Sept. 5, 2023

What do you do for fun?

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We all know how important play is for children, but it's just as important for grown-ups! In the busyness of life, we consider hobbies to be trivial and time-wasting, and can find ourselves being weighed down by responsibility and losing our connection to what brings us joy.In this episode, Cass explains the benefits of prioritising play, how playfulness is as much an attitude as an activity, and shares some ideas that might help you reconnect with your own sense of fun and inspire you to make more time for things that bring you joy.
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Transcript

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This is Crappya Happy and I am your host, Cas Doune.

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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher

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and of course author of the Crappia Happy books. In

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this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent

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people who are experts in their field and who have

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something of value to share that will help you feel

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less crappy and more happy. Hello and welcome to another

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solo episode of Crappy to Happy. Can I start by

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saying thank you to everybody who's gone and followed my

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brand new Instagram page which I created for the podcast.

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Many years of deliberation, I kept putting it off, and

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I finally decided to set up its own Instagram account.

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It is called Crappy to Happy Pod and I just

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hit one hundred followers. Thank you so much so if

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you're a fan of the podcast, you'll see all of

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the latest episodes over there. Now, since we last spoke,

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I went to pub choir here in London and I

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need to tell you it was the most fun. All

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of us who were there said it was the best

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fun we have had in a long time. My husband said,

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it's the best fun he's ever had. He's a fan,

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and if you have been to Pubquir you'll know exactly

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what I'm talking about. And if you haven't, then can

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I please suggest that you put it right up at

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the top of your list if Pubchoir comes to town

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where you live, get along to that. It really was

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super fun as much comedy as singing, and you absolutely

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do not need to know how to sing. If you

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didn't hear my conversation with Astrod about that, then go

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back and check it out from a couple of weeks ago.

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But it did lead me to want to talk to

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you today about this idea of doing things just because

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they're fun. Play is something that we don't focus enough on,

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and I really want to encourage you, and I'm going

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to give you a lot of compelling reasons today why

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you need to add some more fun into your life.

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So we know how important to play is for children.

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It forms the foundation for their social skills, social emotional intelligence,

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their brain development. They learn through exploring the world how

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things work. They develop language skills, they develop the ability

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to take turns, how to manage social relationships. I mean,

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play based learning is so critical for children's development. They

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learn as much in the playground as they do in

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the classroom as much or more. And we really, I

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think we know that, and even if you don't know that,

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through science and literature, instinctively we kind of know that

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how important that is for children. What happens, though, is

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as we get older, play starts to become less important.

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It starts to become a thing that is trivial. As

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we get busier, even as children, as we go into

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high school and there's this focus on results and academics

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and what are you going to do with your life,

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and you settle down and be serious, and of course

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that just gets worse and worse the older you get.

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You got a university, you get a job, and life

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becomes so full of responsibilities, and we really do treat

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fun and play and hobbies as something that is immature, trivial, unimportant.

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If you have a hobby, it's something that you squeeze

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in potentially after all of the important stuff is done,

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especially if you are a woman, if you are a mother,

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then a time for you to do things that are

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just fun for you seen as selfish, if not by

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other people, it might feel like it's to you. It

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always feels like there's something to be done for other

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people before you could indulge in something that is purely

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fun for you. And I really want to talk to

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this because I speak to a lot of women obviously,

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and you might have heard me say this in my

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conversation with Astrid that we had a conversation amongst my

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community one day about what do we do for fun?

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Like where do we find what we are creative outlets?

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What do we do just for the sheer joy of

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it because it's interesting and pleasurable and just fun and

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relaxing and engaging for us. It doesn't have an outcome

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that we're not trying to lose weight or develop a skill,

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or study something or do personal development or go to

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yoga because we need to get more calm, like all

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of these things have some sort of objective, then we

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don't often do them just purely for the pure joy

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of it because we just like to do it as

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something fun for ourselves. And in that conversation, a lot

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of the women reflected that even when they did find

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something that they enjoyed doing that was playful and fun

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and just for the pure joy of it, it often

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then would turn into something kind of competitive, like they

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needed to learn how to be the best knitter or

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crocheer or something like. It ended up kind of taking

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on this striving kind of mindset instead of just being

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able to do it purely for the fun of it.

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So I want to remind you today of the importance

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of play, even as an adult, why it's good for you.

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If you need a compelling reason, if you need some

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science to convince you that it is worthwhile and important

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for you to take time for play, I will convince

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you of that, and then maybe we can just have

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a little think about what some things might be. I mean,

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you may have some things popping into your mind already,

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but if you're stuck and struggling, then I'll try to

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give you some suggestions that might help you out. Because

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it's also true that the older we get, and the

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more burdened by responsibility and other people's requirements and our

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children's play and what's fun for them and what we

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need to do for them. You know, in that juggle

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of life, it's very easy to become very disconnected from

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ourselves and what actually feels fun. I also talk to

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a lot of people who couldn't tell me what it

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is that they find fun to do, what they would

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do if they were to take up a hobby. They're

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so completely disconnected, they've completely forgotten what it is that

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they may be used to enjoy doing when they are

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less burdened by life and all of its responsibilities. So

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we can have a think about what some of those

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might be, and hopefully you will go away inspired to

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take up or reignite something that you used to love

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to do and that you can make time for again,

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knowing how important it is for your physical, mental, emotional,

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psychological well being and the well being of all of

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the people around you who will also benefit from you

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being more relaxed, happy, energized, calm, less stressed, just more

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vital and vibrant in your life because you have taken

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the time. So play is something that we do purely

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for its own sake. It's voluntary, it's pleasurable. Like I said,

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it's not something that we necessarily do because we're trying

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to achieve a particular outcome. It is its own reward.

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We do it because we enjoy doing it, Which is

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not to say that you can't find competitive activities fun

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and enjoyable. Talk to this a bit more later, but

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it really is about the mindset that you bring to it.

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So the same activity for two different people, for one

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might be really joyful and pleasurable and fun and just

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done for the love of it, and for somebody else

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it might feel completely different. So it's a mindset, and

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it's important for you to be honest with yourself about

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what you can do that feels fun and pleasurable for

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you that doesn't become stressful or competitive or frustrating because

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you've got a different kind of less playful attitude towards

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that activity. So let's just talk about why this is important.

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You know, like I said before, there's been lots of

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studies done into the benefits of play for children, and

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we haven't focused so much on the importance of play

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for adults. But more and more I'm seeing research come

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out and lots of analysis of kinds of play and

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what kind of play might appeal to different people, different

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kinds of play personalities. What's fun for one person is

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not fun for another person. So I want to just

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touch on all of that today to help you to

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kind of think about what might be worthwhile for you

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to pursue. So I read one study and a sample

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of two one hundred and fifty five adults completed subjective

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measures of playfulness along with self ratings for various facets

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of well being, and what they found was that adult

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playfulness very positively associated with life satisfaction, an inclination to

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enjoyable activities, and an active way of life. Also some

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small positive association with physical fitness. Now that's obviously going

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to depend on what you do for fun. If you

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do something that's physical, then you might notice that there

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are physical benefits to that as well. So if you

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play sport, for example, it can also not just improve

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your physical fitness, but it can reduce your stress hormones

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trigger the release of endorphins that obviously makes you feel good.

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So if your hobby is running or playing team sport,

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or something physical like that, zoomber class or going along

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to a hip hop class, and really like when I

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say zoomer class, the first thing that comes to my

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mind is, oh, you go there to exercise to lose

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weight and get fit. We want to try to remove

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all of that thinking and think about what we do

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just for fun, for the sound of the music and

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the laughter and the feeling of freedom and vitality. Like

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this is what we're talking about when we talk about

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play along to a dance class, because you're trying to

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lose weight, what you can do for fun, which means

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in exactly the same way, you could dance around your

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lounge room. You could just dance around your kitchen, put

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some music on. You don't actually need to go out

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and do something structured and timed. You can just find

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that moment in your own day. And this is the

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important thing too when I say number one, it is

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an attitude, It is a mindset more so than the

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actual activity. And number two, it is about finding these

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moments every single day to build play into your life

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and into your lifestyle. Not a structured Saturday afternoon class

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that you do, although that could be fine, but we

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want to try to bring more of this playfulness, this

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playful attitude, this fun into our every day. Really make

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it a part of our lifestyle. Right, So, moving on,

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when we engage in fun activities, pleasurable, playful activities, we

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might be laughing, and laughter also simulates the release of endorphins.

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It makes us feel good. If we're doing this with

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a group of other people, it enhances our relationships, It

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boosts our capacity to bond we have the release of oxytocin,

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which is that hormone, you know, the bonding kind of hormone.

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If we are at work and we feel engaged and

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playful and curious, then and you might think work is

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not a place for play, but you know, it's like

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bringing this playful mindset, this playful attitude into our even

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our work related activities. It boosts creativity, It helps us

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to find more creative solutions to problems. It reduces stress,

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it increases productivity. And again I almost feel reluctant saying that,

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because I don't want anybody to think, Okay, I've got

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to go and like find things to do for hobbies

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because it's going to make me more productive at work.

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Like that is the that is the opposite of what

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I'm trying to say. I'm trying to say, do it

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for the sake of it, for the joy of it.

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But knowing that doing that it is not a trivial activity,

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it is not a time waste. You will find that

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it has a flow on effect and that it does

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improve various other aspects of your life and your well being.

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That's the only reason I'm talking about the benefits, not

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so that you go and do it so that you're

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a cheap a benefit, but so that you know it's

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not a waste of time. You might find it boosts

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your brain, your cognitive skills. If your particular things that

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you do for fun and for hobbies are things like

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crossroad puzzles and Sodoku and kind of mind bending puzzles

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that challenge you intellectually, then that can really keep you

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mentally sharp as well. When you are regularly taking time

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out to do things that are fun, you know, a

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flow on effect of that is that you tend to

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be more relaxed and happy. That you are feel more calm,

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less stressed and anxious. Not that it's a miracle cure,

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but you know, the more that you can build in

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these opportunities for fun and for play, the more that

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you can balance out some of life's worries and stresses

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and anxieties that we all have to live with, then

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the more calm you are, you might find that you

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sleep more soundly. Especially if you do something that's physical

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too and it actually wears you out, you might find

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that you sleep better. And then that better sleep, that

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enhanced quality of sleep has enormous flow on benefits to

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every other aspect of your health and well being as well.

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Like I said, if you're doing hobbies and activities as

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a group, if you're going along, if you're playing board games,

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if you're getting together with other people to do something

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that you find fun. If you're going off and playing pickleball,

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that seems to be all the bloody rage at the moment.

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Everybody I know it's playing pickleball. You know, anything that

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you're doing that is with a group of people, even

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if you're playing Monopoly. Here in London, I notice there's

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all of these. I don't know if you guys have

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got these in Australia, but here there are all of

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these like board game cafes where you can go and

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you can either just play whatever game that you like.

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Or they'll have this one just around the corner from

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where I live, and I've never been in, I have

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to admit, but they'll have a sign up on the

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door that today this is what we're playing. And so

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everybody just goes in there and you just sit down

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and just go by yourself, or you go with a friend,

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but all these people show up and everybody just plays

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board games together. How fun is that for you? It

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might be something creative, singing, writing, drawing, writing short stories,

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or even just journaling. I know a good friend of mine,

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Ellen Jackson, also a psychologist and host of the Potential

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Psychology podcast. She's gone back to writing a substack newsletter.

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She's like really gone off social media. She was telling

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me the other day that she just felt this need

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to kind of go back to basics and where it

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all started for her was writing. She published a book

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a long time ago too, maybe actually, and so she's

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just gone back to that kind of getting back at

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her care what feels good for her. And this is

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what I'm encouraging you to do, like getting back to

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the basics, like at your core, what feels good for you?

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Do you eliminate all of the fluff, like all of

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this stuff that we feel like we should do, all

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of this feeling of obligation. What just feels good for you,

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that is just for you. It can help sometimes to

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think about what did you like to do for fun

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when you're a kid, If you are a person who

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is kind of struggling with what you you might do

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for a hobby or what you might do for play,

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Like if you really loved play, though, then maybe you

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would like to do pottery, you know, maybe playing with

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clay something like that. If you're a person who loved

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to dance, then maybe dance you that, like I said,

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dance around your loungry. Or you can go and you know,

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find a class, join a hip hop class or a

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salsa class. I had another friend who used to go

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to like tango dancing every Tuesday night. She just loved it.

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There was a great community and they literally just went

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there for fun. It was non competitive, purely for fun. Obviously.

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I went along to pub choir. That was a one

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off event, but I know loads of people who who

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have joined choirs in that adult life, and again they

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just go because it is joyful. Oh I've got another

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friend she has recently taken up. Oh god, I don't

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know how. You know how everybody's doing that cold like

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those cold immersions in the in the morning, pet well

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doesn't have to be in the morning. But you know,

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whim is really popularized this idea of ice baths. Right,

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people get into ice bars're supposed to have like really

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really really profound benefits for your wellbeing. I haven't quite

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tried that yet. I think about it a few times,

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but closes to stuff. God is just turning my shower

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from hot to cold just before I get out, having

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a blast of cold, and I have to admit it's

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not even really that cold. But anyway, she goes for

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a swim in the river first thing in the morning,

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like five or six in the morning, and she's got

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this whole group of crazy people who do it with her,

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and so it's become this real community bonding experience. Now,

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maybe she started doing that because she thought there was

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some health benefit in it, but it has really become

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something that she loves to do. It is just fun

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for her. She's not, as far as I know, checking

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her stats and checking her blood pressure and her heart rate.

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She's doing it because she just loves it. She enjoys it,

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and she's created this whole community around that activity. I've

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had friends take up cycling in their forties. My own

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parents took up horse breeding, of all things. Now they

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turned it into a business. Okay, So this is the thing.

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Sometimes you might do something for fun, for play, because

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you enjoy it, and maybe something does develop of it.

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Maybe you do turn it into a career, maybe you

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do turn it into a business. I mean, my parents

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never gave up their jobs while they were breeding horses.

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It really was a side thing, just a very time

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consuming side thing. But the point is when you start off,

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you don't have in your head that the only reason

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this is going to be worthwhile is if you can

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turn it into our business, if you can leave your

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job and make a career of this. You don't decide

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that you're not going to there's no point writing short

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stories because you're obviously not going to get published. Like

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that's we don't do this because of some perceived outcome

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and tell ourselves at the only reason it's worthwhile is

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if there is some kind of benefit at the other

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end of it, beyond just doing the thing because it's fun.

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That's my point. There's came up in conversation again just

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the other day because again inside my own private community,

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we were talking about but somehow we got onto talking

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about Eve Rodsky and this concept of fair play. So

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Eve Rodsky she's been in my podcast twice. We did

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a part one and a part two. She wrote the

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book fair Play. She developed the fair Play Cards that

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was all about the equal division of labor in your household.

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She came up with this ingenious method of sorting every

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single task that is required for the running of the household.

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Every single task is divided and when each person has

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agreed on their particular tasks, and that person owns the

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responsibility of that task from conception to execution to completion,

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so the other person does not tell them how to

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do the job, do all of the groundwork so that

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they can just do their job. I think as women,

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we all have been in this situation where we have

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a partner who will say, I'm more than happy to help.

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Just tell me what you want me to do, or yeah,

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I can look after the kids on one of the

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days of the school holidays. You just tell me which

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day you need, like leaving you to do all of

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the mental planning, prep ringing around play dates, vacation care organizing,

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so that they can just step in and do that

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one thing that you told them to do and get

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like a pad on the back for it. Kelly. So

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Eve's whole point was that conception, execution, completion, and the

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other person completely stops micromanaging and allows that person to

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do the job, you know, to whatever standard they agree on.

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The minimum standard. So the next book that Ev wrote,

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I have a point with this. The next book that

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ev wrote was called Unicorn Space, and so she says,

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once you have freed up your time, your mental energy,

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like offloaded all of that mental load that you were carrying.

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Now that you have an even division of labor in

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your household, then what are you going to do with

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that spare time? And she talks about this Unicorn space

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as being the place where you can have a creative

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self expressive activity. And it doesn't matter what it is,

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it is creative self expression. So when she talks about

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Unicorn Space, she's not just about hobbies, if I'm honest.

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She In fact, she says hobbies are something quite different.

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She does say that it's really important for everybody to

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have a vehicle for creative self expression. And it may

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be hip hop classes, it may be writing short stories,

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it may be quiere, knitting, singing, dancing, pottery making, creating,

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could be anything. But she says that these there are

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some key elements to this. It should be led by curiosity.

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So following your curiosity. That's another big concept that Elizabeth

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Gilbert writes about in her book Big Magic. She says,

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just follow the curiosity, don't worry about where it might

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lead It doesn't have to be the end game. Just

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follow the bread crumbs of your curiosity. If you feel happy, engaged,

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if you feel pulled into a flow state, then that

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is your clue that you are on the right track.

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That's a quote by Kennon Sheldon, who is a psychology professor.

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She also says that having a partner involved, even just

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for accountability, is really important for your unicorn space. Tell

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somebody about what you're doing, share your work with others.

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And he also talks about completion. And she actually said

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to me in my podcast because I said, oh, what

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if I start something but then I just don't finish it?

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And she said, completion doesn't mean finishing, It just means

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you've seeing it through to your own completion. So if

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you're done with it, that's okay. You can be done

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