Transcript
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A listener production, Welcome to another solo episode of crap It.
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I have here today. What I want to share with
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you is an idea that I was introduced to a
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few years ago, and I found it so simple, this model,
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but also so relevant to a lot of what I
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knew that my clients were experiencing and people that I
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had worked with. And this idea is called the three
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circle model, and it is the foundation of a particular
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approach to therapy called compassion focused therapy. So anybody who
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has listened to me for a while knows that I
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am all about compassion, particularly self compassion. I have interviewed
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Kristen Nefro on the podcast a couple of times before,
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who is one of the world's leaders, if not the
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world leading researcher in the area of self compassion. So
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there's another psychologist by then of Paul Gilbert, and he
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also does a kind of therapy called compassion focused therapy.
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And so let me tell you about the three circle model.
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So essentially, it is the idea that we humans have
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three primary emotional systems operating according to the way our
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brain is kind of structured. We have these three predominant
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emotional systems, which are also sort of motivational systems. So
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let me explain what they are. One of them, obviously,
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is the threat system. So we're all very familiar with
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the threat system. The threat system is responsible for keeping
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us safe. So this is the part of our brain
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that is activated whenever we perceive any kind of threat
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or danger, whether there is really any threat or danger,
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when we perceive threat or danger, and it operates on
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the principle that we are better to be safe than sorry.
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And so what this means is that it will identify
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something as a risk even if it's not necessarily a risk,
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because if it does that nine times or ten times,
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and the one time we actually are in danger, then
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we will stay safe and therefore we will be more
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likely to go on to reproduce. And for that reason,
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this kind of highly active threat response system, this fight
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or flight system, is very well developed in US, and
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it is literally encoded into our DNA because that highly
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risk averse nature has been passed down through generations for
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thousands and thousands of years. The threat system is associated
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with the release of cortisol and adrenaline, and it is
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associated with the emotions of anxiety, of anger, of disgust,
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anything that we are have an aversion to. So, as
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you know, it's the fight or flight or freeze response
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in the face of any perceived threat or danger. That's
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the threat system. The second system, the second circle in
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this model is the drive system. Now the drive system
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is associated with achieving reward, achieving goals, or accumulating resources.
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So this is a feel good kind of system. This
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is the pleasure that we get from dopamine. So the
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hormone associated with this is dopamine. And this is all
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about doing things we enjoy, having fun, achieving goals, maybe
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doing work that you enjoy, anything that gives you that
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feel good dopamine hit. It's also about accumulating or consuming,
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so buying things we all know that lovely dopamine hit
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we get when we purchase something new, eat or drink
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something that gives you that bit of a reward hit
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in your brain and we are motivated. So dopamine is
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the hormone that is associated with doing more of that thing.
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People often refer to dopamine as the pleasure kind of hormone.
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It's not actually pleasure necessarily, it's motivation. It remembers what
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you did that felt good. And so you are motivated
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to do it again. That's the drive system. The third
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system in the three circle model, the third circle is
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the sooth system. So the soothe system is also associated
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with feeling good, but it is more the pleasure that
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comes from resting, connecting with friends, being calm and relaxed,
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socially connected. This is the as it says, it's the
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soothing system. It's associated with the hormone oxytocin. So in
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the animal kingdom, I guess, or back in our primitive days,
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if you can imagine these three systems all working in balance.
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If you are out seeking to hunt and gather food,
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acquiring resources that are going to feed you or sustain
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the tribe, then that's the drive system in action. If
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you are under threat, then the threat system kicks in.
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You're out hunting for food and suddenly you spot a predator.
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The threat system kicks in. You fight off the predator
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or you run to safety, and then you calm down
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once you are out of danger. That's how the threat
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system is supposed to work. It is supposed to be
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a short shout burst and then you calm down and
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then you're out of danger. If there is nothing more
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to acquire. You've got all that you need, everybody's well fared,
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there is no danger. Well, then you all relax, you
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sit around the fire, you connect your bond, and that
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is the soothing system in action. Ideally, those three circles
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are all operating and there is a healthy balance between
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the three, so they each kind of switch on when
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we need them. Both the drive system and the sooth system,
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as I said, are associated with feeling good, but with
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a very different sort of a driver, a very different
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sort of a focus. One is, as I said, achieving
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goals or acquiring resources. One is very much calm, rest, digest, connect,
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share with others, relax. Basically, what can also happen is
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things can get out of balance. And where things get
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out of balance is when you are feeling constantly like
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you are under threat, feeling constantly anxious, constantly lacking. For example,
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a lot of people who I work with, for example,
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who experience imposter syndrome or lack of confidence in the workplace,
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and I've talked a lot about confidence on this podcast.
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Then sometimes it is that sense of lack, or that
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feeling of fear or fear of judgment, fear of being
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found out, fear of being criticized, that feeling of not
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being good enough. That is what's activating the threat response.
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It's not the deadline, it's not the work project. It's
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actually coming from within you, that feeling of threat. And
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then you start activating the drive system as a way
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of mitigating that anxiety, as a way of suppressing or
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dealing with that anxiety. So what happens is then you
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end up overworking, overperforming, going into things like excessively setting
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more and bigger goals, achieving more outcomes. I see this
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all the time with imposter syndrome. I see this all
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the time with the overwork that goes along with feeling
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like you're not enough in the workplace, for example. And
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what happens there is that you're constantly ping ponging between
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that's an expression ping ponging, you ping pong between the
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threat system and the drive system. And what that is
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doing is keeping you stuck in this loop of I
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feel not enough, I feel afraid, I feel less than,
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I feel anxious, and so I turn myself into knots
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over working, setting more goals, achieving more targets. Maybe it's
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losing weight, working out running, doing things that in and
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of themselves may not necessarily be bad things, but you're
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doing those things not for the satisfaction of achieving the goal,
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not for that dopamine hit that comes from just doing
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something for the love of it and because you value it,
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but because you are doing it to try to dampen
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down the threat response. So what we've got happening then
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is threat based drive. Instead of just a threat system
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and a drive system, we've got threat based drive. We
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are driven to do things to compensate from our feeling
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of fear or anxiety. So when I first did this training,
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i did the training it was all around compassion focused
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therapy for people with eating issues and body image issues.
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Of course, this whole concept and this model and this
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theory is not only relevant to eating disorders and body
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image issues, but it is very relevant. So, for example,
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if you have a body image issue or an issue
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with food, you can arbitrarily set yourself a goal to
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consume only let's say five hundred calories a day or something.
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You can set yourself these arbitrary goals that give you
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that dopamine rush when you achieve them. Food restriction, losing weight,
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seeing numbers go down on scales, these can become very dangerous.
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But when you're using those to compensate for a sense
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of lack, a sense of not being good enough, a
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feeling of being out of control, so your threat system
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is active, and then you're using this drive system to
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try to manage that fear or that threat. And what
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happens is you have these If you imagine, these three
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circles are supposed to be all sort of the same,
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the same shape and size, and in balance, what you
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have is a very underdeveloped sooth system. There's no rest
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in digest, there's no connection what happens, particularly if there
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is an eating issue, particularly if you feel like you
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are lacking, like you're not good enough at your job,
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if you feel like you're not good enough in your relationships,
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and these are all activating the threat response, you're getting
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a very very enlarged and over active threat response. And
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what also often happens is that you feel a sense
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of isolation or shame. You don't want to share how
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you're feeling because you don't feel very good about yourself,
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so this is not something you necessarily want to talk about,
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so you're not going and talking to other people to
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share your experience, to have that social connection, that social support,
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the bonding, the opportunity to be accepted and to connect
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with another person. You're feeling very stuck and isolated in
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your own feelings of self criticism and self judgment. So
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the soothing system is very underdeveloped. It becomes very small,
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and rather than using the soothing system to make you
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feel better, to help you to feel better from the inside,
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instead you're looking outside of you to some arbitrary goal
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and the dopamine hit to feel better. I often share
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this model in my groups, and particularly in my confidence
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coaching program, the importance of self compassion and so I
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share this three circle model, and one of my previous
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participants in that group said to me, my, gosh, I've
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just realized that. You know, for as long as I
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can remember, whenever I was feeling a bit down, whenever
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I was feeling a bit crappy about myself, whenever I
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was feeling a bit lonely or just down on myself,
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then what I would do is I would get out
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a fresh piece of paper and I would write myself
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a whole list of goals. And I think a lot
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of us can relate to that, that going for a
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goal I'm going to fix myself. I'm going to prove myself.
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I'm going to do something. I'm going to get fit,
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I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to whatever it
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might be. We set ourselves these goals as a way
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of making ourselves feel better, which is using our drive system,
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using that resource acquisition or you know, I want to
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go as shopping, I'm going to combine myself something. So
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we use our drive system to soothe ourselves instead of
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actually using our sooth system, which is that social connection bonding.
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And if it's not social connection and bonding with another person,
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we can actually activate our own sooth system through self compassion.
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And we are typically not very good at self compassion.
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I talk about this all the time as well. We're
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very very big on self judgment, self criticism. We get
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very down on ourselves, as we've discussed, and what we
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can do, and what you might find is really helpful
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to do, is to actually activate some self compassion in
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the absence of connecting with another person and having receiving
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some compassion or some social support from somebody else to
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make you feel okay, to make you feel better. Then
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act of adding some self compassion is a great antidote
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to help you to get out of that threat. Drive
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back forth, back forth, ping ponging backwards and forwards, and
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keeping yourself stuck into anxiety and overwork and self improvement,
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and constantly staying on that treadmill of doing more and
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trying to be more and trying to achieve more in
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order to feel better about yourself. That is not the answer.
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We have to stop, and we have to look at
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what is driving all of that achievement, What is driving
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all of that doing, What is driving all of that
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whatever it is, and if it is coming from some
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internal place of lack and not an actual external threat,
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not an actual potential risk or crisis or danger. If
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it's coming from within you, then the way to soothe
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that is not by going outside of you. It's coming
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back within you and activating some self soothing, so self soothing,
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self compassion. There are lots of processes that you can
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use to do that. For example, the self compassion process
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as taught by doctor Kristin Neff, who developed this process,
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involves three steps. One is acknowledge how you're feeling. Acknowledge
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that there is some suffering here, that this is painful,
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that this is harsh that I'm feeling bad about myself
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for whatever reason, that I'm struggling, be very honest about
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what it is that you're thinking and what you're feeling.
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The second is the second step in the process is
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common humanity. And common humanity means remembering that we are
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all in this together, that you are not the only
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person who has ever felt like this, that other people,
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everybody has felt the way you feel right now at
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some point, and that helps to counter that feeling of isolation,
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because often when you're down on yourself, you're feeling inadequate
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in some way, You're feeling lacking in some way. There
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is a real sense that I'm the only one who
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is struggling with this, I'm the only one who feels
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like this. So common humanity helps you to connect to