> 00:32:50.119
but is it okay if I pull you up when

683
00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:52.000
you do this thing, or if I start to notice

684
00:32:52.039 --> 00:32:55.319
this thing, and you know, you can gauge then and

685
00:32:55.359 --> 00:32:58.440
oftentimes when things are come and everybody's working, everybody wants

686
00:32:58.480 --> 00:33:03.319
to have a positive relationship. Usually then if they give

687
00:33:03.359 --> 00:33:06.480
you permission then to point it out. If they're doing

688
00:33:06.559 --> 00:33:08.559
that thing, well, then you have permission to point that

689
00:33:08.599 --> 00:33:10.359
thing out, and so.

690
00:33:10.200 --> 00:33:13.640
Then you're not nagging. Then you're not and then having

691
00:33:13.680 --> 00:33:14.160
a go.

692
00:33:15.240 --> 00:33:17.240
When you point something out to somebody, well, you bring

693
00:33:17.319 --> 00:33:20.240
something up with somebody in advance, and then and you

694
00:33:20.279 --> 00:33:22.119
ask permission, can I tell you when I do this

695
00:33:22.160 --> 00:33:25.359
with my husband actually you know, like okay, well sometimes

696
00:33:25.400 --> 00:33:27.240
when I do this, you react like this, and I

697
00:33:27.279 --> 00:33:28.920
want to be able to bring these things up and

698
00:33:28.960 --> 00:33:30.839
he says ok. You know, if he says okay, no

699
00:33:31.160 --> 00:33:32.880
or good, I get that. Yeah, I can see I've

700
00:33:32.880 --> 00:33:35.640
done that sometimes, so you you just tell me. Well,

701
00:33:35.680 --> 00:33:38.559
then in the moment if he reacts, and it's often

702
00:33:38.599 --> 00:33:41.160
those reactions are very habitual and instinctive, but if I

703
00:33:41.160 --> 00:33:43.799
see him do it, I can say, remember we talked about.

704
00:33:43.440 --> 00:33:46.279
This, and it's this one home.

705
00:33:46.079 --> 00:33:49.799
And it's not attacking. It's saying, remember how we I

706
00:33:49.839 --> 00:33:51.720
said that thing. Well, you're kind of doing that.

707
00:33:51.839 --> 00:33:53.240
It makes me feel and he.

708
00:33:53.200 --> 00:33:55.359
Can do the same to me, and it puts you

709
00:33:55.440 --> 00:33:58.240
back on the spot and makes you take responsibility for

710
00:33:58.279 --> 00:34:01.000
your own behavior in that relationship, because if somebody's pointed

711
00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:02.720
out and then they actually call you out on it

712
00:34:02.759 --> 00:34:06.640
and goe well fair call. There, I go, I'm doing it,

713
00:34:07.880 --> 00:34:09.960
And maybe it's then that you know, you take a

714
00:34:10.079 --> 00:34:11.920
brader call, you come back to it, or you'll you

715
00:34:11.960 --> 00:34:14.719
just say okay, no point taken, and I on you go.

716
00:34:14.760 --> 00:34:16.119
But it doesn't have to be a big issue. You

717
00:34:16.159 --> 00:34:17.360
can break some of those patterns.

718
00:34:17.719 --> 00:34:20.679
Yeah, it's really helpful. That's really helpful.

719
00:34:21.000 --> 00:34:24.719
So can we talk a little bit about creating boundaries

720
00:34:24.719 --> 00:34:28.719
because I find that that's the health of a relationship,

721
00:34:29.000 --> 00:34:32.480
especially in the workplace. And perhaps you're not not your

722
00:34:32.519 --> 00:34:36.800
best best friends, but creating those boundaries is so important.

723
00:34:37.079 --> 00:34:39.599
Yes, again, Brene Brown.

724
00:34:39.920 --> 00:34:42.760
I must sound like the most massive Brene Brown fan

725
00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:44.400
because I refer to her all the time. Her work

726
00:34:44.440 --> 00:34:47.519
is so important. But one thing that she says is

727
00:34:47.559 --> 00:34:50.800
the most generous thing you can do in a relationship,

728
00:34:50.800 --> 00:34:53.679
the most generous, then, the most compassionate thing you can

729
00:34:53.719 --> 00:34:56.039
do is to be very clear about your boundaries. So

730
00:34:56.079 --> 00:34:58.239
that means that these people who tend to be people

731
00:34:58.280 --> 00:35:00.480
pleasing and saying yes all the time actually end up

732
00:35:00.519 --> 00:35:05.239
oftentimes feeling very resentful. And you can't give your best

733
00:35:05.639 --> 00:35:07.519
self to a person if you're feeling resentful of that

734
00:35:07.519 --> 00:35:10.440
person for encroaching on your boundaries. So if you can,

735
00:35:10.519 --> 00:35:12.639
if you actually can switch it around, so I'm not

736
00:35:12.679 --> 00:35:16.239
actually doing your disservice by setting a boundary and saying

737
00:35:16.239 --> 00:35:18.880
no to you, I'm actually doing you a favor because

738
00:35:19.079 --> 00:35:22.719
I can really be all there for you within these

739
00:35:22.800 --> 00:35:27.440
within this parameter, within this boundary. So but I can

740
00:35:27.519 --> 00:35:30.079
only be all there for you if I set this boundary.

741
00:35:30.280 --> 00:35:31.360
Do you know, does that make sense?

742
00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:33.320
Yeah? Absolutely? That's so hot, because.

743
00:35:33.159 --> 00:35:35.840
When you feel resentful, when you feel like you're constantly

744
00:35:35.880 --> 00:35:39.880
giving and saying yes, you're people pleasing, you think you're

745
00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:43.679
doing them a favor, but then underneath it, you're feeling so.

746
00:35:43.840 --> 00:35:46.599
And you might stretch yourself too and far and not

747
00:35:46.800 --> 00:35:49.119
give to them exactly what they need because you're in

748
00:35:49.199 --> 00:35:50.400
so many different directions.

749
00:35:50.519 --> 00:35:53.519
Yeap, yep, yeah, And I definitely have found that myself,

750
00:35:53.559 --> 00:35:56.199
like people demanding of me all the time, and we're

751
00:35:56.239 --> 00:35:59.079
available twenty four seven now, and when people start to

752
00:35:59.199 --> 00:36:01.320
text and Facebook message and ask things of you and

753
00:36:01.360 --> 00:36:03.719
demand things, and you go, okay, okay, And if I'm

754
00:36:03.719 --> 00:36:08.320
feeling really like are you right, like can you step

755
00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:10.480
back a little bit? Yes, then I know that I'm

756
00:36:10.480 --> 00:36:14.280
not actually being very generous and compassionate. But if I say,

757
00:36:15.360 --> 00:36:19.679
you know, call me at nine o'clock on Monday, I've

758
00:36:19.679 --> 00:36:20.760
had there a conversation.

759
00:36:20.920 --> 00:36:24.119
Because both of us work very you know, we are

760
00:36:24.119 --> 00:36:26.280
both in our community all the time, and we have

761
00:36:26.400 --> 00:36:29.920
thousands and thousands and thousands of members all wanting our time,

762
00:36:30.039 --> 00:36:34.480
all having questions and we've had to create boundaries.

763
00:36:33.880 --> 00:36:36.880
With that so that we're not online world, yes, so.

764
00:36:36.800 --> 00:36:40.159
That we're not on Facebook at midnight answering questions about

765
00:36:40.199 --> 00:36:44.360
injuries and you know, diet and mindset and falling apart

766
00:36:44.400 --> 00:36:45.079
and falling.

767
00:36:44.840 --> 00:36:45.400
Off the wagon.

768
00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:47.679
We just had to say, okay, we're available through this

769
00:36:47.800 --> 00:36:48.719
email service.

770
00:36:49.159 --> 00:36:49.639
That's it.

771
00:36:49.840 --> 00:36:51.280
So those online boundaries.

772
00:36:51.360 --> 00:36:53.760
That probably will talk about that a little bit more

773
00:36:53.760 --> 00:36:57.400
when we have our episode on the digital detos and

774
00:36:57.440 --> 00:37:00.280
the need to get off offline. But you know, I

775
00:37:00.280 --> 00:37:03.840
think in terms of our face to face relationships, I

776
00:37:03.840 --> 00:37:06.119
think the important thing is when you recognize that a

777
00:37:06.159 --> 00:37:11.599
relationship is not serving you, when that dynamic is, you know,

778
00:37:11.679 --> 00:37:14.719
when you're feeling depleted or drained or brought down or

779
00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:20.079
unsupported by a relationship, then it is okay to put

780
00:37:20.079 --> 00:37:22.360
distance between yourself and that person. There does come a

781
00:37:22.400 --> 00:37:25.559
time some relationships you will naturally outgrow. Some you will

782
00:37:25.639 --> 00:37:28.400
naturally just move apart, and there's you know, it just

783
00:37:28.440 --> 00:37:32.960
happens organically. Sometimes you do actually need to make a

784
00:37:32.960 --> 00:37:36.920
deliberate choice to spend less time with certain people, and

785
00:37:36.960 --> 00:37:39.119
that can feel really difficult and awkward.

786
00:37:39.239 --> 00:37:41.920
We know that, but I think you have to see.

787
00:37:41.679 --> 00:37:47.000
It as when you're saying no to that relationship or

788
00:37:47.000 --> 00:37:50.400
that person, you're freeing up your very precious time and

789
00:37:50.559 --> 00:37:54.079
energy to invest in other relationships that are more quality

790
00:37:54.159 --> 00:37:57.039
and more mutually supportive. And also saying yes to yourself

791
00:37:57.079 --> 00:38:00.320
and your own wellbeing and self care and not prioritizing

792
00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:06.079
somebody else's feelings once needs preferences over what's good for you.

793
00:38:06.480 --> 00:38:07.920
It's important aspect of self care.

794
00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:11.119
Actually, it's very important. Self care has to be priority.

795
00:38:11.199 --> 00:38:14.719
Yeah, so you know, have a have a conversation if

796
00:38:14.760 --> 00:38:16.679
you think it's worth it, and if it's not, or

797
00:38:16.679 --> 00:38:19.199
if it doesn't go well, then I think don't be

798
00:38:19.280 --> 00:38:21.599
afraid to actually cut ties with some people.

799
00:38:22.239 --> 00:38:24.800
That's awesome advice. Thank you, Cass.

800
00:38:24.880 --> 00:38:27.639
You're listening to Crappy to Happy with Tip and Cass.

801
00:38:27.679 --> 00:38:30.039
In the next episode, we're going to be talking about

802
00:38:30.199 --> 00:38:33.320
the importance of a little digital detox. We'll speak to

803
00:38:33.360 --> 00:38:33.639
you then.

804
00:38:35.480 --> 00:38:35.960
That's cool.

805
00:38:39.880 --> 00:38:42.599
Crappy to Happy is presented by Cast Done produced by

806
00:38:42.679 --> 00:38:51.199
Davis Lelenski. Audio production by Darcy Thompson. Listener