The three circles model of emotions

0:02 A listener production, Welcome to another solo episode of crap It. I have here today. What I want to share with you is an idea that I was introduced to a few years ago, and I found it so simple, this model, but also so relevant to a lot of what I knew that my clients were experiencing and people that I had worked with. And this idea is called the three circle model, and it is the foundation of a particular approach to therapy called compassion focused therapy. So anybody who has listened to me for a while knows that I am all about compassion, particularly self compassion. I have interviewed Kristen Nefro on the podcast a couple of times before, who is one of the world's leaders, if not the world leading researcher in the area of self compassion. So there's another psychologist by then of Paul Gilbert, and he also does a kind of therapy called compassion focused therapy.

1:07 And so let me tell you about the three circle model. So essentially, it is the idea that we humans have three primary emotional systems operating according to the way our brain is kind of structured. We have these three predominant emotional systems, which are also sort of motivational systems. So let me explain what they are. One of them, obviously, is the threat system. So we're all very familiar with the threat system. The threat system is responsible for keeping us safe. So this is the part of our brain that is activated whenever we perceive any kind of threat or danger, whether there is really any threat or danger, when we perceive threat or danger, and it operates on the principle that we are better to be safe than sorry.

2:02 And so what this means is that it will identify something as a risk even if it's not necessarily a risk, because if it does that nine times or ten times, and the one time we actually are in danger, then we will stay safe and therefore we will be more likely to go on to reproduce. And for that reason, this kind of highly active threat response system, this fight or flight system, is very well developed in US, and it is literally encoded into our DNA because that highly risk averse nature has been passed down through generations for thousands and thousands of years. The threat system is associated with the release of cortisol and adrenaline, and it is associated with the emotions of anxiety, of anger, of disgust, anything that we are have an aversion to. So, as you know, it's the fight or flight or freeze response in the face of any perceived threat or danger. That's the threat system. The second system, the second circle in this model is the drive system. Now the drive system is associated with achieving reward, achieving goals, or accumulating resources.

3:27 So this is a feel good kind of system. This is the pleasure that we get from dopamine. So the hormone associated with this is dopamine. And this is all about doing things we enjoy, having fun, achieving goals, maybe doing work that you enjoy, anything that gives you that feel good dopamine hit. It's also about accumulating or consuming, so buying things we all know that lovely dopamine hit we get when we purchase something new, eat or drink something that gives you that bit of a reward hit in your brain and we are motivated. So dopamine is the hormone that is associated with doing more of that thing.

4:09 People often refer to dopamine as the pleasure kind of hormone. It's not actually pleasure necessarily, it's motivation. It remembers what you did that felt good. And so you are motivated to do it again. That's the drive system. The third system in the three circle model, the third circle is the sooth system. So the soothe system is also associated with feeling good, but it is more the pleasure that comes from resting, connecting with friends, being calm and relaxed, socially connected. This is the as it says, it's the soothing system. It's associated with the hormone oxytocin. So in the animal kingdom, I guess, or back in our primitive days, if you can imagine these three systems all working in balance.

5:02 If you are out seeking to hunt and gather food, acquiring resources that are going to feed you or sustain the tribe, then that's the drive system in action. If you are under threat, then the threat system kicks in. You're out hunting for food and suddenly you spot a predator. The threat system kicks in. You fight off the predator or you run to safety, and then you calm down once you are out of danger. That's how the threat system is supposed to work. It is supposed to be a short shout burst and then you calm down and then you're out of danger. If there is nothing more to acquire. You've got all that you need, everybody's well fared, there is no danger. Well, then you all relax, you sit around the fire, you connect your bond, and that is the soothing system in action. Ideally, those three circles are all operating and there is a healthy balance between the three, so they each kind of switch on when we need them. Both the drive system and the sooth system, as I said, are associated with feeling good, but with a very different sort of a driver, a very different sort of a focus. One is, as I said, achieving goals or acquiring resources. One is very much calm, rest, digest, connect, share with others, relax. Basically, what can also happen is things can get out of balance. And where things get

6:32 out of balance is when you are feeling constantly like you are under threat, feeling constantly anxious, constantly lacking. For example, a lot of people who I work with, for example, who experience imposter syndrome or lack of confidence in the workplace, and I've talked a lot about confidence on this podcast. Then sometimes it is that sense of lack, or that feeling of fear or fear of judgment, fear of being found out, fear of being criticized, that feeling of not being good enough. That is what's activating the threat response.

7:14 It's not the deadline, it's not the work project. It's actually coming from within you, that feeling of threat. And then you start activating the drive system as a way of mitigating that anxiety, as a way of suppressing or dealing with that anxiety. So what happens is then you end up overworking, overperforming, going into things like excessively setting more and bigger goals, achieving more outcomes. I see this all the time with imposter syndrome. I see this all the time with the overwork that goes along with feeling like you're not enough in the workplace, for example. And what happens there is that you're constantly ping ponging between that's an expression ping ponging, you ping pong between the threat system and the drive system. And what that is doing is keeping you stuck in this loop of I feel not enough, I feel afraid, I feel less than, I feel anxious, and so I turn myself into knots over working, setting more goals, achieving more targets. Maybe it's losing weight, working out running, doing things that in and of themselves may not necessarily be bad things, but you're doing those things not for the satisfaction of achieving the goal,

8:45 not for that dopamine hit that comes from just doing something for the love of it and because you value it, but because you are doing it to try to dampen down the threat response. So what we've got happening then is threat based drive. Instead of just a threat system and a drive system, we've got threat based drive. We are driven to do things to compensate from our feeling of fear or anxiety. So when I first did this training, i did the training it was all around compassion focused therapy for people with eating issues and body image issues.

9:26 Of course, this whole concept and this model and this theory is not only relevant to eating disorders and body image issues, but it is very relevant. So, for example, if you have a body image issue or an issue with food, you can arbitrarily set yourself a goal to consume only let's say five hundred calories a day or something. You can set yourself these arbitrary goals that give you that dopamine rush when you achieve them. Food restriction, losing weight, seeing numbers go down on scales, these can become very dangerous. But when you're using those to compensate for a sense of lack, a sense of not being good enough, a feeling of being out of control, so your threat system is active, and then you're using this drive system to try to manage that fear or that threat. And what happens is you have these If you imagine, these three circles are supposed to be all sort of the same, the same shape and size, and in balance, what you have is a very underdeveloped sooth system. There's no rest in digest, there's no connection what happens, particularly if there is an eating issue, particularly if you feel like you are lacking, like you're not good enough at your job, if you feel like you're not good enough in your relationships, and these are all activating the threat response, you're getting a very very enlarged and over active threat response. And what also often happens is that you feel a sense

10:58 of isolation or shame. You don't want to share how you're feeling because you don't feel very good about yourself, so this is not something you necessarily want to talk about, so you're not going and talking to other people to share your experience, to have that social connection, that social support, the bonding, the opportunity to be accepted and to connect with another person. You're feeling very stuck and isolated in your own feelings of self criticism and self judgment. So the soothing system is very underdeveloped. It becomes very small, and rather than using the soothing system to make you feel better, to help you to feel better from the inside, instead you're looking outside of you to some arbitrary goal and the dopamine hit to feel better. I often share this model in my groups, and particularly in my confidence coaching program, the importance of self compassion and so I share this three circle model, and one of my previous participants in that group said to me, my, gosh, I've just realized that. You know, for as long as I can remember, whenever I was feeling a bit down, whenever I was feeling a bit crappy about myself, whenever I was feeling a bit lonely or just down on myself, then what I would do is I would get out

12:30 a fresh piece of paper and I would write myself a whole list of goals. And I think a lot of us can relate to that, that going for a goal I'm going to fix myself. I'm going to prove myself. I'm going to do something. I'm going to get fit, I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to whatever it might be. We set ourselves these goals as a way of making ourselves feel better, which is using our drive system, using that resource acquisition or you know, I want to go as shopping, I'm going to combine myself something. So we use our drive system to soothe ourselves instead of actually using our sooth system, which is that social connection bonding.

13:13 And if it's not social connection and bonding with another person, we can actually activate our own sooth system through self compassion. And we are typically not very good at self compassion. I talk about this all the time as well. We're very very big on self judgment, self criticism. We get very down on ourselves, as we've discussed, and what we can do, and what you might find is really helpful to do, is to actually activate some self compassion in the absence of connecting with another person and having receiving some compassion or some social support from somebody else to make you feel okay, to make you feel better. Then act of adding some self compassion is a great antidote to help you to get out of that threat. Drive back forth, back forth, ping ponging backwards and forwards, and keeping yourself stuck into anxiety and overwork and self improvement, and constantly staying on that treadmill of doing more and trying to be more and trying to achieve more in order to feel better about yourself. That is not the answer.

14:35 We have to stop, and we have to look at what is driving all of that achievement, What is driving all of that doing, What is driving all of that whatever it is, and if it is coming from some internal place of lack and not an actual external threat, not an actual potential risk or crisis or danger. If it's coming from within you, then the way to soothe that is not by going outside of you. It's coming back within you and activating some self soothing, so self soothing, self compassion. There are lots of processes that you can use to do that. For example, the self compassion process as taught by doctor Kristin Neff, who developed this process, involves three steps. One is acknowledge how you're feeling. Acknowledge that there is some suffering here, that this is painful, that this is harsh that I'm feeling bad about myself for whatever reason, that I'm struggling, be very honest about what it is that you're thinking and what you're feeling.

15:39 The second is the second step in the process is common humanity. And common humanity means remembering that we are all in this together, that you are not the only person who has ever felt like this, that other people, everybody has felt the way you feel right now at some point, and that helps to counter that feeling of isolation, because often when you're down on yourself, you're feeling inadequate in some way, You're feeling lacking in some way. There is a real sense that I'm the only one who is struggling with this, I'm the only one who feels like this. So common humanity helps you to connect to some sense of a shared experience I shared human experience. We're all human, we all struggle, nobody's perfect, nobody's got it all together. And then the third is to shift to self kindness as opposed to self judgment. So offering yourself the same sort of kindness, patience, tolerance that you would a friend, asking yourself, if my friend was feeling like this, what would I say to her or to him, would I treat somebody else the way that I'm treating myself right now? If you can actually go to another person and have them offer you some compassion, well that could be even better. But if not, then offering yourself that sort of compassion and that kindness is a great starting point. Other things that you can do to activate the sooth system that do not involve self compare things like massage, yoga, taking slow, deep breadths, grounding yourself here in the present moment, connecting your feet to the floor,

17:11 bringing yourself back here to the present moment, relaxing music, breathing in calming essential oils. You're putting some essential oil into a diffuser and playing some just chill out music, something that really feels and sounds calming and soothing, soothes your senses. Warm bath, warm shower. As I said, massage can be very good and actually the physical relaxation of your muscles and your body, some meditation, some mindfulness if you're able to use that, or some guided relaxation. You can find apps and YouTube videos that will talk you through guided relaxation processes, so that can be very good for soothing and relaxing your body, and I guess ultimately just so for time, really focusing on that self soothing aspect, really thinking about those three circles and asking yourself how balanced are they? What is driving my behavior? There is nothing wrong with pursuing goals, There is nothing wrong with achieving the things that you want to achieve in life, but being able to recognize when this is a threat based drive, when this is I'm doing this out of some sort of sense of lack or some perceived threat or feeling of anxiety, or feeling of not being good enough, and recognizing that what I'm actually doing is I am using drive to feel good. I'm trying to use dopamine

18:42 to feel good because I'm not feeling good because my threat system is causing me to not feel good. The threat system never feels good, And I'm trying to use the drive system and the reward system and the dopamine and achieving more and doing more as a way to feel good, when what I probably really need is a little bit more of the sooth system. I need some more rest and digest I need some more calm and connection. I need some more slowing down breathing. I need to take a few minutes to just I think the problem is that for a lot of us, in a busy world where there's a lot to be done, and in our go go, go, achieve, do more, be more, have more, be more busy world that we live in, we see rest and digest and relax and connect often as a bit of a waste of time, as a bit trivial, and we don't have time for it. And I feel like what we really need to understand is that for ourselves to remain healthy and well and imbalance, for our bodies to remain in harmony, for our brains to be able to operate efficiently, for us to be able to think clearly make good decisions like we talked about in the Window of Tolerance episode a couple of weeks ago, then it is really vital that we actively, intentionally take time out to soothe, to bring our soothing system back

20:17 online and back into balance, and to treat it as equally important as the drive system and the threat system. So I hope that that has been in some way helpful. Obviously, if this was a YouTube video, i'd be able to draw you the three circles, but I hope that I've been able to explain them to you reasonably well, just be able to picture in your own mind those three circles, those three systems, and to be able to get a sense for yourself about whether they're in balance or whether maybe one is a little bit out of balance. And often for many people it is an over active threat system and then an underdeveloped soothe system. And so what we then do is we, like I said, we go to the drive system. So what we need to do is to have a sense of your own three circles, those three systems, whether they're in balance. And if you have an idea that perhaps you have an overactive threat system or an overactive drive system and the sooth system might need a little bit of attention, and perhaps you can take some time out this week and to focus on the activities that might help you to build up that sooth system to keep you functioning well, to keep you healthy, and to recognize when you're slipping into those achieve and acquire kind of behaviors that are potentially misplaced,

21:48 that are potentially attempting to compensate for something else that's going on. I hope that you find that helpful. Let me know if not, If you've got any questions, by all means email me and please do share with me your feedback. If you have any other topics that you would like me to cover as well, and I will catch you next time. I'm crappy to happy listener.