Are you afraid to be content?

This is Crappy to Happy and I am your host, Cass Dunn.

I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist, a mindfulness meditation teacher, and of course author of the Crappy to Happy books.

In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy.

Welcome back to another episode of Crappy to Happy.

Today there are planes flying right over my house and it's intermittently raining, quite loud, and there's hail. So let's see how we go with recording this episode with not too much background noise. I hope.

Let's talk about why perhaps you might be afraid to feel content.

And I did say content, I didn't say happy.

I think this whole being afraid to be happy, or self-sabotaging happiness, is a similar theme, a similar issue, and probably for some people they're one and the same.

Contentment is a different concept though.

Maybe it's semantics. But when we think about happiness, we really think about things going really well. Happiness we associate with getting the promotion, getting the relationship, getting engaged, something great happening in life. Or just generally feeling like things are going well.

And obviously the podcast is called Crappy to Happy. I've written a lot of books called Crappy to Happy. But I think I've been very clear when I talk about happiness that I'm not talking about that fleeting emotion that comes with things going your way.

I'm really referring to how do you access that deeper feeling of lasting contentment -- that sense of being okay, feeling good, feeling comfortable within yourself regardless of what's going on outside of you. But also, what are the things that you're pursuing in life that are more likely to contribute to you feeling good more of the time?

Because, not to rehash topics I've gone over time and time again, but the things that we are conditioned to value -- the things that society tells us we should be pursuing, which is a job promotion, a bigger house, more money, a new dress, possessions, status, achievements, wins, goals -- they're often not the things that will make you happy in the long term. The things that make you happy in the long term are quality of relationships, living by your values, a sense of integrity, experiences, and so on.

That is not the topic of this podcast, but that's the context when I talk about happiness and contentment.

So happiness is pursuing things that make you feel really good. It's that riding high, everything's great feeling.

Contentment is more the sense of enoughness, the sense of satisfaction with what you have. Being content is a sense of peace, a sense of calm, and a sense that what you have is okay, that you're okay.

And so it's got a different flavour to it than what happiness is, as we typically define happiness in life.

The reason I wanted to talk about this idea of are you afraid to be content is because in my Beyond Confident group, which is for business owners and entrepreneurial women -- so small business owners, people who are self-employed, often service providers, doing it on their own -- who struggle with imposter syndrome and self-doubt. They're overwhelmed, they're doing too much, they're overthinking, they're struggling with undercharging, their life is not in balance, and so on.

The core of the program, Beyond Confident, has always been about how do you cultivate the kind of confidence that comes from within you -- that is not contingent on other people's feedback, other people approving of you, pleasing people, doing everything perfectly. All the P's -- the perfectionism, the pleasing, the pretending, performing. How do you cultivate that inner sense of your own worthiness and worth? That lasting, grounded kind of confidence.

That's what Beyond Confident is about. It's about this inner, just knowing that you are enough.

So in that program, one of the big topics, one of the big areas that we cover is self-compassion, because self-compassion is the antidote to self-criticism.

And anybody who struggles with confidence, imposter syndrome, self-doubt -- who feels like they're a fraud, who's in that loop of overworking and procrastinating and avoiding -- there's a lot of self-criticism and self-judgment inherent in that. I mean, that's probably fairly universal, but particularly for people who are really perfectionistic, who never feel good enough. There's a lot of self-criticism, and it's the self-criticism and self-judgment that drives all those behaviours that are designed to get approval from outside of you.

So self-compassion is a big focus. How do you cultivate the ability to be kind to yourself, especially when you feel like you are not enough? You've done something wrong. You feel inadequate. You feel not up to the task. You feel like you've messed things up. How do you turn that critical voice into something that's more compassionate?

And so I've been really refreshing all of my reading and research and everything I know -- all of the content that I already have and use in this area of compassion.

And in compassion-focused therapy, which is Paul Gilbert's model that he introduced -- I've talked about that before on the podcast, the three-circle model, I love that -- he talks a lot about using imagery and visualisation to connect with your compassionate self. This compassionate part of you that you're often very disconnected from.

Interestingly, this reminds me a lot of parts work, and we do a lot of parts work in this course as well.

So it's connecting with this part of you that is wise and kind and calm and compassionate, and creating an image -- cultivating an image of what that compassionate part of you would look like, how it would behave, and how you can form this different relationship with this compassionate part of you that you're probably not very familiar with, because you're very connected to the critical inner voice. You've got a very strong relationship with that one. Know that one very well.

And one of his other visualisations is this -- it's a mindfulness practice, really a meditation practice -- that is focused on connecting with a sense of joy and peace. Can you sit in stillness and can you create an image, a sense, a connection with a sensation of what it feels like and what it looks like to experience joy and peace? And what comes up for you when you do that?

Now, this is the interesting bit.

Okay, yeah, connect with joy and peace, tap into that, it feels good, relax. Very nice. But is it?

The interesting thing about this is that when you do that, for many people -- and I'd be interested to know what you experience -- it doesn't actually feel very comfortable.

When you start to connect with a sense of joy and peace, do you allow yourself to feel those feelings? Or do you feel uncomfortable?

Because for many people there is a resistance to feeling contentment. I'm using the word contentment as a substitute for joy and peace because joy and peace is like this feeling of okayness, a feeling that I've got enough, a feeling that I don't have to be doing and striving and performing and achieving. I can relax. A feeling that I could drop out of all of these busy thoughts, these racing thoughts about what I'm doing, what I haven't done, what's wrong with my life, where I'm going in life -- all of the stuff that causes us to be in this state of vigilance all the time, on this treadmill, on this path of always striving and needing to be doing more.

This sense that we all feel that we can't rest because there's too much to be done. There are places to be, things to do, goals to achieve, life to be lived, a household to run, a job to do, a mortgage to pay, a dog to be walked -- all of this life stuff. And so when we consciously drop into this sense that we don't have to do that, that we could just stop, we can rest, we can feel what that feels like -- for many people it brings up this sense of restlessness, this sense of discomfort sitting in that.

And I wanted to explore that a little bit and maybe share with you some reasons why that might be. You'll have your own experience. But why do we feel uncomfortable with this, and what can we do to start to feel more comfortable? Because the path to feeling more contentment, more peace, more joy in life is to really practise being okay to feel that.

It's not enough just to say I want to feel more joy and more peace. It's how do I get okay with feeling that? How do I let myself feel that? How do I practise feeling that? Because clearly for many people it doesn't actually feel that comfortable, and we immediately look for something to do, or the stories start up about what's wrong and why we can't feel that.

So let's dive into what some of those reasons might be.

I think the first one is exactly what I said. We have been conditioned -- all of us in our Western society, in our lives, ever since we were little and started school and then made our way through that system and into university and into the workplace and into life generally -- that we were constantly on the move. There was constantly something to do, something to achieve, the next goal, the next milestone in life. We're doing, doing, doing. We're striving, we're growing, we're learning, we're evolving, we're rising, we're achieving. And that's what life is.

And when you intentionally stop that, when you ask yourself to stop that and just be okay with where you're at, not have to do that -- it just goes against the grain. It's not familiar. It doesn't feel comfortable because it's not what we've been conditioned our whole lives to do.

So it's uncomfortable because it is counter to what we've been conditioned to do forever. This is why it takes practise.

It almost brings up a feeling of guilt. Like, number one, a restlessness because there are things to do. Number two, it can sometimes bring up a feeling of guilt because there are so many people who don't have the privilege or the luxury. There's that sense of concern for other people that means you don't feel okay, you don't feel comfortable to feel like you have enough, that you can experience joy or peace, because other people don't have that luxury, other people don't have that privilege.

It just feels like, well, who am I to deserve that? Who am I to be worthy of that?

So far I've been talking about this in terms of like a practice, an intentional practice. Just tap into a feeling of joy and contentment, see what comes up. But when we talk about just in life generally -- what happens if you feel content? What do you think might happen?

For many people there is a real belief, a real sense that if I feel too content, I will get lazy, I'll get complacent, I'll let myself go. I'll stop trying, I'll stop working to be better, to achieve more. It's ingrained in us that contentment is akin to just dropping out -- dropping out of life and all of the things you've still got to do and to achieve.

So that's interesting too. Again, it speaks to how much of our conditioning is that to be effective, to be productive, to be worthy is to be doing and achieving. And if you feel content, if you feel joy and peace, and you're just relaxed and okay with where you're at -- that is like giving up, almost.

So then there's the deservingness, the worthiness. Do you feel like you are worthy of feeling content?

And that often goes back to, you know, if you had early experiences where things never really went well for you, or things have always been a bit rough, and it's always seemed like it was other people who got to be content, it was other people who got to be happy -- those things were for other people but not for you.

And so if feeling peace and joy and okay and safe in the world, and enough -- like you have enough, you've got enough, you don't need to do any more -- if you have never felt that or experienced that, then inviting those feelings in can feel deeply uncomfortable because it's deeply unfamiliar. And your brain finds safety in what is familiar, even if it's unpleasant, even if it's uncomfortable. As far as your brain is concerned, if it's familiar, I know what to do here. I know what to do with this. I recognise this. It's not comfortable, I don't like it, but I know it. It's familiar.

And so if feeling good, if feeling content, if feeling relaxed, feeling happy and safe isn't familiar, then by definition your brain registers that as unsafe and something that isn't belonging to you.

So it will immediately start to act and start to drive your behaviours. You'll unconsciously start to do things -- unconsciously or consciously -- to be less content, to sabotage whatever is going on. It's a sense that this does not belong to me. This is not available to me. I am not worthy of this. And so then I'll go and create something else to be dissatisfied with, or some other problem, or whatever.

So there is the need to be achieving, the productivity, there's the guilt. I feel guilty if I'm doing nothing. I feel guilty if I feel content because so many people have it worse than me. How is that fair?

There is the sense of deservingness, of worthiness. I don't deserve this. It feels unfamiliar to me.

And then the other one is this: when I start to feel content, it can't last. As soon as things start to feel okay and I start to feel satisfied with my life, it's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. This can't possibly last.

And that's because probably throughout life, when things have been going well, then maybe something has happened -- maybe particularly for you in your life and your experience. But I think for everybody, just the general cycle of life and the Buddhist notion of impermanence -- nothing really lasts. We go through periods of time where things are going really well and we're on top of the world, and then we go through periods where things are pretty crap and it feels like everything's against us and everything's going wrong.

And if you're in a place where things are going well and you can feel kind of content and satisfied, then this sense is: uh oh, what's going to happen next?

And the sad thing about that is that, just because of the cycle of life, like I said, it's not always going to be going well. Things aren't always going to be going great. You're not always going to be in a place where you feel really content and satisfied. That's more reason to really just settle into it and enjoy it and feel good about it while it lasts, because maybe it's not going to last.

You see, the sucky thing is that we do this to ourselves: when things are crap, all we want is for things to be better. And when they're better and things are going well, all we do is spend the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop and thinking that it can't last. So even when things are going well, we don't actually let ourselves enjoy and appreciate it, and feel okay with it, because we're constantly waiting and anticipating the next bad thing to happen instead of really allowing ourselves to relax and immerse ourselves in the fact that things are actually going well for a time.

And I think it's possible to have the rational view that maybe things aren't always going to last and this may be short-lived -- and that's even more reason to really let yourself enjoy it, revel in it, soak it up, savour it while things are going well.

But in fact when we talk about contentment, I think that contentment is more along the lines of the idea that we can feel okay, we can feel like we're okay and that life is okay and that we have enough, even when things aren't going well. And that's where, again, I think that's one of the distinctions between contentment and something like happiness.

So I'd be interested to know if you relate to any of this. If you have your own reasons why you feel that resistance or that discomfort with being content, with feeling okay with where you're at, with feeling satisfied with life, with feeling joy, with feeling peace.

Maybe you want to try to practise that and see what comes up for you. And if you are really great at feeling joy and peace, I would encourage you to tap into that more regularly as an intentional practice. Because Lord knows there is enough to feel negative and concerned and anxious about in life.

So I think it's really important that we do take time and make deliberate, intentional effort to cultivate those feelings of joy and peace and contentment within us. Because at the end of the day, that's all we've got -- what we've got within us. We can't rely on things outside of us to always be going well, or to always be doing well in life, and use that as our way of feeling good, our way of feeling content.

We have to be cultivating it within us and have it not contingent on whatever else is going on outside of us.

I think the way to do that, the way to start feeling more comfortable with that, is to make it a regular practise and to just do what I said in the beginning -- by sitting and allowing yourself some space to stop the striving, stop the busyness, stop the doing. To do a little meditation, a little visualisation, and really deliberately tune into, consciously tune into, that feeling of joy and peace and contentment. And notice if discomfort comes up. Notice what comes up for you. Notice what the resistance is. Be curious about it. Don't judge it. But practise sitting with it and practise being able to expand that container, to be able to hold more.

Because if it feels unfamiliar to you, if it feels unsafe for you, if you notice that you immediately think this can't last, or I don't deserve this, or those other thoughts -- that's just more of a sign that you need to practise this more. That's not a reason to not do it. That's a reason to spend more time cultivating this ability to tune into that feeling of joy and peace within you, contentment within you, knowing that you are enough, you have enough, you do enough, you're okay.

And then hopefully the more that you do that, the more that you tap into that, the more that it starts to infiltrate and influence how you feel about yourself as you go through life and through your days. And as things do go wrong and things come up -- which they do -- hopefully that helps you to cultivate this kind of inner sense of your own enoughness that is like an emotional resilience you build, that buffers you against the ups and downs of life when they inevitably happen.

And if you're somebody who has a sense that, you know, there are other people doing really badly and I walk past this homeless guy every day and how can I feel content when there's so much suffering in the world and people who have it so much worse than me -- then what I would suggest is that you remember that your ability and your willingness to tap into joy and peace regardless of what's happening -- that has a ripple effect outward that actually does benefit all of the people around you. That flows out of you and impacts all of the people who come into contact with you, because you start to not be buying into that same scarcity, fear, doomsday kind of thinking that is out there all around us. You become the antithesis to that, and that rubs off on all the people around you.

So that's what's on my mind today, you guys.

Do write to me, let me know, leave a comment if you've noticed or just realised that you have a problem with happiness or contentment, that you struggle to experience that. And if this has been helpful to inspire you to cultivate a greater capacity to be content -- that is it from me.

I can't wait to catch you next week for another fabulous episode of Crappy to Happy.