Understanding schemas and schema therapy

WEBVTT

1
00:00:02.680 --> 00:00:10.919
A listener production. Welcome to another solo episode of Crappy

2
00:00:11.000 --> 00:00:14.000
to Happy this week. I have had a listener send

3
00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:16.679
me a voice message, but I really wanted to respond

4
00:00:16.719 --> 00:00:19.519
to Remember, you too can send me a voice message.

5
00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:21.160
If there's anything you want me to talk about on

6
00:00:21.199 --> 00:00:24.160
these solo episodes, just send me a voice message on

7
00:00:24.199 --> 00:00:28.359
my Instagram page cast Done Underscore XO. If you're not

8
00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:30.320
on Instagram, you can just record a voice memo on

9
00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:33.000
your phone and you can email it to Hello atkastdone

10
00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:36.759
dot com. Here's that listener question right now, Hi.

11
00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:40.960
Cas, I'm really interested in learning more about schemers. I've

12
00:00:40.960 --> 00:00:43.880
heard a lot about them lately, but I don't really

13
00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:47.640
understand what they are or how they can help us.

14
00:00:48.119 --> 00:00:52.840
Also interested in understanding how psychologists use them to help

15
00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:56.920
their patients. If you could do an episode on schemers,

16
00:00:57.079 --> 00:00:57.880
that would be great.

17
00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:04.599
Thanks. Schemers this is one of my favorite favorite topics,

18
00:01:04.879 --> 00:01:07.079
much like attachment theories, so if you didn't listen to

19
00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:10.159
my solo episode about attachment, then you might want to

20
00:01:10.400 --> 00:01:13.319
revisit that one as well. Schemers, I think are very

21
00:01:13.560 --> 00:01:18.760
similar to attachment theory, but probably go a little deeper

22
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:22.519
than attachment theory. When I say similar, I mean in

23
00:01:22.560 --> 00:01:25.200
the sense that Schemer theory when it was developed, was

24
00:01:25.239 --> 00:01:29.280
all about how our early experiences lead us to creating

25
00:01:29.319 --> 00:01:33.480
particular mental frameworks which can then persist throughout our life,

26
00:01:33.519 --> 00:01:37.719
and they can impact so much of how we experience

27
00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:43.439
life and relationships, our thoughts, feelings, our emotions, and I

28
00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:47.000
think it is really really helpful to have an understanding

29
00:01:47.079 --> 00:01:49.879
of schemers. And while we all don't need to go

30
00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:52.959
off and have schema therapy and all of that, like,

31
00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:55.000
I think just in terms of how they contribute to

32
00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:58.359
our understanding of ourselves, which can then help us to

33
00:01:58.439 --> 00:02:02.239
have more self acceptance and self compassion, then it can

34
00:02:02.280 --> 00:02:06.079
be really useful to give some consideration to schemers and

35
00:02:06.120 --> 00:02:09.759
the role that they play, particularly in relationships as well.

36
00:02:09.879 --> 00:02:12.759
So it was Jeffrey Young was a psychologist who developed

37
00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:17.199
Schemer theory back in the nineteen eighties. I think nineteen

38
00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:20.080
ninety might have been when something was first published about

39
00:02:20.080 --> 00:02:23.680
Schemer theory, and Jeffrey Young was treating people with kind

40
00:02:23.680 --> 00:02:30.719
of personality disorders significant ingrained patterns of behavior, unhelpful obviously

41
00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:35.719
maladaptive patterns of behavior, and he found that CBT Surprise

42
00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:39.919
Surprise wasn't necessarily cutting it when it came to treating

43
00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:42.439
those issues, So he was looking for something deeper, something

44
00:02:42.479 --> 00:02:44.560
that really got to the core of what was going

45
00:02:44.599 --> 00:02:48.039
on for these people. So essentially what the theory is,

46
00:02:48.560 --> 00:02:50.240
and I will just say up front two, I devoted

47
00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:52.960
a whole chapter to this in my most recent book,

48
00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:55.240
Crappy to Happy Love who You're With, which is not

49
00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:58.039
a book about how to have a happier intimate relationship

50
00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:00.240
or improve your marriage. It is actually about how you

51
00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:04.319
can have healthy relationships with everybody in your life, family, friends, colleagues,

52
00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:07.400
how you can resolve conflict better, set healthy boundaries, how

53
00:03:07.400 --> 00:03:10.080
you can end relationships well. Recommend that you grab a

54
00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:12.280
copy if you don't already have that. But a big

55
00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:14.360
part of what I have written about in that book

56
00:03:14.439 --> 00:03:16.280
is about how you can have a better understanding of

57
00:03:16.319 --> 00:03:19.280
yourself so that you know what you are bringing to

58
00:03:19.400 --> 00:03:23.840
relationships and taking responsibility for your own patterns rather than

59
00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:26.039
looking for other people to be making you happy or

60
00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:28.560
to meet your needs, or blaming other people for issues

61
00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:32.599
and problems in relationships. Anyway, that aside, I did devote

62
00:03:32.680 --> 00:03:37.560
a chapter to schema theory and understanding schemers very very briefly,

63
00:03:37.560 --> 00:03:40.159
because it's only a little book. So what Jeffrey Young

64
00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:42.560
came up with was this idea that as children, we

65
00:03:42.599 --> 00:03:45.039
all have certain needs, and when those needs are not

66
00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:48.319
met obviously, our needs are typically met by our caregivers,

67
00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:51.759
by our parents, the adults responsible for us. When those

68
00:03:51.800 --> 00:03:55.800
needs aren't met effectively, then we develop these schemers to

69
00:03:56.719 --> 00:04:00.599
cope as a way of coping with that situation. A

70
00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:04.680
schema is essentially like a mental framework. It's more than

71
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:06.560
just a core belief. If you've ever heard the term

72
00:04:06.680 --> 00:04:09.400
core beliefs, you know, the ideas that we sort of

73
00:04:09.400 --> 00:04:12.439
develop as little children based on our experiences and the

74
00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:16.000
ideas that we hold to be true with regard to ourselves,

75
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:19.480
whether we are a smart person, whether we are lovable,

76
00:04:19.519 --> 00:04:23.120
whether we're funny about other people, about the world, whether

77
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:25.800
people are trustworthy, whether people are kind or good, whether

78
00:04:25.800 --> 00:04:28.040
the world is a safe place or a dangerous place.

79
00:04:28.360 --> 00:04:31.600
That's what core beliefs are. A schema is more than that.

80
00:04:31.639 --> 00:04:34.600
It's like this whole kind of mosaic. I guess it's

81
00:04:34.600 --> 00:04:40.319
this whole constructed experience which can include those thoughts definitely,

82
00:04:40.680 --> 00:04:46.639
but also emotions, images, body sensations. So it's a whole

83
00:04:46.879 --> 00:04:50.920
experience that we can kind of construct in relation to

84
00:04:51.240 --> 00:04:53.959
or in response to something that's going on in our

85
00:04:54.000 --> 00:04:56.439
life or a particular need not being met or get

86
00:04:56.439 --> 00:04:59.600
more into this later. So when those needs aren't met,

87
00:04:59.639 --> 00:05:03.120
we per schema to cope. It's a way of seeing

88
00:05:03.120 --> 00:05:05.560
the world, a way of experiencing the world. And then

89
00:05:05.639 --> 00:05:10.319
that schema, that mental framework. Again, we just typically go

90
00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:13.680
through life without ever really questioning it, and it becomes

91
00:05:13.720 --> 00:05:16.879
a pattern. It becomes a pattern in our life, a

92
00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:21.720
way that we respond to particular situations, an attitude or

93
00:05:21.720 --> 00:05:25.680
a mindset or a behavior pattern that we bring to

94
00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:30.319
situations based on those early experiences. And I'll go into

95
00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:34.399
detail about that now. So let me start with what

96
00:05:34.519 --> 00:05:39.560
those needs are that Jeffrey Young suggested all children have

97
00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:43.319
and which when not meant, could potentially result in the

98
00:05:43.319 --> 00:05:46.839
development of a maladaptive schema. Remember, anything can be helpful

99
00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:51.439
or unhelpful. Anything can be adaptive or maladaptive. Maladaptive just

100
00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:55.120
means unhelpful, like ultimately it doesn't really serve us. And

101
00:05:55.240 --> 00:05:58.360
so therefore down the track, we might want to look

102
00:05:58.360 --> 00:05:59.800
at that and question it and see if we want

103
00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:02.279
to do something about that, about changing that. So I'm

104
00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:04.439
going to go to my trusty yellow book, my book

105
00:06:04.480 --> 00:06:07.120
three Crappy to Happy, Love who You're with, because that

106
00:06:07.240 --> 00:06:09.759
is where I have written down what those needs are,

107
00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:12.680
what those basic emotional needs are that we all have.

108
00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:21.480
Every child needs security, stability, affection, autonomy, healthy limits. So

109
00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:27.279
children need boundaries, self expression, and play like spontaneous play,

110
00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:30.879
and we need all of those in order to grow

111
00:06:30.920 --> 00:06:37.439
up as healthy, emotionally resilient adults. So the schema or

112
00:06:37.480 --> 00:06:41.439
the operating model basically that we develop if those needs

113
00:06:41.480 --> 00:06:45.439
aren't met, can kind of just lay dormant and be

114
00:06:45.639 --> 00:06:50.720
activated later on in life in a particular situation. For example,

115
00:06:50.800 --> 00:06:52.560
let me just give you a really basic example before

116
00:06:52.560 --> 00:06:54.560
I really go into detail with what the schemas are.

117
00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:58.040
So let's say you've got an abandonment schema. Let's say

118
00:06:58.079 --> 00:07:02.000
you lost a parent, for example, through death or divorce

119
00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:07.759
or just absence for some reason, and you developed an

120
00:07:07.800 --> 00:07:13.839
abandonment schema, this feeling of being left alone, somebody that

121
00:07:13.839 --> 00:07:17.959
you love leaving you and not coming back, having that

122
00:07:18.240 --> 00:07:21.240
void that I mean, many people will relate to this,

123
00:07:21.800 --> 00:07:25.079
that void, that sense of somehow maybe as a little

124
00:07:25.160 --> 00:07:30.959
child feeling unloved, unworthy, or rejected, just lost without this

125
00:07:31.079 --> 00:07:35.639
important person in your life. If you have an abandonment schema,

126
00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:40.399
then later as an adult, it might be that every

127
00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:43.079
time your partner goes away for work, or even when

128
00:07:43.079 --> 00:07:45.920
they walk out the door to go to work for

129
00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:49.920
the day, you might notice that you're having this schema activated,

130
00:07:49.959 --> 00:07:53.759
like it gets triggered, and you might feel this constriction

131
00:07:53.959 --> 00:07:57.240
or feeling of panic or fear. Or it might be

132
00:07:57.240 --> 00:07:59.839
that when they're out with their friends that you feel

133
00:07:59.839 --> 00:08:02.120
like you worry that they're going to never come back.

134
00:08:03.399 --> 00:08:05.959
Something's going to happen to them. And it's not just

135
00:08:05.959 --> 00:08:10.040
a belief, it's a whole experience of physical sensations, it's

136
00:08:10.040 --> 00:08:15.160
emotional experience that it could be patterns of behavior like calling, texting,

137
00:08:15.480 --> 00:08:18.560
and again, if you listen to the attachment episode, you

138
00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:22.120
might recognize this as an insecure attachment, like an anxious attachment.

139
00:08:23.480 --> 00:08:26.040
It might also play out as an avoidant attachment like

140
00:08:26.120 --> 00:08:29.959
shutting down and not getting too close to people because

141
00:08:30.040 --> 00:08:34.039
you don't want that schema activated. You don't want to

142
00:08:34.080 --> 00:08:37.320
be put through that painful experience again. So we'll talk

143
00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:39.720
about that in a minute as well. How you actually

144
00:08:39.759 --> 00:08:44.000
cope with these schemas. So that's a really common one.

145
00:08:44.039 --> 00:08:46.320
It's a really one that a lot of people can

146
00:08:46.399 --> 00:08:48.879
relate to. That's kind of how a schemer gets developed

147
00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:51.639
and then how it gets activated later in life. So

148
00:08:51.679 --> 00:08:54.759
what are the eighteen schemers that Jeffrey Young came up with?

149
00:08:55.519 --> 00:08:58.639
And before I run through them, here's the really important

150
00:08:58.639 --> 00:09:01.960
thing to know. As you know, your brain, once it

151
00:09:02.440 --> 00:09:05.440
is set on a particular idea or a belief or

152
00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:12.360
a cognitive framework, it will work to maintain it. Your

153
00:09:12.360 --> 00:09:14.639
brain wants you to be safe. That's its only job.

154
00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:17.200
And what is safe for your brain is what is familiar,

155
00:09:17.639 --> 00:09:20.399
what it knows, a pattern of behavior or a pattern

156
00:09:20.440 --> 00:09:23.399
of being in the world that it recognizes. Oh, I

157
00:09:23.440 --> 00:09:25.480
know this situation, I know my place in this situation.

158
00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:27.639
I know how I'm supposed to react in this situation.

159
00:09:27.960 --> 00:09:30.519
So this is what we'll continue to do so often

160
00:09:31.320 --> 00:09:35.600
in relationships, particularly if you find yourself constantly being drawn

161
00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:37.919
to the same kind of person or constantly playing the

162
00:09:37.960 --> 00:09:41.879
same role constantly for example, being a people pleaser, or

163
00:09:41.919 --> 00:09:44.559
subjugating your own needs, or getting involved with people who

164
00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:49.159
are emotionally unavailable, or putting yourself in a situation where

165
00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:52.440
you feel inferior to other people or superior to other people,

166
00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:56.679
then what's happening often is that you are playing out

167
00:09:56.879 --> 00:09:59.679
this pattern over and over because it is what you

168
00:09:59.799 --> 00:10:04.120
know and what you are familiar with. And even the

169
00:10:04.159 --> 00:10:10.919
most uncomfortable, painful situations are comfortable if they're familiar. Even

170
00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:13.639
if we don't like feeling lonely or sad or disappointed

171
00:10:13.720 --> 00:10:18.120
or rejected, if it's familiar, we will gravitate towards it

172
00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:20.919
and recreate it because it is what we know best,

173
00:10:21.200 --> 00:10:22.960
like I know my place, I know how this goes.

174
00:10:24.440 --> 00:10:27.080
That is the tricky thing about schemers, and that's why

175
00:10:27.080 --> 00:10:29.399
often people have a lot of trouble changing them and

176
00:10:29.480 --> 00:10:32.200
finding themselves in these same patterns over and over and

177
00:10:32.240 --> 00:10:34.519
over again, because our brain is working to just keep

178
00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:38.120
taking us back into that same situation because it's familiar. So,

179
00:10:38.159 --> 00:10:41.519
having said that, let's talk about what the eighteen schemers are,

180
00:10:41.759 --> 00:10:44.440
the eighteen maladaptive schemers that Jeffrey Young came up with.

181
00:10:44.799 --> 00:10:47.159
Number one abandonment, Well, there you go. I already talked

182
00:10:47.159 --> 00:10:51.720
about that one. So abandonment or instability is basically the

183
00:10:51.799 --> 00:10:56.960
perceived instability or unreliability of other people, So other people

184
00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:59.360
aren't going to be available to me for support or connection.

185
00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:02.840
It involves a sense that significant others will not be

186
00:11:03.200 --> 00:11:09.320
available to continue providing support, connection protection, they'll be emotionally

187
00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:13.600
unstable or unpredictable. The second one is the mistrust and

188
00:11:13.720 --> 00:11:18.080
abuse Schemer goes without saying probably comes from early experiences

189
00:11:18.360 --> 00:11:21.919
of being abused, neglected, other people not being able to

190
00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:25.039
be trusted to care for you. You'll see some similarities

191
00:11:25.039 --> 00:11:27.440
in some overlaps with some of these too, by the way,

192
00:11:27.799 --> 00:11:34.000
So this is the expectation that other people will hurt, abuse, humiliate, cheat, lime, manipulate,

193
00:11:34.200 --> 00:11:38.080
take advantage in some way. It's the perception that the

194
00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:44.919
harm is intentional or the result of unjustified or extreme negligence.

195
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:49.799
It might include the sense that you are always the

196
00:11:49.799 --> 00:11:52.399
one being cheated, You're always getting the rough end of

197
00:11:52.440 --> 00:11:54.879
the deal, that other people are just out to get you.

198
00:11:55.279 --> 00:11:57.000
So if you've got that sort of thing playing, that

199
00:11:57.039 --> 00:12:02.240
could be a mistrust abuse schemer. The third one he

200
00:12:02.279 --> 00:12:06.879
identified was emotional deprivation, and this is the expectation that

201
00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:09.840
ones desire for a normal degree of emotional support will

202
00:12:09.840 --> 00:12:14.600
not be adequately mad. It could be the deprivation of nurturance, empathy,

203
00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:19.080
or protection. Again often probably similar to like an avoidant attachment,

204
00:12:19.159 --> 00:12:21.480
if your emotional needs aren't met and so therefore you

205
00:12:21.559 --> 00:12:24.279
kind of learn to shut down your emotional needs or

206
00:12:24.279 --> 00:12:25.960
you don't expect that other people are going to be

207
00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:30.120
there and be available for you. Defectiveness or shame is

208
00:12:30.159 --> 00:12:34.159
the fourth one. This is a feeling that as it

209
00:12:34.200 --> 00:12:41.080
says that you are defective, bad, unwanted, inferior, invalid, or

210
00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:45.399
that you would be unlovable to other people if they

211
00:12:45.480 --> 00:12:50.600
really knew you. That's obviously the definition of shame. So

212
00:12:50.840 --> 00:12:54.039
it can play out as kind of being hyper sensitive

213
00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:57.799
to criticism or rejection, being very self conscious, comparing yourself

214
00:12:57.840 --> 00:13:01.480
to other people, being insecure around and other people being

215
00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:04.279
feeling ashamed, just feeling ashamed of any sort of weakness

216
00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:08.120
or vulnerability. The fifth one is the social isolation or

217
00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:11.399
alienation schema, and this is the feeling that you are

218
00:13:11.559 --> 00:13:13.639
kind of separate from other people, that you're always on

219
00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:16.799
the outer. It can develop in childhood, maybe if you

220
00:13:16.840 --> 00:13:21.120
come from a different religious or cultural background, if you

221
00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:25.120
always felt like you're on the outer, maybe from being

222
00:13:25.159 --> 00:13:28.639
bullied and stuff as well. But Essentially, it's this sense

223
00:13:28.679 --> 00:13:30.399
that you're always on the outer, that you don't really

224
00:13:30.440 --> 00:13:33.320
fit in to a crowd, You're not really part of

225
00:13:33.320 --> 00:13:36.639
the group, not really part of the community. The sixth

226
00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:42.240
one is dependence or incompetence, and it is the belief

227
00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:45.000
that you would be unable to handle everyday responsibilities in

228
00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:47.759
a competent manner. So you know, obviously this would happen

229
00:13:47.840 --> 00:13:50.600
if you were not given the opportunity to develop to

230
00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:54.960
develop independence as a child, if you had overly intrusive parents.

231
00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:59.200
Perhaps it could play out as a dependence incompetence schema.

232
00:13:59.639 --> 00:14:02.600
I don't make good judgments, I can't take con difficult tasks,

233
00:14:02.759 --> 00:14:05.559
but don't make good decisions. I can't take care of myself.

234
00:14:05.639 --> 00:14:10.720
It presents as helplessness. Basically. The seventh is vulnerability to

235
00:14:10.919 --> 00:14:15.200
harm or illness. So this can happen if you have

236
00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:18.080
had health issues as a child, or if you've witnessed

237
00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:20.720
other people be struck down by health issues. It's an

238
00:14:20.759 --> 00:14:24.399
exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time

239
00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:26.600
and that you'll be unable to prevent it. It can

240
00:14:26.600 --> 00:14:29.639
be a fear of medical catastrophe like having a heart attack,

241
00:14:29.799 --> 00:14:36.320
emotional catastrophe, natural disasters, you know, external events, unavoidable events

242
00:14:36.399 --> 00:14:40.960
that will result in disaster. The eighth is enmeshment, or

243
00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:44.240
an undeveloped sense of self. This comes from being too

244
00:14:44.600 --> 00:14:48.960
enmeshed in the life of somebody else, for example a parent.

245
00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:51.559
So if a parent has been overly involved in your

246
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:55.200
life and there's this real like perhaps they've relied too

247
00:14:55.320 --> 00:14:58.240
much on you as a child for their emotional needs

248
00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:01.240
to be met, and the child is given the opportunity

249
00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:04.240
to individuate, to separate and develop their own sense of self,

250
00:15:04.519 --> 00:15:06.919
then that can result in this schema of enmeshment, and

251
00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:10.480
that can play out in other adult relationships where almost

252
00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:14.360
like playing out is codependent relationships or heavily and mess

253
00:15:14.440 --> 00:15:17.440
relationships withere there's no sense of self. It's a belief

254
00:15:17.480 --> 00:15:20.919
that at least one or the other couldn't survive or

255
00:15:20.919 --> 00:15:25.759
be happy without the other, without the partner. Nine is failure,

256
00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:29.600
so a failure to achieve schema, which is as it says,

257
00:15:29.639 --> 00:15:33.120
it's this core belief and this schema that inevitably you'll

258
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:36.480
fail or you'll be inadequate relative to other people. It

259
00:15:36.519 --> 00:15:40.039
can be a belief that you're stupid, and apt, untalented, ignorant.

260
00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:44.759
It can result from childhood experiences where you are told

261
00:15:45.320 --> 00:15:47.559
that you're a failure, or you're stupid, or you're inept,

262
00:15:47.639 --> 00:15:52.200
or that you're constantly compared to somebody else and unfavorably.

263
00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:55.399
So these are the sorts of experiences that might result

264
00:15:55.480 --> 00:15:57.919
in the development of this kind of schema. Number ten

265
00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:02.480
is entitlement and grandiosity. This is the schema that says

266
00:16:02.519 --> 00:16:04.879
you're superior to other people, that you've got special rights,

267
00:16:04.919 --> 00:16:09.159
special privileges. Often it will result from parents who raise

268
00:16:09.200 --> 00:16:11.879
a child to believe that they are special and entitled.

269
00:16:12.200 --> 00:16:17.519
It often will look like narcissism in later life. This

270
00:16:17.679 --> 00:16:20.799
sense of superiority, this sense that the rules don't apply

271
00:16:20.919 --> 00:16:26.759
to you, can result in excessive competitiveness, domination of others,

272
00:16:27.120 --> 00:16:31.360
exerting power over others, rail roading your opinions onto other people,

273
00:16:31.799 --> 00:16:34.840
forcing other people into your point of view, controlling other

274
00:16:34.840 --> 00:16:41.080
people's behavior. Number eleven insufficient self control or self discipline.

275
00:16:41.279 --> 00:16:45.320
This is the pervasive difficulty or refusal to exercise sufficient

276
00:16:45.440 --> 00:16:49.879
self control and frustration tolerance to achieve goals. It can

277
00:16:49.960 --> 00:16:56.679
present as basically an inability to tolerate discomfort, so therefore

278
00:16:57.759 --> 00:17:02.039
avoiding anything that looks like responsibility, boity, stress, over exertion,

279
00:17:02.279 --> 00:17:06.160
confrontation at the expanse of living a full life. As

280
00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:09.079
we know, for avoiding all the difficult, painful things, then

281
00:17:09.599 --> 00:17:14.279
we often are not living fully. So that is number eleven.

282
00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:20.079
Number twelve. Subjugation. This is the excessive surrendering of control

283
00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:25.480
to others because one feels coerced, usually to avoid anger, retaliation,

284
00:17:25.720 --> 00:17:29.599
or abandonment. So it's subjugating your own needs, subjugating your

285
00:17:29.599 --> 00:17:36.200
own emotions. It is excessive compliance. A hypersensitivity to feeling

286
00:17:36.279 --> 00:17:42.680
trapped often leads to a buildup of anger. Can look

287
00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:47.559
like passive aggressive behavior, uncontrolled outbursts of temper. Essentially, what

288
00:17:47.599 --> 00:17:50.319
it is is that I'm subjugating all of my own

289
00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:52.480
needs because that's what I believe I need to do

290
00:17:52.599 --> 00:17:54.920
to keep other people happy, because that's what I've learned

291
00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:59.440
as a child. But then this resentment bubbles under the surface.

292
00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:02.680
It might be passive aggressive because I don't feel comfortable

293
00:18:02.680 --> 00:18:06.119
to have a direct confrontation. But I'll get passive aggressive.

294
00:18:06.200 --> 00:18:08.799
Sometimes it will be this explosion, this angry outburst that

295
00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:11.319
seems to come out of nowhere to other people because

296
00:18:11.519 --> 00:18:14.880
they're not seeing this resentment that's bubbling under the surface.

297
00:18:14.920 --> 00:18:17.319
They're just seeing this compliance and this going along. This

298
00:18:17.480 --> 00:18:31.559
people pleasing. Closely tied to subjugation is self sacrifice. That's

299
00:18:31.640 --> 00:18:35.240
number thirteen. That is an excessive focus on voluntarily meeting

300
00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:38.599
the needs of others at the expense of one's own gratification. Again,

301
00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:43.119
it's to prevent causing pain to others, to avoid feeling

302
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:47.960
guilty because you'd feel selfish, or it's to maintain the

303
00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:52.319
connection with other people. It's often the result of an

304
00:18:52.359 --> 00:18:57.400
acute sensitivity to other people's pain, and it sometimes leads

305
00:18:57.440 --> 00:19:00.119
to a sense that one's own needs are not being

306
00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:05.200
adequately met and therefore resentment of those who are taken

307
00:19:05.240 --> 00:19:08.160
care of. And it does say here in Jeffrey Young's

308
00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:11.960
own notes that it can overlap with the concept of codependency.

309
00:19:12.039 --> 00:19:16.359
This like needing to keep other people happy in order

310
00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:21.319
to feel happy. Number fourteen is approval seeking or recognition seeking,

311
00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:25.640
and this is an excessive emphasis on gaining approval recognition attention,

312
00:19:26.079 --> 00:19:30.039
on fitting in at the expense of developing a secure

313
00:19:30.079 --> 00:19:33.720
and true sense of yourself, So molding yourself to gain

314
00:19:33.799 --> 00:19:37.799
other people's approval, not expressing who you truly are. It's

315
00:19:38.079 --> 00:19:42.799
your sense of esteem being dependent primarily on the reactions

316
00:19:42.799 --> 00:19:47.480
of others rather than on your own natural inclinations. It

317
00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:53.400
can include an over emphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, achievement,

318
00:19:54.119 --> 00:19:57.839
all as a means of gaining approval or validation or

319
00:19:57.880 --> 00:20:01.960
admiration at the cost of living authentically and living a

320
00:20:02.000 --> 00:20:07.119
life that is personally meaningful and satisfying. Number fifteen is

321
00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:12.119
a negativity or pessimism schema. This is this pervasive, lifelong

322
00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:17.359
focus on the negative aspects of life, on pain and death, loss, disappointment, guilt, resentment,

323
00:20:18.119 --> 00:20:21.039
just problems, problems, problems. We all know somebody who has

324
00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:25.720
there very negative, very pessimistic take on life, and this

325
00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:28.359
can be an ingrained pattern that's been there for a

326
00:20:28.440 --> 00:20:33.640
really long time. It can involve an exaggerated expectation that

327
00:20:33.720 --> 00:20:37.599
things will eventually go wrong, that ultimately things are going

328
00:20:37.680 --> 00:20:40.799
to fall apart, that I can't trust that things are

329
00:20:40.839 --> 00:20:42.839
going to turn out well, and so therefore it feels

330
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:44.839
safer and more comfortable to focus on the fact that

331
00:20:44.880 --> 00:20:48.599
it's probably all going to turn to shit. Potential negative

332
00:20:48.599 --> 00:20:54.799
outcomes are exaggerated. There's a strong negativity bias frequently experienced

333
00:20:54.880 --> 00:21:02.400
chronic worry, complaining, indecision, vigilance. Number sixteen is emotional inhibition,

334
00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:07.799
which is the excessive inhibition of any spontaneous action or

335
00:21:07.799 --> 00:21:11.960
feeling or communication. It's like a repressing your emotions, usually

336
00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:17.119
to avoid disapproval of others or feeling shame or losing

337
00:21:17.160 --> 00:21:21.039
control of your impulses. So it can be sexual inhibition.

338
00:21:21.119 --> 00:21:28.279
It can be inhibition of anger or frustration, or even joy.

339
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:36.759
It's really a difficulty expressing anything, difficulty expressing vulnerability, communicating freely,

340
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:41.480
saying what you really think, showing your emotions. Number seventeen

341
00:21:41.559 --> 00:21:43.599
is an interesting one. I see this a bit unrelenting

342
00:21:43.680 --> 00:21:48.920
standards or hyper criticalness. That would be So it's the

343
00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:52.359
underlying belief that you must strive to meet very high

344
00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:56.599
internalized standards of behavior. So it's this internal idea of

345
00:21:57.440 --> 00:22:05.519
high levels of perfectionism, usually to avoid criticism, feelings of pressure,

346
00:22:05.640 --> 00:22:09.559
difficulty slowing down. Being very critical towards yourself and other

347
00:22:09.599 --> 00:22:14.880
people can involve impairment in pleasure or relaxation. Unable to relax,

348
00:22:15.160 --> 00:22:17.720
not able to feel a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction

349
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:22.440
when you do achieve. It is inordinate attention to detail,

350
00:22:22.480 --> 00:22:26.599
it's maladaptive perfectionism. Obviously, perfectionism doesn't always have to be

351
00:22:26.680 --> 00:22:31.359
a bad thing. Lots of rigid rules, lots of shoulds,

352
00:22:31.519 --> 00:22:34.839
lots of expectations about how other people should behave and

353
00:22:34.880 --> 00:22:37.480
how you should behave, like what's the right thing to do?

354
00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:44.240
Unrealistically high moral or ethical or religious standards for example,

355
00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:47.720
like really living life by the rule book and having

356
00:22:47.960 --> 00:22:55.039
very excessive, very exacting standards. And number eighteen. The last

357
00:22:55.119 --> 00:22:57.839
one is punitiveness, and that is the belief that people

358
00:22:57.839 --> 00:23:01.880
should be harshly punished for making mistakes. Not much mercy here.

359
00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:07.240
All justice involves a tendency to be angry, intolerant, punitive,

360
00:23:07.319 --> 00:23:12.720
impatient with other people and yourself who don't meet expectations

361
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:16.920
or standards. It often involves a lot of difficulty for

362
00:23:16.960 --> 00:23:20.440
giving others for mistakes and for giving yourself for mistakes.

363
00:23:22.119 --> 00:23:26.039
Very reluctant to consider extenuating circumstances, to give people the

364
00:23:26.079 --> 00:23:31.079
benefit of the doubt, No real allowance for human imperfection,

365
00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:38.319
no real empathy for other people's feelings, just punishment. So

366
00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:43.359
they are the eighteen maladaptive schemes that Jeffrey Young identified

367
00:23:43.400 --> 00:23:46.119
in his work. Maybe you're related to some of those.

368
00:23:46.200 --> 00:23:48.759
Maybe you can see some of those in the people

369
00:23:48.839 --> 00:23:51.559
around you. And like I said, this is really just

370
00:23:51.599 --> 00:23:55.359
about understanding that often these have developed in early life

371
00:23:55.400 --> 00:23:59.960
as a result of or in response to this is

372
00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.200
suation we find ourselves as children, and not just external circumstances.

373
00:24:04.200 --> 00:24:07.839
There's obviously a mixture of temperament, like our natural personality

374
00:24:08.119 --> 00:24:10.240
and how it interacts with the world around us in

375
00:24:10.279 --> 00:24:12.640
the situation and the family that we find ourselves in

376
00:24:13.599 --> 00:24:18.240
the experiences that we have, and therefore we form these

377
00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:21.559
mental constructs. And like I said, they can often lay dormant,

378
00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:25.720
they're just there. There's almost become personality like you go

379
00:24:25.799 --> 00:24:27.960
through life believing that this is just how you are

380
00:24:28.720 --> 00:24:32.160
and natural fact. Often they've been developed as a result

381
00:24:32.240 --> 00:24:36.680
of these experiences, and then we don't necessarily question them,

382
00:24:37.119 --> 00:24:40.640
and then they get activated, they get triggered in certain situations.

383
00:24:40.640 --> 00:24:42.880
We find ourselves in a situation and long and behold

384
00:24:43.079 --> 00:24:50.759
upcomes the failure schema, the abandonment schema, the approval seeking schema,

385
00:24:50.920 --> 00:24:53.359
whatever it might be. And so until we have some

386
00:24:53.480 --> 00:24:57.359
understanding of what's going on, we can really just be

387
00:24:57.440 --> 00:24:59.480
at the mercy of them, because they run like the

388
00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:02.720
soft they're like attachment styles. They just run like the

389
00:25:02.759 --> 00:25:06.000
software of the computer. They're just the operating system, and

390
00:25:06.640 --> 00:25:12.519
they're really heavily influencing your responses and your reactions and

391
00:25:12.559 --> 00:25:15.160
the way you interpret events in life, the way you

392
00:25:15.160 --> 00:25:18.880
interpret situations, what you bring to relationships, so it can

393
00:25:18.920 --> 00:25:22.680
be really really useful to understand them. Where schemas get

394
00:25:22.680 --> 00:25:26.200
a little more complicated, this is the interesting thing I

395
00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:30.720
find is that it's not just that we automatically go

396
00:25:30.839 --> 00:25:34.640
with the schema. Like if I've got an abandonment schema

397
00:25:34.799 --> 00:25:38.880
and I completely yielded to that, then I would always

398
00:25:38.920 --> 00:25:41.799
be putting myself into situations where I'm likely to be abandoned.

399
00:25:42.240 --> 00:25:46.119
And that is one way that schemas play out, is

400
00:25:46.160 --> 00:25:48.240
that we surrender to it. We just go with it.

401
00:25:48.319 --> 00:25:50.480
Like if I've got a failure schema and I'm just

402
00:25:50.519 --> 00:25:53.079
a failure, like I'd literally just fail at everything. I

403
00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:55.559
don't try it. I put myself forward for anything, and

404
00:25:55.599 --> 00:25:59.160
I just put myself in situations that continue to reinforce

405
00:25:59.279 --> 00:26:02.759
this view, this worldview, that I'm a failure, that I

406
00:26:02.759 --> 00:26:06.079
will never ever be good enough. That's what it means

407
00:26:06.079 --> 00:26:10.079
to yield or surrender to the schema. But that's not

408
00:26:10.119 --> 00:26:14.799
always what we do. Sometimes what we do is we overcompensate. So,

409
00:26:15.160 --> 00:26:17.839
for example, you might imagine that if I have an

410
00:26:17.839 --> 00:26:22.680
abandonment schema and I'm overcompensating or kind of trying to

411
00:26:23.000 --> 00:26:27.839
counteract or counterattack it so that it doesn't run my life,

412
00:26:28.480 --> 00:26:31.680
then I might become a very avoidant person. Instead of

413
00:26:31.720 --> 00:26:35.519
being the one who is overly anxious and needy and

414
00:26:35.559 --> 00:26:37.839
insecure all the time, constantly believing that you're going to

415
00:26:38.039 --> 00:26:40.640
leave me, maybe I'm the one who always leaves you.

416
00:26:41.119 --> 00:26:43.640
Maybe I don't let myself get too close because I

417
00:26:43.680 --> 00:26:47.200
don't want to put myself in that situation. Maybe I

418
00:26:47.279 --> 00:26:51.519
become the opposite of that schema as a way of coping.

419
00:26:52.480 --> 00:26:58.559
If I have a failure schemer, maybe I push myself

420
00:26:58.599 --> 00:27:03.920
and push myself to AI as a way of squashing

421
00:27:03.960 --> 00:27:07.359
down that core feeling that I'm somehow a failure and

422
00:27:07.640 --> 00:27:12.240
inapt or unintelligent or unworthy. Maybe I push myself to achieve,

423
00:27:12.359 --> 00:27:15.960
to try to compensate or counteract for my failure schema,

424
00:27:16.000 --> 00:27:18.920
to prove to everybody, including myself, that I'm actually not

425
00:27:18.960 --> 00:27:23.400
a failure. But deep down, that's actually what's driving it.

426
00:27:23.599 --> 00:27:28.039
Similarly with the you know I talked about the grandiosity

427
00:27:28.200 --> 00:27:31.720
the entitlement schema, which can look like narcissism. What about

428
00:27:31.720 --> 00:27:36.079
if there's a defectiveness or a shame schema that we're

429
00:27:36.240 --> 00:27:41.880
compensating over compensating for by behaving more superior to other people.

430
00:27:42.480 --> 00:27:45.880
So it's not necessarily as simple as we just play

431
00:27:45.920 --> 00:27:48.640
out the same pattern. Sometimes what we do is we

432
00:27:48.680 --> 00:27:52.680
actually flip it and we do the opposite. So it's

433
00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:55.720
actually not always that easy to spot. And I think

434
00:27:55.720 --> 00:27:57.599
this is where if you're into this sort of thing,

435
00:27:57.680 --> 00:27:59.319
or if you know that something's going on with you

436
00:27:59.599 --> 00:28:02.119
and needs you know, you want to work on, it

437
00:28:02.119 --> 00:28:05.200
can be really useful to see somebody who's a therapist,

438
00:28:05.279 --> 00:28:08.200
a trained psychologist or psychiatrist, or somebody who's got some

439
00:28:08.279 --> 00:28:11.400
experience and understanding of schemers, because they can help you

440
00:28:11.480 --> 00:28:14.279
kind of dig in an unpack what's really going on

441
00:28:14.359 --> 00:28:19.440
or what's really driving that behavior. Similarly, the third strategy

442
00:28:19.680 --> 00:28:25.720
is escape escape, So there's basically surrender, there's compensate or counterattack,

443
00:28:26.039 --> 00:28:27.759
and then there's escape, and that is where we just

444
00:28:27.839 --> 00:28:32.839
avoid any situation that might activate our schema, or we

445
00:28:32.880 --> 00:28:35.480
actually just do a lot of those emotional avoidance kind

446
00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:39.680
of behaviors, whether that is numbing out, using drugs or alcohol,

447
00:28:39.759 --> 00:28:43.920
maybe just avoiding relationships altogether, avoiding situations that might trigger

448
00:28:44.000 --> 00:28:47.640
us into feeling like we are somehow defective or a failure.

449
00:28:47.960 --> 00:28:51.079
Like so, escape and avoidance is the third kind of

450
00:28:51.119 --> 00:28:56.599
strategy that sometimes people use. I hope that that has

451
00:28:56.640 --> 00:28:59.680
been somewhat helpful. As I said, I think it's just

452
00:28:59.680 --> 00:29:03.319
a really useful it's a tool. It's a useful way

453
00:29:03.359 --> 00:29:06.240
of thinking about humans and why we do what we do,

454
00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:09.119
and what drives us and where we might be tripping

455
00:29:09.160 --> 00:29:12.160
ourselves up in life and in relationships. I don't think

456
00:29:12.200 --> 00:29:14.559
we all necessarily need to dig right into schemers and

457
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:18.079
understand scheme theory and scheme of therapy, And honestly, schemo

458
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:20.960
therapy gets way more complicated than that. I've given you

459
00:29:21.000 --> 00:29:24.480
the very basics. I did do some training in it

460
00:29:24.640 --> 00:29:27.119
quite a few years ago, but I don't consider myself

461
00:29:27.160 --> 00:29:31.039
to be like a very effective scheme of therapist or

462
00:29:31.039 --> 00:29:34.880
anything like that. I really only understand the basics of it.

463
00:29:34.960 --> 00:29:37.400
But it can be useful if you're interested in that

464
00:29:37.440 --> 00:29:39.079
sort of thing and want to develop a little self

465
00:29:39.160 --> 00:29:41.720
understanding or you recognize yourself in any of those schemers,

466
00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:46.200
then I hope that that can be helpful for you.

467
00:29:46.559 --> 00:29:48.359
I guess the only thing that we haven't talked about

468
00:29:48.440 --> 00:29:53.000
is what you do about it. And obviously, similar to

469
00:29:53.400 --> 00:29:56.559
attachment styles, right when you recognize that something is playing

470
00:29:56.599 --> 00:29:59.720
out and that it's being triggered by an early experience,

471
00:30:00.119 --> 00:30:02.319
this is not how you want to be in life

472
00:30:02.440 --> 00:30:05.400
or in relationships, then it really is a case of understanding,

473
00:30:05.400 --> 00:30:10.599
developing that psychological insight, the awareness, and then having tools

474
00:30:11.519 --> 00:30:14.160
to help you to stop in that moment and pause

475
00:30:14.279 --> 00:30:16.759
and choose to do something different. And doing something different

476
00:30:16.799 --> 00:30:19.279
will feel deeply uncomfortable if this is the way you've

477
00:30:19.319 --> 00:30:22.960
done things your whole life, and especially in relationships, deeply

478
00:30:23.240 --> 00:30:26.720
uncomfortable to flip that on its head and to do

479
00:30:26.759 --> 00:30:29.680
something different and to train yourself into a different way

480
00:30:29.680 --> 00:30:31.640
of being. And that's why it could be really helpful

481
00:30:31.680 --> 00:30:33.920
to have the support of a therapist or a coach

482
00:30:34.400 --> 00:30:38.160
or somebody who can work with you to gradually recognize

483
00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:42.240
and start to take more steps to change some of

484
00:30:42.279 --> 00:30:48.359
these patterns if you really recognize that they're not serving you.

485
00:30:50.960 --> 00:30:53.160
If you'd like to know any more about that, obviously,

486
00:30:53.240 --> 00:30:55.000
hit me up and I will do my best to

487
00:30:55.519 --> 00:30:58.400
answer any more questions that you have. Certainly you should

488
00:30:58.480 --> 00:31:00.920
rush out and buy my yellow book, Crappy to Happy

489
00:31:01.400 --> 00:31:05.160
Love who You're With, which talks about attachment styles and schemers,

490
00:31:05.400 --> 00:31:07.640
as well as lots of other good, useful tips for

491
00:31:07.680 --> 00:31:11.920
having healthier relationships with yourself and with other people. Until

492
00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:14.440
next time, give us a five star rating or review.

493
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:18.480
If you enjoy the show, send me your questions and

494
00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:21.200
I'll catch you next week on another episode of Crapy

495
00:31:21.240 --> 00:31:27.400
to Happy listener