Understanding attachment styles

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A listener production. Hello, and welcome to another solo.

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Episode of Crappy to Happy, And this week I'm answering

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another listener question. I love this so much. A listener

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has asked for me to explain attachment theory.

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I couldn't be more excited to get.

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This question because it is honestly one of my favorite topics.

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I've thought about talking about this many times before, but

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to be honest, I've sort of assumed that everybody kind

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of understands what attachment theory is and what attachment styles are,

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but obviously not. So I'm very happy to do an

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explainer to let you know basically about attachment theory, but

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also how it relates to you, how it relates to

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you in your adult relationships, perhaps in your parenting, and

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even in the workplace. And this might even end up

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needing to be a two parter because I think when

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we start talking about attachment theory in the workplace, then

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that could potentially be a whole other topic.

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We'll see how we go.

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Attachment refers to the emotional bond between two people, particularly

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between a parent and a child. So John Bolby was

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a psychotherapist back in the nineteen forties nineteen fifties who

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came up with this concept of attachment theory, a theory

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of the way infants and caregivers attach, which he appropriately

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called attachment theory. Up until that point, I should say,

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the world of psychology was very much focused on behavioral psychology.

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You know that all children's behavior was based on reward

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and punishment, and so if you wanted a child to

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stop crying, for example, then you would not reward that behavior.

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You would not reward crying by picking them up, because

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that would just reinforce that behavior. That was very much

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the whole skinner sort of operant conditioning and Pavlovian kind

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of thinking. John Bolby came along and said no, he

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thought that there was something else going on emotionally, and

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he establish this idea that there is a relationship that

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forms between an infant and a caregiver. So what attachment

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theory basically says is that there is a system at play,

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There is a process that is carried out between an infant. Remember,

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human infants are the most helpless species at birth and

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any other on the planet. They can't we cannot feed ourselves,

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warm ourselves, regulate our body temperature. We can't walk you know,

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a baby giraffe will minutes after birth, or a baby

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purse will be up and walking. They can fend for

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themselves pretty much. Human infants cannot. They would die without

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the support and the care of another human being. There's

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a saying that there is never just a baby. There

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is always a baby and someone, because a baby cannot

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survive without that someone.

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So when a.

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Baby communicates a need, and they have many, maybe they're hungry,

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maybe they're cold, maybe they are uncomfortable, then they communicate

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that need to a caregiver.

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And when that caregiver.

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Responds to that need, So here's the call, usually a cry,

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let's face it. And then the caregiver responds in a

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way that is sensitive, attuned to what the need is appropriate.

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They offer comfort if the child is distressed, if they're cold,

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they warm them, they change their clothes, you feed them,

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all of those things. Then that is the attachment system

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at play. That is the circle. The loop is closed.

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Infant has a need, signifies distress, caregiver responds to the need.

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Everyone is happy, and therefore add a secure bond develops.

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And by that I mean that the infant forms an

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internal working model of that relationship. An internal working model

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the world that says, if I have a need, somebody

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will be there to meet that need. If I am distressed,

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somebody will comfort me. If I'm hungry, if I can

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express that, then somebody will respond and they will feed me.

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They will be sensitive, they'll pick up on what I

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want and need, and they will be able to provide

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that for me. So if that works well, if that

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is how it plays out on a reasonably consistent basis,

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And obviously there's no perfect parent, and obviously we get

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it wrong sometimes and parents get angry, and parents get distracted,

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and parents have got older toddlers running around the house

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and they can't always pick up the kid the minute

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that it cries. We get all of that, But if

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that plays out consistently enough, then that child will form

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what we know as a secure attachment. And there's a

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lot of implications to whether a child has a secure

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attachment or whether they don't, So essentially that is one

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option that they develop a secure attachment, develop a working

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model of relationships and of the world, that they are

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worthy of being loved and cared for, that their needs

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will be met, that there is somebody there who cares

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for them, and they grow up with that internal working model,

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and that pretty much plays out in their later lives,

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in their adult relationships and the relationships at school when

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they make friends. They just tend to be more healthy

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and emotionally well adjusted. But we'll get to all of

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that in a minute, of course. The other option is

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that they might develop an insecure attachment. So if that

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system isn't working, and if the adult is not always available,

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is not sensitive, is not attuned and responsive, is not

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available to meet that child's needs, then potentially that child

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will develop an insecure attachment. So there are various types

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of insecure attachment. And also, just by the way, just

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picking up on that early theory, John Bolby developed attachment theory. Initially,

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it was Mary Ainsworth, a student of his, who further

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developed this theory later on, I think the sixties it was.

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And she went in and she observed infants in their

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home with their caregivers, and she observed relationships playing out,

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and she actually came up with an assessment whereby she

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could tell pretty accurately what a child's attachment style was,

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whether they were securely or insecurely attached. By about eighteen months,

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you can pretty reliably predict a child's attachment style very

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very early on. These patterns form early, so if there

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is a mismatch there, if there is, if there is

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not a sensitive response for whatever reason, then a insecure

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attachment can form. Under that banner of insecure attachment, we

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can have an anxious attachment, an avoidant attachment. And initially

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that's what all we thought. We thought there was either

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anxious or avoidant attachment, or later on they added a

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fourth which was called disorganized attachment. If the caregiver is inconsistent,

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unp predictable, if the caregiver is sometimes available, one day

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they're responding and the next day they're angry. If they

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are intrusive, overly intrusive in the infant's life, intervening all

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of the time, not letting them just do their thing,

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not letting them explore the world, and that child can't

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form a solid, coherent sort of picture of that there

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is going to be predictability with that caregiving, that they

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are going to consistently be available, then they might develop

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what is called an anxious attachment. In the instance where

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a caregiver is emotionally withdrawn, if they're emotionally shut down,

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if the child learns that when they express when remember

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the first part of the process is that the child expresses,

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the infant expresses a need in some way, if the

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caregiver is emotionally withdrawn, shut down, just avoidant generally, and

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that child learns that it's not really there's not really

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any point expressing a need because that's not safe, it's

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not going to get me anywhere, well, then they can

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develop an avoidant attachment. An avoidant means they just basically

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avoid their own emotional needs because they learn very quickly

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to shut down their attachment system. In the case of

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the anxious attachment, those infants they tend to kind of

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rev up their attachment system because they feel like if

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they keep crying enough, or if they keep reaching out enough,

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or if they keep expressing their need enough, then maybe

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one of those times that will get what they need.

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So there is this sort of insecurity about this anxiousness

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about their attachment system. The anxiously attached infant or caregiver

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or adult is threatened by too much distance. They're threatened

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by too much separation because they're not sure that that

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adult is going to come back and it's going to

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be there for them. So even later in life, and

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we'll get to talking about this, they become threatened by

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too much separation. They want closeness, they want proximity, they

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want reassurance. They avoidantly attached. They get threatened by too

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much closeness that doesn't feel comfortable to them because they're

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not used to it. They have no imprint. Remember this

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is your internal working model. These are your how you

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learn to relate to other people, your blueprint for relationships

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and interactions with people, from your earliest age, before you've

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even got language. For this, you are learning just by

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your experience. So the earliest earliest age, before they even

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are verbal, that infant is learning. We don't rely on

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people because people aren't always going to be there for us.

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We don't tell people what we want because people can't

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be trusted to be there. So we're much better off

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to just shut that down and just rely on ourselves.

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So these people grow up to be self explanatory right

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like emotionally avoidant. They keep people at arm's length. They

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don't like too much closeness in relationships that makes them

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feel uncomfortable. The anxiously attached is more likely to be

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constantly wanting closeness, constantly wanting reassurance, and often that even

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when they get that reassurance, it just doesn't seem to

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stick because that imprint, that blueprint is so deeply embedded

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in their psyche from such an early age that it's

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really hard to shake. So there's anxious, there's avoidant, and

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the fourth one is disorganized. So disorganized attachment refers to really,

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you know, really abusive or neglectful relationships where an infant

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at that very very early age, the person that they

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look too for to have their needs met, that caregiver

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that they rely upon to have their needs met, is

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at the same time the person they need to be

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protected from. So if their caregiver is either frightening, scary,

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you know, abusive, or helpless like doesn't know what to

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do when the baby cries, just don't even get it

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together to even like completely lose themselves, like drop their

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bundle when a baby cries, so helpless, sorry, frightened or frightening,

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other words often used to describe the caregiver of the

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disorganized attachment. So it's almost like those little brains just

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can't make sense of that. They just doesn't compute, and

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so they often grow up to have more complex mental

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health issues. If you have been in that situation, then

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you would know what I'm talking about.

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You'd be very familiar.

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Maybe even things like borderline personality disorder, you know, other

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sort of complex post traumatic stress things like that.

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If there's been abuse in those.

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Early relationships, they are it's a very small percentage of

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the population. So typically around about fifty to sixty percent

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of the population in non clinical populations, just the general

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public will have a secure attachment. So if you are

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one of those, yay, that's great, and I can tell

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you what all of the benefits of a secure attachment are.

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Typically around about I think twenty to twenty five percent

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are avoidant and around twenty percent are anxious, and then

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a tiny percentage will have a disorganized attachment.

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That's how attachment styles.

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Develop, That's how they kind of are created in early life,

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primarily just to recap infants. What they need is they

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need for a caregiver to be a secure base from

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which they can go out and explore. They need somebody

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who's able to be a solid kind of a rock.

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They need to be able to go and explore, but

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also for that person to be a safe haven to

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which they can return when they are distressed or they

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need comfort. They need that person to be available to them,

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not just for comfort and protection if they're distressed, but

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also just to be engaged, to delight in them, to

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validate them, to be interested, to make eye contact, you know,

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constantly reassuring and kind of validating them just for their existence.

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So if you think about that, the safe haven is

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being willing to open their arms and accept that infant

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in when they do need something, not just tell them

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pick themselves up and off you go and you're fine,

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you're not dying, you're not bleeding, you'll be you know,

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actually give them some comfort and validate and acknowledge their

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very genuine emotional needs at the time that they're expressed,

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but also not be so overly protective and intrusive and

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overly coddling that they're not willing to let that infant

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actually go out and take some risks and explore. So

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they're the two key components of a secure attachment. I

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guess I think that's important to state. It's that balance

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of being willing to let them go but also being

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willing to welcome them back. And at most of the time,

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you know at least half of the time. Then being

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tuned in enough, being present enough, mindful enough to be

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able to pick up on what they're needing at any

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given time, so that you can actually respond and give

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them what they need, even if it's a look of reassurance.

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Some kind words are cuddle or feed them, change them,

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dress them, pick them up, comfort them, whatever it is.

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So that's the fundamentals of secure attachment. If those things

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are there, then all is good for various reasons. Some children,

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obviously almost half forty percent, will grow up with an

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insecure attachment some variation of an insecure attachment, and that

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has various implications. Where do we go from there. Initially,

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attachment theory was all about children. It was all about

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parenting and caregiving and infant relationships. Later on in the

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eighties some people started to explore what this means for

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adults and started looking at adult attachment, and there is

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now an adult attachment assessment that you can actually do.

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You need to see a therapist a trained assessor to

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do that assessment. Most people can kind of get a

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sense for themselves about what their own attachment style is

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and have some sense of their personal history and also

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what they're like in relationships, but you really probably shouldn't

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be self diagnosing. If you're really interested in this stuff,

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then then there's an actual proper assessment process that you

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can go through, but you have to go through it

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with a trained assessor.

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It's very specific assessment.

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What we used to think was the way you were

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parented was the biggest predictor of how you will parent.

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If you grew up with avoidant If you have an

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avoidant attachment, then you're most likely to have avoidantly attached kids.

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And that can be quite scary for many adults who

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perhaps didn't necessarily have the caregiving or the relationship with

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their own parents that they would have liked, and it

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can be terrified you think that you're going to pass

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that same pattern onto your children. What they have actually

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found is that it's more how much sense you can

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make of your early experience, if you have worked through

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that stuff, if you have a concoherent narrative, if you

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don't deny it or minimize it or pretend everything was

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perfect when it was great, or if you don't overly

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embellish how bad things were like, if you have a

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sort of a reasonable sense of perspective about your early

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experience and you can put it in context, and you

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can talk about it with a sense of sort of balance,

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emotional balance and regulation. You're not still holding grudges, you know,

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or like I said, pretending that everything is actually great

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now I had amazing childhood, my parents are fantastic, when.

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Actually that was not the case.

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Then that's actually a stronger predictor of how you will

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parent your own children, your ability to cultivate and foster

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a secure attachment in your own children. So it really

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is all about how much you can reflect and make

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sense of your own early experiences. Just wanted to say

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that children who develop a secure attachment are more likely

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to have good emotional regulation. They have healthier relationships, higher

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quality friendships. They tend to be more kind, more compassionate.

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They are much less likely to develop mental health issues later.

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They're much less likely to develop anxiety, depression, addiction, have

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behavioral issues. The children who do have those issues behavioral

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issues at school, underperforming at school, end up with addiction problems,

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end up with relationship conflicts. They often will have an

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insecure some variation of an insecure attachment. As adults, if

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you have a secure attachment, you are more likely to

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have really good emotional regulation. Again, you are comfortable being

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depended on by others and also comfortable depending on others

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you are trusting as well as trustworthy. It's called interdependence.

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Where you are comfortable in a relationship to rely on,

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to lean on others, and also to have others lean

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on you. You're more likely to take responsibility for your

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own emotions, for your own part in a relationship, less

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knocked down by criticism or negative feedback, because there's that

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strong sense of yourself and your own worthiness, and your

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own just basic right to respect and kindness, and just

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the sense of yourself as a worthy person or as

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that can be a little bit missing in somebody who

303
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has an insecure attachment. So ideally getting into a relationship

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with somebody who is securely attached is a great thing,

305
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but there's not that many of them to go around. Oftentimes,

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what we see happen is that somebody who has, for example,

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an anxious attachment will hook up with somebody who has

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an avoidant attachment, and it's almost like they do this,

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it's like this subconscious pattern plays out where they go

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for the person that is the worst person for them,

311
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So they are highly needing reassurance and closeness and proximity

312
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and loads of reassurance in a relationship, and they hook

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up with this person who pushes them away, keeps them

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at arm's lengths, who struggles with closeness, and what that

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does is it just continually feeds into their anxiety and

316
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they end up on this sort of treadmill where they're

317
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constantly coming back and trying to turn this thing around

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and trying to get this person to give them what

319
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they need when that person is never going to give

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them what they need. So somebody with an anxious attachment

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00:19:30.920 --> 00:19:35.680
should not be with somebody who has an avoidant attachment. Ideally,

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what we would all be striving for is to all

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develop our own earned security. Somebody with an avoidant attachment

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can hook up with somebody who has got an avoidant

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attachment also, but often those relationships will fizzle out. They

326
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can continue but be pretty unpassionate, if.

327
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That's a word like.

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These are really like two individuals kind of sharing time together,

329
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but both on their own path. There's not a lot

330
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of intimacy there, there's not a lot of closeness there,

331
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and sometimes that can feel safe and comfortable for both

332
00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:13.880
of them because they know that the other person isn't

333
00:20:13.920 --> 00:20:16.680
going to threaten them with wanting too much closeness.

334
00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:19.720
So there's all sorts of ways that these relationships.

335
00:20:19.759 --> 00:20:22.839
Can play out when you get together with somebody who

336
00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:26.920
has potentially a different attachment style to you. So again

337
00:20:27.000 --> 00:20:30.880
that could potentially be a topic for another show. However,

338
00:20:31.160 --> 00:20:34.720
attachment styles can be fairly enduring if you are not

339
00:20:35.079 --> 00:20:38.640
doing the work that you need to do to turn

340
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things around. So here's the other important point. There is

341
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such a thing as earned security. If you had or

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00:20:45.960 --> 00:20:49.640
have had an insecure attachment, if you know that you

343
00:20:49.799 --> 00:20:53.119
have had, you have an anxious attachment or avoidant attachment,

344
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just from the things that I've just said earlier, it

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is possible to turn that around. There is such a

346
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thing as earned security, and you develop earned security by,

347
00:21:02.279 --> 00:21:05.279
like I just said, working through that stuff yourself, having

348
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healthy adult relationships. It's very easy in adulthood to replay

349
00:21:11.240 --> 00:21:15.680
the same unhealthy relationship dynamics over and over and over.

350
00:21:15.960 --> 00:21:17.799
And if you do that, the more you continue to

351
00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:21.799
do that, the more you are continuing to reinforce potentially

352
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an insecure attachment style. If you can cultivate a healthy

353
00:21:27.799 --> 00:21:35.039
relationship where there is mutual trust, respect, toned down whatever

354
00:21:35.079 --> 00:21:40.039
your anxious or avoidant tendencies are. Then over time you

355
00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:42.720
can turn that around and you can develop essentially a

356
00:21:42.759 --> 00:21:47.079
secure attachment. But let's talk about how these attachment styles

357
00:21:47.799 --> 00:21:50.519
show up in your adult relationships. I did touch on

358
00:21:50.559 --> 00:21:54.839
it briefly before, but essentially, somebody who has an anxious

359
00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:59.559
attachment is hyper sensitive, hyper sensitive to any sort of

360
00:22:00.119 --> 00:22:03.400
rejection or criticism, concern that you might be mad at them.

361
00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:06.359
If you don't answer a text, you know they might

362
00:22:06.359 --> 00:22:08.279
start going into If this is you, you might know

363
00:22:08.279 --> 00:22:10.240
that you start going into oh my goshav I've done something?

364
00:22:10.319 --> 00:22:14.359
Are they mad at me? This is what an anxious

365
00:22:14.359 --> 00:22:19.160
attachment style will do. There is a constant feeling of

366
00:22:20.519 --> 00:22:25.079
worry that somebody's not happy with you, and a fairly

367
00:22:25.200 --> 00:22:29.039
constant need to seek reassurance, particularly from a romantic partner,

368
00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:33.039
but potentially also from friends, potentially also in the workplace.

369
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It's this constant need for reassurance. It can look like clinginess, neediness.

370
00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:40.039
It can be.

371
00:22:40.200 --> 00:22:44.839
Jealousy, like extreme jealousy in relationships, always thinking that something's

372
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going wrong, never fully trusting that the other person is

373
00:22:47.799 --> 00:22:49.759
really going to be there for you one hundred percent.

374
00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:51.960
And like I said, even if they reassure you, that

375
00:22:52.039 --> 00:22:56.039
might make you feel better for five minutes, but then

376
00:22:56.079 --> 00:23:01.279
that anxiety that insecurity crops up again. It's really hard

377
00:23:01.799 --> 00:23:06.839
to internalize that felt sense of security and trust in

378
00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:10.200
the relationship. It's just not there within you. It can

379
00:23:10.240 --> 00:23:14.119
take a lot of work in a relationship. And you know,

380
00:23:14.200 --> 00:23:17.359
and you can imagine that a partner might get pretty

381
00:23:17.400 --> 00:23:21.559
frustrated with this, constantly feeling like they need to reassure

382
00:23:21.559 --> 00:23:23.039
you all the time, and they have to prop you

383
00:23:23.119 --> 00:23:24.319
up all the time, and they have to make you

384
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:27.480
feel better all of the time. But over time, if

385
00:23:27.480 --> 00:23:29.200
you work on yourself, if you're willing to do the

386
00:23:29.200 --> 00:23:33.160
work on yourself and stop relying on somebody else outside

387
00:23:33.160 --> 00:23:36.160
of you to reassure you, and actually work on cultivating

388
00:23:36.200 --> 00:23:40.079
that sense of self worth within yourself, then it is

389
00:23:40.200 --> 00:23:43.920
possible to turn that around. Oftentimes, people with an anxious

390
00:23:44.519 --> 00:23:49.400
attachment drive people away because they are so insecure and

391
00:23:49.559 --> 00:23:53.920
needy and clingy and jealous that people, you know, people

392
00:23:53.960 --> 00:23:57.839
will struggle with that. If you're an avoidantly attached person,

393
00:23:58.039 --> 00:24:00.359
then your issue is that you don't like to ask

394
00:24:00.400 --> 00:24:04.200
for help very self reliant, don't want to get too close.

395
00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:08.720
Often will go through adult life like never really forming

396
00:24:08.759 --> 00:24:12.480
a solid commitment, little bit commitment pvhobic. It's not that

397
00:24:12.559 --> 00:24:16.160
they can't be you know, loving and intimate, but if

398
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:19.680
things get too close, if things get too emotionally intimate,

399
00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:24.559
then they back away. It feels uncomfortable. What happens with

400
00:24:24.599 --> 00:24:28.240
the emotionally avoidant person is that as the relations ship

401
00:24:28.279 --> 00:24:30.839
starts to develop and they get closer, then they start

402
00:24:30.920 --> 00:24:35.440
finding fault with the person. Love this person, really great,

403
00:24:35.559 --> 00:24:40.519
ticks all the boxes, really great relationship. But then if

404
00:24:40.519 --> 00:24:42.440
it starts to get too good, it starts to get

405
00:24:42.480 --> 00:24:46.119
too close, then their attachment system kind of shuts down,

406
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:48.039
and so that can look like they start to find

407
00:24:48.079 --> 00:24:52.119
fault not really like very very picky, and might end

408
00:24:52.119 --> 00:24:55.200
the relationship or might just say I need more space.

409
00:24:56.039 --> 00:24:59.359
And then often as soon as they have their space

410
00:24:59.519 --> 00:25:05.079
or the relationship does end, then they develop all of

411
00:25:05.119 --> 00:25:09.240
those warm, fuzzy feelings again because they're no longer threatened.

412
00:25:09.279 --> 00:25:12.799
As soon as the distance is there, they're no longer threatened,

413
00:25:13.720 --> 00:25:17.720
so then they're sort of safe to feel all of

414
00:25:17.759 --> 00:25:22.119
those feelings again. And so it might be when you're away.

415
00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:25.160
If your partner is away on a holiday, then you're oh,

416
00:25:25.200 --> 00:25:27.039
I miss them so much, love them so much as

417
00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:30.839
soon as they're back, not so sure about this. Too

418
00:25:30.920 --> 00:25:36.680
much closeness activates the threat response. Remember I said anxiously

419
00:25:36.680 --> 00:25:41.160
attached too much distance, not enough closeness activates the threat

420
00:25:41.160 --> 00:25:44.519
response for the avoidant. It's too much closeness that activates

421
00:25:44.559 --> 00:25:47.400
the threat response for the disorganized. Well, then there's a

422
00:25:47.400 --> 00:25:49.200
whole lot of other stuff going on, and that's probably

423
00:25:49.240 --> 00:25:51.440
a lot more complex, and there's probably things that need

424
00:25:51.480 --> 00:25:53.920
to be worked through in therapy, but it's just really

425
00:25:54.319 --> 00:25:57.000
helpful to know, and most people would know that there

426
00:25:57.039 --> 00:26:01.279
is childhood stuff they're going on that some deeper work

427
00:26:01.599 --> 00:26:02.759
to be worked through.

428
00:26:02.880 --> 00:26:03.880
At the end of the day.

429
00:26:04.400 --> 00:26:10.519
The key is recognizing your own attachment pattern and recognizing

430
00:26:10.599 --> 00:26:14.279
how this is playing out in your relationships. If you

431
00:26:14.319 --> 00:26:18.279
are blaming your partner all the time for something, if

432
00:26:18.279 --> 00:26:23.119
you are accusing your partner of, for example, making you

433
00:26:23.200 --> 00:26:27.079
feel insecure flirting with all those other people, and they're

434
00:26:27.079 --> 00:26:29.079
telling you that's not the case, that that's all in

435
00:26:29.119 --> 00:26:33.799
your head, it really requires you to actually accept that

436
00:26:33.920 --> 00:26:36.799
maybe this is all in your head. It's about managing

437
00:26:36.920 --> 00:26:40.799
regulating your own nervous system, regulating your own emotional response,

438
00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:45.920
looking at your typical patterns of behavior, and managing that

439
00:26:46.279 --> 00:26:47.680
urge to do.

440
00:26:47.599 --> 00:26:48.599
The thing that you always do.

441
00:26:49.039 --> 00:26:52.000
If your partner's away or out with the boys, or

442
00:26:52.200 --> 00:26:54.799
away for work or something, and you are feeling this

443
00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.039
compulsive need to text them all the time or to

444
00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:01.799
check in all the time time you need to tell

445
00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:03.440
you all the time how much they love you and

446
00:27:03.440 --> 00:27:06.400
how much they miss you, and that's driving them nuts

447
00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:08.359
a little bit, then you.

448
00:27:08.359 --> 00:27:09.680
Need to manage that urge.

449
00:27:09.720 --> 00:27:11.440
You need to learn not to have to look to

450
00:27:11.480 --> 00:27:14.359
that person for that reassurance and to be able to

451
00:27:14.400 --> 00:27:17.960
manage that on your own. If you're the avoidant attached

452
00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:20.920
to person, then you need to start learning to get

453
00:27:20.960 --> 00:27:24.200
more comfortable with closeness, letting people in, learning how to

454
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:28.440
be more emotionally vulnerable, recognizing that actually some people are

455
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:32.039
willing to be there for you even if your impressions,

456
00:27:32.039 --> 00:27:35.039
whether your feelings, don't matter. That it's no point reaching

457
00:27:35.079 --> 00:27:37.440
out and telling anybody what you want because nobody's going

458
00:27:37.480 --> 00:27:39.039
to be there for you, and you may not even

459
00:27:39.119 --> 00:27:42.359
have any conscious memory of forming these ideas.

460
00:27:42.480 --> 00:27:42.599
As.

461
00:27:42.640 --> 00:27:46.359
I said that often happened pre verbally. But then your

462
00:27:46.440 --> 00:27:50.160
job is to learn to get comfortable with a bit

463
00:27:50.200 --> 00:27:54.680
of closeness, like learn to let people in baby steps

464
00:27:54.799 --> 00:27:59.400
ask for help, ask for you know, somebody to spend

465
00:27:59.440 --> 00:28:01.480
more time with you, instead of having that urge to say,

466
00:28:01.599 --> 00:28:04.599
you know, no, I don't need that, or resist that

467
00:28:04.839 --> 00:28:11.720
urge to find fault with people who theoretically ideal for you.

468
00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:16.519
So that's in a nutshell, that's essentially it takes a

469
00:28:16.519 --> 00:28:19.240
lot of mindfulness, It takes a lot of self reflection,

470
00:28:19.480 --> 00:28:23.000
a lot of personal insight, and it takes the patience

471
00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:28.880
to be able to pause and recognize that this you

472
00:28:29.000 --> 00:28:31.680
can change these patterns over time. It is possible to

473
00:28:31.759 --> 00:28:34.559
change these patterns over time, and you are not destined

474
00:28:34.559 --> 00:28:37.720
to play out these relationships over and over and over again,

475
00:28:37.799 --> 00:28:39.519
even if it seems like that is what you have

476
00:28:39.640 --> 00:28:41.960
always done. As soon as you have that insight and

477
00:28:42.000 --> 00:28:43.880
the understanding, you know where it comes from, and you

478
00:28:43.920 --> 00:28:46.640
know why you're doing what you're doing, then it's just

479
00:28:46.720 --> 00:28:50.759
a case of managing that, recognizing that, taking a pause,

480
00:28:50.799 --> 00:28:56.799
taking a breath, and trying to do something different. I'm

481
00:28:56.839 --> 00:28:59.680
going to wrap that up there. I hope that has

482
00:28:59.720 --> 00:29:03.720
been reasonably helpful. If you've got any further questions, as always,

483
00:29:03.920 --> 00:29:06.839
please do send them through. I'm happy to come back

484
00:29:06.880 --> 00:29:09.200
and talk about this some more. I would say, also,

485
00:29:09.640 --> 00:29:12.079
I have a quiz on my website off the back

486
00:29:12.119 --> 00:29:14.960
of this podcast which is essentially an attachment quiz.

487
00:29:15.319 --> 00:29:17.640
It's not clinical, it's not diagnostic.

488
00:29:17.759 --> 00:29:20.079
It's just something that I put together myself, but it's

489
00:29:20.279 --> 00:29:23.200
very popular. People really got some great insights from it.

490
00:29:23.200 --> 00:29:25.799
It's the relationship What's your relationship Style quiz. If you've

491
00:29:25.799 --> 00:29:27.319
got a cast done dot com, you'll be able to

492
00:29:27.319 --> 00:29:29.559
see it on my website and you can take a

493
00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:31.559
little mini quiz and get some sense of what your

494
00:29:31.559 --> 00:29:34.160
own attachment style is. And there are a few tips

495
00:29:34.200 --> 00:29:36.519
there that I will send you after you have done that,

496
00:29:36.920 --> 00:29:39.119
So I hope that that's useful as well. I've also

497
00:29:39.160 --> 00:29:42.559
written a whole book about how to have healthy relationships.

498
00:29:42.640 --> 00:29:44.640
My third book, crap At a Happy Love who You're With.

499
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:46.920
Contrary to what some people think, it is not just

500
00:29:46.960 --> 00:29:50.519
about intimate relationships. It is about all relationships. There's a

501
00:29:50.519 --> 00:29:52.880
whole chapter on attachment. There is a whole chapter on

502
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:55.400
schema therapy, which I'm going to talk about in an

503
00:29:55.480 --> 00:29:58.400
episode very soon. And there's also a whole lot of

504
00:29:58.400 --> 00:30:01.519
stuff about how learning how to set boundaries and communicate

505
00:30:01.720 --> 00:30:05.400
and really how to know yourself well enough to be

506
00:30:05.440 --> 00:30:09.599
able to bring your best self to your relationships, whether

507
00:30:09.640 --> 00:30:14.279
they be family, friends, work, colleagues, intimate partners. So that

508
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:17.039
is also available in all bookstores.

509
00:30:17.240 --> 00:30:18.559
Crappy to Happy love who you're with.

510
00:30:18.640 --> 00:30:20.640
But first off, go have a look at that quiz

511
00:30:20.680 --> 00:30:23.960
on my website cast done dot com and I will51200:30:24.000 --> 00:30:30.559



catch you on the next episode of Crappy to Happy.51300:30:31.160 --> 00:30:31.599



Listener