What is Toxic Positivity? and has it gone too far?

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A listener production. Hello, and welcome to another solo episode

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of Crappy to Happy. Today, I want to talk about

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this idea of toxic positivity, and not in the way

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that you might be expecting you see. I tend to

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feel at the moment like perhaps we've swung too far

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in the opposite direction. And what I'm seeing and maybe

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you're seeing it too, is all positivity being labeled as toxic?

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Any attempt to shift somebody out of a negative frame

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of mind, or to suggest that people remain hopeful or

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optimistic or express gratitude, particularly if people have been going

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through something that's really difficult and challenging, they're being accused

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of toxic positivity, when in fact, the fact remains, the

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science remains that positivity, a positive frame of mind, positive emotions,

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positive outlook are very, very, very beneficial. So I want

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to do a little pr job for positivity today. I

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want to just suggest that not all positivity is toxic.

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So where do we draw the line? How do we

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find the balance? I would like to remind you, in

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case you have forgotten of what the benefits of positivity

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really are for your health, for your happiness, for your

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success in work, and in life, for your ability to

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recover from illness and injury. There are so many proven,

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documented benefits from doing the best job you can of

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maintaining a positive outlook. And of course that doesn't mean

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pretending that things are fine when they're not, or dismissing

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denying negative, very real, very genuine negative thoughts and feelings,

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But it does mean being able to find that optimistic

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outlook when things aren't going well. I would love to

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start with reminding you of what are the benefits of

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a positive outlook, or what are the functions of positive emotions?

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What purpose do they serve, how do they benefit us?

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I did do an entire episode on this way way

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way back in the beginning. It might have even been

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in season one, potentially season two, but it was called

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Think Happy Thoughts, and it was all about the benefits

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of positive thinking and positive emotions. So I'm going to

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touch on that again today and then talk about how

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this idea of toxic positivity came about, what it is,

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and where we can draw the line, because I really

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don't think it is helpful at all for us to

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be accusing people of toxic positivity when really, sometimes they

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are doing a very good thing in attempting to maintain

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a positive outlook when things are challenging. So a positive

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mindset is the breeding ground for creativity, expansive and visionary thinking, empathy, cooperation,

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and connection. All about the name of Barbara Frederick's and

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has been studying positive emotions for about the last thirty

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or more years. She's done loads of research, She's written books,

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she's published papers. She really explored what is the function

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of positive emotions because we know what the function is

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of negative emotions. When you feel something like anger, discussed fear,

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those things that we typically would call a negative thought

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or a negative emotion, what they do is they narrow

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our focus so that we can identify a problem and

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fix it, so that we can fight off an attacker,

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so that we can get ourselves out of the situation,

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so that we can reject something that is dangerous or

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harmful to us, so that we can avoid things that

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are likely to cause us harm. And obviously we have

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a very strong inbuilt negativity bias in all of our brains.

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We've talked about that often. That is our ancient instinctive

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primitive survival strategy. That is our brain being wired to

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help you to be on the lookout for things that

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could potentially cause you harm so that you can avoid

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those things, so that you can stay safe and reproduce

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and ensure the species continues. Our brains tend to be

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wired towards looking for problems, and when we do, when

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we experience something that is painful or difficult or negative,

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it triggers us into action to keep us safe. So

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serves the purpose of narrowing our focus, wrapping our mind

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around a problem so that we can solve the problem.

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Now we all know that that can be something it's

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very useful keeps us safe. We also know it can

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be very detrimental. We know what it's like to have

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our minds wrapped around a problem so tightly that we

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can't see the wood for the trees, that we can't

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think about anything else. That is the role and the

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function of that fight or flight response to narrow our perspective,

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to narrow our focus, to zone in on a problem,

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and sometimes that can create a very negative downward spiral

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where all we're doing thinking more and more and more

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negative thoughts, engaging in more and more unhelpful behaviors, creating

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a stress response in our body, flooding our body with

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adrenaline and cortisol, because that again, that's all part of

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that same fight or flight response that's designed to keep

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us safe. But over time, that reduces our immunity, it

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reduces our physical health, it reduces our psychological health, disconnects

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us from the world around us, from our relationships, stops

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us from communicating with the people who are important to us.

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Not good for us, not good for anybody around us.

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Until Barbara Fredrickson and probably some of her colleagues came along,

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we weren't really interested in studying the role and function

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of positive emotions. We looked at emotions in general and

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the purpose that they served. We weren't equipped with the

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ability to experience positive emotions unless they serve a purpose.

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From an evolutionary perspective, everything serves a purpose. So what

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she found is what is now called the broaden and

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build theory, is that what positive emotions do is they

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broaden our thought, action, repertoire, and other wors words. They

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widen the pool I guess of available actions. They broaden

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our perspective. They open up a world of possibility. So,

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for example, the feeling of joy inspires us to want

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to play and have fun and play serves many many

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useful purposes, not just for kids, for adults as well.

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We adults are not very good at playing, but play

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is really good for us. The positive emotion of contentment

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enables us to really saveor and appreciate positive experiences in

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our life. The positive emotion of curiosity inspires us to

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be inquisitive, to seek and acquire new information. Love inspires

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us to connect with people. They actually also literally broaden

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our vision. We tend to see more in our peripheral

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vision when we are in a positive mood. We tend

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to see other people in a more positive light when

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we're in a positive mood. When you're in a negative

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frame of mind. When you're in a negative mood, it

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literally narrow your field of vision. That's all part of

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that biological fight or flight response. We are less attuned

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to what is going on in the world around us.

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When you're feeling positive, you are much more open to

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what's going on around you. You see more, you hear more,

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you pick up more. And what those experiences then go

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on to do is they're building. So remember I said

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it's the broaden and build theory. They are building your

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repertoire of resources that will then help you to cope

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more effectively when things get challenging in the future. So,

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if you are experiencing positive emotions, positive thoughts, are optimistic

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and hopeful outlook, feelings of gratitude and appreciation. If you

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are happy, then the actions that inspires in you, the

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experiences that you are more likely to have as a

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result of that, also serve the purpose, serve the function

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of equipping you with resources that then down the track

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help you to cope more effectively when things go badly.

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Let me just give you a little run through of

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what some of the benefits are to you and to

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the people around you of being happier. Now, I say

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happier happiness is a fleeting emotion, but you know, I'm

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really talking about the whole idea of emotional wellbeing, which

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is generally feeling good, feeling positive, having a positive mindset,

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a positive mood, a positive optimistic outlook. So emotional wellbeing

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predicts long term prognosis of physical illness. So, in other words,

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if you are unwell, if you are experiencing heart disease

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or even cancer, studies have shown people have a better outlook,

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they get a better prognosis they live longer, they recover

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more quickly. When they have a positive outlook. People do

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better even when they're really really unwell. People who can

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maintain a positive outlook on the whole, clearly this is

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not like every single individual on the whole, they tend

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to do a whole lot better. The outlook is a

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lot better. There is a whole lot of major literature

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reviews so that have synthesized all of the research SHO

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and eventually have concluded that the effects of well being

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as in positivity on physical health, better health, reduced risk

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of injury and illness, and lower mortality rates. As I said,

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people with a family history of heart disease so therefore

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who are more at risk of heart disease, who also

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have a positive outlook are one third less likely to

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have a heart attack or another heart cardiovascular event within

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five to twenty five years than people with the same

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family history who have a negative outlook. People in the

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general population who don't have that family history so therefore

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are not necessarily at that increased risk, are thirteen percent

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less likely to have a heart attack or another currentary

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event than somebody who is typically more negative has experience

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this more negative emotions, low mood. One study that I

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read from the University of Kansas found that smiling, even

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fake smiling, reduces heart rate and blood pressure during stressful situations.

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So physical health and wellbeing much better in people who

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are positive on the whole. What about on the job,

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happy workers enjoy multiple advantages over their less happy peers.

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That is a direct quote from an article that I read.

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So individuals who are high and subjective well being again,

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that is, being happier, more positive. They are more likely

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to secure job interviews. They are evaluated more positively by

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their supervisors. Once they get the job, they show superior

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performance and productivity. They handle responsibility better. They are less

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likely to succumb to stress and burnout. On the job,

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they're promoted more often. They're paid more in sales, they

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sell more in customer service. They have higher customer satisfaction ratings.

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People who are happy do better on the job. They're

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more likely to graduate from college even before they get

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to the workplace. They also are found to secure better jobs.

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And when I say better, I mean jobs that have

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more meaning, more autonomy, because we know that autonomy on

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the job is associated with job satisfaction and more variety.

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They're just more likely to succeed. They're more likely to

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be cooperative, to be well liked, to get good results

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in the workplace. Now, I just want to make the

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point here that for the longest time, when people drew

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the associations, when people found the associations between happiness and success,

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people initially used to assume, well, that, of course those

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people are happier because they've got the long lasting marriage,

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and they've got the good job, and they're making them

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more money, and they're physically healthy, and maybe it's the

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fact that they're just having a really good run in life,

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that you know, life's treating them pretty well, and that

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is the reason that they are happier. The studies have

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since proven that it's actually the other way around. It

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is the happiness often the positive mood, the positive outlook

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that leads people to have more satisfying relationships, better job prospects,

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more satisfying jobs, higher quality of friendships, and better health

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and wellbeing. People who have a positive outlook are more

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likely to engage in healthy habits. They eat more healthily,

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they're less likely to use substances, they're less likely to

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be smokers. People who have a positive outlook, engage in

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more pro social behavior, that is, behaviors that are designed

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to benefit other people, contribute to the community. They're more altruistic,

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they're more generous, they're more likely to help others. Suffice

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it to say that the benefits of having a positive outlook,

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of being positive are profound, and there's loads of research

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to support that. And I really think we went through

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a period where that information became really widely known and understood.

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And this is where studies were coming out and media

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reports were coming out espousing the benefits of a positive outlook,

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and this is where I think we started to see

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all of these good vibes only and we need to

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all be keeping a gratitude journal, and we need to

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always be optimistic. And obviously the field of positive psychology,

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which is still twenty five years old now, so still

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relatively young, that positive psychology research started coming out and

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so was it made its way into the mainstream media,

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and we saw all of the benefits of being happy

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and you know, ten things that you can do to

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make yourself happier today, and then the backlash started. Then

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I think people started to recognize that sometimes this was

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not always helpful, that life is not always happy, of

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course it's not. Life is difficult and challenging, and suggesting

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that somebody just be happy or good vibes only, or

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just be grateful for what you've got, or just diminishing

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and undermining people's negative experiences. Some examples are things like,

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you know, look for the silver lining, everything happens for

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a reason. This kind of attitude and this kind of

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suggestion was really undermining and invalidating people's very real, very natural,

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difficult emotions, painful thoughts and feelings. And so we developed

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this new term called toxic positivity, and we started to

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recognize that that can be really harmful, and maybe we

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shouldn't just tell people to everything happens for a reason,

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and maybe we shouldn't tell people to just look on

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the bright side, because maybe that's actually really not very

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helpful to anybody. And that's true toxic positivity. The definition

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that we use now is the excessive and ineffective over

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generalization of a happy and optimistic state across all situations.

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So this applies sometimes to an individual who is personally

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not allowing themselves to acknowledge the full extent of their

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own pain, their own grief, their own suffering their own

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difficult negative emotions, their sadness, their anger, their frustration, their irritability,

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you know, denying their own emotions. And it also refers

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to people projecting that onto somebody else, So telling somebody

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else that they should just get over it or think

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happy thoughts or that kind of invalidating somebody else's experience.

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So it's not just something that one person does to another.

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It can be something that you are doing yourself. I

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want to throw in here that another term that is

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kind of banded around a fair bit is spiritual bypassing.

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So if you've not heard that one, spiritual bypassing is

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this idea of using spiritual thoughts and ideas in the

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same sort of way to just avoid, deny, dismiss, negate

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again difficult painful emotions. So this is more the kind

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of somebody who's really hurt you badly and you just

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send them compassion, you know, love and light rise above

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using these kind of spiritual ideas to really distance yourself

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from your own difficult, painful experiences. So these ideas are

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all valid. Positivity has proven benefits. Toxic positivity is a

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real thing. My point today, I think is just to

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remind and you me everybody that not all positivity is

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toxic positivity. I saw, particularly during the pandemic, which was

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a really difficult, challenging time for a lot of people,

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there are certain, you know, people and groups of people

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who chose to focus on being optimistic, on being hopeful,

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on reframing difficult experiences to find some positive benefit or

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to maintain a positive outlook even when things were really tough,

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and those people being accused of toxic positivity. Not everybody

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who chooses to find a positive outcome, to see a

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silver lining, to find something to be grateful for, to

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look forward with hope and optimism, to find meaning in

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something that is difficult and painful. Those people are not

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all guilty of toxic positivity. It's kind of negative and

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cynical to accuse anybody who is being a little bit

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too happy of toxic positivity because it is not all toxic,

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and that kind of negativity and that kind of cynicism

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is just as toxic in fact, literally physically, probably even

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more so, because that's the kind of stuff that's going

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to get you, like really suffering from inflammation and stress

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in your body. And as we've said, all of the

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opposite of all of those positive benefits I just listed

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to do with positivity. I think sometimes people worry or

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people are concerned that by sharing the idea that having

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a positive outlook improves outcomes in people who are physically

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ill and this is proven, like this is not me

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making this up, then somehow or rather, that is blaming

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a person who is sick for being too negative. I

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think that's where the problem lies. If being positive improves

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health outcomes or reduces your risk of illness or injury,

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then if you're sick, it must be your fault that

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you weren't positive enough, that you must have been being negative.

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That is not the case at all. Anybody sharing that message.

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Obviously that's really dangerous, that's really harmful. But I just

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think we need to get this balance right again. We

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need to just find this balance between recognizing and understanding

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and valuing the benefits of finding a positive outlook. We

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all have the power to choose where we focus our attention.

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That is not to say that we should deny our

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very real, painful thoughts and feelings. We have to make

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space for difficult, painful thoughts and feelings because they're all

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part of life. But if you are spending a lot

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of time really dare I say, wallowing, sinking deeply into suffering,

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and almost sometimes there's a little bit of that making

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ourselves a victim as well. There are times when it's

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really would do us well to just recognize what we're

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doing and to recognize that we have the choice of

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focusing on what we can control, focusing on what is

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out of our control, choosing where we put our attention,

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where we direct our thoughts. It's not about tending that

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things are great when they're not. It's not about slapping

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on a smile and pretending you're fine if you're really

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not fine. But it is about recognizing the danger of

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being consumed by difficult, negative, painful emotions and thoughts and

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spiraling around. You know, when your mind does that thing

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where it just wraps around a problem and it gets

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stuck and you find it really difficult to pull yourself

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out of that. Just recognizing that that is potentially really harmful,

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not just for your mood, but you know, for lots

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of things in life, your health, your relationships. There is

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just so much power when you're able to to be

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able to recognize that that is what is happening, and

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to be able to find a way to shift yourself

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into dare I say, a more positive frame of mind?

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How do you find that balance? I guess Reframing how

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you think about a situation is not the same as

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denying the reality of a situation. Reframing means a shift

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in perspective, and example here it's just a really simple

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one that I read somewhere. Instead of stressing about being

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in a traffic jem because you're going to be late, well,

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yeah you are stuck in a traffic jem, and yeah

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you are going to be late, and yeah, that's probably

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not going to be a really good outcome for you,

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and there's probablysm negative consequences potentially to that. But if

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you can't change the situation, then maybe you could instead

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of sitting there the entire time stressing about what is wrong,

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because what happens, you know, negativity breeds negativity, right, so

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as soon as you start thinking about what's wrong, you

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start thinking of every other thing that's gone wrong as well.

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So maybe you could appreciate the fact that this gives

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you some time to listen to some music, to plan

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the rest of your day, listen to the news, just

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accepting that there's nothing that you can do anyway, So

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what can I do to turn this around? Put on

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my favorite playlist and just at least shift my mood

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so that I don't just arrive late and stressed and

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irritated and allow that to carry through the rest of

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my day. But I can actually, I'm going to arrive

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late anyway, but maybe arrive late in a little bit

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of a better mood. And I know that's just a

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really trivial, probably not very in a pretty low stakes

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kind of example, but it is just an example of

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how we can reframe the way we think about something

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and it can shift everything. Really, So when things go badly,

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which inevitably they will, that's life, you know, just being

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careful not to fall into that catastrophizing thinking, that despair

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and that disaster kind of thinking. It's like that optimism,

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the optimistic outlook that I talked about in the last

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episode when I talked about approach and avoidance motivation. An

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optimistic mindset is recognizing when something happens, if this is temporary,

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if this is not my whole life, this is just

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this one little area of my life, and that it's

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not all my fault, and I'm not a bad person,

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and I haven't been singled out to suffer, you know,

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when everybody else is having a great time. Potentially there

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are factors outside of me that were out of my

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control that contributed to this situation. But yes, this is painful,

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Yes this is difficult, and yes, feel what you need

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to feel, but also then trying to see the bigger

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picture when you can, so that you can maintain some

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sense of perspective and a positive outlook. Often the ones

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who come out of a traumatic or a really awful

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tragic situation are the ones who are able to find

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some meaning, to be able to channel their pain into

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something that is of a greater good, so using their

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pain for the benefit of others looking for the meaning,

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just being able to recognize in time, not in the

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moment of shock and despair, clearly, but in time to

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be able to see the potential benefits of that suffering

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or that painful, traumatic, tragic experience. None of that is

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toxic positivity. That's all very real and very useful. The

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takeaway MEGE is that we don't want to gloss over difficult,

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painful feelings, so it is about striking that healthy balance.

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I hope that all makes sense. I hope that has

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reminded you that it's okay to be positive. It is

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okay to find the silver lining, it's okay to be

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grateful even if something terrible happens. Maintaining a positive outlook

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is very, very good for you, Which is not to

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say that you should never experience a negative emotion. Of course,

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you should keep it in perspective and when you are

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ready to move on and to find that positive outlook,

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then that is absolutely not toxic positivity. Don't let anybody

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tell you that it is. So that's it from me.

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I hope that you have enjoyed this. I hope it's

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been a helpful reminder to you, and I will catch

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you on the next episode of Crappy to Happy Listener