Transcript
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A Listener production. Welcome to another solo episode of Crappy
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to havevy Happy New Year. Welcome to twenty twenty three.
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I want to talk to you today about all of
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the reasons why I am not a fan of New
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Year's resolutions, and what I think that you could maybe
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think about doing instead if you have been tempted, as
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you likely have been, to set New Year's resolutions. In fact,
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i'd be really interested to hear who still sets New
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Year's resolutions. Is that still a thing? Do people still
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really go for that or have we all realized that
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they are just a recipe for failure and for making
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us feel bad about ourselves. That's my opinion of New
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Year's resolutions. However, I am all about goals and setting
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goals and striving to be the best version of yourself.
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So I did want to share with you today what
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some of my ideas are for how you can do
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that without fulling into the trap of dreaded New Year's resolutions.
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I don't know who has done the studies, but it's
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often reported that something like eight percent of people are
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still on track with New Year's resolutions by mid February.
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They have a very very high failure rate, and this
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is the problem right. A new year's resolution, by definition,
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it is a resolve to do something. My new year's
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resolution is to give up sugar, to drink less, go
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to the gym more, lose weight, save money, be tidier,
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be calmer, be a better parent, be more patient with
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my kids. We have all of this big, long list
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of resolutions, which by nature are very pass fail. So
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you either do them or you don't do them. And
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that's not how goals work like, that's not how progress works.
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Progress is not linear. So we all start off very excited,
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very motivated. I totally get it. It feels good at
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New Year to blank slate new year, knew me, let's
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do something new and different this year. What are all
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of the ways that I want this year to be
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different from last year, in the year before and the
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year before. Now would be a good time to ask
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yourself if you are not setting the exact same New
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Year's resolutions that you have been setting year after year
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after year, and if it hasn't worked up until now,
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then maybe it's time to think about doing something different.
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But by definition, by nature, they tend to be this
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kind of You either do it or you don't, and
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then as soon as you don't, then clean slate's gone.
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You've mucked it up. You've got to start again, and
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there's no more New Year. We're past New Year, so
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I don't know. This is when we start waiting till
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next Monday, starting again next week, starting again next month,
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and typically we just stay on this merry go route
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and we just keep on falling off and getting back on.
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Having said that, setting goals can be really motivating, Striving
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to achieve important goals, striving for personal growth can be
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really a good thing, can really put you on that
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path to what Maslow called self actualization and even transcendence.
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So we all are intrinsically kind of wired to want
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the best for ourselves. We want to be the best
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version of our selves. It feels good to be going
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for goals and to have something really clear and very
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well defined that we are working towards. So there is
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nothing wrong with setting goals, and I highly recommend that
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you set goals that are realistic and achievable and that
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have a timeframe, even if it is twelve months by
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the end of twenty twenty three, this is what I
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would have liked to achieve by the end of twenty
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twenty three. These are the things I would like to
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have done. These are the things that I have on
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my vision board for twenty twenty three. And then you've
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got this whole, big, long stretch of time between now
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and the end of December to make those things happen.
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And there's space for slip ups and setbacks, because that's
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why that happens in life. We have slip ups and setbacks.
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That's the way life works, that's the way goals work.
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And the more realistic we can be about that, then
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the better off we will be. Maybe you want to
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think about where you would like to be by the
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end of this year, or in six months time, or
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in three months time. Start setting some milestones and thinking
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about the goals that you would like to achieve for
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the things that you would like to do or experience
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in the next twelve months. When you do that, though,
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allow me to remind you of what some of the
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research says about the kinds of goals that are likely
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to make you happier and the kinds of goals that
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are not so. Whenever we set a goal for ourselves,
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whenever we decide we want to do or achieve something.
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It's really about the feeling we're really going for, how
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good it's going to feel when we make that change,
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when we achieve that thing that we set for ourselves,
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we overcome that challenge. We're really going for a feel
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good factor. Otherwise, why would we bother doing it? But
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what we know is it. The goals that are most
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likely to make you feel good in the long term,
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The goals that are most likely to support your emotional wellbeing,
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to support your satisfaction with life are the goals that
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are around personal growth, mastery of skills, contribution, connection, community,
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intrinsically motivated goals, goals that are really about contributing to
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a cause or really becoming a better version of yourself.
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But I'm really hesitanting even when I say that that
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better version. I'll get to that in a minute. The
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goals that are unlikely to contribute to your satisfaction with
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life or your emotional wellbeing, your happiness basically in the
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long run are goals around physical appearance, status, achievement. For
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achievement's sake, you know, all of those extrinsically motivated goals,
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those external markers of success that look good, material possessions,
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accumulation of material goods, more money, losing weight, make money.
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Things that look good but don't necessarily come from an
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internal drive that they're motivated purely by how good it
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looks on the outside, not necessarily what feels good on
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the inside. And you know, sometimes that's a really that
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takes a bit of self reflection. Sometimes a goal can
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kind of do both. It's really important to ask yourself
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what the real driver is If you are setting yourself
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a goal, is it truly being driven intrinsically by you
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feeling like it's something that you deeply desire, that you
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deeply want, a skill you would like to master, knowledge
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that you would like to gain, becoming a better version
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of yourself, cultivating skills, cultivating a sense of mastery, as
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opposed to just looking good to other people, what you
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think other people, or what you think is going to
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impress other people, because those kinds of goals tend to
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be fairly hollow in the long run. And then what happens,
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too is, even if you achieve them and it feels
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good for five minutes, the novelty quick wears off, and
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then you're going for the next thing, and then you're
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going for the next thing. There's a feeling of never
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being satisfied, and this is what we call the hedonic treadmill.
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I get the next thing, you know, I buy the house,
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and soon enough I'm unhappy with the kitchen. So then
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I redo the kitchen and that feels good, and then
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I'm unhappy with the paint and that. You know, we're
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just on this endless cycle of constantly needing something new
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to make us feel good as opposed to feeling good
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on the inside. So growth, contribution, connection, mastery, contributing in
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a positive way to other people, experiences, life experiences that
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expand your mind, expand your perspective and your horizons. These
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are the kinds of goals that feel really good. So
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when you're setting your goals, just take that into consideration.
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The other thing I was going to say earlier is
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one of my favorite quotes. If you've been around for
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a while, you will have heard me say it before.
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Beware the subtle aggression of self improvement. In other words,
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self improvement's great, wanting to be the best version of
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yourself amazing, mastery skills, growth brilliant. But are you being
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driven by a belief or a sense that you are broken?
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That you need to be fixed, that you are somehow flawed,
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that you can be happy with yourself only when you
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lose the weight, get a better job, make more money,
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live in a different house, by a different car. Are
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you being driven by a sense of something being wrong
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with you that needs to be fixed? And look, I'm
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all about personal growth, I'm all about self improvement. But
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the truth is, and you'll know this yourself, that a
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lot of people who are on a path to self
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improvement are driven by a and you may experience this yourself,
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by this feeling that there is something inherently wrong and
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you can only fully accept yourself, only be happy with
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yourself if you change something about yourself. Ideally, we want
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to be accepting ourselves exactly as we are right now.
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There is nothing broken, there is nothing that needs to
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be fixed. By all means, if you want to do
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something because it feels good for you, then you should
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do something that feels good for you. But if you
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know that you're being driven by some sort of feeling
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like you are not okay, and that you feel like
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you can't truly accept yourself and really like yourself and
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feel okay with yourself until you fix something that's broken
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about you, then you might want to rethink, like what
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is going on there? Maybe? Then the goal for twenty
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twenty three is to really focus on cultivating that self acceptance,
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self compassion, some self kindness and trust me. Self compassion
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and self acceptance does not mean that you will suddenly
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become lazy and slack and that you will let yourself
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off the hook, and that you will turn into a lazy,
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unmotivated person who engages in a whole lot of unhealthy
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behavior or gets really lazy and slack. It is not
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the case. Self compassion and self acceptance is the starting
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point for any kind of positive change. If you want
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to change yourself, improve yourself, become a better version of yourself,
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you have a more likely chance of achieving that when
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you start from a place of accepting yourself as you
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are and being okay with yourself exactly as you are
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right now, being compassionate with yourself, because then you'll be
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able to tolerate those setbacks and slip ups that inevitably
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happen when you are on a path to changing anything. Anyway.
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Another idea for thinking about how you want to approach
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the new year, and this is a very popular idea
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it is coming up with a word for the year.
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So the idea of a word for the year, it's
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this idea that you think about what the overall theme
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is like of the areas. I guess that you would
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like to focus your energy and your attention on this
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coming year. And it might be that you're thinking, you know,
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you want to simplify your life. It might be that
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you're feeling really stressed. There's too much stuff in your house,
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there's too much stuff in your calendar, there's too much pressure,
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it's too busy. It's wardrobes are overflowing, draws are overflowing,
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and so maybe simplify becomes your word for the year.
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Here's one that I had a couple of years ago.
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My word for the year was clarity. I really felt
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like I was a bit all over the shop with
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what I was doing with my business and with my work.
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It was a bit of this, it was a bit
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of that wasn't really sure where I was going with
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my life, where I wanted to live at the time.
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So clarity for me was about getting really clear about
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what my priorities were, what I want to be doing,
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not just with the next year, but with the next
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five years, with the next ten years. So these things
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are bigger than just a simple goal. They're like an
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overarching theme for everything else that you think that you
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might want to do or achieve. It's really fun, to
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be honest, it's fun to think about not just in
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terms of goals, but then kind of ask yourself, what
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is it about that goal, What is it about that
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thing that I want to change? What am I hoping
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that I will get from that? And then coming up
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with this kind of overarching word for the year or
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this theme that runs through all of those very separate,
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potentially different goals or activities or actions or experiences. What's
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the thread that runs through all of them, what's the
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theme that kind of binds them all? That can be
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a really fun one. And then the important thing is
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to remember your word, to stick it up somewhere, to
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remind yourself. Often, because I have definitely had years where
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you could ask me in March what my word was.
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I was very clear what my word was on the
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first of January, and then it got completely forgotten. Interestingly, though,
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sometimes later when you look back, even if you don't
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hold the word at the front of your mind, sometimes
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it's really interesting to look back and realize that actually
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that word kind of did run through quite a lot
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of the experiences or the things that you did or
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achieved for that year. So maybe a word for the
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year could be one that you want to think about.
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And then, as I said, having some sort of a
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buck at least a vision board, just a bunch of
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experiences that you are focused on for the next year.
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Maybe you want to read more books, see more movies.
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Maybe you want to spend less time on your phone,