July 18, 2024
Why you self-sabotage: Competing Commitments
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In this solo episode, Cass shares one of the common reasons people struggle to make progress on the things they say that want to achieve. "Competing commitments", sometimes called competing desires or conflicting values, are the (often unconscious) desires that run counter to your stated goal, and cause you to spin your wheels or sabotage your progress.When you uncover your competing commitments, you're in a position to examine the truth of your assumptions and resolve the inner conflict that's been hindering your progress.
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Transcript
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This is Crappy to Happy and I am your host Castunn.
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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher
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and of course author of the Crappy to Happy books.
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In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring,
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intelligent people who are experts in their field and who
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have something of value to share that will help you
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feel less crappy and more happy. Hello, Hello, and welcome
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to another solo episode of Crappy to Happy. I would
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like to talk to you if you are one of
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those people who is really frustrated with not making progress
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towards your goals. So I talked to you last time
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on my solo episode about what is it that you
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really want and getting really clear about when you set
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goals on your struge having to achieve anything in life,
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really unpacking what is that about, and what is it
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that you think that the goal is going to give
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you and checking in that that is a goal that
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is really genuinely authentically important to you. Having established that,
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let's say that you do have something that you really
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do want to achieve in your life. Goals are good.
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I've established that goals are good. But on the outside,
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you say that this is what you want, but then
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all of your behavior is in the opposite direction of that.
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You are not doing anything towards achieving this goal. Now,
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I have coaching clients who are in this position, So
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this is I know, really relevant to a lot of people,
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and that's why I want to talk about it today. Now,
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even if this is not something that you are dealing
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with in your personal life and the goals that you
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have set for yourself, if you're a manager in an organization,
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then you might notice this with employees as well. It
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might be that people are saying that they're committed to
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achieve something, or to grow something, or make a change,
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or lead a project or step up take on more responsibility,
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but the behavior that you're seeing is not consistent with that,
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and it can be really, really frustrating, not just for you,
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but for the person who is also stuck and wondering
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what is going on. And that's the key thing about
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this kind of behavior. It is just as frustrating for
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the individual because they know what they want, they're clear
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about what they want, and they can't, for the life
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of them figure out why they just cannot get any
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momentum and cannot take really decisive proper action towards that goal.
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So sometimes not all the time, but sometimes what is
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going on here is a thing called competing commitments. Maybe
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you have heard of this, and this is a timely
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reminder for you to be aware of this phenomenon. This
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could be what's going on. If you've never heard of this, well,
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then you might be really interested. A competing commitment is
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essentially what it sounds like on the outside. With your
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conscious mind, your thinking brain, you are very clear about
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what it is that you want and where it is
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that you're headed, what it is that you want to
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change or achieve somewhere else. At an more of an
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unconscious level, perhaps there is a force within you that
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is firmly committed to an agenda that is in direct
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opposition to what you say you want. There is a
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part of you that is acting in service to an
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opposing agenda. To give you, like a really simplistic example,
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I say I want to grow my business. I say
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I want to be more successful and make more money.
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But some part of me believes that growing my business
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and becoming more successful and making more money would create
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a whole lot of stress in my life. That would
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mean I would have to work more hours. I'd probably
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have to hire more people. I don't know how i'd
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go with hiring more people. I wouldn't know where to start.
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It all just feels too much. It all feels too
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complicated and overwhelm. So therefore, all of my behavior, no
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matter how much I say I want to grow, and
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what I want to achieve, and how much money I
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want to make, how successful I want to be, all
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of my behavior is just wheel spinning. I do nothing
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to actually take action in the direction of my goal,
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because unconsciously there is this commitment to staying where I
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am because I'm afraid of the consequence. This shows up
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in all sorts of ways, for all sorts of goals.
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I think I've talked on this podcast before about Bethel
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Vandercock's work. He wrote The body keeps a score, obviously,
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and he refers to a particular large study looking at
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obesity and finding that people who stayed on this program
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for a period of time they lost all of this way.
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They were really happy with the results, and it got
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to a certain point where people started to just inexplicably
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put weight back on and they couldn't work out what
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was going on. And then one day, just by accident,
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they found out through an interview with one of these
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participants that she had been sexually assaulted and that she
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had a deep fear that if she were to lose
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weight and become more visible, more attractive, then that was
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dangerous to her. So overweight meant being overlooked, and that
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meant being safe from unwanted attention. So that's another example
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of a competing commitment. On the outside, we think we
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want this thing, we're working towards it, we say we're
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working towards it, but then we're not making any progress.
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And it's because underneath, and it is often unconscious. And
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that's the key, right, It's not in your conscious mind,
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it's often buried underneath. And so I want to share
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with you a way that you might be able to
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work through this yourself. It could be something that you
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want to work through with a coach if it's something
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that's causing repeated problems for you and you're really feeling
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stuck and frustrated, but you might just do some exploration
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around this yourself and see what you come up with.
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So one way that you can uncover this is by
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first of all, getting very clear about what is it
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that you want? Obviously you have to start from what
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do you want? What's the goal, what's the change you
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want to make, what do you want to achieve? Where
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are you going? And you may have already done that,
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you may want to think about that right now. And
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then sometimes a question that I will ask my coaching
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clients quite early on, in fact, ano that I think
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about it, I haven't asked it for a while, but
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one thing that I used to ask pretty regularly with
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my coaching clients was after I've asked them, how great
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is this going to be? What's all the positive benefits
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that you perceive, how's life going to be different, what's
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going to be amazing? You know, really engaging all of
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those emotions so they get really invested in this change
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that they want to make. It can also be really
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helpful to ask and what do you think the negative
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consequences will be? What are the negative consequences of achieving
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this thing? And often people will be a bit stumped
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initially because all they're thinking about is the positive consequences
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of achieving a goal, But sometimes they can quite readily
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come up with, you know, given a minute to think
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about it, they can quite readily come up with, Ah, well, yeah,
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I might get busier, I might get more visible, I
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might take on extra responsibility. It might involve time away
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from my family. It might involve having to make some sacrifices,
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you know, to get to the goal that I want
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to achieve. Some of that's really obvious. Oh, I want
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to run a marathon, I'm going to have to give
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up pizza night and alcohol and all of the other
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fun things and sleepins and partying. So some of it's
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really obvious, but we're mostly we're really talking about the
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stuff that's buried a little bit deeper than that. So
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what are the negative consequences? Can be a useful question,
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But what is probably a more interesting question to ask
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people is, now that you are clear about your goal,
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what are you doing or not doing that is keeping
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you from achieving it. If there is something that you've
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committed to at work, if there's a project that you've
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said that you're going to lead, if there's a change
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that you've said that you're going to make, or something
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that you're goingt to develop, what are you doing or
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not doing which is keeping you from making forward progress?
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What behaviors are you seeing in yourself. Is there a
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lot of wheel spinning, procrastination, coming up with excuses and justifications,
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busying yourself with other things, changing your mind, deciding oh,
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actually maybe I don't want that goal, we want some
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different goal, do I really? You know, staying up on
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your head and coming up with different stories is jumping
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from a goal to goal that. I see that with
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some of my clients as well. So we've already established
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in establishing the goal, that there is a commitment there. Right,
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So on the one hand, I am committed to X,
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then what am I doing or not doing that is
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keeping me from realizing that commitment. And then the third
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thing is, now, if you imagine doing the opposite of that.
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So let's say what I'm doing is spending endless amounts
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of time creating business plans and marketing plans and strategizing
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my website without actually calling up a client or doing
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something that's going to have a direct impact on my business.
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If you imagine doing the opposite of that, do you
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detect any discomfort if you actually were to do the
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opposite of your sabotaging behavior, if you were to actually
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take a forward step, and this really requires you to
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slow down and tune in. The answer to this can't
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come from your head, from your conscious brain, because your
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conscious brain is all no, I'm all in, I don't
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know what's going on here. You have to slow down yet,
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really still and actually tune in to the physical sensation,
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tune into something that's a little deeper. If I did
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the opposite, if I took a step in the direction
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of my goal, do you sense any discomfort, any worry,
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any fear? What comes up? What do you sense? So, therefore,
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by avoiding doing the thing, what is the negative consequence
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do you actually committed to preventing from happening? How you
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keeping yourself safe? It often all just comes back to
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some form of safety, whether it's emotional safety, you know,
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psychological safety, just security, certainty, stability, comfort, staying in your
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comfort zone. This way, by tuning in, by slowing down
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and really asking if I did this, if I were
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to do the opposite of my sabotaging behavior, if I
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was to suddenly be free of this and I was
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actually taking a step in the direction that I want
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to go, what am I worried about? What is the
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negative consequence that I'm fearful of? So, therefore, what am
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I avoiding. Now that in itself can be really useful.
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That can provide some really key insight into what's going on.
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For some people, just the realization, just realizing what is
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going on can be enough to just flick a light on.
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Flick the light switch on and realize that something that
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has been unconscious or out of your conscious awareness essentially
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comes into your conscious awareness and from that place you
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can actually examine it rationally. Because as long as it's
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out of your conscious awareness, you can't see it. It's
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driving your life. It's like the software that is running
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your programming, running all of your behavior, but you're not
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fully aware of it. So that's why it's so frustrating.
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As soon as you shine a light on it, you
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become aware of it, then you can do something about it.
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Sometimes that in itself is enough because you immediately can
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start to question or challenge or look for, well, how
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could I accommodate this, or how could I come up
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with a contingency plan so that I don't have to
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deal with this negative consequence necessarily. Sometimes you need to
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do a little bit more work than that. But the
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first thing, the most important thing you need to do,
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when you recognize what that competing commitment is what is
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the negative consequence that you have been unconsciously seeking to avoid.
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It's like you realize that you've got one foot on
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the accelerator and one foot on the break. That's how
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it feels like. I feel like I want to go
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in that direction, but there is a part of me
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that is just jamming on that break and not letting
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me move forward. So once you realize that that foot
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on the break is in the service of this other
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competing commitment, I'm committed to keeping the peace. I don't
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want to disrupt my relationships. I really want to have
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a healthier lifestyle and all of that involves, but I
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don't want to disrupt the dynamic in my friendship group
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where what we do is we get together and we
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eat a lot of pizza and drink wine. Oh. I
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don't want for people to think that I think that
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I'm better than them. I don't want to grow in
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my career because I like the loyalty and the dynamic
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of my team that I work with. I am fearful
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that I would have to manage conflict and I don't
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know how I would do that. I would have to
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go into debt if I were to grow my business,
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and that scares me because I saw my parents lose
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a lot of money. I would love to be in
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my own business. But my dad, he was in his
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own business and it practically destroyed him. You know, he
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worked around the clock, and I don't want that. Sometimes
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