The power of relationships

0:02 A listener production. You're listening to. Crappy to Happy with Tip and Cass. Today we're going to talk about healthy relationships because I find they are the most important thing to feeling well and how you make decisions in. Your life and feel positive. It really does affect your positivity. And we were talking in a previous episode about how emotions are contagious, and so I know for me work, relationships, friends, my marriage, my relationship with my son. You know, there are good bad relationships.

0:43 Bad relationships, and a bad relationship can really affect all corners of your life, can't they Yeah, for sure. And you know, I think we all know that as humans, we are hardwired for connection. It's in our DNA to belong to a community. It was our very survival on it. So we are really from birth. I mean, if you want to go back from birth, we can't survive. Were the only species, really, the only mammal that we can't survive without a. Care. We can't walk, we can't feed ourselves, we can't warm ourselves, so we literally need to be long. It means life or death to us. So you know, and there's loads and loads of research showing now how important it actually is.

1:25 I think we all feel it intuitively. We know we feel better when we have quality, supportive people around us, positive relationships, positive people, people to share the joys with as well as to share the sorrows with. But it actually really is crucial to our health and our happiness, and there's lots of research that supports that. Now, really it's fundamental. It is fundamental, and I do find that if I'm a little bit off with a friend or with a relationship, it does seep into everything, into my work, my productivity, my motivation, and it's everything. Yeah, and we did a you know, we talked previously about resilience and one thing I think we didn't even touch on in that resilience episode is the importance of the social connections to help you to manage the stresses of life. Having those supportive social networks can really make the difference to how you handle the ups and downs.

2:18 And we see that all the time in Tiffecso in our community. Of best community, thousands and thousands of men and women. They all have goals, and they all have relationships outside of that community, but that support of those relationships get them to their goals, whether it's weight loss, or conditioning, or maybe it's a mindset goal that they have. We see time and time again them achieving those goals because of the support and those relationships. Support, the encouragement, the accountability, even Yeah, it can really give you a big boost when you're And what I love about it is that if you've got a really good buddy like that, a good friend or a support person like that.

2:59 We all have our own ups and downs. So what we see is one day somebody will be feeling a bit low, kind of flagging in energy, and the other person can give them a boost and give them a pep up. And then another day that might be the opposite. So it works both ways, and that's the key. I think that's the key to really healthy supportive relationships, is that balance of give and take. And we often, as you know, we both know what comes up a lot in our community, not from within the community, but when people talk about relationships outside in their real lives, is the unsupportive relationships and how much of a downer they can be and what to do about that, And like you said, it can really dominate yes, people's moods, and especially. Like I use the example of say, weight loss, like someone is trying really hard with their nutrition, their exercise, they're making changes, and then someone makes a comment about their body or brings takeaway food home when they're trying to cook a healthy meal. And I always come back to this quote I read and a true friend. It's not how they are there for you when you're at your lowest, it's how they're there for you when you're celebrating you're a gem, when they're.

4:07 Happy for you. And you know, I had a friend who lost quite a bit of weight, and her friends just made a thing of absolutely not not acknowledging it, never saying you look great, good on you, you're really making change. They're not there to celebrate her wins, and they're bringing her down, And I just hate that. It's really interesting. It can be quite indicative of the quality of a relationship, can't it, Because oftentimes the people that are that you, that are close to you, the people that see you all the time and who know you well, they're not they're not often your biggest fans when it comes to the successes and less they're not always the ones who are cheering you on when you achieve good Yes, interestingly, yes, it will be you know, maybe your closest friends, your mum's always got your back on your mom and your best friends, but other people they tend.

4:58 To be anything. But then they're there when. You fall apart, they're like, I want to pick you up. Yeah you're in the gutter, and they're like, oh, we'll help you now. But yeah, when you're being a success, it's a lot harder. And you know, I use this term and I share this a lot. It's a Buddhist term called medita, and it means literally means sympathetic joy, and it means being happy for somebody else's happiness. And so there's this practice in Buddhism we cultivate I'm not on Buddhist, but in the Buddhist in a philosophy, tradition and meditation and mindfulness, it's cultivating that capacity to be happy for other people's happiness and happy for other people's success, because it's human nature to maybe get a little bit envyers or to maybe feel a bit of what about me? And if somebody else is achieving happiness and success, you know, and you're not. But it's a real it's a quality of a true friend to be able to go beyond that and actually say, well, good for you.

5:55 I know, I'm really happy for you. Love seeing your success and we love such do we love having those people around us? Yeah, one hundred percent. It's so important. So let's all be that person. Yeah, let's be that person. And if you're an empowered, confident person, then you can empower and instill confidence in other people. So yeah, you have to invest in that in yourself. We all know how important it is to stay connected and have good relationships. But what's some of the science around this. We know a lot now about the importance of social connections. And one study that I often refer back to, and there are lots and lots, and I can talk about a few of them, but one study that's been really interesting. Because it's the world's longest running.

6:36 Study of adult development, and it's called the it's called the Harvard Study of Adult Development, and it began in nineteen thirty eight with a group of men. And the reason it began with men weeks because they were the only ones who were allowed to go to university at that time. So things have changed now, But it began with two hundred and sixty eight sophomores at Harvard and they took measures of every aspect of their wellbeing, their life, their physical and mental wellbeing, lifestyle, and they've tracked them. They've kept track of them. So John F. Kennedy was was in that group. Incredible, some very quite famous men have been in that group and they've tracked them all the way through. And then later in the seventies they added a control group in with another group of Boston men, I think, but they have since extended it to include wives and offspring and the fact that they keep getting funding. I'm pretty sure it's still running now, So what's that eighty years?

7:31 So it certainly was. Up until a few years ago it was still running and they were still pulling research out of it, so they've had to change study directors over time. But anyway, what they found from this study is that the most important predictor of health and longevity and of happiness throughout life was the quality of your relationships. So that includes marriage, friendships, community ties, you know, connections in your community. The fundamentally that over and above exercise, smoking, drinking, like all of the other lifestyle factors that you would think would affect health and career success. And never think that you'd always help life smoking or you know.

8:15 Over and above alcohol and drinking and smoking, relationships really fascinating. I really hope that they can continue that for a really long time because they will never get they will never replicate it. It's amazing. So if we're talking about relationships being the number one factor to living a long, happy life. And there's reasons for that too as well. So and you know, there's been other studies looking specifically at the impacts of your social connections and your health. One study found that your risk of the risk of death with people of people with fewer social ties was twice as high as those with more social ties. You know, they sort of evaluate the quality of the non quantity of people's relationships and then they're more reality risk. Basically, people who are more isolated, have lower quality relationships or lower quality social ties, are at greater risk of cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, cancer, They have slower to heal from illnesses and wounds, like it directly affects your physical health in many ways. And then you know, loneliness, really it's a killer. Loneliness kills people, so they stay sad. Well, it's important, isn't it.

9:35 It's so important. And I was just thinking about my grandfather. He's ninety five and he's in care, and he was in palladive care earlier last year, and he made a comeback. He's kicked out a pallady tear ken was kicked out of palliadive care. Dying and moved into a home. But and he was taking off all his medication and made such a comeback. And he's doing really well. Wow. But one thing my grandfather has always done, he's such a great socializer. He has friends that visit him every day. He's made friends in his home. He's so fantastic like that, and I do think that's keeping him going. Like when when he. Was at his lowest, he was isolated, but I have seen evidence of that at ninety five.

10:18 That's amazing. He's amazing, he is. He's amazing. So you know, it is important. And talking about the health and the happiness of your relationships, then how do you know if you are in a relationship that isn't serving you or you know, perhaps could be a bit toxic. How can you identify that toxic? The whole topic of toxic relationships comes up so often as well, because it isn't quantity of relationships. It's quality. It's that mutually supportive, committed connection. And as you as. You grow and you get older, you tend to have less friends, don't you? Or is that just me? Am I just revealing something?

11:00 But I mean I used to have heaps and heaps of friends, but now I have less friends, but a quality, yes. But better. Yeah, I think I think that's pretty normal. I don't know what the science is, but I dare say that as as we move, grow up and move on, I mean, we tend to make friends in school, when we go to university, and make friends at work. And as we move on and we couple up and get married or we have kids, well, life just often goes. In different, you know, different directions. You haven't got time for anyone who hasn't the time. The time that we have available for those friendships often diminishes, so that can be a problem. But also, yeah, we're just move in different directions, or we move physically. I've lost not lost friends, but I have had friendships sort of fizzle out because I've physically moved into state and it's just hard to stay. We've got social media that helps with that now, but it's not the same.

11:50 It's not the same, is it? And you can could you mistake social media friendships for real friendships? I think people do connect it Yeah, And I know I can Facebook someone or text someone and I'm like, I haven't actually talked to that person or heard their voice in months. Do you know what I think about social media as well? So it's really important to get off social media. We'll talk about that. A bit later, but I can talk about it. But the thing that I noticed one time was that social media was giving me the illusion of connection. I realized that I felt like I was keeping up with all these people, like I get that hit of I can see what you're doing, I can see how your kids are growing up, and I can sort of keep up with your life, and you feel like you're connected.

12:34 But when you actually get face to face with somebody and you realize how much of their lives that you actually no nubty because it's not on social media. And you've said it time and time again, you're keeping up with their highlight real exactly low lights so exactly. So coming back to acknowledging relationship, relationship, Yeah, how do you know. I think, generally speaking, no science to this. This is just generally speaking, how you feel after you've spent time with the person is an indicator of whether. That's a yeah, that's what I was going to say, quality, it feels zapped. Or yeah, lifted. You will know if you've if you spend time with people.

13:17 Everybody has their ups and downs, but occasionally you'll have that person in your life and we hear this often. We've all experienced this, that person who is constantly on a downer or they they never really have anything nice to say, so. They're all about themselves and you're always giving or coaching or trying to help them, and they're never there for you. And we don't want to. You know, people have difficult times and that's okay, but it's just so it's not I always I don't really like that toxic relationship phrase because it feels like they're a toxic person, and I think it's just more that they're not. It's not a healthy thing for you at that time, you know, and at a different time maybe they'll you can shift that balance back, but it's it's it's okay, it's nothing necessarily. Sometimes it's not necessarily anything like wrong with the person. I don't want to demonize people, but we know ourselves that the dynamic of the relationship doesn't work, you know, it's that dynamic.

14:12 And is it selfish to distance yourself from I don't think so. If you're putting your health and well being and your mindset first. I don't think so. I think that sometimes it's essential. Actually, could it be self care? I think so. It depends on the I think people have to make a personal decision based on how important the relationship is, sometimes how long that person has been in their life. You know, we all people come and go, and depending on your personal history with a person, you might want to spend more time or invest more time before you end a friendship. But I think sometimes it gets to a point where you have to end friendships that are really not good for your own mental health that they would.

14:53 We have limited time, and so we want to choose where to invest our time with people. Feelings up and not. Feeling drained and depleted and taken advantage job. Or you use that term social sustenance. So I've heard you use that, and that's a great way of putting it. Feeling depleted versus feeling nourished. Yeah, and there's various you know we talk about when you do talk about toxic relationships, it's that plays out in various different ways. You know, there's the constantly jealous person, or the negative person, or the one who puts you down all the time and makes you feel badly about yourself.

15:35 I've had clients tell me and you know, young girls who will say, every time I go out with this person, she suddenly becomes all about wanting to get attention from all the boys and she ignores me and I sit in the corner. You know, it's these kinds of things, or you know, being excluded from social gatherings. I see on Facebook that they're all doing something that they're not inviting me. You know, that sort of stuff can be really damaging. So in social media, lets you know, ye once upon a time you may not have known if you hadn't been invited, and everyone can your secret. Now you do. There's multiple platforms that will tell you so. Yes, so yeah. Sometimes you know, it's it's times it's important to cut most ties and invest your energy in the relationships that support you, I think is the important thing. It's not just about cutting people off, it's about redirecting your energy into more healthy relationships that support you and give you that sustenance that we all need.

16:33 How do relationships affect your well being? Positive or negative? Well, I think. Health wise, there's some you know, we talked before about how relationships are support good health and that poor quality relationships are indicators, you know, predictors of ill health. There's some reasons for that, and so one of them is that the actual stress. For example, if you're in an unhappy marriage, you know, and there's a lot of studies about marriage, but if you're in an unhappy marriage or you have a really chronically stressful relationship, then we know that chronic stress affects. Your physical health.

17:13 So sometimes it is just that stress on your immune system and all of that stuff that we already know about stress. So there's that very direct relationship. Another aspect is actually the social contagion effects. So the fact that we sort of when we're in a group, we tend to behave like the group, and sometimes the group that we associate with they might engage in some really unhealthy all the time in the community, food, alcohol, you know, stuff that doesn't support a healthy lifestyle. But if that's your social circle, that's the group that you're running, and that will have very directive effect on your own health as well. I've seen that time and time again in the community. For example, if someone's trying to eat healthily and they go to someone's house for dinner and they're sabotaged by that person saying we're having pizzas, They're like, I told you, I'm trying really hard. Can't we make healthy pizzas? Or can't I bring a salad as well? So there's two options, and they feel completely like they feel that they have to eat the pizza because they're they're outnumbered by people want to eat pizza and.

18:14 Not always going out to friends. Often it's partner bringing. It in, yes, and partners bringing bringing. Them the two liter soft drink and the family pizza deal. Oh, why don't we sit down watch a movie? Take away? I really was going to exercise. Now is going to put on a video and do a video at home? No, let's just watch TV and relax. I'm sitting down, do it like. That's it. That's the social contagion, and that can be really you know, it can impact your health and your psychological health and your emotions. So I feel unsupported yeah. And also I think it does affect relationships to affect you know, your your goals in life in terms of I had a really bad boss, and instead of knowing how to deal with that relationship in terms of perhaps expressing or whatever, I just quit my job and that effects did everything. I never went back and it actually I never went back to that industry or that career.

19:06 That's a really good example of how the importance of been able. To manage I didn't know how to manage it. Social issues, yeah, and relationship issues. Great example. Yeah, So there's lots of ways. That our relationships have an impact directly and indirectly on our physical and mental health. In terms of our mental health, it's proven too that happiness and social relationships. Quality social relationships have a bidirectional relationship. So if you're a happy person, you are more likely to have quality relationships. You tend to inject that positivity into your relationships. But also if you have quality relationships, it makes you happier, so it creates a very positive.

19:47 Cycle. They actually feedback into each other, so happiness and positive relationships are very very interconnected. That's amazing, Cass. We're going to come back after a quick break and talk about ways you can make those relation reationships a whole lot healthier. You're listening to Crappy Tore, Happy with Tiff and CAFs, and we're talking about healthy relationships. We've just been speaking about how to acknowledge if a relationship isn't serving you or supporting you, and now let's chat about some tools and tips to help improve those relationships. I guess the logical place to start is communication. You know, communication is key in relationships and often avoided though interestingly so, you know, because I think we all are fearful of difficult communications.

20:36 We avoid conflict, we hate conflict, we're all affrontation, all hate conflict. And so what it means is that oftentimes things will go on said, and if you have an issue with somebody will tend to avoid it rather than yeah, rather than. Deal with it directly. Or when we do communicate, then it's not the most helpful way. A bit too emotional in the moment. Or a bit too we might make a lot of assumptions, or you know, not listening properly. And this is all just because it's a Relationships are so important to us, and they really you know, if they're not going well, we can become really upset by that. So oftentimes the communication is not as balanced and rational as it could be.

21:19 But I think, you know communication. We were just talking about this earlier, how our society really evolved to be what it is, our species actually involved to be what it is purely because of our capacity to communicate, to create language. And I was just saying that that goes both ways. Actually, we have the capacity to build cities and societies and you know the amazing things that we have achieved as a human race because of our capacity to communicate. But equally, language can be the thing that brings us undone because we are and this is this has come out of some research as well in psychology.

22:00 We're the only species who for whom language. Let me get this right, because for example, if I ask you now to imagine a lemon, juicy ripe, yellow lemon, you're imagining that in your mind, and then I imagine you put it down on a chopping board and pick up a shiny, stainless steel, very sharp knife and slice through that lemon effortlessly. It slices through, it opens up, you can see it, pick it up. Imagine smelling that lemon, that lemon, and then squeezing a drop of lemon juice onto your tongue, and if you're imagining that, you can experience all of that physiological reaction in your body to that lemon, even though there is.

22:49 No lemon here in the room, making that lemon face. Yeah, I know, you can do the same thing about anything that we imagine or anything. And that was purely me telling you, talking to you about a lemon. But you have a physiological reaction to that lemon. So the stories that we tell ourselves in our heads can also affect us physiologically, can affect us emotionally, affect us psychologically. So yeah, So that the power of communication is really important, I guess is the key there. And social relationships. We are primed for to be alert to threat. Again, that's in our DNA, that's part of our evolutionary biology. We're alert to threat. Our fight or flight response is very very strong. These days, we are far less likely to be attacked by a lion or a grizzly bear. But what we perceive to be threatening is social threat. Often social hostility, conflict, being judged by other people, being perceived in a negative way by other people.

23:51 So this set and it can. Just be a text, or it can be a comment, we can be the stories we make up in our head and it sets off that fight off flight response. So we've got to be when we talk about relationships, so we've got to be really aware of all of this stuff that we often just are doing to ourselves and the way our body is responding to assumptions and the. Style which I had an example of this this week. I'd reach out to one of my best friends. She said, let's catch up. Let's catch up, as it's difficult. I've broken my ankle. I can't walk. Can we postpone? And she came back with it was just a broken ankle. And I was really offended because it's affected my work. I can't pick up the baby, I can't wait, but I can't drive. And then I was stewing on this for a couple of days and then I text back and are you okay? I just thought, so you're okay, And she was actually going through her other friend.

24:40 They had cancer and she was going through that, and so she. Meant, it's just a broken bone, it's not life threatening. That's what she was meaning. I completely understood we missed each other on a note and we're fine. But I had assumed, Oh, she's attacking me. She thinks I'm weak, she thinks I'm being a princess about this. You know, isn't that also indicative of the problem with text based communication and everything? And we had we've both got kids, she's got lots of kids, and it was just like texting, facebooking. We haven't spoken on the phone, but you know, a quick chat on the phone, and I was like, oh my gosh, she's going through so much at the moment. Yea, it is. Yeah, that's that's such a good example because we've all had that experience of reading a text or having something come up and immediately jumping to a conclusion, immediately having an emotional reaction, and reading all sorts of things into something that oftentimes doesn't exist. And a simple conversation, a face to face or a phone actual pick up the phone, Yeah, conversation would clear up so many.

25:43 Full tonality and all of that. Yeah, so communication. I think the point is that actually getting face to face with people and talking to people is really important, even when it's hard, Even when it's hard, but not even when there's a conflict, just to build and connect those relationships, to not allow all of the communication to always be online, but we so often just quick Facebook message or text. I've got some pure online friends. At the moment with the baby, I've got to pick up my game. Yeah, but don't feel guilty. That's another guilty. Okay, that's another topic. Okay, but we are all guilty of it. I know I went through I've reflected on twenty seventeen.

26:25 For me, I think, gee, I was very insular, Like I was very focused on my work. I work at home a lot. I've traveled a lot last year, more than usual. And I thought, wow, like I really have not spent quality time, and I'm really getting to that point. I mean it's been a year, but I'm kind of really craving, like I need to hook up with some people and get face to face with some friends. And that just speaks to how important that is. I've got my husband, and I've got my daughter, a life, life, and I see you know, obviously I see people, but those really important friendships we have to make the time to invest in them. Communication is so important in relationships, but sometimes it's really hard, and you.

27:05 Have people who bottle things up. Yeah, and they don't communicate and that can be really devastating as well. Yeah, and again that really that's so true. That's important because again that comes from that fear of conflict, I think that and fear of upsetting people or fearing. How fear of saying no sometimes. Yes, fear of how people will perceive us, and so but we have to move past that. And I think it really involves I suppose when there's something that is on your mind, if there's something that you feel like you want to talk to somebody about and you know that it's important, maybe coming down that anxiety response is always the first thing. If you feel anxious, that fight or flight center is very sorry. That fight or flight reaction is very real in your brain and it does set off that adrenaline and cortisol and racing hard and can feel really fearful to have a difficult.

27:56 Conversation with somebody. But I think if you go back to remembering the quality of the friendship, if you go back to assuming the best in people, like giving people the benefit of the doubt, knowing that if you're true and honest about your feelings that people will generally respond positively to that, maybe taking the time to write down the things that are on your mind that you want to say, And then I think if you can set a side of time, like even if it is a text, to say, can we catch up or set it up that there's some things that I wanted to talk to you about, so that you know, everybody comes to that conversation prepared and able to have an honest, honest conversation. It can be really difficult, but it's an important skill to develop. I think another thing to keep in mind is that we tend to we're very egocentric, and that's just part of the human condition.

28:46 That's not an insult to anybody. We are very much the stories that we tell ourselves all day long or all about me, me and me, the story of me, my life, how things might probably and we will often take things very personally even if they're not about us, like even if it's not about me. So sometimes being able to take. That ego for one a better word out of it and looking at the situation a little bit more impartially, and I think also just acknowledging that everybody's got their own stuff going on, Like most people are walking around in the world thinking about themselves and their issues and their problems and everything that's on their plate. So we can tend to take things personally or assume that something is about us when it's not about us, and make bigger like make mountains out of mole hills many times, and so bringing a bit of perspective back to that, I mean, I've had a situation where I thought somebody was upset with me, was mad at me for a long time, and then I kept thinking of but I made the last and I'm not a tab keeper by any means, but it got to the point where I thought, oh gosh, I think I keep trying to make contact with this person the I'm not really that interested in talking to me, so maybe I should.

29:53 Just back off. And then it turned out actually that they just had, like I found out adventually, they just had a lot going going on and it was nothing to do with me. Probably the best thing I could have done was to continue to just or to directly ask is there a problem? Yeah? Or is this? Or can I is there something going on for you? You know? But because I was making the assumptions and thinking, oh no, I think that the time it happens all. It all happens all the time. And I got the cold shoulder from a friend who bumped into me at the supermarket and I was like, I've got to go, I've got to go. And then it was like silence from her for ages and she said, oh, you brushed me off when I bumped into you. I said, no, I was late to feed on and my boobs were leaking and my top was wet and I had.

30:36 To get out of there, like I literally, I literally had to go. And if she had to just text me and said, why did you rush off on me? I would have said, oh. I was leaking milk. I had to leave, like you know. So it is you can't make those assumptions. And how we interpret those things. We've talked about this so many times, but I think it's so important to keep coming back to it. How you interpret somebody else's behavior will depend on the day you've had the movie, you're in, your personal history, your past relationships which have no bearing on this relationship, and so just really that's for that mindfulness and checking yourself, what am I telling myself about this? And if it you know, oftentimes you know there's no truth to the story.

31:16 But it's worth asking the question and having the conversation get. The whole story. What if you want to say something to someone but you're really terrified of. Their response and what they might think of you. Well, I think that, first of all, you'd have to wonder about the quality of the relationship. If you're genuinely frightened of how somebody will respond to you telling the truth to speaking the truth, then what's the dynamic going on there? But the other thing I guess is to tell them to say. I want to bring this up with you, but I'm actually a bit concerned about how you're going to respond. And that might be. Because in the past you've reacted badly when I've tried to tell you something that's been difficult. You know, I haven't had the best response from you. So therefore, you know, I think it's important that we have this conversation. But I've got to be honest, I'm really I'm really wondering how this is going to go.

32:09 That's a good one for marriage. Yeah, good one for marriage, And it puts the onus back on that person because more than likely they're going to say, oh, don't. Be ridiculous, tell me, tell me what's on your mind. I want to hear. I want to hear, and then you've basically set the you've set it up that if they react badly. You know, I always say that to people, like set the ground rules when things are calm, like when when there's not something to talk about, you can say, look, when we have these conversations, is it okay if I this is what I've experienced in the past with you. Sometimes you get a little bit sensitive and sometimes you react really badly and not good, use it badly. But you know, but is it okay if I pull you up when you do this thing, or if I start to notice this thing, and you know, you can gauge then and oftentimes when things are come and everybody's working, everybody wants to have a positive relationship. Usually then if they give you permission then to point it out. If they're doing that thing, well, then you have permission to point that thing out, and so.

33:10 Then you're not nagging. Then you're not and then having a go. When you point something out to somebody, well, you bring something up with somebody in advance, and then and you ask permission, can I tell you when I do this with my husband actually you know, like okay, well sometimes when I do this, you react like this, and I want to be able to bring these things up and he says ok. You know, if he says okay, no or good, I get that. Yeah, I can see I've done that sometimes, so you you just tell me. Well, then in the moment if he reacts, and it's often those reactions are very habitual and instinctive, but if I see him do it, I can say, remember we talked about. This, and it's this one home. And it's not attacking. It's saying, remember how we I said that thing. Well, you're kind of doing that.

33:51 It makes me feel and he. Can do the same to me, and it puts you back on the spot and makes you take responsibility for your own behavior in that relationship, because if somebody's pointed out and then they actually call you out on it and goe well fair call. There, I go, I'm doing it, And maybe it's then that you know, you take a brader call, you come back to it, or you'll you just say okay, no point taken, and I on you go. But it doesn't have to be a big issue. You can break some of those patterns. Yeah, it's really helpful. That's really helpful. So can we talk a little bit about creating boundaries because I find that that's the health of a relationship, especially in the workplace. And perhaps you're not not your best best friends, but creating those boundaries is so important.

34:37 Yes, again, Brene Brown. I must sound like the most massive Brene Brown fan because I refer to her all the time. Her work is so important. But one thing that she says is the most generous thing you can do in a relationship, the most generous, then, the most compassionate thing you can do is to be very clear about your boundaries. So that means that these people who tend to be people pleasing and saying yes all the time actually end up oftentimes feeling very resentful. And you can't give your best self to a person if you're feeling resentful of that person for encroaching on your boundaries. So if you can, if you actually can switch it around, so I'm not actually doing your disservice by setting a boundary and saying no to you, I'm actually doing you a favor because I can really be all there for you within these within this parameter, within this boundary. So but I can only be all there for you if I set this boundary.

35:30 Do you know, does that make sense? Yeah? Absolutely? That's so hot, because. When you feel resentful, when you feel like you're constantly giving and saying yes, you're people pleasing, you think you're doing them a favor, but then underneath it, you're feeling so. And you might stretch yourself too and far and not give to them exactly what they need because you're in so many different directions. Yeap, yep, yeah, And I definitely have found that myself, like people demanding of me all the time, and we're available twenty four seven now, and when people start to text and Facebook message and ask things of you and demand things, and you go, okay, okay, And if I'm feeling really like are you right, like can you step back a little bit? Yes, then I know that I'm not actually being very generous and compassionate. But if I say, you know, call me at nine o'clock on Monday, I've had there a conversation.

36:20 Because both of us work very you know, we are both in our community all the time, and we have thousands and thousands and thousands of members all wanting our time, all having questions and we've had to create boundaries. With that so that we're not online world, yes, so. That we're not on Facebook at midnight answering questions about injuries and you know, diet and mindset and falling apart and falling. Off the wagon. We just had to say, okay, we're available through this email service. That's it. So those online boundaries. That probably will talk about that a little bit more when we have our episode on the digital detos and the need to get off offline. But you know, I think in terms of our face to face relationships, I think the important thing is when you recognize that a relationship is not serving you, when that dynamic is, you know, when you're feeling depleted or drained or brought down or unsupported by a relationship, then it is okay to put distance between yourself and that person. There does come a time some relationships you will naturally outgrow. Some you will naturally just move apart, and there's you know, it just happens organically. Sometimes you do actually need to make a deliberate choice to spend less time with certain people, and that can feel really difficult and awkward.

37:39 We know that, but I think you have to see. It as when you're saying no to that relationship or that person, you're freeing up your very precious time and energy to invest in other relationships that are more quality and more mutually supportive. And also saying yes to yourself and your own wellbeing and self care and not prioritizing somebody else's feelings once needs preferences over what's good for you. It's important aspect of self care. Actually, it's very important. Self care has to be priority. Yeah, so you know, have a have a conversation if you think it's worth it, and if it's not, or if it doesn't go well, then I think don't be afraid to actually cut ties with some people.

38:22 That's awesome advice. Thank you, Cass. You're listening to Crappy to Happy with Tip and Cass. In the next episode, we're going to be talking about the importance of a little digital detox. We'll speak to you then. That's cool. Crappy to Happy is presented by Cast Done produced by Davis Lelenski. Audio production by Darcy Thompson. Listener