Transcript
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This is Crappy to Happy and I am your host Castunn.
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I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher
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and of course author of the Crappy to Happy books.
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In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring,
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intelligent people who are experts in their field and who
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have something of value to share that will help you
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feel less crappy and more happy. Hello, Hello, and welcome
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to another solo episode of Crappy to Happy. I would
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like to talk to you if you are one of
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those people who is really frustrated with not making progress
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towards your goals. So I talked to you last time
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on my solo episode about what is it that you
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really want and getting really clear about when you set
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goals on your struge having to achieve anything in life,
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really unpacking what is that about, and what is it
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that you think that the goal is going to give
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you and checking in that that is a goal that
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is really genuinely authentically important to you. Having established that,
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let's say that you do have something that you really
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do want to achieve in your life. Goals are good.
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I've established that goals are good. But on the outside,
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you say that this is what you want, but then
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all of your behavior is in the opposite direction of that.
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You are not doing anything towards achieving this goal. Now,
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I have coaching clients who are in this position, So
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this is I know, really relevant to a lot of people,
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and that's why I want to talk about it today. Now,
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even if this is not something that you are dealing
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with in your personal life and the goals that you
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have set for yourself, if you're a manager in an organization,
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then you might notice this with employees as well. It
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might be that people are saying that they're committed to
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achieve something, or to grow something, or make a change,
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or lead a project or step up take on more responsibility,
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but the behavior that you're seeing is not consistent with that,
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and it can be really, really frustrating, not just for you,
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but for the person who is also stuck and wondering
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what is going on. And that's the key thing about
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this kind of behavior. It is just as frustrating for
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the individual because they know what they want, they're clear
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about what they want, and they can't, for the life
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of them figure out why they just cannot get any
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momentum and cannot take really decisive proper action towards that goal.
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So sometimes not all the time, but sometimes what is
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going on here is a thing called competing commitments. Maybe
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you have heard of this, and this is a timely
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reminder for you to be aware of this phenomenon. This
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could be what's going on. If you've never heard of this, well,
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then you might be really interested. A competing commitment is
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essentially what it sounds like on the outside. With your
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conscious mind, your thinking brain, you are very clear about
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what it is that you want and where it is
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that you're headed, what it is that you want to
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change or achieve somewhere else. At an more of an
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unconscious level, perhaps there is a force within you that
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is firmly committed to an agenda that is in direct
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opposition to what you say you want. There is a
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part of you that is acting in service to an
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opposing agenda. To give you, like a really simplistic example,
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I say I want to grow my business. I say
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I want to be more successful and make more money.
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But some part of me believes that growing my business
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and becoming more successful and making more money would create
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a whole lot of stress in my life. That would
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mean I would have to work more hours. I'd probably
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have to hire more people. I don't know how i'd
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go with hiring more people. I wouldn't know where to start.
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It all just feels too much. It all feels too
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complicated and overwhelm. So therefore, all of my behavior, no
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matter how much I say I want to grow, and
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what I want to achieve, and how much money I
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want to make, how successful I want to be, all
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of my behavior is just wheel spinning. I do nothing
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to actually take action in the direction of my goal,
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because unconsciously there is this commitment to staying where I
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am because I'm afraid of the consequence. This shows up
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in all sorts of ways, for all sorts of goals.
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I think I've talked on this podcast before about Bethel
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Vandercock's work. He wrote The body keeps a score, obviously,
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and he refers to a particular large study looking at
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obesity and finding that people who stayed on this program
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for a period of time they lost all of this way.
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They were really happy with the results, and it got
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to a certain point where people started to just inexplicably
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put weight back on and they couldn't work out what
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was going on. And then one day, just by accident,
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they found out through an interview with one of these
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participants that she had been sexually assaulted and that she
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had a deep fear that if she were to lose
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weight and become more visible, more attractive, then that was
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dangerous to her. So overweight meant being overlooked, and that
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meant being safe from unwanted attention. So that's another example
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of a competing commitment. On the outside, we think we
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want this thing, we're working towards it, we say we're
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working towards it, but then we're not making any progress.
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And it's because underneath, and it is often unconscious. And
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that's the key, right, It's not in your conscious mind,
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it's often buried underneath. And so I want to share
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with you a way that you might be able to
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work through this yourself. It could be something that you
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want to work through with a coach if it's something
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that's causing repeated problems for you and you're really feeling
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stuck and frustrated, but you might just do some exploration
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around this yourself and see what you come up with.
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So one way that you can uncover this is by
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first of all, getting very clear about what is it
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that you want? Obviously you have to start from what
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do you want? What's the goal, what's the change you
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want to make, what do you want to achieve? Where
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are you going? And you may have already done that,
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you may want to think about that right now. And
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then sometimes a question that I will ask my coaching
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clients quite early on, in fact, ano that I think
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about it, I haven't asked it for a while, but
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one thing that I used to ask pretty regularly with
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my coaching clients was after I've asked them, how great
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is this going to be? What's all the positive benefits
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that you perceive, how's life going to be different, what's
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going to be amazing? You know, really engaging all of
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those emotions so they get really invested in this change
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that they want to make. It can also be really
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helpful to ask and what do you think the negative
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consequences will be? What are the negative consequences of achieving
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this thing? And often people will be a bit stumped
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initially because all they're thinking about is the positive consequences
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of achieving a goal, But sometimes they can quite readily
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come up with, you know, given a minute to think
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about it, they can quite readily come up with, Ah, well, yeah,
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I might get busier, I might get more visible, I
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might take on extra responsibility. It might involve time away
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from my family. It might involve having to make some sacrifices,
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you know, to get to the goal that I want
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to achieve. Some of that's really obvious. Oh, I want
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to run a marathon, I'm going to have to give
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up pizza night and alcohol and all of the other
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fun things and sleepins and partying. So some of it's
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really obvious, but we're mostly we're really talking about the
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stuff that's buried a little bit deeper than that. So
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what are the negative consequences? Can be a useful question,
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But what is probably a more interesting question to ask
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people is, now that you are clear about your goal,
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what are you doing or not doing that is keeping
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you from achieving it. If there is something that you've
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committed to at work, if there's a project that you've
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said that you're going to lead, if there's a change
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that you've said that you're going to make, or something
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that you're goingt to develop, what are you doing or
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not doing which is keeping you from making forward progress?
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What behaviors are you seeing in yourself. Is there a
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lot of wheel spinning, procrastination, coming up with excuses and justifications,
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busying yourself with other things, changing your mind, deciding oh,
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actually maybe I don't want that goal, we want some
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different goal, do I really? You know, staying up on
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your head and coming up with different stories is jumping
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from a goal to goal that. I see that with
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some of my clients as well. So we've already established
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in establishing the goal, that there is a commitment there. Right,
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So on the one hand, I am committed to X,
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then what am I doing or not doing that is
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keeping me from realizing that commitment. And then the third
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thing is, now, if you imagine doing the opposite of that.
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So let's say what I'm doing is spending endless amounts
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of time creating business plans and marketing plans and strategizing
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my website without actually calling up a client or doing
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something that's going to have a direct impact on my business.
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If you imagine doing the opposite of that, do you
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detect any discomfort if you actually were to do the
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opposite of your sabotaging behavior, if you were to actually
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take a forward step, and this really requires you to
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slow down and tune in. The answer to this can't
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come from your head, from your conscious brain, because your
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conscious brain is all no, I'm all in, I don't
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know what's going on here. You have to slow down yet,
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really still and actually tune in to the physical sensation,
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tune into something that's a little deeper. If I did
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the opposite, if I took a step in the direction
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of my goal, do you sense any discomfort, any worry,
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any fear? What comes up? What do you sense? So, therefore,
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by avoiding doing the thing, what is the negative consequence
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do you actually committed to preventing from happening? How you
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keeping yourself safe? It often all just comes back to
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some form of safety, whether it's emotional safety, you know,
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psychological safety, just security, certainty, stability, comfort, staying in your
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comfort zone. This way, by tuning in, by slowing down
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and really asking if I did this, if I were
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to do the opposite of my sabotaging behavior, if I
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was to suddenly be free of this and I was
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actually taking a step in the direction that I want
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to go, what am I worried about? What is the
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negative consequence that I'm fearful of? So, therefore, what am
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I avoiding. Now that in itself can be really useful.
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That can provide some really key insight into what's going on.
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For some people, just the realization, just realizing what is
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going on can be enough to just flick a light on.
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Flick the light switch on and realize that something that
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has been unconscious or out of your conscious awareness essentially
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comes into your conscious awareness and from that place you
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can actually examine it rationally. Because as long as it's
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out of your conscious awareness, you can't see it. It's
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driving your life. It's like the software that is running
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your programming, running all of your behavior, but you're not
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fully aware of it. So that's why it's so frustrating.
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As soon as you shine a light on it, you
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become aware of it, then you can do something about it.
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Sometimes that in itself is enough because you immediately can
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start to question or challenge or look for, well, how
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could I accommodate this, or how could I come up
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with a contingency plan so that I don't have to
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deal with this negative consequence necessarily. Sometimes you need to
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do a little bit more work than that. But the
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first thing, the most important thing you need to do,
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when you recognize what that competing commitment is what is
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the negative consequence that you have been unconsciously seeking to avoid.
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It's like you realize that you've got one foot on
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the accelerator and one foot on the break. That's how
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it feels like. I feel like I want to go
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in that direction, but there is a part of me
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that is just jamming on that break and not letting
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me move forward. So once you realize that that foot
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on the break is in the service of this other
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competing commitment, I'm committed to keeping the peace. I don't
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want to disrupt my relationships. I really want to have
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a healthier lifestyle and all of that involves, but I
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don't want to disrupt the dynamic in my friendship group
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where what we do is we get together and we
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eat a lot of pizza and drink wine. Oh. I
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don't want for people to think that I think that
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I'm better than them. I don't want to grow in
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my career because I like the loyalty and the dynamic
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of my team that I work with. I am fearful
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that I would have to manage conflict and I don't
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know how I would do that. I would have to
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go into debt if I were to grow my business,
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and that scares me because I saw my parents lose
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a lot of money. I would love to be in
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my own business. But my dad, he was in his
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own business and it practically destroyed him. You know, he
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worked around the clock, and I don't want that. Sometimes
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what you realize is these assumptions that you're making, or